Why does MOST EVERYONE know their man has a ring? Also Timeline discussion

[Callisto]

Idk if this applies to your bf, but whenever mine talks about the timeline for the proposal he always says longer timelines than I expect (i.e. I thought we were maybe getting engaged this summer or fall but when we last talked he was saying winter) and justifies it by saying he''d rather tell me a date that was farther away than the proposal will actually be than a sooner date and then if he doesn''t propose by then end up with a frustrated girlfriend. Which I understand but I''m also a big believer in making realistic timelines for anything (like don''t tell someone the party starts at 6 because you want people there by 7...) So maybe he''s just telling you a date far away because he doesn''t want to disappoint you if things take longer than he expected.


Also I''m pretty sure I''ll know when he has a ring because I plan to play a decent sized role in picking it out. Also now that I''m thinking I may want an antique/estate(aka used) ring (for eco-friendly reasons)it looks like I may be even more involved than I originally thought since good used rings are harder to come by than when just looking at websites.

 

[yssie]

MK-


I skimmed through your topics, and... well, I'm engaged now, but as the lady of a MIW for a year or so, I may have some useful insight into the other side.


As soon as the topic of engagement becomes "pressurised" as opposed to just dreaming together of the future, if people have any inhibitions whatsoever they come to the mind front and centre and stay there. We were engaged young (both 22), and FI was ready long before me - he seemed to reach all the "relationship steps" quicker than I did, from actually dating to being ready to talk about commitment to proposing... we're having a long 2yr engagement and guess whose idea that is? The thing to really understand though is that I didn't want to wait because I loved him less or because I had less faith in our future together than he did, I just honestly wasn't ready to OFFICIALLY take that step. I needed(need!) more time to process everything, and I enjoy savouring each step over galloping to the next - and when I was ready it really did just "click", and there was this feeling of "rightness" about the idea of being affianced that wouldn't have been there had I compromised on my personal timeline needs. The engagement is about both of you, and you both deserve to feel like you're giddy and floating when it happens.


I really think that you've had the engagement conversations - he's even given you a timeline (and yes, I do think it was a silencing tactic) - now you need to either have faith in your relationship or end it and find someone else who can meet your timelines. Pushing him to feel "ready" before it "clicks" isn't going to make it happen any faster: my FI respected my need to take it slowly, didn't cajole or 'subtly hint' or push for timelines beyond what I felt I could honestly give, even though it must've been incredibly hard for him, and I love and respect him all the more for it.


And on that note, one last thought - I promise, your bf has gotten the hint that you want that ring! Doing your nails, pulling him in to look at rings when he clearly has no interest, engagement chicken - overkill, love!

ETA: I'm not suggesting you wait forever for him to make up his mind or commit, and stay in a miserable state of uncertainty. I'm saying that you have two choices: either wait and enjoy the now or move onto someone else, and you need to commit to one of those choices instead of keeping yourself in this miserable uncertain limbo.

 

[Anonymous]

I had a huge post typed out, but I''m also at work and tabbing back and forth, so it was a mess...trying one last time to make sense. >.<

I think a lot of the other posts have been very good and I don''t think there''s much to add (if anything really). I just want to say a few things I guess.

I''ve been married before. I was living w/my now ex husband when we were 20 and 21 respectively. We got engaged at my insistence after only really knowing each other for 8 months and were married 6 months later...so a total of 14 months into my relationship with him. I *knew* at the time that neither of us were truly ready, but I felt so much pressure (both externally from my parents, and internally because of my semi-religious upbringing) that I know I pushed him to ask me when we had no business making a lifelong commitment like getting engaged and married. Heck, his parents didn''t even know that I was his gf when he asked me. They thought I was his roommate! (Yeah, denial but that''s not my point.) Before we were even married I knew that something was missing and I didn''t love him like I should, but I shoved the thoughts away because I wanted SO much to be married and in a stable relationship because I had huge family issues...still do actually, but I don''t let that lead my emotions around or jump into things too soon because I understand it now.

I won''t go into the details of that relationship, but I will say that while I''m extremely happy now and I know that it all happened for a reason (three actually...my two beautiful little girls, and to lead me to my SO). I''m also NOT saying "oh don''t rush into getting engaged because you guys aren''t meant to be together and it''s going to end horribly because that''s what happened to me". I *am* saying that you REALLY need to sit down by yourself and write out why getting engaged ASAP is important to you, and what you hope to gain from it. Then also write out what questions you have for your bf regarding why he''s not ready...then ask him to set aside some time when you are both not under stress to have a heart to heart talk about it.

I''m hoping that you come to the realization that you have a great relationship with your bf and that you are comfortable enough with his current level of commitment (to be your bf and that when the time is right, your fi) that you can stop obsessing about the timing. If it''s meant to happen, it will. I''m not saying the wait will immediately be effortless, but at least if you have some idea of how he feels,and he has an idea of how you feel and WHY you feel that way, it will be a lot easier.

I think it''s important to say that if you do have a talk with him, that you go into it only after really thinking about what you hope to accomplish and taking a day or two to mull it all over to make sure that you''re being reasonable and realistic given *your* relationship, not what you read about on PS, the movies, the internet, etc. You need to be fair in your comparisons - as in try not to compare your situation with say, someone like mine. I know I just joined PS and that my bf already has the ring/is going to propose very soon and you want to be in my situation, but in all fairness you''d also have to have spent the last 8 months talking to your bf about engagement, saving money together for the ring, be 33 yrs old, have two children from a previous marriage that lasted 10 mostly miserable years, etc. etc. to truly be in my situation. In other words, make sure you''re not comparing apples to oranges, to throw in an old cheesy saying.

I think the LIW board is fun and healthy, but also pretty much torture if you know that your relationship isn''t very close to the proposal (as in 6 months or less in my opinion) unless you are getting more positive feelings than negative ones. If it just makes you feel like you''re missing out on something that you want, and creating bitter feelings for your own relationship, then maybe it''s not the best "therapy" for you. We all need to try to remember that just because we''re in the same "LIW boat", it doesn''t mean our situations are going to be even remotely the same...and if that bothers you, it''s probably going to cause you problems.

Ok I''m going to stop rambling now. I hope that made at least some sense and if not, let me know!

 

[Bunny007]

He told you it would happen within 2 years. If you''re fine with that, you need to let those two years pass (or close to two years) before you start freaking out. One year is well within his timeline. If, on the other hand, you''re not ok with it and this was a unilateral descision on his part, you need to either voice your opinion or decide whether your goals are compatible and reassess the relationship.

The bottom line is that these LIW-meltdowns aren''t good for you, him or your relationship.

 

[Natylad]

Date: 3/24/2010 8:25:37 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
MK, I feel like periodically you post the same threads about being frustrated and hurt because your bf hasn''t proposed to you yet. And each time, LIWs and other ladies who''ve been through it have responded sensitively with logical advice. Advice that you REFUSE to take. Have you considered that there might be other reasons why he hasn''t proposed? Such as your obsession with being engaged? You could be freaking him out! No one wants to feel like the girl they''ve grown to love is going to turn into a bunny-boiling crazy woman. And they CERTAINLY don''t want to marry someone like that. You''re ultimately shooting yourself in the foot when you b*tch and moan about not getting a ring. Not only are you upsetting yourself, but as stated previously, you''re pushing him away. He''s not ready. You are. You need to assess the situation realistically and decide if this is right for you. It''s unfair to make you wait, but for whatever reason, he''s really just not ready for a commitment like marriage.

Ditto Hawk...I couldn''t have put it better...

 

[iota15]

Date: 3/24/2010 1:46:39 PM
Author: tammy77
I had a huge post typed out, but I''m also at work and tabbing back and forth, so it was a mess...trying one last time to make sense. >.<

I think a lot of the other posts have been very good and I don''t think there''s much to add (if anything really). I just want to say a few things I guess.

I''ve been married before. I was living w/my now ex husband when we were 20 and 21 respectively. We got engaged at my insistence after only really knowing each other for 8 months and were married 6 months later...so a total of 14 months into my relationship with him. I *knew* at the time that neither of us were truly ready, but I felt so much pressure (both externally from my parents, and internally because of my semi-religious upbringing) that I know I pushed him to ask me when we had no business making a lifelong commitment like getting engaged and married. Heck, his parents didn''t even know that I was his gf when he asked me. They thought I was his roommate! (Yeah, denial but that''s not my point.) Before we were even married I knew that something was missing and I didn''t love him like I should, but I shoved the thoughts away because I wanted SO much to be married and in a stable relationship because I had huge family issues...still do actually, but I don''t let that lead my emotions around or jump into things too soon because I understand it now.

I won''t go into the details of that relationship, but I will say that while I''m extremely happy now and I know that it all happened for a reason (three actually...my two beautiful little girls, and to lead me to my SO). I''m also NOT saying ''oh don''t rush into getting engaged because you guys aren''t meant to be together and it''s going to end horribly because that''s what happened to me''. I *am* saying that you REALLY need to sit down by yourself and write out why getting engaged ASAP is important to you, and what you hope to gain from it. Then also write out what questions you have for your bf regarding why he''s not ready...then ask him to set aside some time when you are both not under stress to have a heart to heart talk about it.

I''m hoping that you come to the realization that you have a great relationship with your bf and that you are comfortable enough with his current level of commitment (to be your bf and that when the time is right, your fi) that you can stop obsessing about the timing. If it''s meant to happen, it will. I''m not saying the wait will immediately be effortless, but at least if you have some idea of how he feels,and he has an idea of how you feel and WHY you feel that way, it will be a lot easier.

I think it''s important to say that if you do have a talk with him, that you go into it only after really thinking about what you hope to accomplish and taking a day or two to mull it all over to make sure that you''re being reasonable and realistic given *your* relationship, not what you read about on PS, the movies, the internet, etc. You need to be fair in your comparisons - as in try not to compare your situation with say, someone like mine. I know I just joined PS and that my bf already has the ring/is going to propose very soon and you want to be in my situation, but in all fairness you''d also have to have spent the last 8 months talking to your bf about engagement, saving money together for the ring, be 33 yrs old, have two children from a previous marriage that lasted 10 mostly miserable years, etc. etc. to truly be in my situation. In other words, make sure you''re not comparing apples to oranges, to throw in an old cheesy saying.

I think the LIW board is fun and healthy, but also pretty much torture if you know that your relationship isn''t very close to the proposal (as in 6 months or less in my opinion) unless you are getting more positive feelings than negative ones. If it just makes you feel like you''re missing out on something that you want, and creating bitter feelings for your own relationship, then maybe it''s not the best ''therapy'' for you. We all need to try to remember that just because we''re in the same ''LIW boat'', it doesn''t mean our situations are going to be even remotely the same...and if that bothers you, it''s probably going to cause you problems.

Ok I''m going to stop rambling now. I hope that made at least some sense and if not, let me know!

That''s a good post, Tammy. MK, I hope you take it to heart. Take some time and really figure out what you want out of this.

Tammy''s also right - a lot of us here already know an engagement is pending... or talked about it with our partners for a long time. Right now, while you seem to be talking about engagements a lot, you''re not actually talking with him but rather to him. Your bf, to me, does not seem ready. You should know that in your heart as well.

In one of your previous posts, at your insistence, your boyfriend told you he thought 2 - 4 years into the relationship would be an appropriate time to get engaged. At that time, you had only been seeing each other for 1 1/2 years. This bought him time.

Now, as you''ve passed the two year mark in your relationship and he sees your increased anxiousness about getting engaged, he''s told you maybe not until your next birthday, almost a year from now (stretching a possible engagement until 3-4 years into your relationship). I''m sure your bf loves you. He probably just wants you to relax and for both of you to enjoy the relationship as it is (hence, the moving timelines).

But really, any timelines he''s given you are meaningless. He''s giving himself time to be ready, time for him to assess your relationship (which is what you should be focusing on), and hoping you''ll calm down over the issue (it''s unfortunately having the opposite effect). He will be ready when he is ready - that could be three months from now, six months or six years, if ever. Yes, it is difficult to wait since you want it so bad. But if at this moment, you want it with this guy, relax. If you just want to be married already, then find someone else.

You need to ask yourself the tough questions first - do I just want to get engaged? Why? And whether I want to be engaged to this particular person, or just engaged period. What outside factors are at work here? What do I really want, knowing that this mountain that is your boyfriend''s current level of readiness cannot be unreasonably sped up through hints and crying?

Every time you "discuss" an engagement - this is the scenario going through your boyfriend''s mind, if he has any doubts as to his readiness (not love for you): Why is it that she wants it so bad, and I don''t? If anything, your engagement talks are solidifying his unreadiness to commit to you.

 

[iota15]

Date: 3/24/2010 4:31:52 PM
Author: Naty H&A

Date: 3/24/2010 8:25:37 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
MK, I feel like periodically you post the same threads about being frustrated and hurt because your bf hasn''t proposed to you yet. And each time, LIWs and other ladies who''ve been through it have responded sensitively with logical advice. Advice that you REFUSE to take. Have you considered that there might be other reasons why he hasn''t proposed? Such as your obsession with being engaged? You could be freaking him out! No one wants to feel like the girl they''ve grown to love is going to turn into a bunny-boiling crazy woman. And they CERTAINLY don''t want to marry someone like that. You''re ultimately shooting yourself in the foot when you b*tch and moan about not getting a ring. Not only are you upsetting yourself, but as stated previously, you''re pushing him away. He''s not ready. You are. You need to assess the situation realistically and decide if this is right for you. It''s unfair to make you wait, but for whatever reason, he''s really just not ready for a commitment like marriage.

Ditto Hawk...I couldn''t have put it better...

I wanted to add that while being made to wait may seem unfair to you, you''re not really being fair to your boyfriend either.

 

[princesss]

Date: 3/24/2010 4:52:15 PM
Author: iota15

Date: 3/24/2010 4:31:52 PM
Author: Naty H&A

Date: 3/24/2010 8:25:37 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
MK, I feel like periodically you post the same threads about being frustrated and hurt because your bf hasn''t proposed to you yet. And each time, LIWs and other ladies who''ve been through it have responded sensitively with logical advice. Advice that you REFUSE to take. Have you considered that there might be other reasons why he hasn''t proposed? Such as your obsession with being engaged? You could be freaking him out! No one wants to feel like the girl they''ve grown to love is going to turn into a bunny-boiling crazy woman. And they CERTAINLY don''t want to marry someone like that. You''re ultimately shooting yourself in the foot when you b*tch and moan about not getting a ring. Not only are you upsetting yourself, but as stated previously, you''re pushing him away. He''s not ready. You are. You need to assess the situation realistically and decide if this is right for you. It''s unfair to make you wait, but for whatever reason, he''s really just not ready for a commitment like marriage.

Ditto Hawk...I couldn''t have put it better...

I wanted to add that while being made to wait may seem unfair to you, you''re not really being fair to your boyfriend either.

YES! Great post.

 

[fuzzers]

Hi MermaidKelly,

I''m with Parsley on this one. I was in a similar state of mind and removing myself from The List was the best thing I could have done! No offense to the LIW board, I still think it''s great! I think I made it up to #14 or so. But truth is, BF and I have a lot of things to focus on before taking that step. I''ve felt a LOAD of pressure taken off since I took myself off the List. I really think you would feel better if you took a break just to enjoy your relationship.

 

[iota15]

I think PS/LIW is a good place for those that are fairly seriously into the pending proposal stage with their bf''s. We can gawk at rings, find our dream ring and pine for what''s to come (and should come in due time).

On the other hand, I think this place can be heartbreaking and terrible for those who are actually waiting for their bf''s to be ready.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/24/2010 4:52:15 PM
Author: iota15

Date: 3/24/2010 4:31:52 PM

Author: Naty H&A

Date: 3/24/2010 8:25:37 AM

Author: Hudson_Hawk

MK, I feel like periodically you post the same threads about being frustrated and hurt because your bf hasn't proposed to you yet. And each time, LIWs and other ladies who've been through it have responded sensitively with logical advice. Advice that you REFUSE to take. Have you considered that there might be other reasons why he hasn't proposed? Such as your obsession with being engaged? You could be freaking him out! No one wants to feel like the girl they've grown to love is going to turn into a bunny-boiling crazy woman. And they CERTAINLY don't want to marry someone like that. You're ultimately shooting yourself in the foot when you b*tch and moan about not getting a ring. Not only are you upsetting yourself, but as stated previously, you're pushing him away. He's not ready. You are. You need to assess the situation realistically and decide if this is right for you. It's unfair to make you wait, but for whatever reason, he's really just not ready for a commitment like marriage.

Ditto Hawk...I couldn't have put it better...

I wanted to add that while being made to wait may seem unfair to you, you're not really being fair to your boyfriend either.

I wanted to add that I don't get the impression he is "MAKING" you wait and I don't think ANYONE can MAKE you do anything anyway. You choose your own actions, as he chooses his. And yes, he should not have given you some sort of deadline of sorts when he would propose, but I really don't know the circumstances of this - did he feel pressure, was he still in the early honeymoon stage before you really knew one another, does he have some sort of idea that you need to propose in a certain time......but you also should not be holding him to something he said very early on in dating - particularly as you are both so very young. He said it, yes, but that does not mean he it is set in stone! Gosh, if I married everyone who talked about marriage to me early on in dating, I'd be on at least my 6th or 7th marriage by now (for the record, I am on my first (and intended to be only!) marriage and I waited until I was 30 to get married when I was genuinely ready, my husband was genuinely ready and we were ready TOGETHER).

I actually question whether you, and your relationship, really ARE ready. I know you think you are, but the fact that you are playing the guessing game so often with what your boyfriend (and I have only read your posts the last couple months) is thinking has me thinking the relationship is not ready (aside from fact he is not ready...making it obvious the relationship is not ready in itself) and has me questioning whether you are looking to an engagement as some sort of answer to your own insecurities or for a sense of identity. There is more to being READY to be married than just WANTING to be engaged/married. In both cases, a better answer is to seek a great counselor rather than an engagement - and I don't mean that in a critical way as I think counseling is absolutely fantastic.

 

[LadyJane83]

I notice you started a post the other day about having a hard time waiting b/c you are a virgin. Other posters have mentioned this a bit, but I have a few things to add that I hope might be helpful.

I think that you really need to step back and evaluate whether your decision to not have sex before marriage is behind your urgency to be engaged. If so, you shouldn''t get married to have sex.

I don''t mean to be controversial here, but it seems the majority of people who marry very young and very quickly have decided to wait until marriage. I don''t think this is a coincidence. I''m not saying that people who fall into this category won''t have successful marriages, but I do think the physical need for someone can cloud judgment in a lot of ways.

I wouldn''t encourgae you to abandon your principles- you need to do what is right for you. But, if you make a commitment to save sex for marriage, you should also make a commitment to get married only when you and your partner are ready emotionally, financially etc. (regardless of what your hormones say).

I''d suggest possibly living alone or with some female roommates and really exploring your interests and getting to know yourself as an individual. As Emerson said, "we must be our own before we can be another''s."

I don''t know how you were raised, but I think a lot of girls are raised to put their virginity on a pedestal, ie., if you lose your virginity, you lose value as a woman and wife. Sex is important, but relationships are so much more.

 

[FrekeChild]

What Lady J said in the post above.

I think you''ve received a lot of excellent advice MK. We care about you and we want you to be happy. I hope that you take these posts as how they are meant--from women who want the best for you.

 

[iota15]

Date: 3/24/2010 6:10:51 PM
Author: FrekeChild
What Lady J said in the post above.

I think you''ve received a lot of excellent advice MK. We care about you and we want you to be happy. I hope that you take these posts as how they are meant--from women who want the best for you.

I hope so too. This is tough love, and I mean well. It''s just tough to watch you torture yourself, while also being counterproductive.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 3/24/2010 7:40:37 PM
Author: iota15

Date: 3/24/2010 6:10:51 PM

Author: FrekeChild

What Lady J said in the post above.


I think you've received a lot of excellent advice MK. We care about you and we want you to be happy. I hope that you take these posts as how they are meant--from women who want the best for you.

I hope so too. This is tough love, and I mean well. It's just tough to watch you torture yourself, while also being counterproductive.

MK,

The others really have some good advise and I hope you are willing to take some of it to heart. Your actions may actually be hurting you chances of you getting what you want.

Just so you know I was on PS when I met my BF and I stayed away from the LIW board until about a year an a half into our relationship just because I didn't want to compare my relationship to people who are in a totally different situation than me. I joined the list hoping for an engagement in 6 months, and than my FI got laid off. So I ended up "waiting" almost a year later than planned, but in the end, the timing could not have worked out better. Everything in life happens for a reason and things go smoother if you let things go naturally rather than trying to force things down a certain path.

I didn't come onto this board until I *thought* it was going to happen soon (even though I ended up being wrong). I stayed away from it before that because I knew it would drive me nuts. I am sure other girls are doing the same thing.

My advise, try to forget about engagement and marriage. When you are around your BF, live your day to day life with him as if you were already engaged (I would say married, but I know you are waiting). That way he can see what kind of girl you are when you are not obsessing over this. It would be good for you and the relationship. This is coming from someone who wanted to be married at a young age and got burned because of that.

 

[Magpie09]

Date: 3/23/2010 9:10:22 PM
Author:MermaidKelly
Ok... I don''t want this post to seem mean, but I''ve been noticing that so many LIWs KNOW they are getting a ring SOON!

I wish I was one of the lucky ones. Unfortunately, the only thing I know is a basic timeline (aprox. within 2 years).. and now even that is screwy. BF told me not to ''expect anything'' till my next birthday, and the punchline is, my birthday JUST passed in January! It''s almost like he shortened our timeline by a year!
The other night I asked him about it and told him it hurt me, and he said ''It might not be true...I don''t know why I even said that''

Do you guys think he just said that to shut me up? Or do you think he may actually want to propose by the end of the year?

MK have some faith in your relationship and your boyfriend. He told you it would happen in 2 years and only one of those has past (if i remember correctly) so just trust that he will follow through with what he promised

You have posted about the highlighted before and i wonder what makes you believe it won''t happen. Do you not trust your boyfriend? Has he let you down in the past? Have you had other timelines in the past that he hasn''t followed through with or changed? Or has he let you down in the past or is there a history of not following through with his promises. If none of these apply then calm down and trust that it will happen soon and enjoy this time in your relationship.

You''re young and will have decades together with your boyfriend as a married couple where you will have to worry about finances and kids etc. Enjoy being a girlfriend and milk it for all it''s worth. Have fun during this time as you won''t get to redo it. For what it''s worth i''m young too and my boyfriend and i have been dating about 2 years. We have spoken about marriage and it is in our futures but we aren''t ready as individuals to get married yet. I do think it will happen in the next 1-2 years though and in the mean time i am enjoying my relationship and concentrating on my career and other goals i have away from my relationship.

Maybe your boyfriend isn''t ready for the next step yet but putting pressure on him won''t make him get there faster so just concentrate on being the best girlfriend you can be because if it''s meant to be it will happen.

(sorry for the novel)

 

[bee*]

I have to agree with HH and Lady Jane, especially in relation to the reasons why you are wanting to get married so quickly. Enjoy the dating stage. If there are any problems now, they will not get better with an engagement or marriage. Make sure that you''re both ready for it-financially, emotionally etc.

 

[karpouzi]

Date: 3/23/2010 9:10:22 PM
Author:MermaidKelly
Ok... I don''t want this post to seem mean, but I''ve been noticing that so many LIWs KNOW they are getting a ring SOON!

I wish I was one of the lucky ones. Unfortunately, the only thing I know is a basic timeline (aprox. within 2 years).. and now even that is screwy. BF told me not to ''expect anything'' till my next birthday, and the punchline is, my birthday JUST passed in January! It''s almost like he shortened our timeline by a year!
The other night I asked him about it and told him it hurt me, and he said ''It might not be true...I don''t know why I even said that''

Do you guys think he just said that to shut me up? Or do you think he may actually want to propose by the end of the year?

Do you want to be back here in a few months asking, "Do you guys think he just proposed to shut me up?" That, IMO, is one of the dangers of pressuring too much. Either you turn him off from proposing at all as others have said, or he DOES propose but you worry whether he really wanted to, or whether he only did it because he felt pressured.

I know it''s really really hard, but if you can refrain from saying anything AT ALL about an engagement, when the time does come you''ll know it was because he was ready and wanted to ask.

 

[MermaidKelly]

WOW

First off, I would like to say thank you to those who responded in a positive way. (HopeDream, I would love to be ''waiting buddies''!) I really appreciate the advice and I should just try not to worry about everything.

2nd of all... I almost can''t believe what I''m reading. Most every time I post on here, the same few people pretty much come after me! I hate to say it that way, but it''s true. I don''t post the same things over and over. When I joined this board people were posting about their stresses with their significant other, and about the pain of waiting for a proposal. That''s pretty much why I joined. Also, yes, I post about my relationship. What should I be posting about? Rings? I am not at that point yet. I am not pushing my boyfriend away. We have been very open about everything in our relationship and that includes talking about the future and getting engaged. Even my boyfriend commented ''why do you post there if they say that kind of stuff to you?'' My boyfriend is truely committed and I am sure it is not an issue of him ''being ready to make such committment'' He isn''t financially stable yet. He cannot afford a ring yet.

One last thing...There is no way I would break up with him because he''s not proposing yet. I love him. He means the world to me.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 3/24/2010 8:25:37 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
MK, I feel like periodically you post the same threads about being frustrated and hurt because your bf hasn't proposed to you yet. And each time, LIWs and other ladies who've been through it have responded sensitively with logical advice. Advice that you REFUSE to take. Have you considered that there might be other reasons why he hasn't proposed? Such as your obsession with being engaged? You could be freaking him out! No one wants to feel like the girl they've grown to love is going to turn into a bunny-boiling crazy woman. And they CERTAINLY don't want to marry someone like that. You're ultimately shooting yourself in the foot when you b*tch and moan about not getting a ring. Not only are you upsetting yourself, but as stated previously, you're pushing him away. He's not ready. You are. You need to assess the situation realistically and decide if this is right for you. It's unfair to make you wait, but for whatever reason, he's really just not ready for a commitment like marriage.

I'm quoting myself because I don't think you really read this. We would not be responding this way if there wasn't a previous history of posts like this or about you being frustrated with things your bf isn't doing for you that you think he should be (the recent sick thread for example). You can call us petty, you can call us mean, but until your story changes, the response is going to remain the same. Again, back off and give him space. If your relationship is as healthy as you think it is, then you have nothing to worry about and you need to just be patient and let it happen on HIS schedule. HE is the one who has to dish out thousands of dollars for the ring that YOU dream about. HE is the one who has to plan the proposal that YOU dream about. Give the poor guy a break!

 

[princesss]

Date: 3/25/2010 4:48:02 PM
Author: MermaidKelly
WOW

First off, I would like to say thank you to those who responded in a positive way. (HopeDream, I would love to be ''waiting buddies''!) I really appreciate the advice and I should just try not to worry about everything.

2nd of all... I almost can''t believe what I''m reading. Most every time I post on here, the same few people pretty much come after me! I hate to say it that way, but it''s true. I don''t post the same things over and over. When I joined this board people were posting about their stresses with their significant other, and about the pain of waiting for a proposal. That''s pretty much why I joined. Also, yes, I post about my relationship. What should I be posting about? Rings? I am not at that point yet. I am not pushing my boyfriend away. We have been very open about everything in our relationship and that includes talking about the future and getting engaged. Even my boyfriend commented ''why do you post there if they say that kind of stuff to you?'' My boyfriend is truely committed and I am sure it is not an issue of him ''being ready to make such committment'' He isn''t financially stable yet. He cannot afford a ring yet.

One last thing...There is no way I would break up with him because he''s not proposing yet. I love him. He means the world to me.

And hun, if that''s all it was, I think people would leave you alone for the most part. But your posts constantly sound like you''re worrying he doesn''t love you and won''t ever propose. It seems like if you were secure and just annoyed with the wait, you wouldn''t sound like you think he''s looking for a reason not to propose. "Is he lying? Does he not love me? Is he EVER going to marry me?" - those are the kinds of questions many of us are used to seeing from you. And it''s hard to watch a sweet girl seem to question her relationship. And since it seems to be all you post, it''s dang near impossible not to think maybe he IS stringing you along because you sound so desperate.

Yes, many women on here have a hard time sometimes, and this is a really supportive place for that. But when it''s constant, it''s a different story. Sometimes we''ve just got a bad read on the situation (I think we were all pretty off when it comes to allycat0303, for example), and if that''s the case think about how what you post influences us. We only know what you tell us - if all we know are negative things, they''re not coming from outer space. You''re posting them.

So if you''re not happy with the responses, think about what you''re posting. I see a lot of impatience on here for different posters, but rarely DOUBTS. You seem to only post doubts.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/25/2010 4:48:02 PM
Author: MermaidKelly

I am not pushing my boyfriend away. We have been very open about everything in our relationship and that includes talking about the future and getting engaged. Even my boyfriend commented 'why do you post there if they say that kind of stuff to you?' My boyfriend is truely committed and I am sure it is not an issue of him 'being ready to make such committment' He isn't financially stable yet. He cannot afford a ring yet.


One last thing...There is no way I would break up with him because he's not proposing yet. I love him. He means the world to me.

Except that you have posted that he has thought you were only wanting to be engaged for security (sounds like he feels pushed to me) and he did not want to just be another "security blanket for you"; you don't talk "openly" as you talk about making what you consider subtle hints and cooking engagement chicken......

Has he actually read your posts on here? I mean, yes, if you think people are mean then don't post here...but I really don't think anyone is MEAN, and I am not sure what you have told him yourself if he has not actually read the posts.

I never said he was not committed. I do say that does not mean he is ready to be married. If he does NOT feel ready (be it due to his finances or not being ready to "afford a ring") then he is NOT ready. Period. Seriously, people get engaged everyday without rings. I did. One of my friends was proposed to with a toothpick (and she still has it tucked away safe and sound). There is a woman somewhere on PS who got a bent straw for her ring (she has since gotten a diamond I believe). You don't need a ring to get engaged or married or to be "ready" to get married and you seem to place a lot of emphasis on this idea that ALL your guy needs is some money and a ring and VOILA. You do need to feel ready and be in the right place that works for you as an individual to be ready - for him that includes being financially stable or whatever else. So, he is NOT ready.

And, I do suggest it is time to expand your world a bit to include other than your boyfriend or the idea of getting engaged/married.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/25/2010 4:48:02 PM
Author: MermaidKelly
WOW

First off, I would like to say thank you to those who responded in a positive way. (HopeDream, I would love to be ''waiting buddies''!) I really appreciate the advice and I should just try not to worry about everything.

2nd of all... I almost can''t believe what I''m reading. Most every time I post on here, the same few people pretty much come after me! I hate to say it that way, but it''s true. I don''t post the same things over and over. When I joined this board people were posting about their stresses with their significant other, and about the pain of waiting for a proposal. That''s pretty much why I joined. Also, yes, I post about my relationship. What should I be posting about? Rings? I am not at that point yet. I am not pushing my boyfriend away. We have been very open about everything in our relationship and that includes talking about the future and getting engaged. Even my boyfriend commented ''why do you post there if they say that kind of stuff to you?'' My boyfriend is truely committed and I am sure it is not an issue of him ''being ready to make such committment'' He isn''t financially stable yet. He cannot afford a ring yet.

One last thing...There is no way I would break up with him because he''s not proposing yet. I love him. He means the world to me.

I don''t see how you are having open conversations about this, but running to PS every month/few months, to post about your relationship, and asking US what YOUR BOYFRIEND is really saying. So, even if you ARE having "open conversations" about it, you''re obviously NOT believing what he''s telling you straight from his mouth.

If you don''t want advice from ENGAGED AND MARRIED women, then I don''t know what to tell you.

And yes, I feel like your posts are quite similar. Right now you have TWO threads about your relationship, both of them QUESTIONING YOUR BOYFRIEND''S BEHAVIOR. I''m sorry, but I think that''s ridiculous. Either stay with him and stop pushing him towards engagement, or dump him.

I''m not trying to be harsh, but it''s really difficult not to be when people are here trying to give you advice to HELP YOU and to SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP, and you''re basically putting us down.

 

[Indylady]

MK, sometimes we/posters give tough love. I''ve been the giver, and receiver..so take time to think about what these ladies say, but don''t let it get you down. That''s not why they wrote to you.

I understand where you are coming from entirely. As a young-er LIW who is also waiting till marriage, and has been with SO for 3 and 1/2 years, trust, me I know. I would love nothing more than to live with my SO, make dinner with him at night, wake up next to him in the morning and drink coffee and watching the morning news.

I called my dad once recently because I was upset my friends were getting engaged and I wasn''t (my dad is amazing by the way!

) And you know what he told me? He said, "That is foolish! What you are thinking is foolish." He went on to tell me that while I''m single, I have the world at my feet, I''m un-tied and I can pursue anything I want. He explained that while marriage is amazing in its own right, you can''t go back to the single life of a 20 something year old. He told me that my mom was offered a full scholarship to pursue a MBA at Boston University, and she didn''t take it because she was a newlywed and didn''t want to move away from my father in Connecticut. My face was

because I''d never heard that story before. He told me that marriage will come, and basically, once it comes, its not goin'' away! Hehe. So, he told me to take my time, do all that I wanted whenever and however I want to while I''m still living this part of my life. He told me that I have lots to be thankful for (which I do!) and to be thankful for it while I''m living it. It was great advice, and I felt great after hearing it. So now, I''m out on lunch-dates with girlfriends, late night study sessions with the roomies, breakfast for dinner at 11pm (aka, when I feel like it) and basically enjoying myself and my life, oh, and really pushing it in school too.

I still feel a little pang here and there when I''m watching a bridal show, but, hey, I have so much to be thankful, and you do too. I have someone to love that loves me back, and finding that person and that relationship was the biggest miracle of all.

 

[monarch64]

MK, human nature is wanting what we cannot have. Things are so appealing when they seem out of reach! I think what''s bothering you most maybe is that you want what you can''t have, and you don''t feel in control of the situation. Many of your threads are, indeed, about your anxieties due to the fact that you and your boyfriend are only completely different pages about the engagement timeline. Listen, at least you are both in the same BOOK. That''s the good news. You have very romantic ideas about the process (which is fine), but I think people are telling you here to be more realistic. The LIW subforum is definitely a place where you can talk freely about your concerns and thoughts on your situation with people who share similar feelings and it is meant to be a supportive environment. You seem to be saying in your most recent post that you don''t feel supported and you feel a little threatened, and also you would like to be addressed with a little more sensitivity. Well, ok. Message received if that''s the one you intended to send.

Now, there is an old saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can''t make him drink." You have a horse (your boyfriend) on your hands here. No matter how enticing you make the water seem, he''s being stubborn and he''s just not ready to drink yet, even though your greatest hope in the world is for him to just drain the trough already! So honestly, what you have to do is wait him out. If he gets thirsty enough, that''s when he''ll drink.

In the meantime, you will need to distract yourself or find something to do to busy yourself so you aren''t going insane with anticipation. Make a list of things you''d like to do before you die. Seriously. A "bucket list." Don''t think about what you and boyfriend will do together once you get married. Do not write down that you want to get engaged and married. Consider those givens. DO write down what YOU would like to experience, whether it be where you want to travel, things you would like to see, books you''d like to read, things you would like to buy, things you''d like to do to help others, etc. When you''re finished, you can show the list to boyfriend. You''re sharing parts of your soul and your dreams with him. It could be a really nice way to share with him and it will likely open up a conversation about something other than engagement. Not only that, he will see that you have a lot going on as a person, that you have dreams and aspirations beyond getting a ring on your finger, and maybe you both will discover new things about each other!

There''s my advice in a nutshell, and hopefully you''ll at least think about it. It''s worth a try, right? Because the way you''re approaching things right now isn''t working, so that means ya gotta try something else. I hope this helps, if even a little bit.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 3/25/2010 6:38:16 PM
Author: IndyLady
MK, sometimes we/posters give tough love. I''ve been the giver, and receiver..so take time to think about what these ladies say, but don''t let it get you down. That''s not why they wrote to you.


I understand where you are coming from entirely. As a young-er LIW who is also waiting till marriage, and has been with SO for 3 and 1/2 years, trust, me I know. I would love nothing more than to live with my SO, make dinner with him at night, wake up next to him in the morning and drink coffee and watching the morning news.


I called my dad once recently because I was upset my friends were getting engaged and I wasn''t (my dad is amazing by the way!

) And you know what he told me? He said, ''That is foolish! What you are thinking is foolish.'' He went on to tell me that while I''m single, I have the world at my feet, I''m un-tied and I can pursue anything I want. He explained that while marriage is amazing in its own right, you can''t go back to the single life of a 20 something year old. He told me that my mom was offered a full scholarship to pursue a MBA at Boston University, and she didn''t take it because she was a newlywed and didn''t want to move away from my father in Connecticut. My face was

because I''d never heard that story before. He told me that marriage will come, and basically, once it comes, its not goin'' away! Hehe. So, he told me to take my time, do all that I wanted whenever and however I want to while I''m still living this part of my life. He told me that I have lots to be thankful for (which I do!) and to be thankful for it while I''m living it. It was great advice, and I felt great after hearing it. So now, I''m out on lunch-dates with girlfriends, late night study sessions with the roomies, breakfast for dinner at 11pm (aka, when I feel like it) and basically enjoying myself and my life, oh, and really pushing it in school too.


I still feel a little pang here and there when I''m watching a bridal show, but, hey, I have so much to be thankful, and you do too. I have someone to love that loves me back, and finding that person and that relationship was the biggest miracle of all.

this is fantastic advice!

 

[babycush]

Date: 3/25/2010 7:18:02 PM
Author: Porridge

Date: 3/25/2010 6:38:16 PM

Author: IndyLady

MK, sometimes we/posters give tough love. I''ve been the giver, and receiver..so take time to think about what these ladies say, but don''t let it get you down. That''s not why they wrote to you.



I understand where you are coming from entirely. As a young-er LIW who is also waiting till marriage, and has been with SO for 3 and 1/2 years, trust, me I know. I would love nothing more than to live with my SO, make dinner with him at night, wake up next to him in the morning and drink coffee and watching the morning news.



I called my dad once recently because I was upset my friends were getting engaged and I wasn''t (my dad is amazing by the way!

) And you know what he told me? He said, ''That is foolish! What you are thinking is foolish.'' He went on to tell me that while I''m single, I have the world at my feet, I''m un-tied and I can pursue anything I want. He explained that while marriage is amazing in its own right, you can''t go back to the single life of a 20 something year old. He told me that my mom was offered a full scholarship to pursue a MBA at Boston University, and she didn''t take it because she was a newlywed and didn''t want to move away from my father in Connecticut. My face was

because I''d never heard that story before. He told me that marriage will come, and basically, once it comes, its not goin'' away! Hehe. So, he told me to take my time, do all that I wanted whenever and however I want to while I''m still living this part of my life. He told me that I have lots to be thankful for (which I do!) and to be thankful for it while I''m living it. It was great advice, and I felt great after hearing it. So now, I''m out on lunch-dates with girlfriends, late night study sessions with the roomies, breakfast for dinner at 11pm (aka, when I feel like it) and basically enjoying myself and my life, oh, and really pushing it in school too.



I still feel a little pang here and there when I''m watching a bridal show, but, hey, I have so much to be thankful, and you do too. I have someone to love that loves me back, and finding that person and that relationship was the biggest miracle of all.

this is fantastic advice!

Seconded.

The women on this board are completely objective observers. We wouldn''t know you if we passed you on the street. And from our outsiders'' perspective, all of these replies are filled with sound advice that will help you find happiness and peace of mind. I can definitely see how having 50+ replies to a post of yours giving you tough love could be hard to swallow at first, but I sincerely hope that you can take time to read them and take them to heart.

 

[monarch64]

IndyLady: that IS fantastic advice from your dad. Really fantastic! (PS--I''m an hour and a half south of you!!!)

 

[Indylady]

Date: 3/25/2010 7:47:47 PM
Author: monarch64
IndyLady: that IS fantastic advice from your dad. Really fantastic! (PS--I'm an hour and a half south of you!!!)

Really?! I'd love to have a Fl. GTG with you!

ETA: I agree, my dad's advice hit home like no other! My parents are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary this December, and I am really looking forward to celebrating with them.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 3/25/2010 8:23:27 PM
Author: IndyLady

Date: 3/25/2010 7:47:47 PM

Author: monarch64

IndyLady: that IS fantastic advice from your dad. Really fantastic! (PS--I''m an hour and a half south of you!!!)

Really?! I''d love to have a Fl. GTG with you!

ETA: I agree, my dad''s advice hit home like no other! My parents are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary this December, and I am really looking forward to celebrating with them.

Wait--FL??? I thought you were in Indianapolis?!?!???!!! Oopsies.