Why wait?

[Harpertoo]

Re: Why wait?

The thing that bugs me about the whole idea of a "Lady in Waiting," which is a role or status implied by this thread, is that it supports traditional gender roles in a way that I don't think is healthy for a relationship. Specifically, the notion that a woman must wait for the man to be "ready" to settle down, and the notion that somehow it is HIS choice, not hers, to commit and be married. Commitment should not be a unilateral decision, it should be mutual. So the idea that the woman must wait months or years for her bf to propose makes me ask: Why is she so ready before him? Is she rushing? Does she have overly romantic notions of relationships? Is she overlooking red flag issues in their bond? Why is he dragging along behind? Is he unsure? Is he making a power play? I don't think that type of asymmetry in power, in roles, in decision-making is a good thing generally speaking. Obviously, sometimes people take a while to get engaged, as has been talked about in this thread, and it is a mutual decision! But if the woman is ready and "waiting", the man buys a ring, and then he waits. And waits. And waits. That is a situation that would make me, personally, really start asking some hard questions of myself and my relationship. But I am not a very traditional woman. Maybe it all makes more sense if you adopt traditional gender roles?

well said - exactly my discomfort when considering this!

 

[CJ2008]

Re: Why wait?

The thing that bugs me about the whole idea of a "Lady in Waiting," which is a role or status implied by this thread, is that it supports traditional gender roles in a way that I don't think is healthy for a relationship. Specifically, the notion that a woman must wait for the man to be "ready" to settle down, and the notion that somehow it is HIS choice, not hers, to commit and be married. Commitment should not be a unilateral decision, it should be mutual. So the idea that the woman must wait months or years for her bf to propose makes me ask: Why is she so ready before him? Is she rushing? Does she have overly romantic notions of relationships? Is she overlooking red flag issues in their bond? Why is he dragging along behind? Is he unsure? Is he making a power play? I don't think that type of asymmetry in power, in roles, in decision-making is a good thing generally speaking. Obviously, sometimes people take a while to get engaged, as has been talked about in this thread, and it is a mutual decision! But if the woman is ready and "waiting", the man buys a ring, and then he waits. And waits. And waits. That is a situation that would make me, personally, really start asking some hard questions of myself and my relationship. But I am not a very traditional woman. Maybe it all makes more sense if you adopt traditional gender roles?

I love this post.

 

[doubledouble]

Re: Why wait?

I had the ring for two days before proposing. That said, I knew my fiancée always wanted a holiday season proposal. If something had gone wrong with the rings that I got together on a short timeframe (Couldn't get my heirloom stone shipped in time, didn't like her diamond and returned it, etc) I would have used the next year to put the rings together at a leisurely pace and propose the next December, which would almost certainly have resulted in sitting on the completed rings for months.

 

[April20]

Re: Why wait?

I have no idea. I've always wondered about this.

My DH proposed BEFORE he got the ring!

 

[Roxy]

Re: Why wait?

Wow. I kind of feel personally hurt by this since many of you PSers knew and followed along with my journey, one that took 2 years of waiting and over 1 year post-diamond purchase. I love all the assumptions that are being made here.

Madelise, don't be hurt. The perspective from many (if not most) PSers is that the BF is the one doing the asking and the GF/SO is the one doing the "waiting". So, if you shared your journey while waiting, then PSers were right there with you.

I read the comments/responses here as being directed more towards the BFs who are NOT coordinating the timing along with their SOs and are instead holding onto the ring for one reason after another and then another ... leaving the SO in "limbo" and that's not very nice.

I've heard men (mainly co-workers since I work in a male-dominated field) often say that they're holding onto the ring to keep their women in line because as soon as they give them THE ring, the women will change (ie, get lazy, increase demands, have stronger opinions, etc etc). It's really sad and hurtful to hear.

It's completely different if both of the parties are in agreement on what the right timing is for them.

 

[Roxy]

Re: Why wait?

I had the ring for two days before proposing. That said, I knew my fiancée always wanted a holiday season proposal. If something had gone wrong with the rings that I got together on a short timeframe (Couldn't get my heirloom stone shipped in time, didn't like her diamond and returned it, etc) I would have used the next year to put the rings together at a leisurely pace and propose the next December, which would almost certainly have resulted in sitting on the completed rings for months.

Wow, really? You could have waited an additional year to put the ring on her finger? That's an amazing amount of patience, my husband would have lost his mind LOL .

DH told me he wanted to marry me after a month of dating and I had a tough time convincing him to wait and get engaged the following year. He hated the fact that I lived 15 minutes away from him (yes, 15 min away drove him nuts) and couldn't wait until we could get married and start our lives together.

He talked w/ my father, bought the ring, and then planned a Christmas proposal. Even though a sudden death in my family threw off his "perfect" plans, he told me later that there was no way he could have waited an additional week (let alone a year).

I'm seriously impressed w/ your level of patience. I could definitely use some of that myself !!!

 

[AN0NYM0US]

Re: Why wait?

The answer from the horse's mouth …

I was actually talking to my wife this week about one of these answers. I confessed to her that I had felt guilt for the last 6 years for not asking her father for her hand. She was borderline angry saying that she was happy I didn't, that she was an adult and not her fathers property to give away and she could make her own mistakes -thanks honey.

I had the ring for about a month before I proposed. I had a date and scenario planned though.

 

[04diamond<3]

Re: Why wait?

I have no clue....Personally, I think if someone is serious about wanting to be with her, then they wouldn't wait. I've heard all the reasons too, and I'm still confused. DH and I were together 4 1/2 years and he knew that I wanted to be involved in picking out the ring. Once he could afford it, I picked it out. From that time to the time we were "officially" engaged was about 3 weeks. Two months before though we took my parents out to lunch and he grabbed moms hands and asked for permission to marry me (she started crying of course). It was the cutest thing, but other than that, we wanted to get engaged asap. I always dreamt of a Christmas engagement and that's about when it happened. We didn't know when we'd get married, we didn't really have the finances to be able to....we just wanted to be engaged. We got married 11 months later; and we only had 3 months to plan because it all happened so fast. Still amazed when we talk about how it all happened at anniversaries Personally, I understand that are always reasons why people can wait, but if you know, then you'll jump in...

 

[04diamond<3]

Re: Why wait?

Wow, really? You could have waited an additional year to put the ring on her finger? That's an amazing amount of patience, my husband would have lost his mind LOL .

This is a good point. DH knew my obession with glitter since day one of our dating, so he was more excited to give it to me than I was to receive it (which is nearly impossible to imagine).