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Will Mama give her blessing? Help!

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Lucky Ducky

Lucky Ducky

Rough_Rock
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Jan 2, 2008
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My boyfriend and I want to get married. The ring is chosen - he is ready to propose and I am ready to say yes! We don''t know, however, how to approach my mother (dad''s out of the picture).

I am only 20 years old and the bf and I have only been dating officially for about 4 months (but friends for longer). I know she will have all sorts of reservations about the engagement (you''re too young, you haven''t been together long enough, why do you have to get engaged so soon...). I want my mom to be a part of this. I''m excited and this is what I want!!

Any suggestions about how to approach her? Does he ask for her blessing? Do we ask her together? Do we tell her together? Where do we tell her? Under what circumstances?

IDEAS?! PLEASE HELP!
-Jess
 
When are you two thinking of getting married?

I think I would definitely understand your mother''s concerns, being that you are quite young and you and your BF have only been dating for a very short period of time. IMO, I think that that''s a very short time in which to be getting engaged, especially at your age - with so much growing into adulthood left to do. Why is it necessary for you to get engaged now? Why not at least give it a year?

You said emphatically that it''s what you want, but sometimes what we want, isn''t always the wisest thing for us to do. I don''t know about your relationship other than what you''ve posted, but I''d be more interested in hearing why you feel that getiting engaged would be the best choice for you right now.

About getting your mother''s blessing - as you said, I think you should expect that she would have her concerns. I''m sure any mother would. IMO, the best way to approach her and soothe any reservations she might have, would be to provide her with good reasons for wanting to be engaged/married right now, as opposed to waiting. If those reasons make her feel more assured, she might probably give you her blessing. Or she might do so simply because she wamts you to be happy. If you''re not sure about those reasons, though, other than because it''s what you want... then you should probably expect some resistance to the idea.

I think you and your BF should do this together, so that she has a chance to question you both if she needs to.
 
I totally agree with Sha. I think that you two should approach your mam together. Is there any reason why you want to do it after only 4 months? I can understand why your mother would have many reservations. If you do get engaged now I''d take your time before you get married. You need to see what happens during the lows as well as the highs in my opinion before making a life-long commitment.
 
I have to agree with Sha here. You should expect a lot of concern on her part. If my 20 year old daughter came to me and said she wanted to marry her boyfriend of 4 months, I think I''d have a heart attack. Statistically, marriages at 20 or younger are astronomically more likely to fail. And there are reasons for that.

So if you want a strategy, learn as much as you can about the reasons why marriages fail in general, and particularly the reasons they are more likely to fail with young girls as brides, and come up with a strategy for how you would deal with each eventuality. 20 years old is on the cusp of adulthood, but unless you''ve been paying bills, working for a living, functioning on your own, and looking after yourself for quite some time, your mom probably doesn''t see you as a full-grown adult.

And frankly, I would panic if ANY friend of mine came to me and said they were getting engaged to someone they''d been with for 4 months. You are definitely still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. There are going to be serious ups and downs. You want to be damn sure you can weather a big crisis together, that you really, REALLY know each other, that you can fight about something serious and fight fair, and that when the love-buzz wears off, you still want to be around each other.

I got engaged on the quick side - at around 9 months, and had known each other for 2 or 3 years - and all I can say is I now think that was too fast. At 30, I''ve been around the block a couple of times and knew exactly what I was looking for and what I was not looking for. But I''ve sure learned a lot about my FI and about ''us'' since we got engaged that I wish I had known before! Not that I wouldn''t have said ''yes''. I''m still dying to marry him! But let''s just say that we have definitely had some reality checks in the last few months that could have gone either way. Take your time. You don''t want to make a fool of yourself.

Actually, if I can just speak frankly, for all these reasons, I think what you''re doing is c-r-a-z-y. But you didn''t ask what I think, only for advice dealing with your mom. So my advice is, anticipate why she might also think this is nuts and show her your maturity by offering pragmatic solutions to her concerns.

Oh, and I would also HIGHLY recommend pre-marital counseling so you both understand the extreme commitment you''re about to make, and how hard marriage can be. Telling mom you plan to do that could ease her concerns a little too.
 
If I was your mother I''d be worried too. You hardly know this guy. Four months is nothing. Hell, two years doesn''t even mean you really know each other. And you''re only 20 years old. Hopefully, you have years of life experience and possibly a lot of changes coming your way. Please, slow down. What''s the rush? It sounds like there''s more going on here...
 
Wow! I''m kinda shocked haha. Not because you''re still so young and ready to make a commitment, but more because you want to make that commitment official right away.
I know that it''s hard to be take serious when you''re that age. Hell, I met my BF when I was 16!
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-BF is 7 years older- Thankfully we''re (so far
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) the proof that it''s not always destined to fail, cause we''re getting married this year (after 10 years).

We bought our own apartment when I was 19, but I didn''t wanted to get married until 2 years ago. I still figured I was too young. Maybe that sounds kinda crazy, but that''s how I felt.

So what I''m trying to say, isn''t moving in together an option or not? You could try that first and wait off with your engagement for at least a year so you can get to know each other a little bit better before you make it official!

Okay, but back on topic
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Both my parents felt really comfortable with my BF from the beginning and had no problem us moving in together. I guess it''s depending on how well your mom knows your BF and if she''s relaxed about your relationship with him. Will this come as a total shock to her? You''re the only one who can predict that and plan around that. Just make sure to be prepared for a lot of questions and don''t fall back on the ''this is what I want'' story.

Good luck!!
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Juuuust a shot in the dark, but are you a Christian, Jess? Does the hurry have to do with religious commitments?
 
I also agree with Sha. You are young and trust me, your feelings can change tremendously even after a year at that age. I would say to definitely approach your Mother together and why not consider a longer engagement? Knowing someone for 4 months isn''t very long, if you have a longer engagement it will give you both time to adjust to the huge commitment you plan to make to each other. I did a similar thing with my Husband of 20 years, although we were 23 at the time, he asked me to marry him after 2 months, but we didn''t marry until well over a year after. I still feel we did the right thing to wait.

Best of luck to you!
 
I''m in agreement with all here, particularly Indy.

Why are you so eager to get married now? If you are going to commit your lives together, surely a couple of years of dating or living together won''t make a huge difference !?! (Unless it''s the christian sex thing, which, is a concern if it''s the reason for marriage).

We''re been together for 9 years come June. Now, this is excessive, I agree (and everyone here agrees). But I can tell you looking back, that the first couple of years were SO important. Can you wait a while?

Maybe you can get ''promised'' right now? Or engaged now, but set a date 2 years from now?
 
I would approach her together and be prepared to hash things out and listen to all of your mom''s reservations.

I know moms can be overbearing(my mom is the queen of overprotective/annoyingly over-concerned moms and I am 27) but you must understand that in most cases (especially when we are younger) the concern our mothers display comes deep from the heart.

Speaking from my own life experience and what I know now that I did not know back then: be willing to compromise. If your mom has these concerns, I would imagine she has at least some cause for the concern. Maybe you guys can put off the engagement until the end of the year...or until you finish a certain amount of college...or until you have a steady job. Be willing to meet in the middle so that not only will everyone be happy going into your engagement, but so that you are as prepared as possible to enter this new phase.
 
Date: 1/15/2008 2:18:37 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Juuuust a shot in the dark, but are you a Christian, Jess? Does the hurry have to do with religious commitments?
Click to expand...

I was thinking this too. If this is the reason, it''s not a great one to make a life long commitment for.
 
I can''t suggest ways to get your mom on board, because there are none. She will likely have very strong feelings about this, and nothing but time will help that. I would suggest you spend that time dating your boyfriend, getting to know him better and exploring your wants/needs for the future (education, careers, family, etc.) as individuals and as a couple, but just a couple that''s dating, or planning on a loooooooooooooooooooong engagement (years, not months).
 
Everyone here gave good advice, but ARE YOU CRAZY!??!!!? independentgirl has said what i wanted, but i''ll add my 2cents. i know you are in the love and lust stage, but you are very young and have yet to have had to go through any hudles in your relationship, thats where you find out if you can stick it out with the other person. enjoy each other at the great stage in your relationship, don''t jump into anything...if you feel the need for a commitment---get "pre engaged". sorry to be a downer, but life and relationships at 20 are way different than those you have in your late 20''s and 30''s because thats when you begin to find out who you really are and become established in life.
 
I would recommend a long engagement, at least a year. Time for your mom to realize you are serious and time for you to get to know your FI.

I met my DH when I was 16, he was 21. We decided that we wanted to marry each other within the first 6 months. We started planning our lives together, but we did not get engaged for a year and a half. This time allowed us to decide if this was what we really wanted to and it allowed time for my parents to get to know him and fall in love with him themselves. When I got engaged on my 18th birthday most of my friends and their parents were horrified (the same reactions you are getting here). My best friends mom made me promise we would not marry soon, she was afraid of me repeating some of her mistakes. We waited almost another 2.5 years before we married. By the time we got married people started asking us why we were waiting so long
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.

I have now spent almost half of my life with this man, and I realize now that I either made the smartest decision of my life at age 16 or that I am just an immensely lucky person
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.

This can be a good thing, but there is no need to rush.
 
I met my FI when I was 18. We knew we would be getting married after about the first 9 months, but we felt we were too young. We got engaged just before my 22nd birthday and we will be getting married just shy of my 24th. Between when we met and when we marry it will be 5 years.
The average marriage at 20 and under has almost TWICE the divorce rate as people who wait until 26 or older.
What''s the rush?
 
My daughter will be 20 this May. Look, you have all the time in the world. At 20 you barely know yourself, let alone this man. 4 months of dating?? Please take your time, if after a year or two you feel the same way, great. But best to let this relationship grow and mature. Lots can happen over time. Right now you''re in that La La phase methinks.
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Ditto to what everyone else said, especially Indy.

Please don''t rush into anything. I know it''s so hard to hear people telling you that you have all the time in the world and to slow down because you know yourself and you know what you want and who you want to be with and you''re ready to do it RIGHT NOW. And that may all be true, and I believe you that it is. So enjoy it. Relish it. Let it drag on for a long time. Being a girlfriend is a lot of fun, it really is.

HOWEVER, as someone who has been there (engaged at 21, ended engagement nearly two years later) and who then decided to take it s - l - o - w the next time around (engaged to now FI after 3 years, by the time we marry we''ll be together 4 years), I can assure you that giving yourself time to really get to know each other is really the best thing. And I must say, all that excitement of whenisitgonnahappen and ohmygoshIthinkhe''sgoingtoproposesoon is really a lot of fun, anyway. Feeling like you''re really not old enough to be getting married, and then ultimately ending an engagement which turns out to be a very public decision, not fun at all.

Take your time, sweetie, life is in diapers.
 
Date: 1/15/2008 9:41:57 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
I met my FI when I was 18. We knew we would be getting married after about the first 9 months, but we felt we were too young. We got engaged just before my 22nd birthday and we will be getting married just shy of my 24th. Between when we met and when we marry it will be 5 years.

The average marriage at 20 and under has almost TWICE the divorce rate as people who wait until 26 or older.

What''s the rush?
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I was the same-I met D at 17 but we only got engaged three months ago when I was two months shy of 26. I knew early on that we would be together forever but I just don''t see what the rush is after dating four months. Are you living independently, can you support yourself etc. All these things need to be sorted before you should get married imo.
 
another big ditto on this one
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i met my FI when i was 19, and we were sure that we would get married in the first few months, and i''m not going to lie, right around a year, year and a half later, i REALLY got the engagement itch. We didn''t get engaged until almost 3 years into dating, and while it is a hard pill to swallow, i know it''s a good thing that we waited until we did.


i know it is really exciting and the idea of getting engaged and married is so wonderfully overwhelming that just the sheer thrill of it might be enough to cloud your judgment. if you think you are mature enough to get married right now then you''ve GOT to acknowledge the pitfalls of doing what you are planning on doing. it''s a very romantic notion- getting engaged so young and so quick. unfortunately, in the long run it is better to be smart and give it a while (as unfun as that sounds) than to potentially become a cautionary tale. Being ''smart'' about it might not make your friends green with jealousy or elicit choruses of "congratulations", but you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are with a man you totally love, that you have big plans for your future, and that you are going about it in a very adult way.

I''m not sure if it''s already been asked (probably has) but are the two of you financially independent and stable? what about education? I see a lot of friends that got married young and are still working part time, going to school part time, never seeing their spouse years after they should have graduated because they chose to get married instead of waiting one more year. any person in love will most likely turn their nose up at the idea (promise) of hardship, but taking a step like that you make a lot of unnecessary sacrifices.
 
Date: 1/15/2008 1:15:13 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I have to agree with Sha here. You should expect a lot of concern on her part. If my 20 year old daughter came to me and said she wanted to marry her boyfriend of 4 months, I think I''d have a heart attack. Statistically, marriages at 20 or younger are astronomically more likely to fail. And there are reasons for that.

So if you want a strategy, learn as much as you can about the reasons why marriages fail in general, and particularly the reasons they are more likely to fail with young girls as brides, and come up with a strategy for how you would deal with each eventuality. 20 years old is on the cusp of adulthood, but unless you''ve been paying bills, working for a living, functioning on your own, and looking after yourself for quite some time, your mom probably doesn''t see you as a full-grown adult.

And frankly, I would panic if ANY friend of mine came to me and said they were getting engaged to someone they''d been with for 4 months. You are definitely still in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. There are going to be serious ups and downs. You want to be damn sure you can weather a big crisis together, that you really, REALLY know each other, that you can fight about something serious and fight fair, and that when the love-buzz wears off, you still want to be around each other.

I got engaged on the quick side - at around 9 months, and had known each other for 2 or 3 years - and all I can say is I now think that was too fast. At 30, I''ve been around the block a couple of times and knew exactly what I was looking for and what I was not looking for. But I''ve sure learned a lot about my FI and about ''us'' since we got engaged that I wish I had known before! Not that I wouldn''t have said ''yes''. I''m still dying to marry him! But let''s just say that we have definitely had some reality checks in the last few months that could have gone either way. Take your time. You don''t want to make a fool of yourself.

Actually, if I can just speak frankly, for all these reasons, I think what you''re doing is c-r-a-z-y. But you didn''t ask what I think, only for advice dealing with your mom. So my advice is, anticipate why she might also think this is nuts and show her your maturity by offering pragmatic solutions to her concerns.

Oh, and I would also HIGHLY recommend pre-marital counseling so you both understand the extreme commitment you''re about to make, and how hard marriage can be. Telling mom you plan to do that could ease her concerns a little too.
Click to expand...

A big DITTO from me. Unless you''re not telling us something, I can''t think of a single reason to be rushing into marriage at the age of 20 after only 4 months of dating. Yikes. Take a deep breath and think about the implications of what you''re doing...you may feel mature and ready but I promise you, at age 20 I was nowhere NEAR ready for marriage. I think I''m just now ready and I''m engaged after dating my fiance for 4 years, almost 5, and I''m 26 years old. Even the age 26 seems young to me, but I''ve met the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life and we''ve been through a lot together in the last 5 years, so I''m ready to make that commitment. I really hope you''ll take the advice everyone has given you here to heart instead of just blowing us off...even though we probably all seem like we''re only a little bit older than you, 6 years in your twenties makes a world of difference. You''ll know that''s true when you''re 26!
 
Hello and welcome!
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I went through a similar experience, so I thought maybe it would help you out. I was awaiting my proposal at 20 also (although we''d been together for 2+ years more than you guys), and I wanted to break it out to my mother beforehand to make sure there wouldn''t be any issues once we were engaged. I think the best way to do it is to sit down just the both of you and tell her clamly about your plans. Don''t be defensive and confrontational. "This is what we intentd to do and we wanted to let you know so there won''t be any surprises." My mother tends to be somewhat overprotective and I was worried about her reaction, but it turned out to be just fine. She smiled and said she''d been expecting this. I wasn''t expecting that...
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I was engaged at 21 about 6 months after this discussion, and I will be married at 23 in 6 months. I won''t tell you you''re too young, you''re not the first young bride-to-be around here, and you said you and your boyfriend were friends before so obviously we know too little of your story to judge you. Just make sure you''re not rushing things for the wrong reasons.

Good luck to you!
 
If it's really important for you to get your mothers blessing, the only thing to do is give it time if you already know she's not going to agree with it. She needs to be able to feel that you are both ready for such a huge lifetime commitment. Do you and your bf have stable jobs? Do either of you still live at home? or have you been out on your own? These are likely a few of the things your mom will be thinking of when this man comes to ask for her blessing to marry her little girl. My mom loves my FI, he's been really great for me, helping me out with things that if left to my own devices would've taken me much longer to achieve. He's been there for me from the start of our relationship and she knows that when I need him too, he takes wonderful care of me and he's going to be a great husband. So many times since we've been together she has told me how happy she is that I have someone like him in my life. I'm happy too, and I'm happy that my mom agrees with the decision.

You just have to really figure out what it is that your mom disagrees with about it and figure out how to explain that whatever it is isn't a problem.

ETA: I was 19 when we started dating, 21 when we got engaged. We'll be getting married when I'm 23 and my FI will be one month shy of 29. So it's not so much that you're too young, I don't know enough about you to judge you or anything, because your age isn't so much important as your mentality (is that the right word?) It's more so that you are young AND that you've only been dating for 4 months. Sure you were friends with him before, but I've had lots of friends who were friends with their significant other first and it can go either way, being friends first helps, but it's definitely not the same IMHO.
 
I agree with everyone else. I can''t imagine getting married only 4 months of dating someone. It''s definitely the honeymoon period. I know you said you''ve been friends with your boyfriend before you started dating, but dating IS different than simply being friends. I''d slow it down a bit and see where things go over time.
 
As a mom of a daughter (who''s only 11, thank god, lol), I would be concerned if she came home to announce an engagement after only 4 months of dating. It''s a mother''s JOB to be protective, no matter how old your child is!

That being said, I would not want to push my daughter away either and would try to be supportive but push for a l-o-n-g engagement. A friend of ours and his DW met online, moved in after 6 weeks of dating, got engaged at the 5 month mark but then had an 18 month long engagement. It made her parents feel at ease (and get to know him more themselves!) that at least there wouldn''t be a rushed wedding. Our friend''s DW was only 22 at the time as well.

Best of luck!
 
Thanks for all of your feedback! Sorry I''ve been slow in responding....

To answer some of your questions:
-I am a religious person, but that has nothing to do with my wanting to get married.
-Yes, we are already living together and have been for several months. This has allowed me to get to know him in a way that I never would if we were just casually dating.
-I am still in school and working part time and he has a steady, full-time job and is simultaneously furthering his education (Ph.D candidate). He is ridiculously reponsible and has been saving and preparing for a future family since he was 12 (for 17 years).

I''m in no rush - really. There is no pressing reason why I want to get married now. It just feels right. We do plan on having a long engagement so my family can get to know him better and I his. I especially appreciate the responses from you mothers out there. We told my mom and while she had several concerns, she was understanding and wants to be a part of this.
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-Jess
 
What about getting a promise ring and taking that step first? Then get officially engaged in a year or so.

I was engaged at 19, but we had been together 3 years at that point. We didn''t get married until 2.5 years later.
 
Thats good news to hear your mom is being understanding about it. But I''m honestly wondering why if you''re going to have a long engagement anyways, that you need to rush into it right now? Sure it feels right, but unless the relationship is SERIOUSLY flawed, almost all of them feel so right that early on! Why not just enjoy dating for a while? I got the engagement itch early on, but let me tell you, you''re rushing through all the fun parts. Don''t get me wrong, I love planning this wedding with him, and we''ve been talking about kids from way early in the relationship, it''s been a great time. However, it''s a different kind of fun than dating is. It really is easier said than done, when people tell you to slow down and just enjoy being in the moment.... but once you''re past it, you kinda wish you could go back once in a while (at least I do!). Of course, you''re going to do what you want to do, and no one can really say that just because you''re young and going so quickly that you''re going to fail. It''s more of a...... measure twice, cut once? Probably not the right analogy
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But life moves fast, if you don''t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.

Anywho, in the end... congratulations on your upcoming engagement, I wish you happiness!
 
I agree with Mustang. If I were your mom, I''d tell you to put off getting engaged for another year or so. Start with a promise ring maybe from a place that upgrades so you can just trade it in for a bigger stone when it''s time for the e-ring.

The issue is not getting to know him through living with him (like, how often he clips his toe nails kind of know him). The issue is how does he react to catastrophic news? How does he treat you when something serious happens with you? How do you manage serious fights? Illness? Etc. It takes time, not just proximity to get to know each other.

Can you tell us how you two met? He wasn''t not your TA or instructor or something was he?!!? I mean, if he''s a Ph.D. student and you''re an undergrad. Having been a doctoral student myself, and having seen this kind of thing going on...that would cause me some concern. Just because I know how undergrads can get stars in their eyes about instructors and TA''s... I know I did back in the day too. That can cloud your vision a little. And we had a name for the doctoral candidates who used to use that to get a crack at the undergrads... and it wasn''t a nice name. Because however much you ''consent'', his status makes you ''easy prey''. Not. Kosher. And those are usually the guys whom women their own age won''t date.

I know that sounds really, really horrible. The only reason I''m telling you this is that I have seen that kind of thing, oh, so many times, and it is rarely a healthy situation. If this IS the situation, and I was your mom, I wouldn''t just have a heart attack, but, like, a quadruple coronary + a stroke.

So I reeeeeeeeally hope you have never taken a class anywhere NEAR this guy. If you know what I mean. Or hopefully, that you''re not even at the same school.
 
Date: 1/17/2008 3:22:51 PM
Author: partyjewels
Thats good news to hear your mom is being understanding about it. But I''m honestly wondering why if you''re going to have a long engagement anyways, that you need to rush into it right now? Sure it feels right, but unless the relationship is SERIOUSLY flawed, almost all of them feel so right that early on! Why not just enjoy dating for a while? I got the engagement itch early on, but let me tell you, you''re rushing through all the fun parts. Don''t get me wrong, I love planning this wedding with him, and we''ve been talking about kids from way early in the relationship, it''s been a great time. However, it''s a different kind of fun than dating is. It really is easier said than done, when people tell you to slow down and just enjoy being in the moment.... but once you''re past it, you kinda wish you could go back once in a while (at least I do!). Of course, you''re going to do what you want to do, and no one can really say that just because you''re young and going so quickly that you''re going to fail. It''s more of a...... measure twice, cut once? Probably not the right analogy
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But life moves fast, if you don''t stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.

Anywho, in the end... congratulations on your upcoming engagement, I wish you happiness!
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Ditto! I''m glad your mother was understanding, but there doesn''t seem to be a pressing reason to rush into a big commitment right now, is there? It might be worth it to just have fun and enjoy the relationship for the time being. I would say at least give it a year. It can''t hurt, can it?

ETA: Is your boyfriend religious as well? I know you said that''s not a big factor for you in wanting to be ''official'' so soon, but could it be different for him?
 
I''m 25 and have been dating my fiance for 1.5 years, and knew him for a year before that. I''ve been on my own for a while, and will be 26 when we get married. My parents were still concerned when I mentioned that we were thinking of a fall wedding. They dated for five years and aren''t sure if I know him well enough.

So we''re pushing the date back to next Spring. It''s really no sweat off my back - I''m a busy person and having more time to plan and to save will be nice. I have a couple other really big, really important things going on in my life right now. My fiance, too, is in no rush. We live together and share expenses.

And it will make my parents more comfortable with my decision. It doesn''t hurt me or hinder my happiness, so why not? I love my fiance, and we can''t wait to marry one another - but we are content to enjoy the now.

We have a friend who met a girl, got engaged three months later, got married three months after that, and four months after that, they are now expecting! This is all under the year mark! I know he''s happy as a clam, but he is also feeling SO overwhelmed.

I''m glad you''re in no rush. It''ll give you both the time you need to focus on your studies and to plan the wedding that you both want!
 
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