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Words of Wisdom - the 1st year of living together...

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TravelingGal

TravelingGal

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OK, so we have a lots of ladies now married, and a lot already living together. If you were to give one word of practical advice to the ladies who are about to embark on cohabitation bliss, what would it be? You know they say that first year is tough!

Mine would be to say: Know when to walk away before an argument gets ugly. It''s OK to go each go to your own corners and regroup when tensions are a bit lower.
 
I''d have to say, keep an open mind about how things are done. At this point in your lives you''re both going to have your own different ways of doing things. Compromise so no one has to change everything.
 
I''d have to say, you''re living your life with someone else now, make sure you start to focus yourselves on "we" instead of "me". That''s how we came upon the dishes/laundry deal. I do dishes, he does laundry, instead of to each his own.
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I agree with all of the above advice! And I would like to highlight one word: COMPROMISE. It''s a tough thing to learn when you''ve been on your own and didn''t have to think about anyone else''s feelings. But you''re not alone anymore, you''re thinking for a unit not just yourself. So you must learn to compromise. Everything can''t always be the way you want it--or the way he wants it. You both have to learn to meet in the middle on some things and definitely pick your battles. And of course, don''t go to sleep mad! Oh yeah, and communication. Really important especially when you''re in close quarters!
 
Re: Compromise....

I think everyone knows that we SHOULD compromise...but isn''t it pretty tough sometimes to do this?
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I really never realized how important that phrase "pick your battles" was until I lived with my FI.

As mentioned, I am sure chores are a big area for a lot of us. I HATE vacuuming...I get sneezy and wheeze...nothing major, just annoying. Also when I grew up, it was always the man''s job to vacuum. So initially FI agreed to vacuum and take out the trash, and I would happily take care of everything else (I like to clean). I had a small trashcan I emptied everyday - but as soon as it became his chore, guess what...he went out and bought a much bigger trash can!
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So the trash ended up being emptied once every 3 days (ew!) or when I asked him. And he hardly ever vacuumed...turns out he hated it more than I did. What was a girl to do? Do I INSIST that he vacuum? Hmmm...

We had a sit down chat on how to remedy it. I did tell him that it truly bothered me that he didn''t take out the trash everyday. Since that chat, he has gotten into the habit of taking it out every morning before work. Vacuuming was trickier...so I thought "What chore could he do that makes him happy?"

The answer was laundry...he''s anal about clean clothes! I hate washing more than vacuuming - and even worse, folding...and we have to go to a laundromat. We used to go together before, but we agreed that HE would do all the laundry himself, and during that time, I would vacuum. I still sneeze and wheeze a bit, but it turned out great for us.

So he has two chores and I have the rest...including one chore that I absolutely despise. Is it fair? Hm...probably not. Is it really compromise? Well, I see it as sacrifice on my part, but yes, it''s compromise and I am happy with it because we both feel good about our decision. Plus I have been pretty flaky on the vacuum front, but I notice now when I go to get the vacuum, FI does it...maybe because now he''s helping me instead of *having* to do it? He''s actually vacuumed the last few times...hee hee!

So the moral of this story is that I don''t see compromise as "fair" all the time. I don''t believe in 50/50. Understanding that helped me not to keep score, and be happy to just come up with mutually satisfying resolutions, whatever they may be.

One last word about the chores...if he does something in a way you don''t like, don''t criticize! They won''t keep doing it if they feel like you''re eagle eyeing everything. If you don''t like they way they do things (providing it''s a healthy effort), then do it yourself.
 
Yeah, you can''t keep score when compromising. That only ruins the whole effect compromising was trying to accomplish.

Still, I think certain personalities have it easier when compromising. Both me and my wife are pretty laid back so it''s pretty easy to compromise since so very little actually bothers us all THAT much.
 
In the same vein as what has already been said, chose what really matters and let the rest of it go. I am a bit of a neat freak, hubby is a bit cluttery. I don''t complain that the family room and kitchen often have newspapers laying around, but I draw the line at our kitchen turning into a recycling center-we have three trash "piles"": CRV recycling, regular recycling and trash)-I would like to only have two, but it matters to him. I don''t know what''s CRV and what isn''t and I don''t really care, so I got a big plastic box, put it in the garage and said I would throw all things recycling into it, then he can seperate it all out and do as he pleases with it...but it''s not to live on our kitchen counter. It''s all about chosing battles and knowing when to fold, because your friendship/relationship is much more important than CRV recycling.
 
I would have to say that my biggest bit of advice would be to admit when you are wrong.

Being stubborn when you''re wrong doesn''t do much good...
 
We have been living together for 4 years and it was an easy transition for us both. I guess we are both laid back so I think the big thing is to not sweat the small stuff because in the end it just DOES NOT matter. Just enjoy each other and the time you spend together.
 
To be just as polite and appreciative the 1000th time around. Treating each other even better because you see each other everyday, that''s what made all the difference for us.
 
Date: 9/7/2006 5:53:01 PM
Author: TravelingGal

So the moral of this story is that I don't see compromise as 'fair' all the time. I don't believe in 50/50. Understanding that helped me not to keep score, and be happy to just come up with mutually satisfying resolutions, whatever they may be.
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This is REALLY very true. Fair doesn't mean 50/50; it means coming up with the solution that works best for you both, whatever that is.

My piece of advice: Don't expect perfection, and don't let small thing become big things. In the grand scheme of things, it's not the end of the world if someone forgets to vacuum or take out the trash. It's not life-altering if you leave a glass on the counter or a dish in the sink. These aren't things to fight about. These are things to discuss calmy and resolve, but don't let these little things become bigger than they are.

BE KIND TO EACH OTHER.....the rest will fall into place.
 
Interesting topic, and oh-so-timely as I moved in with FI about 2 months ago.

This is the first co-habitation experience for both of us, and so far, so good.

THANKS for the words of wisdom, Ladies!
 
1. try to find a place with more than one bathroom.
2. realize that both of you are individuals and have patience when the other doesn''t do things the same way you would.
3. Tivo is your friend. Install it and use it--avoid many altercations.
4. Don''t forget to have pillow fights! No one has to be "grown-up" all the time!

DH and I lived together for 1.5 years before marriage...it had its ups and downs, but we tried to re-evaluate our expectations from low to lower periodically, lol! Just kidding. But really, have fun with it and don''t expect it to be "playing house" or to be perfect.
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TALK TALK TALK about your annoying habits and about your temper.

FI leaves his socks everywhere. I don't squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom but from the top. He's a slow but obsesive cleaner, I'm quick and cut a few corners. I slam doors when I get mad and I YELL-- I threw things at previous BF's when I get REALLY angry. He gets quiet until he explodes suddenly, then needs to step outside and go for a walk.

But you know what? We warned the other about all of that when we were moving in together so none of it was a surprise.

I hate his socks; he fixes the toothpaste every morning. We've learned to clean together. I don't throw things when I get angry, he always promises me that he'll be back before he leaves for a 'walk.'

Also set ground rules.

He felt it was NEVER okay to sleep apart when angry. Seriously, the one time I stomped out to the living room to sleep on the couch he followed me and slept on the floor 3 feet away. I've never left the bed angry since. And he was right... it forces us to deal with each other.

Recognize each other's strengths and asign tasks accordingly:

His obsessive cleaning works great in the bathrooms, my 'efficient' style works best in the office with all the paperwork and crap that builds up. I screw up the actual washing and drying of cloths... he can't sort to save his life and he can NOT fold anything beyond his undershirts.


When you live together IT ALL HANGS OUT. You have to accept that BEFORE you move in together. The other person will see you at your best, and at your worst... so prepare them for your worst, and work to be your best. And don't keep score.
 
And with AAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL the great advice above, I''d also have to add: Easier said than done! LOL...

I think learning to not take things personally is important too. It''s amazing how much you do take personally that you would never have expected living together that initial first year. I am pretty laid back, but I found out not as much as I thought.
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FI drives around all day going to different job sites. In L.A., that means traffic,which means coming home grumpy. Some days he just didn''t want to talk to me...needed to unwind by watching sports or some other mind numbing activity. Took me awhile to shrug it off, instead of getting irritated that he was taking out his day on me.
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Date: 9/8/2006 12:27:12 AM
Author: ChargerGrrl
Interesting topic, and oh-so-timely as I moved in with FI about 2 months ago.

This is the first co-habitation experience for both of us, and so far, so good.

THANKS for the words of wisdom, Ladies!
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Great to hear chargergrrl, although I had to laugh when I read your post. FI and I were great for the first two months (exactly)...then the gloves came off!!!
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Date: 9/8/2006 12:36:54 AM
Author: monarch64
1. try to find a place with more than one bathroom.
2. realize that both of you are individuals and have patience when the other doesn''t do things the same way you would.
3. Tivo is your friend. Install it and use it--avoid many altercations.
4. Don''t forget to have pillow fights! No one has to be ''grown-up'' all the time!

DH and I lived together for 1.5 years before marriage...it had its ups and downs, but we tried to re-evaluate our expectations from low to lower periodically, lol! Just kidding. But really, have fun with it and don''t expect it to be ''playing house'' or to be perfect.
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Oh my god...yes...we are looking at homes for fun, and even if they are perfect but only have one bathroom, they are being nixed. Boys really ARE more stinky than girls! Peeeeeeeeeeeeyew!
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I think it is still important to pursue your own separate interests. You are a couple, but not Siamese twins, so find some great things to go do together, sure, but find things that are still about you (and he should do this too, as long as it is nothing illegal or immoral!) so you have your own identity still. ALL the advice I have read so far is great, it all is good. Also, not taking everything so seriously...sometimes a good laugh is worth a million words and diffuses things so well!
 
Date: 9/8/2006 1:00:41 AM
Author: diamondfan
I think it is still important to pursue your own separate interests. You are a couple, but not Siamese twins, so find some great things to go do together, sure, but find things that are still about you (and he should do this too, as long as it is nothing illegal or immoral!) so you have your own identity still. ALL the advice I have read so far is great, it all is good. Also, not taking everything so seriously...sometimes a good laugh is worth a million words and diffuses things so well!
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Oh, diamondfan, I couldn''t agree with you more. You just can''t live in a "bubble" of couple-ness and expect things to be perfect. Each person has got to NOT forget about their previous, separate interests, and the other has to respect that. It''s really what keeps things interesting, and fresh, sometimes.

I told my DH from almost the day we met that I would always encourage him to have his "boy time" with friends, whether it be fishing, going to sports bars, games, etc. He knows that I have to have my alone time, or "girl" time, when I just want the house to myself for a couple of hours, or to have dinner with a girlfriend or three, or whatever, as well. I do all kinds of things (that don''t require TOO much time away from him--that would defeat the purpose), that keep me involved in the world outside of just the two of us, and I think that is key.
 
Monarch, you are so wise to make it known from the beginning. I am also certain that as in the Three Bears, the middle option is usually the best, or "just right". Too much togetherness or too much separateness is not normally going to be great for the long haul...it is a balancing act.
 
Date: 9/8/2006 1:36:18 AM
Author: diamondfan
Monarch, you are so wise to make it known from the beginning. I am also certain that as in the Three Bears, the middle option is usually the best, or ''just right''. Too much togetherness or too much separateness is not normally going to be great for the long haul...it is a balancing act.
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Thanks, Diamondfan...no one''s ever called me "wise" before...maybe due to the fact that I''m 29, ha ha. Seriously, though, I''m so glad you brought up the idea of maintaining some sort of individuality in a relationship. I think that it is really easy to fall in love during that "honeymoon" stage of a relationship and all the time couples think that everything will be rosy as long as they keep doing what they''re doing by always being together. To me, that promotes co-dependency and can unfortunately be unhealthy after the couple''s "new-ness" wears off.

I just read a really good article on a site called ivillage the other day, entitled, "5 Ways to Create Joy in Your Relationship." #1 was "Thou shalt not live in a bubble." So I have to give credit where its due... but honestly I have always felt that way and made sure when I was dating that it was a priority that my male counterpart at least understand it. We all know those couples who seem so blissfully wedded, or engaged, or together, who really don''t spend time by themselves outside their relationship. To me, that is very sweet when on the outside looking in, but I often wonder, what do they have to talk about when they come home from work/taking care of the kids, etc.? So I think that as one half of a "couple," you have to remember to keep things somewhat interesting by maintaining some sort of life outside of the relationship/marriage. Otherwise, JEEZ, what a bore marriage would be!
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One year of marriage and counting!

Honestly, truly, really KNOW that you have flaws and he has flaws (just like everyone in the world has flaws) and accept him for who he really is, even when the flaw drives you crazy. It takes a lot of trust to unveil all of our dirty laundry (literally!) to someone, so respect that.

To repeat what someone else said, cultivate your own interests separate from him, but also cultivate a "couples''" interest that you can do together. I like to say that if you go to a party attached at each others'' hip, you won''t have anything to talk about when you go home. At the same time, you are also an item and need to spend quality time together as a couple.

Fight fairly. Don''t throw accusations at each other, rather talk about how his leaving dirty socks on the kitchen table grosses you out because XYZ and would he please try to preserve your mental sanity by taking them at least to the bedroom?

Baby steps! Going from socks on the table to socks under the table to socks in the bedroom to socks in the dirty hamper is easier than trying to go from socks on the table to socks in the hamper.

Don''t cultivate unrealistic expectations. You''re married to/living with a human! You''d balk if he expected you to work all day and then whip up a gourmet meal and have the house sparkling by the time he got home, so don''t expect him to be Superman either.
 
I certainly agree with needing to compromise. But, that said, it could get bad if one person does most of the compromising.

Moving to my fiance''s condo next month will be challenging. He really doesn''t clean unless a science experiment looks likes it''s forming. He knows I''m annoyed when I clean the bathroom. Plus his spoiled cats rule the house. Also, he''s been there for a year, yet there are still unpacked boxes. Drives me nuts but I don''t harp on it. I would like for him to at least do a little organizng so that my stuff has someplace to go, but he hasn''t yet. You try to be nice as possible but it''s tough when you don''t feel like you SO is really understanding you. I also like decorating. His plain, white walls need something. As an artist, you figure he would like some color.

He''ll love it when all my wrought iron pieces show up!
 
Everybody has given really good advice! Our 1st year wasn''t so bad but we definitely had some trying times.

Having your own bathroom is the BEST thing you can do for the relationship, especially if you both have to be out of the house at the same time in the morning. It lets you keep 1 routine intact. My FI took his toilet apart a month ago because it had a slow leak. Still hasn''t figured out how to put it back together so he''s using my bathroom and I''m so not happy about that. I''m this close to calling a plumber to fix it for him. I''d try to do it but don''t want to "emasculate him" on his first home improvement project. He admits he''s stalled but hasn''t asked for help yet.

Here''s the thing on compromise... if something is important to you, do it. If there''s something that you know you can do better than him and it''s going to bother you if he doesn''t do it as well as you do, do it yourself. If you ask for help, you have to accept the way he does it, not berate him for doing it differently, and you shouldn''t really tell him how you would do it unless he asks for help.

My FI gets all up in arms if I leave a glass on the end table. Personally, it doesn''t bother me at all. I''ll take it to the kitchen, just not right this second. If he wants it in the kitchen, he has learned to pick it up on his way rather than ask me to do it. He also doesn''t like it when I use the same glass more than once. Say I''m having a glass of water. I finish the glass and put it on the counter knowing that in an hour I''m probably going to want more water. It''s perfectly acceptable to me to do this... I''ll use it again. He thinks its horrible and will immediately place said glass in the dishwasher. I think it''s being wasteful. But we don''t argue about it. It''s important to him that it goes in the dishwasher, so if he''s standing there, that''s what he''ll do, but if he isn''t, it stays out until I''m ready to use it again.

If you''re nitpicky about something, make sure you''re willing to do it. You can''t expect your partner to have the same issue.

I don''t like the cat hair on the stairs, so I vacuum the cat hair. He prefers that all boxes be broken down the same day they enter the house, so he does it.
 
Okay.. I just have to say.. JCJD- NO WAY has it been a year?! Holy crap time flys.. Didn''t you just get married last week?

Umm Hubby and I have only been living together for three months.. I don''t know if I have a whole lot of advice to give.. We''re still working on the lcompromises.. Basically I''m trying to work on getting him to actually do something around the house.. (he does nothing really..) and I need to work on keeping my temper a bit in check.. We''re getting there.. Sort of.. He still doesn''t do much around the house (Once he did a load of laundry.. hehe).. but he is getting better about being more responsible with taking care of daily tasks.. And I can''t complain tooo much because i haven''t done laundry in like 2 weeks and havent'' put laundry AWAY in like 3 weeks, and he hasn''t complained that he gets dressed in the basement every morning.. hehe.. :-D
 
Oh yes.. and I WOULD LOVE LOVE LOVE a second bathroom.. We don''t even get ready at the same time everymorning.. but at night.. he TAKES FOREVER getting ready for bed.. so I don''t even usually get to brushing my teeth before I fall asleep.. I seriously am considering putting a second bathroom in, even if its in the basement.. when we have kids..
 
Another bathroom is sooo crucial. Now that I think about it, our lives would be soooo much easier if we had a second bathroom. I don''t mind sharing the sink when we brush our teeth. We good naturedly bump our hips and rear ends together. However, we''ve been trying to explore different foods lately. Sometimes, we get a little too exotic and if you ever have needed to fight for a toilet, that''s NOT fun. We don''t fight over the shower cuz we''ll just hop in together, but she freaks if I blow dry my hair while she''s still in there. She''s perfectly calm if she forgets and starts blow drying while I''m in there, but whatever. An extra bathroom would be nice so I can run over there to blow dry my hair in peace.
 
Hey Codex.... years ago I shared an apartment with another gal and just one bathroom. I used my blowdryer in my bedroom with a mirror. Could you do that? It might help a bit on that front. I did once blow a fuse doing this, but it was an old building!
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Separate interests are key! Good call DF and Monarch!

Umm... on the two bathroom front. We''ve always shared a bathroom. I mean, we have two other bathrooms in this house, but our master is ''ours'' and the one we use most often. And when he first lived together in DC for three years we had one bathroom and it was fine. Now that we might be moving to CA we will probably have one bathroom again, and well... I think that will be fine too. I think it just depends on your personalities. FI is anal about bathroom cleanliness... and we are good at working together and around each other. Two bathrooms isn''t a must in my opinion. It''s nice, but it won''t break you if you don''t have it.
 
FI and I only have one bathroom currently, but when we move to our townhouse we''ll have 2. Sharing with him has never bothered me. He''s good about putting the toilet lid down (I care about the lid not the seat so much. I just don''t want to chance my hair products falling in) and isn''t messy in there at all except when he washes his face. I creates a lake on the counter and the floor. We fixed the floor problem by putting a mat down in front of the sink, but I guess the counter part annoys me a bit since most of my hair products are sitting on the counter and they get wet. This won''t be a problem in the townhouse, though, because we have so much more storage space that we shouldn''t have to have anything on the counter and then I can just towel up his face washing lake on the counter.

My parents don''t share a bathroom and I never really thought anything of it until recently. My dad''s bathroom is really gross. He never cleans it, so I can definitely see why some people don''t want to share. I''m lucky FI''s not like that. He''s actually the one who cleans the tub and toilet.
 
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