Words of Wisdom - the 1st year of living together...

[laine]

Date: 9/8/2006 12:30:12 PM
Author: sumbride
Say I''m having a glass of water. I finish the glass and put it on the counter knowing that in an hour I''m probably going to want more water. It''s perfectly acceptable to me to do this... I''ll use it again. He thinks its horrible and will immediately place said glass in the dishwasher. I think it''s being wasteful. But we don''t argue about it. It''s important to him that it goes in the dishwasher, so if he''s standing there, that''s what he''ll do, but if he isn''t, it stays out until I''m ready to use it again.

Sumbride--that reminded me of my dad, he hides his glass behind the toaster so that he can use it all day long and not be "wasteful"

Actually, the glass and dish thing is something that drives me crazy about my boyfriend-he always puts his dishes in the sink, so that I have to put them in the dishwasher later. I''m still working on training him to put them straight in the dishwasher (he claims hes not used to it because he never had one before). I suppose I should be happy they at least make it to the kitchen.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hmm...interesting that no one has mentioned money so far. I think this is another crucial component of successfully living together - learning to deal with your household budget together. I don''t think this has a one-size-fits-all solution (my DH and I combine everything financially right now, which I know wouldn''t work at all for some people), but I do think the one thing that all couples living together should do about money is COMMUNICATE. No matter how you structure your budget and your individual contributions to it, being up-front and open about your individual priorities is absolutely crucial to maintaining harmony in the home (in my opinion).

Great suggestions otherwise though - especially re: learning to compromise as something that''s not 50-50, and maintaining individual space (physical and metaphorical) and interests.

 

[sumbride]

Date: 9/8/2006 4:33:01 PM
Author: laine


Sumbride--that reminded me of my dad, he hides his glass behind the toaster so that he can use it all day long and not be ''wasteful''

Actually, the glass and dish thing is something that drives me crazy about my boyfriend-he always puts his dishes in the sink, so that I have to put them in the dishwasher later. I''m still working on training him to put them straight in the dishwasher (he claims hes not used to it because he never had one before). I suppose I should be happy they at least make it to the kitchen.

I''ll have to try that! He would never look behind the toaster!

I hate unloading the dishwasher. It''s probably in the top 5 of chores I detest. He doesn''t mind it, so he does it. But we still have dishes pile up because he only does it every couple of days. He throws everything in the sink though and I''d rather have it on the counter so I could still use the sink. He''s also broken several glasses by tossing them in the sink. And it drives me crazy to hear him drop my "good plates" in the sink! A few patterns need to change before we register for a new pattern!

 

[codex57]

Date: 9/8/2006 1:46:58 PM
Author: sumbride
Hey Codex.... years ago I shared an apartment with another gal and just one bathroom. I used my blowdryer in my bedroom with a mirror. Could you do that? It might help a bit on that front. I did once blow a fuse doing this, but it was an old building!

We''d need to buy another mirror. I have taken it into the living room and used a plug there (on her orders). I don''t need to be all that careful in doing my hair so I just used my reflection off the tv. Still, taking the blow dryer out there every morning is kind of a pain. Especially once it gets colder.

Not a big deal, our new house will be done in October. I''ll have two other bathrooms I can run to.

I''m still kinda confused as to what my wife''s worried about tho. I mean, I think it''s something to do with electrocution. I''m fine with that. I want her in one piece as well. But, how is using a plug somewhere else all that different from the plug in the bathroom? All the wiring is connected.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 9/8/2006 5:09:15 PM
Author: codex57
I''m still kinda confused as to what my wife''s worried about tho. I mean, I think it''s something to do with electrocution. I''m fine with that. I want her in one piece as well. But, how is using a plug somewhere else all that different from the plug in the bathroom? All the wiring is connected.

She''s probably worried about the hair dryer somehow getting into the tub (you lose your balance and fall backwards into the shower?) and electrocuting one or both of you that way.

 

[JCJD]

Date: 9/8/2006 12:36:21 PM
Author: MelissaSue
Okay.. I just have to say.. JCJD- NO WAY has it been a year?! Holy crap time flys.. Didn''t you just get married last week?

I know!! Time really flies! It seems only yesterday that I was joining the Anxious for the Ering thread with you, and now we''re both married ladies!

 

[JessesGrl]

Always kiss goodnight, never stay angry...

Right now I am approaching my 1yr anniversary and I would like to say I have been with my hubby since I was 18 (almost 7 years) and our first year of marriage has been the hardest. Money, in-laws, and the daily grind is a constant stressor. We are looking forward to buying our 1st house in 2007 (in an area where 300,000 will get you nadda) and this has been the CONSTANT source of our fights. At 25 and 26 how do you live when the average morgage payment is over 2,000 per month???? We are learning to work as a team and not be the enemy.....babies, morgages...Oh what lies ahead! how exciting...good luck to all

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/8/2006 6:07:17 PM
Author: JessesGrl
Always kiss goodnight, never stay angry...

Right now I am approaching my 1yr anniversary and I would like to say I have been with my hubby since I was 18 (almost 7 years) and our first year of marriage has been the hardest. Money, in-laws, and the daily grind is a constant stressor. We are looking forward to buying our 1st house in 2007 (in an area where 300,000 will get you nadda) and this has been the CONSTANT source of our fights. At 25 and 26 how do you live when the average morgage payment is over 2,000 per month???? We are learning to work as a team and not be the enemy.....babies, morgages...Oh what lies ahead! how exciting...good luck to all

This is so true! We recently went on a weekend trip to Carmel and my FI was so relaxed and totally goofy. I told him we need to go on vacation more often. It''s hard to come home after a day of work and be perky (I know some can do it, but not most people!) I met him while we were traveling, so we were both so carefree and happy...it was so nice to see that side of him come out full force on a little getaway.

What do you all do to add a bit of fresh air to the daily grind? For us, we love to go out for sush!


(BTW Jessesgrl, we are looking for a home and our mortgage budget is $3000 per month - about a 500K home. We can''t find anything!)

 

[AsscherGirl]

Fi & I have been living together for 10 months now - we got engaged 8 days after we closed on our townhouse, so we had a couple of months of "engagement bliss" before we started arguing about house stuff.

He wanted the house to be super, duper, anally clean & I am just a naturally messy person. I tend to leave a trail behind me and pick everything up all at once at a later date. I am notorious for leaving my clothes on the floor. The first couple of months, he would get on me all the time about picking up stuff & cleaning (even communal things like dishes, garbage, etc). We probably argued for a month straight until we both realized that neither of us was giving in at all. So now, I try to clean up after myself more often (I''m probably at about 80% now) & he tries to not get so upset if I don''t put my clothes away right away or leave papers out on the desk or something.

I totally agree that compromise does not always mean 50/50. It is impossible to split anything 50/50 without creating a major list & a major headache. It''s important though to speak up if you''re unhappy about something & work to compromise. Nothing is worse than something brewing for months & it exploding one day!

AmberGretchen - oddly money has never really been much of an issue for us. We make pretty much the same amount (which I''m sure helps a ton!), and we split all household expenses down the middle. Since we''re not married, we still have separate accounts, so any other money we have is ours to do what we please with. However, we have been dating for 7.5 years & we always shared our money & split things - we always said we were a "team"

 

[onedrop]

I am not married yet, or living with my boyfriend, but I wanted to thank you ALL for the advice! I have been reading this thread every time it gets bumped up.

Travelinggrl: you start such interesting topics, and your story seems to be eerily similar to mine.

Thanks all for sharing!!

 

[Mannequin]

FI and I have been officially living together since June and we''ve been making it work as well as one might expect.Thank you so much for all the great advice so far, PSers. This is fabulous stuff and I am taking away quite a bit from reading these tips.

I also want to add a tip here. Create your own rituals together, or continue the ones you had cultivated before cohabitating. It is so important that couples have their separate interests and friends, but there should be some treasured things that only exist in your relationship together. Having a date night on a regular basis, cooking a dish together, sharing an activity you both love, or having your own special gestures and code words would be rituals that couples can share. Ex: FI "re-engages" me every morning because I take my e-ring off to sleep, and we use silly pet names for each other.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/9/2006 9:56:07 AM
Author: onedrop
I am not married yet, or living with my boyfriend, but I wanted to thank you ALL for the advice! I have been reading this thread every time it gets bumped up.

Travelinggrl: you start such interesting topics, and your story seems to be eerily similar to mine.

Thanks all for sharing!!

Onedrop, do you have a thread with your story? I''m interested to read about it...

 

[Mara]

hehe all of your gals' advice is great. i totally agree re having to have more than one bathroom. much better harmony that way! also if possible, more than one closet so you don't have to share. saves untold arguments about 'how many clothes you have taking up space'...hehee. also i agree re compromise, big time. and do NOT keep score of what you do vs what they do. in the big picture it does not matter and 'fair' is relative. i definitely agree re: enjoying each other. that is really what it's all about in my opinion. the other stuff is all just the daily grind. i know they say never go to bed mad but sometimes that's inevitable because you may not be ready to get over it right before bed, but i do say don't sleep apart, don't go to the other room or whatever during a fight or sleep on the couch. stay together. usually by the next morning things look much rosier. try not to hold a grudge, it never gets you anywhere but into a fight. remember you are a team...so support each other, it's you two as your family unit.

also for me the most important thing to remember is that your mate is not perfect and neither are you. but you love each other anyway, imperfections and all. so focus on that when you see the dirty towel on the floor or dishes in the sink.

 

[onedrop]

Date: 9/9/2006 1:30:46 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/9/2006 9:56:07 AM
Author: onedrop
I am not married yet, or living with my boyfriend, but I wanted to thank you ALL for the advice! I have been reading this thread every time it gets bumped up.

Travelinggrl: you start such interesting topics, and your story seems to be eerily similar to mine.

Thanks all for sharing!!

Onedrop, do you have a thread with your story? I''m interested to read about it...

Travelingal: I actually don''t have a thread about my relationship. I guess I never thought it interesting enough(LOL). Thanks for asking though.

But it is similar to yours in that visas, international travel and the like are involved. Maybe one day I will get up enough courage to start a thread over on the LIW board. Stay tuned....

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/9/2006 3:08:09 PM
Author: onedrop

Date: 9/9/2006 1:30:46 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 9/9/2006 9:56:07 AM
Author: onedrop
I am not married yet, or living with my boyfriend, but I wanted to thank you ALL for the advice! I have been reading this thread every time it gets bumped up.

Travelinggrl: you start such interesting topics, and your story seems to be eerily similar to mine.

Thanks all for sharing!!

Onedrop, do you have a thread with your story? I''m interested to read about it...

Travelingal: I actually don''t have a thread about my relationship. I guess I never thought it interesting enough(LOL). Thanks for asking though.

But it is similar to yours in that visas, international travel and the like are involved. Maybe one day I will get up enough courage to start a thread over on the LIW board. Stay tuned....

Well, get on it then!

Inquiring minds wanna know.....................

 

[Pandora II]

Having lived with 3 different ex''s and now living with my bf of 2 years in a house that we actually own rather than rent, my advice:

Learn to compromise - we both have different tastes, I like house with antique furniture and that are comfortable but don''t all match. He likes ultra-modern looking like a magazine. Shopping now takes 3 times longer but we are both happy at the end.

A cleaning lady is a necessity not a luxury - we both work long hours and I don''t want to spend my free time cleaning. The lovely Irene appears once a week and our house ticks along looking fairly presentable. I polled my friends on this recently and only one didn''t have a cleaning lady - but did ours come out to her part of London?

Separate wardrobes ... as Mara says

I''m lucky that my bf and I don''t really ever argue, probably because he is great at communication and doesn''t pull the usual male silences my ex''s all had. He does need "man-cave" time and I have learnt to respect that and leave him alone - easier said than done sometimes.