Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Would this bother you?

M

Munchkin

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 3, 2004
Messages
540
Darn it! I had written a whole post and got distracted and moved away from the page!

I''m basically trying to find out if this is a) geographic and b) totally acceptable.

Since moving to my current state, I''ve been invited to multiple "Jack and Jill" events. In my home state, this was synonymous with a coed wedding shower. Here, it is synonymous with a fundraiser. The last evite I received for one literally read: "Come to Groom and Bride''s Jack and Jill Fundraiser." Basically, guests pay for an admission ticket ($25-ish) and then pay for drinks and participation in games, raffles, etc. during the evening. Proceeds go to the couple.

I KNOW I can be a tight ass. I know I am old fashioned with my handwritten, monogrammed thank you notes and cringing at the inclusion of registry information in a wedding invite. Further, I know that I should be thankful to be invited and it is my prerogative whether to attend.

I have never/will never insinuate that I am put off by these events when speaking to the couple as that would be rude. Underneath, though, I''m annoyed that when I fully plan to buy a shower gift (many of these couples also have a shower) and give $150-$300 (depending on relationship) as a wedding gift, I am expected to excitedly contribute to a fundraiser.

Oh, and one of the more recent invitations I''ve received, I''m not even being invited to the wedding! Apparently, the person throwing the party was overheard to have said she''s inviting as many people as possible to raise the most money.

In advance as I expect this will be asked, none of these couples have been very young and broke. The youngest was 26 and the groom clears 6 figures. The oldest couple is in their 40s and own a beautiful home together.

So, have at me ladies! Do I just have a pole up my butt, or would you be irked, also?
3.gif
 
I would be irked and disgusted. I''ve never been invited to such a "fundraiser," and if I were, I would think differently of the couple from that day forward, and probably not attend the wedding. Asking for handouts makes me sick. If they can''t afford a grand wedding, there''s nothing wrong with a backyard BBQ, otherwise delay the wedding and find ways to work for your own cash. Don''t let other guests fund your dream wedding. I find that very off-putting.
 
Wow, a personal fundraiser is tacky. Charging an entrance fee for a shower? Yikes! Inviting people to pre-wedding events when you know you''re not inviting them to the wedding is off the charts tacky and worth nothing more than a "congratulations on your engagement" card. These people should get reality checks and have a wedding within their means or have a longer engagement to enable time to save money. Sheesh. What will people think of next?
 
I''ve never heard of pre-wedding fundraiser "parties." My sentiments on the whole thing are similar to yours -- and I''d probably decline except in the case of the very closest of friends or family members (in which case I''d probably just cut a check and not attend...)
 
I have a couple friends from Canada who had fundraiser type parties but they were very common among their Canadian friends. I think if you don''t feel comfortable then you don''t have to go or contribute.. Just buy a wedding present. I think the general idea is that they are a young couple just starting off and need some help. I think it''s odd but I realize it''s common in certain locales. If you had a set amount you wanted to spend then either put some towards their fundraiser and some towards a gift or just all of it towards their gift. I wouldn''t go above my budget just because they were having a fundraiser though. As for the one who invited you but not to the wedding, um NO. That''s just rude and quite frankly that invite would have a first class ride to my trash can.
 
I''m Canadian and it''s not common in either of the provinces where I''ve lived. I''m with everyone else - even just the invitation to a pre-wedding party without an invitation to the wedding itself is beyond tacky. Calling such party a ''fundraiser'' is ridiculous.
 
Date: 5/16/2010 10:13:20 PM
Author: sparklyheart
I have a couple friends from Canada who had fundraiser type parties but they were very common among their Canadian friends. I think if you don''t feel comfortable then you don''t have to go or contribute.. Just buy a wedding present. I think the general idea is that they are a young couple just starting off and need some help. I think it''s odd but I realize it''s common in certain locales. If you had a set amount you wanted to spend then either put some towards their fundraiser and some towards a gift or just all of it towards their gift. I wouldn''t go above my budget just because they were having a fundraiser though. As for the one who invited you but not to the wedding, um NO. That''s just rude and quite frankly that invite would have a first class ride to my trash can.
Click to expand...


Yikes! I am Canadian born and raised and I have NEVER heard of these kinds of parties. Where I live in particular this kind of party woud not be accepted well either. I personally am disgusted at the thought of inviting guests to pay a fee in order to make a couple a small fortune!!!
38.gif
I share your opinion. I am fine with the idea of showers in order to set a couple up for their new life together and celebrate this exciting time in their life but a fundraiser? I understand that some couples go through hard times when first starting out on their own and times are tough, but that being said I find this kind of party rude and distasteful. However, if it is a custom or tradition that is practiced in a certain community than to each there own. When it comes down to it if I were invited I am not sure that I would attend and if I knew I was not being invited to the wedding I most certainly would not attend. In the end I would do what you are comfortable with, but I don''t blame you for being off put by this invitation.
 
I''m feeling better reading that my reaction isn''t uncalled for! I sometimes have to check my reactions because the environment in which I was raised doesn''t always correlate with what is "done" today.

Thus far I''ve come up with some sort of conflict/excuse to politely decline attending any of these fundraisers.

I would be more likely to take pity on a very young or financially struggling couple, but I would still prefer to simply be more generous with my gifts. I would also be very happy to give my time, IE address invites/escort cards, etc.

The woman throwing the party for the wedding I won''t be invited to also tried to convince FI and me to throw a similar fundraiser prior to our wedding. I was horrified. I think my mother would have disowned me. (She is SUPER old school!)
 
I live in Canada, and I have heard of these parties, and been invited to one (and know others that have been invited and attended some). My boyfriend went to one recently - it was an $80 entrance fee (yes! can you believe it?). He felt pressured into getting a ticket, and isn''t even invited to the wedding. They had an attendance of around 600 people, and you still had to pay for drinks and the games on top of that (but the entrance fee did give you a chance to win a raffle prize for tickets to las vegas, though i''m sure that was probably rigged! :P)

I''ve heard of others being a fun way for a couple to raise money for the wedding and create a nice event for people to attend, but I personally wouldn''t have one. If I have a party, it''s to celebrate with others (I would be throwing the party because I want people to celebrate with me, not so they can pay to celebrate with me).
 
I am Canadian - originally from Manitoba - it is also commonly known as the "Manitoba Social". I grew up with these sorts of events (and I am almost 31....so they have been going on a long time!). I think they were rather unique to that part of the world for a long time and they originated in my home province.

They are not advertised as bridal parties (Jack and Jills) though....they are called socials, pure and simple. You buy the ticket, drink the booze, and maybe buy some raffle tickets. Then you just dance and drink and socialize. They are more common with weddings...but people also hold them for raising charity money and such too.

They are not so common in other parts of Canada. I am in Alberta now and they don't happen here.

It is also not at all unusual to go to them and not be invited to the wedding. They are sort of seen as separate events. Often complete strangers show up just for the party. They buy the tickets from someone selling them. Usually it is $10 a ticket. Cash bar. Raffle tickets and door prizes. Lots of dancing and debauchery. At midnight they serve "Winnipeg Rye" bread and kielbasa and pickles.

I still find them tacky and have very rarely attended (and definitely did not have one!). I do think that people should have the wedding they can afford and not "raise funds" for their own wedding. But sometimes they do have some awesome prizes (i.e. trips).

So, I would not be irked to be invited as I have grown up around them. And been to a few where I was not part of the wedding party. Though I did go to one that was the social/weddings all in one (my uncle was remarrying and they said the vows during a break in the party)! But that does not mean I would always attend. If I was close to the couple I would. But I would go into it with the attitude it is a fun party and not connect it much with the wedding.

From what I hear, usually the couple only breaks even anyway. I think where I grew up most did it more for the party aspect. Given there is 6-7 months a winter people like an excuse to gather indoors in a warm place and socialize.
 
I am from Montreal Quebec, and I have NEVER heard of this. I was ACTUALLY totally shocked and offended by the implication that this was attributed to Canadians before Carolina enlightened me....
6.gif


Now that I''ve settled down...this seems so strange to me. I mean I''ve heard of wedding where you pay your way (i.e this couple had it at the Ritz Carlton..and it was like 75$ a ticket..and they didn''t have enough food) Every person, I talked to was completely baffled by that. It was the norm or anything, just a couple that wanted their dream wedding and couldn''t afford it. I''ve heard of 1-2 weddings where the bride solicited sponsors which would be prominently displayed on program/invitations. That was also kind of weird. But never *fundraiser* However, that being said, the way RaiKai explains it makes more sense. Don''t advertise it as anything related, organize a party at a club/hall, and keep the money for your wedding (or whatever else you want). Then I see it as a *money-making* proposition and nothing to do with wedding whatsoever.

I guess acceptability for me ALL depends on how you *market* the event
2.gif
 
There have been a gazillion threads on this topic.

Yes, they seem to be most common in Canada, but we should probably remember that Canada is a BIG country and not all Canadians do the same thing, celebrate the same customs, etc. In one of the many threads someone linked to Wikipedia where Jack & Jills / Stag & Does were stated to be common in Southwestern Ontario. Typically, the smaller the town, the more common the event.

My FI grew up in a really small town in ON and he went to Jack & Jills every weekend in high school. Many of our friends have thrown Jack & Jills as well. They have NEVER EVER been advertised as a fundraising event though (which, I think, makes the OP''s situation scream ''money grab''). While the ultimate goal is to ''raise money,'' the event is also a great way to celebrate a couple and to bring a community together. I can assure you that the thousands of people that embrace this pre-wedding ritual do not consider it disgusting, tacky or rude.

Also, for the Jack & Jills that charge $80+, I believe they usually involve a seated meal and an open bar for the night. I''ve never attended such an event but that''s what I''ve heard.

FWIW, we live in SW Ontario and did not throw a Jack & Jill. FI wanted to because it''s part of his youth but I wanted nothing to do with it. I have no problem attending these events and celebrating with the couples. I don''t necessarily support the whole idea but I''m also not going to knock what''s obviously a well-meaning community tradition.
 
Interesting...at first I was pretty appalled, but not as much after reading RaiKai''s post.
 
So it definitely seems as though there are geographic areas in which this is a cultural tradition. That answers question 1!

I am surprised to encounter such a cultural shift from Massachusetts to Connecticut, though.
 
Date: 5/18/2010 6:02:54 PM
Author: Munchkin
So it definitely seems as though there are geographic areas in which this is a cultural tradition. That answers question 1!


I am surprised to encounter such a cultural shift from Massachusetts to Connecticut, though.
Click to expand...

Yes, I think it is much like how the money-dance is a tradition in some areas, and people may become "used" to something that would be seen as tacky somewhere else. As I said, I grew up with them, and they were held all across my province - small towns, rural areas, the big cities. Then I go outside the province and no one knows what they are. I have always considered them somewhat tacky even though I grew up with them and have attended them, so I can understand other people responding to them as such! And again, I definitely did not have or want one!

The province I grew up is a rather socialist province so I think this is where that attitude comes from - founded on people without very much (i.e. immigrant farmers) and still a "have-not" province - and it seems these sorts of things are a common-thread. An idea of coming together to support others financially and so on. Farmers banding together to bring in a sick farmers crop, a community raising money for a new couple, these sorts of things. There are "social classes" there for sure. Not as marked as in other places. People tend to not really flaunt their social class if they ARE wealthy really. Those who have money tend to be rather subtle about it. It's just not that kind of place. It is really hard to describe unless you have lived there for a long period of time but people don't seem to think much about asking for help or think of it as classless and so on. It is also common to put "presentation" on an invite as an indication a couple wants money as gifts (this was discussed in another thread recently). Again, I think it is tacky and not something *I* did or advocate doing, but I don't really bat an eye when I see it as I have seen it so much growing up. It is almost expected that a couple will have a social in fact. My half-sister is getting married this summer and they just had a social a month ago. I know the above sort of romanticizes what is often considered tacky in other places...but I think a lot of it really has to do with the historical and social context of where I grew up.

Of course, this is just where I think the tolerance or roots for this kind of thing come from in MY former home, not sure how it is in other places!
 
Date: 5/18/2010 5:12:26 PM
Author: IndyLady
Interesting...at first I was pretty appalled, but not as much after reading RaiKai's post.
Click to expand...
I had the same experience as Indy.

I've never heard of these before, but I'm from a crumbly old social circle in the Midwest. We send out engraved invitations and kids get cut off from presents for life if they neglect to hand write a thank you card just once. We're a tough, unforgiving crowd. I think throwing one of these parties would be enough to get you BANISHED FOREVER!
9.gif
2.gif


That being said, if I knew it was a time-honored tradition for the couple's family, I would happily attend one of these parties. But, I'm a sucker for a good party. If it really is a social, then I'm there! It's all these showers where I get stuck sitting at a table with my friends' distant relatives forced to play silly games that I politely decline.
 
hey munchkin,
I''m from canada, and here this is an extremely common thing. I personally never judge people by it, but also wouldn''t feel comfortable having one leading up to my own wedding. Im extremely old fashioned as well, and completely believe that if fi and i can not afford our wedding out of our own pockets, with no contributions, we have not earned it, and should scale back accordingly.
Again, that is personal opinion and I dont mean to offend anyone who''s parents are contributing, or who are having events like this, I''m just really uptight as well
3.gif
and i would hate, at the end of the day, for people to think we had taken advantage of them, or that we were living beyond our means. Its very important to me that we do it all ourselves
 
now, having read all the responses, I should note where in canada I''m from, so as not to offend the other canadians here
12.gif

Im from toronto. and all of my family and friends who have gotten married have had a similar party. Jack and Jill, Buck and Doe. where theres an enterance fee (usually only like $10-$20) and they''re a ton of fun. I''ve never not enjoyed one, its just not for me
1.gif
 
I am from Toronto and have never been invited to a fund raising Jack and Jill. I have been invited to many many weddings and showers though.

Really doubt this has anything to do with being Canadian.
 
I really think this is a regional thing. I grew up in a small town in northern Ontario and EVERYBODY has a "Stag and Doe" as its called. I am recently engaged and people are calling me and asking me when I''m going to have mine. I''m not having one by the way, because I feel that my fiance and I can just plan a wedding that we can afford, rather than asking others to pay for it.

I now live in Toronto and have not been invited to a similar party here. I don''t think people tend to have them here.

I feel bad for bashing my hometown, but I really feel that a fundraiser for a wedding is a tacky thing. The difference between this and money dance is that I believe you choose the amount you want to give with a money dance. I''ve heard of stag and does where the couple charges over $50 to attend. The games and drinks always cost extra. There is usually a door prize and prizes for the games, but I''m sure many couples make more than enough to pay for a wedding in one night. I''ve been invited to several stag and does where I don''t know the couple. A few months ago I tried to go to a wine bar with friends and they were charging a $25 cover. When I asked why, they said that the bar was rented out for a stag and doe, but they''d welcome donations from anyone. Um no...I''m not going to pay for some random people''s wedding.

I know one couple who had two of these parties, a bridal shower, and a bachelor/bachelorette party. They also specified that they only wanted cash gifts at their wedding and listed what they felt would be an appopriate amount (gag). In the end they actually made money on their wedding. I know that many people give money and are quite generous, but this couple made more than the groom''s annual salary. He''s an engineer, so I''m guessing that''s quite bit of cash. They were bragging about it after the fact.

Actually, I thnk that particular couple really killed the concept for me.

I guess I can understand a couple having one of these pareties if they need financial help in order to afford basic wedding. If th couple is financially secure and just want a larger budget/downpayment on a house, I''m not going to help them.
 
I think it''s a really region specific thing. That said, I would not attend (and certainly wouldn''t attend the Jack and Jill party when I''m not invited to the wedding). The idea of it offends me - you pay cash for what you can afford and don''t make apologies for it. I don''t want to pay to go to one party to essentially pay my way into another. Not my thing.

I wouldn''t say anything about it, though. I''d just decline the invitation.
 
I totally agree they are tacky when seen purely from an objective standpoint. But they are a very regional thing and they are not always seen from the perspective of raising money in all of these particular regions - so there is a very strong subjective element to it too. I am not trying to defend the wedding social (like I said they are not for me and I never was inclined to have one)...but I am trying to say in some of these regions it is no different than having a bridal shower or something similar. Where I am from I have never seen them for more than $10/$15 a ticket and of course buying anything else is purely optional. Anyone I have gone to, the couple holds it more for the party aspect, barely breaks even on the event (after rental fees, DJ, buying liquour license, paying bartenders, buying alcohol and so on), and tends to have a pretty low-scale wedding. These aren't people who are driving BMW's around and having platinum weddings! Obviously this is not the case for everyone - as some posters have indicated here - but that is my own experience.

So, while I still can objectively say they are TACKY, I do think context is important. In an objective view, I see pretty much see lots of of these parties or traditions (like money dances) as tacky but subjectively I know that there are regional influences and family traditions and so on that make it a bit more subjective. Heck, I don't even like the concept of bridal showers and the like in this day and age for my own personal reasons...but I also get that they are very traditional for many families and so on and for some people essential to the whole experience!

Anyway, there is no obligation to buy a ticket and go, just as there is no obligation to accept a wedding invitation, or to buy a wedding gift whether you go or not. So, if you are not comfortable with it - absolutely decline (or don't buy a ticket - here it is never really a formal invite, more just like a "we are having a social, you can buy tickets from Cousin Bob and so and so if you want"). No need to say why!
 
I''ve never heard of such a thing. I would be irked, and probably would not attend.

For poor college students I would just think it was a bad judgement call.

For more established couples I would think it was beyond tacky.

So interesting that it seems to be a regional thing.

ETA_I come from a region where the money dance is quite popular. It think it is completely tacky and basically told the DJ he would not be paid if he played that under any circumstances
3.gif
 
I''ve never heard of this either, and it does strike me as tacky. And, as Raikai pointed out, I don''t see how the couple could really receive that much after having to pay for the event. So maybe the emphasis isn''t really on raising money, it''s more of a social thing? I just can''t really relate to this kind of function, being so unfamiliar with it. But I get that it is an accepted practice in some regions. Very interesting!
 
Im use to things like this because Greek men have stag parties, which are pretty much fundraisers for the wedding. It sounds very similar to what you are describing, but the cost of the ticket (normally around $30) includes dinner and drinks. The money mainly comes from card games and raffles. A LOT of money is normally made - thousands! I think the way your friend presented it is tacky and it could have been done in a more tasteful way.
 
Sadly, those are common here in Ontario, Canada where I live. And very often you aren't even invited to the wedding. Personally, I find the whole event tacky. It's usually at a crappy basement with crappy food and crappy games. It screams low-class to me.

I just don't attend. Send your regrets and move on.

ETA: Just read all the interesting Canadian posts above! I'm in Toronto, and I don't find it as much from people living in and around downtown. Most of these are people living in the Greater Toronto Area and beyond. And the invites are through facebook! None of the ones I've invited to are by close friends, thankfully. Blech.
 
It''s not something I would do, nor would my group of friends. That said, what I find truly tacky about the situation is not only that the couple is having the fundraiser, but that they have also registered for gifts - meaning they expect guests to do both! If it was JUST the fundraiser, no registry, request for no gifts, etc. - maybe it''s ok. I''d give them the benefit of the doubt and just attribute it as a regional thing. But really, both?? THAT is tacky, IMO.
 
I just wanted to come back and say after reading all of these other threads that I have learned a lot! It is clearly a regional thing and after reading RaiKai''s post I can now see it from a different point of view. Although I still stand behind my feelings of a fundraiser, I can now totally see why a community would want to attend a social, It actually sounds fun. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with my original post, that was not my intent at all and thank you to the others who explained what these events were. I am from Saskatchewan and we don''t have anything like that around where I live.
 
What interesting traditions! I like the idea of a community coming together to support the couple.

I''m from BC, and as far as I know both Socials and Money dances just aren''t practiced either in the lower mainland or the interior.
I have heard of girls in smaller, more isolated communities buying white grad dresses so the can re-use them later in the summer as wedding dresses
6.gif


In my area people are more likely to scale back the wedding to fit the budget. More and more couples are paying for their own weddings - so lately I''ve seen a trend to smaller weddings in general.
 
I''m in the US and my husband and I had a "Jack and Jill" wedding shower, but it wasn''t like anything being described here! Basically the men got a gift for my husband and the ladies got a gift for me. We had it at my husband''s parent''s house, made our own food and offered beer/beverages to the guests. There was no cover charge, games or raffles and everyone that was invited to that was also invited to our wedding.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top