Would you buy a house with your BF?

[MonkeysInk]

I wouldn''t...I have a small child and I really don''t want to live with someone without being married. I felt the same way before I married my now-ex - it didn''t change just because I have a child.

 

[Aloros]

Nope. I''m planning on buying a house with my FI, but even then we''re going to draw up a contract. I just think it''s so important to protect yourself. And why would you make a commitment to a 30-year mortgage before making a commitment to your partner? It just seems so risky to me.

I made it clear to my FI that we were not going to buy a house together until we were at least engaged.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh heck no. I sweated bullets when TGuy bought a fridge and a TV together pre-engagement. I''m way too old fashioned.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Since my girlfriend and I are a same sex couple and cannot be legally married, I guess at some point we''ll kind of HAVE to buy a house without being married. I doubt we will formally be able to afford a house before we get engaged anyways, so I guess we wouldn''t do it before that point, and would be a non-issue.

It always makes me feel sad and worried when I see so many responses to the effect of "not until we''re married because it''s too messy and complicated otherwise". It makes me worry so much about what kind of protection we''ll have in the case of something negative happening in our lives. I guess it''s something we''ll have to try to settle through contracts of some other sort, but I''m afraid it''s going to be complicated.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 1/28/2008 1:00:58 AM
Author: WishfulThinking
Since my girlfriend and I are a same sex couple and cannot be legally married, I guess at some point we''ll kind of HAVE to buy a house without being married. I doubt we will formally be able to afford a house before we get engaged anyways, so I guess we wouldn''t do it before that point, and would be a non-issue.

It always makes me feel sad and worried when I see so many responses to the effect of ''not until we''re married because it''s too messy and complicated otherwise''. It makes me worry so much about what kind of protection we''ll have in the case of something negative happening in our lives. I guess it''s something we''ll have to try to settle through contracts of some other sort, but I''m afraid it''s going to be complicated.

I assume that you live somewhere where same sex marriages are not legal... I live in Quebec, Canada, where they are legal, and seeing that some people don''t have the same rights as others saddens and angers me. Good luck in building a life together where you have the same protection and benefits as everyone else. Seeing a lawyer and drafting up some kind of "marital" contract might be your best bet.

 

[Efe]

Date: 1/28/2008 1:00:58 AM
Author: WishfulThinking
Since my girlfriend and I are a same sex couple and cannot be legally married, I guess at some point we''ll kind of HAVE to buy a house without being married. I doubt we will formally be able to afford a house before we get engaged anyways, so I guess we wouldn''t do it before that point, and would be a non-issue.

It always makes me feel sad and worried when I see so many responses to the effect of ''not until we''re married because it''s too messy and complicated otherwise''. It makes me worry so much about what kind of protection we''ll have in the case of something negative happening in our lives. I guess it''s something we''ll have to try to settle through contracts of some other sort, but I''m afraid it''s going to be complicated.

You should check out the Human Rights Campaign website, hrc.org. It lists legal rights and requirements by state for same sex couples.

 

[orangemonster]

Date: 1/25/2008 9:16:08 PM
Author: misscuppycake
Something I DEFINITELY want to save for marriage is moving in together. That''s always been something that''s been instilled in me and I like it.

ITA - After we got married and were on our honeymoon, there was no let down coming home because I knew I was starting a whole new life with my hubby and it was exciting to me! Going home together from the airport, knowing he was my husband was an awesome feeling. That being said, I have no judgment against those who choose to live with each other before marriage... to each their own and whatever works!

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 1/28/2008 8:39:16 AM
Author: anchor31

Date: 1/28/2008 1:00:58 AM

Author: WishfulThinking

Since my girlfriend and I are a same sex couple and cannot be legally married, I guess at some point we''ll kind of HAVE to buy a house without being married. I doubt we will formally be able to afford a house before we get engaged anyways, so I guess we wouldn''t do it before that point, and would be a non-issue.


It always makes me feel sad and worried when I see so many responses to the effect of ''not until we''re married because it''s too messy and complicated otherwise''. It makes me worry so much about what kind of protection we''ll have in the case of something negative happening in our lives. I guess it''s something we''ll have to try to settle through contracts of some other sort, but I''m afraid it''s going to be complicated.

I assume that you live somewhere where same sex marriages are not legal... I live in Quebec, Canada, where they are legal, and seeing that some people don''t have the same rights as others saddens and angers me. Good luck in building a life together where you have the same protection and benefits as everyone else. Seeing a lawyer and drafting up some kind of ''marital'' contract might be your best bet.

Thanks for your kind words. We currently attend school in MA, where I am a resident and she is not, so we cannot get legally married. Unfortunately, we are moving across the country after graduation and won''t have the option there, either. Canada is so progressive and lovely in this sense, and many others. Honestly, moving to Canada is something we''ve been considering and probably will still consider as we get older.

We definitely plan to do everything we can to ensure that we draft legal contracts [and both plan on attending law school, so hopefully we''ll find some people "in the know"!] but worry because they''re not always as strong as those available through a marriage contract. I guess this just means we''ll have that much more to do as lawyers focusing on civil rights.

BizouMom- Thanks for the link. I do volunteer work for HRC in my area, and they''re wonderful! It''s sad to see the lack of benefits in some [most] states, though. What so many gay Americans are up against feels so daunting at times.

Thanks again.

 

[beebrisk]

I didn't respond to the poll, because there was no option for : Hellllll Noooooooooo!

Seriously, I'm from the "old school" and believe no woman should sign a mortgage with a man you're not married to. It just has the potential to get way too ugly.

 

[hazel_eyes]

Yes, I would buy a house with my BF. I actually did....but we''re going out years, and he moved into the house I used to own for a whole year before we took the plunge and bought our own place together. We had discussed marriage beforehand though...and we got an agreement drawn up by our lawyer saying what would happen in the case where one of us wanted out for whatever reason, before we''re married. We both insisted on this.
Move in in December 2006 and were engaged in August 2007. No problems thus far

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/28/2008 1:00:58 AM
Author: WishfulThinking

Since my girlfriend and I are a same sex couple and cannot be legally married, I guess at some point we'll kind of HAVE to buy a house without being married. I doubt we will formally be able to afford a house before we get engaged anyways, so I guess we wouldn't do it before that point, and would be a non-issue.

It always makes me feel sad and worried when I see so many responses to the effect of 'not until we're married because it's too messy and complicated otherwise'. It makes me worry so much about what kind of protection we'll have in the case of something negative happening in our lives. I guess it's something we'll have to try to settle through contracts of some other sort, but I'm afraid it's going to be complicated.

You'd posted that you're from MA, where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2004. And I don't believe that both parties have to be legal residents anymore, either. You might want to check that point. I read in my local paper that a couple from a few towns over from me went to MA to get married, so it may have changed.

I would suggest looking into what your area offers to see what is open to you with regard to domestic partnerships and things like that. If your area has a GLBT resource, they might also point you in the direction of lawyers or legal professionals who can offer more specific advice. It's probably not as complicated as you might think. A domestic partnership will allow you to protect your legal interests while setting up your life with your girlfriend. And, to your point above, for opposite-sex couples, the same option exists. I think a lot of us say what we say (me included) as to "not until I'm married" because that's our hope/goal/intention. But I'm sure there are others out there that plan a life with someone and have no intention to get married, but are worried about protecting assets/children/each other - like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They've stated that they have no plans to officially marry until and unless that legal right is offered to ALL people. They HAVE to have something in place to protect their individual assets and children. I don't follow celebs other than casually -- so does anyone know the details of their arrangement and is willing to share?

[I personally think that it's BS in this day and age that same-sex marriage is not allowed across the board. I used to work with a woman who'd been with her partner for 25 years --- which is longer than many marriages --- and I could not understand why they couldn't get "legally" married. It's wrong to me. It's hard enough to find love in this world -- why put restrictions on what package that love should come in before people are allowed to celebrate it?]

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[ambeauk]

Yes! My SO and I bought a house together in 2006. But, I wouldln''t advise everyone to do it. We''ve been together nearly 4 years now and are planning on getting married in 2009. We''re not engaged at the moment "officially" because with the mortgage payments and everything else that comes with a house, the ring has been a slow, though steady process.

But, we''ve known, absolutely, that we want to stay together for the long haul since very early on...so we felt with the falling home prices, etc. it was the best time for us. And almost 2 years later, we''re still really happy with our purchase. For unstable relationships and even semi-stable ones though-I can imagine it would be disaterous. I mean the list of "things" that come up with home ownership--especially if you''ve never owned before are monsterous!! There have been trying times but overall it''s been great for us.

 

[Angel7]

I voted yes because I did buy a house with BF. We've been dating for about 5 years (known each other for about 13) and last September we bought a house. I know many (like my family) frowned on this as we are "living in sin" but I don't feel that way. We will get married eventually. Love my new house (could do without the messy bf though).

Hee hee, just kidding. It was a large adjustment but I would do it again...

I'm not a fool and neither is he. We both are sure that we are protected financially is something were to go wrong. I think it's important to keep your head clear and look out for each others best interests.

Married or dating..if it ends...loss is happening regardless. Either route, it's important to be smart and protect yourselves financially.

Why should I "depend" on a husband to buy me a house. I think it's great that I could do it with bf at and see it as what it is, an investment and not a big question or our "commitment" to each other....

 

[Steel]

There is no right or wrong answer...

Her is my view; I bought with DH when we were engaged. I would not do it again or recommend it while we worked out and got married it might not have worked out that.

I would advise as follows...

1. Why should he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free?
Yeah, I know it is topical! I would be weary of moving in together if I wanted to be married.

2. Lots of marriages end in divorce, even more relationships never make it to marriage.
Breaking up is hard to go and it gets nasty when assets are involved.

0.02

 

[zhuzhu]

I am recently engaged, but if I were not, for THIS particular person I would not mind purchase a big price item with. With some past boyfriend whom I have dated for longer time though, I would NEVER even lend or barrow money with, simply because they are just not "with it" financially.

It differs from person to person I think. Luckily I am with someone who is just as responsible as I am.

 

[zoebartlett]

It''s funny, I used to say that I would never buy a house with someone unless we were married. I just thought it was too risky. I changed my mind though and waited until my FI and I were at a place where it was only a matter of time before we were going to get engaged. We signed a contract which a family friend, a lawyer, drew up. I would highly recommend that. At least get something in writing to protect yourself if something ever happened and you needed to sell your house. Just be smart about it. I''m glad we did that, and in the end, I''m glad we bought our condo when we did. We''ve lived here for 2 years, and it''s good to know that our monthly mortgage payments are going towards something we own, rather than monthly rent, which would be going to someone else.

 

[absolut_blonde]

I think I might have changed my mind on this topic, after hearing that SO and I have differing timelines in mind (a difference of about one year). I was going to move in with him next Jan but now... I might ask him what he thinks about getting a roommate instead.

I don''t want to live with someone for an extended period of time (which in my book is 1 year+) without a formal commitment and it doesn''t sound like that will be happening soon enough for us to build the house together. I''m disappointed, but I know you can''t rush someone if they aren''t on the same page. I just hope it doesn''t come across as me being pushy-- I''ve always felt that I didn''t want to live together til engaged or close to it, so it''s not an attempt to speed that up on his part. I just don''t want to end up in a position where we''re living together and I feel things have stagnated.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 1/29/2008 2:59:01 PM
Author: sandia_rose

Date: 1/28/2008 1:00:58 AM

Author: WishfulThinking


Since my girlfriend and I are a same sex couple and cannot be legally married, I guess at some point we''ll kind of HAVE to buy a house without being married. I doubt we will formally be able to afford a house before we get engaged anyways, so I guess we wouldn''t do it before that point, and would be a non-issue.


It always makes me feel sad and worried when I see so many responses to the effect of ''not until we''re married because it''s too messy and complicated otherwise''. It makes me worry so much about what kind of protection we''ll have in the case of something negative happening in our lives. I guess it''s something we''ll have to try to settle through contracts of some other sort, but I''m afraid it''s going to be complicated.

You''d posted that you''re from MA, where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2004. And I don''t believe that both parties have to be legal residents anymore, either. You might want to check that point. I read in my local paper that a couple from a few towns over from me went to MA to get married, so it may have changed.


I would suggest looking into what your area offers to see what is open to you with regard to domestic partnerships and things like that. If your area has a GLBT resource, they might also point you in the direction of lawyers or legal professionals who can offer more specific advice. It''s probably not as complicated as you might think. A domestic partnership will allow you to protect your legal interests while setting up your life with your girlfriend. And, to your point above, for opposite-sex couples, the same option exists. I think a lot of us say what we say (me included) as to ''not until I''m married'' because that''s our hope/goal/intention. But I''m sure there are others out there that plan a life with someone and have no intention to get married, but are worried about protecting assets/children/each other - like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They''ve stated that they have no plans to officially marry until and unless that legal right is offered to ALL people. They HAVE to have something in place to protect their individual assets and children. I don''t follow celebs other than casually -- so does anyone know the details of their arrangement and is willing to share?


[I personally think that it''s BS in this day and age that same-sex marriage is not allowed across the board. I used to work with a woman who''d been with her partner for 25 years --- which is longer than many marriages --- and I could not understand why they couldn''t get ''legally'' married. It''s wrong to me. It''s hard enough to find love in this world -- why put restrictions on what package that love should come in before people are allowed to celebrate it?]


Bridget in Connecticut.

Hello Bridget,

Unfortunately, the MA residency requirement is still in place. Even if it weren''t, it wouldn''t do us much good because we cannot reside in MA long-term and same sex marriages are not recognized outside of MA [except in RI and I think NM, but it''s still complicated]. You can go to MA to get married, I suppose, but if you don''t have residency and cannot prove intent to reside, you will either not be allowed to get married, or your marriage will essentially be nullified, as if it had never happened [since you''re fudging on the rules].

As law students we''re very involved in LGBT law in our area, and are actually specializing in it. It''s very slim pickings where we will be settling down-- no domestic partnerships, no civil unions, no arrangements of any sort outside of what one can create through independent legal contracts. We''re also not legally allowed to adopt children and 2nd party adoptions are a toss-up, to say the least.
It is still very complicated, since there are 1138 different things that should be considered when trying to independently draft a marriage-like contract with another person.

It''s going to be a looooong road. Thanks for your comment and nice words. I just wish it was as simple as most people imagine it would be.

 

[tberube]

I''ve bought two houses on record, and can see the issue in both lights.

My first home was with my ex boyfriend. We were not engaged, and he really wanted to buy. We made an "unofficial" "plan" to buy the house first, then get married shortly thereafter. Well, it only took two months in the new house to see that he only said he''d marry me so I would buy the house with him - and he had no intentions of even looking at engagement rings. So I left him, and the house.

I just bought my second home with my current companion. He and I are engaged to be married, as was part of our OFFICIAL plan to take the steps toward marriage before buying. With FI I probably didn''t need to take that precaution, but I was jilted by my earlier experience (or mistake), and he understood why.

 

[Diamond Confused]

I think the smartest thing is to wait till you get married but being engaged is good enough. There needs to be a very strong committment to take on a financial responsability of that magnitude.

If you break up, trying to divide assets can get messy.

 

[LegacyGirl]

Date: 2/3/2008 10:24:32 PM
Author: WishfulThinking

Date: 1/29/2008 2:59:01 PM
Author: sandia_rose

Date: 1/28/2008 1:00:58 AM

Author: WishfulThinking


Since my girlfriend and I are a same sex couple and cannot be legally married, I guess at some point we''ll kind of HAVE to buy a house without being married. I doubt we will formally be able to afford a house before we get engaged anyways, so I guess we wouldn''t do it before that point, and would be a non-issue.


It always makes me feel sad and worried when I see so many responses to the effect of ''not until we''re married because it''s too messy and complicated otherwise''. It makes me worry so much about what kind of protection we''ll have in the case of something negative happening in our lives. I guess it''s something we''ll have to try to settle through contracts of some other sort, but I''m afraid it''s going to be complicated.

You''d posted that you''re from MA, where same-sex marriage has been legal since 2004. And I don''t believe that both parties have to be legal residents anymore, either. You might want to check that point. I read in my local paper that a couple from a few towns over from me went to MA to get married, so it may have changed.


I would suggest looking into what your area offers to see what is open to you with regard to domestic partnerships and things like that. If your area has a GLBT resource, they might also point you in the direction of lawyers or legal professionals who can offer more specific advice. It''s probably not as complicated as you might think. A domestic partnership will allow you to protect your legal interests while setting up your life with your girlfriend. And, to your point above, for opposite-sex couples, the same option exists. I think a lot of us say what we say (me included) as to ''not until I''m married'' because that''s our hope/goal/intention. But I''m sure there are others out there that plan a life with someone and have no intention to get married, but are worried about protecting assets/children/each other - like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. They''ve stated that they have no plans to officially marry until and unless that legal right is offered to ALL people. They HAVE to have something in place to protect their individual assets and children. I don''t follow celebs other than casually -- so does anyone know the details of their arrangement and is willing to share?


[I personally think that it''s BS in this day and age that same-sex marriage is not allowed across the board. I used to work with a woman who''d been with her partner for 25 years --- which is longer than many marriages --- and I could not understand why they couldn''t get ''legally'' married. It''s wrong to me. It''s hard enough to find love in this world -- why put restrictions on what package that love should come in before people are allowed to celebrate it?]


Bridget in Connecticut.

Hello Bridget,

Unfortunately, the MA residency requirement is still in place. Even if it weren''t, it wouldn''t do us much good because we cannot reside in MA long-term and same sex marriages are not recognized outside of MA [except in RI and I think NM, but it''s still complicated]. You can go to MA to get married, I suppose, but if you don''t have residency and cannot prove intent to reside, you will either not be allowed to get married, or your marriage will essentially be nullified, as if it had never happened [since you''re fudging on the rules].

As law students we''re very involved in LGBT law in our area, and are actually specializing in it. It''s very slim pickings where we will be settling down-- no domestic partnerships, no civil unions, no arrangements of any sort outside of what one can create through independent legal contracts. We''re also not legally allowed to adopt children and 2nd party adoptions are a toss-up, to say the least.
It is still very complicated, since there are 1138 different things that should be considered when trying to independently draft a marriage-like contract with another person.

It''s going to be a looooong road. Thanks for your comment and nice words. I just wish it was as simple as most people imagine it would be.

In a way I am glad you both are law students as you will learn what exactly your options are and will understand the process so much better. When you two are ready find yourselves a good lawyer who handles these sorts of things where you plan to move. Contact a good LGBT group in the state and they should help you. Where I practice both homosexual marriage and adoption is illegal and we are usually able to come up with some pretty good solutions for people in similar situations.

To the poster above who said it was BS and wonders why they don''t allow gay marriage- I can''t speak for every state but I know in my state it is to prevent gay adoption... but that it the south for you

It''s bascially written into our statutes like that if you know how to read between the lines and find the legislative intent.

Good luck!!! HUGS!!! I can''t imagine how hard this is. I have several friends who go through the same thing and to see the pain on their faces just kills me.

 

[baby monster]

I think it''s actually better to buy a house as an unmarried couple. Each person puts down their money, obtains their own financing and has their ownership share specified on a deed. The couple would have to sign cohabitation agreements to memorialize the details of sharing expenses, any gains/proceeds on sale. That way each person is not responsible for other person''s debts and doesn''t have to lose their money as DiamanteBlu''s story shows.

In a way, I think gay couples are in a better position when it comes to buying property. They''re forced to really examine the financial and legal aspects of a relationship going sour when they buy a house. Many married couples don''t wish to think about divorce when buying a house but it''s an important consideration. A lot of marriages end in divorces, which turn really nasty when couples begin to fight about who contributed what and how to split it now.