Amzizzle
Shiny_Rock
- Joined
- Jul 17, 2008
- Messages
- 476
Date: 5/13/2010 3:45:35 PM
Author: Haven
Amzizzle--I totally understand that this person rubbed you the wrong way when she called herself a ''wife'' even though she is extremely vocal about her anti-marriage views. I''m not going to pretend that if I knew someone like this IRL it wouldn''t bother me.
Also--why question ANY relationship, ever? It''s not really anyone''s business, is it?
HOWEVER, the point I was trying to make is this:
- Just as you are entitled to your own beliefs about marriage, she is entitled to hers. AND, she is entitled to define her relationship to her partner in any way she chooses, REGARDLESS of whether or not that definition offends your sense of what a ''wife'' is or not.
AND
- There is nothing beneficial to be had from taking inventory of someone else''s relationship or life or choices. Nothing at all.
On a more general note, my husband has taught me a very important life lesson that I want to share here. When people are obviously struggling with something, try to check your initial reaction and respond with compassion rather than defensiveness and judgment.
In this case this person is struggling with her beliefs about the institution of marriage and how her relationship fits in with them. Part of her struggle is stating controversial beliefs about marriage that happen to rub you the wrong way. This is so normal--think of teenagers who ''try on'' different subversive lifestyles as a means of finding where they fit in the world. They are annoying and they often act out in ways that are puzzling to people around them, but it all comes from the fact that they''re trying to figure something out for themselves. We do this as adults, too. At least, I know I''ve acted a bit over the top when trying to figure out certain aspects of my life and where my beliefs truly fit and lie.
Instead of responding by thinking: ''Wow, she''s obviously confused and doesn''t know what she wants, I hope she figures it out. I wonder what I can do to help?'' Your response is ''Wow, she''s saying all of these things about marriage and I don''t agree with them. She is so totally NOT a wife, I can''t believe she''d say that. I''m so insulted, she has belittled my marriage.''
A little compassion for people who are going through an inner struggle, as she obviously is, will go a long way to help you *not* take her struggle personally.
I know this is easier said than done. But I do honestly try very hard to check myself whenever my response to someone is to become defensive. So often that defensiveness is totally unfounded.
It''s really not about you, or your marriage, or your role as a wife. It''s about her and her struggle to figure out what she wants regarding all of these things. So worrying about what she said and questioning her relationship isn''t going to help anything. It only makes you look kind of unfriendly for taking inventory of someone else''s life. If these people are your friends, treat them with compassion. And if they''re not your friends, I''d tell her to shut the h*ll up--you don''t need to hear all that BS from someone you don''t even care about!
In other news, I think the whole ''role'' game is very bizarre and I would have been at a loss of what to say altogether.
I would like to apologize for coming off as catty and judgmental, I think you are very much right about her struggle,and that she is lost a bit.
In reference to my relationship with the girl,if any of you had read an old post of mine she is the girl who was my maid of honor,lied about the reasons she was quitting,and then bragged about it behind my back about what a pushover I was. She is still an acquaintance and may one day again be a close friend,but as for now I''m keeping my distance.
I admit this may also be the reason for my posts coming off a bit harsh.I don''t mean them to,it''s just the momentary feelings I have for her. This thread has actually been quite cathartic for me though.So thank you to everyone keeping me in check a little bit,as well as all the responses with different views it''s always great to hear different opinions.We can learn from them.
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