Would you want to know...

[MamaBee]

I would want to know..but I wouldn’t say anything to just anyone..I hesitate about telling a close friend. You don’t know what their deal is. I had a friend and husband in Maryland that were swingers. That’s the term she used. That was the word that was used then. They are older than me..and I’m no spring chicken.. Anyway..I didn’t know this until she mentioned it. I made her clarify what that meant. I was beginning to tell she was interested in me. She had no interest in my husband. It made me very uncomfortable so I slowly cut ties. If you were to look at them..you would never know. I’m not judging them..It’s just that they have an arrangement. Even your best friend could have an arrangement that you’re not aware of. I think I would keep quiet..On the other hand I would want someone to tell me if my husband was cheating on me.

 

[SparklieBug]

I'm not going to say anything. Unless she asks, which is unlikely.

Years ago, I was in just this position! A good friend of mine (pregnant with her then-husband's second child) suspected her husband was being unfaithful. She asked me to drive with her past the suspected lover's house to see if his vehicle was there. It was not. She was relieved. The guy I was involved with at the time was horrified that I would go with her. I only knew that if I was in her position, I would want someone to support me. So I went...with a slight caveat...

Her intuition was correct. I actually knew that her husband was having an affair with that person—because that person was my best friend's sister.

When we were driving to the house, I asked my friend what she would do if she the affair were confirmed. She advised that she would immediately leave the marriage; this would result in a single-mom with a toddler and a baby on the way. I decided that if she asked me directly, I would tell her the truth. If she didn't ask, then I'd remain silent, as I didn't want bear responsibility for breaking up a family.

It took maybe four more years of marital stress, and when she was ready, she departed with the kids, fully on her own terms, and from a position of power/choice rather than a knee-jerk reaction.

Many years later, when the kids were grown and gone, that topic came up, and I confessed that I'd known. When she asked why I didn't say anything, I told her that she didn't ask me, and if she had, I would have told her. She was fine with that.

She has been in a crazy-happy marriage for many years, now.

 

[Jambalaya]

Haven't read all the responses. I would stay out of it. You don't know any of the intimate details about any of these people's lives. The wife may have an idea and has decided she doesn't really want to know the truth. Maybe they have an agreement. Maybe she had an affair years ago and this is payback. Maybe she's horrible to her husband behind closed doors. You have NO idea. No one knows what goes on in a marriage. If you tell her, you might shatter her whole world. If you really must say something, I'd have a word with the husband.

I feel strongly about people staying out of this stuff. My friend received a Facebook message from a stranger informing her that her husband had been on dates with her, but they hadn't slept together, and you would not believe the fall-out from that. Four people's lives exploded. Years and years of pain, a broken family, children whose lives were never the same, and it was all for nothing anyway, because three years later, the husband got diagnosed with terminal cancer.

If they have children, the kids are the ones who will suffer the most from such revelations. It's their childhoods that will be destroyed. The adults will go on to other partners in time, but the children will never get their shattered childhoods back. It's awful that her husband is cheating, but if I could only pick one party's welfare to look after, I'd choose the children's welfare. Yes, you might be doing her a favor, but the price of that is the children's childhoods, sense of security in the world, and the scars they will carry. I could not do that to the children.

 

[Austina]

I had a friend who suspected her husband was having multiple affairs. She asked me to help her confirm her suspicions, so I did. She bought a tracker and put it in his car.

I downloaded the app for the tracker, and she would come round to my house and view the data.

I’m not sure what I would’ve done if I had witnessed him straying, I suppose if she’d confided in me about him, and asked me directly, I would‘ve told her. If I’d had the opportunity to speak to him, I would’ve probably say something like “I saw someone who looked just like you the other day, but it couldn’t have been you, because he was with another woman”

As others have said, you just don’t know what goes on between two people.

 

[dk168]

Very difficult, however, this is my own experience...

I found out the husband of an ex-work colleague was on a message board for peeps who are into certain lifestyle looking for fun.

The ex-work colleague had changed job very recently, and we were still in touch.

I revealed myself as a member of the same message board (I was single and unattached at the time) and let her husband know that I knew he was playing the field, and asked him to do the right thing, and he left the message board shortly afterwards.

I did not reveal to my ex-work colleague that I knew her hubby was cheating behind her back (they had 2 young children at the time, and I had met him and the kids in person), and had to distance myself from her as I found it difficult to withhold the information from her.

I did not want to be the one to break up their relationship by revealing to her what I knew.

I do not know if they are still together as they immigrated to another country.

Rightly or wrongly, that's what I did.

DK

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

I'd want to know so I could start lining up my ducks and come out of my divorce winning.

I'd send flowers (or bake a cake) for the person who told me. If my great love was actually a complete lie I'd want to know. The sooner the better.

 

[Made in London]

Thank you all.

For the avoidance of doubt, this is not a gossip / suspicions scenario. I am sure.

This thread has made me realise two things:

(1) As open as someone seems online, no-one really knows what's going on behind closed doors. Maybe they have an open marriage. Maybe she knows and is OK with it. Maybe she knows and isn't OK with it, but the online forum is her escape to present the relationship she wants to the world.

(2) It's not about whether I would want to know, or even whether 90% of others would want to know. It's about whether this particular person wants to be told. And I don't think she does.

I'm not going to say anything. Unless she asks, which is unlikely.

I agree with this. Don't shit stir, it is none of your business & it could all blow back in your face & /or ruin their kids lives if it ended up splitting up a family. I wouldn't want that on my concience