Would you want your dh to remarry if you were gone?

[luv2sparkle]

Like TooPatient, I had a family member start dating and get engaged within a month of a loved ones death. What I watched over the years was the first family losing everything to the new wife's family. It was so painful to watch and left such scars on those involved. DH and I have discussed this and I have asked him to never let this happen to our kids. That would be my only concern. He says he would never remarry, that I am a one and only for him. Sweet man. Don't know if I believe it would work out that way but I love him for saying it.

 

[AprilBaby]

I wouldn't remarry because I have never been on my own and I think at this point in my life I would like it. He would marry quickly because he would be totally lost. Wouldn't bother me at all.

 

[yssie]

I'm of the "my corpse won't care" school of thought.

I want DH to be happy. I'm confident I'm not the only woman in the world who could make him happy.
I'm sure the manner in which I died would have a lot to do with it - losing a spouse after several years of dealing with a terminal illness is likely very different from a death in a car accident, say...

Missy - I think discussions like this can be cathartic, sometimes. I hope your health continues to improve

 

[hlmr]

Yes, I would because I would want him to be happy, and he would be much happier married.

Missy, hope all is well with your health, but just in case things are not as they should be right now, I am sending you tons of healthy vibes.

 

[armywife13]

We have had this discussion many times. It comes with the territory of being a miltary couple. We have mourned when friends have passed away and then been there again to celebrate when and if their widowed spouse remarries. I'm not a believer in soulmates and personally think the notion is some disney inspired fantasy and pretty much why most people divorce. Being in a relationship is work- HARD work, and it requires those involved to be selfish and selfless at the the same time. Selfish because you should want your SO to be everything and more to you. Selfless because you should want to give up everything and anything for that other person as well. I don't believe there is only 1 person in this entire world who you could do this with. I love my husband, he is my everything! But if I should die I would not want him going through life solo. I also wouldn't want him to remarry someone just for the sake of remarrying. I would want him to fall in love with someone who would appreciate him and love him like I did. I know if he passed away I would mourn but eventually I would hope to find someone I could remarry. I'm not sure I would go actively looking but if it happened I wouldn't let my past hold be back from having a happy future.

This. I couldn't have said it better SB!

 

[Gypsy]

I do want him to. His mother never did and mourned her husband her whole life after he passed. Such a sad waste of the remainder of her life. I would want my husband to find someone to share his life-- the good and the bad-- with if I wasn't around.

 

[kenny]

Dead is dead.
I won't care much.

Him living to make a dead person happy is irrational.

Kenny, make a quick grab for your SO's Octavia!! Make sure it's off before rigour mortis sets in.

I thought this was about me dying … No?
So he'd be grabbing my Octavia … hey, come to think of it, that would piss me off even if I was dead.

 

[LLJsmom]

Not gonna lie. NO.

 

[SB621]

We have had this discussion many times. It comes with the territory of being a miltary couple. We have mourned when friends have passed away and then been there again to celebrate when and if their widowed spouse remarries. I'm not a believer in soulmates and personally think the notion is some disney inspired fantasy and pretty much why most people divorce. Being in a relationship is work- HARD work, and it requires those involved to be selfish and selfless at the the same time. Selfish because you should want your SO to be everything and more to you. Selfless because you should want to give up everything and anything for that other person as well. I don't believe there is only 1 person in this entire world who you could do this with. I love my husband, he is my everything! But if I should die I would not want him going through life solo. I also wouldn't want him to remarry someone just for the sake of remarrying. I would want him to fall in love with someone who would appreciate him and love him like I did. I know if he passed away I would mourn but eventually I would hope to find someone I could remarry. I'm not sure I would go actively looking but if it happened I wouldn't let my past hold be back from having a happy future.

This. I couldn't have said it better SB!

Armywife I just have to come back to say I think you are such a wonderful example of someone who is selfless is a relationship!!! I'm so amazed everyday with everything you go through! You rock!

 

[armywife13]

We have had this discussion many times. It comes with the territory of being a miltary couple. We have mourned when friends have passed away and then been there again to celebrate when and if their widowed spouse remarries. I'm not a believer in soulmates and personally think the notion is some disney inspired fantasy and pretty much why most people divorce. Being in a relationship is work- HARD work, and it requires those involved to be selfish and selfless at the the same time. Selfish because you should want your SO to be everything and more to you. Selfless because you should want to give up everything and anything for that other person as well. I don't believe there is only 1 person in this entire world who you could do this with. I love my husband, he is my everything! But if I should die I would not want him going through life solo. I also wouldn't want him to remarry someone just for the sake of remarrying. I would want him to fall in love with someone who would appreciate him and love him like I did. I know if he passed away I would mourn but eventually I would hope to find someone I could remarry. I'm not sure I would go actively looking but if it happened I wouldn't let my past hold be back from having a happy future.

This. I couldn't have said it better SB!

Armywife I just have to come back to say I think you are such a wonderful example of someone who is selfless is a relationship!!! I'm so amazed everyday with everything you go through! You rock!

Thank you SB! (((Hugs))) Many days I draw strength from knowing that there are other amazing people(such as YOU!!!) on this same challanging but wonderful journey in life.

 

[missy]

Lol, some days I want him to remarry while I'm still here!

LOL thanks for making me laugh out loud Erica. I needed that.

Yes, he needs to remarry. He'd be terrible all alone, very broody and sad. Even with me around (and I'm hilarious! ) he's pretty quiet. He's a Cancer and needs family around.

But he's got pretty high standards, so it could take a while.

Haha, he has a tall order to fill that is for sure iLander.

Happy 51st Anniversary Isabel!

Maisie, I hope all is OK with you. Sending you lots of positive vibes and good health dust!

And a heartfelt thank you to Trekkie, mom2boys, rosetta, Sarah, Dancing Fire, Diamondseeker, Kelinas, Yssie, hlmr. I appreciate your well wishes and good thoughts. Sorry my posting has been a bit gloomy these last couple of months. It's difficult for me to pretend I'm OK when I am feeling so poorly for so long. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so to speak and I have good moments where I can be positive and happy but then the pain and uncertainty take over and it is a bit of a challenge.

Also a big thank you to marymm, Elliot, Effe, sonnyjane, Maria D, TooPatient, manderz, packrat, Laurie, Kenny, tyty, Isabel, iLander, Maisie, dk, Laila, momhappy, baby monster, DNB, soocool, marcy, luv2sparkle, AprilBaby, armywife, Gypsy, LLJsmom (and anyone else I might have missed) for replying on what I know can be a dark topic.

I appreciate hearing others points of view on such a personal subject. I hope no one has to consider this issue for a very very long time if ever. My ideal would be for my dh and I to both die together instantly at a very old age.

 

[JaneSmith]

This has made me realise that I need to re-do the wills so that my daughter gets everything regardless of remarriage of surviving parent.
Finding love and commitment after such a loss would be wonderful, and I hope it would happen for either hubby or I, but I need to know my daughter is not going to be unceremoniously ousted by a stepmother.

Good topic Missy. We are all here for you so keep thinking your thoughts 'out loud', it's better than keeping it all to yourself and then wondering if you're odd.

 

[missy]

This has made me realise that I need to re-do the wills so that my daughter gets everything regardless of remarriage of surviving parent.
Finding love and commitment after such a loss would be wonderful, and I hope it would happen for either hubby or I, but I need to know my daughter is not going to be unceremoniously ousted by a stepmother.

Good topic Missy. We are all here for you so keep thinking your thoughts 'out loud', it's better than keeping it all to yourself and then wondering if you're odd.

Thank you Jane, I appreciate your support.
And I don't need to wonder if I'm odd, I know I am.
And good for you on updating your wills. There is a foolproof way to make sure your children get everything but not being a probate attorney I cannot say how but I know my dh and I put our estate into a trust and are able to control who gets what that way. Something like that. Always a good idea to think ahead when it comes to these matters.

 

[chrono]

Missy,
I hope you are doing well.

I hope DH will live his life as happily as possible after my demise, be it remarrying or staying a widower.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have told my husband many many times that if I die I want him to remarry as soon as he is ready and find a woman to mother my kids. I trust his judgement about picking a good partner, and if he doesn't, well... I'll be dead so I won't know! Joking aside, he is the kind of man who really needs a wife and partner in life, so I would not want him going without for too long.

ETA: Although he and I do talk about this stuff often -- I think its better to talk and even joke about my deepest fears then bottle them up -- I am not sure he would remarry until the boys were grown. I think that because if my husband died, I don't think remarriage would be in my own cards until they were grown. I feel that I was very lucky to find my husband and I cannot imagine winning that lottery again! And I would not want to take the risk of my kids having conflict with my new husband. But somehow I feel like my husband would have an easier time finding a new mate. He is very nice and well liked and handsome. I want him to find a lovely woman who always wanted kids but did not have them for whatever reason (maybe because she invested in her career and education like I did, but did not find a partner to support her, like I did) who can find fulfillment mothering my kids and looking after my man! That is my fantasy anyways

 

[GliderPoss]

On my part I cannot imagine finding another soulmate like him so I probably wouldn't. He went so far as to say he would die of a broken heart if I passed away (Awwwww) BUT actually I would want him to be happy and remarry. (After a suitable period of mourning of course - at least a year! )

 

[woofmama]

I don't think I would remarry, I have been married to DH going on 17yrs and was married before that for 7yrs. I have many single friends, some who are widows, and know that like them I could be happy & fulfilled on my own.

As for my DH, I could see him remarrying. He was a late bloomer, I was his first wife and we married when he was 35. I think he would be lost alone at this point. I hope he would mourn me at least a little while

 

[livannie]

I would want my husband to be happy too. But I really hope we grow old together. In my religion it is believed when you get married, you are sealed for all eternity and will be together after this life. I hope neither of us dies early because if there is someone I could spend eternity with, I would want it to be him. And if he happened to remarry, he could get sealed to that other woman too, if he chose to and I can't share so I would choose to go through eternity alone.

 

[junebug17]

I guess it wouldn't matter what the heck he was up to since I wouldn't be around to see it lol - but seriously, I think it would probably be better for him if he remarried, he really hates to be alone and I could picture him just moping around, feeling sad and lonely. I'm ok with the idea, but it does feel weird to think of him with someone else - we've known each other for 38 years! Good point about the inheritance though, that aspect never really occurred to me.

I wouldn't remarry, or probably even date - I have never really been on my own, I think I'd be fine being by myself - and it would feel too strange to be with someone else.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Not gonna lie. NO.

...and wife #2 will enjoy wearing your diamonds...

 

[Sky56]

Good partner - yes. Remarry - no. Reason - financial protection.

 

[missy]

Thank you Chrono.

Dreamer, I agree. It is so much better to talk about these things even if they are unpleasant. Of course my dh will not humor me on this topic but I know no matter what he thinks now he would remarry. He's too social a person to live alone the rest of his life should something happen to me at a relatively young age. And he really is the marrying type if you kwim. He got me to switch over to the marrying side and I was not the marrying type lol. I realized I never answered the question if I would remarry should g-d forbid something happen to him. No way. I would never ever find another partner (and yes, soulmate) like my dh. I don't even think I would date. No interest. Just thinking about that possibility of the situation being reversed makes me ill.

Hotpozzum and woofmama and Junebug, I'm on the same page as you guys. I want him to remarry to be happy but no way could I imagine or want to be remarried.

livannie that is a sweet thought. To be able to spend eternity with your dh.

Sky Marriage is just a formality to many anyway. As long as you are happy and fulfilled that's what counts.

 

[violet3]

I would 100% want my DH to remarry if anything were to happen to me. He's such a great person, and has made my life so great in so many ways. Of the two of us, he is by far more the one who loves to be with another person all the time - we have whole days that are "together days" on our days off. This is all his doing, btw. He likes to grocery shop together, cook together, heck....sometimes he even wants to fold the laundry together He's truly a partner in every sense of the word and I am really blessed.

Before him, (and even sometimes now) I really enjoy my alone time, just to read a book, watch whatever I want on the television, or surf the internet in uninterrupted bliss. If something were to happen to me, I would absolutely want to know that he found another person to spend his time with, laugh with, and have "together days" with in the future. He deserves that.

 

[Rhea]

I know married couples who actually have an "If I die you can't remarry" rule.

When I die, I will be dead. The end. I will cease to exist, and anything that happens after me won't matter anymore. I would be so sad to think of my sweet guy alone forever in the event of my untimely demise. I want him to be happy, even if that is without me.

This.

And adding, I imagine (hope, perhaps?) that he will remember me fondly, as I imagine I would him. I think that if he died I would feel terribly guilty for moving on when I did. I don't want him, or either of us, really, to feel guilty should we find ourselves in that situation. I truly hope that he moves on with as little guilt as possible, while remembering me fondly, and is happy as he deserves to be.

 

[monarch64]

I would 100% want my DH to remarry if anything were to happen to me. He's such a great person, and has made my life so great in so many ways. Of the two of us, he is by far more the one who loves to be with another person all the time - we have whole days that are "together days" on our days off. This is all his doing, btw. He likes to grocery shop together, cook together, heck....sometimes he even wants to fold the laundry together He's truly a partner in every sense of the word and I am really blessed.

Before him, (and even sometimes now) I really enjoy my alone time, just to read a book, watch whatever I want on the television, or surf the internet in uninterrupted bliss. If something were to happen to me, I would absolutely want to know that he found another person to spend his time with, laugh with, and have "together days" with in the future. He deserves that.

Aww, I love your answer so much, Violet! Your husband sounds a lot like mine, and you sound like me. He is happiest when we are together and sharing all the things, whereas I am content with my (now little snippets of) alone time. I think my husband should remarry if I die but he probably would not. And he would never tell me not to remarry, whether he'd want me to or not.

As far as our child, we have plenty of outside help, people who will be appointed her legal guardians in the case both he and I die before she's 18, etc. to render the need for a replacement parent in the house unnecessary. She would not lack role models, nor family members, and my husband and I are both very capable of being single parents. This probably seems contradictory, but the kid thing muddles the issue so I separate it in my mind.

 

[Sky56]

My mother wanted my father to be happy and have a partner. She had it "planned out" as she died of cancer 5 years after diagnosis.

She even recommended specific people she thought would be good for him.

He ended up with one of those people, he was with her for years until she died of cancer also. Then he ended up with another partner, eventually he broke up with her and now he has been with a "new" partner for 2 years. He has not remarried and doesn't plan to. All of his choices have been excellent, and I have been good friends with everyone he has been with since my mother's death.

My mother-in-law did the opposite. She was widowed in her early 50's and lived into her 90's without a man in her life at all. She went on one date and that was it. She was single and alone for 40 years...and was happy and content.

 

[Cehrabehra]

If I were gone, I'd want my husband to be happy - and if that meant marrying again, then that is what I would want for him. No one will ever take my place, but I'm sure his heart would have room for another.

 

[LLJsmom]

Not gonna lie. NO.

...and wife #2 will enjoy wearing your diamonds...

Then that would be a HELL no. I'm passing my diamonds to my kids and my kids' kids. Ain't no second wife gonna even breathe near my bling. I'm putting it into the trust AND the will.

And for the record, I would have no desire to remarry either. I'm pretty good on my own, and have lots of things to keep me occupied.