Yet another update, this one shorter, though.

[MakingTheGrade]

Sorry to hear about all the drama, believe me I can relate to having a wackadoodle and over dramatic SIL. Mine threw tantrums and threatened to boycott my wedding.

Anyways, some people can just be toxic and I find it best to just avoid them if possible. Planning a wedding is stressful, you don't need any extra annoyances!


Have you been able to get any insight from your brother as to how your niece is actually taking it? Maybe ask him if it'd be appropriate to send the girls a small flower-girl related gift to get them excited and let them know you're thinking of them?

Also, one of my flower girls was 10! And she loved being a flower girl!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Honestly...

I think you''re really beating a dead horse...it''s very obvious that this back and forth between you and your SIL is a never ending story. She has her feelings, and you have yours. You''re not going to convince her that you''re right, and she''s not going to convince you that she''s right. It''s all totally moot.

Using words like "obligation" and "outshine" in the context of her daughter is going to be offensive...this is her baby, her pride and joy...and wether you feel that having Jessica in the wedding is merely an effort to appease your father, your SIL is essentially lending you her child for the day, and knowing in her gut that you feel "put out" by this is going to be a sore point for her. She is going to upset and hurt. I mean, as a mother wouldn''t you be if someone was speaking about your child like that?

At the end of the day, this is your wedding...you should have whomever you chose stand up for you in a place of honor...the fact that you''ve opted to include your nieces in some fashion is very generous of you (given your feelings)...but you''re doing it for the wrong reasons, and frankly PP, it shows. I hate to say it, but you''re sucking the joy from your day by creating all this back and forth--not her. If you don''t want the girls in the wedding, say so...don''t waffle back and forth and switch roles and still try to come out on top...lay it out and play it straight, make a choice, stop justifying it and stay the course. Essentially, stop rubbing the salt in her obvious wound by rehashing your point...you''ve said you peace, now give her the space and time to come to terms with your decision.

Weddings should be a joyous family affair. But it''s always the bride that sets the tone. You have very valid points, and your feelings are clearly justified...but you cannot forget that these are children at the root of the issue her, and ergo they need to be treated as such. They aren''t randoms...they are your nieces. Whatever their role, make them feel special.

I hope you can all move past this and everyone can truly celebrate the day without letting this overshadow anything.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Wow. PP, I hadn''t wanted to respond earlier to the other posts because they leave me fuming and DH says that I always get so angry for other people! Hee!

But now, I have to respond: THIS IS YOUR WEDDING! No matter what you say or do, SHE is not going to be happy.

I was in the same position when I was planning my wedding. DH has a stepson from his previous marriage that had been insulting and rude to me and was not invited to the wedding. First, his ex-wife said that since her son was not invited, his two kids (that live with us!) couldn''t attend either. She made us change the date, then MIL got in involved and said if his stepson wasn''t attending, she wasn''t either. Then one of his brothers said he wasn''t coming either.

I never had the long, drawn out conversations with everyone. I just told them that they would be missed, but I was not going to be bullied by a teenager. MIL didn''t speak to me for a few weeks and then quietly booked her travel. Ex-wife, couldn''t really do anything about it and the kids are starting to realize that she uses them to try to get to their dad. She didn''t even take them on the supposed vacation that she was taking HER children on the day of our original wedding date. As for BIL, he didn''t go to the wedding and hasn''t called to even acknowledge our wedding.

So I definitely feel for you and I can only advise you to stop playing her game. The more you respond, the more ammunition you give her to use against you. Stop responding to her. If she wants her kids in the wedding, they will be.

At the end of the day, I married my best friend and you will, too. And it IS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR SOON TO BE HUSBAND! And she can be there or not. But regardless, she will make herself and her kids to be the victim. You have to just be nice and really be above it.

Good luck and enjoy YOUR wedding planning!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 10/23/2009 1:48:42 PM
Author: Haven
Oh my gosh, Princessplease. Apparently you can do nothing right.

I think your email was very polite and gracious, ifImaysaysomyself.

She is obviously projecting issues from her own life onto you, so at this point I''d just respond with a short ''Thank you for your response. I''ll be in contact with Yourbrother''sname about all the dress details and such when the time comes. Have a great weekend!''

I love being cheery in the face of beeotchiness.

My guess is that she has been making her husband and daughter, as well as everyone else she comes into contact with, miserable because she is miserable herself. I''d consider the case closed at this point, and just talk to your brother from here on out.

Sorry you''re stuck with such a nasty SIL. Just be grateful that she''s not *your* mother.

Ditto to what Haven said. She is a piece of work and will just continue to try and guilt you and make you feel bad. Don''t feed it, just respond as Haven said - cheerfully

(gives her nothing to work with!) - and talk to your brother from now on.

And, to what the others have said, I doubt the daughter knows as much as SIL says she does...she is 7, that is perfect for a flower girl...geesh!!!

 

[shertz1981]

I think a seven-year-old won''t know the diff btwn being a flower girl or jr BM unless it''s spelled out.

However, I would do this: buy that cute "When I Was a Flower Girl" book (one for each kid), plus a yummy treat, and send it to them with a note about how excited you are to include them in your special day. SIL can''t argue that, right, since it''ll make the kids feel special?

 

[princessplease]

Thanks everyone.

MrsH- Thanks for sharing your story. I''m sorry you had to contend with all of that drama. I know it will never end if I keep feeding her, so it''s over. I''m done with communicating with her. Her actions and words caused a huge rift in my family, and I now have other family members mad at me and angry with me because I moved the kid. Her crap is really extending beyond this, and it HAS TO STOP. Thank you again.

Rock- Thanks. I''m giving her nothing to work with at all. The lines of communication are closed!

Shertz- That sounds like it could be a good idea. After the storm passes, I may do that. However, I honestly think SIL would turn it into some sort of vindictive and nasty thing.

 

[AprilBaby]

PP, congratulations for handling this in an adult way, unlike the other adults around you. To anyone who threatens to boycott if they don''t get their way: good riddance. Enjoy YOUR day and don''t worry about the others. They will be miserable later when they realize what a beautiful day they missed!

 

[princessplease]

Thank you april. I appreciate it.

 

[shertz1981]

Date: 10/26/2009 5:14:28 PM
Author: princessplease
Thanks everyone.


Shertz- That sounds like it could be a good idea. After the storm passes, I may do that. However, I honestly think SIL would turn it into some sort of vindictive and nasty thing.

If she does, she will look like the tooliest tool who ever tooled. Seriously -- you're giving her a huge fuss over the kids, acknowledging their ... er ... shininess (sorry, couldn't resist after the "outshining" comment) -- if she complains about that, she's only showing her SILzilla face to the world.

So either way, you win!

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 10/24/2009 6:45:53 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Honestly...


I think you''re really beating a dead horse...it''s very obvious that this back and forth between you and your SIL is a never ending story. She has her feelings, and you have yours. You''re not going to convince her that you''re right, and she''s not going to convince you that she''s right. It''s all totally moot.


Using words like ''obligation'' and ''outshine'' in the context of her daughter is going to be offensive...this is her baby, her pride and joy...and wether you feel that having Jessica in the wedding is merely an effort to appease your father, your SIL is essentially lending you her child for the day, and knowing in her gut that you feel ''put out'' by this is going to be a sore point for her. She is going to upset and hurt. I mean, as a mother wouldn''t you be if someone was speaking about your child like that?


At the end of the day, this is your wedding...you should have whomever you chose stand up for you in a place of honor...the fact that you''ve opted to include your nieces in some fashion is very generous of you (given your feelings)...but you''re doing it for the wrong reasons, and frankly PP, it shows. I hate to say it, but you''re sucking the joy from your day by creating all this back and forth--not her. If you don''t want the girls in the wedding, say so...don''t waffle back and forth and switch roles and still try to come out on top...lay it out and play it straight, make a choice, stop justifying it and stay the course. Essentially, stop rubbing the salt in her obvious wound by rehashing your point...you''ve said you peace, now give her the space and time to come to terms with your decision.


Weddings should be a joyous family affair. But it''s always the bride that sets the tone. You have very valid points, and your feelings are clearly justified...but you cannot forget that these are children at the root of the issue her, and ergo they need to be treated as such. They aren''t randoms...they are your nieces. Whatever their role, make them feel special.


I hope you can all move past this and everyone can truly celebrate the day without letting this overshadow anything.

Well said, Italia.

 

[honey22]

Date: 10/27/2009 4:18:34 PM
Author: robbie3982

Date: 10/24/2009 6:45:53 PM

Author: Italiahaircolor

Honestly...



I think you''re really beating a dead horse...it''s very obvious that this back and forth between you and your SIL is a never ending story. She has her feelings, and you have yours. You''re not going to convince her that you''re right, and she''s not going to convince you that she''s right. It''s all totally moot.



Using words like ''obligation'' and ''outshine'' in the context of her daughter is going to be offensive...this is her baby, her pride and joy...and wether you feel that having Jessica in the wedding is merely an effort to appease your father, your SIL is essentially lending you her child for the day, and knowing in her gut that you feel ''put out'' by this is going to be a sore point for her. She is going to upset and hurt. I mean, as a mother wouldn''t you be if someone was speaking about your child like that?



At the end of the day, this is your wedding...you should have whomever you chose stand up for you in a place of honor...the fact that you''ve opted to include your nieces in some fashion is very generous of you (given your feelings)...but you''re doing it for the wrong reasons, and frankly PP, it shows. I hate to say it, but you''re sucking the joy from your day by creating all this back and forth--not her. If you don''t want the girls in the wedding, say so...don''t waffle back and forth and switch roles and still try to come out on top...lay it out and play it straight, make a choice, stop justifying it and stay the course. Essentially, stop rubbing the salt in her obvious wound by rehashing your point...you''ve said you peace, now give her the space and time to come to terms with your decision.



Weddings should be a joyous family affair. But it''s always the bride that sets the tone. You have very valid points, and your feelings are clearly justified...but you cannot forget that these are children at the root of the issue her, and ergo they need to be treated as such. They aren''t randoms...they are your nieces. Whatever their role, make them feel special.



I hope you can all move past this and everyone can truly celebrate the day without letting this overshadow anything.

Well said, Italia.

While I see your point Italia, at some point this woman has to realise that the world does not revolve around her child. Her SIL is not doing PP a favour by lending her child for the day, her SIL is basically insisting she be in the wedding party, on her terms!

PP, it''s your wedding honey. I would simply tell SIL it''s all too much drama and you have decided not to have flowergirls. And so what if your manipulative family threaten to not turn up? Less freakin drama for your big day.

I swear, you should be able to thump family members when they carry on like bloody children!

 

[Treasure43]

As someone who is tired of family drama regarding a wedding, I can completely sympathize. My mother has been clear on who she thinks should walk me down the aisle, who should be in the wedding party, who should be invited, etc. And I''ve had to stand up to her. She said she wouldn''t come if she didn''t get her way but quickly got over it when I said I would hate for her to not come but it''s MY wedding. Standing up to my FMIL, however, has been more difficult, and I''ll admit, I put FSIL in the wedding party because I was HIGHLY encouraged to and it''s now causing some issues.

It''s SO difficult to plan a wedding and it''s IMPOSSIBLE to please everyone. Wedding planning seems to bring out the worst in people sometimes probably because of all the emotions and money that are involved and the fact that there are so many choices to be made. However, it sounds like you really wanted to make everyone happy (just as I do) and that''s how you got involved in this situation. It doesn''t help that your dad is threatening you with him not coming. It''s so difficult and hurtful to have a familiy member treat you this way and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I just wanted to tell you to keep your head up and remember that this is YOURS and FI''s day and no one else''s. It becomes so easy to forget that and get caught up in all the drama. I have a feeling that eventually your FSIL will just deal with letting wunderkins be the FG but if she causes any more drama I''d draw the line and say forget it. It''s not worth having people who want to make the day all about them in your wedding and will ultimatly cause you more heartache and frustration than do any good. She''s getting to feel like she can manipulate you and cause drama so she''s getting what she wants. You''re getting drama and frustration in return.

It seems like your last email drew the line for her (I''m hoping). Hopefully she''ll back off and let you enjoy your engagement. Stay strong