zoebartlett
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2006
- Messages
- 12,461
I didn't think about the military aspect. I think it's a great idea that the military includes spouses in ceremonies. That will be a special day for you both -- definitely!
Pandora|1307032111|2936262 said:MAC-W - sorry, I shouldn't laugh but I did and you've just reminded me that I actually got a First in BA Photography on behalf or my ex-boyfriend...![]()
I bought the camera, the film (pre-digital days), the paper etc
I nagged and nagged and filled in the application forms and took him to the interviews
I wrote his dissertation
I came up with every single project he did
Oh, and I did my own degree, paid the rent and bills and held down a job at the same time. Shame I didn't get a First in my own name too!
Did make a huge difference to my choice of husband - I'm married to a man who doesn't need to be nagged or kicked to get off his backside and who does everything himself. So nice...
heraanderson|1307069250|2936647 said:Sonnyjane- It's funny that you mention that because at your very spot in my husband's career, I felt the same way. It was only when my husband started reaching the top ranks that the tides changed a bit.
Dreamer_D|1307072181|2936695 said:It might depend on the relationship. But in my marriage, certainly our accomplishments reflect on one another. When I got my PhD, in the author notes of my thesis I thanked my husband for being my inspirtion. My biggest supporter. I could not have done it without him. And he feels the same way about his own accomplishments and my role in them.
I don't think I would go so far as to take credit for his recent promotion. And I don't think he would take credit for my PhD. But the day of my defense, it *was* his day too. Not because he was defending his thesis, but because he was there as a special supporter of me. People made a point of congradulating him, complimenting me to him. Surely this reflects the reality of how marriage is perceived in society -- where one partner's accomplishments reflect on the other. He felt pride when it happened, more than he would have felt if it was a stranger, or even a different family member. That also reflects the substantive differnce between a martial relationship and other relationships, in terms of how partners' outcomes are linked.
So, while I agree the day is not *all* about you, it is about you more than it is about any other person in your husband's life! It is about YOU because the person you love most and are closest with in the world has accomplished something wonderful, and YOU have a role that day to be with him, share his happiness, support him, and show him how happy you are. You have a very important role that day in his life, and even in the ceremony. So I am with you, girl. It is about you. Maybe not in the same way it is about your husband, but in a different and very important way.
maplefemme|1307083301|2936751 said:On the parental front though, as far as your Mom being proud, I had an experience a couple of years back... When I graduated nursing, I didn't tell friends or family (I was single at the time too) when grad was, I just didn't want to put anyone out, the ceremony was mid-afternoon and everyone would be at work.
I went alone, had a nice time, did the after-grad dinner with my classmates and came home.
When they asked about grad I told them it had already happened, well they were devastated I didn't ask them to come, everyone was upset, they were proud of me and really wanted to show it and I denied them of it unknowingly.
I felt bad and lesson learned... in life, our loved ones champion our successes, cheer our triumphs, and support us during our greatest challenges, and we in turn do likewise...it's how we love and are loved.
I don't think anyone was trying to equate the sacrifices a military spouse makes with the sacrifices the spouses of students make. At least I wasn't. I was merely speaking from my own experiences (since of course that is all I can do). I guess I need to further articulate my implied message, which was if I feel entitled to share in my SO's successes at that level, I definitely would if I were OP.HollyS|1307054872|2936493 said:I'm always more than a bit surprised at some of the answers here.
1) Yes, in a military promotion, the wife is part of the "honoring" and should not be the one taking the photos, as she will be included in the ceremony. If the family wants photos, invite a friend or family member to shoot said photos.
2) Military wives (or husbands) make huge sacrifices of personal time with their spouses. Without the support of their spouse, and the 'behind-the-scenes' work of the spouse in keeping the family life on an even keel, the military member would likely not get that promotion. So, YES, it will be about you, too. In this instance.
3) Military promotions, especially in wartime, especially when many military members are on their 3rd, 4th, or 5th rotation overseas into some 'hot spot', are not the same as gaining college degrees or a leg up the corporate ladder. What the family/spouse has had to endure and give up for their spouse and their country cannot be viewed through the same filter.
4) Never mind what you mother wants. Do what is important to you and your husband. Period. And don't apologize or explain.
heraanderson|1307073837|2936702 said:Dreamer_D|1307072181|2936695 said:It might depend on the relationship. But in my marriage, certainly our accomplishments reflect on one another. When I got my PhD, in the author notes of my thesis I thanked my husband for being my inspirtion. My biggest supporter. I could not have done it without him. And he feels the same way about his own accomplishments and my role in them.
I don't think I would go so far as to take credit for his recent promotion. And I don't think he would take credit for my PhD. But the day of my defense, it *was* his day too. Not because he was defending his thesis, but because he was there as a special supporter of me. People made a point of congradulating him, complimenting me to him. Surely this reflects the reality of how marriage is perceived in society -- where one partner's accomplishments reflect on the other. He felt pride when it happened, more than he would have felt if it was a stranger, or even a different family member. That also reflects the substantive differnce between a martial relationship and other relationships, in terms of how partners' outcomes are linked.
So, while I agree the day is not *all* about you, it is about you more than it is about any other person in your husband's life! It is about YOU because the person you love most and are closest with in the world has accomplished something wonderful, and YOU have a role that day to be with him, share his happiness, support him, and show him how happy you are. You have a very important role that day in his life, and even in the ceremony. So I am with you, girl. It is about you. Maybe not in the same way it is about your husband, but in a different and very important way.
Even though I delighted in the idea you would comment on my thread, I braced for a second in the event that you were going to give me the "it's not all about you". I've sort of been thinking in circles because on one hand, I am sharing this accomplishment and yet how can I do that if I'm not taking credit? I think you explained the very scenario I'm experiencing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Guilty Pleasure|1307086929|2936766 said:As a military spouse, few things irk me more than a wife who tries to wear her husband's rank. Puh-lease lady (not directed at original poster, but at spouses in general), your husband may outrank my husband, but last time I checked, I'm not in the Navy. I treat all people with courtesy and kind regard, regardless of their station. I would quickly walk away from any spouses' club that treated spouses according to their husbands' ranks, whether I am a Lieutenant Commander's wife now or the skipper's wife in the future.
That being said, this is most certainly a day that you should enjoy to the fullest! Wives pin on that new rank as a symbol of the sacrifice and support they give their husbands, who most definitely could not pursue their chosen career AND raise a family without an incredible partner in marriage. Being a military spouse IS different than being the wife of another occupation because in every other field, there is a choice - to move or not to move, who's career is more important, etc. In the military, rarely is a choice given, and it is up to the spouse to keep the family together, moving around the country or overseas, often alone with the children. A person in the military cannot decide that moving won't really work for them and quit (they'll be sent to military prison), and the spouse has to accept that.
Finally, who cares who's day it is? IF you don't want to take pictures, then don't! This isn't about who's day it is. Unless your husband cares about having a picture, why should you feel the need to cart around a camera if you don't want to? I don't even take pictures at weddings anymore, and it certainly isn't because I think the day is about me! I just don't feel like interrupting a good time to snap photos that I won't miss. That's what photographers are for!
wannaBMrsH|1307109455|2936851 said:maplefemme|1307083301|2936751 said:Back to topic, I've never been in the military, but I get so aggravated when people say, "We are Captains, Sergeants, Colonels, whatever rank the spouse is." I firmly believe that our men and women in the armed forces could never do their jobs well without a good support system, and I always thank the family members of military members for their support of their family's service. I think spouses should be super proud of their servicemember's record and should celebrate their success, but don't appropriate the victory (or rank) as yours.
I think OP isn't trying to do that as she specifically stated that she didn't remember being in Afghanistan with DH. I'm glad that you were able to get through the ceremony and to the celebration the way YOU and YOUR HUSBAND wanted it. And Congratulations to the both of you for his promotion and THANK YOU for your service!
It's definitely an interesting idea about autonomy and what I had really wanted the discussion to be about. My husband and I are very different people and we are very separated in most ways. We don't even share or mix friends and our occupations couldn't be more different. One of the gray areas, though, are these successes and failures that we seem to share.suchende|1307117153|2936926 said:HollyS|1307054872|2936493 said:I think though, as has been said, that it depends on the relationship. I know some couples are largely autonomous entities, while others are highly dependent on each other. On the other hand, my stepfather is very dependent on my mother: for domestic things, for advice on workplace politics, just everything. I think they both think his professional successes are theirs, and my stepfather always says he could never do it without her. But, my mother doesn't work anymore and used to work in his field, so that may further distinguish it.
Dreamer_D|1307121296|2936982 said:heraanderson|1307073837|2936702 said:Dreamer_D|1307072181|2936695 said:It might depend on the relationship. But in my marriage, certainly our accomplishments reflect on one another. When I got my PhD, in the author notes of my thesis I thanked my husband for being my inspirtion. My biggest supporter. I could not have done it without him. And he feels the same way about his own accomplishments and my role in them.
I don't think I would go so far as to take credit for his recent promotion. And I don't think he would take credit for my PhD. But the day of my defense, it *was* his day too. Not because he was defending his thesis, but because he was there as a special supporter of me. People made a point of congradulating him, complimenting me to him. Surely this reflects the reality of how marriage is perceived in society -- where one partner's accomplishments reflect on the other. He felt pride when it happened, more than he would have felt if it was a stranger, or even a different family member. That also reflects the substantive differnce between a martial relationship and other relationships, in terms of how partners' outcomes are linked.
So, while I agree the day is not *all* about you, it is about you more than it is about any other person in your husband's life! It is about YOU because the person you love most and are closest with in the world has accomplished something wonderful, and YOU have a role that day to be with him, share his happiness, support him, and show him how happy you are. You have a very important role that day in his life, and even in the ceremony. So I am with you, girl. It is about you. Maybe not in the same way it is about your husband, but in a different and very important way.
Even though I delighted in the idea you would comment on my thread, I braced for a second in the event that you were going to give me the "it's not all about you". I've sort of been thinking in circles because on one hand, I am sharing this accomplishment and yet how can I do that if I'm not taking credit? I think you explained the very scenario I'm experiencing. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
hee hee.
I do agree with others who said the whole "mom thing" is another issue though. I would likely have been peeved too if she was nagging about taking pictures so she could show them off to friends. But, maybe she just feels about you the same way you feel about your husband?
heraanderson|1307122351|2936993 said:Guilty Pleasure|1307086929|2936766 said:As a military spouse, few things irk me more than a wife who tries to wear her husband's rank. Puh-lease lady (not directed at original poster, but at spouses in general), your husband may outrank my husband, but last time I checked, I'm not in the Navy. I treat all people with courtesy and kind regard, regardless of their station. I would quickly walk away from any spouses' club that treated spouses according to their husbands' ranks, whether I am a Lieutenant Commander's wife now or the skipper's wife in the future.
That being said, this is most certainly a day that you should enjoy to the fullest! Wives pin on that new rank as a symbol of the sacrifice and support they give their husbands, who most definitely could not pursue their chosen career AND raise a family without an incredible partner in marriage. Being a military spouse IS different than being the wife of another occupation because in every other field, there is a choice - to move or not to move, who's career is more important, etc. In the military, rarely is a choice given, and it is up to the spouse to keep the family together, moving around the country or overseas, often alone with the children. A person in the military cannot decide that moving won't really work for them and quit (they'll be sent to military prison), and the spouse has to accept that.
Finally, who cares who's day it is? IF you don't want to take pictures, then don't! This isn't about who's day it is. Unless your husband cares about having a picture, why should you feel the need to cart around a camera if you don't want to? I don't even take pictures at weddings anymore, and it certainly isn't because I think the day is about me! I just don't feel like interrupting a good time to snap photos that I won't miss. That's what photographers are for!
It's funny because I have never actually seen any military wives do that but I can certainly imagine it and that would irk me too. I don't really get involved in too much military stuff. I go to functions every once in a while and I have one military wife that is a friend but our husbands are very different in rank, we don't treat each other any differently.
We definitely enjoyed the day and then went out to dinner. I'm not a huge fan of taking pictures either. I'll take a few but I like to be part of the good time also.
Hello ladies,
I’m happy that my husband made rank!! But feeling down becasuse he didn’t invite me for the ceremony and also he didn’t ask me to pin him! Which I find weird and when I asked about it he excuse himself saying that he don’t want me to go because people “his coworkers” will be talking bad, and an appropriate about me or about us! And that no one wish us good ext. So I told him that we shouldn’t care about what others says, we should do what we like. Anyway he got upset and he said this promotion Doesn’t mean a lot to him!!
As an active navy spouse I do think I should be included in those kind of events, I’m really sad about this, my husband doesn’t want me to go to his ship or get in contact with any navy spouse, I feel like left out. Has anyone experience something like that before? Any recommendations or advice?