your thoughts?

[inflorescence]

I had that "fear of commitment". I was something of a party girl in college, didn't meet DH until halfway through my last year and from the beginning it was *different*. He told me he knew I was the "one" after about a year together.. and I worried about him proposing before I was ready, because though I loved him and could imagine happily being with him for the rest of my life, I wasn't ready to sign, seal, and deliver on those fantasies.

It really, truly had nothing to do with him.

I'm eternally grateful that he didn't push it, let me take my time and figure out what I needed to do for myself, with myself. If he'd been harping on rings, diamonds, thinking about every vacation we took as a proposal opportunity - I'd have split right quick, I know that. Obviously he knew that too.

Some people really do just need to be permitted to enjoy the now of the relationship without being bombarded with The Future - and not just men. Especially if both partners are young - we were engaged at 22, married at 24, there was no rush..

What bothers me is the late 30's man who feels like he still has "oats" to sow and needs to feel "free"... whatever that is.

hahahahaha..... OATS....
I know so so so many men like this who are mid 30's lurking at the bars impressing young girls because they have a paycheque to waste... of course they are attracted to them like flies on sh!t. I find it interesting that there isn't red flags going off for them... these guys are 35+ at the bar EVERY weekend... getting drunk every weekend is a pathetic idea of "free"....

 

[inflorescence]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

But honestly, I think every person has their own reasons for wanting or not wanting to get married and every situation is different. I don't think men were so reluctant to get married before couples started living together.

Why on earth would this be true? BF and are are moving in together when our leases and up and will save around $700/mo each in the process.

Because after you plan the wedding and honeymoon ($$$), the reality of "married life" kicks in. Most (not all) married women want a house, children, furniture, college education funds, etc. —— all the things that represent being settled down for the rest of your lives.

And you may disagree but I live mostly around married people who live in houses, have mortgages, children, cars, are saving for college, and worry about jobs.

Disagree? Absolutely not-Isn't that becoming an adult? I mean, it doesn't need to be a "house"- but a space that is comfortable and makes you happy- not necessarily with mortgage in tow. Children/college funds... isn't this all discussed beforehand? And why does it need to be all or nothing? Shouldn't this be an exciting time? My bf is excited about the engagement/wedding part but more than anything he's excited about being married and moving to that next stage in life. People who have "fear of commitment" or moving on- I don't get it. Is it cause I'm a woman? I know women who are afraid of being married and "not having sex with anyone else for the rest of their life"- and I don't get that either. It's like, grow up!! And that's what I want to say to those men who have been with their gf's for 5,10,15,20 years, who say "I love you, I can't image being without you... but I'm not ready to "commit"... GROW UP!! If she's not the one... let her go!! Otherwise, grow up and take a chance!! Sorry for the rant... I have plenty of gf's who's sig others dangle the carrot in front of them. "When you have a job, when you have enough in the bank, when we're both XX age, excuse, excuse, excuse" Just grow up. And listen, I absolutely understand wanting to be more stable or wanting to be in a better place financially, but then once you've done that- move forward! It's those men who use ANY and EVERY excuse to prolong the inevitable... get it over with... do it or don't... my two cents!

excellent rant, I agree

 

[suchende]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

I should give them my text book to read.. people have more sex when married compared to cohabiting/dating relationships.

I think they are just scared to share finances....

My bf wants me to get accepted to dental school first (99.9% sure).... not like I don't have enough pressure on my shoulders trying to get in... *sigh*. I feel like I need to be good enough for him/his family (not that he directly says it)... cause they place a HUGE emphasis on education.....they always rank people on how many titles they have in their name ...I am an incredible person and it frustrates me that I NEED a paper to prove it.... ..... guess his CEO parents want to make sure I have my own $$$....
It's a little bit of a pain in the butt because we are traveling right now while I am in school and if decide to go out one night instead of studying he mentions the DAT/ dental school....... blah....... what happened to all the fun?!?

I get the "I want to enjoy this time now together, I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.... but lets finish this trip first" Won't you always be enjoying time together with me?!?! We have been through alot and we know each other inside and out..... I almost feel like we are married without the ring so what would be the advantage of him putting a ring on my finger for him?
I feel extra vulnerable because I have made huge sacrifices/decisions: I will be moving to another city (where he is from), changing schools... I left my really sweet job and had an abortion (I know everyone has different views on this topic, it is something very emotional for me and I am not happy with my decision. While he thinks it was the right choice.).... but yet he has everything in place for him... where is his commitment to me?

I am sorry to hear you feel his commitment is contingent on your academic success. That's hard. And, in fact, I think you'll resent him for it, whether you are or aren't successful. Have you told him you feel this way? Maybe if he can make you feel like his love isn't contingent on things outside your control before you get those acceptance letters, you can head off longterm resentment.

 

[sctsbride09]

Sweetpepsigirl- Im going to try to say this in the nicest way possible. I usually dont frequent LIW, but I had to post because your last post just made me angry. Your bf is putting all this pressure/demands on you before he deems you good enough to marry, but he has no problem making you uproot your life/school for HIM? Why do you have to jump through all these hoops for him and his parents? His parents opinions on your schooling/education should have NOTHING to do with when you get married. HE is the one possibly marrying you not his mommy and daddy. And yes, you are a good person, a piece of paper doesnt make you one. Im sorry this is scattered Im just so offended for you, and you seem very sweet.

To answer the original question, (after my thread jack, sorry), I agree with all the other women who said that its because he doesnt believe she is the one. IMO of course.

 

[confusedaisy]

Sweetpepsigirl- Im going to try to say this in the nicest way possible. I usually dont frequent LIW, but I had to post because your last post just made me angry. Your bf is putting all this pressure/demands on you before he deems you good enough to marry, but he has no problem making you uproot your life/school for HIM? Why do you have to jump through all these hoops for him and his parents? His parents opinions on your schooling/education should have NOTHING to do with when you get married. HE is the one possibly marrying you not his mommy and daddy. And yes, you are a good person, a piece of paper doesnt make you one. Im sorry this is scattered Im just so offended for you, and you seem very sweet.

I agree with everything scts said.

I've followed your story a bit and agree- you do seem very sweet. His remarks make me upset and to second what suchende said, I believe you may grow to resent him for that- I know I would. I agree that you should discuss this with him because I find his statements extremely unacceptable. HUGS! You can't be feeling too happy about all of this!! Sending you happy vibes for the weekend!

 

[iheartscience]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

I should give them my text book to read.. people have more sex when married compared to cohabiting/dating relationships.

I think they are just scared to share finances....

My bf wants me to get accepted to dental school first (99.9% sure).... not like I don't have enough pressure on my shoulders trying to get in... *sigh*. I feel like I need to be good enough for him/his family (not that he directly says it)... cause they place a HUGE emphasis on education.....they always rank people on how many titles they have in their name ...I am an incredible person and it frustrates me that I NEED a paper to prove it.... ..... guess his CEO parents want to make sure I have my own $$$....
It's a little bit of a pain in the butt because we are traveling right now while I am in school and if decide to go out one night instead of studying he mentions the DAT/ dental school....... blah....... what happened to all the fun?!?

I get the "I want to enjoy this time now together, I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.... but lets finish this trip first" Won't you always be enjoying time together with me?!?! We have been through alot and we know each other inside and out..... I almost feel like we are married without the ring so what would be the advantage of him putting a ring on my finger for him?
I feel extra vulnerable because I have made huge sacrifices/decisions: I will be moving to another city (where he is from), changing schools... I left my really sweet job and had an abortion (I know everyone has different views on this topic, it is something very emotional for me and I am not happy with my decision. While he thinks it was the right choice.).... but yet he has everything in place for him... where is his commitment to me?

Why are you making all of these sacrifices for him when he's not making any for you? Honestly, it seems like this is exactly the type of situation where the woman NEVER gets proposed to even after giving everything up and jumping through all the hoops the man holds up for her. If you don't want to do any of the things you're doing for him, DON'T DO THEM.

And you 100% should not move to another city for him without a ring on your finger.

Edited for clarity, twice!

 

[suchende]

The only thing that gives me pause is, do you interpret it as conditional (I'll propose IF you get into dental school) when maybe he means something else (when we know where we'll be living next year and are a bit more settled, it will be a good time to propose)? That's why I think you should be really honest about how it's making you feel. He may not see the connection, obvious though it is to you.

 

[Anonymous]

SweetPepsiGirl - I don't want to overstep my bounds here, but the fact that he pushed you into having an abortion just pisses me off. I'm sorry, I know I should just butt out if I don't have anything helpful or constructive to say...and I'm just going to stop there. I had more written but it's just not helpful. The only thing I'll add is that I STRONGLY suggest you go talk to someone about the position you're in. *hugs*

 

[inflorescence]

SweetPepsiGirl - I don't want to overstep my bounds here, but the fact that he pushed you into having an abortion just pisses me off. I'm sorry, I know I should just butt out if I don't have anything helpful or constructive to say...and I'm just going to stop there. I had more written but it's just not helpful. The only thing I'll add is that I STRONGLY suggest you go talk to someone about the position you're in. *hugs*

I don't really have anyone to talk to... I went to a counselor for a good 4 months (every week)..and she suggested I continue to see someone.. but I am living in a Muslim country now.. not really a good situation for talking.. plus most people do not speak english. Unfortunately my family are all hardcore catholic except for me and I would be disowned from my family if they knew the circumstances I was in...... It upsets me too, especially because I wanted to adopt... but he would not agree with it.. he couldnt live with someone else raising his child... yet now I cannot live with what I did. I have brought this topic up with him a few times.. but it is not easy...both of us end up crying and I never find my point in that mindset.... it's something I will always have to live with....

 

[inflorescence]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

I should give them my text book to read.. people have more sex when married compared to cohabiting/dating relationships.

I think they are just scared to share finances....

My bf wants me to get accepted to dental school first (99.9% sure).... not like I don't have enough pressure on my shoulders trying to get in... *sigh*. I feel like I need to be good enough for him/his family (not that he directly says it)... cause they place a HUGE emphasis on education.....they always rank people on how many titles they have in their name ...I am an incredible person and it frustrates me that I NEED a paper to prove it.... ..... guess his CEO parents want to make sure I have my own $$$....
It's a little bit of a pain in the butt because we are traveling right now while I am in school and if decide to go out one night instead of studying he mentions the DAT/ dental school....... blah....... what happened to all the fun?!?

I get the "I want to enjoy this time now together, I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.... but lets finish this trip first" Won't you always be enjoying time together with me?!?! We have been through alot and we know each other inside and out..... I almost feel like we are married without the ring so what would be the advantage of him putting a ring on my finger for him?
I feel extra vulnerable because I have made huge sacrifices/decisions: I will be moving to another city (where he is from), changing schools... I left my really sweet job and had an abortion (I know everyone has different views on this topic, it is something very emotional for me and I am not happy with my decision. While he thinks it was the right choice.).... but yet he has everything in place for him... where is his commitment to me?

Why are you making all of these sacrifices for him when he's not making any for you? Honestly, it seems like this is exactly the type of situation where the woman NEVER gets proposed to even after giving everything up and jumping through all the hoops the man holds up for her. If you don't want to do any of the things you're doing for him, DON'T DO THEM.

And you 100% should not move to another city for him without a ring on your finger.

Edited for clarity, twice!

No edit necessary.. .tell me the dirt straight up. It wont offend me, trust me.
I'm making these sacrifices because I love him...and i truly believe his word when he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.. I just wish there was something more concrete to show me. I am heading back to my city when we are done traveling and he will go to his city for a few weeks to study for his bar exam.. im not an ultimatum type but I feel that I need to say I will not move in unless he shows me a higher level of commitment... I plan on applying to the university where my parents live to finish my degree as a backup.. i need to protect my ass... if he wants me he will work for it.....if not at least my life will not be shattered.

I will resent him if I move, and I agree I want a ring before I move.. I promised myself last time I moved with a man who I was not engaged with that I would NEVER do it again.. and hear I am.......

 

[iheartscience]

They hear their married friends tell them that once you get married the sex slows down and bills go up.

I should give them my text book to read.. people have more sex when married compared to cohabiting/dating relationships.

I think they are just scared to share finances....

My bf wants me to get accepted to dental school first (99.9% sure).... not like I don't have enough pressure on my shoulders trying to get in... *sigh*. I feel like I need to be good enough for him/his family (not that he directly says it)... cause they place a HUGE emphasis on education.....they always rank people on how many titles they have in their name ...I am an incredible person and it frustrates me that I NEED a paper to prove it.... ..... guess his CEO parents want to make sure I have my own $$$....
It's a little bit of a pain in the butt because we are traveling right now while I am in school and if decide to go out one night instead of studying he mentions the DAT/ dental school....... blah....... what happened to all the fun?!?

I get the "I want to enjoy this time now together, I do want to spend the rest of my life with you.... but lets finish this trip first" Won't you always be enjoying time together with me?!?! We have been through alot and we know each other inside and out..... I almost feel like we are married without the ring so what would be the advantage of him putting a ring on my finger for him?
I feel extra vulnerable because I have made huge sacrifices/decisions: I will be moving to another city (where he is from), changing schools... I left my really sweet job and had an abortion (I know everyone has different views on this topic, it is something very emotional for me and I am not happy with my decision. While he thinks it was the right choice.).... but yet he has everything in place for him... where is his commitment to me?

Why are you making all of these sacrifices for him when he's not making any for you? Honestly, it seems like this is exactly the type of situation where the woman NEVER gets proposed to even after giving everything up and jumping through all the hoops the man holds up for her. If you don't want to do any of the things you're doing for him, DON'T DO THEM.

And you 100% should not move to another city for him without a ring on your finger.

Edited for clarity, twice!

No edit necessary.. .tell me the dirt straight up. It wont offend me, trust me.
I'm making these sacrifices because I love him...and i truly believe his word when he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.. I just wish there was something more concrete to show me. I am heading back to my city when we are done traveling and he will go to his city for a few weeks to study for his bar exam.. im not an ultimatum type but I feel that I need to say I will not move in unless he shows me a higher level of commitment... I plan on applying to the university where my parents live to finish my degree as a backup.. i need to protect my a$$... if he wants me he will work for it.....if not at least my life will not be shattered.

I will resent him if I move, and I agree I want a ring before I move.. I promised myself last time I moved with a man who I was not engaged with that I would NEVER do it again.. and hear I am.......

I edited for clarity, not content.

He's making you work for an engagement, which is really not normal or healthy, in my opinion. From your posts it sounds like you know this relationship isn't healthy but you're staying in it anyway. Why?

Counseling sounds like the best thing you could do for yourself, and I hope you'll go back to counseling when you return to your native country. A counselor will be able to help you figure out why you're willing to sacrifice so much and not get anything in return.

 

[Indylady]

Sweetpepsi, you are selling yourself short.

What country are you in? Chances are, there is an American Center or at least an American Embassy that will be able to point you towards a good counselor.

I have to run, but I'll be back. Lots and lots of hugs.

 

[inflorescence]

Sweetpepsi, you are selling yourself short.

What country are you in? Chances are, there is an American Center or at least an American Embassy that will be able to point you towards a good counselor.

I have to run, but I'll be back. Lots and lots of hugs.

I'm in Turkey, not an easy place to find an English speaking counselor... I will take a look though, thank you for your advice and hugs.

 

[Indylady]

It makes me really angry that your guy seems to be waiting for you to prove yourself to him; in the meantime, you get to make sacrifices for him right and left.

How does that make any sense?

No, no, no. Please, take the time to re-evaluate your relationship. I'm really infuriated for you. A future dentist doesn't need SO to tell her when to study. Your SO is marrying a person, not a degree or a status symbol. Are you happy? Do you often feel pressured by your SO? These aren't questions you have to answer here, but if I were you, I would take some time to write out how I'm feeling. Sometimes, it helps me to re-read what I've written as if my friend were telling me the story, and I imagine how I would feel for her and what I would say. Usually, we're willing to make more sacrifices and more pain that we're willing to let our close friends or family take; trying to imagine your best friend going through the same thing can be a huge perspective changer.