Ring purchased... but don't want to get married.

[seaurchin]

Oh my. It has gotten complicated. Personally, I would go get that ring out of his sock drawer right now and put it on mah paw.

Then comes the important part, taking pics of the ring and posting them here so we can see it.

 

[arkieb1]

You bought the ring for yourself without really asking his opinion, before he was legally divorced. So wear it proudly as a right hand ring, tell him it's your ring and it's just that - a ring that at this point in time doesn't signify anything on that hand other than you like wearing jewellery and if at any point in the future things change he can then ask you to wear it on your left hand instead. And if he isn't comfortable or happy doing than then you at least get to wear the ring.

Maybe, for example, he did want to propose to you one day, now, by buying the ring, you have undermined any situation where he might have done that. The whole mess is a lack of communication that is all.

 

[rockhoundofficiando]

Agree, wear the right you bought yourself now as a right hand ring. Sounds like neither of you is 100% interested in marrying the other. Plus I think you will get side eye if you wear an engagement type ring on your left hand now as he is actually still married to someone else...

 

[Grymera]

After reading your thread, two things stuck out to me: 1) the ring doesn't feel "right" to you or your SO and 2) you and your SO love each other and want to stay together, marriage or not. IMO I'd reset your diamond with a colored stone as a toi et moi (à la Jackie Kennedy) ring. You could pick something delicious like a forest green tsavorite garnet (and not too expensive, to boot!) to pair with it. I think the sentimentality of "you and me" could be so apt for your relationship. And if your in-laws are squawking at you about it, you can just say that you bought the ring originally, and then COVID happened, and it just didn't feel the same anymore. As a bonus, sourcing a gemstone and resetting will take some time, and perhaps your SO will change his mind on presenting you with a ring once some progress is made on the divorce and it feels more "real" to him.

 

[bludiva]

After reading your thread, two things stuck out to me: 1) the ring doesn't feel "right" to you or your SO and 2) you and your SO love each other and want to stay together, marriage or not. IMO I'd reset your diamond with a colored stone as a toi et moi (à la Jackie Kennedy) ring. You could pick something delicious like a forest green tsavorite garnet (and not too expensive, to boot!) to pair with it. I think the sentimentality of "you and me" could be so apt for your relationship. And if your in-laws are squawking at you about it, you can just say that you bought the ring originally, and then COVID happened, and it just didn't feel the same anymore. As a bonus, sourcing a gemstone and resetting will take some time, and perhaps your SO will change his mind on presenting you with a ring once some progress is made on the divorce and it feels more "real" to him.

that's a lovely idea. op you could gift yourself with a birthstone or just a beautiful colored stone you admire and it'll have lots of meaning without jumping out at others as engagement-y. good luck

 

[seaurchin]

Now I feel like I missed something. Let me try again.

So, he agreed for her to get the ring. Along with that, I assume he intended for her to WEAR the ring. But then instead of wearing it, she gave it to him and told him to "Give it to her when he was ready." Now the ring sits in his drawer and seems to have been forgotten about.

Also, these two already live together. She doesn't want to get legally married any time soon but already considers him her husband. There's also some possible embarrassment or potential for awkward questions because others know the ring was purchased but will notice that the ring is not worn.

His divorce is not final but that seems just a technicality since that marriage is obviously in the past.

So why not just wear the ring, ON the engagement ring finger?

IF the issue is that you want him to formally ask you to wear it, a sort of almost-proposal, with the ring a sort of "commitment" ring, then I think you will probably just have to tell him that.
Sometimes guys just need to be told or they won't get it. I am confused myself, to be honest, because I think of a "proposal" as a request to legally, formally, marry someone, which it seems you do not want. So it sounds to me like a simple miscommunication.

Or did I miss the point somehow?

If it helps, I've known couples who called themselves "engaged" and "fiancees" for years, lived together for years, and had no intention of getting legally married. It's a way to define a more unconventional relationship to others in a way they can easily understand, presents both partners to the world as "taken," and cuts down on the nosey questions.

 

[two_little_birds]

Now I feel like I missed something. Let me try again.

So, he agreed for her to get the ring. Along with that, I assume he intended for her to WEAR the ring. But then instead of wearing it, she gave it to him and told him to "Give it to her when he was ready." Now the ring sits in his drawer and seems to have been forgotten about.

Also, these two already live together. She doesn't want to get legally married any time soon but already considers him her husband. There's also some possible embarrassment or potential for awkward questions because others know the ring was purchased but will notice that the ring is not worn.

His divorce is not final but that seems just a technicality since that marriage is obviously in the past.

So why not just wear the ring, ON the engagement ring finger?

IF the issue is that you want him to formally ask you to wear it, a sort of almost-proposal, with the ring a sort of "commitment" ring, then I think you will probably just have to tell him that.
Sometimes guys just need to be told or they won't get it. I am confused myself, to be honest, because I think of a "proposal" as a request to legally, formally, marry someone, which it seems you do not want. So it sounds to me like a simple miscommunication.

Or did I miss the point somehow?

If it helps, I've known couples who called themselves "engaged" and "fiancees" for years, lived together for years, and had no intention of getting legally married. It's a way to define a more unconventional relationship to others in a way they can easily understand, presents both partners to the world as "taken," and cuts down on the nosey questions.

You got it bang on! We purchased and agreed to the ring together... I didn’t realize he wanted to marry me though (as he knows my thoughts on this) and I was looking for more of a commitment-type ring. A “spend your life with me” type of ring, without the sole intent or marriage.

IMO it’s totally a miscommunication - but in his eyes he won’t give me the ring or let me wear it without being “officially” divorced first. He never stated any of this though when we purchased the ring, so yeah, it still sits in his sock drawer.

 

[two_little_birds]

You bought the ring for yourself without really asking his opinion, before he was legally divorced.

We purchased and agreed to the ring together.

As for being divorced, he thought the paperwork had been filed at the same time his Separation Agreement had been finalized. It took almost a year before he found out that neither lawyer had done that, so he had to take it upon himself to make sure it was done - but with COVID-19 that has really mucked things up from a timing perspective.

 

[seaurchin]

You got it bang on! We purchased and agreed to the ring together... I didn’t realize he wanted to marry me though (as he knows my thoughts on this) and I was looking for more of a commitment-type ring. A “spend your life with me” type of ring, without the sole intent or marriage.

IMO it’s totally a miscommunication - but in his eyes he won’t give me the ring or let me wear it without being “officially” divorced first. He never stated any of this though when we purchased the ring, so yeah, it still sits in his sock drawer.

Ah okay, I get it now. So, it sounds like he is being very sincere in a way, deciding he doesn't want to "officially" offer you the ring now until he is "officially" free to do so.

Personally, I don't really see what difference it makes since he has, after all, physically moved in with you without being "officially" free. But I guess if it is a sentiment from the heart then him feeling it's the right moment from the heart is important. Except for the unexpected wait, of course.

Hey, I know. He should have to buy you a right hand ring of your choosing in the meantime. Haha.

 

[arkieb1]

We purchased and agreed to the ring together.

As for being divorced, he thought the paperwork had been filed at the same time his Separation Agreement had been finalized. It took almost a year before he found out that neither lawyer had done that, so he had to take it upon himself to make sure it was done - but with COVID-19 that has really mucked things up from a timing perspective.

O.K in that case, it's just a matter of waiting until he feels comfortable for you to wear it. Or you wear it anyway and tell him you don't care about the rest, it's totally up to you...

 

[two_little_birds]

Just a quick update...

So I've been feeling very indifferent to the ring lately, like what's the point? Maybe I should just sell it?

We purchased it from a well known vendor here and I'm a little embarrassed that I can't even give credit where credit is due. I'm also embarrassed that my brother and ex in-laws know about it but also know I don't have it/wear it.

I tagged him recently in a FB post about wills, and I've mentioned it numerous times too. Like what is holding him back? He said he wants a life with me but he seems more concerned about what others will think (more so because it's going to take at least another year for his divorce paperwork to go through the courts). We already live like we're married and have been for over a year.

 

[seaurchin]

To me, it doesn't make sense that he's worried about what other people will think if you have an engagement ring on your finger while he's still married but not worried about what other people will think about him living with you while he's still married.

Do you think he's had a change of heart?

I think living together definitely has its upside and its downside. You do get to see what it's like to actually live with someone before making it official and harder to get out of. On the other hand, it can also allow someone to get too comfortable with keeping their options open indefinitely, while the other partner feels stuck because they've grown more attached. It's especially difficult when children are involved.

Have you considered marriage counseling? It could be a few sessions gets to the bottom of this.

 

[two_little_birds]

But wait... Now I'm confused. I thought you said you didn't want to get married? Do you mean you just want to be engaged at this point or have you changed your mind since your original post a while back? Or maybe I misunderstood.

I don't really want to be engaged or married... I want a commitment. I want him to say " hey baby, let's spend the rest of our lives together". Why can't it be as simple as that?

 

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

It seems like an honest mistake in terms of him not being aware of the divorce status. It also sounds like he has good intentions and wants to be divorced before getting engaged. I'd just be patient and/or ask for a RHR maybe in the form of an eternity, 7, or 5 stone??

 

[seaurchin]

I don't really want to be engaged or married... I want a commitment. I want him to say " hey baby, let's spend the rest of our lives together". Why can't it be as simple as that?

Yeah, I deleted that part of my post because I remembered you saying something like that. (Also edited this post when I realized I repeated things I said in my last post).

I don't think whether you want to formalize/legalize it or not makes any difference as far as the main issue here, though. We can't read his mind, obviously, but it seems his not making the commitment to you after you've made it clear it is what you want, means that he doesn't want to.

 

[Polabowla]

What does he say when you ask him straight out if he wants to spend the rest of your lives together?
Did you ask directly about wearing the ring/making wills etc?
Maybe he just isn't getting the hints?

 

[ThiaChelf]

I feel your pain. My bf and I are not engaged or married. I am legally divorced he is separated. We know we want to be together for the rest of our lives but aren't in any hurry. We are middle aged with grown children, none of whom live with us.

I love diamonds like all of us here....and so when i started to get the itch for a ring I bought one myself lol. Now I have several, all of which I bought because 1. I can and 2. I won't pressure him ever. Don't get me wrong if he bought me a ring and or proposed I would accept. But his ex pushed him and I won't do that.

My rings are for the most part solitaires. Ita that if it were me I'd wear the ring. I would also have further discussion with the bf about the situation. I wish you the best and hope you get to wear it soon.

 

[seaurchin]

General post here. I think sometimes you just have to look out for yourself.

Nobody is forced to get married (or similar commitment).

But nobody is obligated to stick around without a commitment, either.

Sometimes people won't say things straight out, because they don't want to hurt the other person and/or because they want the convenience of keeping that person around until they are ready to move on.

I don't know about ultimatums, though. I think it's well within someone's rights to give one. But if you have to give one, that already kinda tells you something.

 

[MollyMalone]

A couple of thoughts:
* I don't know how long he had been separated when you met now-almost-4-years ago, but the reasons(s) that he did not initiate filing the divorce paperwork until March of this year could provide insight for you. Would you say that he ordinarily is a man who is very "deliberate" in his actions, doesn't rush into things, perhaps especially those that have legal consequences. Of course, there may be other reasons for the long lapse of time. E.g., he was reluctant to be the "bad guy" (especially because of the kids) by being the one to initiate the divorce proceeding (and therefore be denominated as the official terminator of the marriage), so was hoping his wife would be the plaintiff? Protracted, but active, negotiations re child support, legal custody, etc? Did he share the reasons with you? Please don't feel obliged to answer; I'm just thinking aloud.

* I'm wondering if the fact that you didn't slip the ring onto your finger with a big smile and thanks when it arrived somehow changed the dynamic for him. You'd explained why you'd love a ring & he gave you the green light to purchase one that captured your fancy, with no indication at that time that he wouldn't want you to wear it. So maybe he was taken aback that you gave the ring to him to put away "until he was ready" and for whatever reasons, that made him uncomfortable.

* Since communication about intimate (emotionally personal) matters doesn't come easy to you two (e.g., you recently tagging him on a Facebook page about wills; he may have perceived that as evidence you're banking on him to ensure your financial future, but it doesn't seem that was your reason for tugging on his sleeve in that way), what would you think of proposing that you two engage in some kind of couple's counseling to facilitate communication now & develop the tools best suited for you two going forward? Don't be fearful that this would mean sessions spanning countless months -- I'm not thinking of the stereotype of psychoanalysis!

The husband of one of my best friends is a psychologist who works mostly with couples, and he's found that virtual sessions, because of the COVID-19 pandemic, are easier for him and his patients than anticipated. And with virtual sessions, you aren't limited to professionals only in your immediate geographic area, so it's actually easier to "shop around," if need be (be prepared for the possibility that the first one you meet with may not be a good fit); plus, you can access professionals in a later time zone, if that would be more convenient for your schedules.

Wishing you all the best!

 

[two_little_birds]

* I don't know how long he had been separated when you met now-almost-4-years ago, but the reasons(s) that he did not initiate filing the divorce paperwork until March of this year could provide insight for you. Would you say that he ordinarily is a man who is very "deliberate" in his actions, doesn't rush into things, perhaps especially those that have legal consequences. Of course, there may be other reasons for the long lapse of time. E.g., he was reluctant to be the "bad guy" (especially because of the kids) by being the one to initiate the divorce proceeding (and therefore be denominated as the official terminator of the marriage), so was hoping his wife would be the plaintiff? Protracted, but active, negotiations re child support, legal custody, etc? Did he share the reasons with you? Please don't feel obliged to answer; I'm just thinking aloud.

We met in March of 2017 and he had been separated from his wife for almost a year. He honestly thought the divorce was filed as part of his Separation Agreement which was finalized in 2018. It wasn't until more than a year later that he found out his lawyer hadn't filed it. Then COVID hit and now he's faced with a 1+ year long wait for the paperwork to be pushed through the system. Nothing is being contested, it's a simple matter of waiting for the paperwork to be processed.

* I'm wondering if the fact that you didn't slip the ring onto your finger with a big smile and thanks when it arrived somehow changed the dynamic for him. You'd explained why you'd love a ring & he gave you the green light to purchase one that captured your fancy, with no indication at that time that he wouldn't want you to wear it. So maybe he was taken aback that you gave the ring to him to put away "until he was ready" and for whatever reasons, that made him uncomfortable.

Perhaps but I don't think so. We discussed him presenting the ring to me, but I never expected a proposal. Maybe I wasn't clear enough though?

* Since communication about intimate (emotionally personal) matters doesn't come easy to you two (e.g., you recently tagging him on a Facebook page about wills; he may have perceived that as evidence you're banking on him to ensure your financial future, but it doesn't seem that was your reason for tugging on his sleeve in that way), what would you think of proposing that you two engage in some kind of couple's counseling to facilitate communication now & develop the tools best suited for you two going forward? Don't be fearful that this would mean sessions spanning countless months -- I'm not thinking of the stereotype of psychoanalysis!

Haha, I'm the breadwinner in our relationship. If anything I want to make sure we're both protected equally. Having both been through a divorce before we know it's not fun. We talk openly about retiring together in the next 10 years or so, have a joint bank account, share expenses equally (for the most part), both names on the mortgage, insurance, etc. etc. He's never had a will before whereas I have, I'm not sure he understands the importance of one. Further discussion is needed.

The husband of one of my best friends is a psychologist who works mostly with couples, and he's found that virtual sessions, because of the COVID-19 pandemic, are easier for him and his patients than anticipated. And with virtual sessions, you aren't limited to professionals only in your immediate geographic area, so it's actually easier to "shop around," if need be (be prepared for the possibility that the first one you meet with may not be a good fit); plus, you can access professionals in a later time zone, if that would be more convenient for your schedules.

Yup, and we're both lucky enough to have amazing benefits that cover therapy sessions; like you said though, I think we need to spend some time finding the right fit. I'm far more open in communication that he is, I honestly have to drag most things out of him. He's the same with his kids, he's very "lax" and doesn't want to create conflict.

 

[two_little_birds]

I don't know about ultimatums, though. I think it's well within someone's rights to give one. But if you have to give one, that already kinda tells you something.

I would never give an ultimatum. I don't believe in them, and life you said... you typically already know the answer.

 

[two_little_birds]

OK so I finally got him to open up.

He said he wants to wait until his divorce is processed through the courts, which in all honestly will probably take another year thanks to the backlog created by COVID-19 and the courts being closed.

I asked if it was because he's worried about what people will think and he said "no". It has more to do with him, and having a clean slate. I respect that.

We also talked about the fact that I don't necessarily want him to propose, and that I'm unsure whether I ever want to get married again. He's OK with that, but I know deep down he wants to get married otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to purchase the ring.

So I'm now at the mercy of the courts. LOL tick tick tick... time's a wasting.

 

[ThiaChelf]

sounds

OK so I finally got him to open up.

He said he wants to wait until his divorce is processed through the courts, which in all honestly will probably take another year thanks to the backlog created by COVID-19 and the courts being closed.

I asked if it was because he's worried about what people will think and he said "no". It has more to do with him, and having a clean slate. I respect that.

We also talked about the fact that I don't necessarily want him to propose, and that I'm unsure whether I ever want to get married again. He's OK with that, but I know deep down he wants to get married otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to purchase the ring.

So I'm now at the mercy of the courts. LOL tick tick tick... time's a wasting.

Sounds like you had a good conversation.

 

[two_little_birds]

Signing off on ours wills tomorrow too. This is all a step in the right direction.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Signing off on ours wills tomorrow too. This is all a step in the right direction.

Maybe if the moment is right on the way home you could ask about the ring

 

[GliderPoss]

He said it would "feel wrong" giving it to me now since he's not divorced yet.

I have to say, as someone recently divorced I agree with this sentiment. Sometimes it's just about mentally drawing a line in the sand and being ready to move forward. I wouldn't even consider dating until my divorce was finalised, it just "felt wrong" and that's totally ok. I'm glad you had the chat together and resolved it.

 

[two_little_birds]

Update...

I am now engaged (as of December 14th).

Long story short I was completely shocked and taken aback by Rob's proposal this past Monday. We were visiting Niagara Falls (Canada) for a short 1-night stay and as he'd never been to the Niagara Butterfly Conservatory I said we should go (I've been before with my kids). As the are closed on Tuesday's and only open until 5pm the rest of the week we decided to drive directly there before even checking into our hotel. Upon arrival we weren't even sure it was open; there were very few cars in the parking lot and not a soul to be seen. We decided to check and low and behold it was indeed open, so away we went. Purchased our tickets and walked right in, again no one other than employees and one other couple with a child were there (it was eerily quiet). We started checking out all the amazing species of butterflies fluttering around everywhere and it was so pretty. I told Rob to be careful to watch his steps as you can also mistakenly step on them as you walk around the indoor gardens. About halfway through he asked to take a photo of me sitting on a rock and I said "sure". He then proceeded to get down on one knee and pulled out the ring box. I was literally in shock, I think saying "are you serious?" more than once. Then I just started to cry and couldn't stop, and honestly everything was a blur. I *think* he said "will you do me the honour of saying yes?" or something along those lines... honestly after the first little bit I didn't really catch anything thereafter. So after what seemed like minutes, I finally said "yes" and he put the ring on. I have NEVER been so surprised or shocked, honestly it was the sweetest and most romantic moment of my life; I don't think he even knows the extent of it. I love him beyond words, he's MY person and I can't imagine life without him. This will forever be a special moment for the two of us, and I will never look at a butterfly again without feeling joy.

The 2nd picture is right before he dropped to one knee. I had no make-on on, hair not done, dressed in casuals and had just broken a nail that morning. LOL

 

[ThiaChelf]

Congratulations! How romantic, and your ring is beautiful!

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Update...

I am now engaged (as of December 14th).

Long story short I was completely shocked and taken aback by Rob's proposal this past Monday. We were visiting Niagara Falls (Canada) for a short 1-night stay and as he'd never been to the Niagara Butterfly Conservatory I said we should go (I've been before with my kids). As the are closed on Tuesday's and only open until 5pm the rest of the week we decided to drive directly there before even checking into our hotel. Upon arrival we weren't even sure it was open; there were very few cars in the parking lot and not a soul to be seen. We decided to check and low and behold it was indeed open, so away we went. Purchased our tickets and walked right in, again no one other than employees and one other couple with a child were there (it was eerily quiet). We started checking out all the amazing species of butterflies fluttering around everywhere and it was so pretty. I told Rob to be careful to watch his steps as you can also mistakenly step on them as you walk around the indoor gardens. About halfway through he asked to take a photo of me sitting on a rock and I said "sure". He then proceeded to get down on one knee and pulled out the ring box. I was literally in shock, I think saying "are you serious?" more than once. Then I just started to cry and couldn't stop, and honestly everything was a blur. I *think* he said "will you do me the honour of saying yes?" or something along those lines... honestly after the first little bit I didn't really catch anything thereafter. So after what seemed like minutes, I finally said "yes" and he put the ring on. I have NEVER been so surprised or shocked, honestly it was the sweetest and most romantic moment of my life; I don't think he even knows the extent of it. I love him beyond words, he's MY person and I can't imagine life without him. This will forever be a special moment for the two of us, and I will never look at a butterfly again without feeling joy.

The 2nd picture is right before he dropped to one knee. I had no make-on on, hair not done, dressed in casuals and had just broken a nail that morning. LOL

Oh wow !!
Everything all worked out beautifully including the butterflies

He must have just been waiting for the perfect moment !
Congratulations and best wishes to you both

 

[elle_71125]

Congratulations to the both of you. I can’t think of anything more romantic than being proposed to among a world of butterflies.