1/3 split--How can FI bring it up..?

[MustangFan]

I want to split the wedding costs into 1/3 I have estimated it costing around $16k without a honeymoon, we will probably have a registry.
I have been informing FI mom about costs, she offered to give us $3k, but I''m trying to come up with a way for FI to tell her what we''re buying, my parents are buying and see if they can contribute alittle more.

I wouldn''t e-mail her this chart, but maybe tell her what we are paying for and tell her what she can contribute to, without bring up costs

A&M (FI Parents)
Church Fee
Officiant fee, site rental, music etc. church programs
$950
Half of reception
Approx
$2650 Bride’s Bouquet and Bride’s Maids, Corsage
$450 Invitations and Thanks You cards
$350 Half of Rehearsal Dinner
$500 Approx:
$4,900.00

S&M (Me and FI)

Rings
Photographer
Cake Topper & Favors
Limo
Tuxedo and
Gifts for attendants Approx: $5,000.00

S&W (My parents)
S&W Dress, Veil and Shoes and alterations
Half of Reception cost
Music –DJ
Decorations
Candles, pictures, card place holders etc. Half of rehearsal Dinner
Video Camera

Approx Total:
$16,000
A honeymoon registery will be designed
1/3 Split of Wedding Costs

 

[neatfreak]

Honestly? I think it''s rude of you to ask her for more if she said she can contribute $3,000.

Unless you KNOW ABSOLUTELY FOR SURE that they can afford more, I wouldn''t ask personally.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/15/2007 4:29:30 PM
Author: neatfreak
Honestly? I think it''s rude of you to ask her for more if she said she can contribute $3,000.

Unless you KNOW ABSOLUTELY FOR SURE that they can afford more, I wouldn''t ask personally.

Ditto. She may have financial commitments or troubles that you are unaware of, and 3k might be her absolute limit and hard for her to afford anyway.

 

[zoebartlett]

Sorry MustangFan, but if your FI''s mom already mentioned that they will contribute a certain amount of money, I don''t think you (or he) should ask for more. If they decide at a later date that they can offer more, that''s great but I definitely wouldn''t seek it out. Accept graciously and maybe cut costs somewhere if needed in order to get the overall cost of the wedding down a bit.

 

[robbie3982]

I agree with everyone else. If she''s already said she''ll contribute $3k, then you should leave it at that and be happy that she''s giving you $3k.

 

[Mandarine]

Hi Mustang..

I''m with the others...I think it is rude...

I''m paying for the whole thing myself (yep, just me!) and I wouldn''t even dream of asking anyone (not even my parents!).

I think it is so nice that they offer to help!. I would try to accommodate to the budget you do have, cut some costs....come up with the things that are truly important and eliminate other expenses that are "nice to have" but not critical to you and FI....DIY some of this stuff (invite, flowers, decor, etc)...

Just my 0.02...

M~

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/15/2007 5:02:37 PM
Author: Mandarine
Hi Mustang..

I'm with the others...I think it is rude...

DITTO!!! It is a gift, not a negotiation...


I'm paying for the whole thing myself (yep, just me!) and I wouldn't even dream of asking anyone (not even my parents!).

Double DITTO!!! It was a struggle for us to save to pay for it, but we did it all ourselves.

I think it is so nice that they offer to help!. I would try to accommodate to the budget you do have, cut some costs....come up with the things that are truly important and eliminate other expenses that are 'nice to have' but not critical to you and FI....DIY some of this stuff (invite, flowers, decor, etc)...

Triple DITTO!!! We decided what we 'had to have' and what we didn't, and how we could creatively solve problems in budgeting that arose.

In the end, they are your parents, and your in-laws, and if you feel comfortable asking them for more $ it is your prerogative of course, but do recognize they may see it as rude. Remember, they are not obligated to pay for 1/3 each, and they may not be able to afford 1/3 of the budget you want.

 

[MustangFan]

Wow okay, I guess I''m in the wrong.. I don''t really appreciate everyone ganging up on me, I don''t think that''s fair, espeically since it was my FI''s idea to ask them and I was trying to figure out a way of doing it nicely. Never once in his life did he ask for his parents help, paid for his own new bicycle at age 10, paid for his first car, they never had to pay for college, and he helped his parents out by buying their house when they wanted to get out for full market value, he gave them extra because it''s his parents!!! and he just wanted them to give a little more ti return the favor which I don''t think is really rude, it''s just asking.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/15/2007 5:30:33 PM
Author: MustangFan
Wow okay, I guess I''m in the wrong.. I don''t really appreciate everyone ganging up on me, I don''t think that''s fair, espeically since it was my FI''s idea to ask them and I was trying to figure out a way of doing it nicely.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa - I hardly think that was ganging up on you. Nobody said, ''you and your FI are selfish #*(#* who should suck it up and pay for your own wedding.'' That would be horribly rude, and BTW not at all what any of us think or intended to say. But we can''t tell you how to ask a question that we think is rude to ask in the first place. Sorry. If you don''t want a truthful answer to the question...better not to ask.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 6/15/2007 5:30:33 PM
Author: MustangFan
Wow okay, I guess I''m in the wrong.. I don''t really appreciate everyone ganging up on me, I don''t think that''s fair, espeically since it was my FI''s idea to ask them and I was trying to figure out a way of doing it nicely. Never once in his life did he ask for his parents help, paid for his own new bicycle at age 10, paid for his first car, they never had to pay for college, and he helped his parents out by buying their house when they wanted to get out for full market value, he gave them extra because it''s his parents!!! and he just wanted them to give a little more ti return the favor which I don''t think is really rude, it''s just asking.

We don''t mean to gang up on you, so I''m sorry if you felt that way, but just remember that she DOES NOT have to offer anything. So $3,000 is a fair amount of $, and she probably is offering it because financially that is what she can offer. We were just trying to point out that it''s not really fair FOR YOU to decide how much she should contribute without knowing her financial situation.

If you REALLY want to ask her, your FI need to do it, not you, and he needs to just ask point blank if they think they could comfortably contribute a bit more.

 

[Mandarine]

Date: 6/15/2007 5:30:33 PM
Author: MustangFan
Wow okay, I guess I''m in the wrong.. I don''t really appreciate everyone ganging up on me, I don''t think that''s fair, espeically since it was my FI''s idea to ask them and I was trying to figure out a way of doing it nicely. Never once in his life did he ask for his parents help, paid for his own new bicycle at age 10, paid for his first car, they never had to pay for college, and he helped his parents out by buying their house when they wanted to get out for full market value, he gave them extra because it''s his parents!!! and he just wanted them to give a little more ti return the favor which I don''t think is really rude, it''s just asking.

We''re not ganging up on you, just being honest...trying to answer the question you posed, sorry if the response sounded rude, I didn''t mean it ina rude way, just in an honest way.

It is your decision...I don''t believe parents owe kids anything....just like kids don''t owe parents anything...no matter what the circumstances. Everyone does what they feel it''s right at the moment.

It''s up to you guys, like FG said, it is your prerogative...only you know how they would take it, we''re all just "by-standers" and can only advice on what we know from our own families!

M~

 

[FireGoddess]

Here. Here's a way for FI to bring it up. Not going to comment further on whether I think it's rude or not. Not my wedding, not my family!!

FI: 'Mom, XXX and I were discussing the wedding budget and have tried to keep to a certain list of things we really desire, and it seems our financial 'bottom line' is more than we had originally thought. Is there any way you would be willing to contribute more $ to our wedding costs?'

 

[MustangFan]

well it''s interupted that way when you use red bold ink and lots of explanation marks. I know it''s hard for everyone and I know firegodness you paid for the whole thing. I didn''t really feel everyone would feel the same way, and that''s why I asked, I didn''t know, not that I wanted people to lie.... that''s all

 

[FireGoddess]

I used RED BOLD INK because I embedded my words into someone else's post. Sheesh.

(ETA: I debated back and forth whether or not to even edit this post, but decided to do so in the end - don't read INTO what people write or how they write it, ESPECIALLY on the web, because it usually ends up getting misinterpreted. This isn't the first or even tenth time I've colored and bolded my words when embedded in other people's posts on PS, so don't think I'm verbally attacking you by doing it. That's far more thought than I put into writing posts on here, trust me.)

 

[Stephanie]

Since you are creating a registry for the honeymoon, are they planning on contributing to that? Or do you know? It's so hard to bring up finances, especially with future in-laws (I find it hard to do with my bf of 8 years!). Maybe just casually mention that the costs are rising and she how she reacts. If she asks for more information, you could bring it up then. If she brushes it off or says that she can't give more, work with some DIY ideas - especailly for decorations, place cards, etc. Things that are not crafty, but the two of you could do together, or with your other bridesmaids. See if she would want to be involved in something like that if it came to cutting costs that way. (That may have come out a little confusing.)

Just thinking out loud. Good luck!

 

[surfgirl]

I'm going to reiterate and elaborate on something I mentioned in another thread earlier today related to brides getting too caught up in the itty bitty details of a wedding...

Nobody owes the bride and groom anything. Not a shower, a bachelor/ette party, gifts, nor money towards the wedding or honeymoon. If your parents have told you already what they can afford to put towards your wedding, that's nice that they're willing to give anything at all (our families cant give anything so consider yourself lucky already!). And I don't think asking for more because you "need" more, is appropriate. And here's where I go back to my earlier post and my perceptions that some brides (I'm not saying you in particular Mustang, but in general), get way too wrapped up in things that really aren't that important. Not only does it get away from the real meaning of the wedding, it can get really expensive as well. So, I think the appropriate thing for any couple to do before planning a wedding is to figure out what their budget is. In this case, one side's giving $3k, the other's giving another amount and you have x dollars to put towards your wedding. I would think that rather than decide how much it all costs and then trying to get family to pay for more than they've committed to, one should be looking at their budget and figuring out what they can afford based on that number, not planning a "dream wedding" and then trying to get more money from family to pay for it. I think that's a more logical and responsible way to plan a wedding. So in your case Mustang, it seems like you know how much your parents and his can contribute, and how much you two can contribute, so perhaps you need to re-think your location, the invites and all the other associated costs and come up with options that fit your budget, rather than the other way around. A wedding isn't something worth going into extreme debt over, IMO...I'll bet that if you go over your list and separate it into "must have" vs. "nice to have" vs. "dont really need at all", you'll be able to stay within your budget and not ask for more money. Or you can postpone your wedding, take on extra jobs and bank what you need for the whole shebang. But I'd hate to see anyone waste that much money on a wedding.

ETA: I just read Stephanie's post and I guess the main gist of my post is that costs shouldn't "be rising". If you have a budget, then that's the budget and you have to work within that, making concessions and adjustments as necessary.

ETA2: I personally wouldn't count on a honeymoon registry. I'm still not sure if it's offensive or not to people. I wouldn't bank on people funding that fully so that's another expense you should probably be planning for, although, if you're not planning on taking a trip immediately after the wedding it doesn't really matter.

 

[Gypsy]

I agree with surfgirl, that you need to work the other way around.. budget first then vendors etc.

With regard to the above. Your flower budget seems to be someplace where you can cut back. Do you mind if I ask what exactly it is you are getting for that money. And maybe we can help you cut a few hundred down from that?


Also your invitations might be another place we can help you find lower cost alternatives. Why don't you post what you have found, and at what price (how many guests) and we'll see if we can silm things down for you.

If your FI wants more money from his parents, you stay entirely out of it. Don't even be in the same vicinity when he approaches them. Leave it all up to him, how he asks, what he says. This is his family, his idea, and his responsibility as a result. Don't get involved. And make sure your FI doesn't mention you in anyway shape or form.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 6/15/2007 4:29:30 PM
Author: neatfreak
Honestly? I think it''s rude of you to ask her for more if she said she can contribute $3,000.


Unless you KNOW ABSOLUTELY FOR SURE that they can afford more, I wouldn''t ask personally.

I didn''t read everyone''s post so I am probably repeating something but even if she can afford it, $3,000 is what she wants to give. DH''s parents only paid for the RD. I think you should be grateful she is giving that much and find another way to pay for the rest. Discussing money is always uncomfortable.

 

[luckystar112]

Hi guys!

I'll admit...I thought you guys were ganging up on her too. I just think things can be said in a way that leaves no room for misinterpretation. For instance, "Hi Mustang. I don't know if it's a good idea for you to bring it up to your FMIL at all. If she can only contribute $3000, you might embaress her by asking for more, not to mention she might think you guys are rude for implying $3000 isn't enough." See...YOU don't think she's rude...her MOTHER IN LAW might though!

Anyway Mustang,
If I were you I would have a meeting with all future in-laws where you guys just casually discuss the wedding without pointing fingers at who isn't contributing enough. I think that I would just show both families what you're hoping to achieve and ask for their help in making it happen...even if some things are DIY. I do think that if your FI's parents have the extra money they are being kind of stingy considering all that your FI has done for them.

I guess that's life.

I can believe some of the costs! Bride bouquet and bm's corsages.....$2650....ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? I really hope that isn't the average or I'll be taking dandelions down the aisle. I bet you can do those yourself with the right instructions! And you're going to spend $5000 on attendant gifts....is that normal? What are you getting them, new washer/dryer sets? lol.

Maybe you can skimp on the DJ too and just use an Ipod and pay a teenager $100 bux or something.

Can you borrow a video camera from someone? Or rent one?

 

[surfgirl]

But luckystar, the whole point of this conversation is to say that it isn''t about "who''s not contributing enough", people dont have to contribute anything. They''ve said what they''re comfortable giving. Unless the FI wants to address it 1:1 with his parents, I dont see why they would have a discussion as it''ll only make both sides feel uncomfortable.

As for over $2600 for a bridal bouquet, BMs bouquets and corsages? That''s crazy talk. Seriously, you can find a good bouquet for $100. That sounds like a crazy price to me, no matter where one lives.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/15/2007 8:04:22 PM
Author: luckystar112
Hi guys!

I'll admit...I thought you guys were ganging up on her too. I just think things can be said in a way that leaves no room for misinterpretation. For instance, 'Hi Mustang. I don't know if it's a good idea for you to bring it up to your FMIL at all. If she can only contribute $3000, you might embaress her by asking for more, not to mention she might think you guys are rude for implying $3000 isn't enough.' See...YOU don't think she's rude...her MOTHER IN LAW might though!

Not on a written page they can't...things can never ENTIRELY leave no room for misinterpretation, because everyone absorbs meaning (and reads into things) differently. It never occurred to me that MF might see my words as an attack, because I only colored and bolded them to separate my words from the post which I quoted. In retrospect can I see where she was coming from? Yes. But if I had said things that agreed with her and they were written in bold and red, would that have been construed as an attack? No. So it all depends on the situation. She could have said, 'yikes, I feel attacked' instead of 'I don't appreciate being attacked.' That would have been less 'attackish' coming from her to those of us being addressed by her post. We can all say things a million different ways, but this place is an outlet for most of us and we don't sit down and pore over every word we write - it's not an English essay, it's just a website.

Anyway, the flowers do seem a little steeply priced.....unless you're buying one heck of a lot of corsages?

 

[So_happy]

Oh my goodness, if someone offered me 3k to help with my wedding I would seriously consider letting them wear my gown to the wedding while I sang thier praises during a champagne toast

Seriously though, I don''t see how your FIL''s will feel anything BUT embarrassed and/or pissed and/or shocked if any talk was had regarding thier VERY generous amount needing to be increased. Just think how you might feel if you had bought your close friend this fantastic gift that cost quite a bit of cash. You hand it to her with a big smile (probably expecting to be thanked and hugged and what not) and your friend looks at it quizzically....and then requests that you take it back and go get her something a bit more expensive.

My personal opinion on this one is do as another has suggested, work the budget first and then the specifics. It''s great that you have initial impressions and a vision (I certainly didn''t and it would''ve been very helpful!) but you really might want to get to that golden number first. And as you may know by now from being around a bit, we can DIY and budget and be creative on this board like no other so you could very well still have your 20k wedding......but at a 17k budget.

 

[musey]

Date: 6/15/2007 9:22:23 PM
Author: So_happy
My personal opinion on this one is do as another has suggested, work the budget first and then the specifics. It''s great that you have initial impressions and a vision (I certainly didn''t and it would''ve been very helpful!) but you really might want to get to that golden number first. And as you may know by now from being around a bit, we can DIY and budget and be creative on this board like no other so you could very well still have your 20k wedding......but at a 17k budget.

I agree with this point, as well. I refused to begin planning our wedding until both sets of parents had had a chance to offer (if they were going to). Once the proposal dust had settled, FI and I decided to wait about a month to see if they would offer to contribute (we felt that this was likely--but not expected--since we are both young).

That way, we had our budget BEFORE we decided how much we would be spending on anything, not the other way around. For some couples, the planning process is easy: the sky is the limit. The other 95% of us have to simply prioritize

 

[enbcfsobe]

While I don''t think that brides/grooms are per se entitled to $$ from their parents, I think that the situation is quite different when parents expect to have a say in the wedding, invite people that the bride/groom would never otherwise invite, request additional activities (rehearsal dinner, next-day brunch) that the couple wouldn''t otherwise put money towards, or insist upon things (videographer, big floral arrangements) that the couple does not prioritize in their budget. It is great to pay for your own wedding if you can deal with fending off all parental requests and the party really is for you and within your control. On the other hand, if parents are going to expect to have a say in how things go down, particularly with regard to the things that tend to cost the most (asking for a specific prayer in the ceremony is way different than asking to invite all 30 people that live on their block), parents should realize that these things have an effect on cost and be willing to pitch in accordingly. I don''t think it is rude to ask for money as long as it is clear that it is a request, not a demand, and doesn''t involve guilt and manipulation. I think this is especially true if the family/parent has made requests that would not be a priority for the couple if they were paying for everything themselves. After considering this for a while, I do think that it might be best to avoid comparing the contributions of each of the families involved. But at the end, if you ask, and it isn''t something the family can do, move on. Rebudget. Figure out what is most important, and allocate your resources accordingly. But I disagree that asking is awful. I think that if you say we''d like to include X, Y and Z, but would need a little more funding to do so, do you think you could help us out, that is fine. I wouldn''t just ask for more, or say you are trying to make it even-steven. Figure out what it is that you need the additional money for. If you can''t ask with a straight face because it seems frivolous, maybe there''s your answer. If these are things that are important to you, maybe it is worth asking.

 

[dmamsquared]

I think that three thousand is a tidy sum. Receive it graciously and move on.

 

[peridot83]

I don''t know your particular situation but I agree with enbcfsobe. If the buget is partially due to the expectations of FI''s mom, then I do think it''s appropriate to let her into the loop with the costs and explain where you think you''ll need more money.

Even if the cost of the wedding is not due to FI''s mom, I think there''s tactful ways to bring it up. I would inform her of the budget and ask if she has any advice/suggestions over the cost...and see what she says. If she goes "oh i didn''t realize how much this all costs I would be happy to give more," then that''s awesome.

I WOULDN''T bring up how much your family is paying unless she asks because that can become a major sore point or VERY embarassing for FI''s mom if she can''t afford to match.

I will say this, if you do ask her for more money, you just gave her more control of the wedding. Even if she''s the nicest person ever, asking for more money means she''s entitled to review the wedding budget and have a bigger say over the guest list etc. Instead of a gift, it becomes an investment. (i.e. well I gave you more money because I thought you were going to spend it on X not Y).

Good luck!

 

[Finding_Neverland]

Fi's folks may have offered to contribute what they can afford. OR,...... They may have offered to contribute what they are comfortable giving. Could be they're that kind of folks.

My Mom hoards money. Doesn't like to tip waitresses. Counts every penny as if it's her last. That's just the way she is. And the same may be true of FI's parents. You did say he's paid for many things in his life, all on his own. Even bought their house so they'd make more money on the deal. So this may be your first "Tango" with them in the financial arena.

Hubby's folks, on the other hand, have always been very generous to us. We don't even ask. They're just always there to help in any way they can.

If you try an ask for more, most likely you'll wind up hurting family feelings.

Work on your plans. What you need and what you can cut. Find areas to economize. And work with what FI's parents are willing to offer.

Edited to add some cost cutting ideas.

Flowers as others have suggested. Maybe scale that back somewhat.

Gifts to your wedding party. Look for less expensive items.

The Rehearsal Dinner. We knew a couple that couldn't afford a hall and a catered meal. They supplied the meat/entre, and had everyone bring their favorite side. You can do that at home, or in a park, weather permitting, and have a more casual affair.

Do you have a friend handy with silk flowers who ties really nice bows and such. Maybe they can help out with decorating the reception hall.

Things where you get a similar effect, or similar experience, or the same look, without the cost.

 

[ZoeFL]

If I may.... I do agree with surfgirl. We shouldn''t lose the ultimate meaning of marriage. To us, wedding is just a way to inform our relatives and good friends the news, and give them a good treat

To be honest...if it were to be up to us, we will get married in Las Vegas! hahahahaha.. *actually we did already* But our wedding in Singapore & New Zealand is purely for our parents, friends & relatives. We agreed that we will not be stress over the tiny details, we should just focus on having a good time for our guest! Nobody will remember much about the floral arrangement, my gown or my wedding favors later...but if they had a great time..they would remember it for a long time!

So Mustangfan, please don''t get too work up or stress about stuff. It''s suppose to be a happy event...be happy planning it!

 

[VRBeauty]

I have to side with the majority here -- the best policy is to design your wedding around what you can afford (taking into account whatever both sets of parents have voluntarily contributed) and if that just isn''t the wedding you want, look for options that involve you and your fiance making up the difference. There is always the possibility that the parents want to make a sizeable contribution and can easily do so but just aren''t aware of the costs involve, in which case it might be OK for your FI to carefully bring up the question. However it just doesn''t sound like the future IL''s are all that comfortable financially, from what you''ve posted. They probably assume that their $3K will cover the rehearsal dinner and make a substantial contribution towards the remainder of the wedding.

And they might be right, if you adjust your spreadsheet a bit.

If I were using your spreadsheet approach, I''d take your rings out of the equation. Do you really want the parents paying for 2/3 of your rings? No matter whose column you put them in, that''s in essence what''s happening if you count the rings as wedding costs and then split the costs three ways! Same thing for the gifts for the attendants. If you take out those items, FI''s parents contribution is probably pretty close to the 1/3 you were looking for.

 

[bee*]

I have to agree with most of the others-if she''s offered $3000, I would accept it and thank her for it. D and I are paying for our own wedding, and if we do get any help at all from our parents, we''ll be thrilled. You will still be able to have an amazing wedding on a lower budget. I think some things will have to be cut down-eg the flower budget-you will be able to get amazing flowers for at least $1500 less than what you''ve budgeted-Im going to do my own which will cost about €200. I think to bring it up with her and ask for more might cause some problems which is not what you will want before a wedding