5.07 RB (GIA 3X) in Leon Mege Setting

[Mamaofmany]

Yes, me too! Thank you


Oh I like that idea. Most probably the best… except I don’t wear a bra that can hold it. If makes sense?


I’ll look into this as well! So many options. I think I didn’t try so hard to look.


I wore it yesterday. Not today. I think my main annoyance is that it still spins despite the silicon things. I think I need to get used to wearing ANY ring. Maybe not even this one.


Thanks for the link!



It’s leaving on Thursday! So be honest I haven’t worn it except for a few hours. If I keep it, I have to look into wedding band. Probably will have one done by Leon.


Thank you!


There’s no deadline. LM policy is to upgrade after 1 year. However, my husband did start to look for maybe a 3-3.5 carat for ordinary wear. I’m not sure what the plan is yet!



I should have invested in this before starting the upgrade process. I will definitely try out a solitaire.

I get what you mean. It just doesn’t look real on me. I kind of wore it to see what kind of reactions it would get. It didn’t get much attention, so it appears to be mostly in my head. I’m hoping that some DSS will sink in.

I think to truly know I have to wear it for 2 weeks… everyday. So once it’s been sized I’ll have a better sense.





Thank you


Mamaofmany,

I don’t think I’m dealing with it so well, but no one understands this more then palliative care. I just feel like there’s a senselessness to life.I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know why I’m doing what I’m doing. And it just feels like I’m passing time without any real direction.

I never worked in this setting before. There’s a significant mortality with cardiac surgery. But it’s not like this. It’s not young people and it doesn’t feel the same.

What was your specialty out of school? Or what exactly did you have in mind as a career? I ask because it seems like you've found yourself somewhere you didn't plan on being... of the few hundred I've walked the walk with, few were young. I've absolutely had babies, toddlers, adolescents and teens but most are elderly. Seeing someone "too young" struggle with letting go is so very difficult. My worst ever was a father of 2 young kids. I was early 30s and he was mid 40s (my age now) and I had 7 kids at the time. It gutted me.

Maybe the pandemic has you where you are but please be kind to yourself. My mom lived 8 years with dilated cardiomyopathy with an ef of 15-ish. Your profession made it possible.

Much love

 

[allycat0303]

What was your specialty out of school? Or what exactly did you have in mind as a career? I ask because it seems like you've found yourself somewhere you didn't plan on being... of the few hundred I've walked the walk with, few were young. I've absolutely had babies, toddlers, adolescents and teens but most are elderly. Seeing someone "too young" struggle with letting go is so very difficult. My worst ever was a father of 2 young kids. I was early 30s and he was mid 40s (my age now) and I had 7 kids at the time. It gutted me.

Maybe the pandemic has you where you are but please be kind to yourself. My mom lived 8 years with dilated cardiomyopathy with an ef of 15-ish. Your profession made it possible.

Much love

I’m a cardiac surgeon. In Canada it’s separate from thoracic surgery. So it’s 6 year residency in cardiac surgery followed by 5 years as a super fellow.

When I was young, I dreamt of being a family doctor, working in a walk in clinic and having 2 children. I have no idea how I got here, except I got on a path and kept walking for 11 years. And it ended up as years and years of training. No children. Living in many different places (for someone who is incredibly rooted in Montreal and didn’t even want to leave the NEIGHBORHOOD I grew up in)

Right now, a combination of things make me sad. The new job. Having the other partner fired and another one retiring. Then it’s being away from the city (and country!) I love, and my Dad who is sick and likely at the end of his life. Being away from my grandmother that is 96 years old, who realistically is also at end of her life. And then young patients (and really ANY patients) passing away. It seems as if there was a better track record, the sacrifices would seem like they are “worth it”.

 

[Runningmama]

I’m a cardiac surgeon. In Canada it’s separate from thoracic surgery. So it’s 6 year residency in cardiac surgery followed by 5 years as a super fellow.

When I was young, I dreamt of being a family doctor, working in a walk in clinic and having 2 children. I have no idea how I got here, except I got on a path and kept walking for 11 years. And it ended up as years and years of training. No children. Living in many different places (for someone who is incredibly rooted in Montreal and didn’t even want to leave the NEIGHBORHOOD I grew up in)

Right now, a combination of things make me sad. The new job. Having the other partner fired and another one retiring. Then it’s being away from the city (and country!) I love, and my Dad who is sick and likely at the end of his life. Being away from my grandmother that is 96 years old, who realistically is also at end of her life. And then young patients (and really ANY patients) passing away. It seems as if there was a better track record, the sacrifices would seem like they are “worth it”.

A few thoughts on this. I am in the medical field so I fully understand the true life sacrifice you have given to your specialty. It's a soul-sucking black hole a lot of the time and it comes with a lifetime of grass is greener. However, most do it for those 1% wins. The ECMO you never saw coming but goes on to decannulation or transplant. The EF that recovers after a week of Impella. The near life-altering diagnosis that was caught and repaired. Covid has made everything in the medical field awful. Burn out is at an all-time high. You could have Princess Di's ring on your finger right now and you're still going to feel empty. It's probably not about the ring. Finally, I know you've got close to two decades in right now, but you always have a choice. If it doesn't bring you joy, you can change it. You're one of the top, most elite, most badass specialties that exist but with it comes a lot of anger and self-sacrifice, along with a high rate of depression and suicide. Do not numb yourself into autopilot. The reality is you can walk away and have the private practice at any time if that's what you decide you want. You can also walk away and do something entirely different. You do have choices so please don't feel backed into a corner if at any point this is no longer for you.

 

[pearaffair]

A few thoughts on this. I am in the medical field so I fully understand the true life sacrifice you have given to your specialty. It's a soul-sucking black hole a lot of the time and it comes with a lifetime of grass is greener. However, most do it for those 1% wins. The ECMO you never saw coming but goes on to decannulation or transplant. The EF that recovers after a week of Impella. The near life-altering diagnosis that was caught and repaired. Covid has made everything in the medical field awful. Burn out is at an all-time high. You could have Princess Di's ring on your finger right now and you're still going to feel empty. It's probably not about the ring. Finally, I know you've got close to two decades in right now, but you always have a choice. If it doesn't bring you joy, you can change it. You're one of the top, most elite, most badass specialties that exist but with it comes a lot of anger and self-sacrifice, along with a high rate of depression and suicide. Do not numb yourself into autopilot. The reality is you can walk away and have the private practice at any time if that's what you decide you want. You can also walk away and do something entirely different. You do have choices so please don't feel backed into a corner if at any point this is no longer for you.

I’ll echo this. My close friend recently quit being a doctor. It wasn’t at all the life he wanted for himself, his relationships were suffering. It was a massively hard decision for him but he is much happier now.

Just presenting it as a life option!

 

[allycat0303]

I just totaled my new car rushing to ER for a coding patient. So he obviously didn’t make it. I totaled my car, another car, and a traffic light.

As far as feeling low goes. This is it right now.

Because I need the distraction: my husband is returning home tomorrow with my ring. Strangely enough, Leon sized the ring to 3.75. My original ring was 4.25 (and still fits). There’s a big discrepancy due to thickness of band.

 

[FL_runner]

I just totaled my new car rushing to ER for a coding patient. So he obviously didn’t make it. I totaled my car, another car, and a traffic light.

As far as feeling low goes. This is it right now.

Because I need the distraction: my husband is returning home tomorrow with my ring. Strangely enough, Leon sized the ring to 3.75. My original ring was 4.25 (and still fits). There’s a big discrepancy due to thickness of band.

I’m so sorry. Are you ok?

Edit: I know that sounds like a stupid question, but please go get checked out and find a way to take a moment for yourself to breathe and recover

I was in an awful accident once when I was a resident on the way home from work and I remember cried when I had to go back to the hospital to get checked out, I was so tired and just wanted to go home

 

[allycat0303]

I’m so sorry. Are you ok?

Edit: I know that sounds like a stupid question, but please go get checked out and find a way to take a moment for yourself to breathe and recover

I was in an awful accident once when I was a resident on the way home from work and I remember cried when I had to go back to the hospital to get checked out, I was so tired and just wanted to go home

I’m fine. Just concussion and contusion on head. The traffic light fell on the roof of car. It just looked so bad. I wasn’t speeding but distracted. I was stressed because he was actively coding and on something that I probably could have (maybe?) fixed.

The other driver… I hope she went to ER to be checked out. But she probably did not. Was only 20 years old. I T boned the passenger side so I think hers was a bit less bad.

 

[Runningmama]

You are one human being. You didn't cause his issue and you didn't cause his code. It it was a dissection then you know the chance of surviving is barely graphable once they've started coding. People die of horrible things every day. Remember the starfish story. Take a deep breath and hopefully a few days off.

 

[Dmndsr4evr11]

I’m fine. Just concussion and contusion on head. The traffic light fell on the roof of car. It just looked so bad. I wasn’t speeding but distracted. I was stressed because he was actively coding and on something that I probably could have (maybe?) fixed.

The other driver… I hope she went to ER to be checked out. But she probably did not. Was only 20 years old. I T boned the passenger side so I think hers was a bit less bad.

Please take care of yourself. Burnout is real. It’s been a loooooong 2 years to add to the daily stress of being in the medical field before covid. I feel your pain . Take care.

 

[icy_jade]

I just totaled my new car rushing to ER for a coding patient. So he obviously didn’t make it. I totaled my car, another car, and a traffic light.

As far as feeling low goes. This is it right now.

Because I need the distraction: my husband is returning home tomorrow with my ring. Strangely enough, Leon sized the ring to 3.75. My original ring was 4.25 (and still fits). There’s a big discrepancy due to thickness of band.

You sound burnt out. Self care is important. Will you be able to take a short break to heal and recover?

I am not a doctor but I know many who are and always think that going into medicine be it doctors or nurses especially those doctors that go into not popular specialties/non-aesthetic treatment ones are a calling. It is has to be more than just the financial rewards.

Doctors can’t save every life but each one they save makes a difference. Even if 99 out of 100 die, I would like to think that the single one that survived makes a difference as without medical intervention it would be 100 out of 100 right?

So be kind to yourself. Take a short break so that you can come back stronger. Pls take care.

 

[HS4S_2]

I just totaled my new car rushing to ER for a coding patient. So he obviously didn’t make it. I totaled my car, another car, and a traffic light.

As far as feeling low goes. This is it right now.

Because I need the distraction: my husband is returning home tomorrow with my ring. Strangely enough, Leon sized the ring to 3.75. My original ring was 4.25 (and still fits). There’s a big discrepancy due to thickness of band.

Oh no. I hope you are ok. Please don't be hard on yourself. It is not your fault and bad things happen. I ABSOLUTELY understand the burnout because I was a trauma nurse and also worked with a heli unit. It's hard to lose people and it happened often in trauma and rescue because we saw people at the most dire. Long story short....I ended up quitting because of anxiety for my kids because of all of the things I have witnessed. I now go into emergency situations where I am needed (hurricanes, tornadoes, emergency evacuations) but do not work full time. It's a lot to process when you lose someone at work. I have been thinking about you a lot because I feel your stress and understand it. Try to take some time for yourself (I know it's not easy). I hope you heal up quickly and get some rest.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I just want to give you a hug.

 

[Sparkles88]

I just totaled my new car rushing to ER for a coding patient. So he obviously didn’t make it. I totaled my car, another car, and a traffic light.

As far as feeling low goes. This is it right now.

Because I need the distraction: my husband is returning home tomorrow with my ring. Strangely enough, Leon sized the ring to 3.75. My original ring was 4.25 (and still fits). There’s a big discrepancy due to thickness of band.

I’m so sorry to hear this, I hope you’re ok and also the other driver?
Sending you hugs from afar, all the way from Australia.
Please take care and look after yourself, you have spent your whole working life dedicated to looking after others, perhaps time to take a breather and take some time for yourself.
I hope your new ring once sized to fit, gives to something to smile about again. All the best xx

 

[Diamond Girl 21]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. As the others have said, please take care of yourself. It's so very important.

 

[oncrutchesrightnow]

So sorry that happened to you.

Echoing @pearaffair and @Runningmama in that if you want a change in jobs or any other change, don’t feel guilty. Many of us have changed careers in favor of a happier life overall.

 

[CMN]

I am thinking of you @allycat0303.

 

[Dandi]

I'm so sorry this has happened @allycat0303. Burnout is real, I am an OR nurse who is moonlighting in ICU and ED when needed (thanks Covid), so I can somewhat empathise a bit with you. Please, if you possibly can, take some time out. I really hope that's a possibility for you. Hopefully once your hubby is back with your glorious ring, it will bring you a little joy that you so badly need right now.

Sending you heaps of love across the oceans.

 

[allycat0303]

I'm so sorry this has happened @allycat0303. Burnout is real, I am an OR nurse who is moonlighting in ICU and ED when needed (thanks Covid), so I can somewhat empathise a bit with you. Please, if you possibly can, take some time out. I really hope that's a possibility for you. Hopefully once your hubby is back with your glorious ring, it will bring you a little joy that you so badly need right now.

Sending you heaps of love across the oceans.

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the kind words…My husband got snowed in for New York, so I was alone.. and felt very lonely and scared (being from a different country).

I feel so guilty. I can’t believe i destroyed someone’s car. And caused all this damage. And I didn’t even make it on time.

I’m still on call. Will be for several weeks because they unexpectedly fired their other surgeon and one is retiring. I can only hope it will be quiet because of Covid.

 

[allycat0303]

I’m so sorry. Are you ok?

Edit: I know that sounds like a stupid question, but please go get checked out and find a way to take a moment for yourself to breathe and recover

I was in an awful accident once when I was a resident on the way home from work and I remember cried when I had to go back to the hospital to get checked out, I was so tired and just wanted to go home

It was overwhelming. I have been an very bad accident before. However… I did not wake up for many days. So there was no memory of it. This one… I went through full range of emotions. Adrenaline, stress, emotions… etc.

You are one human being. You didn't cause his issue and you didn't cause his code. It it was a dissection then you know the chance of surviving is barely graphable once they've started coding. People die of horrible things every day. Remember the starfish story. Take a deep breath and hopefully a few days off.

Sometimes… you can do a subxiphoid pericardial window, remove some clot to relieve the tamponade. Just enough time to get you in the OR and on pump. (I’m an aortic surgeon specifically). I’m not saying it works all the time.. but have had a few patients survive. Sometimes you can get lucky and other times you do not.

Echoing @pearaffair and @Runningmama in that if you want a change in jobs or any other change, don’t feel guilty. Many of us have changed careers in favor of a happier life overall.

I think I may be tired from the current situation. Luckily I don’t work on front lines of Covid.

I am thinking of you @allycat0303.

Thank you

I'm so sorry this has happened @allycat0303. Burnout is real, I am an OR nurse who is moonlighting in ICU and ED when needed (thanks Covid), so I can somewhat empathise a bit with you. Please, if you possibly can, take some time out. I really hope that's a possibility for you. Hopefully once your hubby is back with your glorious ring, it will bring you a little joy that you so badly need right now.

Sending you heaps of love across the oceans.

Thank you. And yes, it seems as though that’s what so many of us are doing. Just trying to hang onto the small pockets of joy.

You sound burnt out. Self care is important. Will you be able to take a short break to heal and recover?

I am not a doctor but I know many who are and always think that going into medicine be it doctors or nurses especially those doctors that go into not popular specialties/non-aesthetic treatment ones are a calling. It is has to be more than just the financial rewards.

Doctors can’t save every life but each one they save makes a difference. Even if 99 out of 100 die, I would like to think that the single one that survived makes a difference as without medical intervention it would be 100 out of 100 right?

So be kind to yourself. Take a short break so that you can come back stronger. Pls take care.

I don’t know why… but you forget the victories quickly and focus on the failures. The failures are magnified.

Oh no. I hope you are ok. Please don't be hard on yourself. It is not your fault and bad things happen. I ABSOLUTELY understand the burnout because I was a trauma nurse and also worked with a heli unit. It's hard to lose people and it happened often in trauma and rescue because we saw people at the most dire. Long story short....I ended up quitting because of anxiety for my kids because of all of the things I have witnessed. I now go into emergency situations where I am needed (hurricanes, tornadoes, emergency evacuations) but do not work full time. It's a lot to process when you lose someone at work. I have been thinking about you a lot because I feel your stress and understand it. Try to take some time for yourself (I know it's not easy). I hope you heal up quickly and get some rest.

I think health care workers.. go through a sort of *mini grieving* whenever a patient dies. Even if we never got to meet and talk to them. You either go over the interaction in your head… or you go over the events.. over and over questioning what could have been done different. Either logistics. Speed. Etc.

And then a few days later it starts to fade.

I just want to give you a hug.

Sigh. Thanks. Realizing that it’s the hardest part of being alone. No one to just say “it’s ok”

I’m so sorry to hear this, I hope you’re ok and also the other driver?
Sending you hugs from afar, all the way from Australia.
Please take care and look after yourself, you have spent your whole working life dedicated to looking after others, perhaps time to take a breather and take some time for yourself.
I hope your new ring once sized to fit, gives to something to smile about again. All the best xx

I think she is ok. She was only 20 years old. Visually she looked ok. Nothing on her head. No broken bones. We walked together to the store. Her husband was following her in car behind and took her home. I don’t think she even went to hospital. But I imagine like me, she must be sore right now.


I didn’t either initially but stopped by after because I had a sizable contusion on my forehead and started to get a really bad headache.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. As the others have said, please take care of yourself. It's so very important.

Yes. Sleep and some Netflix. Or maybe I should go home for a few days….

 

[ZestfullyBling]

Sending you hugs, warm wishes and prayers for peace of mind. I hope you are reunited with ur DH soon so you get the comfort you need. I know you probably feel you have a duty as a surgeon but please understand some things are out of your control and you MUST take/make time for yourself to emotionally and mentally heal from stresses life bring you.
I also want to say: Thank you for all you do and lives you have saved. You matter and are appreciated.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

A few thoughts on this. I am in the medical field so I fully understand the true life sacrifice you have given to your specialty. It's a soul-sucking black hole a lot of the time and it comes with a lifetime of grass is greener. However, most do it for those 1% wins. The ECMO you never saw coming but goes on to decannulation or transplant. The EF that recovers after a week of Impella. The near life-altering diagnosis that was caught and repaired. Covid has made everything in the medical field awful. Burn out is at an all-time high. You could have Princess Di's ring on your finger right now and you're still going to feel empty. It's probably not about the ring. Finally, I know you've got close to two decades in right now, but you always have a choice. If it doesn't bring you joy, you can change it. You're one of the top, most elite, most badass specialties that exist but with it comes a lot of anger and self-sacrifice, along with a high rate of depression and suicide. Do not numb yourself into autopilot. The reality is you can walk away and have the private practice at any time if that's what you decide you want. You can also walk away and do something entirely different. You do have choices so please don't feel backed into a corner if at any point this is no longer for you.

I’ll echo this. My close friend recently quit being a doctor. It wasn’t at all the life he wanted for himself, his relationships were suffering. It was a massively hard decision for him but he is much happier now.

Just presenting it as a life option!

Hi @allycat0303, first off the ring is GORGEOUS, as is the sentiment behind the ring and you and your husband’s story. I am a physician as well and if there’s anything harder than becoming a physician, it’s being the partner of a physician and all the patience, understanding, and support that comes with it.

As I read further into this thread, I grew concerned, and @Runningmama nailed it right on the head. The COVID situation and how it’s impacting your work will hopefully end at some point, but the impact it has had on you will stay for a long time. The generations before us will not get any younger, and their call to you to be with them and care with them will grow stronger and that won’t go away.

I left medicine after the signals in my body and heart saying this wasn’t right for me could no longer be ignored. I was burned out way before I left clinical care, and when I read about your car accident, my heart sank. I remember driving to an ICU shift in residency miserable and sleep deprived. I rear ended another driver, but it wasn’t high speed (we were at a yield) and nothing bad happened at all. This accident lingered with me for months even though no damage was done. So I can’t imagine what it has been like for you.

My mindset changed when I started a family and my son was born. Then my father in law was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. At the point I was in fellowship and felt like being part of the completely deranged US healthcare system was tearing me apart. I was depressed and not taking care of myself, and carried so much guilt around what I couldn’t do for my family. I was in therapy for years to help figure out what I needed to do and the move to non-clinical work was a terrifying one.

While I miss seeing patients in clinic, I am way happier now and feel like I have much more capacity to be there for my family. I’m still in therapy to sort out some emotional issues that I think we’re suppressed by working so many hours and being forced into focusing most of my energy into my job. But even then I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to the system again. I applaud those who remain resilient in that system, but would never judge them for leaving it. In my new job, I am in awe of how much I am valued, and the amount of support that is given to me without need to ask.

My life finally feels balanced and I’m so glad I found a new job where I can still use my hard-earned degrees and still feel like I am contributing to improving the lives of patients.

I’m not encouraging a career change by any means, and don’t want to derail the focus on this thread to your career, but your feelings really resonated with much of how I felt throughout my entire training. I am concerned that these feelings you have and things happening are a sign of something bigger that may need to change. I hope you can honor those signs and be given time and space to reflect on what you need.

In the meantime, I hope you can enjoy that beautiful one-of-a-kind ring, and wear it proudly because you definitely deserve it!

 

[yssie]

Ally…. I’m so sorry. I’m not in healthcare, but as a human being with a sometimes-impossibly-demanding job and a not-always-the-Brady-Bunch home… There have been times when it was all just too d*mn much. You’re human. I think we human beings are programmed to recognise when other human beings are reaching the ends of their ropes.

I don’t know what the specifics of your work needs are, but if there’s any way at all for you to take some time off - even just a week or two - I urge you to do it. Please. You need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.

 

[LLJsmom]

I’m so sorry @allycat0303. You are already doing everything you can. I truly hope you will allow yourself time to recover. Sending you healing vibes and peaceful thoughts.

 

[Snowdrop13]

@allycat0303 your ring is so lovely, you are a lucky lady! I have thought since the start of this thread that you sounded very “flat” and were unable to summon the energy to be excited about it. I don’t know how you can provide a cardiac service as a single practitioner. I know this thread is supposed to be about jewellery but I’d love to know why it is you can’t go back to Canada? You have lots of financial resources, surely it would be possible? I’m in healthcare too and have had one episode myself of having to take time off due to stress. None of us are invincible, please look after yourself.

 

[allycat0303]

Sending you hugs, warm wishes and prayers for peace of mind. I hope you are reunited with ur DH soon so you get the comfort you need. I know you probably feel you have a duty as a surgeon but please understand some things are out of your control and you MUST take/make time for yourself to emotionally and mentally heal from stresses life bring you.
I also want to say: Thank you for all you do and lives you have saved. You matter and are appreciated.

It was nice to see my husband. He finally got in from New York late last night because of the snowstorm. I was happy.

Hi @allycat0303, first off the ring is GORGEOUS, as is the sentiment behind the ring and you and your husband’s story. I am a physician as well and if there’s anything harder than becoming a physician, it’s being the partner of a physician and all the patience, understanding, and support that comes with it.

As I read further into this thread, I grew concerned, and @Runningmama nailed it right on the head. The COVID situation and how it’s impacting your work will hopefully end at some point, but the impact it has had on you will stay for a long time. The generations before us will not get any younger, and their call to you to be with them and care with them will grow stronger and that won’t go away.

I left medicine after the signals in my body and heart saying this wasn’t right for me could no longer be ignored. I was burned out way before I left clinical care, and when I read about your car accident, my heart sank. I remember driving to an ICU shift in residency miserable and sleep deprived. I rear ended another driver, but it wasn’t high speed (we were at a yield) and nothing bad happened at all. This accident lingered with me for months even though no damage was done. So I can’t imagine what it has been like for you.

My mindset changed when I started a family and my son was born. Then my father in law was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. At the point I was in fellowship and felt like being part of the completely deranged US healthcare system was tearing me apart. I was depressed and not taking care of myself, and carried so much guilt around what I couldn’t do for my family. I was in therapy for years to help figure out what I needed to do and the move to non-clinical work was a terrifying one.

While I miss seeing patients in clinic, I am way happier now and feel like I have much more capacity to be there for my family. I’m still in therapy to sort out some emotional issues that I think we’re suppressed by working so many hours and being forced into focusing most of my energy into my job. But even then I’m not sure I’ll ever go back to the system again. I applaud those who remain resilient in that system, but would never judge them for leaving it. In my new job, I am in awe of how much I am valued, and the amount of support that is given to me without need to ask.

My life finally feels balanced and I’m so glad I found a new job where I can still use my hard-earned degrees and still feel like I am contributing to improving the lives of patients.

I’m not encouraging a career change by any means, and don’t want to derail the focus on this thread to your career, but your feelings really resonated with much of how I felt throughout my entire training. I am concerned that these feelings you have and things happening are a sign of something bigger that may need to change. I hope you can honor those signs and be given time and space to reflect on what you need.

In the meantime, I hope you can enjoy that beautiful one-of-a-kind ring, and wear it proudly because you definitely deserve it!

I can easily see why all the changes in your life put you there. I don’t have children. Just pets. But my friend who is also Cardiac, her whole outlook changed with her first baby as well.

Ally…. I’m so sorry. I’m not in healthcare, but as a human being with a sometimes-impossibly-demanding job and a not-always-the-Brady-Bunch home… There have been times when it was all just too d*mn much. You’re human. I think we human beings are programmed to recognise when other human beings are reaching the ends of their ropes.

I don’t know what the specifics of your work needs are, but if there’s any way at all for you to take some time off - even just a week or two - I urge you to do it. Please. You need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.

I asked for a week in April. They have not approved it. I wrote it on the calendar… but haven’t had the nerve to actually ask for the days off.

I’m so sorry @allycat0303. You are already doing everything you can. I truly hope you will allow yourself time to recover. Sending you healing vibes and peaceful thoughts.

Thank you. It’s just the headache that is bad. And I’m also having a bit of “word finding/ searching” I get just the slightest confused over which words to describe what I want to say. But it will get better in days to come.

@allycat0303 your ring is so lovely, you are a lucky lady! I have thought since the start of this thread that you sounded very “flat” and were unable to summon the energy to be excited about it. I don’t know how you can provide a cardiac service as a single practitioner. I know this thread is supposed to be about jewellery but I’d love to know why it is you can’t go back to Canada? You have lots of financial resources, surely it would be possible? I’m in healthcare too and have had one episode myself of having to take time off due to stress. None of us are invincible, please look after yourself.

When I first finished fellowship, I got a job in Montreal Quebec. My dream job. Covid hit and my hospital in Montreal became a designated Covid center. They shut down all cardiac surgery. I waited for 1 year, probably operating… 1 case a month, before I gave up. As of this writing, cardiac surgery is still cancelled in my hospital.

So I left to take this job in US before I lost all my technical skills. I took this job without visiting, having never been to the state or the city.

We were supposed to be 3 surgeons. They had a senior surgeon here, and had hired a new female partner (she’s about 60 years old) at same time as me.

I’ve been here 5 months. The senior partner just announced his retirement 4 weeks ago (February 25 is his last day). And they FIRED the female out of nowhere. I thought they would restrict her privileges, remedial work. But literally 1 week ago, on Friday at 4:45 pm they called me and said “can you take Dr. X call this weekend?” And then 5 minutes later she was being escorted out of the building.

The senior partner (understandably) is disconnected and refusing all call until his last da. So I’m alone and it’s overwhelming. They ask me what I need to keep this program going…. They ask me to organize the entire program…. Organize the relationship with the SICU (previously contentious) organize the VA ECMO program. That is a job for a senior surgeon who has the experience to be a leader. I graduated yesterday and I’m trying to survive in a new system… operating for the first time as an attending.

And the hospital is freaking out because it is a level 1 Trauma center. One of the criteria for that designation is a cardiac surgeon on call. Aka: me. This hospital is also the Quaternary referral system for all cardiac surgery of a very large hospital system in the state. I know what you are thinking “and all they have is a new grad”

The endless years of super fellowship (6 more then an ordinary American grad) made me an excellent technical surgeon. I can do things that the senior surgeon who by all accounts was exceptional could NOT do. I did a procedure my second week here that had never been done in this hospital system, and is usually referred to 1 specific center in US. And the administration heard about it quickly and knew they could bank on me.

The problem is: I get very scared not having back up. I need to have someone to ask questions. I have a lot of self doubt, and my confidence can be shaky. I can get anxious in the OR, and the only thing that helps is… “I can always call Dr Z for help” I usually figure it out. But knowing that he’s somewhere in the city, calms me down. Sometimes standing there in front of the patient, the weight of responsibility is crushing. And cardiac surgeons that are left alone often go crazy. Meaning they lose perspective and clinical judgement because there’s no one to hold them accountable. Currently I have 3 virtual cardiac surgeons that I bounce thoughts, review cases with. But it’s not the same as being there. Sometimes… you just need a colleague to peak into OR.

The surgeons here have been incredibly nice rallying around me to try and get me through this and to stay. Vascular, trauma and general surgeons have all met with me individually to offer a hand or a shoulder.

There’s a kindness here that I have not had anywhere else. And this community needs the level 1 trauma. And it needs a good destination for catastrophic cases.

For example, that patient that I rushed to ER for, he was at another center. There was a cardiac surgeon there, much older and experienced then me. He declined the case, said he wasn’t comfortable. They called a larger center with 5 cardiac surgeons. They declined as well. Said it was too complex. I was their 3rd choice. I didn’t decline because I’m an aortic surgeon and while it’s a a high risk case, I did many on fellowship in Texas. So I stood the good chance at it and willing to give it a go. But the problem is the patient was stranded in the ER for 2.5 hours while they tried to find a hospital to accept. And while I did not succeed in saving this patient… that ER physician at referring hospital now knows that this hospital will take and manage these cases… and maybe next time I won’t be third choice and the patient will get here on time.

So I don’t feel like I can just leave. At least not until they find someone to take over. It would be wrong.

 

[allycat0303]

Ally…. I’m so sorry. I’m not in healthcare, but as a human being with a sometimes-impossibly-demanding job and a not-always-the-Brady-Bunch home… There have been times when it was all just too d*mn much. You’re human. I think we human beings are programmed to recognise when other human beings are reaching the ends of their ropes.

I don’t know what the specifics of your work needs are, but if there’s any way at all for you to take some time off - even just a week or two - I urge you to do it. Please. You need to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else.

Yssie,

It sounds like you have so much on your plate. I have the greatest respect for women that can handle career and several children. It must be exhausting.

I’m so sorry @allycat0303. You are already doing everything you can. I truly hope you will allow yourself time to recover. Sending you healing vibes and peaceful thoughts.

Thank you the headaches are bad, but will hopefully decrease in the next few days.

@allycat0303 your ring is so lovely, you are a lucky lady! I have thought since the start of this thread that you sounded very “flat” and were unable to summon the energy to be excited about it. I don’t know how you can provide a cardiac service as a single practitioner. I know this thread is supposed to be about jewellery but I’d love to know why it is you can’t go back to Canada? You have lots of financial resources, surely it would be possible? I’m in healthcare too and have had one episode myself of having to take time off due to stress. None of us are invincible, please look after yourself.

 

[Snowdrop13]

@allycat0303 I take my hat off to you, you sound like a dedicated and talented surgeon. It is very hard as a single person running a service. I’m not in the US so I don’t really understand how your system is, where I work (UK) if this happened there would be a merger of departments, especially if within the same city. Is there no scope for that? Pooling resources? I hope your hospital is trying to recruit more staff!

 

[nyquestioner]

You are suffering from extreme moral injury. The expectations on you are too much for any one person, and in the middle of a pandemic that's pushed most of us in health care to our breaking points. Some of my colleagues who are ex-military have described the current situation in the pandemic as worse than war. Because in a war you have a tour of duty and then you rotate out. We can never rotate out because it takes a decade to train a doctor and there are not enough people to take our places. It's just relentless, and while with the vaccine we are no longer risking our own lives, seeing people die who didn't have to die is very difficult. I don't know if you've seen the data that the majority of doctors right now have either depression, anxiety, PTSD or some combination of the three. My thoughts...are you in any of the physician facebook groups? It can help just to vent to people who understand what you are going through. And people who have been in similar situations as surgeons might have some advice for you. Also have you considered contacting the Physician Support Line? It is anonymous and free and they of course have extended hours to accommodate our schedules. We are taught throughout our training to just buckle down and get through but there comes a point where that is not possible any more.
Your ring is very beautiful. What I wish for you is for you to be able to get to a place where you can enjoy it. Because you deserve that.

 

[yssie]

Oh honey no I’m just fine, it’s you I’m concerned about!! You’ve accomplished a ton in your career but you aren’t defined by your career - you’re a person outside of your work. Please take care of the human being behind that career and work. Like someone else said earlier - burn out is real!

 

[sunnyside74]

from one tired female surgeon to another - sending all the hugs, the "you got this", and support that is possible. I appreciate what you are trying to do for these patients - but at some point you need to breath, rest a few days (week) and then start over. when I got so burned out I almost quit, I made a promise to myself to plan time off - regardless of my partners... 1 week every quarter, and 1 off call weekend away each month... I plan them months in advance - and that helped tremendously (of course, COVID has cancelled much but not all of that)... they *NEED* you, they can find a locums coverage or something else so you can take time off.... because if they burn you out then those patients have no one at all.... taking time for you isn't selfish - its actually guaranteeing the patients will have the best most brilliant surgeon available to them...