A date conflict....

[KimberlyH]

ally,

I am so glad you created a weekend of reprieve for yourself, it was much deserved. You seem to have grown so much in the last year and I''m sure it hasn''t been easy, but your new found strength is admirable, no matter which date you choose.

~K

 

[anchor31]

Oh, ally, your sister and FBIL make me so angry... Asking your parents to not attend your wedding? Disowning you for a freaking wedding date?!

I''m glad that your parents didn''t just agree with her this time.

Good for you for relaxing and doing fun things for the weekend! We all need those moments every once in a while. Good luck with your upcoming exam!

 

[galeteia]

Oh my sweet freaking elephant on a stick!

This is way past insane. Your sister seriously needs help. And she''s planning to become a doctor? Where are children going to fit into that? If she''s planning on having children in the next 5 years or so, which is the impression I get from all her shrieking about her ''reproductive health'' and why she needs to be married sooner rather than later, why the heck is she bothering going to med school if she''s only going to finish it in time to start having children?

There are no words.

Disown you for what? Sticking to a date that YOU had FIRST? Insane!

It sounds like she needs to be spanked.

 

[diamondfan]

Well, seems the fun never ends! What a terrible thing she is trying to pull off. I really hope you can put blinders on and just focus on what matters. With a sister like that who needs enemies? Sheesh. I can speak from my experience of having to cut of ties with my sister who is very toxic and did some really disgusting things over the years, to me and my mother and then my son, and I am sad on one hand, but I did not deserve or cause what went down. You need to just keep chanting that in your head...do not let her pull you down...

 

[NYCsparkle]

I think your sister should be the one wracked with guilt by all of this mayhem she''s caused. Stick to your guns and don''t worry about all the drama---surround yoourself by good people and everything else will fall into place. Your family will eventually find out the truth---

you could always casually mention things to the family gossip.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Ally, I''ve been silently following the drama and just couldn''t find the words to describe my thoughts (everything I would begin to write was just soooo inappropriate)

Girl, you ROCK! I''m thrilled that you found the strength and courage to stand up to your sister and FBIL.

I wish you continued strength and peace as you move forward with your plans.

 

[FireGoddess]

ALLY!!!! I was wondering how it went for the last few days...was sicky in bed w/o internet or computer and just hopped on to see what went down. You stood up for yourself magnificently and really showed the true colors of those 2 (your sis and FBIL). Calling a monopoly on any date that is before theirs?

Nice.
I am so glad you pulled that bluff out so she could show how loony and self centered she is. And even more brilliant you could put FBIL in his place. Gotta love a hypocrite.

I would be so livid that at this point there would be no way I would have my wedding after your sister''s. She needs to realize that she''s the only one living in her fantasyland. Well, the 2 of them, actually. Next she''ll be telling you you''re not allowed to have sex until she''s pregnant.

I hope your parents can tell her to shut her piehole and start acting like a lady. It''s not fair that the responsibility always falls solely on you.

 

[fatafelice]

Awesome!!! Ally, you rock! Not only am I proud of you for standing up for yourself, I am also proud of you for having a lovely weekend and ignoring the drama going on elsewhere! I hope this was the wake-up call your family needed and you can plan the rest of your wedding unimpeded!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/30/2007 5:42:09 PM
Author: FireGoddess

I agree with *everyone*

Way to go, girl! Should we call you AllyTIGER from now on?

Seriously - *she* should be the *only* one feeling guilty &/or being disowned (though that seems extreme even for HER deplorable behavior

)

 

[Mara]

ally, i too get a stomachache when it comes to confrontations or similar especially with people i love or respect etc. sometimes speaking up to those whose opinons matter is tough....but kudos for doing it! hang in there.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/30/2007 5:42:09 PM
Author: FireGoddess
She needs to realize that she''s the only one living in her fantasyland. Well, the 2 of them, actually. Next she''ll be telling you you''re not allowed to have sex until she''s pregnant.

You know... I was LOL at this until I realized that the two of them are JUST THAT CRAZY.

 

[AmantdeChat]

Date: 1/30/2007 12:03:17 PM
Author: ChargerGrrl
Ally, I''ve been silently following the drama and just couldn''t find the words to describe my thoughts (everything I would begin to write was just soooo inappropriate)

Girl, you ROCK! I''m thrilled that you found the strength and courage to stand up to your sister and FBIL.

I wish you continued strength and peace as you move forward with your plans.

Ditto. I haven''t posted, but I have definitely followed the ridiculous soap opera that is your sister and FBIL.

It''s great that you are learning to stand up for yourself without stooping to their level and tactics. Stay calm, stay firm and no one can say, with any ounce of truth, that you are in the wrong.
Karma is coming, but not the way you think. It''s going to slap your sister and FBIL in the face and unfortunately, they will never understand why.

Take care and good luck with all your plans!

 

[lili]

Ally,

It''s so funny that your sis and FBIL were demanding your parents to disown you
for being disrespectful. Isn''t there something in the Viet/Chinese culture that
screams disrespect when one younger sibling tries to step over the older sibling
in getting married first? Anyhow, I am so sorry that your sis is throwing such a
tantrum on getting what she/FBIL want. As others have said, stick to you guns
and stay strong.

 

[Hopes]

Date: 2/1/2007 12:54:54 PM
Author: lili
Ally,

It's so funny that your sis and FBIL were demanding your parents to disown you
for being disrespectful. Isn't there something in the Viet/Chinese culture that
screams disrespect when one younger sibling tries to step over the older sibling
in getting married first? Anyhow, I am so sorry that your sis is throwing such a
tantrum on getting what she/FBIL want. As others have said, stick to you guns
and stay strong.

In Asian cultures in general, family is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER, and that's it. Usually some awful relative will take advantage of everyone else in the family, and they just have to take it. It's kind of like whoever has the biggest fangs and cries the loudest will get the best treatment (squeaky wheel gets the grease).

To give you an example: let's say one member of the family is doing better financially than a sibling, for example a brother. The brother will pretty much be entitled to all the money that the more well-to-do sibling makes, no matter what. If the brother gets married, the sister-in-law can demand money, too! Why? Familial duty, responsibility, blah blah blah.

I come from a Chinese background and absolutely loathe the whole family and tradition BS, personally. But the guilt factor can be a hard factor to shake. Personally I just don't stay in contact, and find it so liberating to not be part of that culture of oppression.

 

[allycat0303]

Hey everyone,

I think karma just splatted me on the face. I got a bad mark on my exam (passed, but it was ugly. And I was expecting 90% and I was STUNNED.still don't know how that happened) and we got our new hospital groups. And I am in a group that. KNOWS. EVERYTHING. I thought the other students were making the answers up because I have never heard of anything they said! I can't possibly belong in this program. I study from sun-up to sun-down and I didn't know even 1/10 th of these 4 students. I feel terribly, inadequate. Left the hospital and sat in my car and cried, and cried. Not because of any one yelling at me or anything, just at the sheer feeling that I am much to stupid to keep up with these students. It used to be I felt like I wasn't as smart as these people, but I could outwork them....and now I realize that, no. Not even all the work I do in the world would bring me even near these students. Awful, awful. Came home with a pounding headache and took a nap instead of studying. I'm so discouraged.

In other related news, my sister is waging a full dis-own campaign, which I'm ignoring. Ignoring my parents. Staying at my guy's house, until I know no one is home. I think the worst part of all this is that she and FBIL are SO convinced they are 100% right and I'm being the devil. It's impossible to even talk or reason because they are on this holy conviction that I should be slaugthered for not bending to their wishes. And my parents. I don't know. I'm only getting second hand info through my aunt and my grandma. She says they aren't angry but my sister is being so forceful that they might end up doing what she wants because they are very afraid of losing her, being embarassed etc. But what really hurts at this moment is knowing that they even would entertain the thought of disowning me at her request. If it is disowning me or her being mad at them, why did it become that having her as a daughter was more important then me? I don't know when I became so expendable but it hurts a lot.

I did read things on this thread that made me smile though.

Firegoddess: I love your new avatar! It's a little bit of a shock to me though, because I SO associate the ring with you. I think they live in fantasy land, but I think I brought this on myself by letting them rule the world for so long. Should have done something before. And the whole pregnent thing. Maybe it's her biological clock screaming or something. But oh my gosh. I don't know.

Anchor, KimberlyH, fatalfelice, Gypsy, Mara, Galateia, diamondfan, NYCsparkle, Chargrrgirl: I'm so thankful for your continured support. I feel so alone at this point. Virtual HUGS. I don't know how I would get through the day if I didn't have a cheerleading squad somewhere in the U.S

Deco: Oh I laughed and I laughed about the allyTIGER thing. I told my guy and he said it was so sweet. It made me feel invincible. But I'm starting to downshift quickly. Maybe allyKITTY today

Amantdechat: I know I keep saying it, and saying it, but I LOVE your avatars. They are the best.

Lili: Strangely enough, there are a lot of rules etc., concerning respecting elders, but there is also the heavy expectation that the oldest (and especially if you are female...uhm ya. A little sexist.....) that you are responsible for taking care of the family, and putting your wants/needs aside for that of the family. It's always been like that.

Hope: Well I see you've already answered

 

[KimberlyH]

Ally,

I am so sorry for the added stress of the new group and bad test score. Please know it''s not karma, you have done nothing that requires punishment!

I''m so sorry that your parents are reacting this way, they are way out of line and I can''t even imagine how sad this makes you feel. You have the whole PS family on your side, please remember that...not a single person who posted in this thread indicated that there was even a slight chance of your sister being right, it''s simply not the case.

Lots of virtual hugs to you. Keep your chin up.

~K

 

[anchor31]

Darn Ally, I really hate seeing you like this. I''m so sorry you''re going through this... Things are not so hot for me these days either, so... wanna meet up so we can wallow in our misery?

Even if you''d rather not, I hope I can make you smile a little. *big hugs* to you too!

 

[cara]

No, please don''t blame karma for your med school test! BAD thinking! OK, you might be allowed to think that you got a bit distracted from properly studying by your sister''s antics, but really there is just way too much ridiculous knowledge associated with med school. Much of it useless in practice too. Until you get past the book-part to the hospital part, you just need to do well enough to leave your specialty options open, keep learning and NOT playing the hyper-competitive they-are-smarter-me game. That is an illusion. Trust me. The not-so-smart ones are not smart enough to worry about being not the smartest.

But really kudos to you for confronting your sister. It is really completely surreal that she books your wedding date and then blames you... I don''t even know how to go about thinking about dealing with a family that thinks that is OK and normal. Her position isn''t even that she "mistakenly" booked your date - she intentionally did it because she''s supposedly a better person? She deserves to go first? You''re just supposed to wait three years? It''s just completely baffling to the non-Asian here, but you have my complete sympathy as this sounds awful.

 

[cara]

Just a question here - do other people you mention (aunt, grandma, busy-body) realize what your sister and FBIL have done? Booked a date that you had already booked in an effort to manipulate you? If the story were to come out, shouldn''t your sister be MORTIFIED at being such a manipulative child or is the idea that it never comes out, other people just know that there is a disagreement in the house of allycat?

 

[allycat0303]

Oh I just felt overwhelmed. I''m not a talker, very shy, and I was just listening to their differential diagnosis, their knowledge. They were correcting our teacher! And he kept saying to them "excellent question, excellent" and I think the worst part is the 4 other students are french, they know each other, and super motivated. I felt really left out. And a couple of times they made *asian* remarks that just kind of casually referenced my race, nothing derogatory or anything, it just made me really aware, that they were really aware that I wasn''t Quebecois like them. I just felt out of place, like I really didn''t belong there. But maybe it''s the first meeting and I''m going to get into the feel of things and feel better.

Anchor: I think we should meet up, but I''m warning you, I might just burst into tears. I''m nowhere nearly as intresting or happy as the last time. Maybe wallowing will help though. I can do a power lunch on friday or tuesday''s around 11:30, noonish. Let me know. But I do have some advice for you....Uhmmm....we will survive. Both of us. I hope.

KimberlyH: Thanks for the encouraging words. Things have just got me really down today. I guess it was just one of those days. I think with all the things that is happening, I am beginning to think, maybe she is RIGHT. It''s all getting muddy in my mind.

Cara: My aunt/grandmother do know the whole story. But like anything else, they want to keep the peace so they aren''t going to reprimand my sister (she has a very volatile temper) so they just say bad things behind her back, and then tell me not to say anything to her directly because she will be *sad*.

 

[FireGoddess]

(((((((((((((((( sending confidence and smartness vibes Ally''s way ))))))))))))))))))))

Don''t worry, the ring avatar will come back.

I got a little bored.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is exactly what you''re doing...not allowing yourself to be sucked into the drama more than you need to be. Just keep concentrating on what''s important in your life right now. And BTW....we all have been there with the ''imposter complex/I don''t belong here'' thing...but you DO belong there girl!!!

 

[anchor31]

Both Tuesdays and Fridays at 11:30 are fine with me. Would you be up to it tomorrow? If you read this and it works for you, please let me know before 7:30 tomorrow. Otherwise, we can just meet Tuesday.

 

[Kerbear560]

I''m so sorry that you received a bad mark on your exam and that you''re having a tough time with your new group, but PLEASE do not blame this on karma! I said it before, and I''ll say it again...you did NOTHING wrong! I''m sure the stress of the situation with your sister and parents hasn''t helped at all as far as being able to concentrate on studying! Also, I can relate as far as feeling like an outsider in new school groups...I''m also very quiet, and when I was in school I tended to feel the same way. I think that it will get better once you get more comfortable- I know it did for me (like you said- this was just the first meeting...maybe once you get into the feel of things you''ll feel better).

What I''m even sorrier about, is that your parents are making you feel that you''re expendable...that somehow your sister is more important to them than you are! It peeves me off to no end!

Maybe if they expressed some sort of disapproval over the way she is acting, instead of going along with her craziness, she''d grow up and stop acting like a spoiled two year old!

 

[E B]

Date: 2/1/2007 6:05:51 PM
Author: Kerbear560

Maybe if they expressed some sort of disapproval over the way she is acting, instead of going along with her craziness, she'd grow up and stop acting like a spoiled two year old!

This is so true! They're obviously letting her tantrums get to them, and I've said it once but I'll say it again...I'm SO proud of you for not letting her tantrums get to YOU.

This isn't the end of her life (or anyone's, for that matter), it's a wedding. It's supposed to be a happy time, and she's trying to ruin it for everyone in order to get her way. And that's ridiculous. You've done nothing wrong by wanting to have your wedding in 2008. Say it with us, girl: She cannot claim an entire year!

I truly hope you have your wedding when you want and let her scream and cry until she wears herself out. She sounds exactly like the three-year-old I babysit when she's cranky and tired, which is depressing seeing as how your sister is supposed to be an adult. If she's doing this now (and has been doing it for however many years), odds are she'll keep doing it and for your and your future husband's mental health and general well-being, you can't let her. She can scream, cry, and threaten all she wants, but in the end YOU decide if she gets her way. Stand firm, AllyTIGER!

I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with your parents, but I'd try to talk to them about how *you* feel when she's not around. About how you're being reasonable and have stepped aside so she can have YOUR wedding date in order to keep some semblance of peace. About how the possibility of them disowning you to save face is absurd and disappointing.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck and all the strength in the world. Please, vent to us whenever you need to.

 

[icekid]

hey ally..

I just wanted to say- don''t worry too much about feeling uncomfortable in the hospital! I am on the quieter side too, but I am much more comfortable now w/ the hospital, patients, the whole deal. Being in the hospital is a completely terrifying experience for most med students when they start! even the ones who seem to take it in stride.

And I bet that you knew a lot of the answers too- but when you''re a shy type, it might be that you''re too focused inside yourself especially when you''re nervous.

believe me, you are plenty smart to do this! Try not to compare yourself to others too much. There will always be someone smarter, someone who gets along with the residents better (the basis for getting good clinical grades here anyway), someone who works more.

And keep standing up to your family! You are not doing anything wrong. No bad karma for you sweetie

 

[AmberGretchen]

Poor Ally - I''ve been following this thread, even though I haven''t contributed before now. First let me say I am so sorry you are going through this and I think its amazing that you stood up to your sister and FBIL - you should be so proud of yourself!

I just felt compelled to post now because two things you said struck such a cord with me.

The first is the feeling that your parents are treating you as though you are expendable. This is an incredibly painful thing to experience. I know from firsthand experience, as when I was 16 my father basically told me that if I couldn''t make things work with my stepmother (who treated me badly and though I was a selfish, horrible person), that not only would be cut off contact and never speak to me again, but if "anything happened to him" (he is older and has high blood pressure, etc...) that it would be my fault. I have to tell you that I''ve carried that remark around for years, and it is only recently, after my wedding, with the support of my wonderful DH and friends and with therapy, that I''ve started to let go of what happened and begin to understand that the fact that my dad has such serious issues that he basically considers me expendable is about him and not about me or what kind of daughter I am. My heart just aches for you to know that your parents are putting you through this same feeling, and I wish I could say that it will get better, but it really only gets different for a long, long time. I would encourage you though to ask yourself the really hard questions about what it means that your parents are willing to even consider disowning you in a situation like this - I think it speaks to them having their priorities seriously screwed up and has nothing to do with you as a daughter, but if you don''t try to talk this out with your FI and therapist and anyone else you trust it will just eat you up inside.

On a slightly less serious note, how you described feeling in med school right now with your new group is exactly how I felt my first year of graduate school - like everyone knew more than me and I would just never be as good or as smart. I don''t know what to say to make that better either, but I''d bet that there are things that you are better at than these students, no matter how good they are. If nothing else, you seem to have a compassion that is lacking in many doctors, no matter how smart or knowledgeable they are, but that means the world to patients who are in pain and scared about what might happen to them.

Anyway, I hope that some of that is helpful and I truly wish you the best in dealing with this horrible painful situation. I agree with everyone that you are 100% in the right here, and I hope that things will work out better for you soon.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 2/1/2007 6:17:25 PM
Author: EBree

Date: 2/1/2007 6:05:51 PM
Author: Kerbear560

Maybe if they expressed some sort of disapproval over the way she is acting, instead of going along with her craziness, she''d grow up and stop acting like a spoiled two year old!

This is so true! They''re obviously letting her tantrums get to them, and I''ve said it once but I''ll say it again...I''m SO proud of you for not letting her tantrums get to YOU.

This isn''t the end of her life (or anyone''s, for that matter), it''s a wedding. It''s supposed to be a happy time, and she''s trying to ruin it for everyone in order to get her way. And that''s ridiculous. You''ve done nothing wrong by wanting to have your wedding in 2008. Say it with us, girl: She cannot claim an entire year!

I truly hope you have your wedding when you want and let her scream and cry until she wears herself out. She sounds exactly like the three-year-old I babysit when she''s cranky and tired, which is depressing seeing as how your sister is supposed to be an adult. If she''s doing this now (and has been doing it for however many years), odds are she''ll keep doing it and for your and your future husband''s mental health and general well-being, you can''t let her. She can scream, cry, and threaten all she wants, but in the end YOU decide if she gets her way. Stand firm, AllyTIGER!

I''m not sure what kind of relationship you have with your parents, but I''d try to talk to them about how *you* feel when she''s not around. About how you''re being reasonable and have stepped aside so she can have YOUR wedding date in order to keep some semblance of peace. About how the possibility of them disowning you to save face is absurd and disappointing.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck and all the strength in the world. Please, vent to us whenever you need to.

Yeah... that sums it up for me.

Its not karma honey. Its just LIFE... I have lawschool stories that sound just like your med school stories. Now I''ve got a job I love... and I appreciate it all the more because of everything I struggled with to get it. Sometimes life gives you lemon... make lemonaide.

And honey... no one said that it would end at the one confrontation. Its going to continue. You are going to have to be strong. AND... I would follow through on your threats to BIL.. spill the beans to your parents about all his lies. JUST your parents, they REALLY shoudl know what kind of man their daughter is marrying.

 

[Trelala]

Ally, I''ve been following your story and wanted to say none of this is your fault!!! You''ve handled your sister & FBIL with grace and class, more importantly you have 100% PS support and admiration.

send hugs your way...
keep us posted!

 

[Hopes]

Ally, I have a feeling that you are suffering from the same self-berating that a lot of Asians, particularly those who are motivated and smart, go through. We all want to be the best and perfect at school, grades, work, etc. etc. and it just can't happen. Over the years I've realized that none of those things matter -- money, material success, admiration of your peers, superficial awards, markers and grades, etc. -- none of that replaces true happiness within oneself. Unfortunately, your personal life right now is not helping you, and I know you can't just give up on your family. It's too ingrained into you, so much so that it's become part of who you are.

I think you have to just find your passion and use it to unwind, and escape the crazy driven world of stats and numbers and grades. That's easier for me to say since I'm not in med school (nor did I ever have any ambition to go to post-graduate schooling despite my parents' urgings; both of them are in the medical field). But I do feel like I know what you go through, and that feeling of hopelessness when you feel like other people just know more than you, are smarter than you, etc. You are far better than just numbers though. You have other great qualities, and don't forget that. We're only going to fall from our own arrogance, and these French kids sound like they have a ton of growing up to do before they find out just how.

One advice columnist I read sometimes tells her readers, family is just an accident of birth. You definitely do not have to tow their line when they are out of line. There are lots of horror stories out there about familial abuse, molestation, incest, etc., but in Asian cultures family is above all in importance. These just don't reconcile... if someone in your life is a bad influence, remove the influence. Your sister wants your parents to disown you? If that was me, I'd tell her off before I cut her out of my life FOREVER. I disowned MY parents. I never call them, I never talk to them, and I never visit them. I haven't seen any of my relatives in years. Is that cold-hearted of me? Maybe, but I got sick and tired of their making me feel miserable all the time. I removed their toxic shadowing over my life, and I have more time to do what I love, and hope for a family of my own where I won't treat my children like throwaway crap.

That's just me, though. I know you can't do that, but just know that the option IS there, and you DON'T have to take any crap from ANYONE. Not your sister, not your parents, not your family, not some gossipy neighbors, not some community. YOU are the most important person in your life. If you care about some members of your family, and they care about you, then keep in contact with them. The rest, you can simply cut out like a cancer from your life. If they are such a contagious curse that they spread to the rest of your family, then cut those parts out, too. Your mental health is JUST as important as your physical health, if not more so -- and the two interact with each other in such intricate ways! Understand this fully, please, and do surgery on the cancer.

P.S. My wedding will not involve any of my parents. <3

 

[xiuying]

Author:allycat0303
In other related news, my sister is waging a full dis-own campaign, which I''m ignoring. Ignoring my parents. Staying at my guy''s house, until I know no one is home. I think the worst part of all this is that she and FBIL are SO convinced they are 100% right and I''m being the devil. It''s impossible to even talk or reason because they are on this holy conviction that I should be slaugthered for not bending to their wishes. And my parents. I don''t know. I''m only getting second hand info through my aunt and my grandma. She says they aren''t angry but my sister is being so forceful that they might end up doing what she wants because they are very afraid of losing her, being embarassed etc. But what really hurts at this moment is knowing that they even would entertain the thought of disowning me at her request. If it is disowning me or her being mad at them, why did it become that having her as a daughter was more important then me? I don''t know when I became so expendable but it hurts a lot.

Ally,

I read this last night and couldn''t get it out of my mind. The thought of my parents entertaining anything like that is just... not even possible for me to contemplate... and I''m so sorry that you have to go through this. It isn''t fair or right, particularly with your medical studies, and ... *hugshugshugs*

The part that makes me curious is that... it seems like a lot of the communication occuring within and around your family is through secondhand information. You obtained the info about your BIL from someone else, you''re learning about how your family feels from someone else, and you''re not speaking directly to anyone in your family, so if they''re obtaining information about you, it''s from someone else. While it might be easier this way (and I''m certaintly not advocating that you reopen communication lines with your sister, she seems to be completely unreasonable) could it be that the information people are receiving is incorrect?

I think, as another poster said, it might be best to try and have a long talk with just your parents, to the point where no one else was involved. You could try sitting down with your FI and writing down everything in a letter before speaking to them; it might help you organize your thoughts so your priorities come out more clearly... and it turn it might help them understand their own priorities.

I know I''ve hardly ever spoken on this forum so please forgive me for being so "advicey" with you... but your situation breaks my heart and I so wish there was something more I could do to help.