A date conflict....

[Pandora II]

I''ve just had a look at the two links you posted.

Alley, there''s no contest. If it was my wedding I''d be fighting for your venue not the other. Le Windsor just says corporate to me - and how can you make that venue ''yours''?? The other is beautiful, romantic and easier to personalise.

Her venue may be trendy - yours has class.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay... I was prepared to compare venues... then keep my mouth closed about which one I liked b/c from YOUR description... I thought I''d like hers better.

WELL, missy, I didn''t. Yours so PERSONAL and has character and warmth. Her''s frankly, is completely impersonal. It''s just a venue... interchangeablei with any hotel ballroom anywhere in the world. Yours isn''t. And it''s VERY lovely.

 

[robbie3982]

Wow, I can''t believe your sister!!! I hope everything went in your favor last night.

 

[diamondfan]

Note:

I also peeked at both and for what it is worth yours is lovelier by far...maybe it will turn out she did you a favor?!

Le Windsor is okay, very typical, let''d crank out big fancy weddings type of feeling, while the other site is intimate and warm...So much nicer.

I am hoping all went well...I say, get married when YOU guys want, and who ever comes comes, and if people want to be nasty and stubborn and petty, let them...since no matter what you do they will try to wreck it anyway! Do not give them that power...

 

[allycat0303]

I think I need to split this into two posts

. Sorry gals. I didn't post yesturday because I went directly to my guy's house (there's no internet there), but I had him bring my home this morning because I really needed to let you gals know how it went.

Appletini: I will definitely be starting my own traditions, and if I ever have children, I'm not going to be too concerned with keeping the peace. And no child is going to be more favored then another.

oshinbreez, Kaleigh, So_happy, Officers gal, robbie3982, MIMIMS, Kerbear560, galateia, Blenheim, equestrienne, Sweetpea, Blenheim, Thanks for the words of encouragement! I feel kind of alone in this whole thing because it's not something I've shared with the people around me, so having so many people give me feedback and advice is invaluable.

Firegoddess: You aren't named Firegoddess for nothing

If there was one member of PS that I feel could hold her own on anything, it's you! Hugs!

Pandora II: Honestly, I don't know if it's really the kids thing, etc., or bridzilla. More to come.

Poptart: Well lots of things happened, but I don't know what I am doing yet

Sorry.

Gypsy, Cehrabehra, diamondfan, HOUmedgal, Ebree, Oshinbreez, PandoraII: It's funny because I never thought I wanted a big wedding. We actually went searching for the church first, because I wanted a small church (10 pews) because all of the chruches in Quebec are HUGE! It's a cultural thing, there's HUGE churches for every 500 person town. So we chose the reception hall that was nearby to the church. Because that part of the wedding was more important to me then the reception. But when I was describing and then putting the two sites side-by-side, I tried to see it from the PS'ers point of view, and all of a sudden, ours looked incredibly tacky compared to the hip, huge, opulant Windsor. But I'm better about it today. Having you guys give me a little boost was good. I was getting really down on it right before. I never wanted a downtown wedding. And Mont St-Hilaire with the town around it, very wealthy with golf clubs and horse-back riding, is a very upscale kind of resort town. So even the drive there is amazing.

Flopkins: I did a little recon before the big meeting. There was full of intresting tidbits.

Diamondfan: I don't know why it is so far. I have to honestly say that all these years I never thought my family heaped poop on me. It's only recently that I've looked at all the stuff and analyzed and realized that it was awful. My uncle stayed with us, one summer 4 years ago, and when he left he told my relatives "I can't imagine how Ally lives in that house, because she gets screamed all the time" But I remember thinking back then, it's because I'm messy, because I'm not in med school, I'm a disruptive influance. Who knows. But now looking back on it I think the dynamic was very off. But all of this has made me wonder, if a) this is just too toxic b) that it is time to stop this cycle. I don't know why it is so hard to just put family aside. We're raised from when we are very young to honnor the family, the parents, no matter what. That the family is much more important then the individul. It's deeply ingrained I guess, that we don't question it.

 

[allycat0303]

OK so how it went (this is going to be LONG. I'm going to write...then edit and try to make it fit, because it is going to seem like rambling).

Before: So right after I get off PS, I decide I need more info on if the Windsor is booked, STD have been sent out, so I call my aunt. Now my aunt is somewhat of a scandal in the Viet community as she got divoriced which *gasp* is never, never done in my culture. Her best friend is Viet-central. Seriously, busy-body, center of the Viet community. She knows things BEFORE they happen.

So, I find out from my aunt that STD have been ordered but not sent, and that the Windsor is indeed booked. But I'm looking for some ammunition, so I ask them, "So what has T (FBIL) been saying these days?" Now T and I have a history. T lied 2 times about having a job.

1st time 1 year into the relationship, and
2nd time last year 4 years into the relationship (at this point my parents found out, hated him, and let it spill to the busy-body who spread it all over the Viet community).

T is genearally considered a good-for-nothing, jobless loser, who has the fortunate luck to be born in a family that is reletively well off.

T will often say negative things about my fiancé to try and drag him down. Because my fiancé is Canadian he can't defend himself. T is very insecure, but jeez, I can't feel sorry for him because he's the only person I have ever met that can insult your clothes, house, food you're cooking, education, etc., within 5 minutes of meeting you. No wonder he doesn't have a job. I tend to keep my mouth shut, I mean he's an idiot, and my sister goes a little crazy if you utter a single slightly negative thing about him.

So apparently, T has been saying that my fiancé is marrying my for money (I have none, I'm a student), that he's broke, that he can't afford the house, etc. Now this makes me REALLY angry. If T was saying stuff that was true, it would be annoying. But this...l

T actually spends alot of time digging for info on my fiancé. For example when we got engaged, he kept calling my baby wanting to know the color, clarity, weight, cost of my ring. He's always throwing around his parent's money to try and get my guy to divulge some info, but my guy ALWAYS keeps his mouth shut. Asking about his salary etc. I think he wants to make himself feel better that he has more assets or whatever.

 

[anchor31]

I'm going to be late for class so I'm going to write a lengthier reply when I come back, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry this is happening and that FBIL is trying to dump so much poop on both of you. He sounds like quite the loser... Good for you for calling your aunt and getting the info. Send out those STDs asap!

I'm also sorry that you feel alone in this. My phone number changed, but you can always e-mail me if you feel like meeting up and talking. I thought I'd offer just in case.

Hang on sweetie! *hugs*

 

[allycat0303]

The TALK:

So my sister comes home with FBIL, because FBIL always drives her home. I ask to talk to her alone, and she insists FBIL comes too. I don''t care.

I ask her straight out if she booked the Windsor knowing it was my wedding date. She says "Yes" FBIL is smirking in a way that makes it obvious he''s not at all sorry.

I then tell them that I would move my wedding date to July 28, 2007 then (this was to see if it was a same year, etc thing, because I realistically couldn''t plan it here...but a bluff)

AND ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!

She starts calling my selfish, saying that if I have the wedding before hers then everybody will come to mine, and that I''m stealing her spotlight. That hers is a more expensive, lavish event, so therefore I shouldn''t make the guests choose between the two, because they would probably be disappointed to miss her wedding. That I''m trying to take her big day away. How dare I plan something so close to her wedding (oh...yes, she seems to have forgotten she planned her day on MY DAY...details, details...) That she should get married first because she wants children, and I don''t so I''m endangering her reproductive health. Ok. At this point I''m a little spaced out, staring at FBIL''s crooked teeth. Anyways...I actually realize in this moment his parents should have invested in braces. So I don''t really respond to this. I''m like, yeah, "I see how having a wedding in 2007 would upset your 2008 plans, it was just hypothetical. I''ll do it in 2009 then if it makes you happy"

So my sister looks placated, is nodding, and then FBIL says, "I don''t think that is such a good idea, I think you should do it in 2010" And I''m like "oh? why do you say that?"

So he starts explaining to me that:

1) well everybody is going to be comparing our wedding to yours, and we don''t want you to be embarrassed. It would be good to give them time to forget our wedding.

2) that my parents are going to be super-involved in helping them set up/buy their house, so it would selfish of me to impose so much on my parents. There''s furniture, paint, and stuff to be brought.

3) and finally, quite snidely "Because M can''t afford it anyway, so you should give him time to save money for the wedding. You can''t put all that stuff on a credit card"

AND THEN ALLY FLIPPED OUT. (BUT NOT CRAZY. You all would have been quite proud).

I''m like "Oh so you''re saying that your actually booking 2007, 2008, and 2009? It would be selfish of me to have my wedding in the next 3 years?" (calmly)

And FBIL says (he''s practically saying tsk, tsk to me here) "Ally, it''s not like two can afford it anyways, I''m just looking out for your financial state. And of course, I think it would be best for everyone. "

So at this point, my sister''s looking a little uncomfortable, I suspect because she''s knows a little more about my state of finaces then FBIL. So she says "Oh I''m sure they can afford it, 2009 sounds alright". But now FBIL has his teeth in the bone and says "No M. I''m just being a good FBIL"

I say "T, you know how you are always asking my fiancé about how much our house cost? Well I''m going to tell you."

So I tell him everything. Salary. Bonuses. House. How much is left on our mortgage (3 years). The fact that our credit card has $1000 limit. How much is currently sitting in my fiancé''s bank account. How much wedding we can really afford.

And I end it by telling FBIL that if he ever utters one more word about my guy marrying me for money, or is a broke etc., I''m going to reveal his dirty little secrets.

And FBIL has long stopped smirking now, and I divulge all the little secrets I currently know about him:

He currently doesn''t have a job (lie number 3)
He recently moved into an apartment because he had a *job*, but in all actuality his parents are paying the all the bills (cell phone, gas, electric bill) because the only job he is currently holding is the bar-tending one at his family''s resturant.

My sister is shocked, because this is all news to her.

And I tell him, that IF I hear a whisper of anything again, I will be telling the "busy-body" who incidently hates FBIL because he once insulted her cooking (inferior and second rate). And she would be MORE the pleased to spread it all over the Viet community.

And I was having my wedding whenever I damn well pleased.

And then I left. Went to my guy''s house. Cried a bit because I felt bad (really guilty for saying all the stuff, and wondering if I just ended their future wedding plans). But relieved. I haven''t decided what to do about the wedding. But I think I have shut FBIL up for GOOD. Which I think is almost good enough for me if that''s the only outcome.

I''ve been expecting a really nasty phone call, or something from my sister but so far....RADIO SILENCE. We''ll see.

 

[ellaila]

Ally, you are my hero!!!! YOU ROCK, WOMAN!!!!!! I am so proud of you for doing what you did/saying what you said.

And by the way, "At this point I'm a little spaced out, staring at FBIL's crooked teeth. Anyways...I actually realize in this moment his parents should have invested in braces" .... hysterical!!

 

[Pandora II]

This sounds like an episode from a dodgy soap opera! Are you sure that you and your sister are really related?

Congratulations for staying so strong! Now the hard part comes - keeping that way. (I tend to crumble later, because I start to feel guilty).

You did really well. Big supportive hug from the UK here.

Now, when are you sending out your STD''s?

 

[larussel03]

Date: 1/26/2007 8:02:02 AM
Author: allycat0303
The TALK:

I''ve been expecting a really nasty phone call, or something from my sister but so far....RADIO SILENCE. We''ll see.

I can see 2 IMMEDIATELY positive things here, beyond the GO YOU for standing up for yourself.

2 with future implications

1. Your sister sort of stood up for you for a second, rather than trying to debunk you when she told her FI that you guys COULD afford a wedding. That doesnt undo anything she''s done before, but I was suprised she wasnt standing there nodding with her arms crossed or something...

2. Your sister''s silence here may have indicate that some things you said hit home. I''m not saying that the s%*& isn''t going to hit the fan, it could, BUT maybe your sister has finally listened to you....

Only time will tell.

But good job!!! It''s great that you stood up for yourself and I know it feels mean and you feel guilty, but honestly you only feel that way b/c they made you have to do it. It''s not your fault that it had to come to this.

 

[allycat0303]

ellaila: I think I spaced because when she was talking, I was like "are you crazy?", "what's wrong with you???" But no, no screaming, I didn't say one heated word. I think I was more angry at FBIL then my sister. I feel like he might be behind all this. I didn't even say damn, that's how I felt though. I said "I'm going to have my wedding whenever I want"

PandoraII: Life in the Viet community is always more soap-opera then anything. Family feuds, scandal etc. (people not getting into med school *gasp*, girls being disowned.... I think that is one of the main reasons I was attracted to my guy. The relief of knowing that not everybody talked about me was wonderful. They still talk, but I'm quite isolated so it's not that bad. My sister is actually the calm, docile good one. She's just morphed in the post few months to someone I don't recognize. Like birdezilla or something. Although there was another incident a few months past that was also totally out of charcter for her. It's FBIL I think, he's really toxic.

Sweetpea: Oh I don't know. She seems to really want to hang on to this one. It's not the first time he's lied. We've actaully addressed the *I'm superior to you* attitude before, at the beginning of the courtship. She said at that time "he's always saying stuff like that because he's in lala land. He doesn't mean any harm" She even said "I don't bring him when I go out with my friends because he says stuff like that and then they get offended" This is not a peachy, keen guy. The only thing I give you is that he is good-looking. Has family values. And he's Viet. It's her first real boyfriend, and before meeting him she had resigned to *dying alone* So there's fear of being alone, not being able to find another Viet guy that she is attracted to. Lots of stuff. I think despite everything, she really loves him.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Wow! Good for you for standing up for yourself. And better to get out the info on FBIL now rather than later.


"Endangering her reproductive health"....oi.

 

[robbie3982]

OMG!

I can''t believe your FBIL!!! Congrats on standing up for yourself and putting him in his place.

 

[allycat0303]

I'm waiting for the karma backlash. Car accident, piano dropping out of the sky on my head....But at some point I think it was worth it.I think the turning point was knowing that they were attacking my baby. I can't stand that. He's worked for every single thing he has. He hasn't had any help from anyone. I am getting all RILED UP again. Seriously. My gosh, if they had their way, they would book 2007, 2008, and 2009 a 3 year wedding sounds reasonable to them. That they would even ask. ARRRRRGGGHHH. Breath. I am going to get no studying done today. I feel it.

But I think no matter what, there will be no more "I'm better then you" which is good, because I'm sure I would have just blown up in the future anyways.

Rainbowtrout: It feels good but bad too. A least the Viet community isn't going to be talking about my guy behind his back.

Robbie: Thanks. I can't believe him either. But oh. I really have to get this anger under control.

 

[xiuying]

Allycat,

Your story made me come out of hiding! I lurk here all the time and love reading the stories but yours had me holding my breath waiting for you to post!

I just wanted to add that I think it''s SO great you stuck to your guns in that situation. Wanting to have your wedding before someone else''s is something I might be able to understand, but choosing YOUR wedding date is deliberately hurtful and manipulative. That''s not something anyone deserves.

More importantly, now she knows more things about her FI that she needed to know... I don''t know how she can handle someone lying to her, that''s sickening.

I''m sorry you''re having to go through all this. I admit I''m breathing HUGE sighs of relief that neither of my younger sisters are anywhere near engaged... I doubt they''d try to pull something like this but you never know when Bridezilla will emerge

 

[ephemery1]

Trust me, the only karma you're going to get out of this is GOOD karma... suddenly winning the lottery, passing all your exams at the top of your class, a piano falling out of the sky and YOU pushing somebody out of the way and saving their life.

So NO worries about that!!!

You handled everything perfectly... and I love that you asked first about moving it to 2007... it seems like it made their motivations pretty clear right from the beginning... no beating around the bush!

Putting your foot down is SO hard with family, but I think in this case it was absolutely necessary... you say the FBIL is a toxic guy... well don't let him totally poison your sister without letting her see what calm, rational behavior looks like... that contrast is important.

I would imagine their retaliation will be to plan their wedding for spring of 2008 instead... so let them. If yours is going to be small, it's going to be an insignificant amount of people/relatives overlapping between the two anyway. And enjoy your beautiful intimate wedding in its gorgeous location on the date of your anniversary. But maybe still send those STDs out pretty soon.....

 

[ljmorgan]

Ally, I can''t even believe that, they are absolutely insane, and so unbelievably selfish! PLEASE have your wedding EXACTLY when you want -- I can''t believe she would book something on your wedding day, it''s so outrageous. As lovely as weddings are, your sister is putting far too much emphasis on the day. Good luck, I am so sorry that you have to even listen to nonsense like that, and it must feel awful thinking your sister wants to marry such an awful loser!

 

[appletini]

Ally! Way to go! I''m so proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your sister needs to be made aware that getting married is about the marriage not the wedding.

 

[oshinbreez]

YAY ALLY!!!!!!

Now I need to re-read all this so I can respond. Just had to say how proud I am of you.

 

[Mannequin]

Ally, I am VERY impressed. So proud of you! Way to handle this, sweetie - you knocked it outta the park!

Don''t waste your tears worrying about that relationship and whether it will progress to a wedding or not - if your sister has any smarts whatsoever, your revelations on his situation last night should have halted any and all wedding planning. This guy is a moron.

I hope your sister will come to a realization that sometimes love ISN''T enough to overcome lying and character flaws.

I also agree with ephemery. They could try to pull a fast one and switch to an early 2008 date, if these two really wanted to be that deviant. Send the STDs now!

 

[oshinbreez]

How did you keep from smacking your FBIL? I don''t think I could have restrained myself.

I think you did a GREAT job. FBIL and sis both got an ear full. I imagine that you knocked them down a few notches.

As far as your sis learning about her future husband, she needed to have her eyes opened to him. You did her a favor. If she decides to marry the him in spite of everything, that''s on her. Atleast you let her know things that she didn''t know. I consider that as being a good sister.

You did such a GREAT job. Be proud of yourself

 

[E B]

Yay ALLY!

YOU GO, GIRL. You are awesome. Seriously, It's almost 7 in the morning and this (plus coffee) practically has me dancing around my living room.

You not only stood up for yourself, you put that A** in his place.

Stick to your guns and have your wedding when you want! 2007, 2008, whenever! Find some gorgeous STDS and order them. Leave one around for sister or FBIL from hell to find, just to show you mean business.

 

[curlygirl]

Ally, I am sooooo proud of you, I''m giving you a standing ovation!

I can''t believe your FBIL is such an ass. I''m so happy you put him in his place. Don''t worry about karma, you''ve done nothing wrong. I think maybe you finally set things straight and only good things can come of that.

Stick to your guns, plan your wedding and be proud of yourself for putting your foot down. I''m so happy for you!!!

 

[poptart]

Good job Ally! You did such a great job!! You don''t need to feel guilty at all. You were only standing up for your relationship and yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with that. And you gotta admit, it had to have felt good to get all that pent up anger off your chest. I hope your underhanded FBIL starts treating you with some respect. And honestly, hopefully your sister can leave this obviously toxic relationship and find someone who won''t lie to her. Best of luck and CONGRATS!!

*M*

 

[anchor31]

I''m so proud of you Ally! You ROCK!

They really needed to be put in their place, and I''m so happy you did! A wedding it''s just one day, I can''t believe anyone would book 3 years because otherwise it would steal their spotlight! Get real...

And all that BS about you two being broke... Even if you were, you don''t have to be rich to have a wedding.

And you endangering her reproductive health!? What a riot!

You really made the bext choice in deciding to have your wedding whenever you want. I''m 100% sure you''ll be happier and very proud to stand up for yourself and your man.

Big hugs to you!

 

[AmberWaves]

Hey Ally, this whole time I''ve followed this thread, just appalled. Let me tell you something: There is nothing but GOOD Karma coming for you. You''ve let everyone walk all over you, but now that it''s hitting a little closer to someone else (your FI) and not just you, you can see the damage their actions can cause. I am SO PROUD of you.

You have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG in ANY way. No matter what has happened with you and FI in the past, you had your date first, you were together first, you''ve been together longer. She should have been GLAD to see that you were starting to take care of yourSELF first, not everyone else. This is YOUR time to enjoy life again. Screw her and her wedding, no matter what she says, she always turns things back to herself it seems. She has no respect for your feelings, and that''s just not sisterly. Look at how much you have done for your family, and how do they repay it? Ally, you''ve done a GREAT thing here. After all, FI is your family now, too.

Be happy. Do what you want. What YOU and FI want comes first, girl!! This is your chance to make the cycle stop. You did really good.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh my god, that braces line was just so funny....

Good for you Ally...stick to your guns. And keep your original date...that still gets my vote!!!!!

 

[janinegirly]

i say do it in july 2007. you have enough time, you''ve been engaged long enough(if you include pre break up time) and it''s a way of finally sending a message that you''re not dealing with this drama anymore and doing what is logical.

go for it!

 

[poptart]

I agree with doing it in 2007, and send those STDs!! You have more than enough time to plan for July.

*M*