Adoption Thread

[Loves Vintage]

Penn, Congratulations!!! Looking forward to photos of Charles and his adorable little nose!

IG, I hope things continue to go well with the new birthmom. What a whirlwind you've been through already. I'm so sorry for that. I look forward to the day, for you, that you will have your sweet child in your arms.

Bella, Thank you for your wonderful update. I was so happy to read it. I hope everything went smoothly and that your family is together now.

 

[Dreamer_D]

IG I am sorry for your loss, hon. I hope things work out well with your new match!

Penn Congrats!!

Bella Can't wait to hear more!

 

[dcgator]

Penn - I am so happy that everything is well with little Charles Parker. I can't wait to see pics once things settle down

Bella - How wonderful that you got to meet your little boy! I hope that the court proceedings continue to go as planned so you can take your little B back to the US with you ASAP. Take care!

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Bella - I'm thinking of you! I hope you are having a fabulous time and enjoying your first few weeks of mommyhood.

Penn - Thinking of you too and little Charles! Can't wait to hear more about him.

As for me...our birthmother will be 30 weeks on Saturday. The relationship with her is much different than with the previous birthmom. I had almost daily communication with the previous mom and have had basically none with the current. I realize every situation and every person is different though. Perhaps she is still making peace with her decision or maybe she has no desire to communicate with us until she has to. Maybe it's better for me since infrequent communication may keep me from becoming so invested. I just feel like I'm walking a fine line between reaching out too much and seeming overbearing and not reaching out enough and seeming uninterested. Jeez, this process is stressful any way you slice it...

 

[Loves Vintage]

As for me...our birthmother will be 30 weeks on Saturday. The relationship with her is much different than with the previous birthmom. I had almost daily communication with the previous mom and have had basically none with the current. I realize every situation and every person is different though. Perhaps she is still making peace with her decision or maybe she has no desire to communicate with us until she has to. Maybe it's better for me since infrequent communication may keep me from becoming so invested. I just feel like I'm walking a fine line between reaching out too much and seeming overbearing and not reaching out enough and seeming uninterested. Jeez, this process is stressful any way you slice it...

Hi IG,

I'm sure it's that every person is different. It's got to be hard to know what is "normal" in terms of communication in a situation like this. Does the agency have any advice for you in terms of what to expect communication-wise? Are they involved in communications at all at this point? I hope things work themselves out so you feel more comfortable in terms of communication. You may just have to chalk it up to people being different, like you said. I'm sure you have a lot of added stress given your prior experience. I really hope everything works out.

Oh, I'm not sure if you mentioned this earlier, but do you know gender?

 

[ImperfectGirl]

As for me...our birthmother will be 30 weeks on Saturday. The relationship with her is much different than with the previous birthmom. I had almost daily communication with the previous mom and have had basically none with the current. I realize every situation and every person is different though. Perhaps she is still making peace with her decision or maybe she has no desire to communicate with us until she has to. Maybe it's better for me since infrequent communication may keep me from becoming so invested. I just feel like I'm walking a fine line between reaching out too much and seeming overbearing and not reaching out enough and seeming uninterested. Jeez, this process is stressful any way you slice it...

Hi IG,

I'm sure it's that every person is different. It's got to be hard to know what is "normal" in terms of communication in a situation like this. Does the agency have any advice for you in terms of what to expect communication-wise? Are they involved in communications at all at this point? I hope things work themselves out so you feel more comfortable in terms of communication. You may just have to chalk it up to people being different, like you said. I'm sure you have a lot of added stress given your prior experience. I really hope everything works out.

Oh, I'm not sure if you mentioned this earlier, but do you know gender?

Thanks for responding LV. I did email my caseworker yesterday and she responded by confirming that every person/situation is different and lack of communication isn't always an indicator of the outcome of the adoption plan. Caseworker does communicate with birthmom as well and said she would reach out to try to establish birthmom's wishes for communication going forward.

Yes, we do know that baby is a girl and we've chosen a name...Avery Elizabeth Lastname. I'm so glad I went gender neutral in the nursery! I plan to add a few feminine accents here and there and of course buy all new clothes but will refrain from doing so this time around until we actually bring her home.

eta: your little girl is ADORABLE! I stalk the mommy threads and really can't wait to join you all.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

IG-Everyone is different, and I hope that this b-mom, even if she is less communicative, is processing in her own way and preparing to make this incredible decision. 30 weeks is so close!

We are doing great, B is in the middel of being potty-trained it turns out and got really upset when he went "kaka" in his diaper the other day, so we got a child's potty (aka popo in ET) and he's gone everytime since! Dry diapers at nighttime and naps and he walks over to it when he needs to go!!! He's a genious He also is picking up English really quickly and walked around our room the other day chanting "no-idellum, idellum-no" (idellum is "no" in Amharic--he made that connection all on his own )

We are great, ET is amazing. We can't wait until his paperwork is all done and we can travel outside of Addis to see more of the countryside. The rains began today and it is kind of dreary and internet is ssssllllloooowwww, but definitely better than nothing.

B is getting really comfortable with us and has started really acting two, but I love every minute of being a mom! I want to start the process for #2 (or #2 and #3) as soon as we are back in the States (since it will probably take 1-2 years) DH is falling in love with B, but is definitely not ready to start the process for #2 yet...we'll see how he feels in January (I told him that I'll wait until then to bring it up )

We're able to walk to many places which is great and are exploring the parts of Addis close to us. Nothing more than a little travelers tummy for DH or me which is great.

Penn-I can't remember if I posted the other day (PS ate a post and the internet dropped connection on another one ), but I love the name Charles Preston and CONGRATS!

 

[lliang_chi]

IG, so good to hear from you. It sounds like you have a great head on your shoulders. 30 wks is pretty close so I'm keeping all my fingers, toes, etc crossed for you. I love the name too, BTW. Do you know when the due date is?

Bella, great to hear from you too! Sounds like you and your new family ( ) is off to a good start! What a smart little boy you have there! So glad you and your DH are having a great time with B. Hope things go smoothly and your paperwork is wrapped up soon.

~LC

 

[ImperfectGirl]

So good to hear from you Bella! I'm so elated that things are going well and you're enjoying being a mommy. What a smart son you have! I hope you guys do get to see more of ET soon.

LC - thanks, we love Avery too! Due date is Sept. 17.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Penn Congrats! Can't wait for more details!

IG Perhaps you can send your birthmom a note saying what you said here -- that you want her to know you are committed and don't want to bother her at the same time, so you leave it to her to dictate he level of contact she wants. Maybe let her know you will drop her notes to let her know you care, but she does not need to reply if she does not want to?

Bella Excellent update! I can't recall, is B's birthdate information 100% accurate? My aunt and uncle got the wrong birthdate information many times with their daughter whom they are adopting from Mexico. B sounds very advanced for 2.5 I must admit, I would not have minded if my son's came into my life already potty trained

 

[dcgator]

Hey everybody,

Lots going on here in the adoption thread, so let me get to it.

IG - I can't even begin to imagine the emotions that you and your DH are feeling with all of this. As for the experience so far with this birthmom, perhaps it better not to have the same level of communication you had with the other, but then again, maybe she doesn't know how to act/feel either. You mentioned she is a college student, right? In that case, I'm sure this is an awkward situation for her too, but I think Dreamer's note idea would be a good first step. Either way, September is only a few weeks away, so I will keep my fingers crossed for you dear. Btw, I the name choice too, quite lovely!

Bella - That is so great that things are going well with B and that he warming up to you and your DH. That is too funny about him picking up English so quickly. They do say that the best time to teach kids languages is before age 5, so hopefully he will be a native speaker in no time, hehe. Oh, and as for Addis, I have some recs for restaurants from my DH (in order of his favorites):
Aladdin Restaurant - Mediterranean/Middle Eastern
Hamlet Steak House - Steak
Jewel of India - Indian
Zebra Grill - chicken wings...
Crown Restaurant - Authentic Ethiopian
Kaldi's Coffee - Starbucks rip-off
Family Restaurant - "Tex-Mex"
There is also a list of the "top" restuarants in Addis, in case you haven't seen it:
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurants-g293791-Addis_Ababa.html#EATERY_OVERVIEW_BOX
I talked to my cousin a couple months ago (she lives there) and I think most of these places are still there, so enjoy!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thanks so much for the restaurant recs DCG! we've been to a few already and will be to more soon i am sure

DD-his age is pretty accurate, so we're sticking with it (he'll be 3 at the end of october). they are hard core about potty training at the care center, so he definitely has been in pt boot camp! how is it being a mpm of 2?!

IG-hope all is well and i think the note is a great idea!

liang-thanks for the congrats.

B's eye swelled shut today, so our first dr visit, they think he might have an egg allergy, but dont do allergy testing in ET so we'll need to get that done as soon as we are back in the states!

 

[AGBF]

B's eye swelled shut today, so our first dr visit, they think he might have an egg allergy, but dont do allergy testing in ET so we'll need to get that done as soon as we are back in the states!

Bella-

My daughter's boyfriend has been allergic to eggs all his life-for as long as he can remember. He can't eat any cakes or cookies. He never has a birthday cake. When he entered our family we wondered about eggless recipes, but he was very, very set in his ways (at age 25) just skipping cakes, etcetera. I assume you won't have to go that route with B. if it turns out he is allergic to eggs; there are so many things one can substitute for eggs in recipes!

I am a veteran of lactose intolerance cooking wars due to the health challenges that my sister-in-law and two nieces face. None of them can have any milk products, so when they come over, we need to have only lactose-free foods. It was strange to switch from watching out for milk on packages to watching out for eggs! But it can all be done.

I am so happy for you to have your little guy at last!!! Keep the news coming!

Hugs,
Deb/AGBF

 

[swingirl]

B's eye swelled shut today, so our first dr visit, they think he might have an egg allergy, but dont do allergy testing in ET so we'll need to get that done as soon as we are back in the states!

Bella-

My daughter's boyfriend has been allergic to eggs all his life-for as long as he can remember. He can't eat any cakes or cookies. He never has a birthday cake. When he entered our family we wondered about eggless recipes, but he was very, very set in his ways (at age 25) just skipping cakes, etcetera. I assume you won't have to go that route with B. if it turns out he is allergic to eggs; there are so many things one can substitute for eggs in recipes!

I am a veteran of lactose intolerance cooking wars due to the health challenges that my sister-in-law and two nieces face. None of them can have any milk products, so when they come over, we need to have only lactose-free foods. It was strange to switch from watching out for milk on packages to watching out for eggs! But it can all be done.

This is a recipe from the depression era when milk and eggs were rationed. It's a family favorite.
Wacky Cake NO EGGS — NO MILK
1 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
6 T cocoa
1/2 tsp salt
Add to dry ingredients:
6 T oil
1 tsp vanilla
1 T vinegar 1 cup cold water

Pour into well greased 8x8 pan. Bake 30 minutes at 350°.

Sorry for the thread jack but dietary restrictions are always tough to work around and I have made this cake for years.

 

[Loves Vintage]

IG, I'm glad the agency is able to intervene and help you figure things out. I like Dreamer's idea too (she gives the best advice!), but I'd wait to hear what the agency reports back. Thank you for the compliment on my little S. She is without doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am so hopeful that things work out and in 10 weeks, you will know the same thing about your little girl. CAN'T WAIT to see you over in the new momma thread.

Bella!!! So happy to hear that the adoption is finalized! I was checking your blog for updates and was so happy to see your update here. (Not sure if you're able to check it with your slow connection, but a poster "C" is hoping for an update.) And, nice to hear how well things are going, with the exception of the possible allergy. It's so sweet to hear you bragging about your smarty pants boy and that you're thinking of no. 2 already! Enjoy every moment and hope paperwork is finalized timely. Would love to see pictures both of B and your adventures when you get back!!

 

[poptart]

Hello everyone,

I was reading through the posts and don't have anything very helpful to add, but wanted to say "thank you" to all of you who are considering or are in the process of adoption. I am adopted and am thankful every day for the family I have been given. You are giving a child a wonderful gift. Thank you.

 

[AGBF]

This is a recipe from the depression era when milk and eggs were rationed. It's a family favorite.
Wacky Cake NO EGGS — NO MILK
1 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
6 T cocoa
1/2 tsp salt
Add to dry ingredients:
6 T oil
1 tsp vanilla
1 T vinegar 1 cup cold water

Pour into well greased 8x8 pan. Bake 30 minutes at 350°.

Sorry for the thread jack but dietary restrictions are always tough to work around and I have made this cake for years.

This was heaven sent! I am printing it out immediately! Thank you, swingirl. I am sure Bella will be delighted with it, too!

Deb/AGBF

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thanks swingirl! We'll be making that for his birthday in October

With max benedryl doses for 2 days his eye is almost back to normal and the coughing and wheezing is gone. That was not fun! Being a parent can be scary! Our hearts were so broken when his eye was so swollen, it was totally shut, top and bottom lid swollen, with a rash over his face and the inside of his arms. I have allergies and carry an epipen and it looks like he might be a chip off the old block

Today we are dialing back the benedryl and starting tomorrow he'll be on daily claritin doses, with benedryl in case of emergency, and we'll be meeting with an allergist as soon as we are back in the states!

LV-thank you! Blogger gets tricky from here, but I will try and update it again today

 

[ImperfectGirl]

So glad that B is on the mend Bella!

Penn - Thinking of you often and hoping things are going well! How are the twins liking their baby brother?

Thank you all for your feedback and suggestions regarding how to address the communication issue!

As for us...we did get some feedback from the birthmother regarding her desires for communication and things are going well. 30w3d and trucking along. I'm definitely not as engrossed this time around but perhaps it's for the best. Also, I'm in the application process of applying for a commission in the USAF which is serving as an excellent distraction.

I hope everyone is well!

 

[lliang_chi]

IG, Best of luck on the commission! I hope things keep moving along for you. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Bella, Hugs to you from across the globe. Hope all is well, and glad B is doing better after the allergy meds.

Penn, seems like Charles is keeping you busy. Hope the twins are loving their new baby brother too.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

thanks so much everyone!

B's doing much better re allergies, but appears to have a scalp fungus Hopefully we'll be able to find the right treatment here as it this type of fungus is apparently not seen often in the US...

IG-my internet ran out the other day, but I LOVE the name Avery Elizabeth and hope that you are a mommy in a few short weeks! GOod luck with the commission application!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Bella and Penn- hope all is well with you guys!

So, question for you adoptive (or soon to be) parents- does the term "natural parent" bother you? If someone referenced your child's birth parents as their natural parents, would you correct them? Someone said that about my birth parents today and I was really shocked. I know the general community isn't as knowledgeable about adoption issues and language. I mentioned that in an adoptive families online community and while not that many have responded, most have said that wouldn't bother them.

Just curious what your take is on this- am I being overly sensitive?

 

[ImperfectGirl]

Bella and Penn- hope all is well with you guys!

So, question for you adoptive (or soon to be) parents- does the term "natural parent" bother you? If someone referenced your child's birth parents as their natural parents, would you correct them? Someone said that about my birth parents today and I was really shocked. I know the general community isn't as knowledgeable about adoption issues and language. I mentioned that in an adoptive families online community and while not that many have responded, most have said that wouldn't bother them.

Just curious what your take is on this- am I being overly sensitive?

It would bother me Logan. Would that make the adoptive parent the unnatural parent? I've never come across that terminology in talking with others about our adoption experience but I have heard birth parents referred to as the "real parents". This bothered me as well. I definitely prefer the term birth parent/mother for the birthmom and adoptive parent or just plain parent for my husband and I. I'm unsure as to whether I'd correct the person as I tend to be non-confrontational but it would definitely bother me. Sorry that happened to you.

 

[lliang_chi]

IG, to me, I would think the people that are giving the child a loving home are parents. Full stop. And for what it's worth, I think you'll make a GREAT parent

~LC

 

[Bella_mezzo]

yeah, terminology is kind of a sticky wicket...I try to be a thick-skinned as possible and offer better options if someone uses a term I don't like, mostly b/c I don't want my child to feel demeaned in any way (I am not nearly so concerned about my feelings on the matter as I have enough judgement that I can usually discern where someone is coming from when they use a term), but I haven't really settled on terms that I think are great...

The one that bothers me the most is "real parent" used to describe "birth parents" b/c it can make children feel like their parents aren't their parents.

"Natural parent" is not great either IMO as it makes it seems that a child's adoptive parents are unnatural or artificial.

"Birth parent" is less than ideal IMO b/c it sort of makes them seem like all the did was squeeze out a kid. So, if I use that term I try to be sure that I am being very respectful and highlighting other qualities about them.

"First parent" is preferred by a lot of people in the adoption world right now but I like it even less than birth parent, b/c it makes it seem that the child could have a string of parents and b/c Americans (and especially children) inherently associate first and second with a heirarchy....

So, for now I use "birth parents" but I acknowledge that it is less than ideal...any other ideas? For us, we use "parents" and if clarification is necessary we use adoptive parents.

On a more positive note...our adoption is done and the final documents are being issued today or Monday. now we start the immigration process, but we're officially B's parents

tried to upload pics, but it's not working...I'll try again tomorrow...

 

[ImperfectGirl]

On a more positive note...our adoption is done and the final documents are being issued today or Monday. now we start the immigration process, but we're officially B's parents

YAY!!!!!!
I'm so happy for you all and can't wait to see the little guy!

 

[lliang_chi]

Hooray! So happy for you Bella! Hope the immigration process goes smoothly!

~LC

 

[lili]

Bella
so happy for you.
Can't believe how fast the process has been for you.
Hope the rest goes smoothly.
Can't wait to see B.
Regarding the terminology...how about "biological" parents?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Congrats, Bella, on legally becoming B's parents!!

I used to lurk on the TTC thread back when you were still trying and always thought that you and your husband would make such amazing parents one day. You've always been so patient and positive during this looong journey (I have no doubt that MANY times you probably didn't FEEL patient and positive, but trust me, you've always had an amazing attitude). I don't think there was ever any doubt that you would have kids one way or another, but it's really, really neat to see you finally get your child. I'm so excited for you and your family.

 

[AGBF]

Regarding the terminology...how about "biological" parents?

That, to me, would be ideal. And has as much chance of being used as the correct title for the current Duchess of Cambridge, who will be called, "Princess Kate"; "Princess Catherine"; and anything else the press wants. I have heard my daughter's biological mother referred to as her, "real mother" all her life! For better or worse, real life trumps what people call you. My daughter treats me like her real mother since that's what I am. And, oh, how I want to escape that sometimes!!!

Deb/AGBF