Age.

[Isolde]

Why does being relatively young and engaged, automatically make people assume you''re rushing into marriage, and that your relationship will inevitably fail because of it? My fiance and I are still in post-secondary, and actively working toward graduating. So, we''re young; why does that pose such a problem for some people? We don''t need to be reminded of this constantly as, shockingly, I am very well aware of my age. The things we''ve been encouraged to do before marrying have ranged from annoying, to downright disgusting (sleeping around, for example). Frankly, I''m sick of this. I have a couple of cousins who decided to marry some years after college that have, unfortunately, divorced. They''ve probably been the worst offenders, in the sense that they''re constantly citing their own failed relationships: "I got married young, and look what happened to me."

Sure, why not also mention how you were painfully immature, and had the most unreasonable and idealistic expectations when it came to marriage? I consider myself to be a mature individual, I have always felt myself to be an old soul, and years ahead of my peers in that sense. My fiance and I have been together for nearly 5 years, and we''ve weathered many, many storms (though apparently this isn''t valid unless you''re over 25

). I''m confident in us, and our relationship. We''re not into partying (at least, not in the typical sense), doing wild things that would make your mother cringe, or using our age as an excuse to be reckless and irresponsible. We have no so-called "wild oats to sow", and we wouldn''t want to anyway. I''m not going to pretend I''ve experienced all there is to life yet (because that would be an immature notion), but whatever is in store, I can experience with my future husband at my side. What I don''t know about myself yet, I will find out with him beside me. Why is growing as an individual seen as something you can only do by yourself? Two people can grow together.

Sorry for the rant, I''ve just grown increasingly frustrated with this situation. How many others are young, and experiencing the same thing?

 

[misysu2]

Hey Isolde! I just wanted to tell you that I totally support you and know where you''re coming from. Although I''m now over 25, I''ve been ready for marriage for a while.

And I just wanted to tell you that my parents got married at 16 and 18 years old and they''re still going strong 29 years later!!

 

[Isolde]

I''m glad someone can relate! That''s amazing about your parents.

 

[xapora]

You couldn't have said it better, and I can completely identify. My husband and I are 23 and 22 and have been together for 7 years. We just got married last month and believe me, we had to endure a lot of the looks and remarks from people we barely know when we got engaged (those who really know us knew the engagement was coming for a while). It's especially bad when you're basically each other's only serious relationship and everybody knows it. But as the engagement period passed and the wedding approached I found that many of the people who were commenting on our ages saw how much we truly love each other and were happy for us. I kind of learned not to let them bother me because if they wanted to pass judgment on me and my relationship while barely knowing us at all, then I didn't care about their opinion anyway.

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 12:52:38 PM
Author: xapora
You couldn't have said it better, and I can completely identify. My husband and I are 23 and 22 and have been together for 7 years. We just got married last month and believe me, we had to endure a lot of the looks and remarks from people we barely know when we got engaged (those who really know us knew the engagement was coming for a while). It's especially bad when you're basically each other's only serious relationship and everybody knows it. But as the engagement period passed and the wedding approached I found that many of the people who were commenting on our ages saw how much we truly love each other and were happy for us. I kind of learned not to let them bother me because if they wanted to pass judgment on me and my relationship while barely knowing us at all, then I didn't care about their opinion anyway.

I know exactly how you feel, with being each other's only serious relationship. We are exactly in the same position, and people always say we should date around, just to see what else is out there. I know what else is out there, I can SEE what else is out there. I'm not interested, and won't ever be. I don't have to date other men to confirm that my darling is the one for me. I try not to get down about it, but since he and I got engaged, we've been met with nothing but negativity from the majority of people (from our ring, to our age, everything). This is the happiest time of my life, and no one can share that happiness with us. It's just refreshing to be here, and know others can relate.

 

[partyjewels]

I''m 22, and will be 23 when we get married later this year. I haven''t had too many problems with people telling me I''m too young to get married once we actually got engaged, in fact we got alot of "It''s about time!" comments which I thought was odd since a bunch of them came from people who waited FOREVER to get engaged, or people who had been together alot longer than us and STILL weren''t engaged...

I think I don''t get so many comments about it because FI is six years older than me, and alot of people tend to forget about our age difference and just lump me in at the same age as him. Alot of his friends/family when they met me were shocked, SHOCKED, that I was "so young" (I was 19 when we met) because apparently I didn''t act like any other people they knew of the same age and they had just assumed that I was the same age as my FI. Alot of them didn''t know how old I was until they''d ask us to go out for drinks and I would decline since I was underage at the time, they''d always get confused

Alot of those comments come from people who are bitter, jealous, etc. Some of them come from people who really do love you and just want you to be happy, but they worry, because thats what people do! I think people mix up age and maturity and some can''t tell the difference and just assume that since you''re younger, you can''t possibly be ready for a lifetime commitment like marriage. But really, I don''t think age has much to do with it. My parents got married when they were about 20 I believe, and unfortunately, they''ve been divorced for about 4 or 5 years now because my dad had some kind of mid-life crisis and decided that he didn''t feel like trying to work it out. But on the same token, my grandparents were married around the same age and they''re still going strong!

So at the end of my ramble, I wish you peace of mind when dealing with people who choose to bother you about it.

 

[xapora]

Date: 1/28/2008 1:06:29 PM
Author: Isolde

Date: 1/28/2008 12:52:38 PM

Author: xapora

You couldn''t have said it better, and I can completely identify. My husband and I are 23 and 22 and have been together for 7 years. We just got married last month and believe me, we had to endure a lot of the looks and remarks from people we barely know when we got engaged (those who really know us knew the engagement was coming for a while). It''s especially bad when you''re basically each other''s only serious relationship and everybody knows it. But as the engagement period passed and the wedding approached I found that many of the people who were commenting on our ages saw how much we truly love each other and were happy for us. I kind of learned not to let them bother me because if they wanted to pass judgment on me and my relationship while barely knowing us at all, then I didn''t care about their opinion anyway.

I know exactly how you feel, with being each other''s only serious relationship. We are exactly in the same position, and people always say we should date around, just to see what else is out there. I know what else is out there, I can SEE what else is out there. I''m not interested, and won''t ever be. I don''t have to date other men to confirm that my darling is the one for me. I try not to get down about it, but since he and I got engaged, we''ve been met with nothing but negativity from the majority of people (from our ring, to our age, everything). This is the happiest time of my life, and no one can share that happiness with us. It''s just refreshing to be here, and know others can relate.

Aww don''t let them get you down. Like you said, this is the happiest time of your life, and people who want to bring you down from that aren''t people you need to even worry about - you have each other and that''s what matters.

 

[julabean]

I know how you feel, isolde! At least, sort of. My situation is a bit different because my FI and I are not the same age - in fact, we have an 11 year age difference! I''ve had people tell me I''m "too young" and that our age difference "might not be a problem now, but will be later." Normally I just let these comments roll off my back because these are the same people who told me when I was in college that I wasn''t "making the most" of my college years because I wasn''t out partying every weekend or sleeping around, as you mentioned. Like partyjewels, my age hasn''t been a problem with his friends because he''s the last one to get married and everyone normally forgets that I''m at least 5 years younger then they are!

My FI and I fell in love FAST - we had been very good friends for a number of years, and then when we took the next step, it happened quickly. This may be why I received so many "but you have so much left to do!" comments from people when they found out I was engaged and going to be married. Right after we got engaged, I felt that I was always on the defensive about my decision from people who felt I wasn''t going out and doing enough or being married would automatically make me lose my inability to work, pursue graduate school, or do anything else besides being a wife. And while being married is going to be an important part of my life, obviously, I''m still *gasp* going to do all of those other things! In the end, people are going to try and make a big deal out of something that''s not a big deal because they''re unhappy, unsatisfied, or whatever in their own life. An old high school boyfriend who was shocked and appalled I was getting married won''t stop me from doing it. (That''s another favorite reaction...when people are like... "Julia!? Getting married!?" But maybe that''s another post... )

 

[eks6426]

It is hard to be young and hear those comments. You don't have the same perspective as the older people saying them so they don't make any sense to you. It's always easy for older people to look back because then they have perfect 20/20 vision. I'm sure a lot of people are projecting on you their thoughts for themselves.

That being said, it's easy to be 22 and young and in love and ready to conquer whatever comes your way. It's just that we older folks know some of the things that might "come your way" and we want to help, guide, protect. It's just that we're jaded and so are you each blinded by our stage of life. This happens time & time again. Older people advising younger people to do or not do things. I think in many ways, it's just human nature. But everyone has to learn those lessons for themselves.

I'm 36 right now. I got married 2 weeks after college graduation to my high school sweetheart. People told me the same things you are hearing. I didn't listen. I stood firm and believed. Married life was way more challenging than I expected. My life took a much different direction than either I or my first husband expected (he got diagnosed with cancer at age 25 and died a few years later--definitely wasn't in our plans) I understand why the older folks were cautioning me. At 22, you are not really grown up. You haven't had to really deal with life yet. But can you "grow together?" Absolutely. You're just going to have to work harder to make sure you grow in the same direction. Good luck!

 

[Isolde]

Thank you all so much for responding with great advice, I''m thankful that I''m not alone in experiencing this!

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

This is something that was discussed in some length on the LIW boards... Here''s a link https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/the-engagement-marriage-psychology-thread.75630/

I''m experiencing the same reaction, and we''re almost engaged. Everyone wants to know why I want to be married so soon (I''ll be 24 this year) and why I don''t want to "live my life" or wait a little while until "you''re done growing". My view on it is simple. I''ve been with my BF for 6 years, and known him for 7 1/2. We have been very close since we first met. We''ve been living together for 5 years. I don''t have to "live my life" without him. I love my life with him. I''m ready to be his wife. He''s 6 years older than me, but there''s no age issue that we have. I don''t need to travel the world before I settle down. I''d rather travel the world with him by my side to experience it. We''ve been through probably more than couples older than us, and that has proven to me that he is the person I want to be with. I have no doubt in my mind that anything will change, and if it does, we''ll do it together.

The truth is, you need to follow your gut and what feels right to you. I can totally understand your frustration. The thing is, you can''t let anyone get you down, like another poster said. Enjoy this time, because it is the happiest time of your life. From what I''ve experienced - let them see how happy you are together, and let them eat their words.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I think there are two reasons that there is a stigma attached to being a young bride:

1. Statistically, young marriages aren't as successful and
2. There is a lingering stereotype that young brides are uneducated, inexperienced in life (and thus do not know what it takes for a marriage to work) and have very few personal goals outside of having a family.

The first is hard to argue with, unless of course there is some contradictory data. The second point is strictly a stereotype and while it CAN be true, obviously in many cases it's not true.

The reason I think it's become a stereotype is because many educated, self-motivated, independent women would rather wait until they have finished their educations and established their careers before focusing on the next chapter of their lives. I discussed this several times with my college friends back when I was in college. I had one friend who wanted to get engaged before graduating (to her long-term boyfriend) and I had two friends in long-term relationships who told me they wanted to focus on finishing their education before thinking about marriage. I was also in this boat, though at the age of 20 I had my own apartment, was interning full time and going to school full time and my boyfriend had just moved in with me and already had his college degree (he graduated very young), so we definitely felt older than our age. Still, we were very up front about our priorities and while we were eager to go through our life together, at that time our priorites were on our personal goals because we were so young. We didn't want to consider getting engaged until after we were 25.

Of the friends I polled in college, the one who wanted to get enaged did get engaged our senior year, they broke it off 6 months later. One broke it off after college without getting engaged and one got engaged a year later and broke it off 18 months later. DH and I did go on to get engaged and married--we were 26 and 28 when we were married. To be honest, our lives today aren't a ton different than they were when we were in our young 20's, but no matter how mature you are, there is so much emotional growth. Yes, it can be done within a relationship, but it's really difficult to balance your personal priorities with the relationship at such a young age.

I really understand when you say that two people can grow together, it's very true, it's just that when you're so young your focus SHOULD be on yourself. In marriage, you HAVE to put the relationship first.

I know it sounds like I'm down on young marriage--I'm not--I think that any mature couple can work through the issues of their relationship and there are many stories of people marrying young and staying together forever. I'm just saying that these are the reasons people immediately think "uh oh" when they find out a young couple is marrying.

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 1:26:40 PM
Author: IslandDreams
It is hard to be young and hear those comments. You don''t have the same perspective as the older people saying them so they don''t make any sense to you. It''s always easy for older people to look back because then they have perfect 20/20 vision. I''m sure a lot of people are projecting on you their thoughts for themselves.

That being said, it''s easy to be 22 and young and in love and ready to conquer whatever comes your way. It''s just that we older folks know some of the things that might ''come your way'' and we want to help, guide, protect. It''s just that we''re jaded and so are you each blinded by our stage of life. This happens time & time again. Older people advising younger people to do or not do things. I think in many ways, it''s just human nature. But everyone has to learn those lessons for themselves.

I''m 36 right now. I got married 2 weeks after college graduation to my high school sweetheart. People told me the same things you are hearing. I didn''t listen. I stood firm and believed. Married life was way more challenging than I expected. My life took a much different direction than either I or my first husband expected (he got diagnosed with cancer at age 25 and died a few years later--definitely wasn''t in our plans) I understand why the older folks were cautioning me. At 22, you are not really grown up. You haven''t had to really deal with life yet. But can you ''grow together?'' Absolutely. You''re just going to have to work harder to make sure you grow in the same direction. Good luck!

I''m never opposed to sage advice, and I do welcome it, as I''m reasonable enough to acknowledge that those older than me generally have had more life experiences. Bestowing kind words of wisdom, and genuine, constructive concern wouldn''t be a problem. It''s simply the fact that people are not taking me or my relationship seriously, and have gone out of their way to be negative, pessimistic and condescending. I''m not expecting marriage to be perfect, fairytale-like, or easy, but for some reason everyone seems to think I do solely based on my age. Being young doesn''t make a person an idealist, with their head in the clouds, and no sense of the realities in the world around them. I hate such assumptions. I have seen how others have struggled in their marriage, and I''m not naive enough, nor am I stubborn enough to say "that won''t ever be us". I know we will have our fair share of struggles, as that is a part of every marriage. Times of conflict are inevitable, and every union has its own unique challenges. I also don''t think being grown-up and mature, necessarily comes with age. There are 20-year-olds out there who could put a 40-year-old to shame, in that respect. Knowing so little about me, I don''t think it''s fair for these people to assume anything about what I have overcome in my life, what I have experienced, or my level of maturity. I''m just sick and tired of people trying to convince me it will end, before it has even started. Thank you very much for your advice!

 

[Independent Gal]

I''m going to give you some advice that can be used in all kinds of areas of life, including in your marriage. When someone sees things differently from you, the best way to start to see eye to eye is to understand the other person''s perspective and acknowledge that you do. That will make it easier for them to do the same for you. This is true whether you and hubby are arguing about how to spend money or whether you are having a disagreement with a co-worker about how to execute a task.

What does this have to do with your age and us old fogeys? Well, when someone says "You''re too young to get married!" the best response is to say "I understand why that''s often the case. I know that statistically, young marriages are more likely to fail because of things like a greater risk of us growing apart, less practice at communication, and money issues. But its BECAUSE FI and I understand the extra risks in marrying young that we are working extra hard to meet and overcome those challenges. We are doing our very best to go into it armed with knowledge and tools for a great marriage. I understand your concern and appreciate it, but I think because we''re conscious, and not overly naive or romantic, we''ve got a great shot!"

And then go out and do it. Read books about marriage. Get pre-marital counseling. Learn as much as you can about what makes marriages work or fail. Be PREPARED. That''s a very mature thing to do. And it won''t just cut down on nosey comments it also just might help your marriage.

Instead of being angry and defensive (which is a less mature response), acknowledge that there ARE more risks. There are. That''s a fact. Denying it IS childish. But that sure doesn''t mean by any stretch that your marriage WILL fail, just that it''s more likely, statistically. Acknowledge it. Own it. Then do something about it. Learn about the risks and about how to have a happy marriage to help offset those risks. Now THAT''S grown up.

And I''ll tell you it would sure shut me up if young bride was being so level-headed as to acknowledge and try to overcome the risks instead of just saying ''Why do people keep telling me this when I don''t want to hear it?'' Hear it. Then do something about it. That will shut up the old fogeys.

 

[decodelighted]

Congrats on your engagement & finding your life partner! Some more words of advice from an oldster (40):

* concentrating on what people "should" and "shouldn''t" do is fruitless. you can''t control others - just your reaction to them

* life VERY OFTEN isn''t "fair"

* people stereotype -- they just do. wishing it wasn''t so, declaring it "wrong" will only frustrate you

* one way to help control your own REACTIONS to people/opinions/sterotypes is to look behind the words and try to determine the person''s INTENT. Are they trying to insult you or hurt you or judge you or demean you? Or are they genuinely interested in helping you become the best person you can be -- to help you life a happy, fulfilled life --- to share their hard-earned wisdom with you in the hopes it might spare you some heartbreak or frustration.

 

[Isolde]

"I know it sounds like I''m down on young marriage--I''m not--I think that any mature couple can work through the issues of their relationship and there are many stories of people marrying young and staying together forever. I''m just saying that these are the reasons people immediately think "uh oh" when they find out a young couple is marrying."

I know, statistically, young marriages don''t have the best success rate. However, I think it is important for people to really take the couple into consideration, before immediately having a negative response, so as to avoid completely over-generalising. I suppose that is my major qualm with everything. No one ever looks at how long we''ve known each other prior to dating, the problems we''ve endured and overcome, or the fact that we''re each other''s best friend, with similar values and goals. We haven''t jumped into this without consideration, or thought. I didn''t accept his proposal, just so I could have a big wedding and play princess for the day (in fact, we''re doing the exact opposite). This is what they think though, and I can''t convince them otherwise. Our age is their only fixation. Certainly, all our goals and values could change, but things can change at any point in one''s life (not just before they''re 30). I know none of these things guarantee success in a marriage, but what does? No matter how old you are, or what you''ve experienced, a happy marriage is never a guarantee.

It''s just very frustrating. I mean, I could go around making the same type of assumptions. I could conversely argue (quite ignorantly) that a couple who don''t get married before a certain age, are too set in their ways, and thus will never be able to forge a successful marital union. But I don''t, because I don''t believe that, and I would never make an assumption even if there were strong data/evidence to support such a claim, without thoroughly reviewing the characters involved. I guess that''s my real problem with what other people are saying about us. Anyway, thank you for the response and advice!

 

[bee*]

Great post Indy! I agree with it all.

 

[decodelighted]

One more quick thought. I''ve found that many times people are most annoyed by things that they themselves do. If you''re bothered by JUDGMENTS just take a look at your own words:

Date: 1/28/2008 12:34:50 PM
Author:Isolde
So, we''re young; why does that pose such a problem for some people? We don''t need to be reminded of this constantly as, shockingly, I am very well aware of my age. The things we''ve been encouraged to do before marrying have ranged from annoying, to downright disgusting (sleeping around, for example). Frankly, I''m sick of this. I have a couple of cousins who decided to marry some years after college that have, unfortunately, divorced. They''ve probably been the worst offenders, in the sense that they''re constantly citing their own failed relationships: ''I got married young, and look what happened to me.'' Sure, why not also mention how you were painfully immature, and had the most unreasonable and idealistic expectations when it came to marriage?

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 1:54:16 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I''m going to give you some advice that can be used in all kinds of areas of life, including in your marriage. When someone sees things differently from you, the best way to start to see eye to eye is to understand the other person''s perspective and acknowledge that you do. That will make it easier for them to do the same for you. This is true whether you and hubby are arguing about how to spend money or whether you are having a disagreement with a co-worker about how to execute a task.

What does this have to do with your age and us old fogeys? Well, when someone says ''You''re too young to get married!'' the best response is to say ''I understand why that''s often the case. I know that statistically, young marriages are more likely to fail because of things like a greater risk of us growing apart, less practice at communication, and money issues. But its BECAUSE FI and I understand the extra risks in marrying young that we are working extra hard to meet and overcome those challenges. We are doing our very best to go into it armed with knowledge and tools for a great marriage. I understand your concern and appreciate it, but I think because we''re conscious, and not overly naive or romantic, we''ve got a great shot!''

And then go out and do it. Read books about marriage. Get pre-marital counseling. Learn as much as you can about what makes marriages work or fail. Be PREPARED. That''s a very mature thing to do. And it won''t just cut down on nosey comments it also just might help your marriage.

Instead of being angry and defensive (which is a less mature response), acknowledge that there ARE more risks. There are. That''s a fact. Denying it IS childish. But that sure doesn''t mean by any stretch that your marriage WILL fail, just that it''s more likely, statistically. Acknowledge it. Own it. Then do something about it. Learn about the risks and about how to have a happy marriage to help offset those risks. Now THAT''S grown up.

And I''ll tell you it would sure shut me up if young bride was being so level-headed as to acknowledge and try to overcome the risks instead of just saying ''Why do people keep telling me this when I don''t want to hear it?'' Hear it. Then do something about it. That will shut up the old fogeys.

Perhaps I am reading your post the wrong way, but I resent that you''re implying that I''m immature, childish, and I haven''t been handling this appropriately, especially when I haven''t divulged details regarding how I''ve handled the situation in real life. I merely came here to rant because I''m a human being, and frustration got the better of me today; I think it is a fairly natural response to constant negativity, and badgering. I was looking for a place where I could release my frustrations, and perhaps receive the support I wasn''t getting in my daily life. I think I''ve handled the constant hostility quite tactfully and diplomatically, in fact (roughly along the same lines you have suggested). I haven''t been angry or defensive with anyone to my knowledge. I''ve acknowledged that statistics aren''t in my favour. I''ve been doing a fair amount of reading, and my fiance and I have already enrolled in church pre-marriage classes (that was one of our first steps, actually). The responses have all been the same, and thus, I don''t really know how to go about things. Again, I truly apologise if I''m taking your post the wrong way. Perhaps I''m just overly-sensitive at the moment.

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 2:26:06 PM
Author: decodelighted
One more quick thought. I''ve found that many times people are most annoyed by things that they themselves do. If you''re bothered by JUDGMENTS just take a look at your own words:

Date: 1/28/2008 12:34:50 PM
Author:Isolde
So, we''re young; why does that pose such a problem for some people? We don''t need to be reminded of this constantly as, shockingly, I am very well aware of my age. The things we''ve been encouraged to do before marrying have ranged from annoying, to downright disgusting (sleeping around, for example). Frankly, I''m sick of this. I have a couple of cousins who decided to marry some years after college that have, unfortunately, divorced. They''ve probably been the worst offenders, in the sense that they''re constantly citing their own failed relationships: ''I got married young, and look what happened to me.'' Sure, why not also mention how you were painfully immature, and had the most unreasonable and idealistic expectations when it came to marriage?

I don''t get it, I''m not allowed to be sarcastic? I''m also not allowed to believe that encouraging a newly engaged woman that she should have, and I quote "F*cked around" before marriage, is disgusting and in poor taste?

The last one was really just out of frustration. Sorry if any of this offends you, for whatever reason.

 

[decodelighted]

You're allowed to believe anything you want to. You're coming here expressing your desire to be the appropriateness police. You say you want everyone in the world to carefully consider their words and ideas as it pertains to you and your fiance. You have a lot of ideas about how the world "should" be and what people "should" do ... yet when I mention that you *yourself* are a bit judgemental you're QUITE quick to assert your rights.

Which is it? Should people tip-toe around each other ... not stereotyping & judging? OR should they have the right to say what THEY believe anytime they want?

The fact you told Indygal you RESENT what she wrote?

Girl, just ABSORB ... don't react. It'll help you out a lot in life.

 

[bee*]

Just replying why I agreed with Indy''s post-I didn''t take it the way you did at all (guess that''s the wonders of the internet-everyone takes things a different way). I read it that she was offering support, showing you how you can shut these people up when they make comments that you''re too young etc. I understand that you came here to have a rant but by posting defensively about what people say to you, that can be interpreted as not being mature and while people here will be supportive, a lot of people will also give advice which you can take or leave. It must be annoying to have people comment about your age all the time but I think that Indy made a good point about what to say to them.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 1/28/2008 2:47:37 PM
Author: Isolde

Perhaps I am reading your post the wrong way, but I resent that you're implying that I'm immature, childish, and I haven't been handling this appropriately, especially when I haven't divulged details regarding how I've handled the situation in real life. I merely came here to rant because I'm a human being, and frustration got the better of me today; I think it is a fairly natural response to constant negativity, and badgering. I was looking for a place where I could release my frustrations, and perhaps receive the support I wasn't getting in my daily life. I think I've handled the constant hostility quite tactfully and diplomatically, in fact (roughly along the same lines you have suggested). I haven't been angry or defensive with anyone to my knowledge. I've acknowledged that statistics aren't in my favour. I've been doing a fair amount of reading, and my fiance and I have already enrolled in church pre-marriage classes (that was one of our first steps, actually). The responses have all been the same, and thus, I don't really know how to go about things. Again, I truly apologise if I'm taking your post the wrong way. Perhaps I'm just overly-sensitive at the moment.

I'm afraid that on a public forum you will get all sorts of advice and comments - not just those that you want to hear.

If you thought that coming here that we would all chime in and say - oh how ghastly of them, what a terrible thing for someone to suggest that marriage isn't necessarily a good idea at your age - then that is a little naive on your part. You will get a whole range of opinions - that is the great thing about PS.

I don't really understand why you are so offended?

You know your relationship and if you are both mature enough to get engaged and married you really shouldn't care what other people think or say.

The divorce statistics are a very clear reason why people will be worried about early marriage. The older you get the more you do look back and see that the mature person you thought you were at 21 maybe wasn't so mature. I can promise you that you will do exactly the same.


From a personal point of view, I really don't get the rush so many people on this forum have - but that's just the way that my social circle and peer group works. None of us even consider marriage before 30. We hadtoo many other things going on in our lives and that took up any disposable income, to give so much attention to a relationship, plus, when you can easily live till your 80's, why pick your life partner so early? But that's just my feelings on the matter for myself.

I hope everyone here has strong and happy marriages whatever age they choose to marry - each to their own.

 

[TravelingGal]

NewEnglandLady said what I would have said. We "olds" say such things because statistically younger marriages have failed. But I am in a group of 10 couples. Half got married in their twenties (some early on), and the other half in their 30s. None are divorced, and since the 20 something marriages have been going on longer, you could say they''ve been more successful thus far.

I do believe that words of caution can be given gently. At the end of the day, it''s your life and if mistakes are to be made, they are yours to make alone.

On a side note, I don''t know why so many of us in our younger generation disregard advice from older people. I often see an attitude of "that was then, this is now, and I know better." I''ve never had a grandmother and love having one through TGuy now. Some people look at older folks and think they''re a bit loopy. I see them as living treasures...something to be valued as they''ve seen and lived through stuff I''ve only read about. And from what I''ve experienced in my own short life,I know that good, solid advice is timeless.

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 3:01:59 PM
Author: decodelighted
You''re allowed to believe anything you want to. You''re coming here expressing your desire to be the appropriateness police. You say you want everyone in the world to carefully consider their words and ideas as it pertains to you and your fiance. You have a lot of ideas about how the world ''should'' be and what people ''should'' do ... yet when I mention that you *yourself* are a bit judgemental you''re QUITE quick to assert your rights.

Which is it? Should people tip-toe around each other ... not stereotyping & judging? OR should they have the right to say what THEY believe anything they want?

The fact you told Indygal you RESENT what she wrote?

Girl, just ABSORB ... don''t react. It''ll help you out a lot in life.

They every right right to say exactly what they want to me. I''m just upset, why is that such a problem? Why does that make me immature? I didn''t say they couldn''t. Perhaps I should have said I wish they wouldn''t stereotype and judge. That''s all. Please, there is absolutely no need to try and start a fight. Those were not my intentions at all, and I honestly don''t know how a simple post has blown up to such proportions. If I''ve come off as hypocritical, or anything else along those lines, again I apologise. I should word my posts more carefully, and not write them when I''m in an emotional state.

As far as Indygirl goes, resent wasn''t quite the right word, and it was definitely too strong. I was just hoping she''d wait until I gave her a clearer perspective of things, before she implied that I was going about things immaturely. I truly apologise to Indygal, if this caused her any offense, and I hope she accepts my apology. I appreciate all your advice, and I don''t want to make things any worse. It seems I''m really getting off on the wrong foot here. I guess I''ll leave it at that.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/28/2008 3:15:52 PM
Author: Isolde

They every right right to say exactly what they want to me. I''m just upset, why is that such a problem? Why does that make me immature? I didn''t say they couldn''t. Perhaps I should have said I wish they wouldn''t stereotype and judge. That''s all. Please, there is absolutely no need to try and start a fight. Those were not my intentions at all, and I honestly don''t know how a simple post has blown up to such proportions. If I''ve come off as hypocritical, or anything else along those lines, again I apologise. I should word my posts more carefully, and not write them when I''m in an emotional state.

As far as Indygirl goes, resent wasn''t quite the right word, and it was definitely too strong. I was just hoping she''d wait until I gave her a clearer perspective of things, before she implied that I was going about things immaturely. I truly apologise to Indygal, if this caused her any offense, and I hope she accepts my apology. I appreciate all your advice, and I don''t want to make things any worse. It seems I''m really getting off on the wrong foot here. I guess I''ll leave it at that.

Don''t worry, when you get older and more mature, you''ll learn...

I''m actually being totally tongue in cheek here, as my husband is 36 and has not yet learned that particular skill (not shooting off his mouth when steamed). But I attribute that more to him being a doofy man.

 

[decodelighted]

Isolde,

I don''t want to fight with you. I''m trying to say RELAX. The stuff that bugs you, it bugs everyone. No one likes being stereotyped but it happens -- in all areas of life. People aren''t going to do what you want them to do so those of us who have already come to that conclusion are trying to help you realize that and then move on to step B ... "how to deal".

You''re being so sensitive to anything that comes across as the least bit critical! CHILL. Its OKAY. You won''t crumble or melt or die of humiliation. Nobody is perfect and its not even possible to behave maturely and write rationally all the time. MOST of us here don''t expect any such thing from anyone. But people will point out hypocrisy ... its how people learn what is REASONABLE to expect. You may have to lower your expectations for people''s behavior. But its OKAY! And you might even one day realize you''re not as mature as you think you are. That''s okay too! Or you might realize later that you''ve gotten dumber. That would be OKAY.

Cool?

 

[cara]

I was going to write something along the line of indy gal's comments - but apparantly that is not what you wanted to hear? Or you are just looking for insult. Yes this is a forum for vents but also sometimes people reply to your vent with advice. Its the tax for your vent.

You might as well howl at the moon as complain about old people giving young ones unwanted advice - or people in general sticking their head in with unwanted opinions on your personal decisions (Another baby so soon? When is that boy going to make you official? Why did you choose that school/job/person/name?). There is a certain extent to which you show your maturity by letting such comments roll off your back - taking offense only demonstrates your immaturity and susceptibility to pressure.

The other bit of maturity is to acknowledge the accuracy of their comments. That is what IndyGal is saying. It takes the bite out of them: "Yes, we are young, yes, getting married young has risks, we know we are taking this risk, but it is the right decision for us."

You don't argue that you as a couple are somehow superior to other young couples - this smacks of high holiness if I have ever heard it. You don't argue that you know - know - that you will be able to change and grow together as you age and that your marriage will be a success. As you don't know this. (No one does - no one can! Not even us old fogies that get married later in life.) But claiming - or even hinting - you know it will all be peachy makes us slightly-older sages want to talk some sense into you somehow - even if this is also just as fruitless as an old wolf howling at the moon.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

What I am discovering about life is everyone has an opinion (about EVERYTHING). We ALL silently judge other people and most of us have a hard time thinking the way we think is wrong. Only you and your FI know what is right for you. If you feel like this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with then ignore everyone. They probably aren''t questioning your choice in a husband but maybe your rush to get married. I know you have been together for 5 years but 5 years starting in your teens is quite different than 5 years starting in your 30s. Follow your heart. The choice is yours.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

From what I''ve read, it seems like Isolde was coming here and looking for support because of negativity she was facing. That being said, some of the posts were not encouraging, but did come across as advice given to an "immature" audience. She was very direct in her original post by saying she was frustrated by others judging her for being young and in such a commited realtionship, and wanted advice from others who have dealt with it. I am in no way saying that those who married later in life cannot or should not comment, because it is very sage advice that''s offered. However, she is frustrated and that''s the real reason she posted here about it.

Isolde, you''ve gotten some great advice from others who have gone through the same thing.