Age.

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 3:26:35 PM
Author: decodelighted
Isolde,

I don''t want to fight with you. I''m trying to say RELAX. The stuff that bugs you, it bugs everyone. No one likes being stereotyped but it happens -- in all areas of life. People aren''t going to do what you want them to do so those of us who have already come to that conclusion are trying to help you realize that and then move on to step B ... ''how to deal''.

You''re being so sensitive to anything that comes across as the least bit critical! CHILL. Its OKAY. You won''t crumble or melt or die of humiliation. Nobody is perfect and its not even possible to behave maturely and write rationally all the time. MOST of us here don''t expect any such thing from anyone. But people will point out hypocrisy ... its how people learn what is REASONABLE to expect. You may have to lower your expectations for people''s behavior. But its OKAY! And you might even one day realize you''re not as mature as you think you are. That''s okay too! Or you might realize later that you''ve gotten dumber. That would be OKAY.

Cool?

I hear what you''re saying, and I apologise. Trust me, I do appreciate all the advice, even if it doesn''t seem like it at the moment! I admit I have been rather defensive in the past few posts, I guess I just feel like I''ve had to defend myself and my relationship a few too many times in the past month and a bit, and I went a little overboard. Again, I''m very sorry ladies. I hope you all accept my apology, I definitely want to stay on Pricescope, and enjoy many years here, this probably wasn''t the best introduction. I''m sorry.

Decodelighted: cool.

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 3:33:17 PM
Author: sweetjettagirl04
From what I''ve read, it seems like Isolde was coming here and looking for support because of negativity she was facing. That being said, some of the posts were not encouraging, but did come across as advice given to an ''immature'' audience. She was very direct in her original post by saying she was frustrated by others judging her for being young and in such a commited realtionship, and wanted advice from others who have dealt with it. I am in no way saying that those who married later in life cannot or should not comment, because it is very sage advice that''s offered. However, she is frustrated and that''s the real reason she posted here about it.

Isolde, you''ve gotten some great advice from others who have gone through the same thing.

Thank you for understanding.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

Date: 1/28/2008 3:41:34 PM
Author: Isolde

Date: 1/28/2008 3:33:17 PM
Author: sweetjettagirl04
From what I''ve read, it seems like Isolde was coming here and looking for support because of negativity she was facing. That being said, some of the posts were not encouraging, but did come across as advice given to an ''immature'' audience. She was very direct in her original post by saying she was frustrated by others judging her for being young and in such a commited realtionship, and wanted advice from others who have dealt with it. I am in no way saying that those who married later in life cannot or should not comment, because it is very sage advice that''s offered. However, she is frustrated and that''s the real reason she posted here about it.

Isolde, you''ve gotten some great advice from others who have gone through the same thing.

Thank you for understanding.

No problem...

 

[TravelingGal]

Sweetjettagirl, I think PS is a great place for support. However support comes in many forms.

If you look at all the earlier posts, they seem to be from younger women. All understand because they are in that boat. However, no one seemed to say, "Well, they say those things because 20somethings often do fail in their marriages." The vast majority said they disregarded the advice because it came from people who had no right to give it - i.e. people who waited forever to get engaged, people who were still not engaged, people who are unhappy and unsatisified, or people who are obviously a bit cuckoo since previous advice were things like "you should sleep around in college." Nowhere does anyone say, "hey, MAYBE THEY HAVE A POINT. Are they seeing something you don''t see?" The judges judge and the judged justify.

On the other hand, I think the fogeys can be irritating and insulting because they can speak in absolutes. "All 20 somethings can wait." or "Never EVER do this." Everyone believes they can beat the odds, or they are something special and not a potential statistic, so of course it seem a bit offputting to advisee.

There is a balance to be achieved on both ends. But as a previous poster said, you can only control your reaction and your behavior...no one else''s. Some people struggle their whole lives with this. The worst suffer victim mentality (a personal pet peeve of mine.)

Anyway, people are always going to call a spade a spade around here...whatever their view of a spade is. You just hope they don''t hit you over the head with a shovel!

 

[julabean]

Date: 1/28/2008 3:49:54 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Sweetjettagirl, I think PS is a great place for support. However support comes in many forms.

If you look at all the earlier posts, they seem to be from younger women. All understand because they are in that boat. However, no one seemed to say, ''Well, they say those things because 20somethings often do fail in their marriages.'' The vast majority said they disregarded the advice because it came from people who had no right to give it - i.e. people who waited forever to get engaged, people who were still not engaged, people who are unhappy and unsatisified, or people who are obviously a bit cuckoo since previous advice were things like ''you should sleep around in college.'' Nowhere does anyone say, ''hey, MAYBE THEY HAVE A POINT. Are they seeing something you don''t see?'' The judges judge and the judged justify.

On the other hand, I think the fogeys can be irritating and insulting because they can speak in absolutes. ''All 20 somethings can wait.'' or ''Never EVER do this.'' Everyone believes they can beat the odds, or they are something special and not a potential statistic, so of course it seem a bit offputting to advisee.

There is a balance to be achieved on both ends. But as a previous poster said, you can only control your reaction and your behavior...no one else''s. Some people struggle their whole lives with this. The worst suffer victim mentality (a personal pet peeve of mine.)

Anyway, people are always going to call a spade a spade around here...whatever their view of a spade is. You just hope they don''t hit you over the head with a shovel!

Well said, Traveling Gal. I am a "young one" who HAS gotten negative comments from people before about marrying young. I guess I should have contextualized my experience by saying that most of the time it came from people my OWN age. People who couldn''t possibly fathom getting married at their age because of whatever point they are in their life. Which is totally cool for them. Look, one of my bridesmaids is just starting a PhD. She has years of schooling ahead of her and she''s told me she can''t even imagine being married at this point in her life. I get the same (albiet, less polite reactions) from people who I knew in high school who are still in college and/or not at a point in their life where they would want to do what I''m doing. And I also get other people who don''t know me very well who DO insinuate that I am giving up "the best years of my life" because for them, what they are doing now at my age, ARE the best years of their life. And for them? Power to ''em. The last few years of my life have been pretty incredible and definitely the "best years" so far.

On the flip side, I''ve also gotten some really amazing advice from some older friends who married young or who are still single. A good friend of mine is a few years older than me and got married when she was my age (3 years ago?). We''ve had a lot of great conversations about how there was stuff she wasn''t prepared for. Because there WILL be stuff I''m not prepared for and at 22, I may be less capable to deal with it than I might be at 25, but even at 25, there will be stuff not everyone is prepared for. I readily and openly accept (and often times solicit!) good marital advice from people who have been there. I think there is a DEFINITE difference between good, solid advice about the importance of the decision you''re making that come from people who truly want you to succeed and what I term as ass-vice, words that come from people who have no clue about your decision but for whatever reason don''t feel you should be doing it. Ultimately, you have to sift out the people who care and want to give you good advice and the people who just want to bring you down.

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

TGal, I agree with you, as usual. I think that everyone does offer great advice here, and it''s a great place to get out your frustration, no matter what the issue is. I do think that sharing experience is very beneficial, especially in this situation. I see both sides of the story, the "fogies" (not my words!

) and the 20-somethings. We can all benefit from everyones perspective - it just seems like the 20-somethings can be criticized a bit more (not saying that criticism isn''t constructive), and it only seemed to add to the OP''s frustration in this case.

I have seen every one of my friends who got married in their early twenties succeed in their marriages - even my parents were young when they got married - so maybe MY view of marrying earlier is jaded... who knows? I do take all things into consideration, and I think most 20-somethings who are engaged/considering marriage should be able to look at comments like that and think "Maybe they do have a point" but also be mature enough to apply some of the advice given, and acknowledge that getting married that early can turn one into a statistic - but if you''ve got your head on straight (and hopefully NOT dented by that shovel!!!) you''ll think about it and in the end make the best decision for said relationship.

 

[eks6426]

Isolde, I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you.

I am deleting the rest of my post because I don't think this debate needs to go on. The basic fact is that people don't like to be told they shouldn't do something they really want to do. Some of us get upset and defensive. Others say nothing and move on. These situations will occur throughout your and everyone else's lives. Good luck in dealing with this particular one.

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 3:31:10 PM
Author: cara
I was going to write something along the line of indy gal's comments - but apparantly that is not what you wanted to hear? Or you are just looking for insult. Yes this is a forum for vents but also sometimes people reply to your vent with advice. Its the tax for your vent.

You might as well howl at the moon as complain about old people giving young ones unwanted advice - or people in general sticking their head in with unwanted opinions on your personal decisions (Another baby so soon? When is that boy going to make you official? Why did you choose that school/job/person/name?). There is a certain extent to which you show your maturity by letting such comments roll off your back - taking offense only demonstrates your immaturity and susceptibility to pressure.

The other bit of maturity is to acknowledge the accuracy of their comments. That is what IndyGal is saying. It takes the bite out of them: 'Yes, we are young, yes, getting married young has risks, we know we are taking this risk, but it is the right decision for us.'

You don't argue that you as a couple are somehow superior to other young couples - this smacks of high holiness if I have ever heard it. You don't argue that you know - know - that you will be able to change and grow together as you age and that your marriage will be a success. As you don't know this. (No one does - no one can! Not even us old fogies that get married later in life.) But claiming - or even hinting - you know it will all be peachy makes us slightly-older sages want to talk some sense into you somehow - even if this is also just as fruitless as an old wolf howling at the moon.

Hi there, I didn't intend for my initial post to come off as self-righteous. As far as I know, I didn't argue that my fiance and I were superior to other young couples. I mentioned a list of things that some people our age are keen on doing, merely because the people who have been discouraging us feel we're not ready for marriage, since they believe this is a part of our current lifestyle. Which, isn't the case. As far as my cousin goes, the reason I brought her up is because she attributes her young age, as the only factor that contributed to the breakdown of her marriage. She never mentions the major issues (that really had nothing to do with age), and instead blames it all on being married at 24 (approaching 25). Which, is fairly irritating.

As for the other part, I don't recall ever saying that my marriage will be a success? In a subsequent post, I even said that no one can guarantee a successful marriage. I don't think it will be perfect, and I definitely never said that. I metioned that I realise that every union has its hardships, and we certainly won't be immune to that. As for change, in my first post I said: "I'm not going to pretend I've experienced all there is to life yet (because that would be an immature notion), but whatever is in store, I can experience with my future husband at my side. What I don't know about myself yet, I will find out with him beside me. Why is growing as an individual seen as something you can only do by yourself? Two people can grow together."

I am going to find out about myself, by his side. Whether it will be good or bad, I don't know. I just know it's going to be with him. How this will affect us, I don't know, and I don't pretend to know. What I DO know though, is I'm not going to put my life and love on hold, until I find out all there is to know about myself. If that were the case, well, I'd never get married, because people are constantly finding out new things about themselves. Whether they're 20, or 75.

 

[TravelingGal]

Haha gals...everyone has opinions, don''t they? At ANY age. Man, you think this is bad, you should see the judgmental nature of parents to other parents...or non parents who think they can do it better (ahem, I am not talking about myself here...)

There is no magic age where marriage is a great idea for someone. It''s not 25. It''s not 30. I think as long as you are legally, ethically and morally capable of giving it a shot, go for it. I mean, there are a few women on this board who are getting married pretty young (Anchor and Musey, to name a couple). No one is giving them flack, because they seem to have a clear understanding of what they want, and are willing to WORK for it.

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 4:11:13 PM
Author: IslandDreams
Isolde, I''m sorry I didn''t mean to offend you.

I am deleting the rest of my post because I don''t think this debate needs to go on. The basic fact is that people don''t like to be told they shouldn''t do something they really want to do. Some of us get upset and defensive. Others say nothing and move on. These situations will occur throughout your and everyone else''s lives. Good luck in dealing with this particular one.

IslandDreams, please don''t think you offended me, that''s not the case at all

. I really appreciate what you had to say. I guess my main point was just that, I am receptive to advice, as long as it is constructive. I appreciate comments like "make sure you want this, and are ready to deal with any consequences". What I don''t appreciate is, "You''re immature, because you''re young. I was young when I got married, and I got divorced. Young marriages never work; they always end in disaster", or anything else along those lines.

 

[Independent Gal]

No offence taken Isolde! And I really did mean that advice constructively... not as a criticism of you. Like, Julabean's post where she says "I've sought advice from people in all kinds of situations. I understand these other peoples' helpful perspectives. I still want to give this a go!" That sounds awesome. If a young person says things like that I think: "Wow, I bet this gal really will beat the odds!" partly because one of the most important aspects of a marriage and of growing together, whether it's with friends or a partner, is listening, understanding other perspectives, and communicating.

So, it's not just that a post like that shows awareness of challenges, its that it demonstrates tools that contribute to overcoming those challenges.

I really only meant this as a helpful suggestion, not as "ass-vice" (ha!). It really does difuse things to say to people "Oh I hear ya! I really do! And here's how we're dealing with it." I have gotten far with this approach in life, and it keeps FI and I from killing each other on occasion.

Even when we disagree and get really annoyed with each other, as you do with this critics, just knowing that we've been HEARD helps a lot.

Or, just ignore the person, as Deco says, if they are not sufficiently important to you to bother.

On the flip side, I have certainly had my share of indignation in life. But I have been trying (with some success!) to train myself to be like Deco... cool.

Because she's right that ultimately ultimately one can only control ones own reactions in life, and not what other people think or say or do.

These are all tools for happiness.

 

[mimzy]

isolde,

I can sort of relate to what are you are dealing with because while i''m relatively young at 22, i didn''t get AS many comments as it seems you are. but i''ve done a lot of thinking on the subject (because a lot of friends got married younger than i am).

i think when it comes from peers, the others are right, they are just at a TOTALLY different place in their lives and can''t imagine it, and aren''t open-minded enough to imagine that anyone could be that different from them. when it come from our elders (

) i think it is, well, pretty much the same thing.....the majority (probably not all) of the ladies on here that are known for making the "too young" comments are older brides.....which generally means that they weren''t ready to get married until recently. this has NOTHING to do with maturity (and i mean absolutely NO insult to you ladies), but the fact is that they can''t imagine having had a successful marriage if they got married at your age. but that is them and you are you. i think the best you can do is acknowledge the challenges they are so insightfully warning you of (snort snort) and enjoy being young and in love

personally i think the biggest challenge about getting married young is the sacrifice involved....because no matter how much you love your FI and how much you want to be together, the reality is that you do limit your options (i''m not talking about in terms of people you date). it''s a lot harder to pick up and take a year abroad or move across the state to take photography classes or do whatever you fancy at the moment when there is a band on your finger. i''m not saying it''s a bad thing at all....but it is a sacrifice, and one that most people don''t see as worth it. because it is pretty much fact that you are going to grow and change and you are pretty much legally responsible for limiting yourself to growing and changing into someone who is compatible with your DH, and he has the same responsibility to you. it adds a certain amount of pressure on you guys (us guys?) that wouldn''t be there if you stayed unmarried until you were older.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/28/2008 5:11:24 PM
Author: mimzy

i think when it comes from peers, the others are right, they are just at a TOTALLY different place in their lives and can''t imagine it, and aren''t open-minded enough to imagine that anyone could be that different from them. when it come from our elders (

) i think it is, well, pretty much the same thing.....the majority (probably not all) of the ladies on here that are known for making the ''too young'' comments are older brides.....which generally means that they weren''t ready to get married until recently. this has NOTHING to do with maturity (and i mean absolutely NO insult to you ladies), but the fact is that they can''t imagine having had a successful marriage if they got married at your age. but that is them and you are you. i think the best you can do is acknowledge the challenges they are so insightfully warning you of (snort snort) and enjoy being young and in love

I take offense to the above comment.

I didn''t get married late because I wasn''t ready and immature.

I got married late because...well, no one wanted to marry me in my 20''s.

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 1/28/2008 5:22:20 PM
Author: TravelingGal

I take offense to the above comment.


I didn''t get married late because I wasn''t ready and immature.


I got married late because...well, no one wanted to marry me in my 20''s.

LOL, TGal!

I''m just glad I wasn''t drinking anything when I read that.

 

[Fancy605]

You know, I''ve heard, "Oh, you''re too young to be married" from some of my family friends who were married young themselves. And I think that they especially recognize how difficult it can be to be married young. I don''t think they man to discourage it, but they seem to want to make good and sure that today''s younger women are fully aware of the challenges. Also, a lot of women who married young who are now in their 40''s and 50''s know how much people can change as they grow older and gain more life experiences. I think that more than anything, these people want to make sure that you have chosen a partner who is going to grow in the same direction as you. What they don''t realize is that we we "youngin''s" hear the same advice over and over, especially if it sounds the least bit critical, we begin to feel as if no one trusts our decision making skills, and we begin to feel as if people don''t believe in us. But, it helps to remember that most people aren''t tossing out words of caution just for the sake of hearing themselves speak; they aren''t trying to say, "no, you can''t do that;" they aren''t trying to rule your life; they are just trying to help make sure that we don''t short change ourselves. Plus, some people ARE too immature to marry in their early 20''s. In fact, I know a lot of girls who are, and they know it and will be the first to tell you. But, there are lots of girls who are ready for marriage in their 20''s too. It''s all about knowing yourself and your relationship.

What is really interesting to me is that 25 is a plateau for being "old enough". When I was 23, my husband was ring shopping for me, and I heard, "you''re too young to get married." I was 24 when he proposed, and I would be 25 (by just 2 month) when we married. All the sudden, I heard that less often.
So at 16 you can drive
18 you can vote
21 you can drink
and 25 you can get married? lol

And what''s even MORE interesting to me is that as soon as you DO get married, no matter how young you are, people immediately want to know, "So, are you going to start having babies yet?"

 

[Tacori E-ring]

That is life. People judge. They ask personal questions. They expect answers. Like I said in my previous post only YOU and your BF know what is right. Obviously you were looking for people to back you up and make you feel better but people on here are way to honest for that

There is NO right age to get engaged, to get married, to have children, to buy your dream home, to retire, etc....everyone is DIFFERENT. Ask 100 people the same question and there will be lots of different answers. Case in point.

 

[anchor31]

Oh, Isolde... Don''t worry about it. Soon enough you''ll see that people judge everything that has to do with your wedding, and the age issue will be far from your mind.

I''m 22 (getting married in 6 months), was engaged at 21, and I got my fair share of comments. I thought I was going to get them from older adults, but in fact I got them from my peers... But it''s not because they aren''t ready for marriage that I absolutely can''t be. One thing that particularly bugged me, from family members this time, is because I like being girly, they thought I was the kind of girl who''d been dreaming about her wedding for years and wanted to "play princess", as you said. In truth, I never really dreamed of "getting married", but I did dream of "being married", and it makes a huge difference. As a matter of fact, I wanted to elope just the two of us... Still wish we could.

I know you said you enlisted already, but let me tell you that pre-marital counselling is the best thing you will ever do for your marriage! I loved it.

Good luck to you!

 

[somethingshiny]

I was 19 and DH was 21 when we got married, after a year and a half engagement. Not only did we get the "you're too young" speeches, but we also got the "are you pregnant" questions. It really irked me. However, we've been married for eight and a half years, and together for over eleven. Has it always been peachy? No. But, I've never wished I waited to get married, or looked more.

For the most part, I do believe people have your best interests at heart. It is difficult being married young, but I believe it's probably more difficult to get married older. (JMO) I think being married young allows you to see your partner grow and discover things about himself. That is a gift! And, when something new comes about, it's wonderful to have somebody to experience it with.

Also, my parents have been married for over 30 years. They were married at 17 and 19. My grandparents have been married for close to 60 years, and they were married at 19. Yes, times have changed, but, it can be done.

I really don't think age has anything to do with love and marriage. It's completely the people and their commitment level. If you are both honest people and you want to be committed to one another, then there's nobody who's going to stop you. When someone says something about you being too young, just thank them for the thoughts and tell them you are secure enough in your relationship to risk it.

ETA---The older people who know us never said a negative word about our marriage. They knew they saw the qualities in our relationship that they could identify in their own. The people who tried to talk us out of marriage were those in our age group.

 

[HappyAnniversary]

Where''s the embarrassed icon? I just totally did this without thinking it might be obnoxious! I have decided that most of the times people just say what pops into their brains, and, they don''t realize they might be the umpteenth person to say something silly. I do have an acquaintance who married at 16 and she said she had two sets of children to raise -- her husband and then her children. They are in their 70''s now! but she wouldn''t ever recommend getting married at 16!!

Good luck to you and your fiance and this won''t be the first time you get unsolicited advice on marriage--children--finances--hair styles--purchasing decisions--money management--menus--job choices--children''s names--no children--raising children--Got the idea??? LOL

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/28/2008 5:22:20 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/28/2008 5:11:24 PM

Author: mimzy


i think when it comes from peers, the others are right, they are just at a TOTALLY different place in their lives and can''t imagine it, and aren''t open-minded enough to imagine that anyone could be that different from them. when it come from our elders (

) i think it is, well, pretty much the same thing.....the majority (probably not all) of the ladies on here that are known for making the ''too young'' comments are older brides.....which generally means that they weren''t ready to get married until recently. this has NOTHING to do with maturity (and i mean absolutely NO insult to you ladies), but the fact is that they can''t imagine having had a successful marriage if they got married at your age. but that is them and you are you. i think the best you can do is acknowledge the challenges they are so insightfully warning you of (snort snort) and enjoy being young and in love

I take offense to the above comment.


I didn''t get married late because I wasn''t ready and immature.


I got married late because...well, no one wanted to marry me in my 20''s.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TGal!

As for age, someone told my FI just the other day that he was too young to get married. When he told her that he''s 37 she said "Well, you LOOK like you''re too young to get married." Oy, opinions.

 

[FrekeChild]

So many people have given great advice on here, and I would say to listen to all of them. I don''t know where I lie at the ripe old/young (in the middle?) age of 25.

I''ve never partied and I''ve certainly never slept around, and I don''t think that''s really what the critical people are trying to get you to do, I think in their own way they''re telling you that you need to be young, and take advantage of these years-at least a little bit-before they''re gone, because you can''t go back and do a re-do.

I''ve been where you are, although not engaged, but I thought that everyone who didn''t support me and instead questioned my decisions. I was 19 and in a relationship for almost 4 years when I finally realized that I didn''t want to become engaged to or marry this guy and that-GASP!-everyone was right, I was taking the relationship too seriously.

The second relationship was two years old and I was almost 22. I hadn''t been single since 14ish? He mentioned getting engaged, and I ended it. It wasn''t the guy-he was totally respectable, but I wasn''t ready to give up my freedom just yet. I went on to be single for two years, go to school for a year all the way across the country, and find out who I am and where I want to be. That''s something I would not have been able to do if I had gotten married. I never wanted to restrict myself, and I would have regretted it if I had.

Then I went on to do something stupid. I dated someone who was totally wrong for me, someone I never would have looked at, and that is the best thing I could have ever done for myself, because two years ago when BF came around, I knew how amazing he really was.

That''s where I''m at now. I won''t be getting married until 27 or 28 probably, and I wouldn''t have it any other way. If I had met him at 19 when we were living in the same dorms, we probably still wouldn''t be getting married until our late 20s.

Looking back now, I wouldn''t have it any other way. I wouldn''t go back and hunt BF down in the dorms, because all of those stupid boyfriends helped make me who I am today.

I''m not telling you to not get married, but I am telling you to be careful. Marriage is not disposable, and it takes unlimited commitment from both parties.

Your life is over the minute you get married. You will no longer be your own person. You will be part of a unit, and you can no longer be selfish and do things only for yourself. You have a whole other person that you have to worry about, someone who will be needy, who will need to depend on you. Your freedom to go and be young and stupid will be gone.

I''m the first to admit that I''m so glad I had the chance to be young and stupid.

I worked in a divorce office for about a year and probably the most traumatic situation (and there were A LOT!) was when a girl came in to get a divorce (a 2 year marriage) who was a few days younger than I was at the time. I was 22 and thanking my lucky stars that I hadn''t gotten married earlier.

I wish you luck, because you have a lot of forces working against you.

 

[xapora]

I think the point the OP was trying to make is that we know WHY people say the things they do, we know young marriages tend to fail and the odds are against us, we know the "more experienced" people give good advice (and we take it to heart), and we''ve heard a hundred "failed relationship/I should have listened" stories...and when you''re fully aware that marriage is work, you have realistic expectations for it, and your head is on straight, there''s only so many times you can hear the same stuff without getting bummed out. It gets frustrating, especially when you''re confident in your relationship and just want people to be happy for you. When your great-aunt Mary twice removed who you haven''t seen since you were born tells you about her 3 failed marriages before she was 25 and that you should be waiting to get married (for the umpteenth time), it gets old!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I don''t have the time to read every word of this thread, but I think successful marriage has a LOT more to do with maturity and character than AGE!!!

Just for the record, I met my huband at 19 and we got married at 21 and have been married for 31 years! Almost all of our college friends are still married and most of our current friends have been married since a young age as well. Yes, I realize the average age of marriage has risen, but so has the divorce rate!!! I think self-centeredness and lack of commitment have more to do with the rise in the divorce rate than does the age factor.

So Isolde, my advice is to ignore all those people because they have zero right to question your relationship. When you find the one you want to spend your life with, you just know.

 

[kizmet]

I'm sorry if this post is off topic, since I have not read everything in this thread... but I just wanted to say that I think this happens to allot of people. It happened to me! It was quite funny (and disturbing) to hear my mother, with her accent, telling me to sleep around! I decided to focus on the funny and ironic part. For me, what works best around those who judge me is to sit, smile, and to leave as quickly as possible. Look for and mark the exits!!! For some there is no talking to, no reasoning, no explaining of how you have already lived through your worst times with each other. Marriage is to be through sickness and health, richer or poorer. That happens to some quite young! Some just don't understand that even though your young, you have already seen the worst of each other, and still come out allright. Stuff happens, life happens, and sometimes marriage happens! Hopefully, I've explained myself rationally here.

 

[gwendolyn]

Most everything''s been said already, but I just wanted to say that, although it get REALLY old sometimes, if most of these people saying things are your friends/family, then what they''re probably trying to do is protect you from getting hurt. Even though logically they know you need to go out and make your own choices as an adult, they may sometimes want to step in if they feel they know best (for whatever reason) to try to spare you some future pain. So, I would guess their concern is out of a desire to protect you more than anything else.

Which doesn''t make them right or those comments fun to hear! But maybe realizing that the motivation might be their love for you, rather than malice, might make it easier to deal with? Dunno, maybe.

And if they are mostly strangers (like us on PS?!), who gives a toss what they think?

 

[Isolde]

Date: 1/28/2008 10:59:14 PM
Author: xapora
I think the point the OP was trying to make is that we know WHY people say the things they do, we know young marriages tend to fail and the odds are against us, we know the ''more experienced'' people give good advice (and we take it to heart), and we''ve heard a hundred ''failed relationship/I should have listened'' stories...and when you''re fully aware that marriage is work, you have realistic expectations for it, and your head is on straight, there''s only so many times you can hear the same stuff without getting bummed out. It gets frustrating, especially when you''re confident in your relationship and just want people to be happy for you. When your great-aunt Mary twice removed who you haven''t seen since you were born tells you about her 3 failed marriages before she was 25 and that you should be waiting to get married (for the umpteenth time), it gets old!

That was exactly what I was trying to convey in my posts!

 

[Gypsy]

I just want to add one thing to the 'older brides' advice. This isn't aimed at the OP but too all the younger brides.

For me, if the comments are coming from close friends and family who love you and know you best (instead of from nosey strangers and jealous aquaintances)... then please, take some time to listen re-evaluate and try to see what it is they are seeing, that you are not. Otherwise, I agree with DS statements regarding maturity and character.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 1/29/2008 11:06:11 AM
Author: Gypsy
I just want to add one thing to the ''older brides'' advice. This isn''t aimed at the OP but too all the younger brides.

For me, if the comments are coming from close friends and family who love you and know you best (instead of from nosey strangers and jealous aquaintances)... then please, take some time to listen re-evaluate and try to see what it is they are seeing, that you are not. Otherwise, I agree with DS statements regarding maturity and character.

I see your point, Gypsy. I do understand that sometimes those comments are well intentioned.

I think marrying older or younger is of course a question of opportunity (if you have someone in your life you want to marry at that point) and also a question of values. It''s pretty funny how most of my classmates (of any age) ask me why I don''t want to travel/buy a house/party/go to grad school/whatever first, and then my Christian friends go "You''ve been waiting for 5 YEARS?!"... I guess it''s a question of balance for us. We are waiting in some aspects and there are things from the first comments that we feel is not right for us, but we wanted to take our time nevertheless. Although with the two years engagement we''ve been having, I am getting quite antsy. We''re at the final stretch now, and I just wish we were married already! But that might also have to do with being sick of the planning and the drama...

 

[iheartscience]

Ahhh...I love a good-natured PS debate! I''m chuckling to myself a bit because I have a feeling that in 10 years, some of the young brides here will be the ones giving sage advice about marriage. "Yes, I got married young, and it''s worked out, but it was so much more work than I expected! Make sure to get premarital counseling/books on marriage/etc.!"

I guess I fall somewhere in the middle of the age spectrum for marriage...I''m 26 and I''ve been with my fiance for almost 5 years. We got engaged last March and will probably get married next spring. (I went back to school so the wedding got postponed until I''m done.) Honestly, I still feel like I''m a bit young for all this old people stuff like marriage, but I want to be with my fiance so I guess that''s what''s on the agenda!

I 100% agree with Deco about letting people''s comments roll off your back, and Indy makes a great point with her post about replying with "I hear ya! Here''s what I''m doing to prevent being divorced by age 24!" That''s all you can do and I have a feeling it will shut any reasonable person right up. Getting offended and defensive is just pointless, really. In my old age I''ve discovered that it just takes too much energy to have so much self-righteous indignation, and you rarely change anyone''s mind!

 

[tberube]

Hey Isolde - I am sorry you are going through such frustration right now.

The only advice I can give you is to let it slide. If you truly are confident in the strength of your relationship (as I am sure you are), then what other people say about it should not matter to you one bit. Unfortunately, there are many, many people who jump into marriage too young and for all the wrong reasons. I have too many friends that are good examples of this. In addition, I have friends who got married young and are blissfully happy. I also, sadly, have friends my age who are jumping into marriage for all the wrong reasons.

Bottom line: Stupidity is alive at all ages! But so is the opposite. All you have to do is be confident that you fall into the latter, and let everyone else''s rude, jealous and judgemental comments slide off your back.