Am I the crazy one, here?

[anchor31]

Feel free to tell me that I am. Honestly. I''m seriously starting to question my sanity, or if maybe my DH was adopted...

SIL (DH''s sister) sent e-mails with her wedding website address and I checked it out. I''m pretty shocked and slightly offended by what I saw, and I wanted to run it by you savvy brides to know if maybe it''s just my pregnancy hormones making me overreact.

SIL and her FI are students and aren''t into pump and circumstance, so I figured they''d have a small, intimate wedding and keep it at that. But it turns out they are going all out with sit-down dinner, open bar and all the trimmings for the entire family (and we''re talking huge 12-ish aunts/uncles families plus cousins here)... and are asking for an entry fee. A check must be sent back with the RSVP. They asked DH (who is not a professional photographer, but he does have a great camera and takes pretty amazing landscape shots) to do the pictures for them for free, and generous as he is, he said yes and is even going to rent a special lense, flash and stuff for the day. It turns out pretty much all of their vendors (except the venue) are family members. I find this kind of odd... Don''t you want your family to enjoy your wedding day instead of work? And I wonder, all those people working for them for free, do they have to pay to be there too? The website also mentions gifts. Wait... We have to pay our way in, work for them for free and give them gifts?

I get that they are students and want to save money, I was a student too when I got married. But charging an entry fee and asking for gifts? Asking your family to work for free instead of celebrate? What happened to having the wedding you can afford? Is etiquette dead? Is it crazy to expect people to still follow etiquette? Sometimes I feel like it is... If it wasn''t my SIL, I would not go.

 

[meresal]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is most definitely NOT pregnancy hormones.

 

[CNOS128]

Absurd.

 

[Ara Ann]

Geesh! I''d rather throw a back yard pot luck wedding than CHARGE people to show up at my reception and ask for free services from relatives! Ultimate display of tackiness.

 

[dani2142]

TACKY!

 

[sunnyd]

What?! Oh no no no!!! Are they serious?!?!?!?! That is ridiculous. Just awful.

 

[FrekeChild]

 

[Haven]

Wha . . . !

Well . . . !

. . . there are just no words.

 

[lucyandroger]

Could they be joking??? I can''t imagine anyone requesting an entry fee with a straight face?!!!

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:09:04 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Could they be joking??? I can''t imagine anyone requesting an entry fee with a straight face?!!!

Bouncers?

 

[janinegirly]

wow, that''s one of the tackiest ways to throw a wedding that I''ve heard! Talk about sense of entitlement (we want a full on wedding so you all help out to make it happen!!).

I have noticed that just because someone seems really laid back and practical and not into wedding hoopla--doesn''t mean they won''t transform into high maintenance bridezillas once the ring''s on the finger! Wow that sounded catty, but it''s true in my recent experiences!

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:11:28 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/3/2009 4:09:04 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Could they be joking??? I can''t imagine anyone requesting an entry fee with a straight face?!!!

Bouncers?

Oh, yes...but they''d have to be relatives. Can''t afford to pay staff!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:09:04 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Could they be joking??? I can''t imagine anyone requesting an entry fee with a straight face?!!!

Apparently, they are not joking.

Well, it''s nice to know I''m not the crazy one... The more I think about it, the less I want to go... I''ll have to buy a new dress and leave my 5-months-old baby with my parents to attend a wedding I''ll have to pay to go to and spent most of the day alone since DH will be working...

But of course I''ll go, because I''m way too nice and things are touchy enough with the ILs as it is. *sigh*

 

[idreamofcushions]

WHAT?!

I just can't believe that they're being serious. I mean, really???

I'm surprised anyone IS attending. Rude, tacky, selfish...ah! I need a thesaurus!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:14:43 PM
Author: lucyandroger

Date: 12/3/2009 4:11:28 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 12/3/2009 4:09:04 PM
Author: lucyandroger
Could they be joking??? I can''t imagine anyone requesting an entry fee with a straight face?!!!

Bouncers?

Oh, yes...but they''d have to be relatives. Can''t afford to pay staff!

LOL (sorry, it''s mean, it''s just... I mean... really).

 

[Ara Ann]

With the economy as bad as it''s been, I am not totally shocked...evidently some couples still want their dream wedding, even if they can''t afford to pay for it and will try to be creative in trying to get it!

And honestly, it may not be AS offensive, IF they didn''t also ask for GIFTS on top of the cover charge! Or even if they had a cash bar instead of an open bar...or an appetizer or dessert bar reception instead of a full meal. There are creative ways to have a nice reception without going into lots of debt and without being totally rude and tacky!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:14:18 PM
Author: janinegirly
wow, that''s one of the tackiest ways to throw a wedding that I''ve heard! Talk about sense of entitlement (we want a full on wedding so you all help out to make it happen!!).

I have noticed that just because someone seems really laid back and practical and not into wedding hoopla--doesn''t mean they won''t transform into high maintenance bridezillas once the ring''s on the finger! Wow that sounded catty, but it''s true in my recent experiences!

Catty or not, you are apparently right.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:20:11 PM
Author: Ara Ann
With the economy as bad as it''s been, I am not totally shocked...evidently some couples still want their dream wedding, even if they can''t afford to pay for it and will try to be creative in trying to get it!

And honestly, it may not be AS offensive, IF they didn''t also ask for GIFTS on top of the cover charge! Or even if they had a cash bar instead of an open bar...or an appetizer or dessert bar reception instead of a full meal. There are creative ways to have a nice reception without going into lots of debt and without being totally rude and tacky!

Thing is, they have not been affected by the state of the economy, so that would be a lousy excuse. As I said, I get that they are students (still, college education is crazy cheap here), but like you say, there are alternatives... I would have understood a cash bar, a cocktail reception, something like that. This is just... well.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:24:18 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 12/3/2009 4:20:11 PM

Author: Ara Ann

With the economy as bad as it''s been, I am not totally shocked...evidently some couples still want their dream wedding, even if they can''t afford to pay for it and will try to be creative in trying to get it!


And honestly, it may not be AS offensive, IF they didn''t also ask for GIFTS on top of the cover charge! Or even if they had a cash bar instead of an open bar...or an appetizer or dessert bar reception instead of a full meal. There are creative ways to have a nice reception without going into lots of debt and without being totally rude and tacky!

Thing is, they have not been affected by the state of the economy, so that would be a lousy excuse. As I said, I get that they are students (still, college education is crazy cheap here), but like you say, there are alternatives... I would have understood a cash bar, a cocktail reception, something like that. This is just... well.

Yep, I realize your SIL is a student, but I meant that other couples may also try something like this, due to the economy....does anyone feel a possible trend starting with this kind of thing? Heck, my son and his GF could get married soon too if we tried this approach!

(just kidding!)...

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:28:38 PM
Author: Ara Ann

Date: 12/3/2009 4:24:18 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 12/3/2009 4:20:11 PM

Author: Ara Ann

With the economy as bad as it''s been, I am not totally shocked...evidently some couples still want their dream wedding, even if they can''t afford to pay for it and will try to be creative in trying to get it!


And honestly, it may not be AS offensive, IF they didn''t also ask for GIFTS on top of the cover charge! Or even if they had a cash bar instead of an open bar...or an appetizer or dessert bar reception instead of a full meal. There are creative ways to have a nice reception without going into lots of debt and without being totally rude and tacky!

Thing is, they have not been affected by the state of the economy, so that would be a lousy excuse. As I said, I get that they are students (still, college education is crazy cheap here), but like you say, there are alternatives... I would have understood a cash bar, a cocktail reception, something like that. This is just... well.

Yep, I realize your SIL is a student, but I meant that other couples may also try something like this, due to the economy....does anyone feel a possible trend starting with this kind of thing? Heck, my son and his GF could get married soon too if we tried this approach!

(just kidding!)...

If that trend starts, I assume 15 person attendance will become popular as well. The only weddings I will pay to attend are ones that come with a vacation/get-away... and even then, I''m only paying for my own attendance, it is not going towards the couple.

 

[choro72]

Our wedding in Japan was exactly like this, and it was the best day of our lives. Short version, our friends and family loved to help out and it was fun. Long version, please read below.

I had my mom plan the entire thing because she wanted to, and well, it was just easier for me since I live in CA. My parents are gifted with many friends and my family loves a big party.
-We didn''t have a photographer, but half of my family members have fancy cameras so they all took thousands of pictures for us. We didn''t even have to ask them. They were so excited for us that there was no way they were going to sit through the whole thing without pictures.
-My mom''s friends all bought the food and cooked. We had the biggest crabs and oysters you''ll see. We had a rack of succulent lamb that was slaughtered just that morning. I''ll leave the detail of food because it''s making me hungry.
-Another of my mom''s friend, who is a baker, spent an entire week baking 20 different desserts for us. Cakes, jellies, bread, cookies, sweet waffles, you name it.
-Another friend of hers, who is a lounge singer, brought her band and equipment and sang throughout the reception.
-My aunt, who taught me how to play piano, played for the ceremony.
-Another aunt delivered the flowers, drove three days to get to my parents'' place, and did all the flowers for us. She spent the entire night and morning making decorations and bouquets.
-My dad''s friends rented tents and chairs for us. They were at my parents'' house at 6 in the morning and set the entire thing for us. When it rained in the morning, they wiped the whole thing and made sure it was good to go. Even the principal from my dad''s school was wiping the chairs!
-My mom''s friends chipped in for a wedding cake. They also bought enormous decorative flowers for us. I hate to think how much it cost them.
-My sister and cousins slaved the entire morning setting up the arch and decorating it.
-My cousin officiated for us.
-3 days later when the weather cleared up, we put on our clothes again and my sister and cousin did a 3, 4 hour photo shoot at a nearby park for us. My aunt made my bouquet again, and decorated my hair with flowers.

I can go on and on about how these people helped us. We couldn''t thank them enough, and we were embarrassed that we only had a thank you card and a little party favor to give them (Turned out that they were more excited about the card then any gifts we could have given them, because they''ve never received an oversea mail before, but that''s another story). My parents gave them a little cash as a gesture, but it wasn''t anywhere near what we think it cost them.

Did I mention that they all gave us cash gifts? We were so overwhelmed with gratitude, but honestly, they had a really good time themselves. They were the most eager people on that day, running around setting things up and cooking. When it rained in the afternoon, they didn''t complain or anything. They just moved everything underneath the tents, and kept on cooking, drinking, and partying.
We took the beautiful flower arrangements and handed to them as a parting gift. My parents'' neighbor, who grows lilies, saw the party, and gave us about fifty gorgeous lilies as a gift. We gave them to the helpers as well.

Also, let me ask where your FSIL is from? I ask because where my parents live, admittance fee is common. It keeps the wedding costs low, the guests pay for their own cost, and no gifts required.

So, as far as your FSIL go, I think your husband is only assumed to take pictures, and the gifts are for other guests who aren''t helping out. However, gifts+admittance fee is a bit much I think. Maybe they just put it there in case people want to give them gifts anyway.

 

[MonkeyPants]

wow anchor. That''s amazing.

SERIOUSLY?!

I kinda wanna see their site...

 

[ts44]

WOW. W.O.W.

I thought that bachelorette thread was bad but this takes the cake. We all "pay" to go to weddings. We pay in travel, gas, new clothes, gifts, cards, babysitters. To ask for money on top of what your guests are giving to show up, that is the ultimate in tacky.

And just because it''s your sister in law doesn''t mean you "have" to do anything. Inappropriateness transcends family obligations. I would say thank you for the invite but we have other plans, and then send a nice card offering congratulations but nothing else.

 

[FrekeChild]

But Choro, you didn''t ask for an admittance fee right?

Reading about all of the wonderful things your parent''s friends did for you made me all teary. What wonderful people your family is surrounded with.

 

[Tuckins1]

Charging a fee= Tuckins no go.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I can understand politely asking family members and friends to help with their talents, I know many people who had a relative be the photographer since they couldn''t afford one otherwise. In all those cases they didn''t EXPECT their family to do it though, it wasn''t like they were being pressed into service, lol.

However, this entry fee + gift thing is just absurd to me.

The logistics also baffle me. Most RSVP deadlines are about 3 weeks before the wedding, so they won''t know how many checks they would receive until then? Are they making you guys RSVP like a year in advance so that they know what the budget it for the wedding?

And if it''s not too personal, can I ask how much the fee it?

Also, if I were you, I''d rsvp without the check, and see if she has the nerve to make you pay it even though your husband is already being so generous with his time.

 

[meresal]

Choro- Personally speaking, my shock did not come from the amount of people doing things for free. I know many people that have their relatives help out. It is the COVER CHARGE that she is expecting each guest to pay. There is a difference in people offering to help do things for free, but to ask for a cover from your guests is beyond my realm of thought.

I didn't know that it was cultural in some areas to pay to attend weddings. THAT has not made it to the US yet.

Anchor- Are your IL's actually on board with this idea? Have you spoken with them or is his sister planning this whole thing herself? The reason I ask, is becuase my parents would be livid if I sent their friends an invitation to our wedding with a donation envelope enclosed.

 

[Rachel9]

No Way.......OMG behond tacky.

 

[choro72]

Freke, no admission fee for us! how could we!? That's the part that baffles me a little about this SIL.

But had we chosen to be married at a venue instead of my parents' backyard, most likely it would have been an admission fee thing because that's how they do things over there. No gifts though.

meresal, it's not a cultural thing either, but a regional thing. People are just more practical there, and it makes them feel more at ease at the wedding because heck, they paid for it. No way people in Tokyo would do it.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 12/3/2009 4:38:28 PM
Author: choro72
Our wedding in Japan was exactly like this, and it was the best day of our lives. Short version, our friends and family loved to help out and it was fun. Long version, please read below.

I had my mom plan the entire thing because she wanted to, and well, it was just easier for me since I live in CA. My parents are gifted with many friends and my family loves a big party.
-We didn''t have a photographer, but half of my family members have fancy cameras so they all took thousands of pictures for us. We didn''t even have to ask them. They were so excited for us that there was no way they were going to sit through the whole thing without pictures.
-My mom''s friends all bought the food and cooked. We had the biggest crabs and oysters you''ll see. We had a rack of succulent lamb that was slaughtered just that morning. I''ll leave the detail of food because it''s making me hungry.
-Another of my mom''s friend, who is a baker, spent an entire week baking 20 different desserts for us. Cakes, jellies, bread, cookies, sweet waffles, you name it.
-Another friend of hers, who is a lounge singer, brought her band and equipment and sang throughout the reception.
-My aunt, who taught me how to play piano, played for the ceremony.
-Another aunt delivered the flowers, drove three days to get to my parents'' place, and did all the flowers for us. She spent the entire night and morning making decorations and bouquets.
-My dad''s friends rented tents and chairs for us. They were at my parents'' house at 6 in the morning and set the entire thing for us. When it rained in the morning, they wiped the whole thing and made sure it was good to go. Even the principal from my dad''s school was wiping the chairs!
-My mom''s friends chipped in for a wedding cake. They also bought enormous decorative flowers for us. I hate to think how much it cost them.
-My sister and cousins slaved the entire morning setting up the arch and decorating it.
-My cousin officiated for us.
-3 days later when the weather cleared up, we put on our clothes again and my sister and cousin did a 3, 4 hour photo shoot at a nearby park for us. My aunt made my bouquet again, and decorated my hair with flowers.

I can go on and on about how these people helped us. We couldn''t thank them enough, and we were embarrassed that we only had a thank you card and a little party favor to give them (Turned out that they were more excited about the card then any gifts we could have given them, because they''ve never received an oversea mail before, but that''s another story). My parents gave them a little cash as a gesture, but it wasn''t anywhere near what we think it cost them.

Did I mention that they all gave us cash gifts? We were so overwhelmed with gratitude, but honestly, they had a really good time themselves. They were the most eager people on that day, running around setting things up and cooking. When it rained in the afternoon, they didn''t complain or anything. They just moved everything underneath the tents, and kept on cooking, drinking, and partying.
We took the beautiful flower arrangements and handed to them as a parting gift. My parents'' neighbor, who grows lilies, saw the party, and gave us about fifty gorgeous lilies as a gift. We gave them to the helpers as well.

Also, let me ask where your FSIL is from? I ask because where my parents live, admittance fee is common. It keeps the wedding costs low, the guests pay for their own cost, and no gifts required.

So, as far as your FSIL go, I think your husband is only assumed to take pictures, and the gifts are for other guests who aren''t helping out. However, gifts+admittance fee is a bit much I think. Maybe they just put it there in case people want to give them gifts anyway.

Chrono, I''m not sure we''re comparing apples to apples here. Did you specifically ask all those people to do this for free, charge them a fixed and mandatory fee to attend and request gifts?

SIL, like DH comes from the same place I do... We didn''t charge for our wedding. DH is not "only assumed" to take pictures. The website lists him as the official photographer.