...and GUEST?! Being an LIW is rough

[JSM]

ALL of the weddings I have attended with my fiance were for "Fiance and guest." The sad part is, we ARE engaged AND living together. Everyone knows I am in school and we are trying to save for a wedding. I attend all the parties/weddings I can (even though it is a good four hour drive just for us to attend), and I''m still an afterthought. It sucks and I commiserate with you all!

I have a feeling I always will be an afterthought in his family and friends'' eyes - it''s sad but just the way it is. Luckily he loves me and puts me first, always. That, and we won''t ever live near his family!

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/2/2008 4:20:12 PM
Author: ash313

Date: 7/2/2008 4:00:06 PM
Author: IndyGirl22

To be fair, you did say you were here ''venting'' so that''s probably why she, upon reading your OP, thought you were upset about something. I think you answered your own concerns in the above post...perhaps you are more frustrated at still being an ''and guest'' instead of a FI/DW & because the invitation reminded you of it you felt a bit heated at the invitor. Honestly, I don''t understand why people even care how they are referred to in other people''s invitations unless it is clearly disrespectful. It''s not that big of a deal. What if you were unable to go and your SO wanted to bring a friend/non-invited family/friend? Not inviting you at ALL when they know you''ve been with your SO for 9+ years would be rude but simply referring to you as his guest probably wouldn''t have evoked such ''venting'' if you were not a LIW. Also, because it is your SO''s cousin who is in no way related to you (yet), I would cut him/her some slack...sounds like they have enough to stress over with a formal wedding in the works without worrying about who they will unintentionally offend with their wedding invitations who will be seen by no one but the invitee.

You''re absolutely right, thank you for clearing up that I was, in fact, venting. Of course I am not mad at his family, and even said that in my OP, that I don''t blame them at all.

It was simply a reminder that I am not, in fact, a part of his family, and am so excited and anxious for when I will be. A simple case of cognitive dissonance (recognizing that I am not yet where I will be). That''s all!

Being a LIW is a precarious time in one''s life, and reactions to situations like this are not always completely proper, ethical, morally correct, etc. But that''s the whole point of this forum, that we share our lived experiences AS WE LIVE THEM, and not as they ''should'' be. So I posted to say: ''hey all, here''s what I experienced, here was my reaction, do others ever feel the same way?'' NOT to say: ''Here''s what happened, please tell me how I ''should'' react or what I ''should'' feel.''

So, while you may not ''understand why people even care'' or it may not be ''that big of a deal'' to you, at that exact moment, it was to me, and I cared.

Also, sorry if I get a bit defensive. I am still new to the forum world, so my description of why I posted was mine, and may not be the definition of this community. Still learning...

Thanks for responding! I appreciate the opportunity to share our experiences together

No need to apologize for anything at all! I truly didn''t mean to be catty or snarky in my response, I just figured you weren''t really MAD about the "and guest" and tried to help you get over it by suggesting that it was probably just an oversight by a busy bride/groom. I understand that you didn''t write your OP seeking this type of opinion from me, but I just wanted to post my initial reaction to your OP and posts from other users. As you will realize, PSers will usually give you their evaluation on a topic, whether you ask for it or not! I did not intend to make my post rude or unsympathetic in any way and can absolutely understand why you reacted the way you did to the invitation, I just was trying to give you my personal take on the situation. Because people only get married once (ideally) or a few times, I think most of them do not know the "proper etiquette" for such things. It must have been difficult to see your LIW status there in print on the invitation, but you know what your relationship is and how everything will happen when the time is perfect.

 

[Booper717]

Let me start by saying I''m sorry this botherd you Ash, I can def. understand how it would be a lil annoying reminder, those little annoying reminders seem to pop up more and more as time goes on! lol.

Also, I apologize this story is a little off topic, but as I skimed this thread I noticed some ladies shareing stories of less then perfect situations they''ve experianced with their SO''s family... and I think I have a good one!

So this is my EX boyfriend... we where together over three years & the whole family knew me.

We went to his family reunion, now he had a huge family and there was over 100 ppl at this event. It was at a park with a softball field. Every reunion all the family goes and sits on the big set of bleechers to get their group photos taken to be used as a post card reminder for the next years reunion. So when the announcment was made to get up on the bleechers I didn''t know what I should do and my ex bf''s mom said "go up there!" so I went up there with my bf and his brothers, way up at the top. WELL, the aunt taking the pic stoped in the middle of all of us sitting there and in front of everyone called me off the bleechers so I wouldn''t be in the pic

It was humiliating

The support from his family continued like the above example... but that was by far the most public and embarresing time. No wonder that relationship fialed!

So anyways, you''re very lucky this was just a simple etiquette mishap! I still understand where you''re coming from tho.

 

[allycat0303]

I don''t think that is necesarily LIW related. I think it is just RUDE. For my wedding, I am getting all the names of SO and putting it on the card. Even if they have been dating for 3 months. Nevermind 9 years. I think it screams ''''lack of effort'''' to not write down the name of SO. I feel for you!

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/3/2008 8:21:44 AM
Author: allycat0303
I don''t think that is necesarily LIW related. I think it is just RUDE. For my wedding, I am getting all the names of SO and putting it on the card. Even if they have been dating for 3 months. Nevermind 9 years. I think it screams ''''lack of effort'''' to not write down the name of SO. I feel for you!

I think that''s so sweet of you, and something a gracious bride would do!

Indygirl, thanks for your response, and for clearing up your intent. No worries

 

[Anna0499]

No problem! I personally know it''s really easy to get in defense mode on these boards, especially because one post is just a snapshot of your life and everyone weighs in at once but most PSers mean no harm. I read in your other thread that your SO is in law school like me - do you feel like a law school widow at times? I know my SO does (well, widower) haha

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/3/2008 10:02:52 AM
Author: IndyGirl22
No problem! I personally know it''s really easy to get in defense mode on these boards, especially because one post is just a snapshot of your life and everyone weighs in at once but most PSers mean no harm. I read in your other thread that your SO is in law school like me - do you feel like a law school widow at times? I know my SO does (well, widower) haha

Glad we''re all good

YES, I feel like a law school widow big-time! Especially 1L year - he starts 2L in September, and is not taking classes this summer, just clerking at a firm, which has actually been nice.

Of course, I''m in grad school, too, so it''s nice that we both have work to do most of the time.

But yes, pretty much every party, family event, get-together, etc. (except one important wedding) I was flying solo and answering the "Where''s SO?" question over and over again (me: "he''s studying" them: "all WEEKEND?" me: "Yes, all the time, he never stops", and they think I''m exaggerating) to people who have no idea what that first year of law school is like. It was rough, but I''m told if you can make it through law school together, you can make it through anything! I''m hoping so...

Where are you at in your law school career?

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/3/2008 10:33:55 AM
Author: ash313

Glad we''re all good

YES, I feel like a law school widow big-time! Especially 1L year - he starts 2L in September, and is not taking classes this summer, just clerking at a firm, which has actually been nice.

Of course, I''m in grad school, too, so it''s nice that we both have work to do most of the time.

But yes, pretty much every party, family event, get-together, etc. (except one important wedding) I was flying solo and answering the ''Where''s SO?'' question over and over again (me: ''he''s studying'' them: ''all WEEKEND?'' me: ''Yes, all the time, he never stops'', and they think I''m exaggerating) to people who have no idea what that first year of law school is like. It was rough, but I''m told if you can make it through law school together, you can make it through anything! I''m hoping so...

Where are you at in your law school career?

Ahhh! I wish I could say I can''t relate but I 100% can.

Your SO & I are in the same class (going into our 2L year), but I am also getting an MHA so I won''t be fully graduated until 2011! It''s a pain but hopefully it gets me a good job later on. I hear horror stories about graduates making $50k/year & it''s definitely motivation to do well. I have been clerking this summer at a firm as well...your SO & I are law school twins it seems haha I am MIA at all my SO''s games, events, etc. probably 3/4 of the time because you can never study too much in law school. I am relieved to be finally done with my 1L year though! I''m in Indianapolis, where is your SO attending?

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/3/2008 11:40:40 AM
Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 7/3/2008 10:33:55 AM

Author: ash313


Glad we''re all good

YES, I feel like a law school widow big-time! Especially 1L year - he starts 2L in September, and is not taking classes this summer, just clerking at a firm, which has actually been nice.


Of course, I''m in grad school, too, so it''s nice that we both have work to do most of the time.


But yes, pretty much every party, family event, get-together, etc. (except one important wedding) I was flying solo and answering the ''Where''s SO?'' question over and over again (me: ''he''s studying'' them: ''all WEEKEND?'' me: ''Yes, all the time, he never stops'', and they think I''m exaggerating) to people who have no idea what that first year of law school is like. It was rough, but I''m told if you can make it through law school together, you can make it through anything! I''m hoping so...


Where are you at in your law school career?

Ahhh! I wish I could say I can''t relate but I 100% can.

Your SO & I are in the same class (going into our 2L year), but I am also getting an MHA so I won''t be fully graduated until 2011! It''s a pain but hopefully it gets me a good job later on. I hear horror stories about graduates making $50k/year & it''s definitely motivation to do well. I have been clerking this summer at a firm as well...your SO & I are law school twins it seems haha I am MIA at all my SO''s games, events, etc. probably 3/4 of the time because you can never study too much in law school. I am relieved to be finally done with my 1L year though! I''m in Indianapolis, where is your SO attending?

Date: 7/3/2008 11:40:40 AM
Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 7/3/2008 10:33:55 AM

Author: ash313


Glad we''re all good

YES, I feel like a law school widow big-time! Especially 1L year - he starts 2L in September, and is not taking classes this summer, just clerking at a firm, which has actually been nice.


Of course, I''m in grad school, too, so it''s nice that we both have work to do most of the time.


But yes, pretty much every party, family event, get-together, etc. (except one important wedding) I was flying solo and answering the ''Where''s SO?'' question over and over again (me: ''he''s studying'' them: ''all WEEKEND?'' me: ''Yes, all the time, he never stops'', and they think I''m exaggerating) to people who have no idea what that first year of law school is like. It was rough, but I''m told if you can make it through law school together, you can make it through anything! I''m hoping so...


Where are you at in your law school career?

Ahhh! I wish I could say I can''t relate but I 100% can.

Your SO & I are in the same class (going into our 2L year), but I am also getting an MHA so I won''t be fully graduated until 2011! It''s a pain but hopefully it gets me a good job later on. I hear horror stories about graduates making $50k/year & it''s definitely motivation to do well. I have been clerking this summer at a firm as well...your SO & I are law school twins it seems haha I am MIA at all my SO''s games, events, etc. probably 3/4 of the time because you can never study too much in law school. I am relieved to be finally done with my 1L year though! I''m in Indianapolis, where is your SO attending?

MHA, that''s interesting! I''m doing MPH/MSW at U of Michigan

He goes to U of Detroit Mercy, downtown Detroit. Yeah, I think a lot of people think being a lawyer automatically means big bucks, and while that''s possible, the truth is, most don''t make much, especially at first! Which of course leads to tons of competition, etc. You know the drill!

So, he''s doing his best to be well-rounded (SBA pres. of his class both years, looking to be SBA pres. 3L year, volunteering, getting firm experiencing, several clinics, blah, blah, blah) in addition to, of course, passing his courses! They just got 1L grades back last Friday - can you believe how late that is?

Maybe we should start a thread for those considering engagement/marriage while in law/med school! It seems like many do that, and it''s hard to know what might work. We are thinking a wedding during christmas break 3L year (maybe new year''s eve?) then we''ll do most of the planning summer between 2L and 3L (except securing the basics, which we''ll do right away, as most decisions can be postponed), and I hear 3L year is pretty cake.

What about you guys?

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 8:21:44 AM
Author: allycat0303
I don''t think that is necesarily LIW related. I think it is just RUDE. For my wedding, I am getting all the names of SO and putting it on the card. Even if they have been dating for 3 months. Nevermind 9 years. I think it screams ''''lack of effort'''' to not write down the name of SO. I feel for you!

While I think that that''s really good of you, it is technically ''above and beyond.'' I''m not an expert, but I believe that only marrieds are technically supposed to be listed with both names.

Not that I don''t understand why it might upset someone, but there is another side to the story, you know?

I know that I sent a save-the-date addressed to both halves of a couple earlier this year, only to find out that they''d broken up a few weeks before. They''d been together for 6 years so I hardly expected something like that to happen. We have easygoing friends, but if they hadn''t been, I could definitely see THAT upsetting them... probably even more so than if we''d listed "and guest."

Just trying to say that it''s not automatically "lazy" or a slight to not list both names, sometimes it''s just the "safe" option.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/3/2008 11:54:49 AM
Author: ash313

MHA, that''s interesting! I''m doing MPH/MSW at U of Michigan

He goes to U of Detroit Mercy, downtown Detroit. Yeah, I think a lot of people think being a lawyer automatically means big bucks, and while that''s possible, the truth is, most don''t make much, especially at first! Which of course leads to tons of competition, etc. You know the drill!

So, he''s doing his best to be well-rounded (SBA pres. of his class both years, looking to be SBA pres. 3L year, volunteering, getting firm experiencing, several clinics, blah, blah, blah) in addition to, of course, passing his courses! They just got 1L grades back last Friday - can you believe how late that is?

Maybe we should start a thread for those considering engagement/marriage while in law/med school! It seems like many do that, and it''s hard to know what might work. We are thinking a wedding during christmas break 3L year (maybe new year''s eve?) then we''ll do most of the planning summer between 2L and 3L (except securing the basics, which we''ll do right away, as most decisions can be postponed), and I hear 3L year is pretty cake.

What about you guys?

My SO would get engaged yesterday if I gave him the go-ahead but I really don''t want to do any planning until I only have one year of law school left and I don''t want a two year engagement really either. Maybe between my 2L & 3L years we will get engaged & my 3L & "4L" years we will get married. I have heard the same thing about the last year of law school so I''m sure you''ll be fine with any wedding in the works. Competition in law school is the absolute worst! Even if you aren''t the competitive type, the professors and career counselors make you feel like you have to be in order to be anything great after graduation. The truth is, most graduates will be making less than $100k/year the first few years.

There is definitely some disenfranchisement in the legal field going on right now.

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:13:37 PM
Author: musey

Date: 7/3/2008 8:21:44 AM

Author: allycat0303

I don''t think that is necesarily LIW related. I think it is just RUDE. For my wedding, I am getting all the names of SO and putting it on the card. Even if they have been dating for 3 months. Nevermind 9 years. I think it screams ''''lack of effort'''' to not write down the name of SO. I feel for you!

While I think that that''s really good of you, it is technically ''above and beyond.'' I''m not an expert, but I believe that only marrieds are technically supposed to be listed with both names.


Not that I don''t understand why it might upset someone, but there is another side to the story, you know?


I know that I sent a save-the-date addressed to both halves of a couple earlier this year, only to find out that they''d broken up a few weeks before. They''d been together for 6 years so I hardly expected something like that to happen. We have easygoing friends, but if they hadn''t been, I could definitely see THAT upsetting them... probably even more so than if we''d listed ''and guest.''


Just trying to say that it''s not automatically ''lazy'' or a slight to not list both names, sometimes it''s just the ''safe'' option.

I did a little search to try and figure out what the "proper" etiquette is. Turns out, according to Emily Post:

"Single Individual with Guest

If you wish to encourage a single friend to invite a guest, find out the guest''s name, especially if the couple is engaged, living in the same house, or seeing each other on an exclusive basis. If they live at different addresses, it is considerate to send an invitation to the guest directly. "

Of course, different strokes for different folks! Not everyone is concerned with "proper" etiquette, whatever that means! I''m sure I break one of her "rules" every day, haha. Thought I would look it up since this will probably be something I''ll have to consider fairly soon! Some of it is good advice, some is outdated and silly. Maybe this is one of those...

 

[musey]

WEIRD!!!!! Why on earth have I only seen "and Guest unless married" everywhere?! What is going on in this world!

I also thought it was proper to allow the primary invitee the freedom to bring whom they wish, but it sounds like not, according to Emily Post. Aw man, now all the reassuring I've gotten over in BIW feels like it's gone out the window. I am a sucky, rude bride.


ETA: They say on theknot.com, too, but they elaborate that it's only encouraged for an "and guest" that the couple knows. (Not applicable to your situation, but helps with mine.)

As far as being outdated and silly... this may have been geared toward people who didn't have to pay $5+ PER INVITE. Not that that's a lot individually, but it adds up fast if you're doing it for every single significant other on your list.

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:58:05 PM
Author: musey
WEIRD!!!!! Why on earth have I only seen ''and Guest unless married'' everywhere?! What is going on in this world!


I also thought it was proper to allow the primary invitee the freedom to bring whom they wish, but it sounds like not, according to Emily Post. Aw man, now all the reassuring I''ve gotten over in BIW feels like it''s gone out the window. I am a sucky, rude bride.



ETA: They say on theknot.com, too, but they elaborate that it''s only encouraged for an ''and guest'' that the couple knows. (Not applicable to your situation, but helps with mine.)


As far as being outdated and silly... this may have been geared toward people who didn''t have to pay $5+ PER INVITE. Not that that''s a lot individually, but it adds up fast if you''re doing it for every single significant other on your list.

Aww, you''re not a sucky, rude bride! I hope my reaction hasn''t made you feel as such. For me, it was just that we''re living together, so it stung a bit more when it came to our home without my name on it.

I''m sure all of your guests feel welcomed!

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 1:11:35 PM
Author: ash313

Aww, you''re not a sucky, rude bride! I hope my reaction hasn''t made you feel as such. For me, it was just that we''re living together, so it stung a bit more when it came to our home without my name on it.

I''m sure all of your guests feel welcomed!

I know your situation is quite different, I mostly got concerned by the responses that you got. I was saying in the other thread that all my wedding stress has been to do with whether or not people will be offended by something we''ve done, but I thought I''d covered my bases with the invitations pretty well

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 7/3/2008 12:58:05 PM
Author: musey
WEIRD!!!!! Why on earth have I only seen 'and Guest unless married' everywhere?! What is going on in this world!


I also thought it was proper to allow the primary invitee the freedom to bring whom they wish, but it sounds like not, according to Emily Post. Aw man, now all the reassuring I've gotten over in BIW feels like it's gone out the window. I am a sucky, rude bride.



ETA: They say on theknot.com, too, but they elaborate that it's only encouraged for an 'and guest' that the couple knows. (Not applicable to your situation, but helps with mine.)


As far as being outdated and silly... this may have been geared toward people who didn't have to pay $5+ PER INVITE. Not that that's a lot individually, but it adds up fast if you're doing it for every single significant other on your list.

Musey, honey, you are not sucky nor rude. I think that lots of people have their own definitions of what's acceptable (whether 'official etiquette' or gut feeling) and maybe having you look up every person's name and address would have added an additional week of wedding planning that you realistically don't have to spare, in addition to shelling out an additional five bucks a pop per additional invite. I think etiquette is great if you have all the time in the world and a limitless supply of money to go along with it, but I *also* think that people understand that brides are under considerable stress and will UNDERSTAND.

In the case of this thread, it was an invitation from a family member after 9 years of dating. Assuming this family member was in the loop at all, after 9 years, it probably would've been the considerate thing to go out of their way for this particular situation. But, there are a dozen reasons why the bride might not have done it, and at the end of the day, ash313 *is* still invited to the wedding to be included, which (to me, anyway) is the important thing.

I imagine the only time I'd be offended with an invite thing is a) if I wasn't invited at all even though J and I are practically engaged and evvvvvvvveryone knows it, unless it was a small wedding in which case rock on, I totally get it because I will probably have one myself due to budget constraints, *OR* b) I'd hung out with the people multiple times and actually connected and gotten to know them (not just happened to be in the same location at a party for a while but spent the whole time with different people) and they "and guested" me (but I am notoriously over-sensitive, so take that with a mound of salt as well!). Now that I'm living in another country to most of my friends, I've told them an email invite is a-ok with me, if they want to save the cash and international postage with the regular invite! It all comes down to the fact that you're inviting these people to enjoy this wonderful day with you, and I think if they get all bent out of shape about it, there are other things going on that don't have anything directly to do with you.

 

[fieryred33143]

Yeah its kind of hard to go by the rules…that’s why you should know your audience.

In some sites/books, they say only married couples get named. In others, they say married/live-ins get named (this one for example: http://www.theknot.com/ch_article.html?Object=A00218111458)

But as I said, know your audience. In my best friend’s circle of friends/family, they expect to be named personally. That’s just how they are and she is struggling with getting names of everyone.

In my family, I won’t even have to send invites because its not like they’ll RSVP. They have no concept of etiquette when it comes to parties. They’ll just show up to my house the day before ready to party (gotta love newyoricans)

 

[Izzy03]

My bf''s family takes us serious, but I feel like many people do not simply because we are not engaged. Especially my coworkers. They made sure to tell me that they thought it was very stupid that I was picking out paint samples for my BF''s house (we do not live together). Um, excuse me, but we do intend on getting married so we are prepping the house as it will be "OURS" in the future. Besides who the hell cares! Even if my BF and I were to break up then the house is his along with the paint I picked out.

OP: You have been together almost 10 years, that is probably longer than the bride and groom. They should have added your name invite. "Formal rules" or not: You are right, they are wrong.

I hate people.

 

[musey]

Date: 7/3/2008 2:03:14 PM
Author: Izzy03
OP: You have been together almost 10 years, that is probably longer than the bride and groom. They should have added your name invite. 'Formal rules' or not: You are right, they are wrong.

I hate people.

I guess my only point is that it's HIGHLY doubtful that this was an intentional slight. This bride may think, as I did, that it is customary to include both names only if the couple is married (the book I used for addressing guidelines did tell me this, as I'm sure many other resources do, as well). In that case, it could hardly be taken as 'rude' or 'offensive' or 'wrong,' in my opinion.

Now, I chose not to follow this rule to the letter--I included names if (and only if) I knew them.

This is a slight departure, but I sort of think of it this way (for my own purposes): If I'd want both to be there regardless of the state of their relationship, and regardless of whether or not the "primary" friend or relative was attending--then both names go on the invitation. If the significant other is being invited only out of courtesy to the "primary" invitee (and otherwise would not have been invited), then it makes sense (in theory) to give an "and guest" instead, if the couple prefers.

That's necessarily not applicable here, but is in most cases of "and guest"-ing. I'm not saying it's a rule, just my train of thought. For the record, I didn't "and guest" anyone, I just didn't put the second name on the envelope if I didn't know it.

 

[Mediterranean]

Isn''t the whole "and Guest" thing just making more work for the bride & the people helping her plan?

I was under the impression that when he time came to have escort cards or place cards or whatever made up, you HAD TO know the "and Guest"''s names, proper names, so you could put them on those cards, right? Because no matter how "proper" "and Guest" is on an invitation, it''s NEVER proper on a table!!!

You''ve seen all those pictures of the "stuff" at the reception? Inevitably, there''s that one shot of all the escort cards on the table. Or the shot of the tables with the place cards on them None of them say "and Guest" Never, right?

So, why are these people making more work for themselves?? Seems counterintuitive to me.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 7/3/2008 1:32:31 PM
Author: fieryred33143


In my family, I won’t even have to send invites because its not like they’ll RSVP. They have no concept of etiquette when it comes to parties. They’ll just show up to my house the day before ready to party (gotta love newyoricans)

OMG, are you RELATED to me, LMAO???? Seriously. My family is all Newyoricans, but we moved to Miami long ago (in the 1970''s) So now, they''re Newyoricans who don''t RSVP AND they run on "Miami Time" (generally one hour AFTER the invitation says to show up...) Dude...I''m seriously thinking I have to print up a whole ''nother set of invitations for them....with a different start-time...of about an hour earlier

 

[Bliss]

I totally understand! I've been both -- guest and named SO on wedding invites. In either case I didn't mind because the couple knew me and I knew how busy they were. But it was extra nice to be named on the invite and I always thought it was especially gracious and sweet of the couple when I was specifically named.

The worst was when my FI was invited with NO guest. And we both knew the couple well. The bride told all of the groomsmen they were not allowed to bring their SOs. We weren't married at the time, but we had been together for a couple of years. The other groomsmen had WIVES who were not invited! So guess what? Half of them, including FI, politely declined and didn't attend. I thought it was incredibly disrespectful. It wasn't a cost issue, but apparently the bride didn't want a lot of women at her wedding. Huh?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 7/6/2008 11:25:28 AM
Author: Bliss
I totally understand! I've been both -- guest and named SO on wedding invites. In either case I didn't mind because the couple knew me and I knew how busy they were. But it was extra nice to be named on the invite and I always thought it was especially gracious and sweet of the couple when I was specifically named.


The worst was when my FI was invited with NO guest. And we both knew the couple well. The bride told all of the groomsmen they were not allowed to bring their SOs. We weren't married at the time, but we had been together for a couple of years. The other groomsmen had WIVES who were not invited! So guess what? Half of them, including FI, politely declined and didn't attend. I thought it was incredibly disrespectful. It wasn't a cost issue, but apparently the bride didn't want a lot of women at her wedding. Huh?

I'm wildly speculating, but it sounds like she was freakishly afraid of being outshone at her wedding. If that is the case, I pity her. What behemoth insecurities.

Or could it have been a cultural thing? I've never heard of anything like that before.

 

[Bliss]

Gwendolyn! You're right. She was super insecure. This is a true story. When she was dating her then boyfriend, she found out that his ex had ridden in his car. So she made him reupholster the passenger side seat! Seriously! He had to get new leather!

And he did it! They are still married but none of his friends ever see him because she doesn't like him to have friends. It's really sad! But on another note, hey... at least they're still going strong... The poor guy has medical issues (with his skin, not life-threatening) so I think he feels really dependent on her. And she, in turn, keeps him under tyranny.

But isn't that ridiculous? Reupholster the passenger side car seat because another woman had sat in it? We were amazed. How did she kiss him? Did she make him get a lip transplant? "Some other woman has kissed thy lips! Get thee to a transplant-ery!"

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 7/6/2008 11:41:44 AM
Author: Bliss
Gwendolyn! You''re right. She was super insecure. This is a true story. When she was dating her then boyfriend, she found out that his ex had ridden in his car. So she made him reupholster the passenger side seat! Seriously! He had to get new leather!

And he did it! They are still married but none of his friends ever see him because she doesn''t like him to have friends. It''s really sad! But on another note, hey... at least they''re still going strong... The poor guy has medical issues (with his skin, not life-threatening) so I think he feels really dependent on her. And she, in turn, keeps him under tyranny.

You are KIDDING me. You...you just have to be kidding me.

This whole story makes my stomach lurch, but seriously?! She demanded WHAT, and he did WHAT?! Did anyone tell him to lose her, that skin condition or not, his only choice for a life partner didn''t have to be HER?!

Sorry, but I can''t say it sounds very positive that they''re still going strong if she is a madly insecure tyrant and he a sad bleating sheep.

 

[Bliss]

Gwendolyn, I know... There isn''t much we could do. They kind of drifted out of everyone''s lives. We miss the guy, J, but his wife won''t ever let him see anyone. While they were dating FI and his friends certainly told him the car seat thing was "messed up." But there''s only so much you can do without a full intervention when someone is dead set on being with someone.

It was really odd with the wedding thing, too. Because you''re getting married and that''s the be all and the end all of a true union and pledge. So why aren''t other women allowed to be there? They''re married and in serious relationships! Crazy. He was a college friend. So carefree and happy during those times but once he met his wife, that personality and bon vivant attitude disappeared. Very sad!

 

[Bliss]

*** Oh and sorry for the threadjack! ***

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/6/2008 11:56:03 AM
Author: Bliss
*** Oh and sorry for the threadjack! ***

No worries! In fact, this story sort of reminds me that there are other couples whose relationship are not at all like mine, and I am lucky to have found a mutually satisfying one!

Thus, there are worse things than being labeled an "and guest", right?

 

[diamondfan]

I think it pretty silly that after all of the years you have been together that they could not put your name on the invite. Like, who else is he going to bring with him? Pretty dumb but try to overlook it as it was not likely meant to anything mean or nasty...

 

[heather318]

Well, if it makes you feel any better, FI''s roommate got married this summer and when we received the invitation it said FI "and guest" even though they KNOW my name and we are ENGAGED!

Some people are just oblivious. Maybe they thought it was the formal way to do it.. Or they didn''t know the proper way to put your name on the invite.. I still think it should have read both of your names on separate lines according to proper etiquette.

I wouldn''t worry too much about it.. Just laugh it off..