...and GUEST?! Being an LIW is rough

[Babyblue033]

I guess I''m the only one who wouldn''t really care either way. Actually being a "guest" is much more preferable than what I got very recently from FI''s very close friend we hang out with all the time. They were thoughtful enough to include my name in the invitation, just not thoughtful enough to SPELL MY NAME CORRECTLY

 

[krisvrn]

Date: 7/2/2008 10:06:38 AM
Author:leeNY
Hey ladies,


Just need to vent a moment. So SO''s cousin is getting married in August in Chicago. Black-tie, super formal affair (fun! I''m totally looking forward to it, even if that''s not something I would choose for myself).


So we''ve been talking about this wedding for ages, got the save the dates months ago, etc. We live very close to the bride''s parents (his aunt and uncle) and visit them often.


I have been dating my SO for 9 and a half YEARS, and we have lived together for 2 and a half of them. I have always felt very much a part of his family, felt like I belonged, etc.


So, here''s where the venting comes in. We get the invite yesterday for his cousin''s big wedding (return address is from his aunt and uncle), and it''s addressed just to him. Hmmm, I think, ok, well I guess maybe they''re just being formal. The inner envelope is addressed to SO ''AND GUEST.'' There was something about that that just really bothered me. I mean, I know we''re not engaged yet, so that''s probably the ''formal'' thing to do, and I''m not blaming his family for it, but it just sort of reminded me of my ''unofficial'' place in the family. I''m sure if we were engaged my name would have been on there, and married it would have been on the outside address, obviously.


So I went for a long run and was feeling much better afterward.


SO came home from work and I showed him the invite, and asked in a joking way who he was taking as his guest? He kind of laughed and said ''that''s weird they didn''t put your name, maybe they were just being formal?'' I said that''s what I figured, although I thought proper etiquette was to put the person''s name if they were in a long term relationship and you knew that''s who they were bringing? I don''t know...


So then he said ''You are not my ''and guest'' you are much more to that to me and to my family'' and gave me a nice, long hug and kiss. He totally recognized that it bothered me and responded, which felt so good. I told him I wanted it to say ''Mrs. ___'' and he was like ''I understand.''


So that was nice, but still, it bothered me!


Grrr....does anyone else have moments like these? Where you feel like you have ''outsider'' status officially no matter how much they welcome you and take you in? Like until you have that ring, you''re still just sort of a ''floater?''

Sorry to hear that you were upset. I agree with other posters, no need to be upset with cousin or aunt/uncle as they most likely didn''t mean anything by it. And while your SO sounded sweet and acknowledged your sadness, it would personally bother me being with someone that LoNg without a commitment. That is a long time being with someone and no engagement....
I dont know your situation or hx with your SO but if that was me, I would be upset with him......the way I think of it, he needs to get going w/ a proposal with you or else you will continue to get more of these "guest" title....I think there are other deeper issues there.

 

[fieryred33143]

It’s funny that you would equate an engagement with a commitment. They’ve been together for 10 years, live together, and are part of each other’s families. I don’t know if this is just me but that seems pretty committed to me.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 7/6/2008 3:44:44 AM
Author: Mediterranean

Date: 7/3/2008 1:32:31 PM
Author: fieryred33143




In my family, I won’t even have to send invites because its not like they’ll RSVP. They have no concept of etiquette when it comes to parties. They’ll just show up to my house the day before ready to party (gotta love newyoricans)

OMG, are you RELATED to me, LMAO???? Seriously. My family is all Newyoricans, but we moved to Miami long ago (in the 1970''s) So now, they''re Newyoricans who don''t RSVP AND they run on ''Miami Time'' (generally one hour AFTER the invitation says to show up...) Dude...I''m seriously thinking I have to print up a whole ''nother set of invitations for them....with a different start-time...of about an hour earlier

HAHA I didn''t see this before. My boyfriend''s cousin got married about two years ago. The invitation said 4:30 and his parents wanted to be there at 4:30 on the dot. I kept telling them this is Miami. We don''t need to be there at 4:30. Sure enough, the bride didn''t show up until 6:30!!

I know I''m going to save a lot on invitations. All I have to do is tell my aunt and the whole family will know

 

[Deelight]

Date: 7/6/2008 1:46:13 PM
Author: fieryred33143
It''s funny that you would equate an engagement with a commitment. They''ve been together for 10 years, live together, and are part of each other''s families. I don''t know if this is just me but that seems pretty committed to me.

Ditto to that one I have been with my FF for 10 years and we not engaged yet and we are both 110% committed to each other ring or no ring.

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/6/2008 2:17:04 PM
Author: Deelight

Date: 7/6/2008 1:46:13 PM

Author: fieryred33143

It''s funny that you would equate an engagement with a commitment. They''ve been together for 10 years, live together, and are part of each other''s families. I don''t know if this is just me but that seems pretty committed to me.

Ditto to that one I have been with my FF for 10 years and we not engaged yet and we are both 110% committed to each other ring or no ring.

Thanks, I think you both make excellent points!

Certainly, an engagement and a wedding is a commitment, but mostly just pomp and circumstance to us. If we needed to be married that badly, we could do it any day of the week at city hall. The fact is, we want to wait until we can afford a lovely party for ourselves and our families to celebrate our love togehter.

In fact, the commitments we have made to each other (living together, buying a car together, sharing finances, etc.) are, to me, even more of a commitment than a simple gifting of a ring, since we have done so outside of the legal protections of marriage. That is one BIG leap of faith, that we took together.

To me, I feel far more committed to him because of the decisions we have already made than I imagine I will feel when we finally are engaged to be married.

I am anxious to be married because it will be fun and a beautiful celebration of us, not because I need a commitment. That I already have!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 7/2/2008 7:57:42 PM
Author: Deelight

Date: 7/2/2008 3:16:21 PM
Author: Blair138
Ash-I TOTALLY RELATE!!! My (now) FI''s cousin got married in March-I went to the bridal shower and have been in the family as long as her-I believe my name was on the invite BUT my name was spelled wrong on my placecard-it irked me so much to know she didn''t care to even double check-and it''s not like my name is hard to spell.


The invite thing has happened SO MANY TIMES I cannot even count anymore-I used to get really upset and would tell my BF ''guess I''m not family'' or ''who you gonna take?''-I eventually got over it but it sucks big time-hang in there

FF''s extended family mis-spell my name ALL THE TIME, it is funny after 10 years ya thunk they would have got it already

, I always get interesting variations as well.

I actually find it a little amusing and think of it as a game, how have they butchered my name this time LOL.

My grandma misspelled my name last year on me birthday card. That was just funny though. I mean I was the 1st grandchild!!! How could she forget?!?!!?

 

[krisvrn]

To a certain extent I agree with you all but think ladies...one can live with a man for years, buy a house together, get pets together, have kids together but no marriage? why is that? the first thing that I''D ask myself is why? am i not good enough to be his wife and have his name and be in his family? But I am good enough to share a mortgage and bed with??
I am not saying this is her situation but that is what I would think if I was in that situation. Ladies... start thinking... some of us get ourselves in these long "committed" relationships and then we are waiting around for an engagement and we start to get upset when we get invites that say "guests"? As an other poster (perfect pear page 1) purrfectpear said - Sounds like some of this angst is misplaced anger? If you are living together isn''t it your SO who has put you in the position of not being Mrs. or FI?

Sorry you all I have to agree wtih purrfect pear here....

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 7/6/2008 5:33:20 PM
Author: krisvrn
To a certain extent I agree with you all but think ladies...one can live with a man for years, buy a house together, get pets together, have kids together but no marriage? why is that? the first thing that I''D ask myself is why? am i not good enough to be his wife and have his name and be in his family? But I am good enough to share a mortgage and bed with??
I am not saying this is her situation but that is what I would think if I was in that situation. Ladies... start thinking... some of us get ourselves in these long ''committed'' relationships and then we are waiting around for an engagement and we start to get upset when we get invites that say ''guests''? As an other poster (perfect pear page 1) purrfectpear said - Sounds like some of this angst is misplaced anger? If you are living together isn''t it your SO who has put you in the position of not being Mrs. or FI?

Sorry you all I have to agree wtih purrfect pear here....

I can def. see what you are saying and those are wise words for anyone.

But I think Lee''s situation is a bit different. She''s what...25? Which means they started dating at 15?? I don''t know very many people that want to get married in high school and for those that do, there aren''t a lot of people that would support it. Plus they''re both in grad school now so they both have a lot on their plate.

The number "10" seems like a long time (and it is) but in those 10 years were teenage years and college. I think anyone else would not have gotten married in high school and most wait until after college to start thinking about weddings. I think she and her guy are on the right track...its just a bit misleading when you hear 10 years.

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/6/2008 6:06:41 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 7/6/2008 5:33:20 PM

Author: krisvrn

To a certain extent I agree with you all but think ladies...one can live with a man for years, buy a house together, get pets together, have kids together but no marriage? why is that? the first thing that I''D ask myself is why? am i not good enough to be his wife and have his name and be in his family? But I am good enough to share a mortgage and bed with??

I am not saying this is her situation but that is what I would think if I was in that situation. Ladies... start thinking... some of us get ourselves in these long ''committed'' relationships and then we are waiting around for an engagement and we start to get upset when we get invites that say ''guests''? As an other poster (perfect pear page 1) purrfectpear said - Sounds like some of this angst is misplaced anger? If you are living together isn''t it your SO who has put you in the position of not being Mrs. or FI?


Sorry you all I have to agree wtih purrfect pear here....

I can def. see what you are saying and those are wise words for anyone.


But I think Lee''s situation is a bit different. She''s what...25? Which means they started dating at 15?? I don''t know very many people that want to get married in high school and for those that do, there aren''t a lot of people that would support it. Plus they''re both in grad school now so they both have a lot on their plate.


The number ''10'' seems like a long time (and it is) but in those 10 years were teenage years and college. I think anyone else would not have gotten married in high school and most wait until after college to start thinking about weddings. I think she and her guy are on the right track...its just a bit misleading when you hear 10 years.

You''ve got my situation right, Fiery. We are 26, and the first 3 years of dating were in high school, the next five and a half we were in undergrad, and the last year and a half we have been in grad school (we moved in our last year or so of undergrad). We probably could have squeezed a wedding in there somewhere, but ultimately decided waiting until we were a bit more stable financially and in life situations (at least one of us gainfully employed!) would be so much more enjoyable for ourselves and our families. Living on student loans is tough, but is the path we have chosen together!

I suppose you can check my other post for my response to my SO "putting me" in a situation. Honestly, I think women that would use that language or would "wait around" for an engagement are the ones we really need to worry about. The ones that can''t recognize their own power enough to secure everything that they want and need. The ones that think that men can put them in a situation they don''t want to be in, and then blame HIM or get angry with HIM for it.

Yikes!

So I guess the 10 years becomes important here when you realize that''s how long I''ve been involved with his family. Babies were born, aunts, uncles and grandparents have died, graduations, etc. I''ve been there for all of it. And since we have always been so welcomed and recognized as a couple with the family, I was just a bit surprised to see that on the invite sent to our home. To me, it seemed as if they didn''t really care if I was there at all, even though I am quite close with the woman who I know sent the invites! It seemed that he could bring any old date he wanted, and that would have been fine.

Anyway, it''s been awhile, and I''m quite over it. I''m going (obviously) and it will be a grand old time!

The reason for the OP was to allow a space for the discussion of those feelings of not quite belonging that I feel many LIWs have (judging by the responses, this is true!).

I am glad that there are obviously many others who have never had to feel this way!

 

[Carbonlove]

I would be hurt by the "guest" invite too, but I''m sure they were just caught up in the whole wedding hoopla. You took it very graciously!

Leeny, we are peas in a pod! My BF and I have been together for 11 years and we are 26 and 27. I wanted to add to the perspective of a 10+ relationship. We have been dating since we were 15 and then we went to college together. My BF got a job and his MBA. I got 2 degrees and I''m studying for medical school. We have been living together for 5 years and own a house and a dog. Regardless, of what some may believe, my BF did not put me in the situation of "waiting around." We are in a committed relationship and in that relationship we made plans together to accomplish our many goals in life and to wait until we felt the time was right to get married. I hope that gives insight to those of you who don''t understand being in a relationship that long without a proposal.

 

[ash313]

Date: 7/7/2008 4:08:24 PM
Author: Carbonlove
I would be hurt by the ''guest'' invite too, but I''m sure they were just caught up in the whole wedding hoopla. You took it very graciously!


Leeny, we are peas in a pod! My BF and I have been together for 11 years and we are 26 and 27. I wanted to add to the perspective of a 10+ relationship. We have been dating since we were 15 and then we went to college together. My BF got a job and his MBA. I got 2 degrees and I''m studying for medical school. We have been living together for 5 years and own a house and a dog. Regardless, of what some may believe, my BF did not put me in the situation of ''waiting around.'' We are in a committed relationship and in that relationship we made plans together to accomplish our many goals in life and to wait until we felt the time was right to get married. I hope that gives insight to those of you who don''t understand being in a relationship that long without a proposal.

We totally are peas in a pod! (he turns 27 in Sept.) That''s exactly how we feel at the moment, just taking things as they come and accomplishing many other important things while we have the time and energy to do them (namely, school!). A wedding can happen anytime, but our LSAT and GRE scores wouldn''t last forever, had to get in there and get it done!

 

[dreaming of the day]

I haven''t been with my FF for 10 years, but we are celebrating our 7th anniversary this October and at the same time I am turning 25. We get questions on a constant basis from everyone about when we plan on getting engaged, but what people don''t understand is that we met at such a young age, so even though we have been together for many years the first few don''t really count. We also are completely committed, without a doubt, and thankfully I haven''t experienced the "and guest" because we live at his parents house so most invitations are to the "family" which I am considered to be a part of.