Another question for the old-marrieds

[Christa]

Some of the responses to Deco''s poll made me wonder--how many of you had a kind of "epiphany" at some point in your marriage that changed things for the better? Or did you just gradually learn as you went along?

Not sure if my question is coming out clear, but my story is basically this: we got married ridiculously young, and neither of us grew up with great marriage models. Things gradually went downhill, especially after we had kids (also ridiculously young!). Nothing major like abuse/affairs/drugs, but what I remember most from those years is just being constantly annoyed at my husband. Several years ago I had the beginnings of an epiphany (crystallized by some things I read in the last couple of years) that my happiness in my marriage depended way more on me than on him. Basically, men are incredibly easy to please, and when they are pleased they will do just about anything for us. It''s a kind of manipulation, I guess, but it''s the kind where everyone wins.

Anyone relate to that? Any other stories of making it over the "hump"? Why did your marriage make it in spite of the statistics?

 

[Kaleigh]

I can relate to that. We were so young when we got married. We had the kids very early as well. I learned to just be more easy going. Both kids had health issues, hubby had started his own company. I was the kind of person that had to manage everything. But then there wasn't anything left of me after that. I was working full time, managing the kids and then my brother died. I fell apart after that. It changed my whole outlook on life. I chose to stay home with the kids, and smell the roses. I became much more laid back. Another thing that helped was I found my voice and learned how to say NO. No meaning family issues, setting boundaries, or just saying no to serving on a committe. What can you say to NO???, not much, LOL!!!

I love my husband so much more now.

We are empty nesters and are having a blast. The other thing we do is laugh, we are constantly cracking jokes and teasing each other. It's a riot and makes the kids laugh. My grandparents were the same way, they were married for 68 years. If we can be half as lucky as them I will be a happy gal.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

For a long time I was very critical of lots of things he did...even things he did to try to help me..like loading the dishwasher, etc. At some point I realized that it made me unhappy to do that, and it certainly didn''t have a positive effect on him, so I consciously tried to cut way back on doing that. I tried to appreciate him more, and that certainly helped, too. He also had some bad habits developed over time like having a few drinks every night to relieve the stress from his job. I did bug him about that, but one day he made the decision himself that he needed to quit that. So all in all, we are better now than we were earlier. And I am glad we survived. I think it helps that both our parents are still married, so divorce is not a word we''ve ever mentioned. But I am with you on the idea that my attitude has the most to do with my happiness.

 

[diamondfan]

Christa, I agree. In essence, a ,man is fairly simple. Meet a couple of his needs, make him feel loved and special, and you are golden. Of course, I am not saying to do this if someone is abusive etc, but in most decent marriages...I sort of had that "a-ha" moment: I love him, he is not perfect and I am not either, I can spend my time being annoyed, pissed, snappy etc or I can decide to shift my view a bit. Now, of course, there are days where I am incredibly annoyed by him, and I am sure vice versa. We still fight about two things: his mother, he agrees with me to a point but since I really cannot stand her he thinks I am too harsh overall and money, I spend wayyy too much in his opinion and always want things so he can never surprise me...but we are still on the same page about most things which is great. Bottom line, marriage takes work. If you got married young like I did, and some of you did, there are lots of things to learn, and we change and evolve over time. To make sure we change in compatible ways, we have to make efforts towards that goal, and not just assume the marriage will thrive or endure even without our efforts towards its success...

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/11/2006 10:56:01 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
For a long time I was very critical of lots of things he did...even things he did to try to help me..like loading the dishwasher, etc. At some point I realized that it made me unhappy to do that, and it certainly didn''t have a positive effect on him, so I consciously tried to cut way back on doing that. I tried to appreciate him more, and that certainly helped, too. He also had some bad habits developed over time like having a few drinks every night to relieve the stress from his job. I did bug him about that, but one day he made the decision himself that he needed to quit that. So all in all, we are better now than we were earlier. And I am glad we survived. I think it helps that both our parents are still married, so divorce is not a word we''ve ever mentioned. But I am with you on the idea that my attitude has the most to do with my happiness.

Yeah, exactly! Plus when I nag less he''s happier and more likely to do the stuff I used to nag about.

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/11/2006 11:04:19 PM
Author: diamondfan
Christa, I agree. In essence, a ,man is fairly simple. Meet a couple of his needs, make him feel loved and special, and you are golden. Of course, I am not saying to do this if someone is abusive etc, but in most decent marriages...I sort of had that ''a-ha'' moment: I love him, he is not perfect and I am not either, I can spend my time being annoyed, pissed, snappy etc or I can decide to shift my view a bit. Now, of course, there are days where I am incredibly annoyed by him, and I am sure vice versa. We still fight about two things: his mother, he agrees with me to a point but since I really cannot stand her he thinks I am too harsh overall and money, I spend wayyy too much in his opinion and always want things so he can never surprise me...but we are still on the same page about most things which is great. Bottom line, marriage takes work. If you got married young like I did, and some of you did, there are lots of things to learn, and we change and evolve over time. To make sure we change in compatible ways, we have to make efforts towards that goal, and not just assume the marriage will thrive or endure even without our efforts towards its success...

Yeah, what she said! I used to have the attitude of "why should I meet his needs when he''s not meeting mine?", but have finally figured out that first of all, someone has to get the need-meeting ball rolling or we''re at a stalemate, and second, his needs are much easier to figure out than mine are.

Heck, half the time *I* couldn''t tell you what my needs are.

Kaleigh, I totally agree about cutting back, too. I know I can''t do a good job of being a wife, mother and full-time employee. Something has to go, and I chose to focus on being a wife and mom for now. And the upside of getting started so ridiculously young is that there''ll be plenty of time to do all the other stuff when my kids are grown.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh, yeah. I agree about having some balance and not trying to do it all. Very important. It''s funny but it sounds like we all married very young, but we are still married! I''m one who doesn''t necessarily think it''s the age that is the primary factor in divorce.

 

[diamondfan]

That is too funny...I say, go for what you can figure out...if I can just manage that, (of course I am not always batting 1000 but I try, A for effort) then he is more accomodating, happy to please, eager to do things that I want...I still get mad and bitch at him, and he is not always sympathetic if he thinks I am over-reacting to something that is minor in his eyes...but now, I can say, I know it is minor to you but it is not minor to me, and we can agree to disagree. He is also really great at apologizing to end a fight (and since it is usually his fault it is good he caves first

) whereas I am STUBBORN and will storm out of the room and give him the silent treatment, which he hates, but I get so fuming po''d that I cannot just chitter chat unless we come to some compromise or he admits I am always right!!! (See, I am easy too...just give me what I want and agree with me!

 

[decodelighted]

Oh man! This is the best thread ever! I hope it keeps going & going! What a great idea, Christa!

Thanks to everyone who''s shared so far!

 

[lizz]

I''ve only been married 4 years, but there has definitely been an evolution in our relationship in that time. At my bridal shower, someone started the topic (oops, I think it was me!) of what are some of the keys to marital happiness. One of the girls said (and I''ll never forget it) "It doesn''t matter where the lamp goes." She meant not to argue over small, insignificant things. I guess what she meant is to choose your battles. I guess that was my epiphany, Christa. That having my way all the time just doesn''t matter. I learned to stop caring about what appetizer we should choose when we eat out, for example, and now I always let my husband choose it. Things like that. That little epiphany has gone a long way!

DiamondFan, as to the storming out and silent treatment thing . . . my husband has always pouted and given me the silent treatment when angry. It drives me NUTS. I started pointing out to him that he was pouting. I also start laughing now because his pouting is so silly, and then he starts laughing, because he knows he''s doing it again. I can now get him to talk through things when he''s angry at me instead of storming off.

 

[Mara]

like lizz we are newly marrieds, going on our third year soon and i definitely think that some of it is fly by the seat of your pants kinda thing as you go along. also i think that you continue to learn more and more about each other every day you spend together. for us the biggest thing was how to live together harmoniously with our different personalities. aka he is a neat-nik and i'm a really distracted type who leaves stuff all over. we are still working that one out but it's getting there. aka he is trying to chill out more and relax, and i am trying to be less distracted and try to pick up after myself as i go along. the funniest thing is that he is in the best mood ever when the house is totally clean...so funny!!! oh and yes we work on the money thing too...aka he is not a spender AT ALL and i am definitely a shopper...we are still figuring that one out too. like what is the happy medium for us both...especially with priorities for the future and all that...and where we'd like to be in 5 or 10 years etc.

marriage definitely takes the work but it's fun to figure things out as you go too. and to know that you are in it together and you are both devoted to making it work and making changes necessary to have that long life together. oh and we have learned to not bother holding grudges against each other. if we have a fight or a spat, we get over it quickly so we can make up and move on. i am totally not the type to be at odds with people i love....it's so not worth it.

i love hearing from the old-marrieds, please post more tidbits for us newbies to pick up on!!

 

[diamondfan]

Lizz, any time you can both start laughing over a tiff you are in great shape. I have trouble moving on and acting fine if things are not at least somewhat resolved.

I think the two most vital things are remembering that you do love each other, so try to work through the issue even if means giving some ground. What good is being "right" if it leaves deep scars.

Also, it is important to keep your own interests and have things you can do separately. This is critical in keeping the interest and respect up, so you do not solely depend on each other and lose sight of yourself.

Marriage is a journey, there are detours, bumps in the road, unexpected issues crop up and we evolve as to what works and does not...it is a learning process all the way to the end. As long as people still realize that, I think it helps a lot!

 

[Cehrabehra]

our hump was from like 6-8 years. Right around our 6th anniversary to our 8th or so. I wanted to leave so bad, couldn''t figure out how I could stand him for another 40 years. Felt like I sacrificed too much, too much of myself, too much of what I wanted, too much of everything. I remember feeling like my love for him had stretched so thin that all that was left was this tiny thread, so fragile.... but you know? it never severed. And it rebuilt. Mostly because *I* realized that this was my one shot at "happily ever after" to share my grandkids with someone, to share a life I''d promised with someone, and that *I* didn''t have to sacrifice anything at all - that life is here for me to create, and it will ALWAYS be made more difficult by *sharing* a life and learning to (and accepting you must) compromise on way more than you ever dreamed you''d have to.

We still have our ups and downs.... sometimes I still think it''s more work than it should be, and other times I look back and think wow, we''ve really had it easy! Where you are at that *moment* plays such a heavy roll in your perspective of things.

Does anyone here watch that "Till Death" show? OMG I can relate to it so much - I am way more the old married lady but I remember being that annoying newlywed woman... hovering at the bathroom door, "When are you going to be done? I miss you!" bahahahahahaha

 

[fire&ice]

There exists some truth to the "7 year itch". Recognize it & realize that usually it just means that your relationship is moving to a higher plane. Enjoy the ride.

Mutual respect. Laugh often. Have at least one thing that you all enjoy doing together. Be it finding a great new restaurant, going to your same fav haunt, museums, etc. We both take interest in each other''s career.

And - for the men - one simple rule for happiness - HAPPY WIFE. HAPPY LIFE.

 

[hlmr]

Great topic! It is really good to write down what you have learned in life sometimes.

I have been married to my dh for 15 years and we have been together since high school - 24 years in total. We have had many hurdles to cross over the years. My dh''s dad died when dh was 16 so he really become a stand in man of the house for his mother, and I was the ''other woman''. Sufficed to say, it was very, very difficult. We managed to survive, got engaged and then married when I was 24 and he 25.

The next year my mother died and that almost destroyed me and my marriage. DH was not there for me emotionally at all, or even physically (as he moved to a new job right after the funeral) and I could not move with him for a month after that. Then, I was all alone in a new city, he was in a busy new job and I was in rough shape. The next few years were extremely rocky for us, especially after our son was born. When it was time to move again three years later, I was quite sure I wouldn''t be moving with him. In the end, I did, thank goodness.

My AHA moment came a few years later, after many other major disappointments in our lives, when I realized that I rarely told him how I was truly feeling inside. I always kind of expected him to know what was going on with me. My mistake. I assumed that because I was in tune with his feelings, needs, expectations, that he would be in tune with mine. Wrong! I also realized as others have mentioned here, that men are generally very happy when their basic needs are being met, and therefore more able to think about what you might be needing from them.

As we are aging, I find that he is more in tune with my feelings now, and I am willing to share my vulnerabilities more with him, which helps him understand where I am coming from easier. I also don''t hold grudges like I used to when we were younger. Grudges really only hurt the person holding them, and are such a waste of energy.

I guess, the first key to a happy marriage is to first be happy with yourself, because no one else can make you happy if you''re not already there. I think another important factor is that you have respect for each other and the contributions and sacrifices that each one makes to the marriage and the family. Just like a job, you have to work at a marriage, and learn from each others mistakes, so you can continue to grow as individuals and as a couple.

Another thing I think is very important (which we should have done) is to always make time for date nights, expecially after children come along, so you can stay connected as a couple and have some time to talk, just the two of you. Even if you don''t have children, I think it is nice to have one night a week devoted to each other if possible.

 

[TCBug]

Christa's EXCELLENT topic brought me out of lurkerdome! I've been lurking (well, ok, stalking) this forum for about 2 YEARS now. I began with SMTR just for the diamond **** value. Then, I started actually LEARNING (i.e., tutorials, Diamond Hangout and Rocky Talky). Anyway, I'm a romantic at heart and when I found LIW, I was hooked. I have followed all of your stories and am rooting for all of your to "find your grail"-- whatever it is -- (anybody see Spamalot?) and be happy.

Sooo. . .to stop hijacking this thread that I love so much: Did I have an epiphany in my marriage? YES! We had HARD TIMES between years 12 - 17. (YES, I mean ALL of those years were hard.) No physical abuse, chemical abuse, or infidelity. Just tough times. I CRAVE security. He just goes with the flow. The epiphany? As others have said, the happiness in my marriage is primarily up to me. I am the more adaptable one. This hit me like a ton of bricks several years ago. Also: (1) it's better to be happy than to be right (i.e. pick your hill to die on; don't fight every fight to the death to prove you're correct); (2) don't be a control freak (i.e. if he's helping around the house, don't re-do what he did); (3) don't "horribilize" (i.e., every time something goes wrong, don't believe this "ALWAYS" happens or he's "ALWAYS" like this); (4) don't "manage" his career -- it's HIS (I learned this when DH didn't want me to interview with a new law firm because I liked the people at my old firm so well. HELLOOO? I like them but I hate what I'm doing. Why is this YOUR business?); (5) don't release your stress by taking what's on your plate and putting it on his (I'm not saying don't TALK about what you're scared or concerned about; I'm saying don't talk about it OVER AND OVER. Men are smart. If you say it once, they "get" that it's on your mind).

After 20 years of marriage, those are my words of wisdom. Good luck, all. P.S. I think some of you (Mara and aldejay come to mind) already know many of these things even though I've been married oh, so very much longer.

(Edited to stay on topic.)

 

[Julian]

Wow, these are some of the most beautiful love stories I have ever read...because they''re real.

Kudos to all of you incredible women!!!!

 

[poptart]

We''ve only been married a few months now, but I had an AHA moment already. DH and I don''t really fight over anything, we just kind of discuss what needs to be discussed and adjust accordingly. The one thing that was really getting to both of us though, was his job, which is in the Navy. We both detest it... him even more than me, if possible! And it was causing a lot of tension in our marriage because we are kind of just "stuck" with no way out until his contract is up. I was starting to be resentful that he chose this job, although he did it so that we could actually start having a real life together. We started fighting a lot recently because there was a possible medical discharge, which only made everything MORE complicated with all the doctor''s appointments, tests, and false discharge dates... ick. But one day, after thinking about it and having a fight over all of this... I realized that instead of fighting and me holding grudges we should just STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. Because I can''t change it, he can''t change it, and we were only driving each other insane with the constant questions. I think someone mentioned exactly what I mean here when she said "don''t horrorbilize things", which is what I was doing to him as well as our situation. And although I''m still not happy about the current problem, the fighting is gone and we are working through it together instead of me just being angry because he couldn''t "fix" it. I''m sure many of you ladies have already had this AHA moment a long time ago, but that is my first since we''ve been married. Hopefully there will be more to come!

*M*

 

[Christa]

I haven''t had a chance to check back until now, and now I don''t have time to respond . . . but I love the insights that are coming out! Keep ''em comin''!

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/12/2006 2:01:38 PM
Author: Cehrabehra
our hump was from like 6-8 years. Right around our 6th anniversary to our 8th or so. I wanted to leave so bad, couldn''t figure out how I could stand him for another 40 years. Felt like I sacrificed too much, too much of myself, too much of what I wanted, too much of everything. I remember feeling like my love for him had stretched so thin that all that was left was this tiny thread, so fragile.... but you know? it never severed. And it rebuilt. Mostly because *I* realized that this was my one shot at ''happily ever after'' to share my grandkids with someone, to share a life I''d promised with someone, and that *I* didn''t have to sacrifice anything at all - that life is here for me to create, and it will ALWAYS be made more difficult by *sharing* a life and learning to (and accepting you must) compromise on way more than you ever dreamed you''d have to.

We still have our ups and downs.... sometimes I still think it''s more work than it should be, and other times I look back and think wow, we''ve really had it easy! Where you are at that *moment* plays such a heavy roll in your perspective of things.

Does anyone here watch that ''Till Death'' show? OMG I can relate to it so much - I am way more the old married lady but I remember being that annoying newlywed woman... hovering at the bathroom door, ''When are you going to be done? I miss you!'' bahahahahahaha

I can totally relate to that! It''s a great thing to remind yourself when you feel like the grass would be greener somewhere else. Particularly for those of us who married and had kids young and may feel at times like we missed out on something--there''s no do-over. This is the guy I''ve been with almost half my life (wow, is that possible?!) and is my kids'' dad. There''s no replacing that!

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/12/2006 4:03:17 PM
Author: hlmr
My AHA moment came a few years later, after many other major disappointments in our lives, when I realized that I rarely told him how I was truly feeling inside. I always kind of expected him to know what was going on with me. My mistake. I assumed that because I was in tune with his feelings, needs, expectations, that he would be in tune with mine. Wrong! I also realized as others have mentioned here, that men are generally very happy when their basic needs are being met, and therefore more able to think about what you might be needing from them.

Oh yeah--definitely. Men are not women! They do well when they are told what we need, but if we expect them to figure it out, we''ll be disappointed every time. Men, on the other hand, and pretty easy to figure out. They basically need respect/approval from us, and, ahem, "affection". Given those two things they''ll do about anything we want.

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/12/2006 6:28:02 PM
Author: TCBug
Christa''s EXCELLENT topic brought me out of lurkerdome! I''ve been lurking (well, ok, stalking) this forum for about 2 YEARS now. I began with SMTR just for the diamond **** value. Then, I started actually LEARNING (i.e., tutorials, Diamond Hangout and Rocky Talky). Anyway, I''m a romantic at heart and when I found LIW, I was hooked. I have followed all of your stories and am rooting for all of your to ''find your grail''-- whatever it is -- (anybody see Spamalot?) and be happy.

Sooo. . .to stop hijacking this thread that I love so much: Did I have an epiphany in my marriage? YES! We had HARD TIMES between years 12 - 17. (YES, I mean ALL of those years were hard.) No physical abuse, chemical abuse, or infidelity. Just tough times. I CRAVE security. He just goes with the flow. The epiphany? As others have said, the happiness in my marriage is primarily up to me. I am the more adaptable one. This hit me like a ton of bricks several years ago. Also: (1) it''s better to be happy than to be right (i.e. pick your hill to die on; don''t fight every fight to the death to prove you''re correct); (2) don''t be a control freak (i.e. if he''s helping around the house, don''t re-do what he did); (3) don''t ''horribilize'' (i.e., every time something goes wrong, don''t believe this ''ALWAYS'' happens or he''s ''ALWAYS'' like this); (4) don''t ''manage'' his career -- it''s HIS (I learned this when DH didn''t want me to interview with a new law firm because I liked the people at my old firm so well. HELLOOO? I like them but I hate what I''m doing. Why is this YOUR business?); (5) don''t release your stress by taking what''s on your plate and putting it on his (I''m not saying don''t TALK about what you''re scared or concerned about; I''m saying don''t talk about it OVER AND OVER. Men are smart. If you say it once, they ''get'' that it''s on your mind).

After 20 years of marriage, those are my words of wisdom. Good luck, all. P.S. I think some of you (Mara and aldejay come to mind) already know many of these things even though I''ve been married oh, so very much longer.

(Edited to stay on topic.)

Nice to meet you, TCBug! I love your words of wisdom--especially #1. That''s one I had to learn the hard way. Number 3, too--I used to be the Queen of Overreaction. Every time we had a disagreement I''d freak out and make it into a huge deal, but I''m learning to be more guy-like about it and let things go.

 

[Julian]

So true! You are truly lucky to have persisted and now like carbon under lots of pressure -- you have a diamond of a marriage.

One of my mentors is about 20 years my senior and she always likes to say... her AHA moment came too late.

She divorced the father of her 2 gorgeous kids because of all the problems. She wanted to start anew. Fast forward 10 years and she is with another man (just as normal as the last) but the problems remain.

She says, "The grass isn't greener. It's just different with different problems."

Because wherever you go, there you are... meaning problems arise in any situation with any human being. And a lot of the issues in our life come from within ourselves. You can change the scenery or the other person but there you are. It's just easy to blame the other person most of the time. But real happiness comes from within and being in the moment.

The key, she says, is how you deal with the problems and grow as a human being. She says so many people divorce again and again because they have not learned how to behave decently with another human being.

That's why I respect and admire beautiful things like a long marriage. It says a LOT about the two people.

A long marriage says:

1. These people have taken one of the greatest risks of all time - loving without fear of getting hurt
2. These people have learned selfless love, the rarest thing on Earth
3. These people have learned how to make THEMSELVES happy and have not cut and run when the other person didn't make them happy
4. These people know the meaning of hope and see things through the hard times, the dark times & the scary times
5. These people have dedicated their lives to someone else. They've discovered how to live for someone else: kids, family... in a truly lasting and rich way that will reward generations to come
6. These people have found what it means to share: good and bad
7. These people are sharing the greatest commitment two people can make in a lifetime

I could go on and on! It's just so inspiring to me. Diamonds don't magically appear. Like all amazing things, it takes years and lots of endurance and transformation. Hats off to you ladies! You are truly RICH and BLESSED.

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/12/2006 7:16:01 PM
Author: poptart
We''ve only been married a few months now, but I had an AHA moment already. DH and I don''t really fight over anything, we just kind of discuss what needs to be discussed and adjust accordingly. The one thing that was really getting to both of us though, was his job, which is in the Navy. We both detest it... him even more than me, if possible! And it was causing a lot of tension in our marriage because we are kind of just ''stuck'' with no way out until his contract is up. I was starting to be resentful that he chose this job, although he did it so that we could actually start having a real life together. We started fighting a lot recently because there was a possible medical discharge, which only made everything MORE complicated with all the doctor''s appointments, tests, and false discharge dates... ick. But one day, after thinking about it and having a fight over all of this... I realized that instead of fighting and me holding grudges we should just STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. Because I can''t change it, he can''t change it, and we were only driving each other insane with the constant questions. I think someone mentioned exactly what I mean here when she said ''don''t horrorbilize things'', which is what I was doing to him as well as our situation. And although I''m still not happy about the current problem, the fighting is gone and we are working through it together instead of me just being angry because he couldn''t ''fix'' it. I''m sure many of you ladies have already had this AHA moment a long time ago, but that is my first since we''ve been married. Hopefully there will be more to come!

*M*

Great one, Poptart! Having a "team" mentality is huge: in marriage we are a team, and the good of the team always has to come before what each individual player wants or prefers.

 

[mrssalvo]

well, i''ve only been married 6 years but one thing I''ve learned is to always be direct about my wants and needs and not expect him to catch on to indirect hints or sulking. my mom has been married to my step dad for 21 years. they are very happy but she always end up feeling hurt on her b-day or christmas b/c he didn''t get her something she wanted. I''ll ask her, well, did you tell him you wanted it? and she says, no, like he''s just supposed to figure it out. My mom is one of those people who are great at gift giving and remember something you wanted in june and it showing up at Christmas. She expects others to be the same and ends up hurt. He does some great things but like all men is not always right on. On my second married christmas my hubby bought me a bunch of household appliances he had heard me say over a few months that I needed/wanted them. so I got a new mixer, blender, food processer, can opener..you get the point. I was hoping for jewelry and got appliances. I learned to never mention a household need anywhere near a major holiday and he learned based on my reaction the day after to never buy me appliances for gift

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/13/2006 1:38:20 PM
Author: Julian
So true! You are truly lucky to have persisted and now like carbon under lots of pressure -- you have a diamond of a marriage.

One of my mentors is about 20 years my senior and she always likes to say... her AHA moment came too late.

She divorced the father of her 2 gorgeous kids because of all the problems. She wanted to start anew. Fast forward 10 years and she is with another man (just as normal as the last) but the problems remain.

She says, ''The grass isn''t greener. It''s just different with different problems.''

Because wherever you go, there you are... meaning problems arise in any situation with any human being. And a lot of the issues in our life come from within ourselves. It''s just easy to blame the other person most of the time. But real happiness comes from within and being in the moment.

The key, she says, is how you deal with the problems and grow as a human being. She says so many people divorce again and again because they have not learned how to behave decently with another human being.

That''s why I respect and admire beautiful things like a long marriage. It says a LOT about the two people.

A long marriage says:

1. These people have taken one of the greatest risks of all time - loving without fear of getting hurt
2. These people have learned selfless love, the rarest thing on Earth
3. These people have learned how to make THEMSELVES happy and have not cut and run when the other person didn''t make them happy
4. These people know the meaning of hope and see things through the hard times, the dark times & the scary times
5. These people have dedicated their lives to someone else. They''ve discovered how to live for someone else: kids, family... in a truly lasting and rich way that will reward generations to come
6. These people have found what it means to share: good and bad
7. These people are sharing the greatest commitment two people can make in a lifetime

I could go on and on! It''s just so inspiring to me. Diamonds don''t magically appear. Like all amazing things, it takes years and lots of endurance and transformation. Hats off to you ladies!

I''ve discovered that the best way to make myself happy in my marriage is to look for ways to make my husband happy . . . not saying I follow through on that perfectly all the time, but it definitely works when I do!

 

[Julian]

Well, that works even better!

I don't mean to make oneself happy in a selfish way... But rather, in a way that enables you to make others happy.

It's hard for people sometimes to love others if they don't really love/like themselves. Ya know?

Love others as yourself. You're right. That's the best form of love! But I think the start is accepting and loving yourself for who you are. That only comes with time and experience. When you're young it's harder! I've definitely mellowed out as I get older.

 

[Christa]

You''re right, of course, Julian! Since so much of this comes down to maturity, I''m not sure how to explain so many of us "lifers" getting married so young . . . any theories?

 

[poptart]

Date: 11/13/2006 2:15:45 PM
Author: Christa
You''re right, of course, Julian! Since so much of this comes down to maturity, I''m not sure how to explain so many of us ''lifers'' getting married so young . . . any theories?

I think it''s because maturity has to do with how you were raised and your view on life, not what age you are. I swear, when I was about fifteen I had the outlook of a twenty year old. I''ve just always been ahead in that way. I think there are also different "types" of maturity. I''m sort of all around more mature, but my husband was VERY emotionally mature... which came from a lot of hardships when he was younger. Age really isn''t a factor to me when two people gets married. It''s the level of maturity that helps them get through the hards times.

*M*

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/13/2006 2:15:45 PM
Author: Christa
I''m not sure how to explain so many of us ''lifers'' getting married so young . . . any theories?

I have a guess!

My guess is that *in general* people who get married young are agreeable, attractive, optomistic souls ... popular even ... who get along well with a variety of people & found love/relationships came naturally to them.

Us *got married in our late thirties sorts* are - heh - more difficult??

More neurotic, more "head"-driven, less "heart"-driven ... with relationships coming *less* naturally. We might be more mature when we finally DO wed ... but we might have been *late bloomers* when it came to maturity or love or relationships. Different personality types perhaps?

Fingers crossed I''ve matured enough to one day be an "old married" ... though nothing will change the fact I''ll be "older married" at that point than most of you!