Another question for the old-marrieds

[canuk-gal]

Date: 11/12/2006 2:18:47 PM
Author: fire&ice
There exists some truth to the ''7 year itch''. Recognize it & realize that usually it just means that your relationship is moving to a higher plane. Enjoy the ride.

HI:

Sure, this happened to me. It was just around this time (8 years I think) that I was feeling very bored/restless in my marriage and felt it was time to either move on alone or do something else that would signal a major change of direction. I began to think seriously about starting a family, something I hadn''t really thought of before. And we did. Best thing to "happen to us" in our married lives.

That said, I still consider my marriage a work in progress. Everyday. And I take nothing for granted, except that my DH will improperly load the DW. heh heh

P.S. What age is considered "young" for marriage? I was 25 and my DH 31 when we wed........

cheers--Sharon

 

[Cehrabehra]

I was 19 and he was 21 when we married... and just barely as our birthdays are in may and we married in june!

 

[poptart]

We are both 20... almost 21. Eek! Haha.

*M*

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/13/2006 2:25:39 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/13/2006 2:15:45 PM
Author: Christa
I'm not sure how to explain so many of us 'lifers' getting married so young . . . any theories?

I have a guess!

My guess is that *in general* people who get married young are agreeable, attractive, optomistic souls ... popular even ... who get along well with a variety of people & found love/relationships came naturally to them.

Us *got married in our late thirties sorts* are - heh - more difficult??

More neurotic, more 'head'-driven, less 'heart'-driven ... with relationships coming *less* naturally. We might be more mature when we finally DO wed ... but we might have been *late bloomers* when it came to maturity or love or relationships. Different personality types perhaps?

Fingers crossed I've matured enough to one day be an 'old married' ... though nothing will change the fact I'll be 'older married' at that point than most of you!

Maybe . . . I also wonder if people who get married young tend, in general, to be "traditional" types (that would fit me) who are more likely to have strong beliefs about marriage and divorce.

Canuk-gal, we were 19 and 23 when we got married

, and several others who have chimed in were in their early twenties . . . I had two kids by the time I was 25, so I wouldn't necessarily consider that young for marriage!

ETA: I see that a few others chimed in on "how young is young" while I was still composing my post.

 

[rainwood]

We''ve been married 28 years and dated/lived together for 4 years before that. And I''d classify myself as a non-traditional type who married at 24 after intending never to marry (it was the 70''s, there were lots of us then). My epiphanies were:

1. Until about year 4 or 5, we''d be having a bad time (nothing major) and I''d think "This isn''t making me happy. I want a divorce." Then one day, instead of having that reaction, I thought to myself, "No, I''m in it for the long haul." And that changed my thinking completely. That doesn''t mean we don''t still have our moments (see Epiphany No. 2), but I know I''m not going anywhere.

2. Marriage has its peaks and valleys. Most of the time, we don''t know we''re in a valley until we''ve been there a day or two and there isn''t anything we can point to as the cause. We just find each other annoying and griping about little stuff. Then just as mysteriously, we''re out of the valley. Other times, we''re just so darn happy with each other. Those are the peaks. Again, not a specific cause and effect. At the beginning, each valley seems devastating - this is it! we''re through! - and later we just recognized them for what they were. Temporary periods of annoyance. And we can kid about being in a valley because we know we''ll come out the other side again.

3. When I''m complaining about some situation and he''s offering suggestions, I now tell him, "I''m not looking for solutions. I just want to vent." It makes everything so much easier. Men want to fix things; they will keep trying to do so until you tell them that''s not what you''re looking for. It took me 20 years to figure that one out.

 

[Lorelei]

We have been married for over 18 years now, I think above all what has worked so well for us is that we are such good friends. You settle into a comfort zone once the honeymoon phase wears off and need that bridge of true friendship where you can meet and continue to do so. We genuinely enjoy spending time with each other, he makes me cry with laughter with some of the crazy things he comes out with, we really do have a good time together. Also it has taken me a while to realize his thought processes are different to mine. If I want something or to do something, hinting goes straight over his head, if I ask directly it is fine...

 

[Cehrabehra]

I think the part about getting married young has to do with compromise.

My best friend is now 36, PhD, has her own flat in a high rise in SF... she''s not willing to compromise on anything and these great guys keep not measuring up. If she''s ever in a situation where she gets married, she might find leaving the marriage is favorable to the AMOUNT of compromise that she must endure.

I''ve pretty much come to the conclusion that as long as you''re not dealing with a completely lazy bum of a guy or a completely abusive ass, you can pretty much work with what you''ve got - whomever it is - if you are willing to compromise and you have the tenacity to hang in there. Those of us who married young and didn''t divorce right away (cause there were a lot of those too) have learned the art of both.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m a newlywed at 29, but my parents have been married for 30+ years and said "I do" when they were 18 (mom) and 21 (dad). They are both very traditional and while they may have faced some difficult times, they were always in it together, so to speak. They presented a united front to my sister and I as parents, which I think is vital. And they have always been best friends, even when they get on one another''s nerves.

 

[Mara]

julian that is SO TRUE about different person, same OR different problems. there will always be issues with someone. it just depends on how the people inside the relationship handle it. many people just decide to cut and run when things become tough or not quite as easy as before, not realizing that if you can make it through those tough times, you probably have a cherry time waiting for you just over that hill. for me, i got married later because i wanted to be more mature mentally to know what i *really* wanted, and not just a potentially good life with a nice person. i only wanted to get married once so i was willing to wait for it. obviously no one knows where life will take you or what it will throw at you but having a 'perserverence' mind-frame (aka read STUBBORN...hehee) can help tons when things get tough.

 

[cdt1101]

Cehrabehra - I think you just brought up an interesting point RE: Compromise. While I''m certainly not married (in fact I''m not even in a serious relationship...previous LIW, relationship ended), I have been dating quite a bit lately. I recently was dating a 36 year-old guy. He was great, had a lot going for him, and we had a blast everytime we hung out. But the more we got to know each other, I realized (and he admitted) that he was just so ''set'' in his ways. Having to make time for someone and all the things that go into building a relationship just seem like too much ''work'' for him. He admits he doesn''t want to be ''the lonely old guy'', but doesn''t see how he''s going to take all the steps that may be required to start a relationship (forget about maintaining one....he''s lost!). And whether or not he even WANTS to change is a question he asks himself. These are all things that he said, and it''s made me think that perhaps that is why divorce is so much more common now. A lot of people wait to get married until they''re older, and by then I think you have a very clear idea of how you want things to be, making it difficult to compromise on things.

Needless to say, dating now can be a real pain in the a**

 

[Eva17]

Christa, great post idea.


Well, first I have to say, I once heard an old married couple (in thier 90''s) say, "Our marriage lasted all these years because we never fell out of love with each other at the same time". SOOOOO TRUUUUUUUUUEEEEEE!

I was married young, 23 and had three children before 30. There are always peaks and valleys, but during those times when I felt I couldn''t stand another moment, he obviously wasn''t feeling the same way. If he had, we may have both trown in the towel. Looking back, these feeling come when our needs aren''t being met. My ahaa moment, was realizing that he is not here to meet ALL my needs, and no human is even capable of that. Like someone else here said, I don''t always know what my needs are. There are so many things about DH personality that I love, even though we are opposites in many ways. (we are both traditional with strong family values) Neither of us had great role models, but both felt the desire to make life differnt for our children.

He is free to not meet my needs all the time. That is what girlfriends, sisters, moms, clergy, work is for. It frees up the spirit to just love and enjoy each other. Laugh laugh laugh. And definately date night. We had date night for all these years and it works. Some weeks we don''t get much communication in and we just pass and nod to each other to let the other know all is well. But come date night, we chatch up and enjoy!

Oh, and once the kids come, you must be a united front. That is one thing we agreed not to fight about. Never let the kids see that thay have a divided force. LOLOL... When they play us, we both say, what did mom/dad say? They hate that!!

I have been married 20 years, together 27. So I was very young. And I wouldn''t change a thing.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/13/2006 2:50:20 PM
Author: Christa

Maybe . . . I also wonder if people who get married young tend, in general, to be ''traditional'' types (that would fit me) who are more likely to have strong beliefs about marriage and divorce.

I dunno - I didn''t marry until I was a month shy of 39, and I consider myself to be very traditional and have very strong beliefs about marriage and divorce. In fact, I''m pretty sure that''s WHY I waited so long to marry!

My folks married when they were 20/21......so the role model for me was marrying young. However, I also saw something uniquely special in my folks....the way they solved problems together, the way they fought in rocky times, and the way they loved at all times.......tough or smooth. What I learned from their example: communication and respect is key; supporting each other and acting as a TEAM; and a never-say-die mentality about marriage.

I wanted those qualities, and I refused to settle for anything less. When I finally met the man I believed had all of those qualities, I married him. My parents (who exemplified everything that I wanted and held dear) celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary five days before my wedding.

Hubby and I exchanged traditional vows, and we also each wrote personal ones. He said many sweet things, but I recall only one thing clearly: "I promise to stay with you."

I''m stubborn, so quitting isn''t an option. He feels the same. That means we need to be creative and energetic in finding common ground and compromising. Most of the time, we ARE on common ground.....but when we aren''t? Well, if we can''t find common ground, then our job is to BUILD IT.

He is worth every last ounce of effort I have.

The nice thing is, most times, it doesn''t take much effort. He''s pretty easy-going, and he has a good grasp on what''s important and what''s not worth sniping about. I''m a lucky woman.

 

[poptart]

I am inclined to agree with cdt1101 about lack of compromise as we get older. Even at our age, my DH and I are extremely set in our ways, but if you added maybe ten years to each of us and still being single, I can almost guarantee I wouldn''t be able to compromise with anybody, and neither would he. Being so young, we don''t have AS many things that we are adamant about and I think that helps. Not that I am saying everyone should marry young, but the serious committment as well as the ability to be relaxed about our habits is working really well.

*M*

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/14/2006 2:16:47 AM
Author: rainwood

2. Marriage has its peaks and valleys. Most of the time, we don''t know we''re in a valley until we''ve been there a day or two and there isn''t anything we can point to as the cause. We just find each other annoying and griping about little stuff. Then just as mysteriously, we''re out of the valley. Other times, we''re just so darn happy with each other. Those are the peaks. Again, not a specific cause and effect. At the beginning, each valley seems devastating - this is it! we''re through! - and later we just recognized them for what they were. Temporary periods of annoyance. And we can kid about being in a valley because we know we''ll come out the other side again.

Exactly! This has been the biggest revelation to me so far. Relationships have a rhythm.....an ebb and flow.

I''ve said this before on here......there are days when we are so blissfully in sync that it''s nirvana. Birds chirping, flowers blooming, children singing......you know, the works.

There are other days when we are so out of sync that even "good morning" doesn''t come out right and nothing we say to each other feels right. There is just no harmony to be found.

I''m finding over time that the highs and lows are stabilizing out a bit -- tend to be less dramatic. We''re also getting quicker to recognize the "low" spots, and quicker to use humor to shrug them off. And sometimes, when nothing works, to just grit our teeth and ride it out.

Fortunately, the valleys are less frequent and shorter in duration as time goes by.

 

[diamondfan]

Sometimes when I am frustrated I think of a saying that makes it all clear...

Just because the grass is greener on the other side does not make it easier to mow.

Says a lot.

I also think it helps not to hold a grudge, which I have been known to do when I am really hurt or mad. My hubby lets things go easier, so we complement one another in that way or I would still be mad about something stupid from 4 years ago!!!

 

[Kaleigh]

Our communication has improved a lot over the years. He knows when I am feeling strongly about something and respects it, and vice versa. One other thing that was mentioned before and I foget by who, is that we are always a united front regarding our kids. Yeah it drives them nuts, but has saved a lot of fighting between us. Now they don''t bother asking the other parent, cause they know they are going to hear the same thing. I can''t tell you how important that is. No one has to be the good cop or the bad cop, you''re both on the same force so to speak!!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/14/2006 10:46:21 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
I think the part about getting married young has to do with compromise.

My best friend is now 36, PhD, has her own flat in a high rise in SF... she's not willing to compromise on anything and these great guys keep not measuring up. If she's ever in a situation where she gets married, she might find leaving the marriage is favorable to the AMOUNT of compromise that she must endure.

I can't say I agree with this.

Compromising one's standards in selecting a life partner isn't the same as compromising within a marriage. Compromising one's standards isn't the art of negotiation; it's SETTLING. Settling for less than what you NEED to make you happy.

There is value in knowing yourself well enough to say "these are the things I NEED, and they are non-negotiable".

If you're a square peg, there's value in recognizing right off the bat that trying to fit into a round hole will just be an exercise in frustration and ultimately a failed result. Some would say "well, compromise - try to be a round peg." But you can't be what you're not, and I believe it's smarter to accept that right up front. So, better to focus on finding the square hole (which exists) than trying to become the round peg just because the only holes around at this moment appear to be round.

I was one who refused to compromise on what I thought would make me happy. That doesn't mean I'm incapable or unwilling to compromise/give-and-take with my husband......it means I wasn't willing to compromise on what I believed I NEEDED from a relationship. In daily life, we compromise things all the time. If I like something and he doesn't, or vice versa, we keep looking for an alternate that we can both like. If that's not possible, then we find a way to arrive at a choice. Over time, sometimes the choice is for my way, and sometimes it's for his way. Most often, it means another solution that we BOTH like.

I'm heartened to hear about your friend who is 36....because she has enough strength to say "nope, not for me" even though others may feel she's unreasonable. Kudos to her for knowing that settling isn't winning. If I'd have compromised my standards, I'd likely have missed out on my husband......and there's every likelihood that compromising what I needed would have resulted in a failed relationship anyway.

I'd suggest that divorce is just as often the result of people who compromised too much of their standards thinking it would all end up ok.

 

[diamondfan]

Aldj, that is an interesting distinction. Compromise implies to me more of a fluidity in certain daily things that one must approach in a marriage or any serious relationship. That said, knowing that you have certain immutable and vital credos or beliefs and that marrying someone who is not in sync with that is bound to be prolematic is important. My cousin married someone who wanted to move to Nashville and be a country singer. He knew she never wanted to leave So. Cal, so he neglected to mention this. It became a huge problem and he left for Nashville without her. Of course there were other problems, but they were more minor in the scheme of things. This was a deal breaker.

Marriage is a living breathing entity to me. Good days and bad, ups and downs, it still exists. It takes work. And no one should stay and be abused in any way, or mistreated, but knowing you love this person and are in low ebb and it will improve is very critical.

 

[aljdewey]

DF, yes, compromise means different things.

The post I quoted suggested that the 36-y/o friend was unwilling to compromise because "no one measured up", and the suggestion that her unwillingness to compromise (adhering to her standards) on the selection of a mate would somehow imply she would then struggle with compromise (fluidity/negotiating differences) in a marriage.

I don't agree, because one is a standards issue, and the other is a daily fluidity issue, as you say.

While you were replying, I was already amending my post to clarify between those types of compromise.

 

[diamondfan]

I was just complimenting your clarification via the example of her friend because it makes things a bit more clear. The semantics sometimes get tough and I think sometimes people confuse the two.

I have a girlfriend who is over 40 and wants to be married but NO guy ever meets her standards. She gets bent out of shape over some things that seem silly and that could be dealt with in a normal situation, but she almost wants to find extreme fault so once again she can act as if there are not great men out there for her.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:15:51 AM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 11/14/2006 10:46:21 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
I think the part about getting married young has to do with compromise.

My best friend is now 36, PhD, has her own flat in a high rise in SF... she''s not willing to compromise on anything and these great guys keep not measuring up. If she''s ever in a situation where she gets married, she might find leaving the marriage is favorable to the AMOUNT of compromise that she must endure.

I can''t say I agree with this.

Compromising one''s standards in selecting a life partner isn''t the same as compromising within a marriage. Compromising one''s standards isn''t the art of negotiation; it''s SETTLING. Settling for less than what you NEED to make you happy.

There is value in knowing yourself well enough to say ''these are the things I NEED, and they are non-negotiable''.

If you''re a square peg, there''s value in recognizing right off the bat that trying to fit into a round hole will just be an exercise in frustration and ultimately a failed result. Some would say ''well, compromise - try to be a round peg.'' But you can''t be what you''re not, and I believe it''s smarter to accept that right up front. So, better to focus on finding the square hole (which exists) than trying to become the round peg just because the only holes around at this moment appear to be round.

I was one who refused to compromise on what I thought would make me happy. That doesn''t mean I''m incapable or unwilling to compromise/give-and-take with my husband......it means I wasn''t willing to compromise on what I believed I NEEDED from a relationship. In daily life, we compromise things all the time. If I like something and he doesn''t, or vice versa, we keep looking for an alternate that we can both like. If that''s not possible, then we find a way to arrive at a choice. Over time, sometimes the choice is for my way, and sometimes it''s for his way. Most often, it means another solution that we BOTH like.

I''m heartened to hear about your friend who is 36....because she has enough strength to say ''nope, not for me'' even though others may feel she''s unreasonable. Kudos to her for knowing that settling isn''t winning. If I''d have compromised my standards, I''d likely have missed out on my husband......and there''s every likelihood that compromising what I needed would have resulted in a failed relationship anyway.

I''d suggest that divorce is just as often the result of people who compromised too much of their standards thinking it would all end up ok.

well there''s obviously a lot of detail in there I''ve left out.... I have known her since we were freshmen in high school and she''s a psychologist now.... so she definitely knows herself and I know her... and yes she knows her non-negotiables, and if she never finds someone who meets her needs or is worth "settling" on/for/with, then I''m sure she''ll be a perfectly happy single woman the rest of her life and that''s fine by me!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:25:52 AM
Author: aljdewey
DF, yes, compromise means different things.

The post I quoted suggested that the 36-y/o friend was unwilling to compromise because ''no one measured up'', and the suggestion that her unwillingness to compromise (adhering to her standards) on the selection of a mate would somehow imply she would then struggle with compromise (fluidity/negotiating differences) in a marriage.

I don''t agree, because one is a standards issue, and the other is a daily fluidity issue, as you say.

While you were replying, I was already amending my post to clarify between those types of compromise.

actually it is the daily fluidity issue that mostly bungles her because she is admittedly a bit of a control freak and wants to orchistrate everything in her life. I have the same desire, but alas, my husband thwarts me!!!

even still, don''t be quick to judge her or me or either of our situations, her relationships or our friendship based on a paragraph on a message board! Like most things it is far more complex than that!

 

[diamondfan]

Cehra, I was just making a general point that is a subtle difference between standards with or without which you cannot live, and the ability to be in the daily give and take of a relationship. If someone is more accustomed to having control over most things and knows this is a huge sticking point for her, then it seems she has a good sense of herself and her needs and is not going to chose casually. It just seems sometimes people have a vision or view of what being married is like or what it means and when they get into it, it is not what they planned. Does not mean it is not okay but sometimes a revising of expectations etc helps. I would not presume to judge someone from a small paragraph here, and think anyone who has a lot of self awareness on these topics is likely saving a lot of grief!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:35:28 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 11/15/2006 1:15:51 AM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 11/14/2006 10:46:21 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
My best friend is now 36, PhD, has her own flat in a high rise in SF... she''s not willing to compromise on anything and these great guys keep not measuring up.

Compromising one''s standards in selecting a life partner isn''t the same as compromising within a marriage. Compromising one''s standards isn''t the art of negotiation; it''s SETTLING. I''d suggest that divorce is just as often the result of people who compromised too much of their standards thinking it would all end up ok.

well there''s obviously a lot of detail in there I''ve left out.... and if she never finds someone who meets her needs or is worth ''settling'' on/for/with, then I''m sure she''ll be a perfectly happy single woman the rest of her life and that''s fine by me!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If you''re implying what I *think* you are ... YES ... I know a lot of *those* too.

For some of my single Manhattan friends ... "SETTLING" means choosing someone who is not

* Ivy educated
* Doctor -or- Lawyer -or- Dentist -or- Architect
* earning at least $250K a year
* currently the owner of a 2 bedroom apartment in a fashionable neighborhood

They could cheat, beat or otherwise be PSYCHOTIC JERK-O-LAS .. but if they meet those critera ... they''ll start ring-shopping anyway.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:43:24 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/15/2006 1:35:28 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 11/15/2006 1:15:51 AM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 11/14/2006 10:46:21 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
My best friend is now 36, PhD, has her own flat in a high rise in SF... she''s not willing to compromise on anything and these great guys keep not measuring up.

Compromising one''s standards in selecting a life partner isn''t the same as compromising within a marriage. Compromising one''s standards isn''t the art of negotiation; it''s SETTLING. I''d suggest that divorce is just as often the result of people who compromised too much of their standards thinking it would all end up ok.

well there''s obviously a lot of detail in there I''ve left out.... and if she never finds someone who meets her needs or is worth ''settling'' on/for/with, then I''m sure she''ll be a perfectly happy single woman the rest of her life and that''s fine by me!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If you''re implying what I *think* you are ... YES ... I know a lot of *those* too.

For some of my single Manhattan friends ... ''SETTLING'' means choosing someone who is not

* Ivy educated
* Doctor -or- Lawyer -or- Dentist -or- Architect
* earning at least $250K a year
* currently the owner of a 2 bedroom apartment in a fashionable neighborhood

They could cheat, beat or otherwise be PSYCHOTIC JERK-O-LAS .. but if they meet those critera ... they''ll start ring-shopping anyway.

omg I''m TOTALLY curious what you thought I was implying because I''ll probably LMAO!! Honestly I was being entirely sincere and not implying anything! She really feels ready to marry and have kds but she''s well grounded and realizes that it might not happen and she''s okay with that too. I''ve seen her end it with guys over things that were IMO trivial, but then so did I. I broke up with a guy because he put ketchup all over his breakfast plate (in a big swirl) - doesn''t get more trivial than that! and ironically you should see what my husband does to his food! To me the diff is that I was 19/20 when I was breaking up with guys over the shape of their toes or that they had back hair... if I was 36 and ready to have kids and get married I''m not sure I''d still be using those criteria!! Sometimes though the trivial excuses are just reasons we can articulate for a gut feeling or lack of chemistry that we can''t put our fingers on....

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:55:23 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

omg I''m TOTALLY curious what you thought I was implying because I''ll probably LMAO!! Honestly I was being entirely sincere and not implying anything! She really feels ready to marry and have kds but she''s well grounded and realizes that it might not happen and she''s okay with that too. I''ve seen her end it with guys over things that were IMO trivial, but then so did I. I broke up with a guy because he put ketchup all over his breakfast plate (in a big swirl) - doesn''t get more trivial than that! and ironically you should see what my husband does to his food! To me the diff is that I was 19/20 when I was breaking up with guys over the shape of their toes or that they had back hair... if I was 36 and ready to have kids and get married I''m not sure I''d still be using those criteria!! Sometimes though the trivial excuses are just reasons we can articulate for a gut feeling or lack of chemistry that we can''t put our fingers on....

There''s high standards, and then there''s unreasonable standards. Sounds like you think your friend in in the latter category.

 

[Christa]

Date: 11/14/2006 10:46:21 AM
Author: Cehrabehra
I think the part about getting married young has to do with compromise.

My best friend is now 36, PhD, has her own flat in a high rise in SF... she''s not willing to compromise on anything and these great guys keep not measuring up. If she''s ever in a situation where she gets married, she might find leaving the marriage is favorable to the AMOUNT of compromise that she must endure.

I''ve pretty much come to the conclusion that as long as you''re not dealing with a completely lazy bum of a guy or a completely abusive ass, you can pretty much work with what you''ve got - whomever it is - if you are willing to compromise and you have the tenacity to hang in there. Those of us who married young and didn''t divorce right away (cause there were a lot of those too) have learned the art of both.

I *completely* agree with this one. Yes, there are guys who just need to be unloaded (they appear in the LIW forum from time to time), but most of us are married to regular, basic guys, and those are pretty easy to manipulate--I mean work with.

 

[Girlrocks]

My hubby and I had our first AHA moment happen when our twins were born. They were premature, in the NICU for 2 weeks, came home for 2 days and then back in the hospital for 2 more weeks. That was the hardest time of our lives. Watching your kids in pain and knowing that the possiblity is there for them to die...you realize not to sweat the small stuff anymore.

Fast forward to just last year. I was diagnosed with a tumor the size of an orange in my chest. For 3 months, we didn''t know if it was cancer or not, but odds were that it was. Several biopsied failed to determine what it was. Thankfully, it was benign and I had it removed and am fine now. But my hubby and I haven''t been the same since...to our kids, each other, or in any other matter of our lives. We had 3 kids under the age of 5 at the time. My hubby was worse than me. I couldn''t imagine leaving my kids so young, and he couldn''t imagine what he was going to do if that happened. Again, we realized to enjoy everyday and not sweat the small stuff. Stop to smell the roses. Enjoy each other.

 

[dmbfan]

*completely* agree with this one. Yes, there are guys who just need to be unloaded (they appear in the LIW forum from time to time), but most of us are married to regular, basic guys, and those are pretty easy to manipulate--I mean work with.

ok...those are fighting words now

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/15/2006 1:38:44 AM
Author: Cehrabehra

Date: 11/15/2006 1:25:52 AM
Author: aljdewey
DF, yes, compromise means different things.

The post I quoted suggested that the 36-y/o friend was unwilling to compromise because ''no one measured up'', and the suggestion that her unwillingness to compromise (adhering to her standards) on the selection of a mate would somehow imply she would then struggle with compromise (fluidity/negotiating differences) in a marriage.

I don''t agree, because one is a standards issue, and the other is a daily fluidity issue, as you say.

While you were replying, I was already amending my post to clarify between those types of compromise.

actually it is the daily fluidity issue that mostly bungles her because she is admittedly a bit of a control freak and wants to orchistrate everything in her life. I have the same desire, but alas, my husband thwarts me!!!

even still, don''t be quick to judge her or me or either of our situations, her relationships or our friendship based on a paragraph on a message board! Like most things it is far more complex than that!

HUH? Who''s judging? Wasn''t me!

I was arguing in favor of NOT judging......as in "don''t think her foolish or obsessively picky just because she knows what she wants". How is that judging?