Another question for the old-marrieds

[ladykemma]

this is going to sound really stupid but one of the issues we went through, among many, was clothes.

i came from a dysfunctional home where my mom bought step dad's clothes. so guess what i thought was nomall? so... i started buying him clothes, which pushed every button i could push: not good enough, trying to change me, mommy buttons, perceived control issues on my part.

since 1995, I am NOT allowed to even "think" of buying him a sock. he buys his own clothes thank you very much...

 

[poptart]

Date: 11/15/2006 9:30:20 PM
Author: ladykemma
this is going to sound really stupid but one of the issues we went through, among many, was clothes.

i came from a dysfunctional home where my mom bought step dad''s clothes. so guess what i thought was nomall? so... i started buying him clothes, which pushed every button i could push: not good enough, trying to change me, mommy buttons, perceived control issues on my part.

since 1995, I am NOT allowed to even ''think'' of buying him a sock. he buys his own clothes thank you very much...

You''re right, that is a new one! Luckily DH loves the clothes I buy him since I am the only one who will introduce some COLOR into his wardrobe (black, black, oooor black!). We argue over the cleanliness of the house. Apparently I leave "clutter". The audacity!

*M*

 

[galeteia]

Date: 11/15/2006 9:30:20 PM
Author: ladykemma
this is going to sound really stupid but one of the issues we went through, among many, was clothes.


i came from a dysfunctional home where my mom bought step dad''s clothes. so guess what i thought was nomall? so... i started buying him clothes, which pushed every button i could push: not good enough, trying to change me, mommy buttons, perceived control issues on my part.


since 1995, I am NOT allowed to even ''think'' of buying him a sock. he buys his own clothes thank you very much...

*ding!*

Oh gawd, Noooooo!

*glares balefully at the lightbulb floating above head-height*

Great. Just great. Not the epiphany I was hoping for. This means I''m going to have to suffer his dreadful clothes in silence. No sneaking things in and out of his closet. He doesn''t have the ''trying to change me button'' when it comes to clothes, but the ''mommy button'' in all it''s implications? Oh yeah. Right there in neon lights. The big ol'' red button that says "Warning: Do not attempt to dress/criticize this man''s clothing". Thanks to my FMIL, the ''clothes'' issue is a minefield.

He did warn me off here and there, particularly in relation to his grey t-shirts circa high school. My mother hinted that his mother probably tried to dress him as a show of the control she had over him, and hence he used clothing as a way to resist and defend his independence.

I just didn''t realize it may never go away.

I always figured that I could just take him shopping here and there, working within his style/colour preferences, and then just gradually weed out the abominations in his closet, replacing them with things in his own preferred style.

Not even socks, LK? Not even socks?!

 

[ladykemma]

yeah we/he actually spent money with a therapist hashing out this issue.....and he did some personal work on why he didn't care/notice about his appearance. now when his mental health issues act up, appearance is the first warning sign for me.

both of us were abused around various issues including hair, clothes, housekeeping, possessions, apprearance, constant critcism, shoes with holes in them, control....

the way the therapist explained it to me, while I was just tryng to be nice, was HIS clothes are not MY worry. stay on my own floor tile, mind my mouth, and sit on my hands.

so his mom did a number on hm too?

 

[justjulia]

My husband grew up in a family of 10 siblings and a military officer father. Always moving, always rationing, always noise in the house. I grew up in a quiet family with a mother with schizophrenia (that''s another story). He does things like turn his back to me when he puts sugar in his coffee--for years it was a well kept secret how much he used--and it is a lot! (Talk about control!) He loves to eat a whole popsicle. (Which I think is precious.) Also, he does crosswords in the bathroom--relishes his privacy. He''s a hopeless slob, but will wear what I buy him-as long as it is comfortable.

Sometimes we clash because of control issues. I think it has to do with birth order. He was #3 of 10 (one of oldest) and I was #1 of 3.

 

[Dee*Jay]

This wasn''t exactly an "epiphany" as Christa put it at the beginning of this thread, but I did have an "a ha!" moment yesterday with the happy hubby. Let me set the stage by saying that I am a Control Freak. Capital C, Capital F. So when I ask him to do something he has learned to follow my instructions TO THE T to avoid later misery.

Yesterday I asked him to pick up some more Christmas wrapping paper at Costco. He called me from the store and told me there were four different four packs and started to describe them to me in details. In one there was dark green paper with gold snowflakes (shiny gold, not matte gold), red paper with shiny silver stars, striped paper with...

You get the picture.

"You pick," I said. Stunned silence on the other end of the phone. "Just pick the pack that you like the best," I went on.

"REALLY?" he said, "Maybe I should get all four and you can decide which one(s) you like the best and I can return the others."

Return packages of Christmas paper?

"Nope. You decide. I''m sure whatever ones you like will be fine." And they were. And I will never know which ones he didn''t pick. And I don''t care. The gifts will all be wrapped. No one but me will ever know that I made a effort to make sure the patterns lined up perfectly and each corner was sharply creased at the perfect angle and no one gets more than one gift wrapped in the same paper. But seriously, IT''S WRAPPING PAPER. I let go.

I''m sure this sounds wacky and neurotic to all you normal people out there but I saved my happy hubby quite a bit of misery (both in continuing to describe each roll of paper to me one by one [can you imagine what the people around him in Costco must has been thinking as they overhead him on the phone?] and/or in taking back whatever I didn''t want). Plus, HE GOT TO PICK--and I didn''t bitch about WHAT he picked later (a key element in this whole thing, LOL!). So maybe I''m learning. It took me 10 Christmases to get to this point, but from now on he can choose the paper.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 11/15/2006 9:55:27 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 11/15/2006 9:30:20 PM
Author: ladykemma
this is going to sound really stupid but one of the issues we went through, among many, was clothes.


i came from a dysfunctional home where my mom bought step dad's clothes. so guess what i thought was nomall? so... i started buying him clothes, which pushed every button i could push: not good enough, trying to change me, mommy buttons, perceived control issues on my part.


since 1995, I am NOT allowed to even 'think' of buying him a sock. he buys his own clothes thank you very much...

*ding!*

Oh gawd, Noooooo!

*glares balefully at the lightbulb floating above head-height*

Great. Just great. Not the epiphany I was hoping for. This means I'm going to have to suffer his dreadful clothes in silence. No sneaking things in and out of his closet. He doesn't have the 'trying to change me button' when it comes to clothes, but the 'mommy button' in all it's implications? Oh yeah. Right there in neon lights. The big ol' red button that says 'Warning: Do not attempt to dress/criticize this man's clothing'. Thanks to my FMIL, the 'clothes' issue is a minefield.

He did warn me off here and there, particularly in relation to his grey t-shirts circa high school. My mother hinted that his mother probably tried to dress him as a show of the control she had over him, and hence he used clothing as a way to resist and defend his independence.

I just didn't realize it may never go away.

I always figured that I could just take him shopping here and there, working within his style/colour preferences, and then just gradually weed out the abominations in his closet, replacing them with things in his own preferred style.

Not even socks, LK? Not even socks?!

This is one of the pre-marital agreements hubby and I made, Gal and lady. And my mom has always picked out my dad's clothes, because my dad couldn't care less. DH's statement was something along the lines of: I am always clean and presentable and so there is no reason for you to help me. I said "okie doke" and that was the end of that.

Now when he goes to purchase something for an occasion that calls for dressing up (a play, a nice dinner, etc.) I am usually with him and he asks my opinion, so he'll pick 3 shirts he likes try them on and as me which I like and I get to chose. But beyond that, I never say a word even if I don't think his socks match his belt when it's time to walk out the door. And when it bugs me, I think "is it really worth it to argue about socks and potentially ruin a really nice evening?"

Sorry for answering for you, LK, but not even socks, gal, not even socks.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 11/16/2006 8:57:59 AM
Author: Dee*Jay
This wasn''t exactly an ''epiphany'' as Christa put it at the beginning of this thread, but I did have an ''a ha!'' moment yesterday with the happy hubby. Let me set the stage by saying that I am a Control Freak. Capital C, Capital F. So when I ask him to do something he has learned to follow my instructions TO THE T to avoid later misery.

Yesterday I asked him to pick up some more Christmas wrapping paper at Costco. He called me from the store and told me there were four different four packs and started to describe them to me in details. In one there was dark green paper with gold snowflakes (shiny gold, not matte gold), red paper with shiny silver stars, striped paper with...

You get the picture.

''You pick,'' I said. Stunned silence on the other end of the phone. ''Just pick the pack that you like the best,'' I went on.

''REALLY?'' he said, ''Maybe I should get all four and you can decide which one(s) you like the best and I can return the others.''

Return packages of Christmas paper?

''Nope. You decide. I''m sure whatever ones you like will be fine.'' And they were. And I will never know which ones he didn''t pick. And I don''t care. The gifts will all be wrapped. No one but me will ever know that I made a effort to make sure the patterns lined up perfectly and each corner was sharply creased at the perfect angle and no one gets more than one gift wrapped in the same paper. But seriously, IT''S WRAPPING PAPER. I let go.

I''m sure this sounds wacky and neurotic to all you normal people out there but I saved my happy hubby quite a bit of misery (both in continuing to describe each roll of paper to me one by one [can you imagine what the people around him in Costco must has been thinking as they overhead him on the phone?] and/or in taking back whatever I didn''t want). Plus, HE GOT TO PICK--and I didn''t bitch about WHAT he picked later (a key element in this whole thing, LOL!). So maybe I''m learning. It took me 10 Christmases to get to this point, but from now on he can choose the paper.

oh dee jay, we have the same issue here though I''ve gotten so much better over the years! He still calls me at *least* three times if I send him to the grocery store... poor guy!

 

[Cehrabehra]

my husband wear the clothes I buy him because he hates shopping way more than he hates my intrusion on his tastes LOL

 

[Christa]

OK, Cehra, one more thing we have in common.

My husband wears whatever I buy him because he'd rather do that than actually go to a store and try things on. That said, I try *really* hard not to comment on how he puts things together unless he asks. He is in a job where he is up in front of people, though, so he's been asking a lot lately.

This is a great example of how you have to know your guy and his particular buttons so you can avoind pushing them.

And DeeJay, I just can't relate at all to your wrapping paper story.

It might sound familiar to my husband, though.

Congratulations on letting it go!

 

[ladykemma]

another ah ha moment

when hubby was deathly ill in the hospital. all petty criticisms and what have you no longer seemed to matter. another time when when hubby had curable cancer.

those were very grateful years, with all things in perspective.

 

[galeteia]

As far as whether or not she 'did a number on him' I can't really say, because it's the only thing that is off-limits to talk about. That miffed me at first, in a big way, but I realized that there are also things that are off-limits for me, so it's not the end of the world.

But I can definitely say the road to hell was paved with good intentions. Nice people, good hearts, but control exerted through passive-aggression. And staunchly religious. It's rough when thinking for oneself is the 'sin of disrespecting your parents and the Church'.

He has a load of self-esteem issues, which I believe (based on the progress so far) will eventually be mitigated in a few years. But he's had a lifetime of contributing factors, and comments about his clothes (and to a lesser extent his hair) hit that sore spot for him.

I think he's not used to suggestions made without ulterior motives. Also, his taste is colours is just fine, so I hope that if I attack it from 'this is how the garment is designed, the lines are supposed to sit at these points of your body' it will seem less like I am trying to 'dress' him and more like I am 'translating the mystery of fashion' so he can make educated choices.

Also, I've made it crystal clear that I don't care what he wears in front of me. That seems to help. My only concern comes from the impressions he leaves with others, especially as he's establishing his career, know what I mean?

 

[4bugzinarug]

We have been married almost 12 years. As far as the ups/downs .... the first 6 years were incredibly UP! I can say in all honesty, we did not have one single heated argument. We kept things very open and dealt with issues immediately. We didn''t think we could BE any happier.

Our best year together as a couple was the year during which we adopted our daughter from Vietnam. Then, two weeks after coming home with our baby, my Grandfather died of pancreatic cancer ... we were very close and it was incredibly sudden. That was May of 2001. It was as though that one event triggered a series of "is this really happening to us" events in our family. The short list includes financial troubles, drama from extended family, illness, his job loss in my ninth month of pregnancy that resulted in sellling our home & a large move across the state (this involved buying a business while remodeling a new house with a newborn and a toddler in tow), working together at that business side by side for the last 4 years, and the most traumatic - nearly losing both our daughter and my mind to a freak accident. Well, things get complicated over time. Issues that we never allowed ourselves time to discuss began to fester. Around 1.5 years ago, I finally realized how unhappy we had become (mainly me!) and how both *me* and our lifestyle was making *HIM* very unhappy. And the epiphany was, HE LOVED ME ANYWAY, and that no matter how hard I critiqued him or how far I pushed him away he was there for the long haul. The worst day of our entire marraige was the day we both realized "I love you, but I don''t feel loved anymore". That day was about finding a way to fix US. Separating was never an option, was never even thought of. So we had to rebuild, and are still working on it. Part of the rebuilding involved cutting back at our store, creatiing separate work spaces, finding time for the two of us away from the store, and making time together as a family. Also acknowledging each other''s hot buttons (that''s a big one!).

This past year, my husband has not been well. He was injured at work the day after we signed a contract to sell our home (buyers wanted us out in three weeks). Our new home still not ready nearly a year later, and we are about to move again into our THIRD "short term rental". While moving this much has been hard, it does show us that our relationship is strong enough that whether we are living in a beautiful home with all of our collective things - or living in a tiny furnished rental in a cruddy neighborhood.... we have each other and are doing just fine!

My parents have been married for 35+ years, grandparents for nearly 60 years, and I am looking forward to celebrating the same!