Anyone else have this problem with married friends?

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 1/18/2009 9:22:41 PM
Author: Bliss
This topic really made me think! Some of you are suggesting that the guy (Jack) should be more forthcoming if he indeed wants to move on. That makes sense, but how? There''s no good way to do so.

How does a guy be forthcoming about his desire not to be ''there for you'' in that way anymore?

I don''t see a good way to go about it. (I''m not saying this is even the case for our Gwendolyn!) But now I''m curious as to how you would do that. I would imagine that it would be very awkward and difficult.

I''ve had this happen if a guy friend seemed to develop a crush... I''d just be distant and not respond as much. Or if a guy friend who used to like me contacted me out of the blue when I''m in serious relationship I would always mention FI. If he didn''t take the hint, I would have to respond so rarely it would practically be non-existent. What do girls do in that situation? Hmmm... It''s just tough all around. I think I''m ultra sensitive so I would take it as a hint.

I think this is a totally different scenario. Things do get super awkward when feelings get involved... but, if a boy and girl are just friends and always have been - why can''t they be more upfront with each other? I think if this dude''s wife is controlling him he is probably super embarassed to talk to Gwen about it upfront... I dunno - she sound freaky to me.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I haven''t experienced this, but I do know several couples who share an email address - my future in-laws for example. I write an email to both of them, not knowing who''s going to respond. Usually it''s the FMIL, but sometimes it''s the dad. While not many people have experienced this, I think we''ve all gone through the couple that is a little too much "we" this and "we" that or the new parents who can only talk about baby stuff.

Anyways, I think that you shouldn''t put the blame all on the girl. If the guy wanted to write you back himself, he would. I think he''s probably comfortable letting his wife handle correspondence, and this is just something you should either get used to or drop off contact. Even if on the off chance that she''s some sort of controlling wench who''s deleting your emails and "keeping you from her husband" that''s not really something you need to get in the middle of

 

[iheartscience]

Whoa, yeah, that is just insane. I have my own e-mail, my fiance has his own e-mail, and that''s that. We''ve never read each other''s e-mails. I think it''s pretty weird to do that, actually. It''s very strange to me that some couples don''t have their own private correspondences with their friends. It doesn''t seem healthy to have everything be together.

I would just call Jack up and call him out on it. I would tell him that when you e-mail him, 9 times out of 10 his wife responds, and that while you like hearing from her, you''d like to hear from him since he''s your old friend. And I would just flat out ask him if she has a problem with your friendship.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 1/18/2009 9:22:41 PM
Author: Bliss
This topic really made me think! Some of you are suggesting that the guy (Jack) should be more forthcoming if he indeed wants to move on. That makes sense, but how? There''s no good way to do so.


How does a guy be forthcoming about his desire not to be ''there for you'' in that way anymore?

I don''t see a good way to go about it. (I''m not saying this is even the case for our Gwendolyn!) But now I''m curious as to how you would do that. I would imagine that it would be very awkward and difficult.


I''ve had this happen if a guy friend seemed to develop a crush... I''d just be distant and not respond as much. Or if a guy friend who used to like me contacted me out of the blue when I''m in serious relationship I would always mention FI. If he didn''t take the hint, I would have to respond so rarely it would practically be non-existent. What do girls do in that situation? Hmmm... It''s just tough all around. I think I''m ultra sensitive so I would take it as a hint.

While I agree it''s an awkward conversation to have, it needs to be had. They are all adults, and I think when adults make decisions they need to take responsibility for their actions. If it''s the case that they''ve decided a relationship between gwen and her old friend is inappropriate it is much MORE awkward to never mention this to her upfront and simply act passive aggressively about the situation.

I also think it''s a little odd [nothing against you, Bliss!] to use of the phrase "be ''there for you'' in that way." In what way? As a friend? I mean, it doesn''t sound like gwen is leaning on this guy and soppily and creepily following him about asking him for advice on this that and the other thing in an inappropriate way and pestering him with some ulterior motives. She is for all intents and purposes permanently taken and not interested in a romantic relationship with her platonic and incidentally male friend. While of course some people have experienced friends who are interested in being more than just friends trying to come between a couple, that''s not what''s happening here, and it seems like that should really be clear to all parties involved.

 

[Haven]

I think it is a very strange situation, Gwennie. I''m sorry to hear this is going on, and I must say I would have no idea how to respond.

If, in fact, Jack''s wife is trying to send you a hint that she''d prefer some distance between you and Jack, this doesn''t seem like the most effective way to do so. If Jack agrees with his wife that there should be some boundaries set, then I really think it is up to him to contact you directly and have that conversation.

I understand what people are saying about opposite sex friendships after marriage, but honestly, I can''t say that I agree. I have a few close male friends and colleagues, and I spend time with them without my DH. In fact, the last thing my DH wants to do is come out with a bunch of literary nerds and listen to us talk about books all night. I am not interested in these men, and if I do sense some sexual tension or anything of the sort coming from their end, I address it and squash the potential awkwardness immediately. I value these friendships, and I think it is healthy to have friends and a life that is not directly connected with my partner.

Gwennie, I''m interested to hear what comes of this situation. I hope it''s just that Jack''s wife is a bit insecure and feels threatened by her husband''s gorgeous and talented dear friend!

 

[Bliss]

Date: 1/18/2009 9:58:15 PM
Author: WishfulThinking

Date: 1/18/2009 9:22:41 PM
Author: Bliss
This topic really made me think! Some of you are suggesting that the guy (Jack) should be more forthcoming if he indeed wants to move on. That makes sense, but how? There's no good way to do so.


How does a guy be forthcoming about his desire not to be 'there for you' in that way anymore?

I don't see a good way to go about it. (I'm not saying this is even the case for our Gwendolyn!) But now I'm curious as to how you would do that. I would imagine that it would be very awkward and difficult.


I've had this happen if a guy friend seemed to develop a crush... I'd just be distant and not respond as much. Or if a guy friend who used to like me contacted me out of the blue when I'm in serious relationship I would always mention FI. If he didn't take the hint, I would have to respond so rarely it would practically be non-existent. What do girls do in that situation? Hmmm... It's just tough all around. I think I'm ultra sensitive so I would take it as a hint.

While I agree it's an awkward conversation to have, it needs to be had. They are all adults, and I think when adults make decisions they need to take responsibility for their actions. If it's the case that they've decided a relationship between gwen and her old friend is inappropriate it is much MORE awkward to never mention this to her upfront and simply act passive aggressively about the situation.

I also think it's a little odd [nothing against you, Bliss!] to use of the phrase 'be 'there for you' in that way.' In what way? As a friend? I mean, it doesn't sound like gwen is leaning on this guy and soppily and creepily following him about asking him for advice on this that and the other thing in an inappropriate way and pestering him with some ulterior motives. She is for all intents and purposes permanently taken and not interested in a romantic relationship with her platonic and incidentally male friend. While of course some people have experienced friends who are interested in being more than just friends trying to come between a couple, that's not what's happening here, and it seems like that should really be clear to all parties involved.

Oh totally!

I was writing in generic terms because this discussion was so thought provoking. I mean, I have had guy friends in the past who I have been there for in many respects -- family issues, career support and etc. We cared a lot for each other as friends. But when I got into a serious relationship, FI took first priority and I could not "be there in that way" for him. It has nothing to do with ulterior motives, it's just a simple fact.

In other words, I could not be his #1 to run to as a BFF whenever something came up or to hang out all the time. And when you're married that becomes especially clear because you've pledged your life to someone else. That does NOT mean you drop all of your friends, but you do prioritize differently. My girlfriends are extremely important to me but FI is #1 and because of this, I cannot drop everything every time for one of their crises and the same goes for them when they are married, too. I understand and support that... I want their marriages to be strong and healthy so I don't expect to be BFFFFFFFF. LOL. But they are like my sistas, ya know?

Anyway, yes -- her responding to Gwendolyn's e-mails to hubby are VERY ODD. I'd take it as a sign she's either threatened by beautiful Gwendolyn or doesn't feel it's appropriate any longer for the two to be e-mailing back and forth. Not that I would agree with her views, but I would respect that.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 1/18/2009 9:52:09 PM
Author: thing2of2
Whoa, yeah, that is just insane. I have my own e-mail, my fiance has his own e-mail, and that''s that. We''ve never read each other''s e-mails. I think it''s pretty weird to do that, actually. It''s very strange to me that some couples don''t have their own private correspondences with their friends. It doesn''t seem healthy to have everything be together.

I would just call Jack up and call him out on it. I would tell him that when you e-mail him, 9 times out of 10 his wife responds, and that while you like hearing from her, you''d like to hear from him since he''s your old friend. And I would just flat out ask him if she has a problem with your friendship.

FI and I also have separate emails, and we plan to always keep our personal emails separate. If someone wants to write to both of us, he or she can send the email to both of us! We do not know each other''s passwords. I like having part of my life remain a little bit private. I leave my email up most of the time, so he could read it if he wanted to, and I could read his if I wanted to, but neither of us does.

I agree that calling Jack would be the best thing to do, Gwen. Confront him with the situation and see how he responds. You can then judge whether this is her issue or his, and you can decide how you want to proceed. I think it''s important to remember that friends of any sex can drift apart; one or both may be too involved in their own lives to continue to put in the effort the friendship requires. It is super frustrating when this is one-sided, and it can hurt a lot, but sometimes it''s best to stop giving to a friendship that isn''t working, for lack of a better term. I think you need to evaluate whether this is the case, and if so, maybe make the difficult decision to contact him less, for your own emotional well-being.

It could easily be that his wife is the root of the problem, and he is doing nothing about it. While it''s easy to blame her for being jealous and petty (which it appears she is), he is just as much at fault for allowing her to respond to his personal emails and decide for him who his friends will be. When he made the decision to marry her, he accepted her, pettiness, jealousy, and all. That relationship is the most important in his life--as it should be, of course--but it is his choice whether he wants to work to be friends with you or let her behave the way she has. It might just be easier for him to do the latter, in which case, I would probably stop contacting him. Unless he comes up with some benign explanation for his behavior and her behavior, you probably don''t want to continue with things as they are.

I hope that steam of consciousness made some sense. I''m sorry Jack isn''t being the best of friends to you, Gwen. You''re a sweetheart, and you deserve to have only wonderful, fulfilling friendships.

 

[LaraOnline]

I think it''s simplistic to say the wife is ''the root of the problem''.
It is a possibility that she is threatened by Gwen''s familiarity with her man, but unless he is not the getting the emails at all, it really comes down to him, and how he feels about interacting now that he is married.
I don''t think it is necessarily a reflection on you personally, at all, Gwen, if that makes you feel any better.

Marriage relationships can be quite complicated, (as I''m totally sure you know) and I''m not sure it''s fair to jump to any conclusions.
You could phone him and just say you wanted to check if he''s getting the emails...?
Perhaps if his wife was in a position to meet with you, and maybe for the pair of you to become good friends in your own right, well the situation would really not be a problem.

When you have tied your flag to the mast, so to speak, it can be threatening to have a strange woman regularly approach your man in an exclusive, friendly way. It all depends on context... interestingly, my man has been really jealous of male friends of mine where I thought the situation was really clear, so the bread can cut both ways...

 

[AdiS]

DH has free access to my emails, same goes for me. If one of us wants to read, ok - read. Neither of us uses this free pass but we know we have it.
Answering letters that are not meant for you, on the other hand, isn''t just bad manners - it''s plain rude. If she has a problem with Gwen''s emails, then she should go to her husband and say so. "I don''t like this. It has to stop." Period. And he has to deal with this instead of letting his wife show how ill-bred she is.

I agree that a phone call is the best way to go. And I''d ask him directly what''s going on. If you confront him with a question that demands a simple "yes" or "no" answer, you''d probably spare him the embarrassment *if* he''s indeed been asked by his wife not to answer your letters. I hope that''s not the case but at least then you''ll know.

 

[swingirl]

Here is my suggestion.

Send one email to the wife. Be friendly, chatty, don''t even mentioning your friend--make it all about her.

Same day send an email to your male friend. Be friendly, chatty, nothing too personal, nothing about the good old days. Ask him how he is and say you haven''t heard from him in while and hope to hear from him soon.

If he doesn''t answer, you can assume he is not interested in keeping in touch. He either doesn''t want to or his wife doesn''t approve of him maintaining the friendship.

 

[DebShine]

Sign me up for the "that''s weird" list. A little sad too, because even though it''s weird, obviously the woman has a bit of a problem with boundaries and as his wife - that should be respected, it''s really Jack''s call. I agree with talking to him on the phone ONCE, finding out the situation, and then let sleeping dogs lie. Losing a friend sucks... but as the saying goes, some are with us only for a season - and the seasons may be changing.

 

[Harriet]

Is it possible that Jack doesn''t know what''s been going on?

 

[gwendolyn]

Ok, some of these replies have left me slightly baffled, which is probably my fault as I did not include enough information. So let me clear up a few things...

-Jack and I currently live in different countries, about 7000 miles apart (I think). The closest to each other that we have ever lived is 400 miles. When he met his wife, we were living 2000 miles apart.

-Over the course of a year, I email him maybe 5 or 6 times tops. When I do, it''s almost always to say, "Jack, it''s been a while--what''s new? How''s the job, how''s the wife, how''re the cats?" Then maybe a couple of lines about my life and that''s it. Sometimes something will remind me of him and I''ll mention that at the start as the reason for thinking to email him just then, but nothing even coming close to inappropriate in any way, shape or form. Just thought I''d clear that up, since I''m not entirely sure why else it would be a problem for me to want to know every now and then how he is...

-Because I don''t live (and have never lived) anywhere close to them, it''s not an option to hang with just her and try to bond with her. I have written emails to her directly, but she never says much in them for me to keep them going. Then again, she doesn''t say much when she responds to Jack''s emails either, so that may just be her style? Dunno.

-I know Jack through a friend (another guy) that I''ve known longer--17 years. My best friends at home are guys, and almost all of them are now married. There is nothing inappropriate about our friendships, as we''re more like family than friends (we used to go on vacations together). I met Jack through one of these guys, and we''re all one big crazy family of friends. Now we''re pretty evenly split since almost everyone''s paired off, and all friends with each other--the original group and all the spouses/SOs. So, it''s not like I''m the only other female in his life (if you can even really call a handful of emails a year ''in'' someone''s life!). We all get along great, which is one of the reasons I love them all so much.

-Someone (or a few people?) mentioned things about how priorities change after marriage. I could understand if I wanted to hang with him every weekend or something, but if half a dozen (short) emails a YEAR is too much to be considered appropriate, then I feel very sad indeed as I think it''s not asking much at ALL.

-Yes, it is possible that Jack doesn''t know this is going on. I will have to talk to him on his cell to see if there''s a problem. He shouldn''t have any problem telling me if there was.

-The use of the phrase "be there for him in that way" was used a couple of times. Not sure what that''s meant to imply exactly, but I am and have always been Jack''s friend. He never was "priority" over James, and James doesn''t feel threatened in any way by him or any of my other male friends.

Basically, I think it confuses me because, if she wants distance, she can''t really be in a better situation than me being almost halfway around the world! Now, his ex that lives in the same city as them, maybe, but me?! WHY??? Makes no sense to me whatsoever! I''m already so distant that it''d take a rocket for me to get much more distant!

 

[Harriet]

I knew you''d have a sensible story to tell. I''d be flattered to be your friend someday.

 

[chocolatefudge]

I am finding some of the replies to this problem bizarre! The opinion that a married woman should not have contact or friendship with any man not known to her husband seems completely odd and old fashioned to me! Does it mean that I should drop my male friends upon getting married?
I have male friends who have never met my boyfriend, and I''m sure he has female friends whom I have never met. To demand to meet every unknown friend seems neurotic and untrusting...

It obviously looks like Jack''s wife has a problem with Gwen and this is very sad, however I don''t think that Gwen has done ANYTHING wrong and it is sad that she is now losing touch with an old friend.

 

[Elmorton]

Date: 1/19/2009 3:48:33 AM
Author: swingirl
Here is my suggestion.


Send one email to the wife. Be friendly, chatty, don't even mentioning your friend--make it all about her.


Same day send an email to your male friend. Be friendly, chatty, nothing too personal, nothing about the good old days. Ask him how he is and say you haven't heard from him in while and hope to hear from him soon.


If he doesn't answer, you can assume he is not interested in keeping in touch. He either doesn't want to or his wife doesn't approve of him maintaining the friendship.

Love this idea. As I've been reading this thread, I've been thinking if it's just in how the e-mail is written, or what the subject line is. "To Jack" when it's a shared account doesn't mean much or could seem secretive. But if you do separate e-mails or one e-mail but clearly address each person as individuals, it may be more effective.

So maybe that's the answer? I might just adapt the way I send e-mails. Talk about things directly to the wife, and then if you reference inside memories/jokes, maybe say things like "Jack - remember when we saw those crazy people when we were skiing? You'll have to explain that to Jill" etc.

That way, even if it's just the wife reading the e-mail, she'll basically have to fill in Jack about what you said to get the meaning of your e-mail. Then he at least knows that you've e-mailed (since that may be the entire problem right there). And, even if she is possessive, she'll know that you're trying to include her rather than exclude her in your references.

I will say though that as my friends have established serious, long-term partnerships, my relationships with male friends has changed, too. One of my best and oldest friends was an acquaintance of DH, so they got along great anyway, but now that my friend also has a girlfriend, when we meet up as the four of us, I spend my time with the girlfriend and DH spends the time with my old friend. Sometimes I have to catch up with DH after the visit to find out what's going on in MY friend's life. Another example - the guy who introduced DH and me has been close to both of us for a long time, but now if I call him, I call his girlfriend's cell phone instead because it seems more "normal" for us girls to chat than for me to call him directly (they live together). Yes, it's sad that our friendships have changed, but I think it's just the way things go, and IMO, it's the polite/right thing to do to include the partner into the friendship and make that person feel as if they're part of the bond we all share.

ETA: I didn't get to your post before I replied. Though I used an example of an in-person friendship, I think the same idea can apply given a multi-thousand mile distance as well. I don't think your friendship with Jack is inappropriate at all, but it does sound like a) there might be a style issue in the e-mail that could help aid the situation, b) this couple may think of your friendship as a triad now that Jack is married, and maybe that's just their style, or c) Jack is/has become completely indifferent to e-mails.


A random idea - have you tried Skype?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/19/2009 1:40:52 PM
Author: Harriet
I knew you'd have a sensible story to tell. I'd be flattered to be your friend someday.

Aww, Harriet my dear, you are such a ray of sunshine! Thank you.

And, er, I already consider you a friend, pumpkin.

Author: Haven
Gwennie, I'm interested to hear what comes of this situation. I hope it's just that Jack's wife is a bit insecure and feels threatened by her husband's gorgeous and talented dear friend!

Hehe, you made me laugh out loud with that--thank you so much for your sweet words! Not sure I agree but I definitely appreciate the sentiment!

Author: Elmorton
have you tried Skype?

No! But I keep meaning to figure it out on my comp. James and I got a Wii last month and we've used our Wii Speak to talk to friends overseas for free a bunch (well, over the net) and it's awesome, but not everyone has a Wii or Wii Speak, so yeah, I should look into Skype. Thanks!

So, I will probably wait until the end of the month to call Jack since one of our mutual friends from that big group of friends will be visiting me (yay!) and we can both talk to him then. I want to keep it as casual and as short as possible, so that should do it!

I will let everyone know what happens. Thanks for your input!

 

[Harriet]

 

[SuiteLady]

Gwen, do you find that you do all of the reaching out? Or is he reaching out to you? I would have left THEM alone after her first email response.

Good luck!

 

[Nocturnius]

WHAT?

No.

Absolutely not.

Here's the thing. I am a married woman (don't kick me

). I NEVER read ANYTHING that is my husband's. That's absurd! I can't believe your friend tolerates that. I don't open or read anything that hubkins does not give me explicit permission to. [Example, we'll be on the phone while I'm home and he's out: "Honey, you got some package in the mail." "Oh, who's it from?" "John Doe, Nowheresville." "Oh, cool, I've been waiting for that - open it for me?" Or, "anything for me in the mail?" "Yeah, something from No Company." "Could you open it and read it to me?"]

I manage his Myspaces, but whenever there is a message I let him know before I open it. I was taught privacy was of the utmost importance in a relationship, and even though there's been some sneaky stuff around lately I've reeeeally wanted to peek at (like a folder with the name of a certain company he knows there's something I want from... and also knows my birthday is comiiiiiing......!) I just stick back where it belongs and ignore it. It isn't mine!

The problem I have with this is something like that usually hints at the controller of the relationship. I lost a very good friend to a controlling partner... and it started with things like that. Reading her e-mails. Then reading the text messages on her phone. Then reading our IMs when we were online talking. Then listening in on our phone conversations... until it got to where I was actually put on SPEAKERPHONE and wasn't allowed to see her or talk to her by herself anymore.

Smurfy mentioned having e-mail addresses for the couple. But that's different... people don't e-mail those expecting to only reach one person. They are AWARE that it is an e-mail account which both partners read. This is a PERSONAL account we're talking about... like if you sent him a letter snail-mail addressed to HIM ONLY and she opened it and read it first! It wasn't addressed to BOTH of them!

Also, some of the other responses are bothering me. There is nothing wrong with opposite-sex friends after marriage, and fi you think so, you're probably a jealous person that needs to chill out. I am admittedly a very jealous woman, and even I don't have a problem with my husband keeping in contact with some of his exes (there is only one I have a problem with because she proved she had ill intentions; the other two are great and even I talk to them ON MY OWN ACCOUNT, NOT ON HIS.)

If I were you, I'd really probably quit sending e-mails entirely and tell him we have to find another way to communicate if he still wants to keep in touch.

Being married doesn't mean she has to be the "bridge" between you two.

 

[The Future Mrs.]

Some people think that their husbands or wives should cut off contact completely with ex-boyfriends, or girlfriends. I don''t believe it has anything to do with jealousy. I do think that his wife should not be reading his e-mails. Husbands and wives should not be able to read each others e-mails. Not that you have anything to hide, its just your own e-mail, it should be personal.

Ask to speak to his wife next time and ask her if she has a problem with you and Jack talking as friends. Tell her that you two are just friends, and nothing else will come of it, but if for whatever reason she is uncomfortable she should tell you.

If she says she does, I would stop talking with him and leave him alone. You wouldn''t want to start anything.

That''s just my opinion.

 

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 1/19/2009 1:31:03 PM
Author: gwendolyn
-Jack and I currently live in different countries, about 7000 miles apart (I think). The closest to each other that we have ever lived is 400 miles. When he met his wife, we were living 2000 miles apart.

-Over the course of a year, I email him maybe 5 or 6 times tops. When I do, it's almost always to say, 'Jack, it's been a while--what's new? How's the job, how's the wife, how're the cats?' Then maybe a couple of lines about my life and that's it. Sometimes something will remind me of him and I'll mention that at the start as the reason for thinking to email him just then, but nothing even coming close to inappropriate in any way, shape or form. Just thought I'd clear that up, since I'm not entirely sure why else it would be a problem for me to want to know every now and then how he is...

Think about these parts of your post. Is there a chance that you may have made more of the friendship than the reality? He lives thousands of miles away. You email 5-6 times a year...how many times in the past year has HE emailed you? That's not a close friend, and quite frankly, his wife is probably wondering why you are emailing at all. Miss Manners would tell you the same thing. He's married, and obviously not interested in keeping up the casual banter...or his wife isn't. If it was important for him to stay in touch, SHE wouldn't be reading the emails. Let it go.

BTW, before you think me harsh or a biotch, this is exactly what I would say to my bestest friend in the whole world, my daughter, or my sister if I had one. As we get older we see things differently, and ettiquette in a marriage is different for everyone. Some couples cling to one another, especially in the newlywed years. They have to find their own footing, and once they do, they sometimes loosen up and rejoin old friends. In the meanwhile, you can leave a message on his cellphone, and see what response you get. Either way, the other poster said it best when she said she'd be flattered to be your friend.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/19/2009 10:04:26 PM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 1/19/2009 1:31:03 PM

Author: gwendolyn

-Jack and I currently live in different countries, about 7000 miles apart (I think). The closest to each other that we have ever lived is 400 miles. When he met his wife, we were living 2000 miles apart.

-Over the course of a year, I email him maybe 5 or 6 times tops. When I do, it's almost always to say, 'Jack, it's been a while--what's new? How's the job, how's the wife, how're the cats?' Then maybe a couple of lines about my life and that's it. Sometimes something will remind me of him and I'll mention that at the start as the reason for thinking to email him just then, but nothing even coming close to inappropriate in any way, shape or form. Just thought I'd clear that up, since I'm not entirely sure why else it would be a problem for me to want to know every now and then how he is...

Think about these parts of your post. Is there a chance that you may have made more of the friendship than the reality? He lives thousands of miles away. You email 5-6 times a year...how many times in the past year has HE emailed you? That's not a close friend, and quite frankly, his wife is probably wondering why you are emailing at all. Miss Manners would tell you the same thing. He's married, and obviously not interested in keeping up the casual banter...or his wife isn't. If it was important for him to stay in touch, SHE wouldn't be reading the emails. Let it go.

BTW, before you think me harsh or a biotch, this is exactly what I would say to my bestest friend in the whole world, my daughter, or my sister if I had one. As we get older we see things differently, and ettiquette in a marriage is different for everyone. Some couples cling to one another, especially in the newlywed years. They have to find their own footing, and once they do, they sometimes loosen up and rejoin old friends. In the meanwhile, you can leave a message on his cellphone, and see what response you get. Either way, the other poster said it best when she said she'd be flattered to be your friend.

Wow! Implying Gwen is delusional about her friendship is kind of ridiculous! I'm sure she knows her friendship better than any of us. Just because you think married people shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex doesn't mean that's how it should be. Your opinion isn't gospel.

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Gwen, you poor thing! I always read your posts and you are very kind to everybody and you seem to be very good at keeping in touch with all your friends. I would assume your friend Jack is aware of how his wife is and is fine with it. My inlaws share their email address, usually because one or the other is more computer literate, but both like keeping in touch. I know my husband has old friends call, and he keeps forgetting to get back to them, it''s almost like hearing their message is enough for him. I myself have felt like calling these people back just to say "Hey we got your call". I don''t, because I know that I am not who they want to hear from. Don''t feel bad, sometimes people are at different places in their lives. Probably his new wife fulfills all his female needs and he has sort of moved on from the relationship that you two shared. Before my husband and I were married, he lived alone and kept in touch with many people, but now he is so happy with his life with me that he isn''t as active in his social life. He still sees friends from time to time, but not like he did when he was single. He didn''t slow down because I minded, but because his need for friend interaction seems to be alot more filled by me. If his new wife wanted to cut you out of their life, she would simply delete your messages and figure you would get the hint. I would vote that Jack is just busy with his new marriage and his wife is being nice and probably has come to really like you and wants you to be HER friend. Like many on here have mentioned, you are a really dedicated friend. One that most would love to have. Jack may just love her soooo much that he figures talking to her is probably better than talking to him since she is so wonderful in his opinion, and that you wouldn''t mind her stepping in for him. You should be very happy that your friend Jack has found love.
Maybe you are his "Velveteen Rabbit"

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/19/2009 10:04:26 PM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 1/19/2009 1:31:03 PM
Author: gwendolyn
-Jack and I currently live in different countries, about 7000 miles apart (I think). The closest to each other that we have ever lived is 400 miles. When he met his wife, we were living 2000 miles apart.

-Over the course of a year, I email him maybe 5 or 6 times tops. When I do, it''s almost always to say, ''Jack, it''s been a while--what''s new? How''s the job, how''s the wife, how''re the cats?'' Then maybe a couple of lines about my life and that''s it. Sometimes something will remind me of him and I''ll mention that at the start as the reason for thinking to email him just then, but nothing even coming close to inappropriate in any way, shape or form. Just thought I''d clear that up, since I''m not entirely sure why else it would be a problem for me to want to know every now and then how he is...

Think about these parts of your post. Is there a chance that you may have made more of the friendship than the reality? He lives thousands of miles away. You email 5-6 times a year...how many times in the past year has HE emailed you? That''s not a close friend, and quite frankly, his wife is probably wondering why you are emailing at all. Miss Manners would tell you the same thing. He''s married, and obviously not interested in keeping up the casual banter...or his wife isn''t. If it was important for him to stay in touch, SHE wouldn''t be reading the emails. Let it go.

BTW, before you think me harsh or a biotch, this is exactly what I would say to my bestest friend in the whole world, my daughter, or my sister if I had one. As we get older we see things differently, and ettiquette in a marriage is different for everyone. Some couples cling to one another, especially in the newlywed years. They have to find their own footing, and once they do, they sometimes loosen up and rejoin old friends. In the meanwhile, you can leave a message on his cellphone, and see what response you get. Either way, the other poster said it best when she said she''d be flattered to be your friend.

Gwen, I have to agree here. I think you are a ray of sunshine and a super sweet person, but many times people in this world don''t appreciate those things. Let''s say this woman posted here on Pricescope...she might say something like:

"So ladies, do you think this is weird? There is a woman who was friends with my man before I married/met him. I have no problem with him being friends with her, if that what he wants, but he doesn''t care to continue the friendship now that he is married. My husband and I share everything - he reads my emails and I check his account and this woman emails him 5 or 6 times a year to check in on him! I tell my husband she''s emailed him and he just shrugs and blows it off. I kind of feel bad for her so I respond out of courtesy, but she still has not gotten the message that he is not interested in staying friends with her. They don''t even live near each other, so he doesn''t see the point. Men! They are so lazy and bad at communication. I feel bad for her, but honestly, this is starting to get on my nerves."

It''s probably not the above scenario, but you get my drift. We don''t know the other side of the story her. Honestly, if he hasn''t tried to keep in touch with you, I believe it''s time to move on and just let them be. They may be weirdos, she may be sneaking into his email account, but in the end, it is what it is and I''d just focus on your love and your life and move on.

For the rest of you that think it''s so weird that since you keep male friends and your significant others don''t mind - that''s great for you! But when your male friends get girlfriends and wives, I think it''s nice to take a step back - maybe ten. I''m not even the jealous type but I would appreciate that if some gal pal of TGuy''s did that for me.

 

[gwendolyn]

On my way to work but just wanted to pop in quickly to address the comment that I may have read more into our friendship or whatever--over the years, Jack and I (along with our group of friends) have gone on vacations together--we've rented houses and 10 or 12 of us would stay there for 5 days over New Year's and it's always been great fun. He does email me of his own accord occasionally (probably 4 or 5 times a year? our communication is about equal) but the issue I wanted to address here if it was normal for married women to reply to their husbands' email so I didn't include it originally (should've in my additional info post though, sorry). He and his wife also sat me at the head table at their wedding, with a couple of other friends from that group.

Anyway, I don't think he's trying to drop me, and I'm quite sure that I'm not imagining the friendship.

 

[LaraOnline]

Hey maybe she is a wierdo and deletes your emails. Ring him and ask.

Otherwise, it is likely to be communication thing, and he just likes having his wife do his talking for him. Happens that way for some folks (not, I hasten to add, do I include myself in that group of people).

Lifestyle accounts for a lot as well, if he works constantly, he may see his wife''s responding to personal mail as just part of their household routine...

 

[AdiS]

Date: 1/20/2009 2:35:05 AM
Author: gwendolyn
On my way to work but just wanted to pop in quickly to address the comment that I may have read more into our friendship or whatever--over the years, Jack and I (along with our group of friends) have gone on vacations together--we''ve rented houses and 10 or 12 of us would stay there for 5 days over New Year''s and it''s always been great fun. He does email me of his own accord occasionally (probably 4 or 5 times a year? our communication is about equal) but the issue I wanted to address here if it was normal for married women to reply to their husbands'' email so I didn''t include it originally (should''ve in my additional info post though, sorry). He and his wife also sat me at the head table at their wedding, with a couple of other friends from that group.

Anyway, I don''t think he''s trying to drop me, and I''m quite sure that I''m not imagining the friendship.

Well, no, it isn''t.

Since the replies of some of the posters have drifted into debates over your friendship, boundaries and advices you didn''t ask for, I feel I should say this once again. No, I don''t think it''s normal. If they share an email address, then it''s fine. If it''s his email and the letter is clearly meant for him, then no, it''s not normal for her to reply to it. Married or not, your personal space is still yours, isn''t it? Otherwise, what''s next - going to his workplace instead of him or answering for him in a conversation when someone asks him a question? Well, it''s ok, since they are married, isn''t it?!

 

[LaraOnline]

I reckon this kind of ''stuff'' is precisely why some committed married couples choose to be wary of mixed sex friendships in the first place.
How do you think it''s going to go down if Gwen objects to her friend''s wife responding to her emails?
I say, be careful how you approach this!

 

[gwendolyn]

I don''t mind if she does want to reply to his emails sometime--I find it odd, but I don''t mind as long as I can get through to him too. I don''t know her very well, but what I do know, I like, so I''m certainly not going to approach this like I want to stir up a hornet''s nest or anything.

I didn''t know if it was a common thing or not for married couples to do this, and see that it''s still not terribly common although there could be reasons behind it. Hopefully the reasons are more about Jack being busy with work than Jack''s wife having a problem with me specifically (or female friends of his in general), but I will delicately approach the situation to try to make sure that nothing I have done has been offensive to her. As I say, I can''t really see how my behaviour could''ve crossed any boundaries, but maybe she feels much differently about me than she has let on.

AdiS, thank you for your reply--I know that topics do evolve into other things and wanted to bring it back to the original point, which you very succinctly did for me! And I agree with you completely.

Lara, I don''t think I''d "object" in so many words. Obviously Jack''s wife is much more important to him than me no matter how far we go back, and that''s exactly as it should be. For me, the issue is really to make sure that, since this behaviour isn''t that common, to find out if the problem is with me specifically, because if there is, then I should adjust my behaviour so I do not make her uncomfortable. Or, maybe it''s something else entirely! But I definitely will be very careful with how I approach it, no worries.