Anyone else have this problem with married friends?

[gwendolyn]

Date: 1/20/2009 2:57:18 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Hey maybe she is a wierdo and deletes your emails. Ring him and ask.

By the way, I know this isn''t how you meant it, but I first read this as you telling me to ring Jack and say, "Hey Jack! Is your wife a weirdo?!"

 

[LaraOnline]

Hey Gwen, you come across as a totally fantastic gal and I love your posts, you have some amazing insights, I''m sure that you''ve got a great vibe with them. I mean, if he is contacting you himself it could be likely that he simply is not often at that email address where you are sending your letters? Anyway all the best with it, hey.

L.

 

[ringless]

Date: 1/18/2009 11:22:11 AM
Author:gwendolyn
Well, ok, maybe ''problem'' is too strong a word, but I''m not sure what else to call it.

I have this good friend--let''s call him Jack. Jack and I have been friends for about 10 years or so, and were really close for a while (even talked at one point about us dating but we were living about 2000 miles apart and had different religious things so knew it wouldn''t work out). A few years ago, Jack met his (now) wife and she''s nice and friendly and when we all hang out, we have a great time. However, since they lived 2000 miles away the whole time I''ve known her (and now they''re more like 7000 miles away), I''ve only hung with her a handful of times.

Here''s where the issue comes in--when I email Jack to catch up and find out how he''s doing and everything, 9 times out of 10 she''ll write me back. The first time she did it just to tell me that she reads his email all the time, but now most of the time she''s the one writing back to me. Now, I don''t *mind* her and am happy to chat and get to know her, but I''d like it to be in addition to getting to talk to my friend, and not instead. I mentioned it to her, but it seems like it doesn''t quite get through because she keeps doing it. And sometimes, if I refer to old times or in-jokes (thinking he''d be the one reading/responding), she''ll write back saying she doesn''t know what I''m talking about. Um...it wasn''t meant for you?

Not trying to be mean or anything, but I just don''t get it. Has anyone else experienced this before?

Just from an outside looking in, it seems she is threatened by your friendship with her man. She may not like that you are emailing him.

 

[tlh]

Hmm, thank you for posting this question. It was very thought provoking!
I think, no it is not normal for a wife to answer her Dh''s personal email.

I also really enjoyed the different points of view. But one thing that crossed my mind is... maybe she thinks YOU GUYS ARE FRIENDS? She did sit you at their head table at the wedding. So maybe she doesn''t think it is that big of a deal. A few posters here, that have not met you, think, WOW I WANT TO BE HER FRIEND!!! And here is a lady who probably has heard sooo much about you that she thinks she knows you, and knows you well. Yes it may be strange... but maybe she doesn''t have a lot of female friends, and she just likes you.

Based on your posts you seem wonderfully sweet, honest, and sincere. There aren''t enough people like you in the world. So yes, it is a little strange, but like the other poster said (from a different point of view... the wife''s) there are two sides here. Why the need to villify (sp?) her. She may just be reaching out to you, because she feels like you are friends.

I think it is not normal- and there could be a lot going on... but why speculate... why not just ask... you said he was far away, and it could cost money, but why not just ASK?

It sounds frustrating, but maybe it is not w. malice.

 

[DebShine]

Date: 1/20/2009 7:51:12 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 1/20/2009 2:57:18 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Hey maybe she is a wierdo and deletes your emails. Ring him and ask.

By the way, I know this isn''t how you meant it, but I first read this as you telling me to ring Jack and say, ''Hey Jack! Is your wife a weirdo?!''

Gwen... LMAO at this!


1) To reitterate what I said earlier - this reading and replying to his mail is NOT normal. BUT....

2)I''ll give you a dollar to call him and ask him if his wife is weird! Just kidding. Call the cell phone and non-chalantlley ask him "hey, dude - why does XXX email me back - you too lazy or what?"

It''s probably just a weird communication fluke.
Good Luck and I''m dying to know the outcome.

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/21/2009 4:14:48 PM
Author: DebShine

Date: 1/20/2009 7:51:12 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 1/20/2009 2:57:18 AM
Author: LaraOnline
Hey maybe she is a wierdo and deletes your emails. Ring him and ask.

By the way, I know this isn''t how you meant it, but I first read this as you telling me to ring Jack and say, ''Hey Jack! Is your wife a weirdo?!''

Gwen... LMAO at this!


1) To reitterate what I said earlier - this reading and replying to his mail is NOT normal. BUT....

2)I''ll give you a dollar to call him and ask him if his wife is weird! Just kidding. Call the cell phone and non-chalantlley ask him ''hey, dude - why does XXX email me back - you too lazy or what?''

It''s probably just a weird communication fluke.
Good Luck and I''m dying to know the outcome.

DITTO TO THAT!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Since you two talked about dating and weren''t just brother/sister type buddies, I think that if any one of you is uncomfortable with a private relationship between you and "Jack," you need to respect that.

DH and I have made all opposite gender friends that we have our couple friends. I think your situation would make me uncomfortable if I were Jack''s wife.

I have a male friend who had a very possessive fiancee when we met as work friends. She kept him on a tight leash (didn''t like it when we went out for lunch even though I had a boyfriend of 5 years), and when she called off the wedding it turned out I was one of the few friends of his own he had. This made us get a lot closer as he leaned on me a lot for support. Anyway, when I was engaged (I think, or maybe not yet) he told me that once I was married, we shouldn''t hang out alone anymore.

I was really taken aback because I didn''t feel like I was doing anything weird by hanging out with him alone. But now that I am married I feel differently. It would be weird to hang out alone with him unless our spouses encouraged us to for some reason (like one time DH and a female friend went off to look at art and left me and her husband at the bar where we were happy to be off our feet and away from the crowds).

I''ll call my male friend some (usually just to set up a time to hang out all four of us); I''ll group email both him and his wife; I had DH call him when my father died. My point is that the relationship can''t work if you can''t include/connect with the spouse. If his friendship is important to you and this isn''t about a perceived competition, I''d try to find a way to have a relationship with both of them. You can''t have the same kind of relationship with a married man unless his wife feels comfortable with it. Since there was talk of dating, frankly, I''d feel weird too. DH is a charming extrovert and he had many female friends who were sort of more than that at one point or another when we met; none of those are the people we forged "couple friendships" with because those sort of friends/sort of more relationships are not the same as a relationship where the two people are just buddies.