Are you childless?

[ChloeTheGreat]

I am "childfree," as others have said. I don't think I want children. But I am still young and maybe someday children will be in the cards. For now, I enjoy the responsibilities of pet motherhood...and that's enough for me.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I am 32 and just got married a month ago. We wanted to start having children, but it looks like we will be apart for 1.5-2 more years. I am now having to make the decision on what would be worse. Having a full time job, and raising a baby by myself during the week, or having kids when I am advanced maternal age.

Haven't figured it out yet. No one is really giving me a hard time being our situation is what it is.

Not that you asked , but I think if it is very very important for you to have kids then go for it when you are living apart. It will be no picnic and would make things harder than if you were together, but if you can roll with the punches I honestly don't think it would be so bad after the first 3-4 months (can you hire help?). And the company of kiddo will make it less lonely! You never know what the future holds so I always think it is better to pursue really important life goals sooner rather than later.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming

 

[Dreamer_D]

TGal, I've noticed this, referring to the part about how mothers exclude you as they hang out with other moms. I've been friends with a few coworkers for about 5 years. We haven't ever been super close but we used to hang out occasionally, and we were invited to each other's weddings. Then they had babies and I didn't. I was just talking to another coworker the other day about this and about how my feelings were hurt because I never hear from, hang out with, or really chat with these girls anymore, beyond a "hey, how are you, what's up?" kind of casual conversation. Obviously family life comes first, and that's how it should be. I can't help but be hurt though. The other thing is that I'd LOVE to go over and hang out at their house and play with their babies, etc. I still want to be involved in their lives although I don't have children of my own. I don't get why that can't happen. I really don't mean to sound selfish, and I apologize if it comes across that way.

Zoe, I would hope that their exclusion of you is based on ignorance and not meaness, and if that is the case, perhaps speaking to them and letting them know you would love to be included in any get-togethers? I cannot imagine excluding someone because they don't have kids out of spite or anything, the only reason I would not think to invite someone to hang out with my family and other kids was because would I assume they were not interested! I'm sorry you are being left out.

 

[zoebartlett]

TGal, I've noticed this, referring to the part about how mothers exclude you as they hang out with other moms. I've been friends with a few coworkers for about 5 years. We haven't ever been super close but we used to hang out occasionally, and we were invited to each other's weddings. Then they had babies and I didn't. I was just talking to another coworker the other day about this and about how my feelings were hurt because I never hear from, hang out with, or really chat with these girls anymore, beyond a "hey, how are you, what's up?" kind of casual conversation. Obviously family life comes first, and that's how it should be. I can't help but be hurt though. The other thing is that I'd LOVE to go over and hang out at their house and play with their babies, etc. I still want to be involved in their lives although I don't have children of my own. I don't get why that can't happen. I really don't mean to sound selfish, and I apologize if it comes across that way.

Zoe, I would hope that their exclusion of you is based on ignorance and not meaness, and if that is the case, perhaps speaking to them and letting them know you would love to be included in any get-togethers? I cannot imagine excluding someone because they don't have kids out of spite or anything, the only reason I would not think to invite someone to hang out with my family and other kids was because would I assume they were not interested! I'm sorry you are being left out.

Thanks Dreamer! I don't think it's meanness really. I just think that when people have kids, they generally gravitate towards others with kids too. It makes perfect sense and I understand. I do think that some people just assume that because you don't have kids, you'd rather not be part of a get together with moms (and/or dads) and their children. It's as if they're "sparing" those people from talking about their kids and parenthood issues. While I may not be able to relate to all of it, it's still fun to be included, play with the babies/toddlers, and just enjoy each other's company.

 

[Gothgrrl]

No kids here. I'm 42 and hubby 's turning 45. I don't know how many people keep telling me that I will change my mind. Just have one and you will be so happy. NOPE! Not going to happen. I never, ever had the urge, nor did I want children. Don't get me wrong, I really like kids, just not for me. I even knew at age 11 that I didn't want kids. I don't know why people can't just accept that some don't want kids.

So now instead of trying to explain that I am very happy just the way things are, I just say I can't have any. That way the conversation ends. My apologies to people that really can't have any. I'm just so tired of trying to explain my choices.

 

[monarch64]

I am childless, so far by choice. My mother was childless NOT by choice until she was 29--she was told by no less than EIGHT doctors that she would not be able or should not be able to bear children. She persevered, along with my father, who was 31 at the time, and they ended up conceiving a son that year, having a miscarriage two years later, and then having me when she was 34 and he was 36. To my knowledge, they never considered adoption, surrogacy, or calling it quits.

I am 33. I've been married once, for 5 years, and that marriage ended (fortunately and purposely) without children. I am now engaged to be married again and both myself and my fiance would like to have children. I am so glad I waited for the right person to bear children with/for. I've never loved someone more than I love him, and he feels the same about me. When/if we are blessed with children, it will be an absolutely joyful time in our lives. Hope my words provide a bit more insight...I wasn't exactly sure if this was a question or a poll, or what. Anyway, hope that my words help.

 

[Dandi]

DH will be 35 in December and I am 28. We are childfree by choice, we love our lives where we are now, and still have plently we want to do and see. I really had to echo what our lovely Lauren said, I'd rather wait (we're fortunate that age-wise, we have the time to wait I might add!) until it's something that we really want, rather than it just being something we always thought we'd do at some stage. Financially it makes more sense to wait, and I've always been in the camp of 'if it happens, it happens'. I know we'll have a wonderful life together, with or sans children. For now our lives are so jam packed with career/travel/other commitments, our dogs are tiding us over just nicely, and I think I make a good doggy mummy

I too am growing very weary of the constant heckling re. when we will have children/why DON'T we have them/what the fudge is wrong with us I usually just reply with 'we aren't planning on children', because we're not. Not now anyway! That usually gets people off my back for a while.

We were at a friend's wedding reception last night, and we sat next to a lovely couple who have not long had their first child. They asked us if we had any children. We answered no, and then before we even had a chance to blink they jumped down our throat with 'Oh, you HAVE to have kids!!!' You know, no consideration given to the fact that we might deperately want them, but are physically unable to have them...RUDE. It took all my strength to not poke my cutlery through their heads. DH just rolled his eyes and sucked down a whiskey and coke. No probs.

 

[Berryluv]

TGal, I've noticed this, referring to the part about how mothers exclude you as they hang out with other moms. I've been friends with a few coworkers for about 5 years. We haven't ever been super close but we used to hang out occasionally, and we were invited to each other's weddings. Then they had babies and I didn't. I was just talking to another coworker the other day about this and about how my feelings were hurt because I never hear from, hang out with, or really chat with these girls anymore, beyond a "hey, how are you, what's up?" kind of casual conversation. Obviously family life comes first, and that's how it should be. I can't help but be hurt though. The other thing is that I'd LOVE to go over and hang out at their house and play with their babies, etc. I still want to be involved in their lives although I don't have children of my own. I don't get why that can't happen. I really don't mean to sound selfish, and I apologize if it comes across that way.[/quote]

I think sometimes people with children assume that those without may not be fond of children. Maybe they think you wouldn't enjoy being at their kiddie based get togethers.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 1/2 years and people are constantly asking us when we are going to have children. We are still quite young, only 25 and 26 and we are very into our careers right now. We are simply not ready for children yet. Thankfully most people we explain this too think it's a good idea for us to wait and understand why we want to. I just wish people would not ask at all! My best friend in convinced that she never wants to have children whether she marries or not and I fully support her with that. She doesn't mind being around children, she has explained to me that she does not want the responsibility of having her own. I give her a lot of respect for realizing this and sticking to her guns about it.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I had to post on this thread, because the kids/no kids question has been a pretty big debate with me and my now ex-bf in the last two years. When we started dating three years ago, both of us were on the "yeah we want kids, but not for a long time wagon." Somehow in the next year or so he went from that to adamantly not wanting kids at all. I really loved him, and we had talked marriage and had a timeline and everything, and I tried REALLY hard for a long time to convince myself that I was ok with not having kids ever. Ultimately, in the end, I couldn't do it. I'm 24 now, and I really don't want to have children until I'm at least 30! I want my career, I want to travel, and raise several furbabies But I can't imagine not ever having children.

That said, I do see where ex-bf was coming from. His reasons were that he didn't want to take on the commitment of 18 years of child-rearing, especially the financial strain. He comes from the south, and where he lives, ALL of his friends are already married, and most have children (he's 2. He's basically seen his friends disappear into the parental blackhole, where children are what their lives (and FB posts, lol) revolve around. And he loves to travel and get up and go somewhere on short notice, etc. and you can't really do that with children. Plus he wanted to retire early and travel the world until he dies (and he'll be able to without children). So I totally see why he doesn't want kids and I think for his lifestyle, it's a good choice. But his lifestyle isn't mine. Oh and plus, he already has two nieces and a nephew. I'm an only child. If I had nieces/nephews to dote over, and my parents had other grandchildren, maybe.

Anyway, what I've definitely taken away from this is that the children issue is SUCH a huge personal choice and there isn't a right or wrong stance. I can't imagine the kind of grief that your friends or total strangers put you through in questioning your decision to have children (or in TGal's case to have only one - TGal, I'm pretty sure that unless I have twins the first time, one is enough is for me!).

 

[sirbenson]

Fiance and I are 32 and 30 respectively. We are 100% sure we don't want children. Nothing about having children or being parents to children appeals to us. We'd rather travel and raise dogs.

There are a few things that bug me about not wanting to have kids:

-the general expectation that after we get married we will want to have kids (we hear this mostly from co-workers as family and friends are pretty familiar with our choice and don't oppose). If I had a dollar for every co-worker who told me "Oh you'll change your mind. You'll want kids. You'll see" I'd be rich! But Dear Co-worker: Ummm...why would you assume that? Why would you assume you know what I'll want and that I'll change my mind? Don't you think I've given this lots of thought already? And for pete's sake....I don't go telling you that one day when you are a parent YOU will change your mind and NOT want your kids anymore so don't pull the vice versa on me.
-its as if people who don't want kids are expected to justify their choice whereas people who do have children or want them aren't expected to explain or justify. When was the last time a person revealed that they have/want kids and was faced with: "Really?. Are you sure? Why on earth? You'll come around....". Ugh.
-since when should other people be entitled to opinions on my sex life and reproductive organs and what I do with them?
-as for the "natural" or "unnatural" comments...."natural"? How is wanting to have kids or not wanting to natural OR unnatural? It just IS. If people wanna use the natural comment....well, having offspring is "natural" if you look at evolution because species need to keep reproducing to ensure their genes survive. This is not the case with humans; I don't think the human species is ANY danger of becoming extinct so its not necessary nor "natural" to overpopulate the planet.
-And why is it that its not "natural" to not want kids (i.e. frowned upon) but its "natural" to not be able to have kids (i.e. not frowned upon). So if someone assumed I couldn't have kids for biological reasons they'd feel sorry for me but if I simply didn't want kids they'd think I was weird.

/rant

 

[dragonfly411]

I'm glad these threads have been popping up b/c this is something I've started to debate with myself. Thank you for the points of view everyone!

 

[TravelingGal]

TGal, I've noticed this, referring to the part about how mothers exclude you as they hang out with other moms. I've been friends with a few coworkers for about 5 years. We haven't ever been super close but we used to hang out occasionally, and we were invited to each other's weddings. Then they had babies and I didn't. I was just talking to another coworker the other day about this and about how my feelings were hurt because I never hear from, hang out with, or really chat with these girls anymore, beyond a "hey, how are you, what's up?" kind of casual conversation. Obviously family life comes first, and that's how it should be. I can't help but be hurt though. The other thing is that I'd LOVE to go over and hang out at their house and play with their babies, etc. I still want to be involved in their lives although I don't have children of my own. I don't get why that can't happen. I really don't mean to sound selfish, and I apologize if it comes across that way.

I think sometimes people with children assume that those without may not be fond of children. Maybe they think you wouldn't enjoy being at their kiddie based get togethers.[/quote]

I know for myself, while I love my kid, I just think kids are generally exhausting and not always a blast to be around, so I really don't care to inflict them on friends without kids. That being said, for a long time, I did invite them to get togethers, with the note that I'd understand and wouldn't be offended if they didn't want to spend an afternoon with a bunch of kids. I did get politely turned down every time, so now I don't bother. But I agree that it would be nice if the invite were given out instead of just the assumption being made.

My one cousin always goes out of her way to spend time with my child, which is touching to see. I always make an effort to schedule alone time for us on the same day with no kid talk - so she comes over at 3pm and plays with Amelia until bedtime, then we either go out for dinner, or I make something nice at home and we chat til midnight. It's important to put aside dedicated time to make sure we talk about her life and her interests, which is impossible to do when there is a child running around. I think it's part of the reason she keeps coming back to visit...that it's about cultivating our friendship too.

 

[Steel]

ETA, I forgot my lead in...On the subject of other mothers...

PS is the only place I have spoken about our TTC.
I suppose it is due to our age and the length of time married, but every wife I meet who has kids at some point draws me aside to ask if I want kids and which maternity hospital we will go to and how breastfeeding is and how their child's birth was etc etc. It got so uncomfortable I actually asked DH if he had asked his buddies to ask their wives to harass me on TTC. He said no, of course because we are already TTC. It is very weird and uncomfortable. I can't get them to talk about any other subject other than babies, me havign babies and their own babies..

babiesbabiesbabiesbabiesbabiesbabiesbabiesbabiesbabies

 

[Arcadian]

When strangers ask if I have kids I laugh and say hell no! That right there keeps them from asking if I want any.

We're happy to be child free. We've been married over a decade and its the one thing we've always agreed upon without hesitation.

Its not as if I hate them, I do like them and kids really like me too (sometimes a little too much) I have a blast when kids are around...but Imma be real, I also really love it when they go back home. We're better aunt/uncle type material.

There's just too much responsibility that comes with raising a child that we just don't want.


-A

 

[elrohwen]

LtP, sorry to hear about your difficulties! You guys sound like you have a great attitude about it though and whatever happens you'll have a wonderful life together.

I definitely want to take our time and really feel ready, rather than jump into having kids because others tell us it's the next step. I never understand why people think we should start having kids just because we're now married? There are so many things we want to do as a couple and as young people before we have a kid and our lives change completely. MIL has been bringing up the issue at every family get together and even goes so far as so push us to have two (we're definitely not having more than one, when/if we have any). Ugh. Why can't she understand that it's our decision and if we tell her that we'll have a kid on our own time, then that means we'll do it on our own time? I can understand wanting a grandchild someday, but do you have to push for two before one is even close to being conceived?

My parents didn't want to have kids at all and waited 10 years before having me, so my mom is really understanding. Maybe it's genetic

And in funny friend comments about kids, when we got married one our our childless-by-choice friends said "So when are you guys having kids?" I told her not for 10 years and she said "Oh good! That means we have a lot more time to hang out with you!" Hahahaha

 

[zoebartlett]

Thanks for your thoughts Berryluv and TGal. I see your point TGal; maybe I'm more understanding than some, but I wouldn't ever see it as you "inflicting" A. on me if we spent time together. I know you may have been joking but I know that some of my friends would say the same thing.

El -- I've thought the same things as you, wondering why it's automatically expected once you're married.

 

[Haven]

Hi, Athena!

DH and I are currently childless. I'm 30, DH is 40, and we haven't tried to have children yet, but we're hoping that when we're ready we'll be able to have some.

It doesn't cause problems for us at all, though we do get a lot of pressure from our families to have some babies, already. We don't let it get to us, though, so it's not big deal. I have some friends who are in their 50s and 60s and they are very happy and childfree, so in those moments when I think "Oh my goodness, what if it doesn't happen for us?!" I think of my friends and feel very good about the possibility of a childfree life. I want children someday, so that would be ideal, but if we don't have them I'm confident that we will have full, wonderful lives together in that case, too.

 

[April20]

DH and I have chosen to be child free. We just have too many goals we have set for ourselves and too many things we would like to achieve that just aren't compatible with having children. We've been very clear about this with our familes, so we haven't gotten any grief. I take that back, my grandfather has given us grief, but he has five grandchildren and five greatgrandchilren, so it's not like he's deprived!

DH and I do have a deal though. If we accidentally have one, we'll go ahead and have two. I just don't believe in only children. I'm an all or nothing kind of gal on this front. It's either none or two for me.

 

[Imdanny]

There's a lot of people in this world. There were 200 million in the US when I was born. Now there's 300 million. I don't think anyone should be pressured to have children. Truly, if you want to you have the right and if you don't want to, there's no rational reason why anyone should be upset by it.

Edit- which is not to say if they're your spouse, parents, or grandparents that they're not entitled to their feelings, just that I don't think (actually) that people who don't have children are doing anything horrible.

 

[Gothgrrl]

I had a really good friend growing up. I supported her decision to have more children when I thought she shouldn't. She had a lot of health issues. Anyhow, she would preach to me that I should have children. That I'm denying myself, not to mention my hubby, the greatest gift of all. If I didn't want children, then why did I get married? She knew well that i never wanted any. It got so bad that every time I called her her husband would say, "Are you pregnant yet?" Needles to say that we no longer are friends. I stopped calling her because I just got tired of hearing it.

Every now and again I think about her and I say to my self that she wasn't such a good friend after all.

 

[Pandora II]

A couple of points I wanted to add to...

- Asking about when you plan to have kids: often this is just a throwaway line in the same ilk as 'where are you going on holiday' rather than an actual question. I know when I was much younger I would often ask people this - I come from a family where people get KU just by thinking about it and didn't really have any insight into fertility issues so it never occurred to me that it might be a 'bad' question. I certainly wasn't saying it in a judgemental way, just in the whole 'so you got married so when's the pitter patter of tiny feet?' kind of way.

- Waiting for the right time: I was 36 when Daisy was born (DH 34) and it was perfect timing for me. The biological clock kicked in about 6 months before we started TTC (all the fault of the PS TTC thread IMHO). Before we started trying we had decided that if it didn't happen we wouldn't go down the whole testing route etc, however when I got my period two weeks after we started trying I was devastated (ridiculous I know but there we are) and I knew then how badly I wanted a baby.

Most people who know me thought I was the most unmaternal person ever and would never have kids. I had zero interest in them. Well, turned out that I am pretty maternal afterall. Now I have a child I wouldn't give it up for anything. If we had never had children DH and I would have had a pretty great life, but I would find it very hard if something happened to DD now that I know the difference she has made to our lives.

However there are moments that I have a teeny bit of nostalgia for my old life - eg. I saw an amazing job advertised last week that I would love to do and I'm pretty well qualified for, however it involves a LOT of travelling overseas and that just isn't possible right now (what age does boarding school take them??? ). It was also a huge shock when my former employer tried to make me redundant (illegally) when I got pregnant - for the first time ever I was 'unemployable' - no-one takes on a woman whose 4 months pg and gives them a year's maternity leave. I suddenly felt very vulnerable and helpless.

Inviting child-free people over: when you have kids a certain amount of 'babybabybaby' conversation strikes even the best of us and you feel guilty about being so obsessed around 'normal' people. Being with other parents means that you can sit and discuss nappy brands without feeling you're weird (I witnessed my husband and 3 male friends discussing just that for nearly 20 minutes! ). Plus babies and small kids can be a total PITA to be around and you don't always want to inflict that on people you like but who don't have equally horrible little darlings. It's not that you don't like or want to see your old friends.

 

[TravelingGal]

However there are moments that I have a teeny bit of nostalgia for my old life .

I have LOTS of these moments. TONS. So much so that I'm starting to plan a trip to Scotland right now because I miss the process of traveling so much. My trip to Scotland will be, er, October 2012.

 

[partgypsy]

Gosh, some of you know some awfully rude people! Other than my husband's grandmother, we got no questions asking us if or whether or when we would have children. Grandparents, it's understandable they would ask. Anyone else, I would think there could be so many personal reasons for a person not to have children that anyone would continue that conversation past that point is beyond me.

Actually the rudest comment I had was visiting my aunt and uncle with my first child, towards the end of the visit my aunt pulling me aside, shaking her head telling me I shouldn't have any more kids. I kept running it over my head, did I look that tired? Is it because I am not as well off? Does she not approve of (my side of the family/me/my husband?) As it was out of the blue and at the time I wasn't even intending on having more children, it seemed really presumptuous.

 

[Beacon]

TWO DAYS IN A ROW I have now been asked when we were having kids.

Nobody asks me those questions anymore... I guess It's because of my answer which was: "And when was the last time you had sex?"

Sometimes you just have to be rude...as much rude as they are

OMG - that's funny!!

 

[monarch64]

Erm, am I the only one who would NEVER EVER ask someone when they plan to have children (in the first place) or when they plan to have seconds, thirds, fourths? I mean, I hate to sound SNOTTY, but I was raised by a woman who informed me that proper etiquette states that you MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX.

ETA: at the risk of being flamed or something equally yucky, my above sentiments weren't directed towards any individual. Many thanks.

 

[AnneinGA]

It is interesting to read this thread and see how people post about themselves. Most people who want children but do not yet have them call themselves "childless" and those who are happy to not have any are "childfree".

There were some posts on this thread about people who lose friends because of their children-status. I have children, but have friends who do not both by choice and not by choice and are still trying. I have seen friendships change regardless of whether or not there are children in the equation. Some new parents stop wanting to have a life outside their offspring; and some without offspring choose to not socialize with those who do, either for the annoyance or lack of flexibility factor or because they don't want to be reminded of what they do not have.

My husband and I are our second marriage (we each have a 13 year old boy from our first marriages) and then we have a daughter together, 4. The only time it ever got strange with our daughter was when a friend who had been trying to conceive found out I was pregnant. I felt so bad and she felt even worse. It was hard to stay friends and she has since moved on and is still "child less".

I really respect those who are childfree and happily so, and who respond, when asked if they have children "No, Thank you". That's priceless! Thanks

 

[Laila619]

Erm, am I the only one who would NEVER EVER ask someone when they plan to have children (in the first place) or when they plan to have seconds, thirds, fourths?

I know, what rude and nosy questions!

I also find it highly irritating and inappropriate when people question a couple's decision to be childfree by choice. They look at you as though you have two heads. Well, not everyone has a burning desire to have a rugrat or two, and that's perfectly okay! I wonder if secretly the person with children is jealous of their unencumbered lifestyle, because otherwise why would she care if a couple chooses to be childfree?!

 

[zoebartlett]

I don't really think the types of questions such as, "when are you having kids?" and "are you planning on having a family?" are rude. I think people mean well and they're just curious. Yes, it gets annoying if you're trying and haven't been successful, or if you're not planning on having children, but I don't get upset when asked. Sometimes I get a little nervous because I'm not sure what to say or how to answer, but I think that's just because we've been on the fence for so long and now we have to make a decision. I do feel put on the spot, I suppose.

Honestly, I don't think I was ever taught to not ask, but I think it's something that you pick up when having conversations with others.

 

[IdLikeToBuyAVal]

I don't really think the types of questions such as, "when are you having kids?" and "are you planning on having a family?" are rude.

I've ranted on this thread a couple of times already but I can't emphasize enough that it isn't the "are you planning on having a family" questions that upset me. The "when are you having kids" upsets me. It's the presumption that of course we will have children that first slightly annoys me and in our case is usually followed by some sort of condescending or "what's wrong with you" type of remark, which I find incredibly rude. While I get tired of being asked if we will have a family, I would never be rude to someone for asking. After all, obviously most people DO have kids. It's all about the phrasing and how the person approaches it.

I really wish I had the guts to ask the rude people how often they have sex or something equally personal and prying but I don't think I could do it without turning 10 shades of crimson