Are you childless?

[Lislis89]

I think it is just the way people are sometimes, they are just curious to see or know what to expect next, usually as humans we dont like things to be to surprising or different from what we are used to. I hope people dont mean to be rude if they ask when will you have children? (definately rude if they give you the horrible after-stare) but just to find out, you could say in two years or never and they would get the idea!

For example yes I plan to have children as does my partner... But at this point in our lives we arent going to (as we are only in our early 20s) but it always seems we get questions in a certain order....

Are you engaged? No...
Will You get engaged? Yes...
When would you get married then? Within a Year of getting engaged....
Will you start a Family together? Yes.....
When will you start a family?.....

People can sometimes have the same reaction if people are in a fantastics, committed and loving relationship and have been for some time but do not ever wish to get married! Theres a presumption there that we HAVE to get married, just like after that fact we HAVE to have children....

Just something to think about

 

[violet3]

I'm not childless, but I went through similar questioning when we decided to stay a one child family and have a thread in FHH that shares my thoughts.

But yes, you're right, it IS a choice.

And when one chooses to go the path that isn't the norm (used to be 2.5 kids here in the U.S., but I think it's now 1. you get questioned. Someone wisely pointed that out in my thread. Another PSer on my thread said that people on a basic level just want their choices validated. I think that's true too. THEY'VE had kids, so they don't understand why others don't...it's not "natural" as you say.

As for your question about friction - as long as you and DH are in agreement about where you're going, you should be fine. Yes, you'll find that your friends with kids start excluding you as they start hanging out with others who can provide diversions for their little monsters (which means people who have monsters too). Don't take it personally. Oftentimes mothers don't want to put non mothers out with their kids and playgroup dates. Take more time to do things with your DH and others who either don't have kids, or value time without their kids. And of course, enjoy the time to develop your own hobbies and interests!

I know it's weird that people ask such personal questions like what your breeding plans are, but it's just a fact of life. If they ask, just say no you are not having kids. If they ask why, simply say my decisions are personal.

I recently got followed out of my friends house by her mother, practically scolding me on what I need to have another child. Yes, it's annoying, but I know in my heart my husband and I made the right decision for us. We don't have to answer to anyone, and people will learn to deal with it.

TGal, I've noticed this, referring to the part about how mothers exclude you as they hang out with other moms. I've been friends with a few coworkers for about 5 years. We haven't ever been super close but we used to hang out occasionally, and we were invited to each other's weddings. Then they had babies and I didn't. I was just talking to another coworker the other day about this and about how my feelings were hurt because I never hear from, hang out with, or really chat with these girls anymore, beyond a "hey, how are you, what's up?" kind of casual conversation. Obviously family life comes first, and that's how it should be. I can't help but be hurt though. The other thing is that I'd LOVE to go over and hang out at their house and play with their babies, etc. I still want to be involved in their lives although I don't have children of my own. I don't get why that can't happen. I really don't mean to sound selfish, and I apologize if it comes across that way.

Youre not selfish. here's what i think about this, and i COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from Zoe -- I also have no children, but have many friends who do. I think many people who have children would assume you/me aren't interested in hanging with the mom's club, or that it would be strange or an inconvenience for you/me to spend our free time doing things with kis -- it's probably much easier to join together with other women who have kids and similar schedules. To this i say "screw it." I don't have kids, but i CHOOSE to be a big part of the children of my friends in my life. I dont' mean that you DON'T choose to - i mean, that i make it overly obvious becaue you/i have to at this point. People with babies and children are SO absorbed (and they should be) that they're only thinking from day to day, or minute to minute.

One of my best friends (and bridesmaid) has a 2 year old. I and one other friend were her only bridesmaids -- to this day, she and the other bridesmaid have drifted apart. We, however, have not -- but we do EVERYTHING on their schedule. I am not bitter, or angry about this -- it is the ONLY way it will work. I find out the napping, playing schedule, and I make it a point to be there, whenever my schedule permits. I don't think i'm overbearing, but i make it a point to make sure they understand my desire to be a part of their lives, even if it means i have to work around them. As a result, they call or text me all the time saying - "baby is up - come over! she wants to see you!"

My sister has a 6 month old, whom she tried to conceive for 5 years. my sister and i talk on the phone every day -- these days the entire conversation consists of her talking to the baby while i stay on the phone. Sometimes it's tough. But when we can get together, i make the most of it, and i don't care if i'm an inconvenience. I'll say "i have a few hours. I REALLY want to see baby X." I have to go to her, but i don't care, and the truth is that any mother would be thrilled that someone would be so happy to see their child that they'll do anything to make it happen. but they wouldn't want to burden you, as many (other) people don't want to give up their free time in trade for baby visiting.

I love the kids in my life, but i fight to be a part of it every day, as opposed to them fighting to keep me there. I have no problems with this, but I understand that it is what it is. Those kids are worth it - the friends are worth it - and at this point, i'm the only one with enough free time or flexibility to make it happen. But i ALWAYS make it known that "i want to be there. how do i make that happen?" Like i said, people will LOVE that you want to spend time with their child -- they just probably don't want to inconvenience you.

 

[monarch64]

I didn't mean to create any controversy with my previous reply. I was being somewhat facetious but mainly sincere. I do not think that people are intentionally being rude by asking (imo presumptuously) whether someone is planning to have children, how many, etc. I was just raised to be respectful of people's personal business and not to pry. The way I approach people is to ask what their plans for the future are, rather than asking them about specifics. I really don't mean to imply that I think it's wrong or rude to ask someone when their wedding date is, or when they will start TTC, or whatever. Contrary to what my last post on this thread might have implied, I don't have a problem with answering questions myself about those sorts of things, but I do find myself a bit annoyed after hearing the same question over and over again if I don't have a standard response, or an actual plan!

My parents had a really hard time TTC and then staying pregnant, so perhaps I am a bit more sensitive than others about the posing of "when will you have children?" question. Alternately, I really respect people who are childless by choice and if I don't know someone pretty intimately, I just don't want to go there at all. Plus, it's been my experience that if people really want to talk about their decisions regarding children, they'll tell you all about it anydamnway.

ETA: also, it was way tougher in my twenties to be childless while people I knew were getting married and then having babies right away, while I was on a different track. Now that I'm in my early thirties, I have noticed that it just doesn't bother me much that I can't have long, late-night talks with my girl friends, or that we can't go out and hang like we used to. It's just become a part of life in my mind and I'm much more accepting and far less, "wow, so-and-so just doesn't have time for me anymore."

We do tend to spend more time with couples who have children who are teenagers or older these days. I kind of worry about those friendships once WE have children and our lifestyle changes completely. So the flip side of NOT being childless must be just as difficult socially!

 

[loriken214]

I do not have children. My ex husband couldn't father children due to congenital birth defects and we didn't know this until we were married for seven years. By this time, the marriage was already in trouble and adoption was out of the question. We divorced after 10 1/2 years.

DH and I married when I was 35 and he was 38. We TTC right after we married, but found out that I had medical issues soon after. I was diagnosed with SLE Lupus and the medicines I had to take made it extremely difficult to become pregnant. There would be severe damage to the baby if I became pregnant while on these medications. My rheumatologist is convinced that I have had a miscarriage at some point, but I don't know if/when it happened. My cycles had always been very heavy with clots and were very painful.

Long story short, I was later diagnosed with fibroids in my uterus and a cyst on my right ovary and had to have a complete hysterectomy at 44.

It wasn't for lack of TTC on my part. Due to my serious health issues, I probably won't live to be an old lady and there are days that I can hardly get out of bed. Adoption is once again out of the question since I can barely take care of myself much less bring a child into this life. DH is in complete agreement with me since he sees what I go through on a daily basis.

I struggled with this situation for a very long time and it really tore me apart. I prayed about it and realized that my DH has become my rock and we're closer now than ever. We went through the "where are your kids" questions for years and now I explain why we don't have any and it doesn't bother me so much anymore.....cause I'm spreading the word about SLE Lupus.

Lori

 

[zoebartlett]

Monnie -- I didn't think you were trying to stir anything up. People see it differently; some get upset and others don't.

Val -- I can see both sides. People are interested so they ask questions. They could ask you and me the same question and we might feel very differently about being asked it.

ETA: Val -- of course, I do agree that the way things are phrased can make all the difference. If it's more of a "What's wrong with you for not wanting/having kids?" type of question, I'd probably be offended too.

 

[zoebartlett]

Violet -- thanks so much for your detailed reply! It sounds like you and I are alike in this way. The only difference is, sometimes my feelings have been hurt a little. I need to get a thicker skin and not take it so personally at times.

Lori -- thanks for sharing you personal story.

 

[loriken214]

Violet -- thanks so much for your detailed reply! It sounds like you and I are alike in this way. The only difference is, sometimes my feelings have been hurt a little. I need to get a thicker skin and not take it so personally at times.

Lori -- thanks for sharing you personal story.

One more thing....the steroids I have to take for my SLE caused me to gain 80 pounds in six months and I gained a "moon face" in the process. I have had complications from gallbladder surgery in my abdomen and it is swollen from cellulitis that I am still fighting. I used to get the "when is your baby due" question all of the time. It would make me cringe at first and I always wanted to say "in 12 months," but I just couldn't say it. One ignorant woman insisted that I was pregnant no matter what I said!

As I get older, and wiser, I realize that I do not owe anyone an explanation about anything if it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!

Lori

 

[violet3]

Violet -- thanks so much for your detailed reply! It sounds like you and I are alike in this way. The only difference is, sometimes my feelings have been hurt a little. I need to get a thicker skin and not take it so personally at times.

Lori -- thanks for sharing you personal story.

Zoe -- i understand getting your feelings hurt. It's happened to me many times too -- I guess though, after a while i learned to take it with a grain of salt. I understand now that if my friends and/or my sister hang up on me (and this has happened with all of them) while i am in the middle of telling them a problem i have over the phone - it's not about me. And for the most part, i know they won't remember to call me back and ask about it, but that's ok -- i have other friends i can talk to. I am a VERY sensitive person by nature, so i guess i just actually did develop a thicker skin

I realized that i never answered the original question -- i am childless. I have no idea whether it is by choice or not (yet). I was married less than a year ago and i am now 34. My sister spent 5 years trying to conceive my awesome nephew, and i am pretty sure it won't be easy for me to conceive - my mom had trouble too. I work a lot -- not because i want to, but because it is necessary for our household. My income was cut by more than half a few years ago, and I had to supplement my/our income by getting extra jobs. But there is just no way that we could financially afford for me to quit any of my jobs or cut back right now. while i know i am losing time and not getting any younger, I also know that right now it isn't a possibility for us.

I love kids (we both do) and i think we would be great parents. My DH and i both agree that we COULD be happy with just the two of us and our dog -- i think if the situation were different and we were financially stable, we would have tried many times over by now. I struggle with that -- i don't want to look back and think "i wish i had a child," but i know i might. I also am not ready to try having a child right now just because i MIGHT not be able to later.

 

[AdanaEsq]

I'm childless. I would like to have kids in the future though. I fully respect those who are child free and I have a few friends who have made this choice. I may ask someone if they have kids but if they say no, I don't go into further detail. If they want to give info then they will. At my age, I still find it hilarious when people think I hate kids or tell me I should have a kid soon. Granted I'm getting older and 30 is around the corner but I think it's pretty rude for people to go there.

 

[Liane]

I'm childless, glad for it, will never change my mind.

Thinking about getting a tubal ligation when I'm 30 (asked about it at my annual gyn checkup this year) but may just stay on the pill long-term since my doctor says it has some health benefits and no real detriments given my overall medical profile.