Are you close to your Future FMIL (or FMIL / MIL)?

[Bia]

I was wondering how close you are to your FMILs? And if it's smart to not be too close. Here is what happened...

Some info about the weekend, so you can see why everyone was in such a great mood.

Saturday my BF's family took me out to celebrate finals being over and the first successful year in grad school. It was great, especially because EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY. Between the new baby (BF's new nephew and his parent's first grandchild), me and school, and I think his parents seeing how happy, and involved in loving relationships, their children are. We spent a lot of time with his parents and sister (and her new fam) this weekend, PLUS his mother had a beautiful and delicious cake made for me from this fantastic french bakery in the city (had to mention the chocolate cake). ANYWAY...I always go off on these tangents.

So yesterday, we all went out to Easthampton for a Memorial Day BBQ at his aunt's house--its a hike and a half but so much fun! I was having a blast with the baby (everyone is calling me "Tia"--"Aunt" in Spanish--EVEN though we aren't engaged yet which I think is so sweet) and talking to his cousins who almost all live out on LI. We don't see them often and they are fun to talk engagement/marriage stuff with. Their excuse is they live vicariously through me as they are married with a bunch of kids LOL!!! It was all great fun. EXCEPT i]>> his one cousin's wife always has something to say about me (in particular) and BF and the family. Now, she isn't exactly the family favorite. She has a bad past with BF's aunt (and the family, really) and they do not get along--not beyond being polite in public. Not to go too much into detail, suffice it to say, she would never win the BEST Daughter-in-Law Award, AND there is a very good reason why. I will leave it to your very intuitive imaginations.

Well, as she was telling me about her life--how it sucks, how her kids drive her to have anxiety attacks, how her cruise was a disaster--I was trying to play nice. I told her if she is having panic attacks she needs to talk to someone because she wouldn't want to have one happen while she's with the kids, driving them around or something, God forbid. As she pretended to be nice, and I pretended to think she was being sincere, my BF's mother comes up behind me and puts her arms around me. She was probably trying to rescue me from the conversation, but kudos to her, if she was, b/c she did it very casually. She hugged and kissed my cheek and then hung around sort of braiding my hair while we talked. It wasn't intrusive or rude at all. Anyway, FMIL eventually left to help her sister get food on the table. When out of nowhere, the cousin's wife says to me, "That was so weird!--makes HUGE BUG EYES-- Doesn't it make you uncomfortable that she is all over you???!!!" I thought to myself, "WHOA, WHAT?"

because I was confused for a minute. Then she said, "you need to be very careful as to how close you get with her, you never want to let her in on everything, otherwise she will ruin your marriage." I was confused by her comments and a little irritated but I just laughed it off and excused myself to use the restroom. Well, unfortunately, I am not slick and BF noticed me from across the table (big table) and gave me a look like "what just happened?" but I didn't want to tell him because he already doesn't like her...

Now, I know his cousin-in-law is probably not the happiest. Maybe she is overwhelmed, maybe she is in a rut, or depressed, who knows? But I thought it was interesting that she made it a point to tell me that. I mean, this is her husband's beloved aunt she is talking about!

So what do you all think? Can you be too close to your future in-laws? Are you very close, or not at all? My mother said she might be jealous, hence the crazy conversation. I would love to get opinions across the "table"...so roll with it...

 

[Lauren8211]

I am not very close with my FMIL right now. But really, as an INFJ personality,I''m an introvert who lets no one in. BUUUTTT.. we''re working on it!

The only person who can ruin your marriage is you or your husband. Even with outside factors, if you guys always work as a team and put each other''s best interests first, then you have nothing to worry about.

If you''re comfortable with a close relationship, then I say go for it. It never hurts to have another person on your side, and besides, wouldnt you want to be close with someone who raised the man you want to marry?

Good Luck! And try to never take advice from cynics or otherwise unhappy people.

 

[FrekeChild]

I won''t have a MIL. She passed away in November 2005. I also don''t think my FF wil have a MIL either, because I don''t know that my mom can hold out for much past a wedding, if she even makes it that far.

However I''m always worried about my FSIL, because she''s got issues with depression and sometimes we wonder if she''s also bi-polar. But FF knows all about this, and she doesn''t worry him.

Oh yeah, his dad remarried (don''t get me started) but she hasn''t exactly been embraced by the family, and both FF and FSIL refer to her as "dad''s wife" and would NEVER refer to her as "stepmother". Never ever. Ugh. Family drama. Even without MILs!!!

 

[absolut_blonde]

I think I can identify a bit. SO''s SIL seems to have... some issues with my FMIL. It kind of threw me when I first found out -- much like it threw you to see how your cousin reacted so strongly! Even this past weekend, FSIL was visibly annoyed with FMIL for something completely innocent, to the point where it baffled me.

On the one hand, I TRY to give FSIL the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it is different once you plan a wedding and get married. Also, she lives in the same town as FMIL so maybe that affects things too.

Yet, I just don''t get it! FMIL is very, very nice. Not intrusive as far as I have seen -- and at 1 year in, I''ve spent a considerable amount of time with her and SO''s family. (Particularly because my would-be FFIL passed away last October and I took nearly a week off work to spend with him/his fam at his parents'' house). She just doesn''t fit the bill of the pushy, nosy, annoying, overbearing MIL that so many complain about. Maybe I''m just more laid back or something.

Only time will tell, I guess. I think that SO and I are fortunate in that we have no real friction/issues with our families. Conversely, I think FBIL and FSIL both have issues with one another''s families. I know that FBIL finds FSIL''s family overbearing too, whereas SO has no issues with mine (as far as I know, haha; but my parents are also NOT intrusive so I can''t imagine he would). So maybe it just depends on the people.


Anyway, that was a bit of a tangent! I don''t see anything wrong with being close to a MIL, so long as she respects boundaries.

 

[gwendolyn]

Bia, sounds to me like either she's just jealous, or maybe she's not a touchy-feely person, so that kind of attention would freak her out if someone had done it to her. I am very friendly with everyone, but I do get kind of skeeved out if someone is very touchy with me and I do not know them very well. But what it comes down to is that, as long as you and your FMIL were both comfortable with it--as you were and she certainly seems to have been--then who cares what this chick thinks?

J's mom is very open and caring with me. She constantly refers to me as 'Aunty Kris' (my real name is Kristin, in case that confuses anyone

), always goes out of her way to show me the warmest hospitality when I stay at her house (she is a FANTASTIC cook and will always make my favourite dishes when I am there), and she has been beyond generous in her gifts to me. She's told me that she considers her home my home-away-from-home, which has been nice to have while spending the year in another country from my family. She does drive me a bit batty at times, but overall she is a very lovely woman.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 2:42:09 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Bia, sounds to me like either she's just jealous, or maybe she's not a touchy-feely person, so that kind of attention would freak her out if someone had done it to her. I am very friendly with everyone, but I do get kind of skeeved out if someone is very touchy with me and I do not know them very well. But what it comes down to is that, as long as you and your FMIL were both comfortable with it--as you were and she certainly seems to have been--then who cares what this chick thinks?

J's mom is very open and caring with me. She constantly refers to me as 'Aunty Kris' (my real name is Kristin, in case that confuses anyone

), always goes out of her way to show me the warmest hospitality when I stay at her house (she is a FANTASTIC cook and will always make my favourite dishes when I am there), and she has been beyond generous in her gifts to me. She's told me that she considers her home my home-away-from-home, which has been nice to have while spending the year in another country from my family. She does drive me a bit batty at times, but overall she is a very lovely woman.

I agree. I think part of my needing to be close to them is that my family is not close by (4-5 hours away

), so it makes me feel better to have his family around. And yes, I was raised in a very affectionate household. That was something I loved about my BF, his being so affectionate, I mean. Definitely a characteristic I need in a significant other.

I get what you're saying. The cousin always has her mother around, they are like the undynamic duo, and for some reason, they both are kind of catty with the family...but as I said, there is history there...the really ugly kind. I always wanted to have a great relationship with my in-laws because I saw how the bad kind can destroy families. So I am thankful to have a great one with his parents. I just wanted to know if you all thought the cousin's words were bitchy (or if FMILs actions were bizarre?) since many people, from what I have seen and heard, might or might not have similar experiences.
That, and I always think too hard on what others say to me...>>

 

[ladypirate]

My FMIL and I get along really well, but she''s also one of the sweetest people I''ve ever met--very non-controlling, non-judgemental, easy going, etc.

In your case, I think your FSIL is just jealous. Let it go and chalk it up to her being odd. FF and I are both really close to our and each other''s families, and it''s one of my favorite things about our relationship. Being close with your inlaws certainly does not spell disaster--it can be a really positive thing, imho.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/27/2008 3:19:21 PM
Author: Bia
I agree. I think part of my needing to be close to them is that my family is not close by (4-5 hours away

), so it makes me feel better to have his family around. And yes, I was raised in a very affectionate household. That was something I loved about my BF, his being so affectionate, I mean. Definitely a characteristic I need in a significant other.


I get what you're saying. The cousin always has her mother around, they are like the undynamic duo, and for some reason, they both are kind of catty with the family...but as I said, there is history there...the really ugly kind. I always wanted to have a great relationship with my in-laws because I saw how the bad kind can destroy families. So I am thankful to have a great one with his parents. I just wanted to know if you all thought the cousin's words were bitchy (or if FMILs actions were bizarre?) since many people, from what I have seen and heard, might or might not have similar experiences.

That, and I always think too hard on what others say to me...>>

Generally I think people act the way the cousin acts because they are unhappy on some level. It's like the people who used to bully others in school--you don't make snide comments unless you're trying to get a cheap thrill off making someone else feel badly because of something *you* said. It's a power trip. And if everyone pretends to get along but doesn't really, well, she's probably harbouring some deep resentment towards any number of people in the family. AND, if they are open and loving of *you*, who is (perhaps in her eyes) more of an outsider than she is, a blood relative, then that could be why she has directed some of her negativity towards you.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 3:28:47 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/27/2008 3:19:21 PM
Author: Bia
I agree. I think part of my needing to be close to them is that my family is not close by (4-5 hours away

), so it makes me feel better to have his family around. And yes, I was raised in a very affectionate household. That was something I loved about my BF, his being so affectionate, I mean. Definitely a characteristic I need in a significant other.


I get what you''re saying. The cousin always has her mother around, they are like the undynamic duo, and for some reason, they both are kind of catty with the family...but as I said, there is history there...the really ugly kind. I always wanted to have a great relationship with my in-laws because I saw how the bad kind can destroy families. So I am thankful to have a great one with his parents. I just wanted to know if you all thought the cousin''s words were bitchy (or if FMILs actions were bizarre?) since many people, from what I have seen and heard, might or might not have similar experiences.

That, and I always think too hard on what others say to me...>>

Generally I think people act the way the cousin acts because they are unhappy on some level. It''s like the people who used to bully others in school--you don''t make snide comments unless you''re trying to get a cheap thrill off making someone else feel badly because of something *you* said. It''s a power trip. And if everyone pretends to get along but doesn''t really, well, she''s probably harbouring some deep resentment towards any number of people in the family. AND, if they are open and loving of *you*, who is (perhaps in her eyes) more of an outsider than she is, a blood relative, then that could be why she has directed some of her negativity towards you.

No...maybe I wrote it wrong...she''s not a blood relative. She''s an outsider like me too--married to my BF''s cousin. But yea, my mother said that too. Maybe, because of the resentment, she wants me to be on the other side of the fence with her...

 

[Octavia]

I also think your FSIL is jealous, and I think it''s important to be on good terms with your in-laws. I''m sure that my parents had occasional grumbles about their in-laws, but growing up I just knew that everyone got along. My family all lived pretty close to each other, so we would have all of the grandparents to dinner sometimes, and see them all on holidays. My grandmas would even sometimes go to lunch together.

Unfortunately, FI''s family lives halfway across the world, so I don''t have much of a relationship with them. I know his dad and we get along well, but his mother doesn''t really maintain a relationship with her children and I''ve never met her. Not sure if/when I ever will. It makes me sad sometimes that I won''t have a MIL for all intents and purposes, but I guess it''s better than having an evil one who is always around!

 

[Bia]

Thanks Ladies...appreciate the input. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that FFMIL is so wonderful.

Just to be clear, its not my FSIL--she''s great and I love her to death--its my BF''s cousin''s wife. So my BF''s cousin-in-law? LOL Basically the only reason she''s even important to this whole thing is because my BF''s family is very close, so the fact that she tries to conspire with me is irritating, to say the least.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/27/2008 3:37:22 PM
Author: Bia
No...maybe I wrote it wrong...she's not a blood relative. She's an outsider like me too--married to my BF's cousin. But yea, my mother said that too. Maybe, because of the resentment, she wants me to be on the other side of the fence with her...

Ok. Even if she isn't a blood relative, it still sounds like she's got some resentment that you're being treated the way she (probably) wants to be treated. Both of you are originally from outside the family, but you're the one they love, and she's the one they talk about in whispers behind her back. You haven't done anything wrong, so don't let her get under your skin.

PS: What's FFMIL? I know FMIL = Future Mother In Law, so what's the extra F?

 

[Livinthedream]

style="WIDTH: 96.64%; HEIGHT: 131px">Date: 5/27/2008 2:19:57 PM
Author: Lauren8211

The only person who can ruin your marriage is you or your husband. Even with outside factors, if you guys always work as a team and put each other''s best interests first, then you have nothing to worry about.

I do not have a FMIL either. She passed several years ago, but it''s weird this came up b/c a friend of mine has issues with her in-laws and they are getting worse. She mentioned just today, about telling her husband the rift his family was causing and the long term effects it could have on their marriage....to the point where she said if we aren''t together in 5 years- it''ll be b/c of your family. PLEASE don''t dive into the psychiatry of all that (it''s much deeper). I mention that only b/c I think problems in family can cause rifts in marriages. I think it is important to be open and share with your MIL to the extent you are comfortable with. She is going to be a part of your life, and it won''t do you any good to have anything unneccessary between you. Also, my mom and my brother''s ex-wife hated other. It was a huge conflict and it took a massive toll on my brother.
In the cousin-in-laws case, I think negativity breeds off of itself and she seems the downer type. Maybe not a great person to model any relationships after. I think it''s great the type of relationship you have with SO''s mom. Another person that loves you sounds pretty nice!

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 3:46:48 PM
Author: gwendolyn

PS: What's FFMIL? I know FMIL = Future Mother In Law, so what's the extra F?

LOL...FUTURE Future Mother-in-Law LOL...I made it up I guess??? hehehehe. So many acronyms for everything...just doing my part

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 3:47:46 PM
Author: Livinthedream

In the cousin-in-laws case, I think negativity breeds off of itself and she seems the downer type. Maybe not a great person to model any relationships after. I think it''s great the type of relationship you have with SO''s mom. Another person that loves you sounds pretty nice!

True. I should chalk it up to her being unhappy, and maybe uncomfortable seeing her "aunt-in-law" (lol) hugging me when she is not that close to her, even after knowing her for 13+ years. However, that is of her own doing--if the story happened like I was told. I don''t think she knows that I know what happened and why there is a secret resentment there. That could be why she always flocks to me when she sees me and why she makes comments like the one she did.

Ah well...I just wish I didn''t let things like this affect me.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/27/2008 3:46:41 PM
Author: Bia
Thanks Ladies...appreciate the input. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that FFMIL is so wonderful.

Just to be clear, its not my FSIL--she''s great and I love her to death--its my BF''s cousin''s wife. So my BF''s cousin-in-law? LOL Basically the only reason she''s even important to this whole thing is because my BF''s family is very close, so the fact that she tries to conspire with me is irritating, to say the least.

Yeah, I just threw in the SIL comparison because it was the closest I had to draw in. Plus, like your SO''s family, my SO''s family is all super-close. His cousins are like his sisters, etc. So it''s almost the same in their case

I know what you mean about attempting to conspire. When FSIL makes comments, I''m just like uh.... leave me out of this!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/27/2008 3:59:53 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 5/27/2008 3:47:46 PM

Author: Livinthedream


In the cousin-in-laws case, I think negativity breeds off of itself and she seems the downer type. Maybe not a great person to model any relationships after. I think it''s great the type of relationship you have with SO''s mom. Another person that loves you sounds pretty nice!

True. I should chalk it up to her being unhappy, and maybe uncomfortable seeing her ''aunt-in-law'' (lol) hugging me when she is not that close to her, even after knowing her for 13+ years. However, that is of her own doing--if the story happened like I was told. I don''t think she knows that I know what happened and why there is a secret resentment there. That could be why she always flocks to me when she sees me and why she makes comments like the one she did.


Ah well...I just wish I didn''t let things like this affect me.

It''s also possible this cousin a) doesn''t see things the way the rest of the family does (about herself and whatever happened), and b) doesn''t expect you to treat her the way they do, if she doesn''t know you ''know her deep dark past'' or whatever. Not having any details of what went on and guessing it isn''t something you could walk up to her and talk about openly, there''s not a whole lot to be said, except that I''d be inclined to at least try to be a little nice to her. Maybe she''s this bitter, resentful person because people haven''t let her move past her mistakes? She sounds tiresome, but she might really just be hurting for someone to give her the benefit of the doubt and not treat her like crap. If that''s the case, she''s not going about it the best way, but if she always gets the cold shoulder at family functions and has for 13 years, I might try and find a speck of sympathy and maybe try to kill her with kindness. Could possibly make her less snarky, and you might find out she''s just putting on a tough face because she''s always had to around that group.

Sorry if you think I''m psycho-analyzing this too far, but there are always reasons behind why people act the way they do, and I think, more often than not, it''s because they''re hurting in some way. And I have sympathy for them.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 4:11:27 PM
Author: gwendolyn

It's also possible this cousin a) doesn't see things the way the rest of the family does (about herself and whatever happened), and b) doesn't expect you to treat her the way they do, if she doesn't know you 'know her deep dark past' or whatever. Not having any details of what went on and guessing it isn't something you could walk up to her and talk about openly, there's not a whole lot to be said, except that I'd be inclined to at least try to be a little nice to her. Maybe she's this bitter, resentful person because people haven't let her move past her mistakes? She sounds tiresome, but she might really just be hurting for someone to give her the benefit of the doubt and not treat her like crap. If that's the case, she's not going about it the best way, but if she always gets the cold shoulder at family functions and has for 13 years, I might try and find a speck of sympathy and maybe try to kill her with kindness. Could possibly make her less snarky, and you might find out she's just putting on a tough face because she's always had to around that group.

Sorry if you think I'm psycho-analyzing this too far, but there are always reasons behind why people act the way they do, and I think, more often than not, it's because they're hurting in some way. And I have sympathy for them.

Totally agree. I am all for being nice. When I first met her, I thought she was the nicest person. I've been with BF for 6 years so I have known her for a few, although seen her a lot more in the last two years or so. She has problems. She is unhappy, that I get and its fine because everyone has something. I always tried to talk to her, from the heart, because 1.) I think I am a kind-hearted individual and 2.) I am a psych major and therefore feel that I too should psychoanalyze lol ...and any concern I have for someone else, is genuine. Its been the last few times I have seen her that she makes comments. Not snarky, but inappropriate. Like about what I might be wearing or my hair, or how I live--she likes to say, " Well, 'City' girls are different than us LI girls." If you read between the lines, it is obvious she is not saying what she really wants to say. She DID have the guts to say something to me one day about living with my BF (before marriage), how she WOULD never do that and subtly insinuated that people might not think BF wants to marry me if we move in together before marriage. Which could be true I guess, but why say it?

So I get that she may be unhappy. I am still always nice to her because who wants to be the outsider? No one. Far be it from me to want to make anyone feel bad on purpose, thats just not my style. Whatever happened, happened long before I was even in the picture, so its all good in my book. Just to mess with me personally, then it's not all good.

 

[gwendolyn]

Then don''t let her get to you. You''re doing as much for her as you can. Just keep killing her with kindness, and maybe one day she will come around.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 4:33:06 PM
Author: gwendolyn
Then don''t let her get to you. You''re doing as much for her as you can. Just keep killing her with kindness, and maybe one day she will come around.

You''re so levelheaded Gwennie. I wish I was more like that. My mother has been telling me FOR YEARS that I shouldn''t let people''s negativity get in, but I always let it anyway.

I will do my best to be the bigger person. Scouts honor...

 

[FrekeChild]

I have to tell you Bia, you''ve got me wondering about this deep dark past of hers.

I think she''s jealous of your closeness to your FMIL as well.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/27/2008 4:40:46 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 5/27/2008 4:33:06 PM

Author: gwendolyn

Then don''t let her get to you. You''re doing as much for her as you can. Just keep killing her with kindness, and maybe one day she will come around.

You''re so levelheaded Gwennie. I wish I was more like that. My mother has been telling me FOR YEARS that I shouldn''t let people''s negativity get in, but I always let it anyway.


I will do my best to be the bigger person. Scouts honor...

Hey, I know full well it''s easier to say than it is to do! I sometimes have trouble with it myself, which is why it''s easy to see it when other people have the same thing going on.

Seriously, though, you ARE doing all you can to make life easier on her, which is not something you HAVE to do in your situation. It''s the nice thing to do, and sometimes people just need a little extra kindness to help bring out the best in them. Sometimes not!

But it''s always worth a try, I think.

 

[Bia]

Put it this way Freke, she broke her vows. MIL (my BF''s aunt) caught her in the act...spilled the beans and WWIII happened out in LI.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/27/2008 4:54:08 PM
Author: Bia
Put it this way Freke, she broke her vows. MIL (my BF''s aunt) caught her in the act...spilled the beans and WWIII happened out in LI.

D''oh!

I''m realllly close to my FILs too, and I think it''s great! I''ve had previous relatioships where it was really quite awkward to be around the family, so this is refreshing and nice. "Wanna go to my parents'' house for dinner?" "YEAH!" It''s a good thing.

 

[chocolatefudge]

Bia, to me it is clear what is wrong with this girl, she is bitterly jealous! You are both ''outsiders'' entering a family, yet you said that she is not liked, whereas your FMIL made a big fuss of you IN FRONT of her.You have done nothing wrong, your FMIL has done nothing wring, it sounds like the cousin''s wife is very insecure (and rightly so it may seem?!)

Tread carefully with this situation:

DO NOT get drawn into any sort of debate/ gossiping with her, she will probably use this against you to make you look bad in front of your ''future family.'' (Trust me I have had a similar experience!)

Don''t question your relationship with your future inlaws, I am VERY lucky in that I love my boyfriend''s parents to bits, BUT even if I didn''t I would try very hard to improve the relationship. If your boyfriend is very close to his parents he will love the fact that you are too. My mum has not always seen eye to eye with her MIL and I have seen how awkward this situation is for everyone!

I think it''s great that you ll get along so well and don''t allow this woman to spoil things for you

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 5:37:21 PM
Author: chocolatefudge
Bia, to me it is clear what is wrong with this girl, she is bitterly jealous! You are both ''outsiders'' entering a family, yet you said that she is not liked, whereas your FMIL made a big fuss of you IN FRONT of her.You have done nothing wrong, your FMIL has done nothing wring, it sounds like the cousin''s wife is very insecure (and rightly so it may seem?!)


Tread carefully with this situation:


DO NOT get drawn into any sort of debate/ gossiping with her, she will probably use this against you to make you look bad in front of your ''future family.'' (Trust me I have had a similar experience!)


Don''t question your relationship with your future inlaws, I am VERY lucky in that I love my boyfriend''s parents to bits, BUT even if I didn''t I would try very hard to improve the relationship. If your boyfriend is very close to his parents he will love the fact that you are too. My mum has not always seen eye to eye with her MIL and I have seen how awkward this situation is for everyone!


I think it''s great that you ll get along so well and don''t allow this woman to spoil things for you

My parents too. Unfortunately my mother was not close to her in-laws and my brother and I, as a result, were never extremely close to my father''s family...I would never wish that on a couple in love.

 

[FrekeChild]

Dude...not cool. But I can see why their relationship is strained...To say the least!

 

[mimzy]

i don't know if it is just jealousy. there's a very good chance that she truly has NO desire to be touchy feely with her inlaws and that it really does boggle her mind that others are would be comfortable with that. I like my FMIL okay but i would NOT want her doing that to me, it would be very uncomfortable for me. yeah she has a super shady past, but besides that you just never know where she is coming from. her side of the family might be extremely distant or dysfunctional and close family relationships might make her squeamish. and if she is the type of person that has no problem speaking out, then expressing her squeamishness over it would be normal. just because someone has an adverse reaction to something you are okay with doesn't mean that they are automatically jealous

. chances are if she really valued relationships with her inlaws she probably wouldn't have done what she did or have the attitude that she has. that's not to say that there aren't other emotional factors that play into her behavior, but i highly doubt it is straight up jealousy.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 6:21:36 PM
Author: mimzy
i don't know if it is just jealousy. there's a very good chance that she truly has NO desire to be touchy feely with her inlaws and that it really does boggle her mind that others are would be comfortable with that. I like my FMIL okay but i would NOT want her doing that to me, it would be very uncomfortable for me. yeah she has a super shady past, but besides that you just never know where she is coming from. her side of the family might be extremely distant or dysfunctional and close family relationships might make her squeamish. and if she is the type of person that has no problem speaking out, then expressing her squeamishness over it would be normal. just because someone has an adverse reaction to something you are okay with doesn't mean that they are automatically jealous

. chances are if she really valued relationships with her inlaws she probably wouldn't have done what she did or have the attitude that she has. that's not to say that there aren't other emotional factors that play into her behavior, but i highly doubt it is straight up jealousy.

This could also be true. I think her immediate family relationships are unstable as well. But, I don't know her like that...I just know what I have seen in recent years. Although, even when mistakes (such as the one she made) are made, if you're willing to stick it out and move past it, its a good idea to try and redeem yourself a bit, especially in a case like this. I've spoken to my BF's aunt and she has told me that she tries, for her grandchildren, to be cordial and welcoming but there is just too much resentment on her DIL's part. Maybe its embarrassment...who knows really? Maybe she just really doesn't like the family! LOL I really can't see how though, they are a great bunch. I don't think its that she doesn't like to be touched, because whenever she greets people she kisses them on the cheek. When someone doesn't like to be touched, you can usually tell because they put up somewhat of an invisible barrier.

 

[Pandora II]

On the whole women don't have affairs for fun, but because they are unhappy in their relationship.

Strikes me that this girl is still very unhappy and feels that the family have never forgiven her. If she and her husband have made things right between them, then it must be very difficult if she knows that there are all these looks of disapproval everytime she shows her face - when really it's no-one's business but her and her husbands.

It must therefore be hard to see someone else joining the family and being treated the way you are - and presumably how she was at the beginning.

I would try not to see things she says or done as being aimed at you, but more as a reflection of her own feelings and insecurities.

I would suggest always having a few boundaries - my sister's MIL was sweet as could be until their first child was born (5 years after they married) - she is now the biggest interrfering witch from hell. My sister rings me up in tears everytime they come to visit because she is so terrible to her and criticises everything she does.

Personally, I have a great relationship with all my FIL's, but while I'm always happy to see them and am very open with them all, I would hate to feel I had to see them too often and FI and I make all our decisions together, we never involve his family.
I would find it a wee bit odd if they were overly huggy or physically affectionate - but then I am not very touchy feely in general.