Bad news

[AmberWaves]

Well, looks as if it''s no longer March. The proposal, I mean. Because of some forgetful-ness on my boyfriend''s part, he got in an accident on Thursday (he''s fine- it''s the first thing I asked), his insurance had lapsed. Of course, he didn''t tell me this. But anyway, it''s going to cost 3,000 or more to fix the other guy''s car. Which means the ring fund is now cleaned out.

So he said last night, "Is it okay is you wait a few months longer than March"? And I said, no it''s okay. But inside I wanted to cry. I mean, it was supposed to be LAST March, but then something else came up. And he had promised LAST March it would be then, as well. Now he promised it would be NEXT March, but now another few months. But since he dosen''t work constantly during the summer (he''s a teacher) he will be saving money for the summer expenses, instead of the ring. I feel stupid for being so happy it was going to be March, and telling everyone (including FAMILY- but he said it was okay to tell them) and after telling them the same friggin thing LAST year, I look like a damn idiot. I just feel so sad. It looks like I have to wait more than a year AGAIN. I just can''t keep getting this "updates" that just break my heart. He refuses to have ANY help with anything financially. And he gets really pissed at me when I get sad about this. At this rate, it''s going to be forever. I just wish he''d get his crap together and stop being so scattered. I am so so sad.

I think I might just stay away from PS for awhile. It''s not even jealousy, I just feel defeated. I mean, he PROMISED. Twice. How am I supposed to be okay with that? Am I being an ass?

 

[Kaleigh]

I''d be so thankful that he wasn''t hurt, and that the other guy wasn''t hurt. Could have been much worse. But I understand your disapointment. Hopefully it won''t be too much longer. Hang in there. Accidents happen, thank god he''s ok.

 

[alyson423]

So glad to hear that he''s ok and (I hope?) that the other guy''s ok. Accidents are scary, and it stinks that his insurance lapsed, but at least (and it''s no small thing) you don''t have to worry about more.

Having said that, I''m sorry about your disappointment. I don''t think it says anything negative about you that you''re upset about things getting postponed yet AGAIN, especially after having told friends and family your new deadlines. Patience is not one of my personal virtues, and having deadlines come and go, no matter the reason, would tax my patience too.

I have a suggestion... How about a beautiful right-hand ring or diamond eternity band for yourself, FROM yourself?

No one says you have to wait for diamonds- if you can swing it, why the heck not? You could wear it on your right hand, and a band could be interchangeable with a wedding set in the future. There are beautiful and affordable options from places like Signed Pieces, Fay Cullen, etc.

Just a thought. It''s not the same as getting your engagement ring, I know, but it might help stem the disappointment. Good luck!

 

[E B]

Amber,

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend's accident (I'm glad he's okay!). That being said, I completely understand your disappointment. However, I think Alyson's on to something. Who says he needs to propose with the ring? That can wait. How about a promise ring, with or without a proposal, until you can find/afford the perfect e-ring? Something you can move to your right hand when the real one comes along?

http://www.thefacetscollection.com/item.cfm?item_id=3638

http://www.thefacetscollection.com/item.cfm?item_id=3713

http://www.thefacetscollection.com/item.cfm?item_id=2515

 

[princessv]

Oh Amber, *big hugs* I''m glad he''s ok though! I know exactly how you feel my fiance promised me FOUR deadlines and on the last it finally happened and I felt like an idiot as he told me to tell my parents the deadlines...EBree has a good idea what about other options?

 

[Mara]

what a drag!!! I would be upset too that he was forgetful about his insurance and that it really cost...sometimes guys can be so clueless!!

can you buy yourself a RHR or something fun to tide you over bauble wise til the big event?

 

[anchor31]

*hugs* I'm sorry your boyfriend had an accident, and I'm very relieved he's okay. Car accidents are terrifying.

I wonder... Who said he can't propose without a ring? If he is ready in March, why should he wait to propose even if he doesn't have a ring for you? He can get it later when he has the money (and propose again

). I intend to tell my boyfriend that too, because he's temporarily jobless at the moment and I'd be really sad if he postponed the 2006 proposal because of that.

A promise is a promise (to me anyway), and that should be more important than being able to afford a ring. And between you and me, wouldn't it be great to have two proposals?

 

[icekid]

aww, that is really disappointing! hopefully this won''t extend your wait too long, but seriously- it could have been MUCH worse. boys! I can''t imagine driving around without car insurance; I would be so freaked out that something would happen.

 

[goldengirl]

Oh, Amber.... (((((hugs))))) I can totally see why you''re upset. Like the other girls, I''d be suggesting either a)a very small ring or b)no ring for the proposal. He doesn''t *need* the ring, and if it''s the only thing holding him back... why not let it go? Although, Kyle was of the opinion that he didn''t want to propose until he could do it "right" and doing it "right" included being able to present me with a ring (or the option of one

), so I completely understand if that''s a hangup... but I was okay with waiting because it wasn''t excessive. If it''s getting to be where the waiting is excessive, then you need to talk to him about changing his priorities... because ultimately, getting married is the goal. The engagement is only a step towards that and the ring is only a symbol of the engagement.

I hope you are able to work something out.

 

[AndyRosse]

Oh Amber, I''m sorry!! I agree with the other ladies that say go out and buy yourself something yummy to tide you over until you get the e-ring.

Also, why wait for a ring to propose? Hell, I would accept a twist tie as an "e-ring" just so I could be engaged to the love of my life. Then when the finances come back, he can get you the ring. That way, you guys can celebrate twice!

 

[caligal]

Amber- opened my email then popped over here... I''m so sorry about the whole thing! I know once I was relieved my fella was o.k. my next thought would be.... "you idiot!" Oh- driving with no insurance.... not good! Since he isn''t willing for you to help with anything, you might want to tread lightly on the proposing with no ring thing. He may really take it the wrong way. I''m sorry you are so dissapointed- I would feel the exact same way as you do. Does he have good credit? You can often open new credit cards with 6 months no interest with good credit, which could speed things along! Then he could wait until Feb or so and open the card and still have another six months to take care of the bill before interest even starts- just an idea so you can help him finance.... Hang in there sweetie and try to do anything to take your mind off this kay?

 

[Blue824]

Amber, I''m sorry to hear about the accident, but as already said, thank god everyone is safe! Your disappointment is 100% normal and not selfish or anything else. I''d be pretty upset if two of his deadlines had been pushed back. You''re not going to look bad infront of friends/family because I think anyone would understand that this is a large unexpected expense. Maybe not immediately, but I''d totally agree with discussing perhaps a proposal w/o a ring or an inexpensive placeholder. If everything else is in order and you''re both ready for that, there doesnt have to be a delay. But I can also see how he''d want to present you with the perfect ring and feel bad otherwise. Silly boys, don''t they understand that we want them more than the diamond? (at least sometimes...

). Good luck with everything

 

[Mara]

One other question, have you talked with him about no ring for right now or a small ring or something? Like others have already said, it doesn''t have to be a big ring or sometimes even a traditional ring at all if you guys are READY to get engaged! Especially in light of the two other missed deadlines and the fact that after a while it does feel like you look dumb in front of others (not that you do, but you may FEEL like you do...)...that can really affect you. I''d sit down with him and be frank about, it are you able to? Not to make him feel bad or anything but rather like "Look we are both in this together, I don''t know if I want to wait even longer for a ring.

Can we figure something out so we can just be engaged already???" I mean I know guys want to do it their way and all that with what they think gals want, but really where is the line drawn? When can you really speak up. This is almost 2006!!

 

[MissAva]

Date: 12/10/2005 2:45:38 PM
Author:AmberWaves
Well, looks as if it''s no longer March. The proposal, I mean. Because of some forgetful-ness on my boyfriend''s part, he got in an accident on Thursday (he''s fine- it''s the first thing I asked), his insurance had lapsed. Of course, he didn''t tell me this. But anyway, it''s going to cost 3,000 or more to fix the other guy''s car. Which means the ring fund is now cleaned out.

So he said last night, ''Is it okay is you wait a few months longer than March''? And I said, no it''s okay. But inside I wanted to cry. I mean, it was supposed to be LAST March, but then something else came up. And he had promised LAST March it would be then, as well. Now he promised it would be NEXT March, but now another few months. But since he dosen''t work constantly during the summer (he''s a teacher) he will be saving money for the summer expenses, instead of the ring. I feel stupid for being so happy it was going to be March, and telling everyone (including FAMILY- but he said it was okay to tell them) and after telling them the same friggin thing LAST year, I look like a damn idiot. I just feel so sad. It looks like I have to wait more than a year AGAIN. I just can''t keep getting this ''updates'' that just break my heart. He refuses to have ANY help with anything financially. And he gets really pissed at me when I get sad about this. At this rate, it''s going to be forever. I just wish he''d get his crap together and stop being so scattered. I am so so sad.

I think I might just stay away from PS for awhile. It''s not even jealousy, I just feel defeated. I mean, he PROMISED. Twice. How am I supposed to be okay with that? Am I being an ass?

Oh AW! I am not sure how I missed this thread, but oddles of *hugs* coming your way. How did his insurance lap? Is he bad about paying bills? How much longer is a few months past March? Is there any reason he cannot propose without a ring? Or perhaps a temporary one, like a nice wedding band from Facets? Perhaps ya''ll could do the ering/ wedding band thing backwards?
Please dont feel like an idiot...no one here thinks that in the least, and I hope your family will be understanding as well.
I dont understand why he gets upset when you are sad about not becoming his wife. That is a huge step and one that when pushed back would cuase some pain...perfectly understandable.
If there is anything I can do just let me know. *hugs*

 

[SoonIHope]

Ohhh, Amber I''m so sorry!!! Of course you have every right to be disappointed - he set your deadline back AGAIN. I''m so glad to hear that he''s okay, but I agree that I would be mad too, since it is his own fault that he let his insurance lapse which is why this is now turning into a problem for you. I would just really sit down with him and explain that it''s not about the money and how much the ring costs, it''s just about sticking to his word and telling the world he''s ready to marry you. A very very cheap stand-in can be your placeholder ring for a few months (or a year, whatever) until he can get his act together enough to save up for a real ring, but I would make it clear to him that the ring ISN''T what matters, it''s that he has broken his promise for the second time in a row, and the reasons for the delays COULD have been preventable. Tell him he needs to make good on his promise even if it isn''t with the ring of your dreams (YET!). I feel soooo bad for you, and I hope you two can come to some sort of compromise that makes you both happy, and sooner than March 2007!! As for refusing any help financially, are there any "joint" expenses you have, that you could take more of the burden on? That''s how I secretly helped my boyfriend out, so he didn''t feel like I was "paying for the ring," but I was just a bit more eager to pay when we had dinner out, and pay our utilities bills etc, so none of those regular expenses diminished his account, but he still got to buy the ring with ONLY "his" money.

I know that made a big difference to him, even though he flat out refused any "help" with money towards the ring. In any case, GOOD LUCK!!!! I''ll keep my fingers crossed for you!!!!!

 

[AmberWaves]

Hey guys, well, I told him that I was staying away from here, and he got kinda mad at me. He said, "If it''s something you love, why not?" Then he realized it''s because of what happened, yadda yadda yadda... We talked about it, and he said he''d make it happen by march. He said it grudgingly, and that hurt a little bit, too. I told him that the way he was acting made me feel like he doesn''t want it to happen period. Then he got mad because he said he''s doing the best he can, ya know? I told him that I''m going to help out with more things, so he doesn''t have to worry.. But he refused it. I''m going to help anyway. Then asked him if he understood why I was upset, and he didn''t, so when I explained it, I think he understood more. I think I''m going to look for more options. And it''s so petty, because with there being an accident, I just kept thinking, He Promised. He PROMISED. And I know things like this can''t be avoided, but what a moron!! Just the fact that he let the insurance lapse makes me so angry. And he doesn''t want anyone to know why the engagement would be pushed back, so I''m just supposed to like, make something up? It''s going to look so bad. And yes, everyone, he was fine, his CAR was fine. As was the other driver. It absolutely could have been worse. The first thing I said was, "Are you okay??" It''s just that with the broken promises, I just get so defeated. I''m looking for other ring options. Which is also super petty for me, but I had that dream ring, and I had made it so affordable for him, too. I thought it would be easy. Guess not. I sound like such a whiny brat, sorry!

Thanks everyone so much for your kind words. I''ll probably come back soon, but it''s still a little sore (my pride). Who can stay away from PS for long?

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/12/2005 11:31:20 AM
Author: AmberWaves

I told him that I''m going to help out with more things, so he doesn''t have to worry.. But he refused it. I''m going to help anyway.

And I know things like this can''t be avoided, but what a moron!! Just the fact that he let the insurance lapse makes me so angry.

Amber, I''m really sorry for your disappointment. I can see why you''re struggling with it; the rational part of you understands that it was an accident, but the emotional part of you that''s been disappointed before cannot help but react.

My biggest concern for you going forward is some of the things you mentioned above. I''ve seen you mention a few times before about helping and how he doesn''t want help, etc. I''d give this serious consideration as you contemplate binding your life to his. When you are a couple with common goals and dreams (married or not), you''re a team. It means that you find ways to accomplish goals together, and he doesn''t seem to grasp that from his resistance.

If you''re willing to share your life with someone, it makes sense to at least get his/her input on decisions that potentially affect you both......like letting one''s insurance lapse.

I''m sure it''s just that he''s not used to making decisions with someone else...it takes a while to get used to getting input when you''re used to being independent. Having said that, in your shoes, I''d certainly want to have a conversation with him about this and clarify how you both expect decision-making and working toward goals to be a joint effort.

 

[Caribou]

I''m sorry Amber, that would upset me too....especially when he was irresponsibly in letting his insurance lapse, why should that affect you, you know. Hopefully you won''t have to wait too long.

Guys have a hard time accepting help from their women...you know because of that whole thing where they are suppose to provide for us thing. It probably makes them feel like less of a man when they take help, offered or not, from their women. MEN!

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, I am back. As I said before, I couldn''t stay away for long. And Paul and I have talked... So, I''m here to look for smaller rings, until the finances improve. I am coming to terms with this. It''s not the rock, but the rock-giver that counts. And it would be very selfish of me to expect something he can''t do right now, just because I want it. Also, god forbid he let like, RENT slip while he tries to scrimp for the "dream ring". We''ve also discussed this whole money thing, and the secrets. He told me that he was terrified of me leaving him, so he didn''t want to tell me about the insurance lapsing. I got SO pissed off about that. So I told him that the only thing that would make me want to leave, are the SECRETS themselves. The fact that they ARE secrets, and that if he expects me to be around forever, he''s got to let me start helping him out a little. He agreed, and now we''re splitting bills, and budgeting more. His older brother got very angry with him, because he told him that now on, the problems aren''t just Paul''s, they''re MINE, too. Paul was like, yeah, I know. And I told Paul that the more he holds back, the more problems arise from it. We''re working it out, now.

Okay, ladies... give me ring ideas!! (I think I may save some money for the ring, myself, too, can''t hurt, right?) I''d still like a mostly center stone, would it be cheaper to just get a small solitaire?

 

[E B]

Amber,

What size stone are you looking for? Rather, what budget are you and your boyfriend going to be working with? Also, what are some styles that you love?

Remember, no matter the size of the stone, it's the love that'll be represented by your ring (blablabla, speech coming!). Upgrades will come, but the moment of the proposal and your future will matter most. My boyfriend didn't have a ton to spend on my ring (and I didn't want him to spend a ton! I felt bad about the amount he was spending already

) but what we had made is beautiful, plenty big on my finger, and I find myself enchanted by it about 1,000 times a day! We'll help you find something that's perfect, and while not the "dream" ring, it'll be close enough!

 

[AmberWaves]

Jeez, I dunno. I''m just trying to get some ideas on rings and budgeting amounts, I love the solitaire look, and white gold. But if it''s cheaper for more smaller stones, I''d go for that. I''m thinking about 2,000 dollars, possibly 3. Obviously not too high on the color scale, nor the clarity.Round cut stones. Hm.. That''s all I can think of now.

 

[MINE!!]

how about a colored gemstone e-ring?

 

[AmberWaves]

Mine, it''s absolutely HIM that I want, not the ring. It''s just hard to give up (for awhile) something that you thought (were told) you were getting. Ya know? It was a dream ring for as long as i can remember, even before I met him. And although it''s what I was expecting, I''m coming to terms with getting something else. It''s like you''re told you''re getting a car for your brithday, but you get a bike. You are confused, and a little shocked, but you deal. I want to get started on our wedding, damnit.

 

[SoonIHope]

Amber - I''m so glad you talked to him and are having a good budget discussion and, more importantly, NO SECRETS discussion! The whole not telling you something b/c it will make you upset drives me CRAZY. To the point that now if my boyfriend doesn''t tell me even not-very-important things, I have to give him a lecture on how it''s his obligation to fill me in on anything that could be perceived as a secret, just so it doesn''t come out later as a big "you were keeping a secret from me??" fight.

Even though it''s usually just that he''s dumb and forgetful.

But yes, I''m glad you''re not punishing PS for this! Keep talking to us, no matter what!

For $2-3,000 I think you should be able to get the setting you want with a nice diamond, even if it''s a teeny bit smaller than you originally imagined. You should still be able to get a beautiful ring without compromising your dream vision too much!! And the important thing is that he is now willing to stick to his PROMISE even though he has less of a budget to work with. He PROMISED you he would propose by next March, and even though the circumstances are not totally his fault (the accident), it was due to his carelessness (lapsed insurance) that it ended up becoming a problem for you. Aka NOT YOUR FAULT and he should still try his absolute hardest to keep that promise!!!! So I''m glad to hear you''re going to start ring-looking, and I''m sure you''ll end up with something gorgeous! Not to mention...a FIANCE!!

 

[AmberWaves]

Thanks, Albi-. I''m still getting the waves of bummed out-ness, but overall not so bad. I''m just trying to figure out a way for me to give him money and not have him worry about part of it. Hm... I''m going to start looking now.

 

[SoonIHope]

One thing I think I heard that some people do is let their girlfriends pay for the setting. Because that way the diamond is still totally from the guy to preserve all the macho "I bought this diamond myself" feelings, but you still get to help out with a significant chunk of money. My boyfriend was tempted by this idea (even though he ultimately declined) because to him the diamond is the big thing you''re supposed to give your girlfriend during the proposal, and I think a lot of guys feel the same way about settings; that they''re just what you put the diamond in so it doesn''t fall off your finger.

 

[anchor31]

Ambers - I''m really glad you and your boyfriend talked and agreed with each other on important things. I''m also thrilled to know that it''s probably coming in March no matter what!

It''s important that he keeps his promise, and we all know you''ll be insanely happy to be engaged even with a smaller ring.

I''m glad you''re still talking to us too!

 

[bookworm21]

Amber, I''m so sorry to hear about all this, but I am glad that your boyfriend is okay.

I completely understand how you feel. The disappointment is almost depressing. It''s something you looked forward to for so long that it''s really hard to let go of. It''s exactly like letting go of a dream.

But, like you said, it''s the giver that''s important, just continue to keep that in mind. It''s difficult, and I would be upset too if I were in your situation.

Let us know how everything goes, and I''m keeping my fingers crossed that everything will turn out for the best for the two of you.

 

[MissAva]

I posted a thread about that very topic this summer. For The Men, is it okay for your GF to help pay for the setting? They seemed to think girls helping to pay was a big

.

 

[AmberWaves]

Ya know, I think I would think about buying the setting, and him buying the diamond At least that way, I can choose exactly what I like (and now that I see it, I saw the Surprise Diamond Ring by LE in platinum for 900.00). Not so bad. I can also start paying more for things (like the x-mas tree tonight). It''s Paul that matters. I saw a .75 carat diamond at WF and I like the look. I think we''ll have a sitdown tonight and discuss our options. At least then he''ll know I''m not really mad about the ring, and I can get his permission to search. Also, I can learn his budget. A solitaire is what I''ve always wanted. This is so lame, but I worry about the ring looking small on my finger ( I think I have slightly large fingers, 6.5). Would a slimmer band make my stone look larger, or my finger larger? Anyone have advice?