Been holding out...

[oddoneout]

Despite everything I hope things work out.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that was even quicker than I expected. I''ll never understand the rush, but let''s all hope it sticks. Good luck.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Best of luck, hope you have a lovely day.

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 4/8/2010 12:39:35 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 4/8/2010 9:14:59 AM

Author: fiery

Is there a reason why everyone is worried about her children?


I agree that the three engagements, three dresses (some that were purchased before an engagement) and three rings all within a year is alarming.


However, I really don''t think anyone should question whether she has her children''s best interest at heart without further details. It''s making her sound like a bad mother which is a terrible accusation to make.

I didn''t want to post this, because it really worries me, but I think that there is cause for concern here. And I''m talking about Wink''s Elf, as well as her children.


Link

Wow.

Just read through this entire thread and took a look at the link posted above.

First of all, I have to say I feel quite sorry for Wink, but mostly sorry for her kids. I just can''t wrap my head around her "activities" of the last year.

As for swirling up drama I think Wink seems to be doing enough of that on her own to worry about what people on an internet board are going to do in reaction to her post. Re-marrying a serial cheater and alcoholic, after he has (by her own admission) already devastated her and her kids, and after being engaged twice in the past year is merely a road to....more drama!

Correct me if I''m wrong, but I believe that most 12 step programs will suggest not getting involved in any new, serious relationships while in the initial throws of recovery and it sounds like Wink''s hubby is right in the thick of it now. Already this is a bad sign that he''s not doing everything he can to make sobriety his first priority.

Yikes. I''m afraid this is a drama of Wink''s own making...I think our reactions are the least of her worries.

 

[charbie]

stellar "program" this man is going through.

i''m pretty sure they advise you not to make any major, life-changing decisions right after going to rehab- besides of course working on staying sober. the stress (even if it may be "happy stress") is still stress- and the stresses a recovering alcoholic go through in the first few months of sobriety are pretty intense. add on not just a marriage, but a marriage with more baggage than you can fly for free with on a southwest flight...well, i''m pretty sure he isn''t really absorbing the point of what being in AA really is. and unfortunately, WE is just going to continue to be his enabler- whether you''re going through therapy or not.

 

[Callisto]

Date: 4/14/2010 1:04:04 PM
Author: charbie
more baggage than you can fly for free with on a southwest flight...

Hahaha well this thread had at least one positive impact on someone, because thanks to charbie I now have this sweet line as part of my phrase collection. I can''t wait to use this!!!!

 

[charbie]

Date: 4/14/2010 1:18:47 PM
Author: Callisto

Date: 4/14/2010 1:04:04 PM
Author: charbie
more baggage than you can fly for free with on a southwest flight...

Hahaha well this thread had at least one positive impact on someone, because thanks to charbie I now have this sweet line as part of my phrase collection. I can''t wait to use this!!!!

i try...

and can i just say i''m proud of myself...i thought of that line all by myself!

 

[Tawonda]

Wow what an eye opening read this has been!

If nothing else let this be a lesson and warning for those who have a tendency to overshare the most personal details of their relationships. If you don''t want people all in your business don''t go and post all about it on a public forum! Do you really believe for a moment that she''s not revisiting this thread? One of the best and wisest quotes I found in all this mess was Cake and a wedding does NOT a marriage make. I think that just about sums it all up.

 

[Indylady]

Best of luck Winks! I hope you and your family have a wonderful day.

 

[AprilBaby]

 

[Laila619]

This is sad.

He is never going to change. It''s a codependent relationship.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/14/2010 6:43:40 PM
Author: Laila619
This is sad.

He is never going to change. It''s a codependent relationship.

I agree - I really forsee more pain and devastation for this family, but I truly hope that I''m wrong.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 4/14/2010 11:44:21 PM
Author: Maevie

Date: 4/14/2010 6:43:40 PM
Author: Laila619
This is sad.

He is never going to change. It's a codependent relationship.

I agree - I really forsee more pain and devastation for this family, but I truly hope that I'm wrong.

I haven't responded to this thread yet, but have been following it. I agree with the above and I agree Winks needs him even more than he needs her. He knows that he can have her whenever he wants and no matter what he does. I feel uber bad that there are kids in this situation and have to go through all of this because mommy likes to enable alcoholics and doens't see her role in this. I am sorry to say this Winks, but I am sorry you just can't be alone and need to be in a serious relationship with someone and always on the marriage fast track with them to feel like you are loved, wanted, secure, whatever it is.

Makes me appreciate my mom so much more for realizing she had f**cked up taste in men and didn't date again so she didn't have to put her children through the horror filled rollercoaster your kids have endured their whole lives just because they have a mommy that finds abnormal ways of having her emotional needs met.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 4/15/2010 1:29:05 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 4/14/2010 11:44:21 PM

Author: Maevie

Date: 4/14/2010 6:43:40 PM

Author: Laila619

This is sad.

He is never going to change. It''s a codependent relationship.

I agree - I really forsee more pain and devastation for this family, but I truly hope that I''m wrong.

I haven''t responded to this thread yet, but have been following it. I agree with the above and I agree Winks needs him even more than he needs her. He knows that he can have her whenever he wants and no matter what he does. I feel uber bad that there are kids in this situation and have to go through all of this because mommy likes to enable alcoholics and doens''t see her role in this. I am sorry to say this Winks, but I am sorry you just can''t be alone and need to be in a serious relationship with someone and always on the marriage fast track with them to feel like you are loved, wanted, secure, whatever it is.


Makes me appreciate my mom so much more for realizing she had f**cked up taste in men and didn''t date again so she didn''t have to put her children through the horror filled rollercoaster your kids have endured their whole lives just because they have a mommy that finds abnormal ways of having her emotional needs met.

That is really unnecessarily cruel.

 

[Tawonda]

Date: 4/15/2010 1:29:05 PM
Author: nkarma

Date: 4/14/2010 11:44:21 PM
Author: Maevie

Date: 4/14/2010 6:43:40 PM
Author: Laila619
This is sad.

He is never going to change. It's a codependent relationship.

I agree - I really forsee more pain and devastation for this family, but I truly hope that I'm wrong.

I haven't responded to this thread yet, but have been following it. I agree with the above and I agree Winks needs him even more than he needs her. He knows that he can have her whenever he wants and no matter what he does. I feel uber bad that there are kids in this situation and have to go through all of this because mommy likes to enable alcoholics and doens't see her role in this. I am sorry to say this Winks, but I am sorry you just can't be alone and need to be in a serious relationship with someone and always on the marriage fast track with them to feel like you are loved, wanted, secure, whatever it is.

Makes me appreciate my mom so much more for realizing she had f**cked up taste in men and didn't date again so she didn't have to put her children through the horror filled rollercoaster your kids have endured their whole lives just because they have a mommy that finds abnormal ways of having her emotional needs met.

nkarma hit the nail on the head. The truth hurts and so I'm not surprised the bride threw a bit of a tantrum and left. I know for a fact she's keeping tabs on this thread and checking it. Elf you really need to get yourself some therapy for that low self esteem in addition to your codependacy issues. Your need to be taken care of and be validated by a man is destructive not only to you but to your brood as well. What sort of example are you setting for your daughters jumping from one man to another? How many men this year alone have they had to call daddy? I give this marriage 2 years max and that's being optimistic because as someone else said you can't fix a cheating drunk dog. It's only a matter of time before he chooses the bottle and another younger woman over you. Again!

 

[luckynumber]

oh gawd.

i guess there''s nothing left to do but wish WE good luck.

i feel so bad for the kids

 

[16ocean]

This is one of those situations where I hope we are all -so- wrong and the past behavior doesn''t predict the future outcomes . . . . .

Best Wishes to you and your family Winks Elf

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Winks for the better part of year I have been working towards my degree in just this subject. I'm at the point in my education where I am responsible for running two AA groups, and I also volunteer my time at a local intensive center where recovering addicts go for extended periods of time while sorting out their newborn sobriety. I feel like I can speak to you on a level that isn't so much my opinion but rather fact based and hopefully it will resonate.

The thing is, your ex-husband has survived his life with one main coping skill...drinking. He has allowed his disease to fashion his entire exsistance and dictate many of the ill made decisions. He is very, very sick.

Any counselor worth their wage wouldn't advise a recovering addict to make any major life changing decisions for at least a term of one year, and in many cases, much longer than that. The reason being, sobriety isn't solid. Any work your ex does during his stay in rehab or while he is working his steps is the easy part...the hard part is maintaining that work and moving forward over an extended period of time when he is responsible for himself without constant supervision.

Marriage is one of those decisions that a recovering addict just isn't capable of making out of the gate.

The leading cause of relapse isn't temptation or opportunity, it is stress. Marriage is a huge stressor, especially for a man who hasn't had the responsibilities of a husband prior to sobriety. He doesn't have the coping skills yet...and that isn't an excuse or an opinion, it is a fact. When we rehab an addict, we bring them to ground zero remove all of their past tools of function, in layman's terms, they are relearning to live and deal and function without a security blanket. If you believe you can take someone who essentially has no stress management ability and put them into a house with a wife, children, and all of the other things that overwhelm someone WITH the ability to cope...you're doing nothing more than lighting a fuse, and that bomb will go off.

If you love this man, and I believe you do, then you need to practice a healthy love. Put his sobriety first. Let him come out of rehab, let him breathe for a minute. Let him work the steps, let him get his act together...let him have the confidence to make the choice to marry you because he KNOWS he can handle it.

9 times out of 10, getting sober isn't a seamless transition. Relapse is a very real thing, especially for someone embarking on this for the first time. Be selfish, if not for you then for your children, don't put them in the middle of that. Wait until you can both trust that the process has worked to a point where you know that he can manage day to day without a drink, because frankly my dear, you don't know that...and you won't know that in the first week or even the first year! If you really want him to succeed, then don't push him into anything as big as marriage.

It's wonderful that you want to recommit, and you can still push forward...but in baby steps, not leaps and bounds. Date. See a movie, share a dinner. Ease him into it and then decide if this is what you both want.

 

[bee*]

I guess I''ll just never get what the rush into getting married is. It''s great if you''ve decided to be together again but why not take it slowly, let him get sober and actually live sober for a year or two and then get married? Just take care of those kids.

 

[sunseeker101]

Winks, would it be possible to be married but still slowly integrate your husband back into your and your children''s lives? Being happily married to your children''s father is undoubtedly your children''s greatest dream, and I certainly hope (as I''m sure everyone else here does) that you both will be able to put it all right so that everyone can be loved, valued and safe together again. A successful family requires parents to have a steady relationship based on communication, respect and trust. Each needs to be in a strong inner place to bring this about, strong enough to meet their own needs in a non-destructive way, to meet their partner''s needs on a consistent and thorough basis and be an unfailingly positive force in their children''s lives.

If you feel your husband can meet these targets I think you owe it to yourself, him and especially your children to take a step back. If this man loves you and sincerely hopes to right his wrongs he should be interested in sealing the deal in a comprehensive style. If the feeling in the relationship is more that you are ''saving'' him when he''s low, I think this won''t play out the way you intend, since it''s instigated more by false hope and pity rather than level playing-field love. Whichever way you decide to go with this, the very best of luck to you all.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 4/16/2010 12:22:43 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Winks for the better part of year I have been working towards my degree in just this subject. I''m at the point in my education where I am responsible for running two AA groups, and I also volunteer my time at a local intensive center where recovering addicts go for extended periods of time while sorting out their newborn sobriety. I feel like I can speak to you on a level that isn''t so much my opinion but rather fact based and hopefully it will resonate.

The thing is, your ex-husband has survived his life with one main coping skill...drinking. He has allowed his disease to fashion his entire exsistance and dictate many of the ill made decisions. He is very, very sick.

Any counselor worth their wage wouldn''t advise a recovering addict to make any major life changing decisions for at least a term of one year, and in many cases, much longer than that. The reason being, sobriety isn''t solid. Any work your ex does during his stay in rehab or while he is working his steps is the easy part...the hard part is maintaining that work and moving forward over an extended period of time when he is responsible for himself without constant supervision.

Marriage is one of those decisions that a recovering addict just isn''t capable of making out of the gate.

The leading cause of relapse isn''t temptation or opportunity, it is stress. Marriage is a huge stressor, especially for a man who hasn''t had the responsibilities of a husband prior to sobriety. He doesn''t have the coping skills yet...and that isn''t an excuse or an opinion, it is a fact. When we rehab an addict, we bring them to ground zero remove all of their past tools of function, in layman''s terms, they are relearning to live and deal and function without a security blanket. If you believe you can take someone who essentially has no stress management ability and put them into a house with a wife, children, and all of the other things that overwhelm someone WITH the ability to cope...you''re doing nothing more than lighting a fuse, and that bomb will go off.

If you love this man, and I believe you do, then you need to practice a healthy love. Put his sobriety first. Let him come out of rehab, let him breathe for a minute. Let him work the steps, let him get his act together...let him have the confidence to make the choice to marry you because he KNOWS he can handle it.

9 times out of 10, getting sober isn''t a seamless transition. Relapse is a very real thing, especially for someone embarking on this for the first time. Be selfish, if not for you then for your children, don''t put them in the middle of that. Wait until you can both trust that the process has worked to a point where you know that he can manage day to day without a drink, because frankly my dear, you don''t know that...and you won''t know that in the first week or even the first year! If you really want him to succeed, then don''t push him into anything as big as marriage.

It''s wonderful that you want to recommit, and you can still push forward...but in baby steps, not leaps and bounds. Date. See a movie, share a dinner. Ease him into it and then decide if this is what you both want.

Italia, I just wanted to say that this post is perfect and that I hope WE reads it. It''s supportive and puts the primary goal first: to have a healthy marriage. I have no doubt that we all want that for WE and her children.

 

[Nov2109]

Winks, I have been debating to respond for the past few days, and because you have offered advice and support to me, I''d like to do the same for you.

I haven''t read through every single thread, but I do remember a few about your ex-husband and past engagements...and I wouldnt for one second pretend to know you, based on what you have written. I also am a firm believer that people tend to complain about the bad stuff than always talk about the good stuff, myself included! Here is my experience and I hope it may help...

I come from a family that has been destroyed by alcoholism, divorce, cheating, and lies.

To make a long story short, both sets of grandparents were alcoholics. My mothers parents took control of the situation after they were divorced, both remarried and have had happy marriages. My fathers parents: my grandfather decided to get sober when my father was about 4 years old. This lead to a divorce because my grandmother, (who I have encountered a few times in my life) refused to quit drinking. I never met my grandfather, he never saw his children again, because in that day and age, fathers had NO rights what so ever...the last time my dad saw his father was when he was 6, he briefly saw him at his brothers funeral(rare cancer in the 70s), he passed away shortly after that from cancer as well so there was no chance to make up for lost time. This situation created a very dysfunctional life for my father and his siblings. Both he and his brother are divorced and my aunt is dead, from alcoholism, of which my dear old grandmother was enabling. My father cut contact from his mother 30 years ago, she is a horrible woman, who will never change, she abused my dad as a child, tried to kill him when he was a teen, and had many of her boyfriends try to beat him up as a teenager.

My parents are divorced as I said. I have had many issues with my mom(she cheated) and every day gets better..to the point now where she is becoming my best friend..my entire life I always wished for them to get back together, but I knew it wasn''t going to happen because they weren''t happy. I know if my parents had decided to try and work things out and it failed, it would be the same devastation all over again.

I think its great that you and your husband want to work things out, that would be wonderful for the children to have their parents back together, however, I think you should try and take it slow, let him get the treatment he needs, start dating, see if he really can be a changed man. You owe that to yourself and to your children. Alcoholism is a nasty thing, I''ve been around it my entire life. Some people are able to change, I had two of the best grandparents I could have ever asked for but they wanted to change and they did, my fathers mother is still a drunk who destroyed an entire family because of her abusive ways and destructive tendencies and has shown absolutely no remorse or compassion for those she affected, shes 86 years old and still drinks to this day. Luckily, at a chance encounter, I met one of my dads cousins-he had a striking resemblance to my father and when I heard his last name I asked where he was from. That sparked a family reunion, and its been a very slow rebuilding process.(wanted to throw something positive in there!)

I would try and take some time for yourself, find out exactly what you want for you. I never understood something my mother said to me until recently, she can''t always put her children first, sometimes she''s got to do something for herself. I thought that was so selfish until I realized shes a person too and also deserves to be happy sometimes too. We were never in any danger, she just took sometime for herself. She married the man she cheated with and I''m still not happy about it, but she is happy so that''s ok, because she needs to have a life too. I just fear you are working things out for your children and not for you. If you truly love your ex-husband, and that love is returned from him, you may be ok one day...but this will be a long and tough road for the two of you, as I am sure you know. Just make sure your children and shielded from whatever comes of it, and keep yourself safe. Make sure he really has changed and isn''t just putting his best foot forward before you walk down that aisle again.

Just take some time for yourself, figure out what would make you happy. Let him change for you and for your kids. I''d hate to see anything else bad happen to you and your children by his doing.

Either way, good luck with everything.

 

[onedrop]

I really hope WE is still reading. Most of the posts in this thread have been very supportive even when the post disagrees with WE''s decision to remarry her ex. However, I think Italia''s and Nov2109''s posts (as well the others that have related personal stories) are must-reads.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Gosh this topic is haunting me...

Winks I really wanted to leave personal opinion out of this...but it kept me up last night and I've been stuck on this all day, and I really wanted to share with my feelings--not that they matter, but because I care...

I'm sure you're wonderful person, a good mom and I'd bet there are lots of good things about you...but I really think your missing something in your life, and because of that, you have this fixation with marriage and it's spiraling out of control. I think you're reeling from the past with your ex-husband and the level of betrayal you fell victim to, and you're living with this giant void as a result of it, and now you're trying to fill the gap desperately...and it never works.

I think you need to get out of Al Anon and get into some real therapy that will give you the face time with a professional therapist who can help you wade through muck of your romantic life. I don't say that to be unkind, sincerely it's not my intention, I know how it reads but I'm just genuinely concerned about you you. If you can so carelessly engage and disengage yourself from someone(s) with the looming possibility of something as grand as marriage, then clearly there is something that is not right.

Being engaged to someone is a major deal, it's supposed to be taken seriously and not entered into lightly. And yet you have this laundry list of engagements that were all permeable and temporary and transitional until something better came along. That's not how it's supposed to be. Again this is why I suggest therapy...a professional can help you boil down the issues so you gain a better understanding of why you view marriage this way and then you can fix it.

Winks what this is really all about it everyone's concern for you. We're worried--girl you've been engaged 3 times in 365 days...you've averaged 121.6 days per man--you can't even know someone very well in that short time, let alone have enough time to date, get engaged, and separate--it's like relationship whiplash. This is a lot to take in and we're on the outside, so being on the inside must just be so hard for you. We all genuinely want your best interests and your happiness...and sometimes raising the concerns we have is done with the purest of intentions and not because we're a snarky bunch of women.

I wish you the best...

 

[fieryred33143]

Italia, I''m glad you are posting again

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 4/16/2010 4:49:18 PM
Author: fiery
Italia, I''m glad you are posting again

Me too.

 

[AustenNut]

Date: 4/16/2010 12:22:43 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Winks for the better part of year I have been working towards my degree in just this subject. I''m at the point in my education where I am responsible for running two AA groups, and I also volunteer my time at a local intensive center where recovering addicts go for extended periods of time while sorting out their newborn sobriety. I feel like I can speak to you on a level that isn''t so much my opinion but rather fact based and hopefully it will resonate.


The thing is, your ex-husband has survived his life with one main coping skill...drinking. He has allowed his disease to fashion his entire exsistance and dictate many of the ill made decisions. He is very, very sick.


Any counselor worth their wage wouldn''t advise a recovering addict to make any major life changing decisions for at least a term of one year, and in many cases, much longer than that. The reason being, sobriety isn''t solid. Any work your ex does during his stay in rehab or while he is working his steps is the easy part...the hard part is maintaining that work and moving forward over an extended period of time when he is responsible for himself without constant supervision.


Marriage is one of those decisions that a recovering addict just isn''t capable of making out of the gate.


The leading cause of relapse isn''t temptation or opportunity, it is stress. Marriage is a huge stressor, especially for a man who hasn''t had the responsibilities of a husband prior to sobriety. He doesn''t have the coping skills yet...and that isn''t an excuse or an opinion, it is a fact. When we rehab an addict, we bring them to ground zero remove all of their past tools of function, in layman''s terms, they are relearning to live and deal and function without a security blanket. If you believe you can take someone who essentially has no stress management ability and put them into a house with a wife, children, and all of the other things that overwhelm someone WITH the ability to cope...you''re doing nothing more than lighting a fuse, and that bomb will go off.


If you love this man, and I believe you do, then you need to practice a healthy love. Put his sobriety first. Let him come out of rehab, let him breathe for a minute. Let him work the steps, let him get his act together...let him have the confidence to make the choice to marry you because he KNOWS he can handle it.


9 times out of 10, getting sober isn''t a seamless transition. Relapse is a very real thing, especially for someone embarking on this for the first time. Be selfish, if not for you then for your children, don''t put them in the middle of that. Wait until you can both trust that the process has worked to a point where you know that he can manage day to day without a drink, because frankly my dear, you don''t know that...and you won''t know that in the first week or even the first year! If you really want him to succeed, then don''t push him into anything as big as marriage.


It''s wonderful that you want to recommit, and you can still push forward...but in baby steps, not leaps and bounds. Date. See a movie, share a dinner. Ease him into it and then decide if this is what you both want.

This post by Italia is solid gold. Reread it, and if it doesn''t sink in, read it again.

My question for Wink''s Elf is this. Are you ready to marry him, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, forsaking all others, till death do you part? And is he ready to do the same? Think about what life with him was like during the throes of his sickness, as you are the only one on this board who has lived with him. Are you prepared to remain with him if he falls back into his old patterns? Because make no mistake, alcoholism is a sickness. He may be able to overcome it, but it may overcome him.

If you''re not comfortable saying yes, you will remain married no matter how horrible the sickness becomes, then I would recommend postponing the wedding until a time when you do feel ready to say yes (probably when there are strong signs of him overcoming the sickness).

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/16/2010 2:35:11 PM
Author: Nov2109
Winks, I have been debating to respond for the past few days, and because you have offered advice and support to me, I''d like to do the same for you.


I haven''t read through every single thread, but I do remember a few about your ex-husband and past engagements...and I wouldnt for one second pretend to know you, based on what you have written. I also am a firm believer that people tend to complain about the bad stuff than always talk about the good stuff, myself included! Here is my experience and I hope it may help...


I come from a family that has been destroyed by alcoholism, divorce, cheating, and lies.


To make a long story short, both sets of grandparents were alcoholics. My mothers parents took control of the situation after they were divorced, both remarried and have had happy marriages. My fathers parents: my grandfather decided to get sober when my father was about 4 years old. This lead to a divorce because my grandmother, (who I have encountered a few times in my life) refused to quit drinking. I never met my grandfather, he never saw his children again, because in that day and age, fathers had NO rights what so ever...the last time my dad saw his father was when he was 6, he briefly saw him at his brothers funeral(rare cancer in the 70s), he passed away shortly after that from cancer as well so there was no chance to make up for lost time. This situation created a very dysfunctional life for my father and his siblings. Both he and his brother are divorced and my aunt is dead, from alcoholism, of which my dear old grandmother was enabling. My father cut contact from his mother 30 years ago, she is a horrible woman, who will never change, she abused my dad as a child, tried to kill him when he was a teen, and had many of her boyfriends try to beat him up as a teenager.


My parents are divorced as I said. I have had many issues with my mom(she cheated) and every day gets better..to the point now where she is becoming my best friend..my entire life I always wished for them to get back together, but I knew it wasn''t going to happen because they weren''t happy. I know if my parents had decided to try and work things out and it failed, it would be the same devastation all over again.


I think its great that you and your husband want to work things out, that would be wonderful for the children to have their parents back together, however, I think you should try and take it slow, let him get the treatment he needs, start dating, see if he really can be a changed man. You owe that to yourself and to your children. Alcoholism is a nasty thing, I''ve been around it my entire life. Some people are able to change, I had two of the best grandparents I could have ever asked for but they wanted to change and they did, my fathers mother is still a drunk who destroyed an entire family because of her abusive ways and destructive tendencies and has shown absolutely no remorse or compassion for those she affected, shes 86 years old and still drinks to this day. Luckily, at a chance encounter, I met one of my dads cousins-he had a striking resemblance to my father and when I heard his last name I asked where he was from. That sparked a family reunion, and its been a very slow rebuilding process.(wanted to throw something positive in there!)


I would try and take some time for yourself, find out exactly what you want for you. I never understood something my mother said to me until recently, she can''t always put her children first, sometimes she''s got to do something for herself. I thought that was so selfish until I realized shes a person too and also deserves to be happy sometimes too. We were never in any danger, she just took sometime for herself. She married the man she cheated with and I''m still not happy about it, but she is happy so that''s ok, because she needs to have a life too. I just fear you are working things out for your children and not for you. If you truly love your ex-husband, and that love is returned from him, you may be ok one day...but this will be a long and tough road for the two of you, as I am sure you know. Just make sure your children and shielded from whatever comes of it, and keep yourself safe. Make sure he really has changed and isn''t just putting his best foot forward before you walk down that aisle again.


Just take some time for yourself, figure out what would make you happy. Let him change for you and for your kids. I''d hate to see anything else bad happen to you and your children by his doing.


Either way, good luck with everything.

Thank you for sharing your very sad story (with some uplifting parts). I hope it helps.

 

[Amzizzle]

First off, Italia''s post was amazing,ans should seriously be read by everyone.

Secondly, This is going to sound a bit harsh...but Wink (if your still reading) you have given advice to many girls/women on this forum about there relationships and telling them how concerned you are and telling them to "open their eyes" about the relationship they are in.

For the sake of yourself and your kids,take your own advice.I also feel by doing this you are negating all the advice you gave to other people,and basically saying everything you said was BS.I''m sorry but how do you expect other people to stand up for themselves and demand respect for themselves if you can''t do it?

I really hope this turns out for the best,but I don''t have high hopes.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/16/2010 3:30:39 PM
Author: onedrop
I really hope WE is still reading. Most of the posts in this thread have been very supportive even when the post disagrees with WE''s decision to remarry her ex. However, I think Italia''s and Nov2109''s posts (as well the others that have related personal stories) are must-reads.

well said - I agree completely