Bridezilla Story

[sumbride]

If I don''t give my mom a list for Christmas I am in danger of getting another beaded zoo animal purse or coat rack with cats doing the cha-cha. My mom has, um... questionable taste... so we''re both happy with the list scenario. My parents have money and I have a Christmas list. Neither make me a spoiled brat. Were I to whine about not getting everything on my list, THAT would make me a brat. And the cats cha-cha coat rack sold surprisingly well on e-bay.

 

[Mara]

haha sumbride...yep the reason my parents and grandma ask for lists is because if they don't then we will inevitably return everything they give us if they don't! and they don't want to waste their time and ours which i can totally appreciate. my mom likes laura ashley, i like banana republic. she doesn't want to shop for me in BR and i don't want to wear laura ashley. so a gift card or whatever works and then she typically gets us small fun things to open that are surprises. if i don't get something on the list, i go buy it myself.

we never used to do lists, my parents just started asking us for them about 10 years ago and now i get HOUNDED by mom if i don't give her one on thanksgiving. i would actually prefer to not do lists but that is the way they feel most comfortable so it's cool. and greg ... i give him a small list and he has the option to purchase or not..i don't care if he does but it makes it easier on him and i know he hates to shop and LIKES to know where my mind is at. so it's just about convenience and making it easier on loved ones IMO.

for me personally, i love shopping for people, i rarely ask for lists from my family or greg, and my parents say i should be a personal shopper because i end up getting the most awesome gifts for people typically. sure there's the off day or two, but in general i am really good at figuring out what they will love and finding it. and then to supplement, if i have a not very creative year or whatever, i give small gift cards to fave stores or small fun gifts etc.

 

[galeteia]

TG, just addressing your post:
"I do agree that registries are about helping guests make a choice. And since you now say that you have no issue with registries, I think it would be fair to say that is not registries, or christmas lists that deeply offend you...but people insisting that you purchase off that list that is offensive to you?"

I agree that people insisting that their gift must be off that list, and only off that list is offensive to me.

It''s not that I am "now" saying that I have no issue with registries, because what I actually said was I am "offended at the idea that a wedding registry is the equivalent of a christmas list" meaning I don''t like registries that are a "I want X, Y, and Z for christmas" list of demands, which is how the OP''s situation struck me.

And to clarify my housemate''s family situation, the members of her family who ask her for her christmas list are also the members of her family do not respect her or support her emotionally, but throw money around to prove their ''love and affection'' while their behaviour says quite the opposite.

Like I said, I see registries as being a good place to guide choices and to help out those who are at a loss as to what the couple needs. I''d like to think of registries as being a starting point, not the bottom line.

 

[diamondfan]

When I give a gift, I like to think I really try to think of the person, or couple, and find something they will like. Again, it is not whether I like to ski or like their taste in china, but it is for them. So, if I go off the registry, I try to really think about the gift. That said, if they do not love it or have one like it, I am not offended that if they return it. That''s why I put in a gift recpiet. I got some odd stuff and just gave it away, no harm done.

Heard a funny comedian talking about not getting why he should be psyched to get a juicer or a toaster. He proposed letting the groom register at the car supply store or sporting goods store, etc, so that he too could get excited when opening something up! In light of this thread I had to laugh...

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/13/2006 11:24:18 PM
Author: Galateia
TG, just addressing your post:
''I do agree that registries are about helping guests make a choice. And since you now say that you have no issue with registries, I think it would be fair to say that is not registries, or christmas lists that deeply offend you...but people insisting that you purchase off that list that is offensive to you?''

I agree that people insisting that their gift must be off that list, and only off that list is offensive to me.

It''s not that I am ''now'' saying that I have no issue with registries, because what I actually said was I am ''offended at the idea that a wedding registry is the equivalent of a christmas list'' meaning I don''t like registries that are a ''I want X, Y, and Z for christmas'' list of demands, which is how the OP''s situation struck me.

And to clarify my housemate''s family situation, the members of her family who ask her for her christmas list are also the members of her family do not respect her or support her emotionally, but throw money around to prove their ''love and affection'' while their behaviour says quite the opposite.

Like I said, I see registries as being a good place to guide choices and to help out those who are at a loss as to what the couple needs. I''d like to think of registries as being a starting point, not the bottom line.

Ah, I understand. My bad.

 

[Maria D]

Galateia, I fel the same way you do.

Some people (maybe most?) really don''t like to give money as a wedding gift. Some may even feel it''s crass. For these people, a registry is going to be really helpful and I would think they would seek out the knowledge of where the couple is registered rather than go out and buy a set of pots and pans the couple may not need (especially these days when most people get married after already living on their own). But, there are other people that have a signature gift. It''s not that they feel -- hey, I really don''t give a whit what this couple wants, I think hand-made soaps or antique silver pieces are really cool therefore everybody should think so. More likely they are thinking, gee the couple is going to get a ton of stuff they need and most likely a good deal of cash; I''ll bet they never even thought of hand-made soaps; but, knowing them, I''m fairly certain they are going to love this little luxury! The guest is not trying to be spiteful and think only of themselves. Why would anyone even invite someone to their wedding that they suspected would be like this? It doesn''t make any sense to me. But, maybe they are way off and the couple *doesn''t* appreciate the beautiful quilt and would have rathered the guest just came to the wedding with nothing at all since now the couple is now going to have to find something to do with this quilt they''re never going to use and the person wasted all this time making it. What''s the couple going to do? Send a wonderful thank-you note of course, because even if they hate the gift they *like* the guest. They''re going to make this person they presumably like enough to invite in the first place feel good. Etiquette isn''t just a bunch of rules; the end goal is that no one feels uncomfortable or hurt.

If a couple came right out and said at the beginning, look, please buy off the registry (or donate to our honeymoon) or just honor us with your presence because we REALLY don''t want or need anything else, they are going to cause hurt feelings for some of their guests. I would never want to do that to someone I''d invite to my wedding.

 

[tanyak]

Hmmm. Very interesting discussion. I have a friend in her 20s who really seemed to dislike registries. She also had a signature gift - a spice rack. Every couple who invited her to their wedding got it. To me, this was different from handmade soap. Honestly, if you''re going to go through the trouble of ordering and shipping a spice rack, you can do that for something the couple actually wants. I didn''t see all the great and loving "thought" that went into the gift. BUT, I have to say, for my own wedding a couple of weeks ago, she actually got me things I had on my registry. Maybe I frowned one two many times when she said she said she was sending the rack to other weddings.

On the other hand, I have a friend who always buys the toaster on the registry. It''s his thing, and I think that''s cool. But if a toaster ISN''T on the registry, he doesn''t go off and buy it.

I don''t know. I might catch heat for this, but I think the idea that all gift-givers are going waaay out of their way is a bit overblown, and I say that as I gift-giver!

I practically live in Target. Throwing a $25 coffee grinder in my basket isn''t a big deal, so I feel funny when I get overly effusive thank you notes that make it sound like I just helped deliver their first born!

 

[sumbride]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 95px">Date: 9/14/2006 1:17:25 PM
Author: tanyak

On the other hand, I have a friend who always buys the toaster on the registry. It''s his thing, and I think that''s cool. But if a toaster ISN''T on the registry, he doesn''t go off and buy it.

My mom does that with vacuums. She LOVES them. Has 6 of her own! So when she sees that someone has registered for a vacuum she''s all over it. I would tell anyone that wants to invite her to be sure and register for a vacuum! Luckily it''s one of the most appreciated gifts. She didn''t want me to have to wait until I got married though so she gave me my Dyson for Christmas a couple of years ago. MUCH appreciated.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/14/2006 1:17:25 PM
Author: tanyak

Hmmm. Very interesting discussion. I have a friend in her 20s who really seemed to dislike registries. She also had a signature gift - a spice rack. Every couple who invited her to their wedding got it. To me, this was different from handmade soap. Honestly, if you''re going to go through the trouble of ordering and shipping a spice rack, you can do that for something the couple actually wants. I didn''t see all the great and loving ''thought'' that went into the gift. BUT, I have to say, for my own wedding a couple of weeks ago, she actually got me things I had on my registry. Maybe I frowned one two many times when she said she said she was sending the rack to other weddings.

On the other hand, I have a friend who always buys the toaster on the registry. It''s his thing, and I think that''s cool. But if a toaster ISN''T on the registry, he doesn''t go off and buy it.

I don''t know. I might catch heat for this, but I think the idea that all gift-givers are going waaay out of their way is a bit overblown, and I say that as I gift-giver!

I practically live in Target. Throwing a $25 coffee grinder in my basket isn''t a big deal, so I feel funny when I get overly effusive thank you notes that make it sound like I just helped deliver their first born!

Exactly, that is the way I see it too! There is a big difference between buying a spice rack (regardless of whether the couple asked for it) because it''s your thing vs. something like Galateia''s mom who makes soaps with love and care. Same with Deco''s quilts. If it''s a product you have to go out and purchase, why wouldn''t you just buy something off the registry? Unless this chick just wants to be known as Spice Girl?

And re: cash...I know SOOOOO many people who think that is a tacky gift and shows no thought whatsoever. I don''t think it''s tacky because I''m Korean and it''s very customary to give cash to the newlyweds. But I was always surprised how many of my American friends said it was a no-no.

 

[Maria D]

TravelingGal, I'm first gen. Italian-American and my extended family always gives cash. They had never even heard of registries. When my brother got married he was the first one of my generation. His future MIL told my mother where her daughter (the bride) was registered, in case anyone in my family asked. My mother didn't say anything, but later, to me, she was incensed! What? They're gonna tell us what to buy? What if we don't shop at those stores? I tried to explain to her that nobody has to shop anywhere, it's just for people who want to buy a gift rather than give money; here's stuff the bride picked out. She couldn't understand that one at all -- why would you NOT give money....

I don't understand how people who think giving money is crass justify gift cards. I hate giving gift cards! Some stores start deducting money if you don't use them by a certain time. In the past I have given them from small boutiquey type stores for b-day gifts to friends that loved that store only to have the place go out of business before they had a chance to use it. Never again! When we get gift cards, I hate how you have to hold on to it with some practically insignificant balance when you don't use the whole thing up. I just find them to be a nuisance. I would rather give a couple cash than a gift card and let them decide when and if they'll even use it. Maybe they'll save it towards something big or maybe they'd rather pay off existing debt with it; that's fine with me. I'd rather THEY collect the interest on the cash than let Target hold on to it until they get there. But yeah, I too have been told that cash may be considered crass and that a gift card is more personal.

>>And re: cash...I know SOOOOO many people who think that is a tacky gift and shows no thought whatsoever. <<

How much thought do they feel goes into calling up a store, asking what's left on the registry, and buying that? The only people doing the "thinking" when it comes to registry gifts is the couple!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/14/2006 3:46:02 PM
Author: Maria D
TravelingGal, I''m first gen. Italian and my extended family always gives cash. They had never even heard of registries. When my brother got married he was the first one of my generation. His future MIL told my mother where her daughter (the bride) was registered, in case anyone in my family asked. My mother didn''t say anything, but later, to me, she was incensed! What? They''re gonna tell us what to buy? What if we don''t shop at those stores? I tried to explain to her that nobody has to shop anywhere, it''s just for people who want to buy a gift rather than give money; here''s stuff the bride picked out. She couldn''t understand that one at all -- why would you NOT give money....

I don''t understand how people who think giving money is crass justify gift cards. I hate giving gift cards! Some stores start deducting money if you don''t use them by a certain time. In the past I have given them from small boutiquey type stores for b-day gifts to friends that loved that store only to have the place go out of business before they had a chance to use it. Never again! When we get gift cards, I hate how you have to hold on to it with some practically insignificant balance when you don''t use the whole thing up. I just find them to be a nuisance. I would rather give a couple cash than a gift card and let them decide when and if they''ll even use it. Maybe they''ll save it towards something big or maybe they''d rather pay off existing debt with it; that''s fine with me. I''d rather THEY collect the interest on the cash than let Target hold on to it until they get there. But yeah, I too have been told that cash may be considered crass and that a gift card is more personal.

>>And re: cash...I know SOOOOO many people who think that is a tacky gift and shows no thought whatsoever. <<

How much thought do they feel goes into calling up a store, asking what''s left on the registry, and buying that? The only people doing the ''thinking'' when it comes to registry gifts is the couple!

I think you hit the nail on the head...some people think cash is crass because it just means writing a check, where as a gift card means at least the giver thought of a store they may like. Hey, I''m with you...cash is fine by me, as well as customary. I would way rather have cash than a gift card...I always feel like the retailer is hoping you will lose them!

And as for your last line...I guess the sentiment there is that the "thought lies with the fact that they want to give something that the couple wants and at least went through the effort of purchasing the item.

The bottom line is that you can''t please everyone.

 

[Maria D]

>>I guess the sentiment there is that the "thought lies with the fact that they want to give something that the couple wants and at least went through the effort of purchasing the item.<<

And to that I would respond, but my gift of cash doesn''t *preclude* the couple from getting what they really want -- they can still buy it!

I mean really, these days there''s little effort involved in purchasing off the registry anyway. Go online, click, have shipped and delivered. If I were invited to a wedding where I *knew* the couple would be highly offended to get money, I would not give money. But a) I don''t know *anyone* who feels that way when they are on the receiving end, LOL, and b) I still wouldn''t shop from the registry. How can someone who is offended by money have a registry anyway? Cash bothers you but it''s OK to make up a wish-list?

I also don''t get families that make Christmas lists for each other with *exactly* what they want on them. Not like "a cashmere sweaters" but specifically "the mango cashmere sweater from LLBean." If you are going to send people to get exactly what you want, and you are going to get exactly what they want, what exactly is the point? Why doesn''t everyone just do their own shopping, then get together for dinner!

Let''s face it, the only truly *thoughtful" gifts are non-cash off the registry gifts that is *so* the recipient that they just love it. You really strike gold when you get something they love that they never would have thought of themselves. It''s a great feeling to give someone a gift like that! I confess that''s not going to happen for me with weddings -- because boring cash it is.

 

[TravelingGal]

Like I said Maria D, to each their own.

 

[Mara]

that dead horse is starting to smell. we're going to need a cleaning service if this continues!

 

[Maria D]

Mara, I''m not sure why you felt the need to post that. It can''t be because you think *I''m* talking too much as you are in the running for leading contributer to this thread. If I have somehow touched a nerve, I deeply apologize. May I suggest that if you want a thread to die, do not contribute to it. It simply bumps it up for more people to notice, read, and yes, perhaps even respond.

 

[sumbride]

I''m pretty sure it was the "Let''s face it" comment that beat the horse... it sounded like "Let''s face it, I''m right" to me, whereas I think we''ve established here that every culture has different views, every region has different views and almost every person has different views so there is no need for a "Let''s face it" summation.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/14/2006 5:38:32 PM
Author: sumbride
I''m pretty sure it was the ''Let''s face it'' comment that beat the horse... it sounded like ''Let''s face it, I''m right'' to me, whereas I think we''ve established here that every culture has different views, every region has different views and almost every person has different views so there is no need for a ''Let''s face it'' summation.

*ding ding*

(burying horse carcass as we speak...)

 

[decodelighted]

I'd rather be a "Spice Girl" than "Quilt Girl" darn it ...

but FOR gifts TO me, show me the $$$-ey HONEY!!!

Though that Mango cashmere sweater from LL Bean *does* sounds delish, if it comes in Kiwi in an XL V-neck cardigan style with suede elbow patches.

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 9/14/2006 5:38:32 PM
Author: sumbride
I''m pretty sure it was the ''Let''s face it'' comment that beat the horse... it sounded like ''Let''s face it, I''m right'' to me, whereas I think we''ve established here that every culture has different views, every region has different views and almost every person has different views so there is no need for a ''Let''s face it'' summation.

THAT, Sum, was an excellent summation.

 

[Mara]

Date: 9/14/2006 5:57:35 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 9/14/2006 5:38:32 PM
Author: sumbride
I'm pretty sure it was the 'Let's face it' comment that beat the horse... it sounded like 'Let's face it, I'm right' to me, whereas I think we've established here that every culture has different views, every region has different views and almost every person has different views so there is no need for a 'Let's face it' summation.

THAT, Sum, was an excellent summation.

Yep totally...and I don't mind bumping the thread nor responses, NOR do I want the thread to die actually, I loved contributing to this thread. But rehashing the same discussion from 2 days ago is a moot point. aka dead horse. We are all pretty clear on the original topic. To. Each. Their. Own.

Anyway, it was meant to be a JOKE....and there were no nerves struck. I LOVE making lemonade out of lemons. Or pie.

*tossing crocheted pot warmer into the horse's burial plot* One less gift sitting in the hall closet!!

 

[whatmeworry]

Date: 9/14/2006 6:05:52 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 9/14/2006 5:57:35 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 9/14/2006 5:38:32 PM
Author: sumbride
I''m pretty sure it was the ''Let''s face it'' comment that beat the horse... it sounded like ''Let''s face it, I''m right'' to me, whereas I think we''ve established here that every culture has different views, every region has different views and almost every person has different views so there is no need for a ''Let''s face it'' summation.

THAT, Sum, was an excellent summation.

Yep totally...and I don''t mind bumping the thread nor responses, NOR do I want the thread to die actually, I loved contributing to this thread. But rehashing the same discussion from 2 days ago is a moot point. aka dead horse. We are all pretty clear on the original topic. To. Each. Their. Own.

Anyway, it was meant to be a JOKE....and there were no nerves struck. I LOVE making lemonade out of lemons. Or pie.

*tossing crocheted pot warmer into the horse''s burial plot* One less gift sitting in the hall closet!!

I''ll toss a picture frame in there

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/14/2006 6:27:35 PM
Author: whatmeworry

Date: 9/14/2006 6:05:52 PM
Author: Mara

Date: 9/14/2006 5:57:35 PM
Author: ephemery1

Date: 9/14/2006 5:38:32 PM
Author: sumbride
I''m pretty sure it was the ''Let''s face it'' comment that beat the horse... it sounded like ''Let''s face it, I''m right'' to me, whereas I think we''ve established here that every culture has different views, every region has different views and almost every person has different views so there is no need for a ''Let''s face it'' summation.

THAT, Sum, was an excellent summation.

Yep totally...and I don''t mind bumping the thread nor responses, NOR do I want the thread to die actually, I loved contributing to this thread. But rehashing the same discussion from 2 days ago is a moot point. aka dead horse. We are all pretty clear on the original topic. To. Each. Their. Own.

Anyway, it was meant to be a JOKE....and there were no nerves struck. I LOVE making lemonade out of lemons. Or pie.

*tossing crocheted pot warmer into the horse''s burial plot* One less gift sitting in the hall closet!!

I''ll toss a picture frame in there

I''ll toss in a slice of lemon pie with real cream......and my tacky $10 bill.......AND my Christmas list with the mango sweater from LL bean.

(not really - mango looks horrible on me....which is why I wanted the black one, but someone just had to go ''off-list''. LOL)

 

[aljdewey]

Actually, my very late contribution is this:

I don''t mind people making registries, but I couldn''t envision demanding "registry only". That''s just me.

I''m at the stage where I honestly prefer cash/gift cards because I''ve already got much of what I need, and I''d prefer to select things myself that reflect me and my style/taste.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 9/14/2006 7:32:27 PM
Author: aljdewey
Actually, my very late contribution is this:


I don''t mind people making registries, but I couldn''t envision demanding ''registry only''. That''s just me.


I''m at the stage where I honestly prefer cash/gift cards because I''ve already got much of what I need, and I''d prefer to select things myself that reflect me and my style/taste.

Just curious if anyone knows which culture (more than one?) that does the envelope dance at the wedding, where people just give envelopes filled with money to the couple on the dance floor...I know Italian families do it (I saw it in Good Fellas, so it must be true

)...that seems to be a fun and creative way to hand over the dough!!!

P.S. Can I throw the gross marble and metal bird sculpture my hubby''s not that artistically talented cousin made for our wedding gift?

 

[monarch64]

Date: 9/14/2006 11:59:23 PM
Author: diamondfan

Date: 9/14/2006 7:32:27 PM
Author: aljdewey
Actually, my very late contribution is this:


I don''t mind people making registries, but I couldn''t envision demanding ''registry only''. That''s just me.


I''m at the stage where I honestly prefer cash/gift cards because I''ve already got much of what I need, and I''d prefer to select things myself that reflect me and my style/taste.

Just curious if anyone knows which culture (more than one?) that does the envelope dance at the wedding, where people just give envelopes filled with money to the couple on the dance floor...I know Italian families do it (I saw it in Good Fellas, so it must be true

)...that seems to be a fun and creative way to hand over the dough!!!

P.S. Can I throw the gross marble and metal bird sculpture my hubby''s not that artistically talented cousin made for our wedding gift?

Isn''t it also a Polish tradition? My seamstress for my wedding gown was Polish and made her daughter''s gown (600 guests in Chicago, most from overseas) and she mentioned she also made the "envelope box." I could be wrong...please no one throw flames, LOL!

 

[monarch64]

Also, I know I already replied to this thread but I had one more thought:

I used to be kind of anti-registry. That was until I got married/started going to weddings and having to give gifts. At first I was of the mind that I needed to be tasteful and understand what tradition allowed...then I started realizing that the bride didn''t really want another set of crystal champagne flutes for her engagement party. That kinda got me thinking that I should pay more attention to her registry. When I started to plan my wedding 3+ years ago (no access to the Internet, mind you, we were living in the Stone Age in an apt. at the time, lol!) I noticed that every other guest was either bringing an envelope stuffed with cash or check, or a gift wrapped in the registrant''s chosen store wrap! Much as I wanted to "go against the grain" and do my own thing, I realized that in some cases, I would have to give up my sense of "I know what''s classic and right and traditional, and all that" and give in to the popular trend of purchasing a gift from the registry. My own take on it has been to give a gift from the registry for the bridal shower (and I only attend the one out of ? many I''m invited to), and DH and I give cash/check for the wedding gift so we don''t have to worry about shipping or bringing it to the reception.