Can you believe this???

[moderatelypoorstudent]

Hey Jobo,
I''ve been reading your thread the past couple of days.

I think I''m most surprised that you basically asked him (at the end of your post): if he wanted you to A. just put on a happy face and pretend like you two are doing great and not talk about marriage or B. leave him? I guess ... why would you give HIM the option? And 2, why would you just say to him that you would be willing to pretend everything was fine when it isn''t? You didn''t even ask for anything in return for yourself. Is that normal?

Shouldn''t he apologize for the things he has said? Or what he has done?! he bought you a ring and it meant NOTHING to him! He told you that "all along, everything [he did] was to keep you happy" That''s like saying he doesn''t value you at all, just treated you like a pet, someone you feed and then expect to serve you.

I don''t know if you can hear what we are saying, but don''t trample over yourself for him!

 

[Independent Gal]

Yes, MPS has nailed it, this is the bottom line: EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE, so don''t pretend it is. You will only end up sad and bitter. A couple of years older. Back at this same line.

What you want matters. It is not greedy. It is not selfish. It is a worthy, wonderful thing. Honestly? Marriage with all of its difficulties is really wonderful, it''s something very much worth having if it''s what you want. And it IS what you want.

But it''s not what he wants.

That''s fine for him, but you should NOT live your life for what HE wants. It''s YOUR life, and you deserve to live how you want to live. If he doesn''t want that too, you need to find someone else.

I know how hard this must be, but really, listen to yourself. Read what you wrote.

What are your friends telling you, by the way?

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/24/2008 5:41:37 PM
Author: Jobo
his response was that our relationship wasn't fun anymore.

I am always hounding him about marrriage, or living togeher or when are we going to do our next step

this was basically driving him nuts and that we always seemed to be unhappy.

he said that all along everything he did was to keep me happy. He said if I was happy the relationship was happy.

Then I pointedly asked him 'Did you only buy the rings to keep me happy'? and he said... not totally.

thought that we should discuss that sort of stuff when we had actually done the engagement thing

He said no, I think we owe it to ourselves to try and make it work.

His biggest comment is that we should be enjoying our life togetherand then marriage will come up at the right time.

He said we shouldn't just be doing it to tick off boxes or because we were a certain age.

And I do feel the burden of responsibility for our relationship.
I have certainly learnt a few things.
No longer will my life revolve around our relationship.
Nor will I have my blinkers on thinking that I have no other options.

The part on bold bothers me a lot. He's not saying, "I think we owe it to ourselves to try and make it work." he's saying, "I don't want to marry you, and I'll figure a way out and tell her it's 'because we couldn't make it work'."

Hon, he doesn't want to make it work. I'm sorry. We OWE it to ourselves to make it work? WHAT?! Why? If he feels like it's not working now, I don't really see any hope. What is going to change? You'll stop putting pressure on him but then he'll have to come up with another excuse. Because that's what it is-an excuse.

You're hearing what he's saying but not listening. You're giving yourself hope and blaming yourself for something that ISN'T your fault.

I feel for you and I'm sorry he's putting you through this.

ETA: Perhaps you should look up Smurfysmiles' story....

 

[Bia]

Date: 6/24/2008 7:20:20 PM
Author: beebrisk

This is a guy who bought you an engagement ring. A big, serious act that most guys don't take very lightly. It's not something a man usually does just to calm a GF down, or on a whim, or because he *thinks* he wants to get married. I'd say if you polled most men, they'd tell you when they bought that ring they were certain that commitment is exactly what they wanted.

....

Basically he's got you right where he wants you--waiting around for him to return at the end of the week, still there and strung along until he decides the relationship is 'fun' again. In return, you get nothing but a guy who discourages any talk of your future and has dashed your hopes and dreams (unrepentantly, it seems).


What he has shown you is really a terrible act of betrayal. To buy a woman an engagement ring and then say the things he did to you is downright mean. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to live with that and I don't think any woman should subject herself to a man who disregards her like this.


I'm sorry to say, I think you should leave. Let him realize that you are *not* going to be there waiting. I believe if there is any hope for you guys, this is the only way to salvage it. See how 'fun' it is for him not to have you around anymore and go from there.

I agree 100% and I am so sorry to say that b/c it is a tough reality to face for so many women in your exact same situation.

You are not a teenager with a teenage love at hand. You are a grown women who wants marriage and family...soon...and rightly so! If you love yourself and value the woman you are, then you do what you know is best for YOU. You deserve to have EVERYTHING you want in life...and no man has the right to play games...its callous and even on the verge of abusive. You have already waited...you've given him time. Now its appears to be time for you to give back to yourself and to stop walking on eggshells for a man that does not value your needs.

I encourage you to tell him you've had enough and to walk away. If he follows, he does, and at that point you decide what to do, but in the meantime, stop thinking about him and think for yourself. You need to be happy in this life because you really only get one go at it.

 

[princesss]

Honey, he keeps telling you he doesn''t want to marry you, and probably never actually did. He said the reason he bought the ring wasn''t ENTIRELY to shut you up...but if it was just 99.9999% to shut you up, that''s not entirely. He''s keeping you hanging on, and you''re just playing along in his game.

You need to live for you. You want marriage. You want a family. Neither of those desires are selfish, or things you should feel guilty for wanting when your partner doesn''t feel the same. They are things that ought to motivate you to find a partner who wants them JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO. Your man ought to be so excited to marry you he can''t stand it. He shouldn''t be stringing you along until something better comes around. Because, I''m sorry hun, it seems like that''s what he''s doing. He''ll keep you around until somebody he IS excited about marrying comes around. I know that sounds harsh, but sweetie, you''re not actually thinking about this. You''re hoping for it to turn out the way you want it to, and reading so much into what he says that it no longer resembles the words that came out of his mouth. And then, what teeny tiny grains of hope he''s meticulously dropped (because, believe me, he knows what he''s doing), you proudly bring back to show off.

PLEASE put yourself first. PLEASE put your wants and needs first. And then take your money, take your clothes, take everything you own and find a new place to live. He''s not around 4-5 nights a week. You''ve got time to find some place. Go. Run.

 

[Aloros]

I'm sorry - after this new conversation - calmly and rationally, I have to agree with everyone else.

He bought the ring to make you happy?

Where in there does he say that he bought the ring because he wanted to marry you, because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you? Because this is also what would make HIM happy?

Why can't he give you some sort of a timeline?

ETA: Even when I had a LIW mini-freak-out (FI took 4 months to give me the ring), FI would tell me that YES, of course he wanted to marry me and to spend the rest of his life with me - he was just waiting for the right time to ask.

That your bf can't even tell you that he wants to marry you or spend the rest of his life with you (in spite of buying the ring), should say something about his feelings.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I admit it. I am old. I have been married for almost 23 years and honestly I have no advice, because I consider marriage a lot of work. Everyday. Everyday.

I only offer my personal insight--for what it is worth. Your partner is living with you but does not seem to take the commitment seriously. As such, the relationship has the appearances of "love", but there seems to be little accountability on his part. Sorry, I must claim age and old fashioned beliefs here, but how are love and accountability mutually exclusive?

In my experience, marriage is NO guarentee of excitement. If your partner finds the daily grind of partnership odious now--for WHATEVER reason-- it usually does not improve with debates about children/rearing/bills/housing/illness/employment, etc...... He has made his complaints known--but what are his solutions? Having "more fun" is easy, but where is he when the important stuff happens? Naturally, it is easy to blame.

I might be in my dotage, but how he responds/behaves is suggestive of someone who needs to some "growing" space. And you do not necessarily need to be there for his education. Of course he is not responsible for you, yet he doesn''t seem to be there for your couple happiness and long term goals.

Don''t settle. Really, please don''t.

Sharon

 

[hairgirl95]

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you. It breaks my heart to read your words. You are a wonderful woman, and it seems he is just not getting it. All these ladies have given you wonderful advice. This man does not deserve the love you give him. He should treat you like the crown jewel that you are. All my hugs and support are going out to you as you navigate this road. Think long and hard about what is best for you. Because, you deserve NOTHING but the best.

 

[hairgirl95]

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you. It breaks my heart to read your words. You are a wonderful woman, and it seems he is just not getting it. All these ladies have given you wonderful advice. This man does not deserve the love you give him. He should treat you like the crown jewel that you are. All my hugs and support are going out to you as you navigate this road. Think long and hard about what is best for you. Because, you deserve NOTHING but the best.

 

[Amethyste]

My heart goes for you

I have been in your situation before. always remember, YOU come first.
apparently, somewhere in his mind, that is not anmore. If he really valued you
and your feelings, he would have come to you and have a talk with you instead
of making you wait and worry... This being said, I would:

Move on. I know it hurts and I know its not what you want to do. but its something you must.
At least for a while. Until your heart mends a bit, for you to face the reality that perhaps
he''s not into you as much as you are into him. And also, to gain a little sanity.

I know you are away from each other during the week, but please, ask him to not come see you
during the weekend. I know you have the finance thing to work out - but let me ask you, where does
he stay when he''s working that he doenst have to pay rent? I am just suspicious, I would have LOADS
of questions in my mind.

My fiance lives in Germany and I am here in the states - we see each other every 2-3 months, ( we are
in the process to change that ) and I know it seem hard to trust someone that far, but he''s NEVER done
anything that Iwould think that he''s not commited... In your case, I would seriously consider that
it''s time to move on...

If it is meant to be, it will come back to you in many different ways... give him his freedom and at the
same time, you will gift yourself with relief ( maybe not at this moment ) and re-focus your life
in the direction that YoU want and need at this time...

 

[trillionaire]

Gosh, tough situation.

Since you don''t seem ready to let go quite yet, you need to spend the near term focusing on YOU. Your passions, hobbies, FRIENDS, fun, fun, fun. If you like theatre, go. Go solo, go with co-workers. Have your own life, and be busy. Don''t drop everything to accomodate him, either. I am not saying shun him, but just be a busy, happy woman. Once you taste how great a full life is, and he witnesses it, one of two things will happen. He will realize how vivacious and wonderful you are, and he will WANT to commit, or you will realize how fabulous you are, and life can be, and it won''t be so painful to walk away and cut your losses.

Don''t get me wrong.... you can''t fake it. Don''t try to feign fun to pique his interest. Take classes, take up a hobby or sport, be social, make plans. ENJOY YOU! If you do that, the rest will become more clear, and you will have fun in the process

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/24/2008 10:56:38 PM
Author: canuk-gal
HI:

I admit it. I am old. I have been married for almost 23 years and honestly I have no advice, because I consider marriage a lot of work. Everyday. Everyday.

I only offer my personal insight--for what it is worth. Your partner is living with you but does not seem to take the commitment seriously. As such, the relationship has the appearances of ''love'', but there seems to be little accountability on his part. Sorry, I must claim age and old fashioned beliefs here, but how are love and accountability mutually exclusive?

In my experience, marriage is NO guarentee of excitement. If your partner finds the daily grind of partnership odious now--for WHATEVER reason-- it usually does not improve with debates about children/rearing/bills/housing/illness/employment, etc...... He has made his complaints known--but what are his solutions? Having ''more fun'' is easy, but where is he when the important stuff happens? Naturally, it is easy to blame.

I might be in my dotage, but how he responds/behaves is suggestive of someone who needs to some ''growing'' space. And you do not necessarily need to be there for his education. Of course he is not responsible for you, yet he doesn''t seem to be there for your couple happiness and long term goals.

Don''t settle. Really, please don''t.

Sharon

LOL...yes, in fact it is almost a guarantee that the excitement will go missing. I have a $50,000 reward out for mine...

 

[Jobo]

LIW

I have to be honest, what you say makes a lot of sense. If it wasn''t me you were talking about I would agree with you all wholeheartedly.

And yes, I am not happy with what he has said to me. I feel like in the space of 4 days, everything I was working towards has fallen over.

But.... I have learnt and taken onboard all your comments and sentiments.

But I think my direction lays with Trillionaire''s comments. I''m not strong enough to leave him yet. But I have learnt. The gloss has faded.

I will stick with him for the immediate time, but I will be gathering my strength. I am an independant, attractive, fit, vivacious, educuated woman who happens to work quite high up in a construction company (so there are plenty of men around). I have some great friends and all the while I am saving money it can only benefit me in the future if I decide that he has had enough time to make his decision. I do trust him and I do know that whatever happended, our money would be split as it should be.

But from now on I will be a busy, happy, woman on MY OWN TERMS!

And I do honestly believe that 2 things can happen.

1. He see''s how good he really has got it dating me - and we move onto the next step, or
2. I get sick of his act, decide that i can do better, and thats when I say goodbye and walk out on my own terms.

Either way, I will report back to all you wonderful, caring LIW and let you know how I get on.

We all deserve to be happy....

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 6/25/2008 1:41:51 AM
Author: Jobo
Either way, I will report back to all you wonderful, caring LIW and let you know how I get on.

We all deserve to be happy....

We do all deserve to be happy, and I hope in the long run, you can figure out what would make you happiest. In the meantime, I do hope that you give us updates and let us know how you''re doing.

 

[purrfectpear]

I know you trust him about the money thing, but you might consider telling him you want to keep it separate until there is a commitment. Maybe that will show him you have a little backbone without your having to live separately. I don''t see any downside to your having completely separate accounts. Breakups can and usually DO bring out the worst in people. They do things you might never believe, so keeping your money YOURS is not a bad idea just in case things ever turn ugly.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 6/25/2008 2:47:21 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I know you trust him about the money thing, but you might consider telling him you want to keep it separate until there is a commitment. Maybe that will show him you have a little backbone without your having to live separately. I don''t see any downside to your having completely separate accounts. Breakups can and usually DO bring out the worst in people. They do things you might never believe, so keeping your money YOURS is not a bad idea just in case things ever turn ugly.

Ditto. I think it would be a smart move in all respects.

I am so sorry things are going this way for you, honey. It''s so hard to be objective when it''s YOU. But this really does not sound good. When I read that he bought you that ring to keep you quiet, I wanted to cry and punch his face for you. That''s not what you want for the foundation to your relationship, is it? In your place, if he ever gave me that ring, all I would see is me twisting his arm to buy it and him conning me to shut me up, instead of the love and excitement at building a life together. I would feel empty inside, instead of being brimming to the edge with joy. In short, I would be cheated of the life I imagine for myself. Please don''t sell yourself short. You deserve better.

I''m so sorry.

 

[Amethyste]

Date: 6/25/2008 2:47:21 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I know you trust him about the money thing, but you might consider telling him you want to keep it separate until there is a commitment. Maybe that will show him you have a little backbone without your having to live separately. I don''t see any downside to your having completely separate accounts. Breakups can and usually DO bring out the worst in people. They do things you might never believe, so keeping your money YOURS is not a bad idea just in case things ever turn ugly.

OMG YES! Dont make the same mistake I did ( and sooooooooooooo many countless of women as well )
GET YOUR OWN ACCOUNT!!!! Be financially independant aside from him. you NEVER know how things can get
later down the road, trust me, I have known a ''sweet and kind man'' with whom I was with, and when things
turned ugly, i was robbed of all money in my account with nothing to live on.

CYA! ( cover your a$$ )

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 6/25/2008 2:47:21 AM
Author: purrfectpear
I know you trust him about the money thing, but you might consider telling him you want to keep it separate until there is a commitment. Maybe that will show him you have a little backbone without your having to live separately. I don''t see any downside to your having completely separate accounts. Breakups can and usually DO bring out the worst in people. They do things you might never believe, so keeping your money YOURS is not a bad idea just in case things ever turn ugly.

I totally agree with PP.

I''ve been reading your story since you first posted - and I''d really recommend you separate those accounts for the exact reasons she said.

And if things work out, great. You''ve still been saving for a house and planning for your future with him...but if they don''t work out or things get messy, you''ll have a very nice little cushion that is ALL YOURS! For what it worth, I am an attorney and let me tell you, I have seen some really nasty divorces and people bickering about the most asinine things - I''m taking about folks spending tens of thousands of dollars fighting over something of little to no value...I''m sure those people once trusted and loved each other too, you know?

 

[anchor31]

I''ve seen this so many times and it breaks my heart every single time. The woman wants to get married, the man is wshy-washy about it, but the woman won''t leave him because she doesn''t think she can find better. Jobo, you deserve better than this. You deserve to be with a man who WANTS to marry you, and yes you can find this man. Don''t sell yourself short.

Also, something he said caught my attention... He said

all along everything he did was to keep me happy. He said if I was happy the relationship was happy.

That screams self-esteem and dependancy issues. He doesn''t want to marry you, but he doesn''t want to lose you, so he''s willing to do whatever you want so you won''t leave. Even pretend he wants to marry you. Possibly, he could at some point even marry you. But not because he wants to... because he doesn''t want to lose you. Again, you deserve better than this. And believe me, as someone you has seen dependancy and self-esteem issues first hand (my ex and my brother are like this), let me tell you that you should run away from guys like this as fast as you can. They do everything you want because they believe that if they make you happy, everything will be fine. Even if they''re not happy, they''d rather be unhappy in a relationship than single. And if they''re not happy, they blame YOU for it.

Jobo, you ARE strong enough. You saying that you aren''t speaks volumes about how his issues and tricks have undermined your confidence. Don''t give up on yourself!

 

[Bia]

Jobo, please do not believe you''re not strong enough. YOU ARE. In these situations, you have to act. Think less about him and react. You sound like an amazingly clever and lovely person and you deserve everything you''ve ever wanted. Please do not ever think you NEED this man (or any man for that matter) to be completely happy. He does not deserve your love. If he did he would see how hard you try to maintain this relationship and how much you love him. But he doesn''t, that is obvious...we are only basing these facts on what you have told us. It is not healthy to give yourself completely...where you no longer recognize the woman you were. It sounds cliché, everything I am saying, I know.

Think of all the reasons you deserve better and, again, stop thinking that you''re alone or that you''re not worth more. A relationship is 50-50, give and take. It sounds like you''re doing all the work, and giving more love than you''re getting in return--alot more! Please don''t settle for this. These are not the lessons you would want to teach your children (future in this case), so why accept them for youself.

I know you can''t listen to others, you have to do what you you need to do, so after this I will stop (I''ll try

) but just remember that a relationship is only worth saving when both partners give it their all. You''re giving it your all but he is not...and it doesn''t look like that is going to change. Therefore, do not underestimate your worth--there are millions of things (education, travel, hobbies...the list goes on and on) in this life that can be so fulfilling AND, less we forget, there are so many wonderful men out there who will give you everything you deserve and so much more.

 

[krispi]

I just wanted to say amen to everything Anchor posted. My ex-husband later confessed that he married me because he knew it would make me happy, and he figured that if I was happy that would make him happy too. Four years after we were married, we went through a terrible divorce because he had found someone new who he thought would make him happier. That''s never a good situation to get into - I just wish I''d known what he was doing ahead of time.

 

[canuk-gal]

Date: 6/25/2008 1:41:51 AM
Author: Jobo
LIW
I will stick with him for the immediate time, but I will be gathering my strength. I am an independant, attractive, fit, vivacious, educuated woman who happens to work quite high up in a construction company (so there are plenty of men around).

We all deserve to be happy....

HI:

That is excellent and yet really you only need one--one who genuinely cares about needs/wants other than his own. Good luck!

ETA: TG glad motherhood hasn''t dulled your sense of humor......

cheers--Sharon

 

[Fancy605]

Date: 6/24/2008 5:41:37 PM
Author: Jobo


In a nutshell, his response was that our relationship wasn''t fun anymore. He said I am always hounding him about marrriage, or living togeher or when are we going to do our next step and this was basically driving him nuts and that we always seemed to be unhappy.

But... talking about the future IS fun. Or at least it''s supposed to be. In my observations, it seems that guys don''t think it''s fun to talk about the future when they don''t want a future.

Anyway, everyone has made good points already with out me restating the same things. I will say though that I am glad you are gathering strength to potentially move on.

 

[merlinthecat]

Date: 6/22/2008 11:33:17 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Cold feet? No.


That''s what you''re hoping it is. Do yourself a favor and take what he said at face value. Don''t second guess him. Just believe what he says.


It doesn''t matter what he''s said and done before. This is what is called ''late breaking news'' and it''s valid. If he''s so lame as to say these things to you after all the hope he has given you, then just say to him, thanks for clearing that up, I''ll be on my way. I really doubt he thinks you''ll do that, which is precisely why you should. If that makes him think twice, then you can deal with that then, and if not, you won''t have wasted any more time.


Women read too much into what men say, and read it the way they want to. Listen to him. Accept what he said. Time to show him you cannot be jerked around like this.

Ditto to all of the above!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

If you''re not ready to leave, you''re not ready to leave and if you try now, you''ll fold like a cheap suit. As soon as he says "things will be different", you''ll get sucked into the cycle of insanity again. I''ve seen it happen so many times.

Use this time to organize your life so that when you leave you''ll be ready. Find an apartment, take all of your money out of your joint accounts, pour yourself into work, spend time with family/friends and sleep in a separate room.

By the time you leave (and I do hope you will), you''ll wonder why you waited so long for a man who couldn''t meet your needs. Then you''ll wonder why you had so much patience and when you see other women in the same situation that you were once in you''ll yell "RUN!"

I do applaud him for being honest with you--what he said hurt, but it''s all so true. The ball is in your court and right now you are telling him "I will wait for you". I hope that someday very soon you will realize that your needs are not to be tossed aside and that by leaving you are opening up yourself to be treated the way you deserve. I wish you the best!

 

[decodelighted]

The craziest part of this whole thing IMHO ... after all is said & done, you know he doesn''t want to marry you, you know you have to shut up about it and pretend to be "happy" so the relationship is "happy", you know he wasted money on a ring you''ll never get just to trick you, and you know he''s not "having fun" anymore with you ... after ALL OF THAT

You deduce:

That from now on you''ll have to talk about which flowers you want at your wedding with your friends and your mum!!!!!!!

 

[mimzy]

jobo - i'm so glad that you got the courage to talk to him and to take the blinders off and begin to accept the reality of the situation. bravo to you

i just wanted to mention this, since it was what came to mind first after reading your post about your last convo with him. i was horrible during our pre-proposal stage. totally horrible (for a lot of reasons that aren't important here) . i did everything i could to contain it short of stop talking to him completely (not out of anger, i just couldn't seem to get shut up about it inside myself and i couldn't figure out how to not let it carry over into our time together). my now FI made it perfectly clear that my behavior was taking a lot of the fun of getting engaged out of the whole experience and that being around me was no picnic. BUT when i asked him if it made him have second thoughts or want to put off the engagement, he said no, not at all. and he said it in a way that made me believe it (even afterwards when i asked him after the proposal). he had made up his mind that he wanted to be married to me and nothing was going to change his mind, no matter how crazy i got. and that gave me a lot of faith in the relationship and in him - i know that he's not going to book it when things get ugly in the future.

what happens if you two do get married? then things are good, but then they get worse. is he going to pick up and leave because it's not fun anymore? i'm sure he loves you, but i hate to say it (really

) but this guy doesn't appear to have the 'no matter what' kind of love that marriages need. circumstantial love and faithfulness is not something to aim for! you need and deserve a guy that will be with you and love you always, and with no "as long as" clause attached.

good luck in getting your life back together. even if you don't leave him right now, i hope that it is the first step in believing enough in yourself and in the possibilities that life holds to make the next bold step that needs to be made.

ETA: that's great that you are going to take trillionaire's advice and start working on *you*. but DON'T do it with him in mind, with the goal of it being getting him to realize how wonderful you are and commit. don't do it with any sort of audience in mind, just do it for you. otherwise its just a show, an act, even if you are trying to benefit and make it as convincing as possible. even if it works, then what? for the rest of your life you are going to have the pressure of having to appear to be happy, independent, confident, etc even when you don't feel that way (which we all feel like every now and then). if you can't be 100% honest about how you are feeling and what you want to be doing or thinking or talking about, well that's just no way to go through life

 

[nclrgirl]

Jobo,

Good for you deciding to concentrate on yourself! It should be easier with him not around during the week. IMHO, he''s not a keeper. But like you said, you need to be ready before you move on.

One thing though, SEPARATE YOUR FINANCES!!! Please get your own account!

 

[Bia]

Date: 6/25/2008 1:08:13 PM
Author: mimzy
jobo - i'm so glad that you got the courage to talk to him and to take the blinders off and begin to accept the reality of the situation. bravo to you

i just wanted to mention this, since it was what came to mind first after reading your post about your last convo with him. i was horrible during our pre-proposal stage. totally horrible (for a lot of reasons that aren't important here) . i did everything i could to contain it short of stop talking to him completely (not out of anger, i just couldn't seem to get shut up about it inside myself and i couldn't figure out how to not let it carry over into our time together). my now FI made it perfectly clear that my behavior was taking a lot of the fun of getting engaged out of the whole experience and that being around me was no picnic. BUT when i asked him if it made him have second thoughts or want to put off the engagement, he said no, not at all. and he said it in a way that made me believe it (even afterwards when i asked him after the proposal). he had made up his mind that he wanted to be married to me and nothing was going to change his mind, no matter how crazy i got. and that gave me a lot of faith in the relationship and in him - i know that he's not going to book it when things get ugly in the future.

what happens if you two do get married? then things are good, but then they get worse. is he going to pick up and leave because it's not fun anymore? i'm sure he loves you, but i hate to say it (really

) but this guy doesn't appear to have the 'no matter what' kind of love that marriages need. circumstantial love and faithfulness is not something to aim for! you need and deserve a guy that will be with you and love you always, and with no 'as long as' clause attached.

good luck in getting your life back together. even if you don't leave him right now, i hope that it is the first step in believing enough in yourself and in the possibilities that life holds to make the next bold step that needs to be made.

ETA: that's great that you are going to take trillionaire's advice and start working on *you*. but DON'T do it with him in mind, with the goal of it being getting him to realize how wonderful you are and commit. don't do it with any sort of audience in mind, just do it for you. otherwise its just a show, an act, even if you are trying to benefit and make it as convincing as possible. even if it works, then what? for the rest of your life you are going to have the pressure of having to appear to be happy, independent, confident, etc even when you don't feel that way (which we all feel like every now and then). if you can't be 100% honest about how you are feeling and what you want to be doing or thinking or talking about, well that's just no way to go through life

Mimzy: I am glad you brought this up. I think there is a distinction to be made. My situation is very similar to yours--without the engagement part because > I am still a LIW.

I was acting out--similar to the way you were--for a few weeks there (right around the time I joined PS). At the time, I was only thinking about our engagement and couldn't understand why whenever I brought it up, he wouldn't LISTEN!!! When he would tell me, "Babe, its gonna happen, just let me do this on my own!" All I could think was "when and how." I was going nuts, literally...like bonkers. I think I told this story already (I'll make this the very light version), but one day I spoke to a co-worker about her engagement and I was so obsessed that I ran home to tell BF. He thought the story was funny and I saw RED and went off on him--I am surprised looking back that he didn't jump out of the car and hitch-hike. Not until he said, "You are not making this enjoyable anymore," or something to that effect, did I realize what I was doing. Here lies the difference Jobo, at no point in time, before, during or since then, has he ever made me feel like I am not his future wife, or that I don't deserve to be. He deals with my craziness and maybe he hates it, maybe he secretly loves it, who knows? The point is, he wants to marry me of that he is certain. He was ALWAYS open to it, and is now certain.

You need to be with someone who wants those things for you and with you. You deserve it lovey. Thats all. I tried not to post again but I couldnt help myself >

I just want you to be happy...

 

[Rhea]

Date: 6/25/2008 1:03:18 PM
Author: decodelighted
The craziest part of this whole thing IMHO ... after all is said & done, you know he doesn''t want to marry you, you know you have to shut up about it and pretend to be ''happy'' so the relationship is ''happy'', you know he wasted money on a ring you''ll never get just to trick you, and you know he''s not ''having fun'' anymore with you ... after ALL OF THAT


You deduce:


That from now on you''ll have to talk about which flowers you want at your wedding with your friends and your mum!!!!!!!

What she said.

You''re staying in this because you''re hoping that he''ll fold, yes? Maybe he will, maybe he won''t but whatever the case I''m glad to see that you''re being slightly more honest with yourself. I do wonder how you''re going to handle it though. I dated a guy I wanted to marry so badly and just like Mimzy it spilled over into every aspect of our time together. I would mention that I like lilies, he didn''t. Rather than dismiss it I wanted to have a conversation on why not. Everything is affected.

You may be able to keep up the cheer and not talking about what you want from life for a while but eventually I think you''ll either start doubting yourself and your self-esteem will become affected, or you''ll walk.

I''d love nothing more for you to come back and tell all of us "I told you it''d work" in a year''s time. Best of luck and please do keep us updated.