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Completely Devastated...

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yes that would work. thanks for the input. i will try and hopefully the money will be gone as bad as that sounds. i just want to know what is going on. you ladies ave been so helpful and i seem to feel a little better about the situation. i will set out my money on the counter and check that night when i get home from work to see if it is still there. i will update you ladies as this progresses. i am sorry if you think that i am stupid for believing my bf but until i have proof that is the only thing that i can trust right now. it is a gut instinct that i have about him. i hope it is right and i hope that it isnt him, but i guess that i will find out soon. but what happens if the person that is taking it isnt putting it in their wallets? they will then know that i am looking and stop taking it until time passes. how do i know who did it if they dont put it in their wallets?
 
i am wondering if he knows something about who took the 20 from me last week. i was freaking out because i couldnt find it and he said dont worry yyou probably dropped it in your room or it is on you dresser like you usually do. he tried to calm me down and i told him that i was just going to have to borrow money from him and he said that he figured i would say that. what does that mean? if anything. i hate this so much and cant even begin to think what will happen. should i take a break from him or act normal? i feel bad because he could be innocent in the end and i will feel terrible, maybe it will make him realize that he needs to talk to me and tell me the truth if he hasnt already or make him want to help me find out who is doing it? dont you think he should want to help? i guess the first thing that he thinks about is my parents blaming him once again so maybe i will see if he wants to help me. if he was innocent he wouldnt mind going to get a camera with me stuff, right?
 
>>i feel bad because he could be innocent in the end and i will feel terrible

If he is innocent, and if he loves you and trusts you, he''ll understand if you have to take some time to yourself to figure things out, or until this thing is resolved. I don''t have a suspicion one way or another, but I do know that if I were in his situation I would want my SO to do whatever they needed to feel comfortable that I was being honest. I would do whatever I needed to in order to clear my name, and if that meant allowing some ''cooling off'' time to figure things out I wouldn''t hold it against them.

Also, consider the fact that if your parents suspected him right off the bat, perhaps they have observed other things that made them lean that way to begin with? You may want to have a talk with them and ask why they suspected him initially. It may prove to be enlightening.
 
well, my parents have not seen anything else. i asked them that when they confronted me about it. but they have been missing money off and on for a few months they said. i dont want to not spend time with him because he is my support through all of this. my mom said that she had money in her purse laying on the counter by the door and it was gone when she went to get it the next morining. so my dad then said that bf goes out that way to go home and if it is 9:30ish before he leaves...it is getting ridiculous. i dont want to not see him. my theory is innocent until proven guilty. if the key was easy access by the door who knows what could happen. he is the type of guy that if i tell that i need some time by myself he will get mad and think that i am breaking up with him. i dont want to take time to myself because i can do that while still with him. he will assume i need some time alone because i am accusing him. he is very sensitive when it comes to that stuff, as am i. we have never broken up before. it has been a straight 4 years long relationship. and as far as my parents go, they will accuse anyone of something happening as long as it isnt either of them or their precious little boy. so that is why i dont trust them. they would paint the ground gold as long as it ment that my brother was innocent. that is why i am so reliant on my bf and supportive of him. my father accused my bf of leaking oil out of his car when he hadnt even parked where the oil leak was or had the same car. they blame everyone but themselves. THAT is why i am very weary about them thinking what they think. as long as they dont have to believe that their son did it because he goes to church all of the time and he COULDNT have done it for those reasons. I hope you are seeing the pattern. i wouldnt be surprised if they found out that it was my brother but didnt want to believe it and just blamed it on someone else. They are very much not normal. i agree that they can see stuff that i might not always catch but when they think certain ways for certain reasons it isnt okay.
 
I totally understand what it''s like to cope with unreasonable parents. Trust me, been there, done that, go the t-shirt :)

But this makes me worry:

>>he is the type of guy that if i tell that i need some time by myself he will get mad and think that i am breaking up with him.

This is not the kind of behavior that makes a stable or happy relationship.
 
no sorry i think you misunderstand. he loves me so much that he would be really hurt and get upset if i said that i wanted to take sometime to myself. to both of us, taking some time to ourselves/a break is like breaking up and that is the last thing that the two of us want to do. he worries about losing me for valid reasons because he wants to marry me. we all worry to some extent. sorry if you took that as a needy bf that worries about breaking up etc. he is very understanding. i just know that he will get sad and say that that is not the way to solve problems. i dont want him to be sad. he is very sensitive at times. and opinionated unfortunetly.
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Wow, this is some heavy stuff. I would think it would be very odd that in the past six months your boyfriend has started stealing. I think it would be more likely that your 12 yr old brother would start stealing money. Think about it, he''s probably starting to go through puberty and he''s got all sorts of funky hormones affecting his brain. Also, there is alot of pressure on a 12 yr. old to keep up with his friends. He might not have bought anything yet, but could be stock piling the money for a future purchase. You just never know. You know your boyfriend. Don''t let your parents accusations affect your perception of your boyfriend. Do you believe him? If you do, they trust that he''s telling you the truth. I would be extremely hurt and defensive if my boyfriend alluded to me stealing from him and his family, even though I didn''t do it. It sounds like there have been some issues in the past between your boyfriend and your parents. Did you ever think that maybe he did ask for there permission, but your parents may not like him and are going to put a stop to any engagement plans he might have?

Unfortunately this is the type of situation that you don''t know who you can trust. Go with your gut and don''t risk your relationship with your boyfriend on your parents haphazard accusations. I hope you get this worked out!
 
i agree with nebe and cleopatra - mark those bills!!

even if it is sort of sneaky, and i don''t usually recommend the sneaky, but it might put your mind at ease. let your parents in on it and have them check your bros money. he''s only 12 right? 12 year olds can be sneaky, but your parents will probably be able to find it if he took it.

it might feel a little dirty, but i''m sure you could find an excuse to go into your bf''s wallet. ask to borrow a couple dollars when you are standing near it so you can go in there yourself, offer to get money out while he is driving for a toll booth or drive thru or something.

if you''re not comfortable doing that, then that''s cool, but if you are, then there are definitely ways to pull it off pretty inconspicuously.

sorry you''re having to deal with this
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Calm Down.

You are working yourself up on here and that will do no good.

I am thinking very basically now and would like to raise these points...
1. Is it a dealbreaker? If he stole, no matter what the reason would it be a dealbreaker for you?
2. What if he did steal from you and your family?

He may have a ''good'' reason which could be worked out in your relationship/marriage ordinarily, but not, if this gets blown out of all proportion; and you each are backed into your respective corners. Tread lightly, unless of course question 1 is yes, stealing and deceit is a dealbreaker.


3. What if he didn’t?


What if he is a victim of circumstance? Tread lightly. Your mistrust may ruin his faith in your solidarity. It could be a turning point for him (it would be for me).


So my advice to you is...


* Please try to calm down.


* It is NOT the biggest of deals in the scale of ''serial killer/cheater/gay - breaking your favourite vase''.
* Decide if stealing per se is a dealbreaker for you.
* Do NOT tell him ever that your family brought this to your attention if you want the relationship to continue. Big bag of worms and very possibly will sour his relationship with your family if 1. he did it or 2. he did but it has been worked out 3. he didn''t do it.
* Think hard why he would do this.
* Think carefully about including your family in future discussions. This is a hard decision; you clearly need their support now but if you choose to work it out or if he is innocent then it may be hard to close the door for your family or your BF on misconceptions and distrust which may have formed.
* Change your screen name. (If he is computer savvy, or knows about PS - at least your avatar if he dosen''t know your screen name).

I am sorry if my advice is not welcome, I mean it with the best intentions.


BIG HUG.
 
wow, to tell you the truth, my parents wouldnt even want to go through my brothers money. they would think it was wrong for me to think that he took it. just like i did before about the walmart thing, they got all defensive for him but not my bf. that is the thing. they love my bf, nothing has happened between them before. my father jokes with him and my mother cooks dinner for him, etc. this just came out of nowhere. for goodness sakes my dad joked to my bf about asking me to marry him. they know that we will get married and that engagement is inevitable. i am sure that if my bf was going to ask me tonight that chance is shot to you know where. maybe not, but who knows. i DO believe my bf but who did it? i will try the dollar bill thing but there is a chance that my brother will not get caught if he did it. life sucks sometimes doesnt it.


he knows i talk on this forum but not which forum as in pricescope so i am okay there. i dont know if it would be a dealbreaker. i love him so much and he is not that kind of person at all to me which is why i would be shocked and very very very upset. so i guess that i would have to see.
 
wow, i''m sorry! after so much reading i forgot that they didn''t want to think of suspecting him. sorry!
 
Date: 10/31/2007 4:27:41 PM
Author: Steel

Calm Down.

You are working yourself up on here and that will do no good.

I am thinking very basically now and would like to raise these points...

1. Is it a dealbreaker? If he stole, no matter what the reason would it be a dealbreaker for you?
2. What if he did steal from you and your family?

He may have a ''good'' reason which could be worked out in your relationship/marriage ordinarily, but not, if this gets blown out of all proportion; and you each are backed into your respective corners. Tread lightly, unless of course question 1 is yes, stealing and deceit is a dealbreaker.



3. What if he didn’t?



What if he is a victim of circumstance? Tread lightly. Your mistrust may ruin his faith in your solidarity. It could be a turning point for him (it would be for me).



So my advice to you is...



* Please try to calm down.



* It is NOT the biggest of deals in the scale of ''serial killer/cheater/gay - breaking your favourite vase''.
* Decide if stealing per se is a dealbreaker for you.
* Do NOT tell him ever that your family brought this to your attention if you want the relationship to continue. Big bag of worms and very possibly will sour his relationship with your family if 1. he did it or 2. he did but it has been worked out 3. he didn''t do it.
* Think hard why he would do this.
* Think carefully about including your family in future discussions. This is a hard decision; you clearly need their support now but if you choose to work it out or if he is innocent then it may be hard to close the door for your family or your BF on misconceptions and distrust which may have formed.
* Change your screen name. (If he is computer savvy, or knows about PS - at least your avatar if he dosen''t know your screen name).

I am sorry if my advice is not welcome, I mean it with the best intentions.



BIG HUG.
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Well...stealing to me is a breach of trust...and I would say lack of trust is a dealbreaker. Trust is the core foundation for any good relationship.
 
yes i think that about trust too. but i love him as the person he is so much now that if it was him, i truly do not know what i would do. part of me wants to dump him and ask him, how dare you i thought that you loved me and the other part of me wants to forget about it because he is such a great guy and he means so much to me. i still believe him so we will see what happens within the next couple of days.
 
Date: 10/31/2007 4:37:39 PM
Author: diamondsgirl22
yes i think that about trust too. but i love him as the person he is so much now that if it was him, i truly do not know what i would do. part of me wants to dump him and ask him, how dare you i thought that you loved me and the other part of me wants to forget about it because he is such a great guy and he means so much to me. i still believe him so we will see what happens within the next couple of days.
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Well, I hope for your sake he didn''t do it!

But I do find that one sweeps things under the rug, it makes for a pretty scungy floor, and sooner or later that rug gets nasty enough that it''s going to make you sneeze...
 
yes i agree with you 100%. i dont know for sure if i could stay with him if he did it. i guess that it is one of those cant make a decision until i am in that spot. i just love him and for him to do something like that would go against everything that we have and have had. i would feel like this relationship was a big lie. i just have known him for 5 years and find it hard to believe that someone who loves me so much would do that to me. i hope that i can find out the truth and soon.
 
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Really think about everything before you come to a conclusion. If you have been with your boyfriend for 4+ years and lets say the stealing has only occured for the past 6 months, then to me it sounds more likely it could be someone else (ie your brother for example).

Although you should listen to your parents concerns whatever they may be, ultimately it is you who has to make a decision. Just as it is difficult to think your bf stole money, your parents will probably have just as hard of a time believing their own son stealing money. Try not to make a decision as to who/what you believe until you do some further investigating. Definelty keep your eyes open for any other warning signs or suspicous activity.

Best of luck to you.
 
Date: 10/31/2007 2:05:51 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 10/31/2007 1:49:23 PM
Author: diamondsgirl22
i just want to know if someone that you love would actually do that. not particularly mine but i just want the truth.
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Simply: yes. People we love do bad things. Hopefully you find out *before* you marry them. I can think of many examples here on p-scope of ladies who were very much in love with their fellas only to find out they were cheating, or a ''woman beater'', or lying about graduating college, or into drugs/gambling, or had secret kids, or were trying to get them to commit biz frauds, or were actually gay. All of the ladies were TOTALLY SHOCKED. So, YES, it can and does happen.
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Do you or anyone in your family own a blacklight? If so, they sell these powders that are hard to see in normal light, but would make the hands of anyone who touched a bill dusted with them glow under blacklight: http://www.homespy.com/powder.htm. That way you could definitely trace where the bill went, even if it wasn''t into a wallet...
 
Eek. Well, it is something that a 12 yr old could go through as a stage.

But I have to say, I don''t see how a grown man pilfering from my wallet could be anything other than a dealbreaker. On so many levels.

I hate to say this, but I really hope it was your brother, because at 12, it can be a stage and forgiveable after a few stern discussions about why stealing is wrong (including the suspicion! and resulting stress it put on your relationship with BF! ) and a meaningful consequence like him having to pay it all back. 12 year olds aren''t fully morally developed yet. One way they become morally developed is by facing the human consequences of their actions and being held responsible.

But a grown man? Who''s considering marriage? Stealing money from his girlfriend and her family ? ?? I mean, if it were me that is pretty much unforgiveable.

I reeeeeeally hope it was your brother! No offence to him, of course.
 
Wow, ladyciel! Those powders are impressive!
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So a question for you. If your parents really like your BF like you said, and the last thing they would want to do is accuse him, is it possible that this IS the last thing? I.e., they already pretty much know that he stole from them (like with the timing thing) and just didn't want to come right out and tell you because they don't want to be the "cause" of your breakup or they don't want to push YOU away from them and into his arms?

Just a thought here...because if they like him as much as you say, I don't think they would tell you they were suspicious of him unless they were pretty sure. But that is JMHO.
 
This is all pretty gnarly...

I noticed you didn't have too much time here on PS, so I went back over your previous posts - to get to know a bit about you. Does the "22" in your name mean that you're 22 years old?

This stood out to me:

"He is keeping his promise (to propose to you) thus far because he said by the end of October. When we were in pittsburgh we had a nice dinner at the restaurant Eleven and went up the incline. while up there we obviously started a fight about why he hadnt asked yet. I cried, he hollered, the typical liw convo with their ff."


That's not a "typical" lady in waiting conversation with a boyfriend. It doesn't appear that you'll be engaged by midnight tonight, or that you should be, either. You have some things to sort out, get past, work through, learn about each other, accept (or not)... not the least of which is the pressure over the status (engaged/not engaged) of your relationship. As things stand, he clearly cannot keep the promise he made to you. Was that promise made under duress? That's a tough way to start a lifelong commitment...
 
Wow, your situation is terrible and I really hope your boyfriend is not the culprit. I agree with many others and think you need to try to figure out who is stealing immediately. Since you know money has been missing, I think you need to get organized. From now on, keep track of exactly how much money you have in the house. Tell your parents to do the same. I''d also try to leave a $20 out when only my boyfriend or brother is at the house. That way, if the $20 or any money from your wallet/purse is gone, you will know who took it. For example, maybe leave some money out right after your boyfriend leaves your house at night. That way, your brother has an "opportunity" to take the money at night, in the morning or after school. If it it gone, you know there is no possible way your bf took it.

I think you need to rule your bf out before you get engaged. From now on, try to not talk about the missing money to your bf or brother at all. If they know you''re worried about missing money, they will be less likely to take money anytime soon. Good luck figuring out the thief, and keep us updated.
 
So sorry this is happening to you. I read some of the threads, but I wanted to know if anyone has confronted your little brother. I know you said that your parents would never dream of it being him..but if it is.... and he knows that know one would ever confront him...well then why not. My son is 13 and he knows better than to steal...but I would never be dumb enough to think or say.."he would never do something like that." You just never know. I hope for your sake it''s not your BF..along with the powder thing..I''d be buying one of those "nanny cams" about now..whether it''s a camera hidden in a plant or in a teddy bear...I don''t know how much they run, but this would sure answer sooooooooo many questions.
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What a terrible situation!

I actually have some hope for you! You have to read til the end to see the Hope.

I had money go missing, then cds, then jewelry. I asked DH if he had been into my purse, loaned cds, etc. he always said no. My sister was hanging out with a horrible group of people. She and her BF stayed the night at my house. Two days later I realized the jewelry and RX pills were gone. I was terribly hurt and confused because it looked like the only person was my sister. I struggled with it for 3 months, thinking "if she needed it, at least she has it now." I didn''t know what to do or how i could get over it. One day a neighbor tells me his garage has been broken into. I go to tell another neighbor. While I''m talking to her to warn her of a potential thief in the neighborhood (hoping desperately that it''s not my sister) I see MY bracelet laying on HER table. Her husband had just given it to her as a gift. I told her all the things that went missing. She returned several cds and dvds, two diamond rings and a diamond bracelet. Another piece of jewelry was long gone as was the cash. So, it was my neighbor all along. Somehow he figured out how to get in our house. But, at least when I knew it was him, I knew it WASN''T my sister.

I hope this situation works out for you.
 
Date: 10/31/2007 11:11:55 PM
Author: somethingshiny
What a terrible situation!


I actually have some hope for you! You have to read til the end to see the Hope.


I had money go missing, then cds, then jewelry. I asked DH if he had been into my purse, loaned cds, etc. he always said no. My sister was hanging out with a horrible group of people. She and her BF stayed the night at my house. Two days later I realized the jewelry and RX pills were gone. I was terribly hurt and confused because it looked like the only person was my sister. I struggled with it for 3 months, thinking ''if she needed it, at least she has it now.'' I didn''t know what to do or how i could get over it. One day a neighbor tells me his garage has been broken into. I go to tell another neighbor. While I''m talking to her to warn her of a potential thief in the neighborhood (hoping desperately that it''s not my sister) I see MY bracelet laying on HER table. Her husband had just given it to her as a gift. I told her all the things that went missing. She returned several cds and dvds, two diamond rings and a diamond bracelet. Another piece of jewelry was long gone as was the cash. So, it was my neighbor all along. Somehow he figured out how to get in our house. But, at least when I knew it was him, I knew it WASN''T my sister.


I hope this situation works out for you.
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are you flipping kidding?!!??! holy crap!!!!
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Date: 10/31/2007 2:05:51 PM
Author: decodelighted

Simply: yes. People we love do bad things. Hopefully you find out *before* you marry them. I can think of many examples here on p-scope of ladies who were very much in love with their fellas only to find out they were cheating, or a 'woman beater', or lying about graduating college, or into drugs/gambling, or had secret kids, or were trying to get them to commit biz frauds, or were actually gay. All of the ladies were TOTALLY SHOCKED. So, YES, it can and does happen.


LOL deco you have the best memory. when you put it that way....
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Moon Water~ This guy was a complete creep! DH helped him work on his car repeatedly. When their daughter needed a place to go after school, she came to our house. She came over for help with her homework, too. This guy was in my house invited!

He just got out of jail last month. He was supposed to serve 7 years for our burglary, and 12 years for the neighbor''s burglary. The guy was out in 2.5 years. Now, I know that there are REALLY bad people who need the cells, but come on. That''s ridiculous!
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I''m afraid that I have to agree with Deco and TG -- some of his responses are what I''d expect from someone who had been stealing the money. The Walmart thing just doesn''t sit right with me, and getting upset at your parents when you only said that money was missing could be an attempt to deflect attention and get you to side with him as a victim of your unreasonable parents rather than continuing to try to analyze things rationally.

Date: 10/31/2007 3:11:24 PM
Author: diamondsgirl22
i guess the first thing that he thinks about is my parents blaming him once again so maybe i will see if he wants to help me. if he was innocent he wouldnt mind going to get a camera with me stuff, right?
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Date: 10/31/2007 4:46:24 PM
Author: diamondsgirl22
i hope that i can find out the truth and soon.
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Do you really want to find out the truth, or do you just want to stop the stealing? By alerting him to the fact that he''s under suspicion and getting him involved in how you''re going to catch the thief, you''re tipping him off to the fact that it''s not safe to steal, or (if he knows exactly where the camera is) that it''s not safe to steal from a particular location. If he is stealing, this will make it more difficult for him but won''t allow you to catch him and know for sure. If your brother is stealing, or your neighbor, or some other friend, that''s a different matter. But from everything you''ve said, it sounds that as much as you''d like to believe that he''s not responsible, you''re really not sure.

If stealing is a deal breaker for you (that sort of deceit would definitely be for me), it would be better for you in the long run to keep some level of suspicion towards everyone while you''re trying to figure out who did it. The theory of innocent until proven guilty is great for the legal system, but not great for ensuring that you know whether or not he''s responsible for the thefts before you get engaged/married. Sometimes you really need to look out for your best interests first.

I really hope that everything works out for you.
 
okay so after a talk with my mother, my father gave me the completely WRONG idea of how he and my mother were thinking. he NEVER said that it was B and when i talked to my mom she said that she talked to him and he realized that he might have made it sound like it was him. They went on to say how they were sorry if they made it sound like it was B and that they never think that he would steal from them. my dad sometimes says stuff out of anger only to realize that he didnt mean for it to sound that way. dont we all. my mother said that i should trust B with everything i have and that it is a good idea to trust him that much. i found out some interesting stuff along the way also. someone was peeing in our toilet every once and a while and it was none of my family members because we never really use the downstairs bathroom at night. also money stopped disapearing and the toilet was not peeid in after my mother moved the key from the obvious place that it was in. our naieghbor is older and takes about 10 different pills. really creepy that someone was coming into our house and doing that and we never knew it if he was. as far as the engagement thing goes I still want to marry him. i realized that i should always be able to trust him and why i love him. he told me he realized my concern about stealing and told me that he would never want to do that becasuse he knows that it would hurt me so bad. The reason he didnt is becasue my parents ans his think that we need to wait a little longer and also until things are better finacially and everthing. he also gave his parents all of the money from his savings that he was going to use for a ring to them to help them out becasue they needed it. aww. well, i will write more later. any other questions?
 
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