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Conflicted...wasn''t expecting this...

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Cookie_tyme

Cookie_tyme

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 5, 2007
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159
So, last night, dh presented me with a .88 ideal cut G SI1 round brilliant, and he was so moved he teared up. I loved the stone, but the setting style is OK, and in a metal that is NOT OK. It looks pretty much like this, in 14K white~

The problem is, I''ve been waiting for this ring for 23 years. And even though I shown him again and again what I loved, this is what he got. Basically I love 14K yellow, cathedral, much like D. Vatche''s Royal Crown. This one is just not "me." So, I''m sitting here, at 4:45am, unable to sleep for the anxiety of the whole matter. I''m really trying to like it. But I find myself tearing up in frustration...

Any suggestions?

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Oh yeah, he had it custom made too, which being frugal, further frustrates me.
 
No suggestions here, just sympathy. This would be a really hard situation to be in. It''s hard to tell the truth since the setting probably isn''t returnable. Engagement rings are one of those funny presents in that they are so wrapped up in emotions. Unlike any other present it''s fairly acceptable for the giver to give what they want to give rather than what the receiver wants to receive. But also unlike any other present it''s the one thing the receiver is expected to wear, look at, and cherish every day.

Have you started to look at wedding bands yet? When he realises that you like a yellow gold band and that no band will sit flush with the e-ring he may come to understand that you want something else, which could open up conversations about the ring.
 
That''s a tricky situation. It''s a beautiful ring--looks like a Mark Morrell piece that I love (except yours has an added line of metal on either side). I''m not sure what I would do in your situation--I think I''d be really curious why he chose (or in this case went out of his way to design) a ring that didn''t incorporate the elements that were most important to you. Have you asked him about his thought process behind the ring? You could maybe tell him that it''s such an unusual design (which it is) that you are wondering how he ended up choosing it? And maybe once you hear why he chose it, you might fall in love with it?

I know some other women have been unsure about the styles of their rings at first but have grown to love them for what they represent, instead of what they are. But it is rather a bummer that it''s not what you had showed him. This is why I am not a ''surprise'' person.
 
He liked the number 8 that it made if you held it vertically, 8 being the number of completion, or new beginnings. Thus the .88 rb. I have tried to focus on that, and I think that''s what got me through the evening. But after I showered this morning, I left it in its box.

DH knows I''m not completely happy with it. Last night I confessed to him that I was surprised by the white gold. "That design looks best in white gold," was his reply. (He''s an engineer, used to the concept of designing things.) Then this morning he noticed I wasn''t wearing it. I told him I needed to get used to it slowly. I also gently explained that I had looked forward to wearing it with my original wedding band, which I now don''t know what to do with. He said, "Wear it alone." It is definately a piece that can hold its own. I''m just not used to it. Also, I want to wear the yellow gold wedding band I wore for the first 23 years. It has a lot of sentiment. Besides the obvious, I carried and nurtured 5 kids wearing that band.

I guess the bottom line is, diamond in white metal is just a lot of grey to me. I like to see the contrast between yellow gold and white diamond. Perhaps when the rhodium plating wears off...

I could pull my hair out. This was a HUGE deal to me, and now it''s all mixed up and confusing.
 
I think that you''re approaching this the right way, with caution. Since he seems open to talking about it tell him why you like you original yellow gold band and want to continue wearing it on your left hand. If you like to mix metals you could get the diamond ring resized and wear it on your right hand. Since you two have already established a life together and he knows your preferences I''m really not getting why he didn''t stick to those or at least consult you before having it custom made.
 
Oh, sweety! No advice, just wanted to give you some sympathy. That''s a toughy. The ring IS objectively lovely, as is the symbolism of infinity latent in all those 8''s. Plus, I bet that diamond blows your mind! Concentrate on teh diamond! concentrate on the diamond!

Also, I absolutely LOVE two-tone: what about getting another yellow band to stack on the other side of it. That could look very cool. That way, you sandwich it in yellow between your w-band and the new one, and get a great two-tone look.

That''s all I can offer, I''m afraid. I''m so sorry that your hubby didn''t listen to you on this.
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Well how exciting that you finally got your ring first of all! And so much thought w/ all the 8''s...wow! It sounds like your hubby has put a lot of thought into this.... I second pretty much what everyone else has said - bring up the fact that it is really important for you to still wear your gold band - suggest re-doing the setting, keeping it similar but in a way that would allow your original band to stay
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) Good luck!
 
I know it might wear away quickly, but could you get it plated in yellow gold? I know your hubby said that he thinks the design looks best in white, but if you love yellow, maybe that would be a way to reach a compromise?
 
Wow, I have to say that is one of the most beautiful rings I''ve seen...I''m biased because that is completely, 100% my taste
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As far as your taste goes, I''m sorry it''s not what you wanted.
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(hugs)
 
It''s a beautiful and unique setting! I love the white gold, it''s modern, clean and showcases the diamond better than yellow gold would. But that''s just my taste...

I think maybe you could wear it for a bit and if you don''t love it - plate it with yellow gold.

I love how he put so much thought into the design with the 8''s and all... I think it would be a pity to get another design that wouldn''t symbolize all the thought he put into it...

If it were horribly ugly I would understand - put it''s actually a very beautiful ring. You are lucky to have it!
 
It is a lovely ring in its own right, and I''m hoping I''ll come to love it.

As for how dh could miss, firstly, he''s often absent-minded, thinking deep thoughts while I prattle on about what I do or don''t like. (Anyone seen Flubber?) Also, I had shown him some rings like this, and told him I thought they were neat. BUT, I tried one on and reported back to him very clearly that I DID NOT care for the style after all. He sure looked like he was listening... I guess he wasn''t.
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I think he really liked them when I pointed them out, and was fixated on that look.

Hey, I''ve heard of worse things, like one gal I know telling her bf she wanted a round diamond, but he got her a princess. She was good natured about it. I have to say I wouldn''t be. At least in my situation I can change the setting eventually, but it''ll still be the same beautiful .88 ct diamond dh gave me on the first day of summer, in our 23rd year of marriage.

I feel somewhat calmer about the whole thing. I just have to focus on the diamond!
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Thanks for all the kind and wise words everyone!
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I do feel your pain, this happened to me with my 20th anniversary ring, I just recently changed it somewhat and I am on my 24th anniversay, I think the ring is very pretty, I do understand why you would want to continue wearing your current wedding band, if you dont want to go to the two tone look, maybe you could wear it on your right hand, that way you can still wear it every day.
 
I have to confess from the onset of this post that I love my ring and I picked it out so I dont fully know what ladies go through when they're presented with something they would never have chosen for themselves. I'm sorry you dont love your new ring...but it really is a beautiful and unique setting, I mean that in the best sense too! And the sentiment behind the infinity design is really dear as well.

So that said, let's see if you can learn to love this ring since it was designed with a lot of love and good intentions...What if you got two - yeah TWO - ring guards made in yellow gold with either channel, bead or prong set small diamonds along the top, and the guards followed the flow of the outer edges of your new ring? That would give you the yellow gold you're looking for, plus some extra bling. Would that work? I'm lousy with photoshop but maybe someone can whip up some options for you to look at.

Also, I understand wanting to continue wearing your initial wband but could you wear the band alone sometimes, and then the new ring alone or with guards, when you wanted something a bit flashier?

ETA: If you really dont think you'll learn to love this ring, I think you should talk to your husband about re-setting it pronto. Dont wait too long because you might be able to get a credit on it if you get your dream setting from the same shop. And if you cant return this setting, it might look pretty with a colored stone in it for a RHR? That way you can still use the setting he loved and chose, but you'd also get the ering setting you wanted. There! Everyone's happy...
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Oh, gosh . . . as you and other posters have said, this is hard.

For what it''s worth, here''s how I dealt with a similar situation. I was really, really hoping for a unique, vintage-y, halo setting; I''d been dreaming about it even before I met my wonderful fiance, who did not want my help in picking out a ring. He knew I wanted an emerald cut and that I wasn''t as much a fan of rounds, and I wanted white metal. I ended up getting my emerald cut, but the setting has four rounds (!) in platinum. It''s nothing like what I would''ve picked out; however, it is objectively gorgeous, and I love it now because my fiance picked it with so much love and thought to how he could best mesh the styles we both liked. You can see pictures of my ring here--as you can tell, it''s not quite what I had in mind. I''d advise you to try and love it. Wear it on your right hand and keep wearing your much-loved band on your left, or maybe just try and tolerate it for a while and see what can be done about it in a few years.

If you really, truly dislike it, I think honesty is the best policy. Tell your husband that, although it''s objectively very beautiful, it''s really not you, and you aren''t going to want to wear it every day like this. Ask him if there''s a way the jeweler can change it given the circumstances. I know that some jewelers will take back a custom design and sell it in their store if it is in its original condition. Gold plating may be an option. I would explore these options ASAP if you really think you can''t live with the ring--it is a shame to let a beautiful diamond like that sit in a jewelry box because you don''t like the setting.

Last thing I''ll say: the setting is very, very pretty, objectively speaking. It is interesting, unique, and delicate. I can see why your engineer husband picked it. I also love the idea of it symbolizing your eternal relationship--that is a beautiful sentiment. I think sometimes it''s good to hear that the setting isn''t "ugly" in and of itself. Best of luck, and I sympathize with you.
 
I agree with others-if you truly don''t like it, I''d say it to your husband. Although I do think that it''s beautiful. I''d sleep on it for a couple of nights and see how you feel in a few days.
 
Date: 6/21/2008 2:24:14 PM
Author: surfgirl
I have to confess from the onset of this post that I love my ring and I picked it out so I dont fully know what ladies go through when they''re presented with something they would never have chosen for themselves. I''m sorry you dont love your new ring...but it really is a beautiful and unique setting, I mean that in the best sense too! And the sentiment behind the infinity design is really dear as well.


So that said, let''s see if you can learn to love this ring since it was designed with a lot of love and good intentions...What if you got two - yeah TWO - ring guards made in yellow gold with either channel, bead or prong set small diamonds along the top, and the guards followed the flow of the outer edges of your new ring? That would give you the yellow gold you''re looking for, plus some extra bling. Would that work? I''m lousy with photoshop but maybe someone can whip up some options for you to look at.


Also, I understand wanting to continue wearing your initial wband but could you wear the band alone sometimes, and then the new ring alone or with guards, when you wanted something a bit flashier?


ETA: If you really dont think you''ll learn to love this ring, I think you should talk to your husband about re-setting it pronto. Dont wait too long because you might be able to get a credit on it if you get your dream setting from the same shop. And if you cant return this setting, it might look pretty with a colored stone in it for a RHR? That way you can still use the setting he loved and chose, but you''d also get the ering setting you wanted. There! Everyone''s happy...
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Totally agree with this! I hope you can work it out so you''re completely happy with your ring...
 
I would tell him about it. While I understand that he meant a certain sentiment with the design, I think he ignored the more important sentiment of buying you a ring or designing a ring YOU would like.
 
I have decided to tell dh today. In the past, I''ve learned that honesty sooner is better than later. I doubt the jeweler will take it back, but one never knows. If not, putting a colored gemstone in it would be the next best thing.

I woke up early again today, 2 hours too early. I have 5 kids, I cannot go on like this... Also, I had to put on my yellow gold CZ solitaire with my original band. I missed that look... He''ll be down for breakfast soon, and if he notices it, the conversation will start.

I never saw this coming. I feel blindsided.
 
Even if this is not quite your taste, it''s a beautiful ring, presented to you with a lot of love and thoughtfulness.

I guess I cannot understand losing sleep over it!

I think if I gave my FI a deep, meaningful heartfelt gift (one that brought me to tears as you say your husband was), and I knew he felt "blindsided" by it, I''d be crushed...really heartbroken.

After your talk he may agree that you should have *exactly* what you want. Maybe it will possible to change the setting and maybe not. But after 5 kids and many years of marriage, why would this cause you so much anxiety?

You are a blessed woman...married 20+ years with 5 kids and husband who obviously loves you very much and wanted to give you something that was meaningful to both of you. It''s an exquisite symbol of your love and years together.

Please consider your husband''s intent and his feelings behind this gift. At the end of the day, they are far more meaningful than a preference for yellow gold over white.

My 2 cents...
 
Date: 6/22/2008 8:53:23 AM
Author: beebrisk
Even if this is not quite your taste, it''s a beautiful ring, presented to you with a lot of love and thoughtfulness.

I guess I cannot understand losing sleep over it!

I think if I gave my FI a deep, meaningful heartfelt gift (one that brought me to tears as you say your husband was), and I knew he felt ''blindsided'' by it, I''d be crushed...really heartbroken.

After your talk he may agree that you should have *exactly* what you want. Maybe it will possible to change the setting and maybe not. But after 5 kids and many years of marriage, why would this cause you so much anxiety?

You are a blessed woman...married 20+ years with 5 kids and husband who obviously loves you very much and wanted to give you something that was meaningful to both of you. It''s an exquisite symbol of your love and years together.

Please consider your husband''s intent and his feelings behind this gift. At the end of the day, they are far more meaningful than a preference for yellow gold over white.

My 2 cents...
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I agree with this and am very moved by her husband''s thoughtfulness in picking out the setting.

However, she had CLEARLY told him what she wanted. I can understand her husband putting a little creativity into the setting, but not even getting the metal color that cookie wanted is baffling to me.

It sounds to me like your husband really got into the process of choosing the setting, and the meaning behind what he chose. It sounds like he lost sight of what you wanted and really got into making the setting really meaningful. It is a beautiful setting, but if it is not what you have been hoping for, I understand your disappointment. I DO understand losing sleep over this, you have been waiting for 23 years for this ring, and now you don''t like what you got. That''s a lot of buildup, followed by a big letdown.

I like the idea of making it a right hand ring with a colored stone, and putting the diamond into a yellow gold setting for your left hand. The biggest issue to me is that you want to continue to wear your original, yellow gold wedding band with the ering. It doesn''t even look to me like that ring would sit right with any wedding band.

I feel badly for both of you. Nobody did anything wrong here. I think this is a case of men and women thinking differently.
I think your husband got wrapped up in creating something unique and meaningful, and you really had your heart set on a more traditional setting in a different color.

HUGS to you - I am thinking of you this morning!!
 
Date: 6/22/2008 7:51:21 AM
Author: Cookie_tyme
I have decided to tell dh today. In the past, I''ve learned that honesty sooner is better than later. I doubt the jeweler will take it back, but one never knows. If not, putting a colored gemstone in it would be the next best thing.


I woke up early again today, 2 hours too early. I have 5 kids, I cannot go on like this... Also, I had to put on my yellow gold CZ solitaire with my original band. I missed that look... He''ll be down for breakfast soon, and if he notices it, the conversation will start.


I never saw this coming. I feel blindsided.
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I''m sorry...I hope it goes well. I agree that he was trying to be thoughtful, but he ended up getting you something *he* likes, and you''re the one wearing it. It''s a sweet thought if you were into white gold, or infinity designs, or 8s, but you''re not-he is. I really think you should have exactly what *you* want after 23 years of marriage. Good luck and keep us posted!
 
I think you really need to talk to him about it. Maybe you could say something like, "The more I wear this ring, the more I appreciate all the thought you''ve put into it and the meaning behind it. I think it is beautiful, and you are so sweet to care so much about symbolism and get so involved in the process of choosing a setting. But as much as I love it, it doesn''t match my wedding band so it would be difficult to wear it daily. Would you be really hurt if I suggested that we find a simple yellow gold setting, and then maybe we can put another stone into this beautiful one you picked out for a right-hand ring?"

Not at all an easy conversation to have, but it sounds like it really needs to be done. I can only imagine the range of emotions you must be feeling right now. But my $0.02 is that honesty (which should sometimes be sugar-coated) is *always* best, and the sooner the better. Good luck to you!!
 
Date: 6/22/2008 7:51:21 AM
Author: Cookie_tyme
I have decided to tell dh today. In the past, I''ve learned that honesty sooner is better than later. I doubt the jeweler will take it back, but one never knows. If not, putting a colored gemstone in it would be the next best thing.


I woke up early again today, 2 hours too early. I have 5 kids, I cannot go on like this... Also, I had to put on my yellow gold CZ solitaire with my original band. I missed that look... He''ll be down for breakfast soon, and if he notices it, the conversation will start.


I never saw this coming. I feel blindsided.
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Please let us know how this goes...you''ve waited 23 years for this and I''m sure he wants it to be perfect for you!
 
Good Luck! I think your situation is why my DH wouldn''t pick out my original ering or the ring we recently got for our 20th anniversary. The thought of making an expensive diamond mistake scares him!
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He''s bought me other jewelery and done a very nice job, but I think the whole diamond thing is more shopping information and research than he''s up for!
 
Date: 6/22/2008 7:51:21 AM
Author: Cookie_tyme
I have decided to tell dh today. In the past, I've learned that honesty sooner is better than later. I doubt the jeweler will take it back, but one never knows. If not, putting a colored gemstone in it would be the next best thing.

I woke up early again today, 2 hours too early. I have 5 kids, I cannot go on like this... Also, I had to put on my yellow gold CZ solitaire with my original band. I missed that look... He'll be down for breakfast soon, and if he notices it, the conversation will start.

I never saw this coming. I feel blindsided.
Click to expand...

It sounds like this is really stressing you out! Definitely tell your husband - if the gift means so much to him that he cried when he presented it to you, it sounds like he really wants you to be happy, and to feel loved. This is an issue that pops up a lot with e-rings, I've noticed, because they're among the only category of gift that seem to require telepathy ... my personal theory on "Surprise!" presents is that they're really only okay if you're prepared for the giver to respond honestly, and to be amenable to changing it to make it perfect should the need arise. Here's hoping he understands your feelings and accommodates them!
 
I feel for you, because he did something he thought you would love, and you are afraid of hurting his feelings if you tell him. But it seems like a situation it can be fixed with some explanation (and some cash).
I think you should bite the bullet and just tell him in a considerate but heartfelt way how you feel.
I would explain that you really appreciate the thought behind the ring, but to you it is very important to have a ring that matches and can wear with your wedding band, as the wedding band is connected to all your memories of your marriage so far and you do not want to give it up.
Having gone through 2 decades of marriage (and 5 kids) this should be a relatively small matter.

Personally, I love the ring, I guess it is my style. If I was presented with the ring I would wear it on my right hand and keep wearing my wedding band on the left.
 
After 23 years of marriage and 5 kids, you should be able to tell him your thoughts!

I think that telling him its a lovely design and he did a great design job, but its not what you had in mind for your left hand. And then suggest a colored stone for the setting and resetting the stone into something yellow. This way he did not waste a penny on the ring since you are not trashing the setting and you will get your yellow gold setting.

It does not have to cost a lot either. Stuller makes some lovely solitaire settings very reasonable in gold. And if you don''t have a lot to spend on a colored stone, you could go with an amythest or garnet and wear it on your right hand. Or even a sapphire would be great (but more pricey)
 
Wow, that is a lot of feedback - I really appreciate it!

I did tell dh today. He was completely understanding! He said all that mattered was that I was happy with the ring. When I fretted about the $$ and effort he put into the setting, he brushed it off, saying, "Honey, in the large scheme of things, it''s nothing to worry yourself about." And he hugged me, and said we could go together and pick out any setting that I liked, and honestly sounded like he looked forward to it. All I could say was, "Thank God!" I thought he might need some time alone to think, to digest my words, etc, but he was fine with it immediately.

He told me that he had thought of giving me just the diamond, so I could choose a setting, but then thought he''d get it set...

We''re going to see about the jewelry store re-selling it for us. I''m really not sure what their policy is. I may end up using it with a colored gemstone.

I am so relieved! I think we shall pop the diamond into a swoopy 14K yellow cathedral. I''ve loved them on other womens'' hand for years. I''ll attach a pic.

BTW, I found out that the stone is an E SI1 - how about that? That would explain why it is so bright and white.

Thanks again, all of you, for your input. This has been quite the learning experience. I just hope other guys out there read and learn...

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I''m so glad you got it resolved--it sounds like your DH is a wonderful man.

Have fun picking your new setting!
 
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