Depressed about wedding planning--not even sure my parents will be able to come and it''s bringing m

[gwendolyn]

I feel like there''s a small black cloud that''s parked itself on the top of my head, and it has ''wedding planning'' written all over it. I feel no drive to really do anything even though we''re planning on getting married 10-11 months from now. When I look at venues, all I think about is how easy or difficult it will be for people to get to the location, and then I get bummed out that the most important thing to me--having the people I love there--is going to be the hardest thing to pull off because my loved ones are mostly in the US, and we (due to financial and immigration reasons) are getting married in England (where we live now).

I know people might say that, if they love me, they''ll come no matter where the wedding is, but that isn''t true. Even my parents aren''t totally sure they can come, and neither are my brothers. This breaks my heart a bit, the thought of them not being there. Most of my friends say they really want to come, but just aren''t sure they will be able to afford it. Obviously they would come if it was anywhere close to them in the US, but it won''t be. Yeah, we may do a party afterwards in the US, but it''s not the same thing, and due to finances may be as much as a year (or more) after the wedding. Plus, it''s the actual wedding, with all the emotion and whatnot is what I want them around to be a part of--not just the after-party. So, I find myself not really caring where we get married in the UK. I brought up the idea of just getting married in a registry office and then going out to dinner with James'' family and best friend, but James was unhappy with that, and his mom (who really doesn''t like weddings at all) and one of his sisters said, "No, we can do much better than that!" His other sister complained about the possibility of having to drive a few hours to a possible venue and wants us to get married in James'' family''s hometown (where the rest of his family lives except him now). Maybe it makes logical sense to have it where a bunch of guests live, but it depresses me a bit that they aren''t my guests, and that it would be really difficult and expensive for my guests to get up to James'' hometown, so I don''t really want it there.

I know that ''life isn''t fair'' so it''s a dumb, childish thing to even think, but I feel so often like it''s unfair how much I give up to have my relationship with James. I was never one of those girls who dreamed about a big, princessy wedding since she was little; it was never important to me. Even when I got older, a wedding barely registered on my radar: the only thing that came to mind was something casual and fun (like a BBQ) with all the people I care about, relaxing and having a great time with the people that my brand-new hubby cares about. So, naturally, that''s the one thing that''s guaranteed not to happen. It only seems to frustrate me more (and this is rather irrational of me) that James has fewer people overall to invite (both his family and circle of friends is much smaller than mine), who are all much more financially secure and who travel internationally regularly anyway. So why couldn''t things have been reversed, with the wedding in the US so the smaller, wealthier side have to fly to attend? It''s just not fair. (Yes, I sound like a petulant child. Can''t help it right now.) I have already moved to another country, have taken a hit on my pay to work here over what I could get at home and live in one of the biggest cities in the world (I hate cities) to be with this man. He knows it''s difficult for me sometimes, but with the economy as it is and the fact that his job experience here in the UK would count for nothing in the US, it doesn''t make financial sense to move to the US now. I feel like I almost never ask for anything, but the things that I do want, like my family and friends to be at my wedding, seem like too much. Things that would essentially be no-brainers if we were to get married at home.

So I find myself glancing at wedding brochures on the table and feeling down. Sometimes (like now) I get overwhelmed with unhappiness about the situation and cry a little. James'' parents are coming down to visit us next weekend, which will be wonderful, but James'' mom wants to talk weddings (even though she apparently hates them) and look at the different places that are venue possibilities. I keep trying to psych myself up and feel excited, because I know that, at the end of the day, it''s all about James and me getting married and all that, but instead I look at those brochures and feel sad that I don''t even know if my immediate family will be there with me, let alone my awesome friends. I don''t know how to stop thinking about that. Everyone tells me that the wedding should be all about what makes me (and James) happy, but we can''t do what would make me happy. I want to go back to being an excited bride-to-be like I was just after we got engaged, and certainly don''t want this to get me down the entire 10-11 months until we get married! James might start to get some sort of complex...

Anyway, tell me I''m being dumb, or childish, or selfish, or whiny. They''re all true. Just also please tell me how to stop being these things. I don''t want the thought of getting married to make me feel all down in the dumps all the time. Thanks for any words of wisdom you may have to share.

 

[Deelight]

Your not being dumb, stupid whiny or selfish - you feel down and upset and possibly a little cheated/miffed and what you feel is vaild and upseting you and you have a right to feel that way.

I just want to give you a big ole hug I am so sorry you feel this way hun.

 

[Rhea]

You''re not dumb, childish, or whiney. I cried when I read your post. Gwen, honey, I went through something very similar for our weddings. We ended up having two for a reason. One of my friends attended the England wedding. One. It hurts. The travel, the family, the friends, the immigration costs, and lower paying job in the UK all sound very familiar to me.

Not to patronise, but you will come up with a solution. I know you said that the after party (or in our case, before wedding party) is different, but very suprisingly it felt like a wedding just as much as the "real" one. I didn''t get everything I wanted and got really depressed after the wedding because I had to compromise on so many issues for family and C. I can honestly say now, over 3 years later, it was for the best and shockingly, it doesn''t matter anymore.

I''m glad you have here to get it all out. It sounds sucky for you right now. And so soon after the happy engagement to have to contend with all these thoughts and feelings.

 

[mayachel]

Aww. You are not being selfish or whiney or anything else but true to your emotions in the moment. Your friends and family''s ability to pay and travel to your ceremony has nothing to do with how much they love you or your partner. It has to do with much broader things like resources, jobs, budgeting and fears of travel that you as the bride can only try to comprehend-but not solve.

If you have the wedding somewhere other than his hometown, but in the surrounding areas, will it be more affordable for the state side group to get there? If so, I would weigh that much more heavily than the sis''s desire for an easy afternoon party.

Regardless of the size, it sounds like you do want some pomp and circumstance surrounding your big day. This to me, makes going to a registry office not the right choice.

(hugs)

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/9/2009 8:18:44 AM
Author: mayachel
Aww. You are not being selfish or whiney or anything else but true to your emotions in the moment. Your friends and family''s ability to pay and travel to your ceremony has nothing to do with how much they love you or your partner. It has to do with much broader things like resources, jobs, budgeting and fears of travel that you as the bride can only try to comprehend-but not solve.


If you have the wedding somewhere other than his hometown, but in the surrounding areas, will it be more affordable for the state side group to get there? If so, I would weigh that much more heavily than the sis''s desire for an easy afternoon party.


Regardless of the size, it sounds like you do want some pomp and circumstance surrounding your big day. This to me, makes going to a registry office not the right choice.


(hugs)

I totally agree. You''re not being selfish or whiney at all. Your wedding day is a big day and of course you want your family and friends there to celebrate with you. Is there anywhere else that you could get married that would be affordable to both sets of family? (Ireland

) There has to be some way that we can get it so that your family, especially your mom and dad and your brothers can make it to the wedding. Sending lots of hugs and try not to be down on yourself. You''re none of those things that you listed.

 

[iheartscience]

That sucks, gwen. Is there any way at all you can get married in the U.S.? Even if it''s a super inexpensive potluck wedding?

It sounds like your wedding will be nothing like what you want it to be if you get married in the UK. Maybe you can do the registrar thing in the UK, just you and James, and then have your actual wedding in the U.S.? If his family and friends can afford to travel and the group is much smaller than yours, it seems like a no-brainer to have your wedding in the U.S.

I personally can''t even imagine getting married without my parents, siblings and friends there, so I totally 100% understand where you''re coming from. I hope you can come to some sort of solution that will make you happy!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I agree with you that it would only be fair to get married in the US. Why are you two set on getting married in the UK? You could even do a court wedding in the US with a nice restaurant reception (it wouldn''t cost too much) and invite only close family and friends. In addition, you could also do a double wedding, one in the US and one in the UK (maybe court weddings & small receptions at both locations). I don''t think that''s too much to ask at all...

At the end of the day, no matter how well the wedding planning goes, there is one thing I can assure you, there will always be wedding drama and concessions you will have to make. One thing I have learned is that as long as you keep the day about YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND to be, than in the end, all the small details won''t matter. Whether you get married in a court house or a pretty castle, at the end it''s about you two promising to love each other for the rest of your lives.

Why can''t your parents make it to the wedding in the UK? Is it for financial reasons? What if you two saved up some money to fly them out? You may be able to find some decent flight deals right now due to the economy.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I''d just probably do it twice. Have two small weddings there and here so family and friends can attend. It is a lot to ask people to travel to another country.

 

[gwendolyn]

Man, ok, I'm going to have to toughen up so I can read this thread (and subsequently respond!) without making myself cry again. Oi! *takes deep breath* Ok.

The deal isn't that the wedding itself would cost too much if we had it in the US--it's just that if you add the immigration costs together that we'd need to live and work here for me, and for James to get married there, plus the fact that some of the immigration stuff has to be done in person and not at an embassy or anything, and we just can't afford it. We haven't even saved up enough yet to get the paperwork for the UK done and aren't sure when we'll have enough because James doesn't get paid the same amount every month, so we never know how tight things will be or if we can even put anything into savings.

I think some of what stresses me out about the planning is the thought that, if I make the wedding in an interesting enough or unusual enough place, more people will come because it will persuade them more than just seeing me take my vows in some office room at the registry.

I don't necessarily want lots of frou-frou or pomp (am so NOT a formal event type of chick) and still imagine a chill, relaxed wedding even when looking at places like castles (one in Wales has a deal going which we might be able to afford, actually, but it isn't terribly convenient to any major airports). There are also a couple which were cool things like converted stable houses or one that's set on the grounds of the ruins of an abbey. They are gorgeous looking venues, but probably out of budget, and it's possible my frame of mind when considering them isn't really the best anyway, since I'm not sure if any other brides ever feel like they are trying to entice people to come...

Thank you, Deelight sweetie. Your kind words always help me (even if they did make me cry s'more today

). You are a good friend.

I will think a lot about what you said, Addy, with your big after-party still feeling like the wedding to you. I hope to feel the same way. Like the wedding that just won't die?

Maybe James will be willing to do a super-small registry wedding here and have the reception in the US. It's definitely not my first choice, but it may be the best thing to do in the situation we're in. I don't know. Thank you so much for your post. It made me cry, to read that my post made you cry--I know this may sound wonky, but it kind of helps to let it all out and to know that it's not just me that's felt this way. I do feel awfully guilty, like I'm messing up this wedding stuff by not being happy and bouncy and chirpy all the time about it. Seriously, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

mayachel, yes, it would definitely be less expensive for my side to get to the wedding if it's elsewhere (like close to where we live now). I'm not sure if saying that I want pomp is exactly it--to me, it's more that I want my special people there to be a part of the day, and I want to do what I (realistically) can to make sure as many of them can be there as possible. If I didn't feel guilty for asking people to spend over a thousand dollars to come and see me get married in a registry office and then have a BBQ or go out for a nice meal, that'd be wonderful. I just feel some sort of obligation to make my wedding 'more' for those coming from so far away, almost like a reward. Does that make any sense? Probably not...tried to explain it to J and he said that anyone who didn't want to come for us didn't matter anyway, but I think if people hear that it's a low-key wedding, they'll assume (incorrectly) that we don't want lots of people, and to me those two things don't go hand in hand.

bee-star, thank you, pumpkin. Haha, I did briefly try to figure out somewhere that could be meeting 'in the middle' (not quite Ireland, hah

) but there isn't anywhere. My family and friends are on the East Coast of the US, and James' family and friends are here in England. Nothing but ocean in the middle. Thanks for the thoughts, though--that's exactly the solution I'd want if it was an actual option. Great minds.

thing2of2, thank you, sweetie. Yeah, it's funny--I thought for forever that the wedding details wouldn't really bother me since I had no preconceived notions about what it would be, but that wasn't true. I always always always envisioned my family and friends with me, regardless of whatever else was going on. I think I definitely will have to mull over the idea of having the reception at home in the US...

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/9/2009 10:11:22 AM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
I agree with you that it would only be fair to get married in the US. Why are you two set on getting married in the UK? You could even do a court wedding in the US with a nice restaurant reception (it wouldn''t cost too much) and invite only close family and friends. In addition, you could also do a double wedding, one in the US and one in the UK (maybe court weddings & small receptions at both locations). I don''t think that''s too much to ask at all...


At the end of the day, no matter how well the wedding planning goes, there is one thing I can assure you, there will always be wedding drama and concessions you will have to make. One thing I have learned is that as long as you keep the day about YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND to be, than in the end, all the small details won''t matter. Whether you get married in a court house or a pretty castle, at the end it''s about you two promising to love each other for the rest of your lives.


Why can''t your parents make it to the wedding in the UK? Is it for financial reasons? What if you two saved up some money to fly them out? You may be able to find some decent flight deals right now due to the economy.

Wish we could afford to fly them out, but we will barely be able to cover the immigration costs for ourselves. Court wedding in the US is not an option; too expensive to get the immigration paperwork for the US and the UK.

Again, maybe this will sound whiny, but my heart sinks when I think of having two ''weddings.'' This will probably be the only time my friends and family will have the chance to meet James'' family and friends and for everyone to mingle which, to me, is the whole point of having a reception! It''s two families becoming one! But...not really if they haven''t even met. Or that''s how it feels to me, anyway. As I''ve mentioned before, I''ll give it more thought. Maybe it''ll warm up to me.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/9/2009 10:12:01 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I'd just probably do it twice. Have two small weddings there and here so family and friends can attend. It is a lot to ask people to travel to another country.

I know it's a lot to ask.

I currently hate the idea of doing two because legally we'd have to do the UK first and it will suck for me to have all my people missing. But will give it some thought...

 

[House Cat]

I see nothing selfish or childish about how you feel. I think everything you''re feeling is totally valid and I would be feeling the same. Yes, the wedding is supposed to be about you and your FI first, but the second priority is having your family there to witness the event.

I wonder if, because you said the big princess wedding isnt a priority, maybe you can have the backyard wedding and fly your family out with your wedding budget instead? Use the funds to have the people you love present and then have everyone involved pull together to DIY and cook and make your day magical and loving. By magical and loving, I don''t mean over the top princess wedding, I mean that your family is there and it is everything YOU want.

http://www.apracticalwedding.com/ This blog and the blog links she provides have a lot of ideas and good perspective on what weddings can be. Sometimes a little preachy, but maybe you can get some ideas?

Look at this backyard wedding This is just an example. There are other ideas on the blog too, not just backyard weddings.

And if these ideas aren''t your cup of tea, maybe you can talk to FI about possibly doing things in the states?

 

[Rhea]

Date: 5/9/2009 10:28:46 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/9/2009 10:11:22 AM

Author: ilovethiswebsite

I agree with you that it would only be fair to get married in the US. Why are you two set on getting married in the UK? You could even do a court wedding in the US with a nice restaurant reception (it wouldn't cost too much) and invite only close family and friends. In addition, you could also do a double wedding, one in the US and one in the UK (maybe court weddings & small receptions at both locations). I don't think that's too much to ask at all...



At the end of the day, no matter how well the wedding planning goes, there is one thing I can assure you, there will always be wedding drama and concessions you will have to make. One thing I have learned is that as long as you keep the day about YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND to be, than in the end, all the small details won't matter. Whether you get married in a court house or a pretty castle, at the end it's about you two promising to love each other for the rest of your lives.



Why can't your parents make it to the wedding in the UK? Is it for financial reasons? What if you two saved up some money to fly them out? You may be able to find some decent flight deals right now due to the economy.

Wish we could afford to fly them out, but we will barely be able to cover the immigration costs for ourselves. Court wedding in the US is not an option; too expensive to get the immigration paperwork for the US and the UK.


Again, maybe this will sound whiny, but my heart sinks when I think of having two 'weddings.' This will probably be the only time my friends and family will have the chance to meet James' family and friends and for everyone to mingle which, to me, is the whole point of having a reception! It's two families becoming one! But...not really if they haven't even met. Or that's how it feels to me, anyway. As I've mentioned before, I'll give it more thought. Maybe it'll warm up to me.

Um, Gwen? What do you mean immigration paperwork for the US and the UK?

If you plan a US wedding, get married, and J leaves before his stay is up (3 months unless he's stamped in at immigration for a different length) then no paperwork is required. Just whatever paperwork your local court house, church, whatever, requires. J doesn't need to immigrate to the US to marry there. He can marry there on a regular vistor stamp, no special visa.

You may be a different story. If you marry in the UK you need prior permission. You need a COA in your position I think. I needed a fiancee's visa. Before you come back to the UK from a US wedding you need valid entry clearance. If you're on a work visa, that's still good I think. Or you may need to change to a spousal visa - FLR. That is applied for before you hit the UK and you'd need J's paperwork since the visa ties you to him. His passport, marriage license, etc. It takes a few weeks to get and then you properly immigrate to the UK. But I really think that your work visa would still be valid (although a longer immigration route for permanent status and citizenship).

 

[Rhea]

Gwen, I''ve started a response to your response to me (!) a couple of times, but can''t seem to say what I want. I hope you don''t mind me leaving your very emotional thread on my practical last post right now.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 5/9/2009 10:46:27 AM
Author: Addy
Um, Gwen? What do you mean immigration paperwork for the US and the UK?

If you plan a US wedding, get married, and J leaves before his stay is up (3 months unless he''s stamped in at immigration for a different length) then no paperwork is required. Just whatever paperwork your local court house, church, whatever, requires. J doesn''t need to immigrate to the US to marry there. He can marry there on a regular visitor stamp, no special visa.

I was wondering the same thing, Gwen.

I am so,so sorry you are feeling depressed. A big, big, big hug for you. I would hate for your close family and friends not to be at the wedding.

I am in a somewhat similar position. FI''s fam is on the East and West (!) coast of the U.S., mine is in Europe. It''s tough. Loads of travel involved for everyone. Having two receptions can be good advice, but c''mon, who wants to plan a wedding where your friends and family won''t be there, even if they''ll be at the other reception? It''s always struck me as really hard to do.

I think you need to find some way to make it affordable for at least some of your favorite peeps to make it. You said that where you live (London?) is more affordable to get to -- that makes sense, particularly if people buy their flights soon. Why can''t you wed there? I mean, I know that the average budget needed to marry in London is probably huge, like it would be in NYC, but there''s gotta be a budget way, too?

 

[decodelighted]

I''m curious about the immigration stuff too ... why can''t he get hitched on a visitor''s visa? Anyhoo -- what about eloping to the Carribean. Like, THIS SUMMER. Forget the planning etc -- find a super Travelzoo deal & get both sets of parents & a couple close friends together to do it and get''er done.

St. Lucia is fantastic! But there are other islands easier to get to & cheaper. Travel is sooooo inexpensive right not. You might save a bundle doing it before the US comes out of its recession (hopefully this summer).

Re: your overall malaise. Wedding planning is tough no matter what. It just takes one good idea or one detail that excites you & the rest starts to fall into place. Even the biggest dreamiest weddings you hear about have their own secret dramas. Maybe its good to know what yours is going in?

Chin up!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 5/9/2009 12:26:40 PM
Author: decodelighted
I''m curious about the immigration stuff too ... why can''t he get hitched on a visitor''s visa? Anyhoo -- what about eloping to the Carribean. Like, THIS SUMMER. Forget the planning etc -- find a super Travelzoo deal & get both sets of parents & a couple close friends together to do it and get''er done.

I love Deco''s idea! And it wouldn''t be too expensive for your guests to travel this season, someplace like Dominican can be as cheap as 600$. This way it''s neither here nor there.

Also, I am a BIG supporter of two weddings. Can you have a small affair in James'' hometown for his guests (this would be the legal ceremony), and then a non-legal ceremony with a BBQ reception in the US (so have an officiant/JOP perform the ceremony without the legalities). I had a wedding in India/Dubai, we did the whole she-bang but it isnt considered ''legal'', and I''m glad I did because NONE of my family (excluding my parents) or any of my close friends would be able to fly down here for the wedding. So now I''m planning our official one here, and it doesn''t bother me that 75% of the guest list is Mr. Kama''s family and friends. Before we had the Indian affair, I used to think about our wedding here and be incredibly sad because I wouldn''t have anyone here representing my ''other life'', life before I moved to North America.

I''m sorry you''re going through this, love.

 

[redfaerythinker]

Oh you poor thing. I''m so sorry that this has happened to you. I can''t come up with any words to make it better, but I can give you a huge internet HUG!

 

[Octavia]

Gwen, I''m sorry you''re down. Even without the financial/immigration stuff, planning a wedding isn''t always fun and games, and you shouldn''t feel like it has to be. I''ve found that it goes in spurts, sometimes I enjoy it and sometimes I HATE it. And that''s without all the added stress you''ve got. And while I''m sure that you don''t want to be depressed and mopey around your FMIL, hopefully she''ll understand that it''s really hard on you to think that your family might not be able to come. Unless you think she''ll react badly, I''d be honest about it when you talk to her, and maybe she''ll have some good suggestions.

My FI and I are also an international couple, but he''s the one in your shoes (getting married in his "adopted" country rather than at home). He''s in a bit better place because he''s lived here for almost 10 years and a hefty portion of the guest list is people who are his friends originally (now mutual friends) -- so it''s not quite so isolating. But still, most of his family and childhood friends aren''t going to be there, and our second celebration in his home country won''t be for about 9-10 months after the actual wedding. I know it''s tough on him, so I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for you.

Is there any way you can get your family to give you a straight-out answer? Such as, "we can''t afford to come if the wedding is in January, but if it''s in May we''ll be able to save up." I don''t know if you have to be on a specific timeline because of immigration issues, but if you have a little bit of flexibility, it might help to have a firmer answer from your family. I also like Deco''s idea of a destination wedding, especially if you do it off-season the prices can be fantastic.

Like Addy said, it will work out somehow. But it''s normal to feel a little down when it seems like things are completely out of your control.

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 5/9/2009 12:26:40 PM
Author: decodelighted
I'm curious about the immigration stuff too ... why can't he get hitched on a visitor's visa? Anyhoo -- what about eloping to the Carribean. Like, THIS SUMMER. Forget the planning etc -- find a super Travelzoo deal & get both sets of parents & a couple close friends together to do it and get'er done.

St. Lucia is fantastic! But there are other islands easier to get to & cheaper. Travel is sooooo inexpensive right not. You might save a bundle doing it before the US comes out of its recession (hopefully this summer).

Re: your overall malaise. Wedding planning is tough no matter what. It just takes one good idea or one detail that excites you & the rest starts to fall into place. Even the biggest dreamiest weddings you hear about have their own secret dramas. Maybe its good to know what yours is going in?

Chin up!

I agree!! Your wedding options are not just the UK or the US, there are several locations around the world that you can get married at!

 

[gwendolyn]

Hello, all! I just got back from an evening out with James (which was lovely) and am heading to bed soon, but wanted to come in and thank you all (firstly) and also answer quickly what concerns I have about immigration paperwork to get married in the US. A while back (maybe 6 months now, before we were engaged) I was put in contact with a friend's friend. This friend is a lawyer, and subsequently knows many other lawyers. She connected me to someone who specializes in immigration law, who talked to me about the sorts of fees and hoops we'd have to jump through in different wedding scenarios (us marrying in the UK and living in the UK, marrying in the UK but living in the US, marrying in the US but living in the UK, etc.). Maybe it was directly in relation to the money we told her we'd have available to us, but she basically said it was out of the question for us to be able to get married in the US and also take care of our paperwork, fees, etc. here in the UK since we would be returning to live here in the UK. No one in real life that I know has been through this, and this is her profession and everything, so I kind of gave up on the idea that we could get married in the US when she told me that, since she seemed like there was just no way.

Anyway, I've otherwise been advised that we should hire a lawyer before submitting our paperwork to make sure everything is correct and we haven't missed anything (to try to avoid the possibility of getting declined and having to pay for it all over again). Of course, by then it would be too late to ask about the possibility of getting hitched in the US, so...not sure why I brought that up, really....

 

[rainwood]

Gwen -

I think there''s a good solution if you want one. You''d like a nice backyard potluck wedding in the U.S. surrounded by your family and friends. James wants a U.K. wedding, preferably in his hometown and your FMIL and FSIL want to help plan it. But there''s this immigration issue you''ve explained to prevent a U.S. wedding then returning to the U.K. I don''t know anything about immigration law in either country so I''m going to assume that what you''ve been told is correct, and there''s a real problem or at least a substantial financial burden that you can''t really take on.

So here''s the idea. Plan the U.S. backyard potluck wedding you''ve dreamed of having, right down to the last detail except one. Don''t apply for a U.S. wedding license. Have a loved one or someone else who isn''t legally authorized perform the ceremony. Say the vows, declare your love and commitment, and say "I do." It won''t be legally binding, but it will be everything else you wanted. Invite all of James'' family to come too and celebrate.

Let the American wedding be a ceremonial, emotional wedding then go back to the U.K and have a legal one in the place that''s meaningful to James and his family. Let your FMIL and FSIL help plan his hometown wedding. And it needn''t be more expensive for you. You don''t want the big fou-fou wedding anyway. Make both weddings more casual. Maybe the two sets of parents can help financially (yours won''t have to pay to fly to the U.K.) so that you stay in budget even with buying plane tickets to the U.S.

What I like about this solution is each wedding counts in its own way. And you haven''t done anything wrong when you return to the U.K. because you''re not legally married anywhere - not even the U.S. You were just at a big, fun party where you just happened to have worn a wedding dress and exchanged vows of love in front of all the most meaningful people in your life. So there''s a way to get most of what you want. And it could be a wonderful experience rather than the depressing one it seems right now. Think about it. It could work.

 

[decodelighted]

Rainwood, you're a genius! That's terrific. Gwen, you don't even have to tell people the US wedding isn't "legal".... its a ceremony period. In your minds *THAT*'s the one that can "count" -- the spiritual commitment ... rather than the legal nitty gritty.

Open your mind to the possibilities ... relax your ideas of how things "should be" etc & let both of you get what you want.

ETA: I attended a "2nd" ceremony last year for a couple who had ceremonies in both of their home states. And two receptions. Oh, did I mention they'd eloped already -- before both of them. LOL! But at the reception we got to see a slide show of their elopement/honeymoon -- which was KILLER!!!! So fun to "be a part" of their day, after the fact yanno?

 

[kama_s]

I tried saying the exact same thing as Rainwood, but she said it so much better! It''s essentially what we did, but in reverse order.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/9/2009 8:37:12 PM
Author: kama_s
I tried saying the exact same thing as Rainwood, but she said it so much better! It's essentially what we did, but in reverse order.

OMG ... I am so sorry. I must have missed that part of your post I was so busy reading the part where you agreed with *me*

I see now that you TOTALLY did mention a similar plan ...

You're a genius too, Kama S!!

 

[House Cat]

If you think about Kama and Rainwood''s idea, you can really put it into the perspective of being doubly blessed. You will be able to have two ceremonies, two celebrations, two chances to profess your undying love to your FI, and two chances to hear his!


Although, I really do like Deco''s idea. A destination wedding is always wonderful!

 

[swingirl]

Sorry for your situation. If it was me I'd do the actual wedding in the UK (small dinner with his parents), and once the paperwork is done I'd come to to the US and have the nice BBQ with your friends and family. Think of it as a "destination wedding".

And great idea about the US ceremony. You can do anything you want, the legal part isn't required to be on the same day as the ceremony.

It seems like it'd be easier to get James's internationally traveled family to come to the US than for yours to travel to the UK. I really believe that the wedding should be at the bride's location choice.

Hope you work it out so you can be excited for your wedding.

 

[EricaR]

Date: 5/9/2009 8:37:12 PM
Author: kama_s
I tried saying the exact same thing as Rainwood, but she said it so much better! It''s essentially what we did, but in reverse order.

And it is sort of what we did, too. Legal wedding in Las Vegas, symbolic ceremony in Mexico two months ago.

 

[rainwood]

Hey, Kama. Great minds think alike! It is the flip side of what you said. It sounds like lots of people do the double wedding/legal/ceremonial thing either out of desire or necessity. Having the legal wedding first usually makes the most sense but I switched the order because it sounds like Gwen really wants to have her family there on "the day" and that is more likely to happen in the U.S. so she''d have to do the opposite. Plus then they could do the U.K. wedding in his hometown which presumably is less expensive than London, and everybody''s happy.

I hope Gwen likes the idea. I hate to see her so down about what should be a happy event.

 

[kama_s]

Haha, no worries Deco darling! Rainwood, you said it sooo much better than I did and I totally agree with your second post as well. I actually ended up having my non-legal ceremony first since it worked better with our schedules, but I dont think you can go wrong either way.

Erica, smart girl