Depressed about wedding planning--not even sure my parents will be able to come and it''s bringing m

[4ever]

That''s not dumb selfish or whiney.

I''m not even engaged yet and I still get abit upset about the same kinda issue.

My FF is from the UK and all his family and friends are over there, he has few friends here as he hasn''t lived here long. "here" is New Zealand, where I''m from and where we both currently live. It couldn''t be more on the other side of the world.

FFs mother, who is in her mid 60''s, has said she won''t come to New Zealand if we choose to get married here. FF is an only child and very close to his parents and wants them to be there.
I know no one in england except his parents and my uncle, there may be a chance my parents would come over for it but my freinds and sibblings are all students and couldn''t afford the trip.

It really is a no win situation. We will probably just have a small wedding and a 2nd reception in the country we don''t get married in.

Try and be positive, your still getting married to a great guy and it will still be fantastic, weather or not everyone can make it.

 

[Deelight]

I am sorry I made you cry...you know if you ever need a shoulder how to find mine *hugs* seriously the person who said wedding planning is the most exciting time of your life was bonkers.

I just had an idea, not sure if it would be possible (but brainstorming is constructive) and I am not sure where in the US your family is but have you looked at getting married in the British Virgin Islands - it is right near the US, beautiful but owned by the brits so I assume no legal hassles could possibly be a win win.

You could possibly hire a holiday home for the weekend/week and have a lovely backyard BBQ with all your loved ones something lowkey and possibly cheaper as it is closer to home then the UK .

 

[gwendolyn]

Oooh, I really like the idea of getting pretend married in the US *first* with my whole crew (and J's family if they wanted to come), so that it's special because it's first and wedding-y with a ceremony (of sorts) and us doing vows and rings and things, but without the paperwork! And then the UK wedding would be special because it would be the real deal, and could take place in J's family's hometown, because it would be just his family and friends who would be invited (and maybe a few of my UK friends who wouldn't mind a bit of travel). I mentioned it to J earlier and he seemed to be fine with it, even happy! ..which probably has something to do with the fact that when he came home from work last night, I was crying from the worries in this thread. This idea could really work! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Deelight, sweetheart, you yourself didn't make me cry! Your words were so sweet and caring when I felt like I needed a big hug, so you gave me just what I needed, which (maybe strangely?) made me cry. I was already emotional, so you just made me feel a different kind of emotional. *hughughug* Am I just bonkers?

Your idea of the British Virgin Islands is really intriguing too, will have to look into the legalities of that!

 

[Rhea]

Gwen, you aren''t the only one who has been through this. I know I''ve mentioned this site before, but seriously check out uk-yankee.com. They have fourms that cover everything! An immigration solictor (VictoriaS) and an immigration advocate (garry) post on the site. There is a small board for weddings and people post what they are doing about weddings in one or two countries, the paperwork, and how they reached the decision. The vast majority of people do have the US legal wedding before moving to the UK for whatever reason.

For immigration the opposite way UK to US, diveintoamerica is very good.

 

[katamari]

I also love rainwood and kama''s ideas. In the end, you have to do what feels meaningful to you. It sounds like the celebration and sharing in front of your friends and family is what will make the event meaningful, so do that! Then, if immigration costs will be an issue, you can even wait for the legal marriage to give you time to get that all in order!

I hate that this is getting you down, Gwen! You and James deserve nothing but excitement and happiness as you plan your wedding!

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 5/10/2009 8:30:27 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Oooh, I really like the idea of getting pretend married in the US *first* with my whole crew (and J''s family if they wanted to come), so that it''s special because it''s first and wedding-y with a ceremony (of sorts) and us doing vows and rings and things, but without the paperwork! And then the UK wedding would be special because it would be the real deal, and could take place in J''s family''s hometown.

Oh, I''m SO glad you are liking the idea and the "wedding planning" cloud is lifting a bit. I think it''s a fabulous idea. We are also likely getting married legally in the States and a "symbolic" ceremony (but with all the bells and whistles) in Europe.

 

[ilovesparkles]

Gwen, I''m sorry you are going through all this trouble! I don''t have any words of advice, but wanted to send you the biggest cyber hug I could!

(((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))

And those ideas from rainwood, kamas, and deco sound fabulous! I hope one of them is the answer you are looking for!

 

[Pandora II]

Gwen, totally understand how you feel - I would feel the same way as well.

Re the immigration stuff, I will have a chat with my SIL - she''s from the USA and she and DH''s brother got married over there 18 months ago. She''d never spent more than 10 days in the UK before they got married, and now they both live here and she has a job in London. I''ll try and find out what the immigration stuff was like for them, but I have a feeling that this woman has given you not great advice.

Keep your chin up sweetie, a solution will be found!

 

[bee*]

That''s so brilliant that you might have found a solution!! Woohoo!!

 

[EricaR]

To address one more thing, my parents were "only" at the symbolic ceremony, not the legal one, and that isn''t an issue for them. They were there for the pomp and circumstance, for the ceremony that was photographed, for the day that we''ll remember forever.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 5/10/2009 8:30:27 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Oooh, I really like the idea of getting pretend married in the US *first* with my whole crew (and J''s family if they wanted to come), so that it''s special because it''s first and wedding-y with a ceremony (of sorts) and us doing vows and rings and things, but without the paperwork! And then the UK wedding would be special because it would be the real deal, and could take place in J''s family''s hometown, because it would be just his family and friends who would be invited (and maybe a few of my UK friends who wouldn''t mind a bit of travel). I mentioned it to J earlier and he seemed to be fine with it, even happy! ..which probably has something to do with the fact that when he came home from work last night, I was crying from the worries in this thread. This idea could really work! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Deelight, sweetheart, you yourself didn''t make me cry! Your words were so sweet and caring when I felt like I needed a big hug, so you gave me just what I needed, which (maybe strangely?) made me cry. I was already emotional, so you just made me feel a different kind of emotional. *hughughug* Am I just bonkers?

Your idea of the British Virgin Islands is really intriguing too, will have to look into the legalities of that!

Your not bonkers and I get it - it is an emotional time even with added stress, I do think things will work out - they always mostly have a way of doing so .

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Ahhh Gwen I am happy that you may have found a compromise that could work so that you get to experience the day with your family. I can only imagine how this seperation from family feels during the planning process. I am so sorry that you are feeling down. I have to tell you, the one very surprising part of the planning process for me has been the sway from excited anxiety to flat out saddness. I think it''s very natural to have down days especially when you encounter a roadblock. I am a very firm believer that things work out in the way that they are meant to. I know sometimes it is hard to give up the reigns of control and just let whatever happens happen but I''ve found when I am able to do this, things fall into place. Sometimes I find I am even surprised by how well the outcome is! My motto throughout the entire LIW and planning process has been "It is what it is" - I just try to take things in stride as best as I can. That doesn''t mean there haven''t been tears or frustrations

In the end, you will find ways to celebrate with both families regardless of how far they are. Maybe you can even have a webcast of your UK ceremony so the folks in the US can watch. I know that you will find a way to make things work. If you get to have two celebrations, that''s two times the excitement and joy you get to experience, right?

Chin up, sweetie. Everything will fall into place. You''ll see.

 

[gwendolyn]

*hugs everyone in the thread*

Seriously, this is going to sound so dorky, but you ALL have helped me so much, even if you only sent me some cyber-hugs! THANK YOU for taking the time to answer my rather sad and pathetic OP. You all helped, even if there was some crying that went along with it at the start.

Pandora, yeah, I think you might be right that the advice I received from the immigration lawyer wasn't the best. It was free, so I did always wonder...

Thanks, KeepingtheFaith, my dear! You are right--it took some mulling over and some discussions with both sets of parents, but I think we've found a solution that everyone is happy with! Which makes this whole thing so much easier.

*UPDATE* So, we talked the ideas over with my parents last weekend, and then James' parents this weekend when they came down to visit (and to bring us our CAR!!!!!!!!!!

), and we all seem to be agreed that the best plan of action is to do what is essentially a dress rehearsal of the wedding in the US for my big family and circle of friends that's a wedding in all but legalities, and then shortly (maybe a few days later?) have the legal wedding in James' family's hometown with a very small number of my people (my parents, aunt, maybe brothers, maybe grandparents) and James' family and friends, and keep that smallish so it's affordable, and THEN in the summer have a BBQ at J's parents' house for his whole big family. So, three weddings? Sorta?

Well, 2 1/2--the last one would be a party, so no vows or anything.

But yeah, that seems like the plan! And J's parents have offered to help us with the cost of the wedding (I said 4 or 5 times that we'd be fine with a registry wedding and nice dinner out, but J's mom really is against that and wants to pay to do something nicer but not bigger). Well, technically J's MOM wants to put money towards the wedding--J's dad wants to help us buy a property instead (which would be GREAT if we weren't stuck in our current area of the country for at least another 2 years and he wants us to buy NOW). But yeah, they're both so sweet--tripping over each other to try to help us. So sweet--I am very fortunate to get them as in-laws.

Anyway, that's the news! Feeling much MUCH less stressed, so thank you so much to everyone who helped me consider different ideas and come up with one that was a really good fit for me!

 

[rainwood]

Yay, Gwendolyn! It''s so good to hear you found a solution that makes you and James happy. I''m going to think of your celebrations as "Three Weddings and No Funeral."

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/19/2009 4:56:36 PM
Author: rainwood
Yay, Gwendolyn! It''s so good to hear you found a solution that makes you and James happy. I''m going to think of your celebrations as ''Three Weddings and No Funeral.''

I would kiss you if I had any idea who or where you were.

Thank you for the idea, m''dear.

 

[Rhea]

Yay!! You know I''m a big fan of two weddings. I think this is a great solution!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/19/2009 4:56:36 PM
Author: rainwood
Yay, Gwendolyn! It''s so good to hear you found a solution that makes you and James happy. I''m going to think of your celebrations as ''Three Weddings and No Funeral.''

LOL! Yayyy Gwennie! I''m so happy you''ve found a resolution that works for everyone and most of all, makes you happy!

 

[wishful]

Aww I just read thru this whole thread. Gwen I''m so happy things seem to be turned around in the right direction for you!
I would have suggested the route I took with the destination wedding and no guests (or just a close few) and making up for the rest with some fun parties but it sounded like you truly wanted all your friends and family there for the vows.
Totally understandable. I''m just glad the great ladies on here were able to come up with some ideas that work for ya!
Congrats!!!! Best wishes to you both!

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

Horray Gwen!!! You get triple the pleasure now - wheeeee!!!

So so so so so happy to see an update!!

 

[bee*]

Woohoo!! That sounds like a great plan Gwen. Fab!

 

[katamari]

Yay!

I am so glad you figured out a workable plan! And it sounds like everyone will get to be included in something, which is most important!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I, for one, think you are completely justified in your feelings--and they should be heard. A wedding is about two people, not just one...you and your feelings count too.

Getting married is a big deal...but it doesn't matter how you do it to legally get the job done. So, if having your parents and your family and your friends be part of the big day means a lot to you...then by all means, that's exactly what you deserve! Get married locally where you live now (for immigration-sake) and then have a "pseudo-ceremony" with all you important people.

Maybe instead of sinking a lot of money into a traditional fluffy wedding--you could instead spend the money on airfare and host that big, wonderful BBQ you were thinking about. Have it pot-luck style, so you're not paying a ton of money...and just enjoy the day! His wealthy family can travel stateside to be with you.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

So happy to hear the two wedding idea will work!!!

 

[House Cat]

Three weddings!!

Triple the blessings! I''m so happy to hear that this turned out in the most positive way possible!

 

[CNYHopeful]

Hey Gwen,
It''s sooo wonderful that you and James have come to a great solution to the wedding dilemma! I just came across your thread now, and was really hoping as I was reading through that you found some way to work all of this out. Being away from family is never easy and it''s OK to miss them. When you''re able to communicate that to your loved one and he tries to understand and figure it out, you are truly blessed. Sounds like you have a wonderful FI, a really special family of your own and wonderful in-laws-to be. Keep us posted and I''m sooooo happy for both of you!

 

[bebe]

Gwen, I am so happy there is a solution. PS''er''s are a special bunch of folks, it''s incredible how everyone helps each other.
I''m excited for you, now you can relax and enjoy it all.
And you know the rules, pictures!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Thanks, everyone! It really is a HUGE black cloud that's been lifted off my shoulders. Of course, it won't be perfectly smooth sailing from here on out, but at least I won't be feeling like my wedding will be the saddest day ever. Makes this whole process HEAPS easier! Go figure.

We'll be up in J's hometown for a few days from Sunday and I really want to check out a couple of venues, but don't think we'll have time (we're going up there to show a friend from the states around). We'll be back again soon after (mid-June) but the venue we have in mind is just gorgeous in photos and I am feeling excited and a little impatient to check it out in person!

It's nice to feel this way about wedding planning for a change.

 

[pocahontas]

Yah Gwen! Sorry, I''m too late to this thread to offer any words of wisdom or suggestions, but I just wanted to drop in to say I''m thrilled there''s a happy ending

 

[FrekeChild]

Yay Gwennie! I''m so happy for you!!!! And now you get THREE weddings! That means THREE pairs of shoes!

Well, you know, only if you want...

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

great news gwen - i am so happy for u! i can''t wait to hear about all three weddings and see all the pics! have you set any dates yet?