Dilemma - I don''''t want kids and he does

[hlpkaixin3344]

Before I say anything, lemme just say that I really all you mums out there. I cant imagine putting my body through all that just to have biological children of my own.

The problem is that I am willing to adopt but FI says that he wants at least 1 child of our own. Initially i was ok with the idea but that was before my friend got pregnant and she told me about the "tearing" down there during delivery. So of cos i was freaked out! I voiced out my concerns to FI and he said not to worry cos we can always opt for a C-section! I dont want a C-Section!!! I dont fancy being cut open!! The thing is I had just had a minor surgery (excision biopsy - for lymph nodes on my neck) and the recovery part has been tough... in fact, after a month Im still having pain on my neck, shoulder and right arm.... Going slightly off-topic, does anyone know when i can finally stretch my arm again????? Now i can''''t hold my arm straight...

Anyway, FI and I got into a huge fight just now. I don''''t know what to do. I am really really scared of the idea of giving birth. I just dont want to do it.

Now i dunno what to say to him. He is coming over to my place tonight to talk again about this issue.

Any advise?

I''''m so angry with myself for being such a coward cos lots of women go through childbirth... i mean, there must be something wrong with me, right????? sigh

 

[celine]

oops... i think i have posted in the wrong section... this should go under "Family" right?.... let''s see if i can move this....

 

[atroop711]

I will be very honest with you. I''m assuming that you both spoke of starting a family before getting engaged? If you did and you did agree, I think it''s with reason that he''s going to be upset now that you''ve changed your mind. Starting a family an be a deal breaker with many couples (I have friends who went through this but it was the husband that said no after the wedding).

Now as for the birthing process...I have 3 children and my experience was so different than the experiece of my best friend, my sister and many women I know. I had 3 EASY deliveries. No tearing, no surgery and walking around feeling fabulous right away. I''m just trying to say not to let what your friend went through scare you. We don''t have control over our birthing experience. You can make a birthing plan but things happen at times that you have no control over.

I think you really owe it to yourself and your fiance to really think about this. Don''t let one persons situation sway you. I can''t tell you how many ppl will give you horror stories as soon as they find out you are trying to get pregnant or are pregnant. PPL don''t know how to use common sense and keep their mouths shut. When I hear women telling a poor pregnant women who''s scared out of her pants their horror stories of birth...I feel I have to interject and giver her a pleasant story...let her know there are good birthing experiences too.

 

[atroop711]

Date: 7/1/2009 7:27:17 AM
Author: atroop711
I will be very honest with you. I''m assuming that you both spoke of starting a family before getting engaged? If you did and you did agree, I think it''s with reason that he''s going to be upset now that you''ve changed your mind. Starting a family an be a deal breaker with many couples (I have friends who went through this but it was the husband that said no after the wedding).


Now as for the birthing process...I have 3 children and my experience was so different than the experiece of my best friend, my sister and many women I know. I had 3 EASY deliveries. No tearing, no surgery and walking around feeling fabulous right away. I''m just trying to say not to let what your friend went through scare you. We don''t have control over our birthing experience. You can make a birthing plan but things happen at times that you have no control over.


I think you really owe it to yourself and your fiance to really think about this. Don''t let one persons situation sway you. I can''t tell you how many ppl will give you horror stories as soon as they find out you are trying to get pregnant or are pregnant. PPL don''t know how to use common sense and keep their mouths shut. When I hear women telling a poor pregnant women who''s scared out of her pants their horror stories of birth...I feel I have to interject and giver her a pleasant story...let her know there are good birthing experiences too.

forgot to add....


BTW you aren''t a coward...birth is an unknown to all of us. The unknown is usually pretty damn scary. I was nervous with every birth because I didn''t know how it would go BUT I believed in my doctor and knew that I would be ok..I had to believe this. THINK POSITIVE!

I''m not trying to tell you to have a child but just really think and talk to your fiance. This is a HUGE decision!

GL with the talk.

 

[perry]

Have you considered a surroget mother?

Another thing to consider is that he may want to impregnate naturally. In my view a marriage is about so much more than sex - and this would be acceptable in other cultures. You may wish to think about that too.

One way or another - you will have to compromise on something here if this relationship is likely to proceed: either agree to bear children or agree to alternate means that meets his needs.

Perry

 

[makemepretty]

Being pregnant and giving birth IS scary! The reward, outweighs anything you go through. Being responsible for a small human being, is more scary though. Millions do it and I'm sure you'd manage fine.

I always thought that if one person in a relationship didn't want children and the other did, then they should break up. I didn't think it was fair for either of them. However, my sister and a past boyfriend were together for 3 years. She has always wanted children, he said he didn't. They broke up. He was, and I believe always will be, the love of her life.

Fast forward 5 years. She's married and has 1 and 1 on the way, not to him though. Her marriage isn't the greatest. He just had a baby with his S.O.(we don't know if he got married, they no longer keep in touch but she ran into his SIL).

If she had just waited would he have matured and realized kids aren't that bad? She doesn't know, he is now a parent and I bet he'll be a great one. He was a great guy, just having a child scared him.

People change as they get older, you mature. Some people never have kids, sometimes it's biological even and not something you can do anything about. I always say, keep in mind that if you don't have children, you'll never have grandchildren

I think if you're willing to adopt that's a great compromise. I hope your FI loves you enough to realize it's YOUR body.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi celine

i just wanted to chime in with my 2 cents worth.

i dont have kids of my own (tho would have liked to), but i have been at a number of deliveries. my sister walked back to her room after the birth of her first 2 children. i mean, i know the birth part is tough - but at the end, she washed up, put on clean PJ''s...and just walked back to her room. my best friend had a 7 hour labor from start to finish for her first child, and only the last hour was truly tough. another of my girlfriends has 4 kids - all home births. by number 3 she was pushing them out with a minimum number of contractions and doesn''t consider it to have been a big deal, pain-wise. yet another girlfriend of mine is a nurse practitioner mid-wife, and her focus is on making childbirth pleasurable. you might want to look into that - there''s a pretty big movement out there that says birth doesn''t have to be a ''screaming, tearing, painful'' procedure. if you''re young, in good health and the pregnancy is normal, there are a lot of options to the much-publicized painful procedure.

i''d also like to mention that adoption isn''t a ''simple and equal'' alternative to having your own children. most (not all, but most) adopted kids wrestle with enormous issues of identity and attachment. adoption is a different process, emotionally, to having your children naturally. to adopt, i believe parents have to not only want children - they have to want to ADOPT children, they have to want an ADOPTED child. they have to want to be part of that process. as a child psychologist, i worked with many families where an adopted child was present. very, very few of them don''t experience a sense of being connected to two sets of parents, which most often leads to a sense of being torn - something many of them struggle with all their lives. i would advise ANYONE considering adoption to read the research, look at the statistics, and try to fully embrace just how difficult that process can be. and the stories of adopted kids raised by good, loving families, who then leave that family to go find their ''real parents'' are legion.

don''t misunderstand me - i am pro adoption. but people who go into it thinking it will necessarily be trouble free because of how much they intend to love that child aren''t really coming to grips with the issues. to be honest, i am slightly irritated when people who can have children of their own say ''i don''t want to - we''ll just adopt''. ''just adopting'' is an enormous, difficult, and often painful process which can go well or badly depending largely on luck. people who adopt need to be special people indeed. hard tho this comment might sound, i would suggest that if you don''t want children enough to go through the pain of childbirth, then you don''t want children enough to go through the issues of adoption. i could name many adopting families and adopted adults - even from successful, bonded, happy homes - who would rate the experiences/issues associated with adoption as considerably more painful than childbirth - a fleeting experience by comparison.

let me state again, many adoption experiences go well. my closest girlfriend of 33 years who i consider to be my sister was adopted. as was another of my closest friends. and they both turned out to be wonderful, classy, beautiful people. but i know what they wrestled with in their heads. and i know what so many of my own clients wrestled with, and it was painful stuff.

i know that raising children is a tough gig right across the board. children can hurt like nothing else. parenting will always be the toughest of all roles in my opinion and a good parent is something between a saint and a hero. but there''s very few pains in life equal to going through all that stuff, then having your 17 yr old daughter look you in the eye one day and say "you''re not my mother. i''m going to find my real mother." if you''re not willing to take THAT risk, then i would say you''re not right to adopt.

and apart from aaaaall of that...if you''re capable of conception and delivery, what happens when, as so often does, you adopt a child - then conceive naturally? trust me when i tell you, that opens up a whole new can of worms....

an adopted child deserves more in a parent than someone who chose them as an alternative to going through delivery because their partner wanted children.

i wish you well in making wise and joyous decisions.

 

[steph72276]

So, I guess the first question you have to ask yourself is this: Is it JUST the labor/delivery part that you don''t want anything to do with, or is it the actual caring for/being responsible for a child that is scary to you? If it is just the labor/delivery part then I think you really need to ask yourself if you are willing to go through a few hours of pain to be with the one you love and have a family. I have said this before, I love my husband very very much, but if he would have told me after we got engaged that he didn''t want children, it would have been a deal breaker for me....of course, it would be a different story if it was medically impossible for him to have children, we would work through that.

Like others have said, many many deliveries go smoothly without tearing, c-sections, etc. and there is really no way to know how yours would turn out ahead of time. You know they give you medication that eases the pain, right? I can tell you I had a very hard delivery with 24 hours of labor and then an emergency c-section with complications, but I am pregnant again with my 2nd, because in the end, it was all completely worth it.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

As an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent myself, I kind of agree with Whitby, but I also disagree. I definitely agree that you must want ADOPTED children...wanting children isn't always sufficient enough. BUT, although I believe Whitby acknowledges this, you should know there are plenty of adoptees who are happy and adjusted people. Personally, part of the reason I adopted was due to the same fact as you- I didn't want to have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. This reason was by no means the only reason why I adopted, and like Whitby, I would encourage you to really examine your motives if this is the only reason you're interested in it.

Perhaps because I was at the forefront of international adoptions and open adoptions were non-existent, I never felt connected to two sets of parents, nor did I feel torn. I now know much more about my birth parents, and I still don't feel torn. Yes, there are disgruntled adoptees out there, who have indeed searched out their birth families, but please don't think every single adoptee out there will turn their backs on their adoptive families. In fact, I can't think of any adoptees I know who have done that. Most of the adoptees I know haven't even searched for any bio family members. And if they did search for their birth families, I wouldn't classify that as leaving their families to find their "real parents."

Anyway, my point isn't so much to disagree with Whitby entirely- like she said, I would encourage you to really research adoption if that's something you're truly interested. Obviously I am very pro-adoption, but I realize it's not for everyone, just as having kids (whether bio or adopted) isn't for everyone either.

 

[NakedFinger]

I have to agree with whitby. Adopting a child just because you "dont like what carrying a child does to your body" is not a good reason. Im sorry, but I think not having a child just because you dont want stretch marks, weight gain, a c-section scar (if needed) etc is selfish. If you dont want to have any kids, then that is your perogative, and you need to let your FI know that before you get married. However, if you are willing to adopt, then you are obviously willing to raise a child, so I dont think that is the issue.

I dont think a single woman can say she wasnt a little freaked out the first time getting pregnant and the whole process. You've never done it before, dont know what to expect, etc. Almost everyone I know what a little worried/uneasy/or plain FREAKED OUT, but its worth it, and we do it.

I am one of 6 kids, and my mom had to have a c-section ALL 6 TIMES! Thats six surgeries, 6 recoveries, and 6 scars. But she wouldnt have done it if the result wasnt the joy that it is.

 

[D&T]

life is scary as it is, but the joy the kids bring to your life I really cant sum it all in words, it makes me teary eyes. I didn''t plan on having kids for a long time, ooops it came much sooner than expected, didn''t really know much and none of my close friends had kids yet. I went through 21 hours of labor, then an emergency c-secton at 2am in the morning! three years later along came another little one to add to my family and I opted to go for a c-section rather than the uncertainty of another long labor maybe/maybe not again then another er c-section. But that was my choice. Yes, the recovery is a process, but the joy these little ones brings in your life, kinda just wipes that little bit of pain away. Life sometimes is a bit like enduring to the end, and childbirth is just a tiny bit part of that scheme. More importantly is the question, do you want to have kids and be responsible for these little beings? or no to parenting altogether?

 

[Lilac]

I found whitby''s post very interesting and I completely agree with it.

Just one thing to add - while I think adoption is amazing and I really respect people who decide to do it, I would think both partners should be in complete agreement about adoption. If you want to adopt, but your FI "wants at least one biological child of your own," he might always give off a sense of that to the adopted child (if you adopted). What I mean is, it would be one thing if the two of you agreed and were excited about the prospect of adopting - then it''s much easier to make the child feel wanted and loved and cared for. But if you want to adopt and your FI wants a biological child and doesn''t really want to adopt, he might have a hard time conveying the love he should be for the adopted child because he really had wanted a biological child but you wouldn''t agree to that. Adopting a child if you BOTH don''t REALLY want to isn''t fair to any of you, especially not the child.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Date: 7/1/2009 10:09:10 AM
Author: Lilac

Just one thing to add - while I think adoption is amazing and I really respect people who decide to do it, I would think both partners should be in complete agreement about adoption. If you want to adopt, but your FI ''wants at least one biological child of your own,'' he might always give off a sense of that to the adopted child (if you adopted). What I mean is, it would be one thing if the two of you agreed and were excited about the prospect of adopting - then it''s much easier to make the child feel wanted and loved and cared for. But if you want to adopt and your FI wants a biological child and doesn''t really want to adopt, he might have a hard time conveying the love he should be for the adopted child because he really had wanted a biological child but you wouldn''t agree to that. Adopting a child if you BOTH don''t REALLY want to isn''t fair to any of you, especially not the child.

I agree with this. But, I don''t think that they would pass the home study, if her FI was honest about how he felt with the social worker. So I guess in the end, the point is moot...because her FI doesn''t want to adopt, so she can''t force him to.

 

[princesss]

I agree with Whitby and Logan Sapphire.

If you don't want kids, fine. That happens. You need to be open and honest with yourself and your FI about why.

I didn't want kids. I still talk about it like I'm on the fence, but BF and I have a plan. And it's one that excites me. He wants a biological child, and I'm okay with that. Not thrilled about the pregnancy and L&D part, but I could see myself having a kid because in the end, I think the child outweighs the fear and the pain. But we'll also adopt. When I struggled with whether I ever wanted kids, I spent months researching options, and really soul searching on whether I could ever be a mother. Could I be that selfless? Could I put my wants and needs behind the wants and needs of my children? I didn't think I could do it. And then I started reading blogs of people who adopted, and looking at pictures of their families, and I got chills. I sat in front of my computer, reading, almost in tears because I finally saw *my* family. My future, dream family. It was a moment of revelation, and I realized that more than anything, I want to adopt a child. And I strongly believe that adopted parents should feel that rush and desire and sense of purpose. I could happily live my life without a biological child, but I feel like I would regret it forever if I did not adopt. Is there a chance that my child could decide to completely turn their back on me in favour of their biological parents? Yes. And even now that's terrifying. There will be identity issues (especially because I want to adopt internationally) that we'll have to work through, individually and as a family. But when I think about it, I'm excited. Energized.

Please think about what you really want. Yes, labour is a scary thing. Pregnancy is a scary thing. If you want to adopt (and I mean truly want an adopted child and all of the pros and cons that go with adopting), then discuss it with your FI. But please examine your motivation beyond not wanting to go through labour. Is there a deeper desire to adopt, or is there only fear of pain? Because pain can be lessened, gyms can be joined, and tummy tucks can be had. But if you don't think a child is worth all of the potential pain, then you really need to have a frank discussion with your FI, because he deserves and honest partner with the same goals that he has.

ETA: The ladies above are right on the money. You both need to be on the same page about what you want. You both need to be excited about whatever path you choose. I know I was worried when I posed adoption as an option, but BF took the idea and ran with it. We love the idea of our future family. If the two of you don't LOVE your plan, you need to really think about what that means.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Date: 7/1/2009 10:17:15 AM
Author: princesss
I agree with Whitby and Logan Sapphire.


If you don''t want kids, fine. That happens. You need to be open and honest with yourself and your FI about why.


I didn''t want kids. I still talk about it like I''m on the fence, but BF and I have a plan. And it''s one that excites me. He wants a biological child, and I''m okay with that. Not thrilled about the pregnancy and L&D part, but I could see myself having a kid because in the end, I think the child outweighs the fear and the pain. But we''ll also adopt. When I struggled with whether I ever wanted kids, I spent months researching options, and really soul searching on whether I could ever be a mother. Could I be that selfless? Could I put my wants and needs behind the wants and needs of my children? I didn''t think I could do it. And then I started reading blogs of people who adopted, and looking at pictures of their families, and I got chills. I sat in front of my computer, reading, almost in tears because I finally saw *my* family. My future, dream family. It was a moment of revelation, and I realized that more than anything, I want to adopt a child. And I strongly believe that adopted parents should feel that rush and desire and sense of purpose. I could happily live my life without a biological child, but I feel like I would regret it forever if I did not adopt. Is there a chance that my child could decide to completely turn their back on me in favour of their biological parents? Yes. And even now that''s terrifying. There will be identity issues (especially because I want to adopt internationally) that we''ll have to work through, individually and as a family. But when I think about it, I''m excited. Energized.


Please think about what you really want. Yes, labour is a scary thing. Pregnancy is a scary thing. If you want to adopt (and I mean truly want an adopted child and all of the pros and cons that go with adopting), then discuss it with your FI. But please examine your motivation beyond not wanting to go through labour. Is there a deeper desire to adopt, or is there only fear of pain? Because pain can be lessened, gyms can be joined, and tummy tucks can be had. But if you don''t think a child is worth all of the potential pain, then you really need to have a frank discussion with your FI, because he deserves and honest partner with the same goals that he has.


ETA: The ladies above are right on the money. You both need to be on the same page about what you want. You both need to be excited about whatever path you choose. I know I was worried when I posed adoption as an option, but BF took the idea and ran with it. We love the idea of our future family. If the two of you don''t LOVE your plan, you need to really think about what that means.

This was the best post I''ve seen on adoption! Congrats on your decision to adopt. What country are you thinking of?

Not that my opinion should count, but I want to reinforce what others are saying. You BOTH should agree on your course of action. If you truly don''t want bio kids, then your BF needs to know that. And think about all your options. You say you''d be willing to have one bio kid to satisfy your boyfriend, but what happens if you or BF are infertile? What does that do to your adoption plans? I know it''s hard to think about these future scenarios, but the more informed you, the better it''ll be.

 

[Bia]

You need to figure it out before you get married.

If you don't want kids, you don't want them, and that is OKAY. But if you're not sure, talk to him about your fears. Just know that if he wants kids, it is likely he will not change his mind, nor should he.

eta: saying you're 'willing' to adopt struck me as odd. You should adopt because you want to, need to...not as a compromise. I don't have children but from what I hear, it's not easy raising another person--rewarding yes, but not easy--so make sure it's what you really want.

 

[princesss]

Logan Sapphire,

Thank you. It''s obviously a topic I''m very passionate about. I''d love to adopt from Ethiopia or Thailand. I''m not sure why I feel a pull towards Ethiopia, but I do. And I lived in Thailand for years, and have a connection to that part of the world that will stay with me that makes it feel right. But we''re still years away from this being a possibility. We should probably get married first, lol. But I honestly went from not wanting kids to being energized and feeling like a big chunk of my life had clicked into place. BF was so happy to see the change in me, because he''s a real family guy. He still teases me when he catches me saying, "When we have kids," instead of "If we have kids."

Celine, I wish you the best, I really do. I just think that you''ve got a tough discussion and a lot of soul searching to do. It''s not fun or easy, but it''s worth it to figure out exactly what you want and what your partner wants. You both deserve somebody that is on the same page as you about your potential family.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 7/1/2009 9:30:33 AM
Author: Logan Sapphire
As an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent myself, I kind of agree with Whitby, but I also disagree. I definitely agree that you must want ADOPTED children...wanting children isn't always sufficient enough. BUT, although I believe Whitby acknowledges this, you should know there are plenty of adoptees who are happy and adjusted people. Personally, part of the reason I adopted was due to the same fact as you- I didn't want to have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. This reason was by no means the only reason why I adopted, and like Whitby, I would encourage you to really examine your motives if this is the only reason you're interested in it.


Perhaps because I was at the forefront of international adoptions and open adoptions were non-existent, I never felt connected to two sets of parents, nor did I feel torn. I now know much more about my birth parents, and I still don't feel torn. Yes, there are disgruntled adoptees out there, who have indeed searched out their birth families, but please don't think every single adoptee out there will turn their backs on their adoptive families. In fact, I can't think of any adoptees I know who have done that. Most of the adoptees I know haven't even searched for any bio family members. And if they did search for their birth families, I wouldn't classify that as leaving their families to find their 'real parents.'


Anyway, my point isn't so much to disagree with Whitby entirely- like she said, I would encourage you to really research adoption if that's something you're truly interested. Obviously I am very pro-adoption, but I realize it's not for everyone, just as having kids (whether bio or adopted) isn't for everyone either.

hi logan

i just wanted to clarify what i said about adopted kids who go searching for biological parents. both my friends wanted to find their biological parents - NOT to 'turn their backs on their adoptive families' - but just to get a better sense of self. i worked in this area in australia at a time when, not only was there no open adoption, adopted kids couldnt even access their original birth certificates. a lot of the looking for biological parents wasn't an act of turning away from adoptive families, nor did i mean to imply that (and i don't think i actually said that). it was part of trying to work out who they were and how to define their own identity. i'm not using 'identity' to mean a physical name or even lineage, but a more general, spiritual, if you will, sense of who they were in the universe. a lot of the time kids and adults i worked with wanted to answer the simple question 'why was i given up?' this, however, is a pretty big question. can i also say, i would never consider these people 'disgruntled adoptees'. these are people with genuine questions and genuine issues. my best friend is the most wonderful person i know, and she wrestled with some of these questions and still does - yet she remains an essentially joyous, loving, warm, huge hearted woman. 'disgruntled' doesn't define her in any way.

as for abruptly leaving adoptive families to find biological parents, i'm referring to a number of incidents i can think of - one which happened to a friend of mine and one which was a work connection, where the child in question literally said "i'm leaving to go and find my real mother." of all the adopted kids and adopting families i know, and of all the articles i've read, these were the minority. but given that it does happen, i think an adopting family needs to be prepared for issues that a biological nuclear family doesn't (the reverse is also true of course, but that's a whole other topic). the choice of words was theirs, by the way, not mine. i think who our 'real' parents are is a choice only we can make - the word 'real' isn't black and white. for most adopted kids, in australia at least, this isn't a question; their 'real' parents are the ones they've grown up with and been raised by all their lives. this is also my own general opinion as to what constitutes a parent, but i stop short of telling someone else who they can and can't consider their parents to be.

what i'm saying is - a person/couple shouldn't buy into the process unless they're 100% committed, because there's issues that may raise their heads. one shouldn't adopt a child in the belief that it will be easier or more convenient; adopting children is exactly like conceiving and delivering; it's a lifelong commitment, that's YOUR child, and it's forever. so one needs to consider both the best case scenario, but also the more rare but worst eventualities. if one THEN wants to commit - then you're the right person for the job.

the same principle applies for biological parents; nobody should get off lightly in the commitment area when it comes to children.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Thanks for clarifying, Whitby

. I think I misunderstood what you were saying about literally leaving to find one''s bio families, since there ARE disgruntled adoptees out there, who have renounced their adoptive families and their adoptive countries. Maybe it''s just a Korean thing...but there''s a group (can''t remember the name) who feels like they have been robbed of their culture and kidnapped from Korea. They are very vocal about how damaging international adoption is, and are a very big reason Korea is aiming to shut down its international adoption program in the next few years. Have you heard of this group? I thought since you were Australian, and I know a lot of Korean adoptees go to Australia, maybe you were familiar with it. I guess in my defensiveness of adoption (maybe I have my own issues??

), I thought those were the kinds of people you were referring to, and wanted the OP to know that most adoptees are not "disgruntled" to that degree.

Yes, in my opinion, it''s quite normal and healthy to have feelings and questions surrounding your adoption! Some prospective adoptive parents might be scared by this, but I embrace it, both as an adoptee and an adoptive parent. Should my daughter ever want to search for info about her birth parents, I welcome it, just as I welcome sharing with my parents info about my birth parents.

Anyway, not to threadjack and turn it into a referendum on adoption...I totally agree with you on both being sure! No disagreements there!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Are you sure there isn''t more to your fear of having children other than your friend''s story of tearing? That doesn''t sound like much to base an important life decision to me. This might sound harsh, but our bodies heal, and we live in the best age in human history for childbirth. No, the tearing doesn''t sound pleasant, but you heal. Maybe you are actually uncomfortable with the idea for other reasons?

If at the end of the day you are absolutely positive that you never want to bear children, then it''s best to tell your fiance this now before the wedding. That way he can decide whether or not he still wants to marry you with all of the information.

 

[nycbkgirl]

i just wanted to say that i am in a similar boat/....i already have 2 kiddos but dh wants more and i dont! so i duno what to do about that either! our twins are almost 3 months old and its a terror...i cant imagine doing this again or imagine he WANTS to do this again! the kids thing def is a deal breaker...i often think that if i decided not to have kids it would end our relationship eventually bc he is such a kid person!

i hope u think it over and decide whats best for u and never do anything that u dont want to..having kids is a lifetime commitment and not smthg to take lightly...good luck to u !

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 7/1/2009 10:58:01 AM
Author: whitby_2773

Date: 7/1/2009 9:30:33 AM
Author: Logan Sapphire
As an adult adoptee and an adoptive parent myself, I kind of agree with Whitby, but I also disagree. I definitely agree that you must want ADOPTED children...wanting children isn''t always sufficient enough. BUT, although I believe Whitby acknowledges this, you should know there are plenty of adoptees who are happy and adjusted people. Personally, part of the reason I adopted was due to the same fact as you- I didn''t want to have to go through pregnancy and childbirth. This reason was by no means the only reason why I adopted, and like Whitby, I would encourage you to really examine your motives if this is the only reason you''re interested in it.


Perhaps because I was at the forefront of international adoptions and open adoptions were non-existent, I never felt connected to two sets of parents, nor did I feel torn. I now know much more about my birth parents, and I still don''t feel torn. Yes, there are disgruntled adoptees out there, who have indeed searched out their birth families, but please don''t think every single adoptee out there will turn their backs on their adoptive families. In fact, I can''t think of any adoptees I know who have done that. Most of the adoptees I know haven''t even searched for any bio family members. And if they did search for their birth families, I wouldn''t classify that as leaving their families to find their ''real parents.''


Anyway, my point isn''t so much to disagree with Whitby entirely- like she said, I would encourage you to really research adoption if that''s something you''re truly interested. Obviously I am very pro-adoption, but I realize it''s not for everyone, just as having kids (whether bio or adopted) isn''t for everyone either.

hi logan

i just wanted to clarify what i said about adopted kids who go searching for biological parents. both my friends wanted to find their biological parents - NOT to ''turn their backs on their adoptive families'' - but just to get a better sense of self. i worked in this area in australia at a time when, not only was there no open adoption, adopted kids couldnt even access their original birth certificates. a lot of the looking for biological parents wasn''t an act of turning away from adoptive families, nor did i mean to imply that (and i don''t think i actually said that). it was part of trying to work out who they were and how to define their own identity. i''m not using ''identity'' to mean a physical name or even lineage, but a more general, spiritual, if you will, sense of who they were in the universe. a lot of the time kids and adults i worked with wanted to answer the simple question ''why was i given up?'' this, however, is a pretty big question. can i also say, i would never consider these people ''disgruntled adoptees''. these are people with genuine questions and genuine issues. my best friend is the most wonderful person i know, and she wrestled with some of these questions and still does - yet she remains an essentially joyous, loving, warm, huge hearted woman. ''disgruntled'' doesn''t define her in any way.

as for abruptly leaving adoptive families to find biological parents, i''m referring to a number of incidents i can think of - one which happened to a friend of mine and one which was a work connection, where the child in question literally said ''i''m leaving to go and find my real mother.'' of all the adopted kids and adopting families i know, and of all the articles i''ve read, these were the minority. but given that it does happen, i think an adopting family needs to be prepared for issues that a biological nuclear family doesn''t (the reverse is also true of course, but that''s a whole other topic). the choice of words was theirs, by the way, not mine. i think who our ''real'' parents are is a choice only we can make - the word ''real'' isn''t black and white. for most adopted kids, in australia at least, this isn''t a question; their ''real'' parents are the ones they''ve grown up with and been raised by all their lives. this is also my own general opinion as to what constitutes a parent, but i stop short of telling someone else who they can and can''t consider their parents to be.

what i''m saying is - a person/couple shouldn''t buy into the process unless they''re 100% committed, because there''s issues that may raise their heads. one shouldn''t adopt a child in the belief that it will be easier or more convenient; adopting children is exactly like conceiving and delivering; it''s a lifelong commitment, that''s YOUR child, and it''s forever. so one needs to consider both the best case scenario, but also the more rare but worst eventualities. if one THEN wants to commit - then you''re the right person for the job.

the same principle applies for biological parents; nobody should get off lightly in the commitment area when it comes to children.

Sorry, not to Threadjack, but I was wondering Whitby if you have much experience with the difference for the families and children re: open vs. closed adoption. I''ve always wondered which was best for the child/ren. I don''t currently plan on kids, but if I do decide on kids, I will adopt. I volunteer representing abused/neglected/dependent children in court, so I am aware of many of the issues... I am simply mortified about the idea of children growing up without parents. And I''ve felt that way since I was 12, lol! For that reason, I am personally 100% against having bio kids until every child has a parent. Parenting is tough work, period, but tenacious and responsible parents survive regardless of the circumstance (re: biological or adoptive).

 

[purrfectpear]

If you just don''t want kiddos that''s fine. Perfectly OK and a sound decision.


However, if you are OK with kids (your statement about adoption) and are just afraid of the birth part (your statement about tearing and "putting your body through that"), then yes, sorry, you are a coward. A great big screaming coward.

There, I said it, now no one else will have to do the dirty work.

Grow up, get over it, your body isn''t some precious ming vase that has to be kept in pristine condition. Better hope life doesn''t hand you any other nasty surprises as there are plenty out there

. I had a miserable birth and I got over it. Several million women a year go through this experience. If you''ve decided you just aren''t that brave, then just put a big C on your chest and give your boyfriend the good news.

 

[whitby_2773]

hey logan - thanks for responding i knew when i read your first post that we were on the same page - it was just a question of how to to make myself understood; it''s such a personal and hot button issue, isnt it?

i don''t know the korean group you''re referring to; i''ve been out of australia now for 9 years, and international adoption has only been on the upswing for about 20 - exponentially so - so i''ve missed the majority of it. i''m not sure what my position on it would be; i do think there are fewer issues when adopting within culture, tho i can still see the efficacy of having international adoptions. i dont know if you''re familiar with the term ''nature or nurture'' as it relates to personality development. for a long time people thought how a child was brought up, and the experiences they had, defined them. they are discovering now MUCH MORE that it''s a case of genetic imprinting - that we are who we were conceived to be. if that''s true, i can definitely see a stronger argument for keeping adopted children within their own original culture, as their personality''s genetic make up will reflect their cultural heritage; some personality traits really DO run more strongly within specific cultures. so is adopting within culture always best for the child? not at all. but legislation will tend to be in favor of the majority and i suspect that, over time, studies will show a range of problems that most (not all) children who remain in their own culture don''t experience. it will be fascinating to see how this goes; there''s so much international adoption at this point the ramifications of trying to halt it are almost mind-boggling and the issues so wide reaching that researchers could find a significant group to support almost any position.

trillionaire - i have a little experience with this, but not a lot. my own position tends to run down the center somewhat. i favor whatever is most stable for the child and the situation which allows the child to have the healthiest, most normal family experience. i feel all children should have access to their birth certificates and family medical records; everybody needs those things. i tend to favor the idea of contact between adopted child and birth parent/s after a certain age - tho i know, as soon as i see that, there will be a group of valid people who will point out how much more stable it is to introduce ''all significant family players'' at a young age. i feel, however, that inherent in adoption is the ''giving up'' of a child; giving up and holding on can be confusing for everyone, not least of all the adoptive family - but then again, if they''re fine with it... and so it goes round and round. for myself, were i to adopt, i would want a closed adoption, but with birth certificates and medical records available. then, if after the age of 18, my child wanted to establish contact with their birth mother/family, the option to sign up to a government coordinated registry. if the adopted child has their birth certificate, it''s a simple thing to establish a registry to reunite adopted children with their biological mother, if they so choose to be found. often, however, mothers who opt for a closed adoption prefer not to be found. and sometimes they change their mind. so one, central, coordinated body would be helpful in this regard. i think this should be the right of any adult adopted child - to know their biological parents if they so choose.

 

[whitby_2773]

celine -

i just wanted to come back and give you a little encouragement! i'm sure you're not the biggest scaredy-cat in all the world re having kids, so you need to believe that, if 'they' can do it, so can you. like - i dont think 'outstanding bravery' is a pre-requisite for childbirth. i know a WHOLE LOT of women who go into the process saying "give me drugs! lots of BIG, NUMBNESS-INDUCING DRUGS!!"

and there is that option, ok? there are pain killers and all sorts of assistance you can ask for. there's various birthing methods, as i mentioned before, and having a C section just isnt the worst thing in the world. i haven't had one, but i DID have a tumor the size of a football removed after it had been growing in my belly for a year, so the incision made and the muscles cut were about the same as a c-section (maybe a little bigger, if anything), and a week layer i was tired and sore, but i went and helped one of my girlfriends move house. a couple of years later you could barely see the scar (and i had 210 stitches, much more than a c-section!) so please - dont beat yourself up about your lack of bravery - i'm sure you're not the first person and won't be the last to be scared witless by the idea of delivery. people more timid than you get through it, and, at the end of the day, you're talking about days of inconvenience, not years and years.

please don't be scared away by the strength of some of these responses; your concerns are valid and you have a right to ask your question. (and i'll bet a zillion women here are secretly agreeing with you, too, and are pleased you asked on behalf of you all!)

good luck with your decision

 

[trillionaire]

Celine,

Cowardice is not being unethusiastic or anxious about the changing body and childbearing, cowardice is not standing up for what you want or need in a relationship. At the risk of losing your man, it is not at all cowardly to say, 'Hey, I'm not really willing to do this'. It is mature, and adult, and the most that should be expected from you.

Cowardice would be cowing to him or anyone else that suggests that you have to have a biological kid as if it is some sort of badge of honor.

ETA: With that being said, I concur with VRBeauty, below. You absolutely SHOULD educate yourself on the process. I did a research paper on home vs/ hospital birth when I was 14, and if I was to have a child, I would want to do it at home with a midwife and not in a hospital. You'd be amazed at what you can learn about the birthing process! I think Ricky Lake was in some independent film on the topic in the past few years... someone on here might know what it was called?

 

[VRBeauty]

Celine -- If it''s "only" the birthing experience you''re concerned about, then I suggest you commit to educating yourself more before you make a life-changing decision based on your fear. I wish I had suggestions for how to go about this, but I don''t. Maybe someone else does? I''m not saying your fear is irrational, but it does seem to focus on bad delivery scenarios while ignoring the positive. Many women deliver their babies with no lasting physical trauma, and that there are options -- from mental preparation to drugs -- for dealing with any pain you might experience. You and your fiance are really in different books on this issue. Before you break up over this, would you be willing to maybe talk with an OB or midwife to find out more about the broad range of birthing experiences?

 

[Pandora II]

Epidurals and morphine are wonderful inventions...

 

[choro72]

Children are deal makers or breakers in relationships. This is too important base decisions on a friend's birth story. You two need to be on the same page before you marry.
I suggest you talk to more people, perhaps your doctor, to further educate yourself. Don't get hung up on your "cowardice". That is not the issue here.

 

[vespergirl]

It''s totally fine to not want children, but I really don''t think that you should get married if you don''t want kids to someone who does want them. One of my friends and her husband are going through this right now - he really wants kids, she doesn''t, they''ve been married for two years, and for the past year it''s been a daily fight, and they are very unhappy right now. I don''t them from the time that they got engaged that I didn''t think it was a good idea to get married until they worked this issue out, but they didn''t, and now it''s a huge problem.

If the issue is that you want kids but just don''t want to physically have one yourself, you can also have a surrogate carry your fertilized egg - controversial but some people are doing that now - so it''s the biological child of both you & your husband, just carried by someone else.

Or, you can look at adoption. However, not all men are interested in adoption. We are having trouble trying to conceive our second child now, but my husband told me that he is not interested in adoption if we can''t conceive on our own. Also, the friend I mentioned above has a similar issue - she will have a child, she would just prefer to adopt, but her husband does not want to raise a child that isn''t his, especially because there aren''t infertility issues - she is just afraid of pregnancy.

Either way, I think that you guys have to have a serious conversation about this before you decide to marry, because it''s really not fair to enter a marriage with such a dealbreaker issue standing in the way.