Do you ever feel like you''re annoying other people by just being you?

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/4/2008 10:01:39 PM
Author: jennypoo
Hi Gwen! I, too, have felt this way. What I''ve learned though is that if people truly feel ''annoyed'' by you, they''re probably not worth keeping as friends anyway. All of my true and blue friends have liked me for ME, simple as that. I haven''t ever had to worry about whether or not they find me annoying, or if I may be offending them by my behaviour, and vice versa. Basically, as I''ve gotten older and grown more into the person I am today, I just stopped caring so much about what other people think. There are two ways you can live your life: doing what pleases others, or doing what pleases yourself. The latter will make you much happier! Just be confident and be yourself. That way you''ll attract like-minded people who are more apt to accept you just the way you are.

Hiya, jennypoo! Yeah, I think you hit on it when you said that there are two ways to live your life. For the majority of my life (a solid 2/3 of it, probably a bit more), I thought my value to the world was to make everyone else happy, and that my happiness would come from making them happy. Eventually (towards the end of my time at college) something clicked in my head and I said, "Hang on a second, what am I doing? This is MY life, and if I don''t take care of myself, who will? If I don''t make my dreams come true, who will?" Which is when I went and lived for 6 months in Australia on a study exchange (I''d wanted to go to Aus since I was 12

). That was probably the biggest turning point in my life. It was when I realized that I could do for myself and still have friends, still make people happy.

Although I would say I''m *mostly* over that feeling of doing for others, there are definitely times when it comes back. And although I love my friends dearly, because they knew me when I was a doormat, sometimes I think they sort of revert back to expecting me to act like I used to. Most of the time I''ll just laugh it off and say that I am a very different person than what I used to be, but I think sometimes it gets to me. Gets under my skin that they could, even subconsciously, act like they preferred me the other way. Because of this, I''ve thought a number of times of not being friends with them any more, except that they''re good people. They really are. I don''t want to give them up. So I will find a way to deal with how I feel from time to time.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/4/2008 10:48:48 PM
Author: anchor31
I know how you feel, Gwen. I was never a ''popular'' girl, so I often still have insecurities. But one thing I''ve learned is that worrying about those things only harms myself, and the people who do find me annoying are not worth me getting stressed over. At some point, I think we all have to consciously decide that some things aren''t worth worrying about or feeling bad about. And since we can''t make everyone happy... Sometimes it''s just best to shrug it off. For what it''s worth, I don''t think you''re annoying. I find your adventuresque reception ideas terrifying, but you''re not annoying.

Hahahha! Thanks, babe!

Yeah, I''m still sorry that I didn''t put a warning advisory on that link--I thought some people would think I was nuts (and it was still a joke! I really wouldn''t do that for my wedding! Maybe at another time but not for nuptials!), but I didn''t think that people with a fear of heights might have a physical reaction to the picture. I''ve learned my lesson for the next time I post something horrifyingly scary, though.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/4/2008 11:15:03 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Hey Gwen,

From reading your posts, you don not come across as annoying one bit. You consistent in your postings, nice kind and knoweldgeable. I don''t know about IRL. But usually you can tell a lot about a person from their posts. So I say, hold your head high, and be yourself!! I enjoy reading your posts, a lot.


If people find you annoying, that''s probably a misperception by you. As you don''t come across that way on PS. Hope that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense, and you''re a sweetheart for saying so! Thank you! (Although I think I would disagree with the ''knowledgeable'' bit

). I do think there''s probably a big part of it that''s just me being way too sensitive and reading too much into things. Sometimes I can catch myself doing it and make myself stop, and other times it just kind of runs wild. But since I never used to be able to catch myself, I''m getting better! So that''s good.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 12:26:36 AM
Author: diamondfan
Gwen, I face something a bit different in that many times, people want to catergorize me and then get to know me and have to reevaluate. If someone just goes by surface stuff, and see a blonde with nice jewelry and a nice handbag, and just view me that way, they might never get to know the real me. I used to get upset by it and feel I had to prove myself, but finally realized that if someone is not willing to take that time, it is their loss. I am more than just a material one sided person, and I know it. Those people who are worthwhile know it too. I am me, there are many parts to me, and that is that. I know that now, but it took time. So my only point to you is, don''t sweat it, be yourself, let who you are shine through. And also know that sometimes what we interpret as being about us is really not...you could be charming and adorable but that other person is having a crap day...so keep that in mind too.

Yes, that is very true. I think, to some degree, I can relate a bit to the stereotype issue here at grad school because everyone here is from different countries (it''s crazy how diverse it is, like a mini UN). Which is great, except that people assume all kinds of nutty things about everyone else based on national stereotypes. I''ve had some people (I wouldn''t call them friends) who leapt to conclusions about my political views and my religious views and such because of how Americans are seen worldwide. So, yeah, with those people, I think I *did* annoy them just by existing, because of how they assumed I was already. Except, I can ignore people like that most of the time, because they are being ignorant. It''s the people I know better who I find harder to shake off, because I feel like there''s more to it. Although, like you said, maybe there isn''t--maybe they were just having a crappy day and they let it rub off on me. Who knows?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 12:33:17 AM
Author: mimzy
Gwendolyn,


thanks for your reply to my reply! and of course i read the whole thing. i think that a lot of it probably does have to do with where you are at in your life right now. there isn''t a lot of security in your friendships and you don''t know them inside and out like you do your old friends, so it''s more nerve wrecking interacting with them. even with old friends there may be a sort of pressure to get along perfectly with them, but when you are coming off from a dealing with more fragile friendships (in england) it''s probably hard to get on the same page as them. my problems with this started after i parted ways with my core group of friends in high school. since then i haven''t really had many friends, much less good ones. however, there are people in my life that i used to relate perfectly to....now i barely know them. speaking of which.....


my old best friend S and i used to get each other perfectly. she was really the only person (friend) that i felt that i could be honest with about everything. after six or so years of great friendship she began to blow me off, to the point where i just felt stupid about trying to mention hanging out. after a big blow out this past new years she pretty much told me that she thought i was obsessed with her, that i annoyed her, that she was avoiding me and that i needed to get over the friendship. it was pretty much the sum of all fears for me (considering everything i wrote in my last post), and i haven''t spoken to her since. we probably could have resolved it, but it wasn''t worth the blow to my self esteem, as i would constantly be paranoid if we remained in contact. it hasn''t made me bitter, but it has made me realize that the friendships i have now and will make in the future ARE temporary (no matter how good they can be) and that it will be foolish of me to try to continue to count on friends. acknowledging and accepting that has taken pressure off me to try to keep these people in my life. i''m also in grad school and have made one really good friend. are we soul mates? no. but it''s someone to talk to and share with and if she''s not my biggest fan then that is okay because all that matters is for now that we like each other enough to keep talking. and not putting the pressure on myself to make her my new best friend makes me so much more relaxed about the whole thing.


I asked my oldest friend E to be a bridesmaid and i was TERRIFIED that she was going to be annoyed and would only accept out of obligation because we haven''t been SUPER tight in a long time and she is a lot more outgoing than i am (read: she probably thinks i''m boring now). but she was ecstatic. i was a nervous wreck the first time i saw her after i asked her (via mail, we are on opposites sides of the country), and i was a blubbering mess when i tried to explain why. but she just gave me a hug, told me i was ridiculous and never mentioned it again. and i actually believed her. we are talking a lot more now and i still feel that i annoy her sometimes (even after 15 years of friendship, since we were , but i still suck it up.


i used to be super outgoing when i was younger too (talking middle school age here), but i grew into someone who is much more conscientious and discerning, and it sounds like you''re doing the same thing (not that the two are mutually exclusive). whether it''s because of your boyfriend''s influence or a lack of energy or whatever, i think that the best thing you can do in the interim is to embrace your new antisocial tendencies and use the extra time to focus on you. i have to go to bed now and i''m sorry this got so long! i guess the morale of the story is to accept that friendships change and that it''s not because of you, even if it feels like it. if you aren''t feeling secure in the friendship anymore it might not be for no reason - but the reason isn''t you, it''s just the natural course of relationships.


this reply probably made no sense. i''m so tired.


p.s: FI just asked what i was doing and i told him i was replying to a post from a girl who feels like she annoys her friends and he''s like ''oh! you two should start a club''

Hahaha, tell you FI that I''m designing the club t-shirts as we speak.

You know, I think you hit on an all-important element that I hadn''t even thought about until this post. I had a best friend (K). We were best friends since high school (age 13 or 14) and used to do all kinds of things together. When she was in high school, she had a major bout of depression (her parents split up) and claimed she was suicidal and would only talk to me. I spent months dropping things last-minute to make sure I was there for her when she needed me. I suggested she talk to a therapist, which she eventually did, and things improved. We went to different colleges, but kept in touch and saw each other often on breaks. Occasionally I''d get mad at her in college because she''d drop off the face of the earth when she''d start dating someone, but other than that, we were golden.

Fast-foward to us in our mid-to-late twenties. I think I had just turned 26 or 27, and I had been depressed. Majorly, seriously depressed, for a year and a half. Crying myself to sleep every night, avoiding friends most of the time, except when I felt like I could put on a happy face and be the normal me, because I didn''t want them to know how miserable I was. My life wasn''t going where I wanted it to, my boyfriend (who had told me he wanted to spend his life with me) had told me he''d been cheating on me with a former friend/music student of mine--I was generally just very unhappy with my life. For a year and a half I just scraped by, until one day I decided I needed to tell someone, a friend, to get that nudge to go and see a therapist. K''s mom and step-mom are both psychologists, so I knew she would suggest therapy, and I just needed a little caring push in that direction to get myself to go.

So I tell K that I have to talk to her about something. She was in law school at the time and had just met a good friend of mine at my birthday party in NYC a couple of months before and they had started dating immediately (she tends to do this, immerse herself completely in someone when she''s dating, like she had in college). Anyway, I told her how I had been feeling, and how long I had been feeling this way. She responded by telling me she didn''t have time for me. She said with law school and her new boyfriend, she didn''t have time to finish hearing me out, and that she "had to put me on the back burner for a while." Direct quote. So, I felt even more heartbroken than I had before. Here was someone I had *thought* I could count on for anything, who turned me away the only time I needed her for anything. And after she''d been in the same position and relied on me!

We talked things over months later--6 months, I think. She had twisted things into me being angry with her for dating my friend, and that''s why we''d stopped talking. She had her mother and her boyfriend/my good friend talk to me and tell me how unfair I was being because K was hurting so much. I felt ganged up on, and had no one standing there with me to help fight back. I tried to explain my side of things--that her dating my friend had NOTHING to do with anything, that I''d gone to her for help when I was depressed and she turned me away--but that didn''t get through. She didn''t acknowledge that it ever happened.

We are friends now. We sort of have to be, in order for me to keep my friendship to her boyfriend (now husband). I don''t trust her. I don''t think she realizes this, but things will never be the way they used to be. Friends don''t do that to each other, especially best friends. It''s a shame, because it''s changed me forever, even though I don''t consciously think about it anymore, and I don''t feel like I did anything wrong. I just wanted a little support--I wasn''t asking for her to talk to me every day, all day, because I was depressed! I just wanted one conversation.

So, yeah. I think that probably has a lot to do with it.

 

[Just_Me]

Aww, I''m sorry you were feeling bad. I think we all feel like that sometimes. Hang in there.

 

[tberube]

I''m a pretty sensitive person, as well. I think it comes from my childhood (shy, overweight, afraid of boys, etc.), but now that I''ve come out of that, I still occasionally feel a little shafted or ignored ever so often. Sometimes, someone will say something and I''ll take it really hard, or if I''m accidentally passed over for something, I''ll take it personally.

But other times - it''s funny - I can take a lot of abuse and not take it personally at all! I think it probably has something to do with whether the commentary (or the slight) is expected or if it''s totally out of the blue and I''m unprepared for it.

 

[isaku5]

I used to worry a lot about what other people thought of me, but now I honestly don''t care. I think this is probably because I''m older and more experienced; I don''t feel nearly as insecure as I once did.

One of the benefits of aging

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/5/2008 11:41:05 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/4/2008 6:03:27 PM

Author: bee*

Date: 5/4/2008 12:47:54 PM


Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 5/4/2008 11:10:51 AM



Author: diamondfan



I know where you are coming from, but may I say, without diminishing your feelings (which are valid if you feel them but not necessarily correct if that makes sense) that you only ever seem competent, considerate, well spoken and lovely on PS? I cannot say anything about real life, but cannot imagine a whole lot of differences there. I know how easy it is to believe certain things about ourselves, we can construct it so differing things lend credence to that view, even if it is not wholly correct.





Just be you, and know that just because you think it does not make it so!

I was thinking the same thing after reading your post, Gwenolyn. DF just said it so much better than I could! I enjoy reading your posts, and you always seem very thoughtful, considerate, and kind. I''m also very amazed in your courage to enroll in grad school in another country, leaving your friends and family, to follow a dream you''ve obviously had. You''re now closer to your boyfriend (J?), which I''m sure must be a great feeling. If you lived in new England, I''d see if you would like to get together the next time you''re in town. Ah well...

ditto to both posts. I adore reading your posts Gwendolyn and if you ever come over to Dublin before you head back to the US, we need to meet for pints!

Hahah, thanks, bee-star! (That always makes me think of you as a movie star, y''know

) I missed this the first time, probably as I was writing that novel to Mimzy. You are such a sweetheart and I would love to meet up sometime! I have no idea right now when I will be able to get over to Ireland--the dissertation is due in mid-July, but J and I are staying for another year to live together and sort out our visas, so if it isn''t anytime within the next couple of months, it will hopefully be able to happen before next year. Once J and I are both settled and working in Manchester, we should have at least a little spending money to fly over!

definitely! Dublin''s a great place to visit. Give me a shout when you''re coming over!

 

[HollyS]

Everybody experiences this feeling of being ''merely tolerated'' sometimes. And you know what, we do the same to other folks. It''s just human nature; we each have been both -- perpetrator and recipient -- at some point in our lives.

If you are an essentially good caring human with an empathy for others, a desire to love and be loved, and are usually kind -- don''t worry. No one is perfect 100% of the time; no one is liked by everyone. Each of us has a family and/or an extended family of friends who do love us dearly; and that''s enough to let someone else''s unkindness roll off our backs. if you''ve been unkind, forgive yourself; everyone has a bad day or just simply a bad moment.

What other people think of you is never more important than what you know about yourself. If you like you, (and if you''re not seriously delusional!

) you just need to shrug off their ''attitude'' and forget it.

We like you. Does that help?

 

[Pandora II]

Oh you poor thing, I know exactly how you feel.

I have very mild Aspergers, which I only found out 2 years ago. Most people wouldn't notice it unless they spend a lot of time with me as I cover it up quite well these days. It caused me huge problems as a child though and I was very isolated and badly bullied as a child. I didn't mind the isolation as I like my own company and my hobbies, but the bullying was pretty bad and was over 7 years or so. Children are not kind to children they see as different.

I am almost entirely unable to read body language - and even worse, I'm aware I can't. I don't really like going out much, but when I do I'm very extroverted. I have obsessive hobbies that most people are interested in, but I don't know how much they are interested.

So, I can spend an evening talking to people and will then feel terrible for hours afterwards as I'm convinced that I have definitely talked to much, been deeply boring and that they must have been desperate to escape.

I am assured that this isn't the case, but it still makes me feel extreme hatred towards myself at times.

I actually have VERY few friends IRL as I have never got over these feelings and so I tend to disappear off the scene on a regular basis which doesn't do much for sustaining relationships!

On-line friendships work very well for me as I don't have to deal with any non-verbal language - and I can turn the laptop off when I don't want to talk to people.

I do know that I am a LOT LOT worse when I am at all depressed.


BTW, I think you seem lovely, and I've never seen anything that could ever be seen as annoying in your posts. The invitation to come to London is always there - hey, we can go and try on bling and then convince ourselves that the other finds us annoying for the afternoon!

 

[gwendolyn]

Just Me: Thanks! I was at a low point, but I am feeling better now.

tberube: Hmm, that''s a good point, about not handling it as well because you don''t see it coming. That could certainly be a part of it, since a lot of times I''m with people I''ve only known since September. Because I don''t know them that well, I often can''t predict how they will act in certain situations. Thanks! That helps!

isaku5: I''m getting older (just turned 30 in March!) and definitely (for the most part) feeling pretty confident and comfortable with myself. I think being back at uni makes me feel like I''m regressing in some ways. Like I''m feeling like I did when I was at college the first time!

bee-superstar: Definitely! Uh, will you disown me forever if I tell you I don''t drink stout? Or...much beer at all?

Holly: You are beautiful! Thank you for the kind words; your whole post really puts things into perspective nicely. Thanks so much!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:14:34 PM
Author: Pandora II
Oh you poor thing, I know exactly how you feel.


I have very mild Aspergers, which I only found out 2 years ago. Most people wouldn''t notice it unless they spend a lot of time with me as I cover it up quite well these days. It caused me huge problems as a child though and I was very isolated and badly bullied as a child. I didn''t mind the isolation as I like my own company and my hobbies, but the bullying was pretty bad and was over 7 years or so. Children are not kind to children they see as different.


I am almost entirely unable to read body language - and even worse, I''m aware I can''t. I don''t really like going out much, but when I do I''m very extroverted. I have obsessive hobbies that most people are interested in, but I don''t know how much they are interested.


So, I can spend an evening talking to people and will then feel terrible for hours afterwards as I''m convinced that I have definitely talked to much, been deeply boring and that they must have been desperate to escape.


I am assured that this isn''t the case, but it still makes me feel extreme hatred towards myself at times.


I actually have VERY few friends IRL as I have never got over these feelings and so I tend to disappear off the scene on a regular basis which doesn''t do much for sustaining relationships!


On-line friendships work very well for me as I don''t have to deal with any non-verbal language - and I can turn the laptop off when I don''t want to talk to people.


I do know that I am a LOT LOT worse when I am at all depressed.



BTW, I think you seem lovely, and I''ve never seen anything that could ever be seen as annoying in your posts. The invitation to come to London is always there - hey, we can go and try on bling and then convince ourselves that the other finds us annoying for the afternoon!

Hello, sweet Pandora! You were posting this as I posted my reply to everyone else, so please don''t think I deliberately excluded you!

First of all, I have a very good idea of how you were treated as a child by other children. For the two and a half years before I came to England to work on my master''s degree, I worked in special education as an instructional assistant to gain experience in the field (I''m convinced that''s how I wrangled my way into Cambridge in the first place). I''ve seen firsthand how lovely and how awful children can be to the kids they see as being ''different'' or ''weird.'' The younger they are, the more open and caring they are, but they lose that as they get older, and it''s heartbreaking to watch some students get ostracized for the tiniest differences. And there''s only so much we teachers can do about it. We try, but we can''t make kids be good people. We can only encourage it as best we can.

Anyway, I totally understand why you prefer to interact with folks on the computer. It does make communication less complex, that is certain! I would also LOVE LOVE LOVE to meet up with you in London at some point and oogle jewelry and find each other annoying all day!

I am sorry I didn''t get a chance to come down in March like I thought I could--I ended up staying in Scarborough with J until the night before (literally 11pm) I left for the US. I just couldn''t stand to be away from him any longer than I had to be, knowing it would be at least a month and a half until I saw him again (and I still haven''t yet!). I will have to see if he and I could swing a trip down to London to meet up with you when he comes down. Money''s tight at the moment, since we''re saving up to move in together, but it will be much harder to meet up once school is done and we''re in Manchester (we decided on there instead of London because the cost of living isn''t quite so high but there are still plenty of jobs). I will definitely talk it over with him and see if we could swing a trip! Oh, that would be so much fun!!!

 

[excitedmid40sgirl]

Gwendolyn: Ditto to all the positive, wise responses here. Your posts are always sensitive, caring, and insightful. As I''m getting older, I find myself not as bothered by these feelings as I used to be...My twin sis and I came from a divorced family, liived with loving but way overprotective grandparents for a number of years, and suffered quite a bit of painful rejection and underconfidence as a result. What a blessing that he had each other! Also, I remember reading a quote once that said, "You''d be surprised what people think of you, if you knew how little they do." I took this to mean that people are often so caught up in their own lives and concerns that they''re not focusing on what we''re stressing about. But sensitive types are bound to feel a little hurt sometimes by others'' seeming rudeness, irritation, or lack of attention.

I also COMPLETLEY relate to what you''re saying about not going out as much. I''m an introvert by nature (though I have a good number of friends), and tend to get mentally exhausted if I have lots of social invitations/situations going on at once. I need time to "chill" and to "process," and I need daily doses of "silence." I also think that, mistakenly, I sometimes get nervous about social situations because I unconsciously think that people''s attention is focused on me in some critical way....But when I think how I feel in social situations, I realize that my own attention is hardly ever focused on others in a negative way...I"m usually too wrapped up worrying whether I''m "adequate!"

Gwendolyn, I think you''re great. Keep up the good work!

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/4/2008 11:10:51 AM
Author: diamondfan
I know where you are coming from, but may I say, without diminishing your feelings (which are valid if you feel them but not necessarily correct if that makes sense) that you only ever seem competent, considerate, well spoken and lovely on PS? I cannot say anything about real life, but cannot imagine a whole lot of differences there. I know how easy it is to believe certain things about ourselves, we can construct it so differing things lend credence to that view, even if it is not wholly correct.



Just be you, and know that just because you think it does not make it so!

DITTO! Gwennie, I haven''t read the entire thread, but I think you are one of the loveliest, cheeriest, sunniest people I "know". I was so sad to see that you wrote this thread because honey, I just adore you. Honest.

 

[Skippy123]

Beautiful avatar! Lovely Eyes Gwen!!!

 

[Delster]

Gwen I was just browsing here and wasn't going to log in - it was meant to be a fly-by study break - but I had to reply. Your description of feeling the need to be alone, ignoring your phone sometimes, and your story about your friend K - it all hit home for me. It set off the waterworks here big time.

A very similar thingas your story about K actually happened to me. My friend (let's call her F) actually went so far as to make an attempt on her own life and tell me to my face that she did it because I "didn't love her" (that's a verbatim quote). I went to a counsellor who advised me to cut off all contact, and I did. We were in the same class at uni, only about 14 students in it, and I went to the one other student (let's call her B) that F was close with and told B I was having to pull back from F and could she please provide her with some support. I just told B it was cos of all the drama that had been building up, I didn't give her any specifics. B was horrified and instantly took my side but in the end she did as I asked. By the end of the year B was the only person still talking to me, as F had told the other twelve all sorts of horrific things I had supposedly done. I have not had a close female friend since and I have wondered if I'll ever trust other women IRL again. I have never been the same person since.

The feelings you're describing about grad school are also so familiar to me. The year I did my professional degree I felt like such an outsider the entire time. I was the oldest girl in my group and the other girls were thinking about which shots to drink tomorrow night, or whether X in some other group was interested in them or not, and I was worrying about keeping my LDR going and discussing engagement and marriage with my BF! To make it worse I couldn't afford to live in the city and was living at home (a two hour commute away), so I couldn't socialise with the group. The entire social scene revolved around drinking and 'scoring' - not my scene and not an option in any event!

I feel very exposed having written this now but I'll be brave and hit submit and not go back and edit it! I wanted to add my voice to those saying this isn't unusual, and that you're not alone in feeling this way. Can I also add my voice to those saying that you are never irritating or irksome here on PS. I love reading your posts and I actually perk up a bit if I'm scanning a thread and I see your avatar. When you come to Dublin I'll make sure to be there for those pints hon. Take care.

ETA: On another point have you looked into the theories around homesickness? I have vague recollections of studying this in my language & culture classes at uni - there are numerous stages and the worst one is actually when you return home and nothing seems the same as before you left. It popped into my head as I was reading your description of how disappointed you were in your friends when you were home last month. I don't for one second mean to justify their behaviour, just offering some food for thought.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 10:32:50 PM
Author: excitedmid40sgirl
Gwendolyn: Ditto to all the positive, wise responses here. Your posts are always sensitive, caring, and insightful. As I''m getting older, I find myself not as bothered by these feelings as I used to be...My twin sis and I came from a divorced family, liived with loving but way overprotective grandparents for a number of years, and suffered quite a bit of painful rejection and underconfidence as a result. What a blessing that he had each other! Also, I remember reading a quote once that said, ''You''d be surprised what people think of you, if you knew how little they do.'' I took this to mean that people are often so caught up in their own lives and concerns that they''re not focusing on what we''re stressing about. But sensitive types are bound to feel a little hurt sometimes by others'' seeming rudeness, irritation, or lack of attention.


I also COMPLETLEY relate to what you''re saying about not going out as much. I''m an introvert by nature (though I have a good number of friends), and tend to get mentally exhausted if I have lots of social invitations/situations going on at once. I need time to ''chill'' and to ''process,'' and I need daily doses of ''silence.'' I also think that, mistakenly, I sometimes get nervous about social situations because I unconsciously think that people''s attention is focused on me in some critical way....But when I think how I feel in social situations, I realize that my own attention is hardly ever focused on others in a negative way...I''m usually too wrapped up worrying whether I''m ''adequate!''


Gwendolyn, I think you''re great. Keep up the good work!

As long as that quote means that people think of you seldom, as opposed to thinking not much of you, I''m all for it.

I tend to need breaks if I''m having an especially social time--when my friends and I would go on vacation, we''d rent a house for 4 or 5 days (usually up in Mont Tremblant, Quebec--I LOVE it up there!), and at least once or twice, I''d need to go for a walk by myself or have a long relaxing bubble bath--SOME sort of time to myself in order to chill and recharge. Too much socializing at once is not good for me. Makes me tetchy. So yeah, I know what you mean. Thanks for the encouragement, darlin'', and congrats again on your engagement!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/5/2008 10:55:09 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/4/2008 11:10:51 AM

Author: diamondfan

I know where you are coming from, but may I say, without diminishing your feelings (which are valid if you feel them but not necessarily correct if that makes sense) that you only ever seem competent, considerate, well spoken and lovely on PS? I cannot say anything about real life, but cannot imagine a whole lot of differences there. I know how easy it is to believe certain things about ourselves, we can construct it so differing things lend credence to that view, even if it is not wholly correct.




Just be you, and know that just because you think it does not make it so!

DITTO! Gwennie, I haven''t read the entire thread, but I think you are one of the loveliest, cheeriest, sunniest people I ''know''. I was so sad to see that you wrote this thread because honey, I just adore you. Honest.

Awww, Haven, you are the sweetest thing! Thank you! I adore you too.

Maybe it doesn''t make sense, but I think sometimes it''s my cheeriness that annoys people? It''s not like everything is always perfect in my world--my friends know I''ve had a hard time of it now and then, just like everyone does, but I think I sometimes get the feeling that it bothers them that I do tend to be cheery a lot of the time. I don''t think that makes sense, but sometimes that''s how it feels.

 

[gwendolyn]

Heehee, thank you, Skippy! I felt it was time for a change! I love you beautiful ring in your avatar, but I miss that gorgeous smile of yours, babe!

Date: 5/6/2008 8:04:39 AM
Author: Delster
Gwen I was just browsing here and wasn''t going to log in - it was meant to be a fly-by study break - but I had to reply. Your description of feeling the need to be alone, ignoring your phone sometimes, and your story about your friend K - it all hit home for me. It set off the waterworks here big time.

A very similar thingas your story about K actually happened to me. My friend (let''s call her F) actually went so far as to make an attempt on her own life and tell me to my face that she did it because I ''didn''t love her'' (that''s a verbatim quote). I went to a counsellor who advised me to cut off all contact, and I did. We were in the same class at uni, only about 14 students in it, and I went to the one other student (let''s call her B) that F was close with and told B I was having to pull back from F and could she please provide her with some support. I just told B it was cos of all the drama that had been building up, I didn''t give her any specifics. B was horrified and instantly took my side but in the end she did as I asked. By the end of the year B was the only person still talking to me, as F had told the other twelve all sorts of horrific things I had supposedly done. I have not had a close female friend since and I have wondered if I''ll ever trust other women IRL again. I have never been the same person since.

The feelings you''re describing about grad school are also so familiar to me. The year I did my professional degree I felt like such an outsider the entire time. I was the oldest girl in my group and the other girls were thinking about which shots to drink tomorrow night, or whether X in some other group was interested in them or not, and I was worrying about keeping my LDR going and discussing engagement and marriage with my BF! To make it worse I couldn''t afford to live in the city and was living at home (a two hour commute away), so I couldn''t socialise with the group. The entire social scene revolved around drinking and ''scoring'' - not my scene and not an option in any event!

I feel very exposed having written this now but I''ll be brave and hit submit and not go back and edit it! I wanted to add my voice to those saying this isn''t unusual, and that you''re not alone in feeling this way. Can I also add my voice to those saying that you are never irritating or irksome here on PS. I love reading your posts and I actually perk up a bit if I''m scanning a thread and I see your avatar. When you come to Dublin I''ll make sure to be there for those pints hon. Take care.


ETA: On another point have you looked into the theories around homesickness? I have vague recollections of studying this in my language & culture classes at uni - there are numerous stages and the worst one is actually when you return home and nothing seems the same as before you left. It popped into my head as I was reading your description of how disappointed you were in your friends when you were home last month. I don''t for one second mean to justify their behaviour, just offering some food for thought.

Wow, Delster, that''s weird. I had that same sort of thing happen to me AGES ago, with your friend who attempted suicide. This chick M was always a little zany but she was cool, and we were best friends in 9th and 10th grade. She dated this guy who then became my boyfriend (she started dating him when I liked him which was kind of rude but whatever). She was fine with it, or said she was. Anyway, in 10th grade she threw me a surprise party and everything was fine, and then she FLIPPED. We were in band together, so we had a bunch of the same friends, and she got really depressed because her brother was in some car accident and he was getting loads of attention (she said she hated him for it and wanted to get into an accident herself). She got out of control and wanted to talk to me ALL the time. Literally, hours and hours every day. If I ever did anything else or wasn''t home to answer her calls, she''d keep calling until I picked up (this was pre-cell phones mind, I''m old) and then she''d say, "I''m here in the bathroom with a razor to my wrists!" So I''d freak out and beg her not to. (We were only, what 15? 16?) Anyway, she was really controlling. She tried to spread rumours to my friends about what an awful person I was, but no one believed her (because I was a doormat and was too nice to everyone, they knew I couldn''t do the stuff she said). She wrote up a suicide note, blaming her brother and me for her death, but she never tried to kill herself. I told her parents about everything and they took her to a hospital. She never spoke to me again. After that, I became best friends with K.

About the homesickness, I think to a degree I do have at least some of that. Grad school has been a huge disappointment overall--not because of my classes or the people, because they really are great. But because this college where I am living (Homerton College, part of the University of Cambridge) SUCKS. Hugely. I mean, it was annoying first term when the food was barely edible and the building was practically falling apart even though it''s only a year old and the internet hardly ever worked and the library wouldn''t order any of the journals I needed for my paper. But last term, the electrician came in and cut up my $80 Apple power cord to put a UK plug on it, without my permission. He made threats against me, saying he''d take my computer for "who knows how long" if I didn''t let him do that, even though I didn''t understand what it was he wanted to do. After it was done and I was crying because I cry when I get angry and was really pissed off at him, he said, "What? I thought you spoke English" and talked to me like I was an idiot for not understanding his electrician-speak when I TOLD him I didn''t get what he was saying. He bullied me. He harassed me. And, overall, made me feel unsafe in my own room. I feel like I have no power to keep myself or my things free from harm here because the college will just do whatever it wants to anyway! So I complained about this guy. And the people I complained to were very sorry. They apologized, and offered to replace my power cord for me. Only STUPID trusting me didn''t get it in writing, and now they''re saying they never said that. So not only do I feel unsafe in my room, but the people who initially were sorry really don''t give a *$%£ about me or how I feel. They have no integrity. No honesty. They are just out to save a couple of bucks.

So, yeah. I think if I''d ended up anywhere else, I wouldn''t be feeling the way I do. But because I am at this hole of a college that lives only to screw its students (who pay VERY good money to be here!! What a waste) out of as much money as possible. And you know the worst part? I actually had to pay the college for that jerk to screw up my power cord. How unbelievably messed up is that?!

Sorry, I know this is completely tangential, but it''s probably the main reason I feel insecure about anything now. I have no foundation. Nothing to lean on here, except for J, who is trying to get us set up in another city that''s unfamiliar to him, so he''s not on the firmest ground either.

I can''t wait for July 14th so I can get the heck outta Dodge.

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/5/2008 4:19:47 PM
Author: gwendolyn


bee-superstar: Definitely! Uh, will you disown me forever if I tell you I don''t drink stout? Or...much beer at all?

Nope definitely not-I don''t drink it either!! I hate the stuff. Ok we''ll split a bottle of wine....or two

 

[bee*]

Date: 5/6/2008 8:04:39 AM
Author: Delster

The feelings you''re describing about grad school are also so familiar to me. The year I did my professional degree I felt like such an outsider the entire time. I was the oldest girl in my group and the other girls were thinking about which shots to drink tomorrow night, or whether X in some other group was interested in them or not, and I was worrying about keeping my LDR going and discussing engagement and marriage with my BF! To make it worse I couldn''t afford to live in the city and was living at home (a two hour commute away), so I couldn''t socialise with the group. The entire social scene revolved around drinking and ''scoring'' - not my scene and not an option in any event!

Oh gosh, I could have written most of this! Although I''m not the oldest, I think there''s 2 older than me in my years, it''s been so hard going back to college. I think I have gone on maybe 2 nights out the entire time I''ve been back and I''ve left early both nights. All the nights revolve around booze and scoring each other and I''m just not into that. Plus they all think that I''m ancient as I''m getting married. It can definitely be very isolating going back.

 

[gwendolyn]

I drink wine that tastes like grape juice! Maybe I''ll have some Kahlua & milks or Amaretto sours and you can sip on your bottle of wine?!

Date: 5/6/2008 9:06:43 AM
Author: bee*

Date: 5/6/2008 8:04:39 AM

Author: Delster


The feelings you''re describing about grad school are also so familiar to me. The year I did my professional degree I felt like such an outsider the entire time. I was the oldest girl in my group and the other girls were thinking about which shots to drink tomorrow night, or whether X in some other group was interested in them or not, and I was worrying about keeping my LDR going and discussing engagement and marriage with my BF! To make it worse I couldn''t afford to live in the city and was living at home (a two hour commute away), so I couldn''t socialise with the group. The entire social scene revolved around drinking and ''scoring'' - not my scene and not an option in any event!

Oh gosh, I could have written most of this! Although I''m not the oldest, I think there''s 2 older than me in my years, it''s been so hard going back to college. I think I have gone on maybe 2 nights out the entire time I''ve been back and I''ve left early both nights. All the nights revolve around booze and scoring each other and I''m just not into that. Plus they all think that I''m ancient as I''m getting married. It can definitely be very isolating going back.

Oh, that''s been a lot like me too, especially with the going out and leaving early!

I feel like such a tool, but honestly, people here either stay in the rooms ALL the time and do nothing but study, OR they go out ALL the time (literally 5 or 6 nights a week!) and spend £50 a night on booze and taxicabs! There''s no middle ground! So I went out to the pub a couple of times, didn''t drink anything (£8 for a mixed drink?! that''s like US$16!!

), and then left. Most of the time I stay in my room. If I''m not working, I''m on here chatting with folks, or talking to J on the phone. Occasionally my friends who don''t party will want to go out and do something, so we''ll go out to eat or something. But mostly I just exist in my tiny little crappy dorm room, cut off from the world. FUN. Hate grad school.

But it''s almost over!!!! And then I can get back to real life! Yay!

 

[Delster]

Too much stuff in common here with the going-back-to-uni experiences!

That bottle of wine (or two) is becoming more and more attractive! Hey Gwen, Ryanair flys out of Liverpool

 

[bee*]

Definitely lots in common with the back to uni experiences!! Ok, Delster and I can share the wine and you can have some Kahlua Gwendolyn!! I think half our year have scored each other at this stage which has led to a lot of awkwardness when they''ve broken up!

 

[Dreamgirl]

I tend to talk A LOT and sometimes cant seem to shut up about a specific topic. Im sure all of you have noticed that about me here even. lol!

Also, I get really excited about things sometimes. Every now and then I guess I annoy by boyfriend because he tells me not to talk so loud. But it annoys me when he tells me this. Then I usually say "Fine then, I wont talk at all!" lol. To which his reply goes "Oh here we go, I didn't say don't talk, I just said don't talk so loud" hehe! When I get excited, I talk louder, I can't help it. And I honestly don't even talk THAT loud. lol Nobody else ever tells me this by the way.

And Gwen, I think you are adorable and you never annoy me!

 

[Sparkalicious]

Hi Gwen -- A resounding "yes" ... I think that everyone annoys other people just by being themselves sometimes! I know that I certainly do or at least I think I do.

I know it doesn''t count for much since I''m just an anonymous person online but I think that you are fabulous and not at all annoying. AND ... on top of all this fabulousness ... I LOVE your new avatar pic. You look fantastic!

I haven''t had a chance to read through this whole thread but I wanted you to know how *I* felt about you.

I hope that you are feeling as good as you look!

 

[gwendolyn]

Delster, Liverpool will be MEGA-convenient (and cheap!) once I''m in Manchester!! WOOHOO!!! By then, you should have that gorgeous Leon on your finger and I will be able to oogle your ring and bee-supahstar''s! Win-win for me!!

Date: 5/6/2008 1:17:34 PM
Author: bee*
Definitely lots in common with the back to uni experiences!! Ok, Delster and I can share the wine and you can have some Kahlua Gwendolyn!! I think half our year have scored each other at this stage which has led to a lot of awkwardness when they''ve broken up!

Hey, I''ll drink wine--I just prefer the really awful, cheap stuff!

Also, about the hooking up thing--DUDE, there is nowhere NASTIER than my college. Seriously. There was some sort of poll done in the fall, and apparently my college came in first place for the sluttiest. No joke. Out of the thirty-one Cambridge colleges, MINE had to win for being the sluttiest! This article claims (NO idea where these numbers came from, they absolutely terrify me) that the average number of sexual partners here at my college in one year of school is seven. SEVEN.

In ONE YEAR!!

Obviously they didn''t ask me because mine is, uh, one, but what really frightens me is who''s throwing the numbers off in the other direction? Did people say, "Oh, forty-nine. No, sorry, forty-eight." ?!!?!?!!! Nasty nasty dirty icky place!!!

I''m just hoping that we''re the college that lies the most in polls, as opposed to having an average of seven sexual partners in one school year.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/6/2008 1:56:32 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I tend to talk A LOT and sometimes cant seem to shut up about a specific topic. Im sure all of you have noticed that about me here even. lol!


Also, I get really excited about things sometimes. Every now and then I guess I annoy by boyfriend because he tells me not to talk so loud. But it annoys me when he tells me this. Then I usually say ''Fine then, I wont talk at all!'' lol. To which his reply goes ''Oh here we go, I didn''t say don''t talk, I just said don''t talk so loud'' hehe! When I get excited, I talk louder, I can''t help it. And I honestly don''t even talk THAT loud. lol Nobody else ever tells me this by the way.

And Gwen, I think you are adorable and you never annoy me!

Haha, I talk really loudly when I get excited too! My best friend Brandon does the same thing (he''s been my best friend almost as long as K but he doesn''t suck like she does!)--we both get really loud an boisterous when we''re excited, and sometimes people get embarrassed by us, but we don''t care. I was really worried that J would feel that way since he''s soooo quiet but he doesn''t, strangely enough. He just shrugs it off. Maybe you should tell your guy to do the same--really, who cares if you''re a little loud if you''re having a good time?

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/6/2008 2:20:55 PM
Author: Sparkalicious
Hi Gwen -- A resounding ''yes'' ... I think that everyone annoys other people just by being themselves sometimes! I know that I certainly do or at least I think I do.


I know it doesn''t count for much since I''m just an anonymous person online but I think that you are fabulous and not at all annoying. AND ... on top of all this fabulousness ... I LOVE your new avatar pic. You look fantastic!


I haven''t had a chance to read through this whole thread but I wanted you to know how *I* felt about you.


I hope that you are feeling as good as you look!

Aww, thank you, I''m so glad you like my new pic! I got a new camera for my birthday and was feeling better after being sick for a while, so I decided to take a few pictures of myself just to get a hang of it (it''s a lot bigger than my old camera), and ended up with a couple of pictures that came out pretty well.

Thank you also for taking the time to post and say such sweet, thoughtful things. They really do help, even coming from an anonymous person on the internet.

It also helps to know I''m not the only one who feels this way, so thank you for that as well!