Do you or your SO have a temper?

[Porridge]

FI''s only drawback is his temper. He can flare up over nothing. Then a while later, he''s calmed down, and apologises for the flare up. His family are used to it, they seem to have a good way of just ignoring it until he''s calmed down. I haven''t perfected the technique yet

He''s not mean or abusive, it''s just a nuisance that every now and then you have to wait while he lets of steam before you can carry on with what you were doing/talking about! And it makes it that little bit more difficult to discuss things with him - it requires more planning and tact sometimes.

I''m also overly sensitive which is not helpful. I''m an only child, and I''ve seen how siblings can snap at each other, then carry on two seconds later as if nothing happened, which is totally normal I think. Where as I''d be left going "eh?? what did I do???".

This isn''t a huge problem, I knew it about him before we got together and as I said, he''s not mean or abusive towards me, it can just get in the way of what''s going on sometimes. He does realise his mistakes and always apologises for them. His mum says he was living alone for too long

(6 years). He is actually going to see a counselor to find techniques for preventing the flare ups. I''ll be willing to go along whenever of course to learn a few things myself.

So, do you or your SO have a tendency to flare up?

 

[Sabine]

I would say both my dh and I do at times. Sometimes I feel like I just need to yell about something, and when I''m annoyed, once I yell, I feel much better. I''m trying to learn to yell ABOUT things and not necessarily AT dh, but sometimes it''s hard.

Dh is a bit worse, whereas if he gets angry enough, and usually if I set him off by yelling about something little (like him not taking the garbage out), he''ll yell back, and then eventually slam things and walk out. The slamming things really bothers me sometimes, but we''ve learned some coping techniques, such as just saying, I want some time to cool down, and walking away calmly, etc. We''re always able to discuss what happened calmly and rationally after we''ve calmed down. It doesn''t really cause too many problems in our relationship, but every once in a while it will ruin a nice or romantic day/plan.

 

[Maisie]

My husband gets irritated really easily. He doesn''t lose his temper but he makes it known if he is getting irritated with something. I used to really hate it and we would end up arguing. Then I realised that I am never going to change him by having a go at him... so I started to just ignore him when he does it. Now it doesn''t get to me. And he seems to be irritated less. Not sure why but I am glad anyway!

 

[AdiS]

Porridge, my hubby sounds exactly like your FI. I, on the other hand, tend to sink into icy silence and DH jokes that the angrier I am, the calmer and quieter I become with the exception of a few shrewish remarks. This huge difference between our temperaments makes our quarrels either rather stormy (when he gets even more mad at my alleged indifference) or pretty much impossible (it''s hard to have a fight with one of the sides refusing to cooperate-he yells and I pretend not to hear him and it soon becomes comical

).

 

[Italiahaircolor]

My husband is extremely laid back. I think in the course of our relationship he''s yelled maybe 4 times. He''s just mellow by nature, things don''t easily work him up.

I, on the other hand, do have a typically Italian temper. While I don''t blow up often--when I do, it''s pretty bad...but, in my defense, I''m also not the type of person who is quick to anger...you have to push my buttons for a long time before you''d get a nasty reaction out of me.

 

[Tuckins1]

In general, no. Only lately has my hubby become a bit more volatile, but that''s because he has quit smoking. When I can see that he is in one of his "moods", I try to avoid speaking to him for a little bit, and he usually gets over it rather quickly. Other than that, he''s one of the calmest, sweetest people I know!

 

[meresal]

That would be me... FI is totally laid back, and when he gets mad, it actaully frightens me. I think he''s only done it once or twice since we''ve been together.

We are really good about talking things out, but I immediatly go to level 9 when I know he isn''t listening to a word I''m saying. All he''s focused on is what he''s going to say next, and it absolutely infuriates me.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/10/2009 9:47:54 AM
Author: meresal
That would be me... FI is totally laid back, and when he gets mad, it actaully frightens me. I think he''s only done it once or twice since we''ve been together.

We are really good about talking things out, but I immediatly go to level 9 when I know he isn''t listening to a word I''m saying. All he''s focused on is what he''s going to say next, and it absolutely infuriates me.

OMG Mere, seriously, that drives me bat-shiz crazy. I really lose my cool when FF starts doing that.

 

[E B]

Date: 4/10/2009 9:47:54 AM
Author: meresal
That would be me... FI is totally laid back, and when he gets mad, it actaully frightens me. I think he''s only done it once or twice since we''ve been together.

We are really good about talking things out, but I immediatly go to level 9 when I know he isn''t listening to a word I''m saying. All he''s focused on is what he''s going to say next, and it absolutely infuriates me.

Ha! This sounds just like my husband and me.

I don''t get *blow up* angry often, but it happens. When he gets angry, he just walks away and wants to be alone. Very rarely yells. He''s actually mellowed me out quite a bit since we''ve been together.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 4/10/2009 9:47:54 AM
Author: meresal
That would be me... FI is totally laid back, and when he gets mad, it actaully frightens me. I think he''s only done it once or twice since we''ve been together.


We are really good about talking things out, but I immediatly go to level 9 when I know he isn''t listening to a word I''m saying. All he''s focused on is what he''s going to say next, and it absolutely infuriates me.

Honey, I know exactly what you mean--J''s temper is the same, and although I''ve only seen it really bad twice, I really don''t like it at all. I''m trying to not react and just walk away, but it is soooooo hard.

 

[mochi]

When my hubby was younger, he use to have a temper, and I have seen it action, not too appealing. Now he''s more laid back and when he''s upset he just wants to talk about it...over and over and over, again and again. After 3 hours of this I can''t take it any longer. I, on the other hand do have a temper, but I will let the other person know that they are headed in a dangerous direction with me, if they do not heed my warning, I will than let them know what is bothering me about the situation and/or about them. Then I feel so much better, but I''m so sad for them!

 

[fieryred33143]

I have a really bad temper. I don''t flare up at any little thing though. It usually takes having to deal with people that just don''t get it for me to flare up.

Mr. Fiery is the most laid back person in the world. In 7 years I have only seen him get really, really mad once and it wasn''t pretty. Nothing gets him riled up. Even when he''s annoyed he''ll just go "ugh come on man" in a really low voice LOL.

 

[meresal]

Wow, It makes me feel alot better to know that I'm not alone. I'm starting to see a pattern

FI is 6'4, so when he gets mad, he deosn't get violent, but it's so loud and bellowing like a lion's roar. Scares the living sh** out of me. LOL. I could have been so mad before that, but after, I'm like a little kitten that burrows into a blanket. I feel sorry for our kids already.

 

[tlh]

No. I throw hissy fits. I used to have a BAD temper when I was a kid... but not so much anymore. But when I get REALLY angry, I walk away... and go to sleep. I figure no matter what my boiling point is, it isn''t worth saying something mean or hurtful to the ones I love... so I just sleep it off. Something about my racey dreams, always calms me!

 

[NuggetBrain]

My FI doesn''t anger easily, but when he does get angry he makes sure everybody knows it. I, on the other hand, get irritated fairly easily. Usually I just lapse into the silent treatment and he''s learned if he leaves me alone for an hour or two I''ll be fine.

One thing that does tick me off is that he likes to push my buttons and get me irritated and angry because "its just so easy".

 

[meresal]

Date: 4/10/2009 10:51:30 AM
Author: NuggetBrain
My FI doesn''t anger easily, but when he does get angry he makes sure everybody knows it. I, on the other hand, get irritated fairly easily. Usually I just lapse into the silent treatment and he''s learned if he leaves me alone for an hour or two I''ll be fine.

One thing that does tick me off is that he likes to push my buttons and get me irritated and angry because ''its just so easy''.

He does it on purpose?!?

 

[KimberlyH]

I have a fiery temper. I am not quick to anger, but when it happens I go off. DH is very calm (not laid-back, just more calm); I''ve seen him truly angry twice, both in relation to his mother who was in late stages of Alzheimer''s, it was an extrordinarily stressful situation and I''m suprised he didn''t more worked up more often. He pops off every once in a while, but it''s never directed at me.

 

[mrscushion]

I have a temper. I inherited it from my mom, who is wayyyy worse than I am, though, so I think my dad tempered (no pun intended) it a little in me. I flare up pretty quickly and calm down just as quickly. FI doesn't ever really flare up. We don't really fight very much, though and if we do, it's usually over soon as neither of us stays mad long.

 

[Bia]

I do. BUT it''s in my genetic make-up so it can''t be helped

AND I hold a grudge, which I am working on.

My FI is very calm and centered. He doesn''t get angry easily, BUT if you keep pressing the wrong buttons, LOOK OUT. It''s like the Incredible Hulk. Sometimes it''s scary...and sometimes it''s sexy

 

[Aloros]

FI and I both have tempers. FI gets set off by little things, and I do sometimes too, but I think it usually takes more to set me off. 99% of the time his temper isn''t directed at me, but I think I direct my temper at him more often than not. Thankfully my temper fizzes out really quickly and I apologize. We''re still adjusting to one another I think, and as time goes on we fight less and less. Aftermath doesn''t last long.

I find that humor can help diffuse the situation. I do impressions of his temper tantrums sometimes (usually when he''s trying to fix something or get something to work), which FI finds hilarious, and also helps him to see how ridiculous it is when he loses his temper over stupid stuff. Telling him to "calm down" helps, though when FI tells me to "calm down" that sets me off!

We talk openly about whether or not we''re getting irritated with the other person. Helps things not get out of hand.

 

[princesss]

Both of us have tempers, though they rarely ever are aimed at each other. In four years we''ve raised our voices in an argument once. But we both have a temper (often with a short fuse) with very specific situations. I get really mad when people don''t listen. Really mad. And coupled with an attitude....oh boy. Sets me off. I''ve learned to control it to a large degree, but there''s nothing like younger siblings to set it off. And know-it-all customer service reps at certain phone companies. Ooooh boy.

BF''s temper gets set off by traffic. He gets really angry and tense and flips out in the car. I''ve made him pull over once or twice and walk around a store. I pretend that I need/want something (a book, food, a bathroom, etc.) and then when he calms down because he''s not sitting in traffic, I explain that he was scaring me, that I didn''t like it, so I removed us from the situation. He''s never very happy, but since I only do it when I really worry that he''s either going to freak out, get out of his car, and try to hit somebody, he is pretty okay with it and apologizes for scaring me. It''s only happened a few times, but it''s scary when it happens.

 

[JSM]

My husband definitely has a temper! He''s a bit (ok, VERY) high strung. He rarely takes it out on me, though, and has learned to exit himself from the situation for a few minutes, and come back to it before he loses it.

Me... I''m the laid back one. If I get angry, he knows he''s done real, real bad. It freaks him out when I get mad!

 

[DivaDiamond007]

My DH is the laid back one and I''m the firecracker. DH rarely gets angry and lets everything just roll off his back whereas I''m sort of a drama queen and can sometimes make a big deal out of nothing - something that I''m trying to grow out of. I don''t get flaming mad that often, but I get annoyed all the time over little things. People talking in movies or a kid screaming at a restaurant - things like that. I''m much more likely than DH to take it up with the manager or whoever is in charge.

 

[TravelingGal]

TGuy: Quick to anger, slow to cool. The worst possible combination IMHO. It''s also because he sweats the small stuff. The big things he handles like a trooper.

Me: Slow to burn, quick to cool. I have been known to explode once that limit has been hit. But even while angry, I can ALWAYS get to a place where I see the other persons point and I can concede if I am wrong on something. TGuy is incapable of doing this while angry. So I''ve learned that I just need to walk away.

 

[BlueSki231]

no way - we''re both extremely laid back.

he gets kinda cranky, irritable, and impatient when he''s really hungry and needs to eat (and multiply that irritability by 100x if he''s hungry while we''re shopping

), but that''s the extent of it.

i don''t think I could stay with a guy with a temper for very long. it would be too off-putting I don''t think i''d tolerate it more than a month. deal breaker for me..

 

[Elmorton]

DH is very quick to anger, and - I love this when we''re in public - will mutter angrily to himself. He gets upset about really stupid stuff, and has definitely embarrassed the heck out of me because of it. I often have to remind him that we''re in public and people can see/hear him. He cools down really quickly though.

I''m a little more laid back, but when I snap, I snap, and it takes me awhile to get put back together.

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 4/10/2009 11:59:01 AM
Author: TravelingGal
TGuy: Quick to anger, slow to cool. The worst possible combination IMHO. It''s also because he sweats the small stuff. The big things he handles like a trooper.

Me: Slow to burn, quick to cool. I have been known to explode once that limit has been hit. But even while angry, I can ALWAYS get to a place where I see the other persons point and I can concede if I am wrong on something. TGuy is incapable of doing this while angry. So I''ve learned that I just need to walk away.

You just described my husband and me.

 

[NuggetBrain]

Date: 4/10/2009 11:07:24 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 4/10/2009 10:51:30 AM
Author: NuggetBrain
My FI doesn''t anger easily, but when he does get angry he makes sure everybody knows it. I, on the other hand, get irritated fairly easily. Usually I just lapse into the silent treatment and he''s learned if he leaves me alone for an hour or two I''ll be fine.

One thing that does tick me off is that he likes to push my buttons and get me irritated and angry because ''its just so easy''.

He does it on purpose?!?

His dad is the same way, he thinks its funny to watch people get mad over what he thinks are stupid things. It''s something that he really needs to work on. That and calling me crazy. Sometimes when I get mad or flip out (and granted, sometimes its at really stupid stuff) he''s like "Okay, crazy" under his breath. And it pisses me off SO BAD!! I keep telling him he''s invalidating my anger or irritation over the issue by saying I''m just acting crazy.

 

[Lauren8211]

FF and I don''t really have tempers. Things get heated for a minute or two, and then we both realize we''re fighting over something stupid and calm down quickly.

Our biggest argument problem is that I always think people are condescending... and sense it even when it''s not really there. FFs problem is that he has a tendency to BE condescending during arguments.

As you can imagine, that causes problems big time. But, fortunately, we''re both aware of our faults, and when it escalates to his being sarcastic and condescending, and me just yelling at back at him, not hearing anything he says, we just go "Oh... ok... this is out of control, we''re both being buttholes."

Then we give each other 5, and discuss it rationally.

 

[elrohwen]

Luckily, neither of us do. I'm fairly sensitive (only child and all) and I don't think I could handle being yelled at. As it is, I'll say someone "yelled" at me and just mean they spoke disapprovingly, not that they raised their voice. FI is very easy going and almost never gets upset about things, and I love that about him.

When I'm upset about something I can be a little snappy I suppose, but I don't loose my temper and start yelling or anything. In fact, if I'm really angry, I usually end up crying out of frustration.

ETA: I totally hear all of you who get frustrated when you're not listened to. FI listens to me when I need him to, but my boss doesn't listen to anybody! It makes me so frustrated. Especially now that he's been told he doesn't listen, so he'll say "I hear what you're saying" and then continue to ignore and invalidate you

Worst communication skills ever.