Do you plan on taking his name?

[bobbin]

I find this interesting and aliciagirl''s post in how did you become a LIW made me think about it again.

So... will you take his name when you get married?

I actually found it quite odd to find that I did actually want to take his name. I have always been very feminist and independent- I know I do not want my father to walk me down the aisle because that implies ownership and that he is ''giving away'' that ownership to my partner, thus implying my partner then owns me... However, I love the idea of being a family and having people identify us as a family. I love the idea of being the next Mrs... and I would like to have the same name as my children. It is also interesting that I feel this way seeing as my mother did not take my father''s last name when they were married, and my middle name is the same as her last. Her father insists on calling her by my dad''s last name though.

Sometimes I think that I am rebelling against my parents by taking a more traditional route- marriage reasonably early, then babies and maybe even being a housewife for a while!

What are your thoughts on this topic?

 

[OMG]

I am 100% taking his name, firstly because I love the tradition and secondly I need a change haha. in all seroiusness, I agree with you bobbin, its also the idea of being identified as a family. I wouldnt want to be the only one in my household that doesnt have my husbands name.. (my children would of course). Also, I just think its special to take on a name, his family is so wonderful and I am happy they want me to be a part of it

I cant wait!

 

[gwendolyn]

I am going to take his name. If my current last name was not so long and Polish, I would make it my new middle name, but there's no way it would work. Since I don't want to give up all ties to my family name, I am going to change my name to my late grandmother's maiden name. She and I were very good friends and she's been gone almost a year now and I still miss her very much. I thought that would be a nice way of keeping my ties to my family, honouring her, but still becoming a family unit (in name--not saying those with different surnames aren't family units too!) with J.

 

[StarvingMusician]

I'm keeping my last name. I know that this isn't the case, but for my little feminist mind, I just can't get over changing my name from what it was for 23 years. Try as I might, it still feels like he owns me. Thankfully, when I talked to boyfriend about this, he was surprised that I even had thought about changing my last name. He just assumed that I would keep mine, so no pressure. When we have children, we'll hyphenate their last names, because niether of us have hard last names, although they are both unique, and they sound fine hyphenated. That way they have something from both families.

 

[Lauren8211]

I''m definitely taking his name. Mostly because I HATE my last name. LOL.

No but really, I guess I''m more traditional than I thought, because i love the idea of taking his name. I think he''d feel disappointed if I didnt, also.

 

[claireabelle]

I will definitely change my name. I''m up for a change!! And I want to create a feeling of complete unity with the family.
Just my preference... I am quite traditional, I guess.

I have a little brother to carry on the name...

 

[Deelight]

I have no brothers to carry our family name on and since my family immigrated to Australia in the 70''s I would hate to think that our family name would die out here with me and my sister

. So I am hyphenating and our kids will have hyphenated names as well

 

[Izzy03]

I am Hispanic but I do not have strong features so most people only know me as being Hispanic once they see my last name. For this reason I wanted to hyphenate, but when I told FF my plan to hyphenate he was a little hurt.

So in the end, I am going to take his take HIS last name because me having his name means more to him than hyphenating ever meant to me.

 

[ahappygirl]

Izzy - I have to say your explanation for why you are taking his last name sounds like you are going to be a super partner in life! I totally agree about respecting your FI feelings / vice versa when one of you feels much stronger about something than the other does.

I am married and dropped my middle name, made my original last name my middle name, and took his last name as mine, but no hypen. I have friends who have done this as well and ended up giving their kids her original last name as their middle name as well. Also, there''s no reason you can''t have 4 names, or like my husband just first/ last - no middle. The kicker in our case is our last name is completely made up from when my FIL immigrated to the US, difficult, and I''m not particularly fond of it. BUT, I am fond of DH! *Smile* And I wanted OUR family to share the same name. Plus we both work in areas where we have seen a lot of confusion with hypenated names, particularly for kids. But you have to do what''s right for you and the family you are creating!!

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

Totally agree with the majority! I will be honored to take his name. I''m all about tradition!

~Sarah

 

[fieryred33143]

My FF is very laid back. Whatever I say goes...vacations, where we eat, what we watch on TV...he''s happy with whatever. But when he does give an opinoin on something, I always go with what he wants because he very seldom complains. Taking his last name is one of those things. I wanted to keep my father''s last name because he passed away years ago. As soon as I told my FF this, he snapped back. He told me its my brother''s job to carry on my father''s last name and he wants me to have his. So if its that important to him, I will take it.

 

[anniee19]

I will definitly take his name... I just love the tradition like others said! But at the same time it also mades me a wee bit sad, going from a very unusual French last name, to really common last name. Then again- I won''t have to spell it out every time somebody asks what my last name is, or correct them when they pronounce it wrong, because everybody always does!

 

[aliciagirl]

I''ve legally wanted to change my last name all of my life. I have my father''s last name. I don''t know my father or anyone from his side of the family, so it feels weird. I have absolutely no connection at all to my last name, so I will definitely be taking his.

Had I grown up with my mother''s maiden name, I definitely wouldn''t change it. But at this point, it feels kind of random to take her name and not my SOs.

 

[KCCutie]

Oh yeah, I''m taking his last name, gladly!

Seriously for a while I thought I''d want to keep my last name b/c well I''ve had it for over 30 years and it''s just a part of me. The more I think about it though I really want to have the family unity that having one name will give us. If my name weren''t Italian and very odd I would use it as my middle, but I think that would just be too odd. I do like Gwen''s idea of changing my middle name to another family name so that''s something to think about, but int he end I probably will end up going the traditional route.

 

[sklingem]

Maybe I am ignorant about American laws - but what would prevent the husband from taking his wife''s last name "for the sake of family unity" ??? Sorry, but if both have a choice then the family unity argument for choosing HIS last name is bogus. If you hate your last name or want to follow traditions - that makes a lot more sense.

 

[Pandora II]

I''m 100% changing mine.

I''ll go from a 13 letter hyphenated surname that is EXTREMELY uncommon and is only used by my family since about 12 generations ago to a nice short 5 letter name. Finally, I will be a little more anonymous, stop having to spell it out all the time and be able to fit my name on forms.

I will keep my own name for politics because it is basically my brand, but everything else will be in his.

FI was quite keen to hyphenate his last name with the second part of my name, but it would mean a lot of hassle with Deed Polls etc and to be honest I don''t want to saddle my kids with a hyphenated surname - it carries a lot of conotations in the UK and I really got fed up with it at times.

The thing that really does bother me is my brother''s FI having MY surname - I particularly dislike the girl and for some reason it irritates me. Is that really stupid?

 

[Deelight]

Pandora I am curious what the connotations of a hyphenated surname are?

I don''t think it is silly you don''t want your brother''s FI to take the family name. Your surname is in someways a reflection of who your family are if someone does something to sully that name all the people who share it get tarred by the same brush to a degree.

 

[ladypirate]

I am really torn on this--I have a very Irish last name and in a way I feel like taking his (very Italian) last name is sort of giving up my heritage. I think what I'll end up doing is moving my last name to my middle (or possible a second middle) and taking his name, then giving my last name as a middle name to one of our kids. Kris has his mother's maiden name as his middle, so we'll probably pass that down as well.

I thought about using my maiden name professionally and married name socially, but to my surprise, Kris was really against it. He said he'd rather not have me change my name at all than be "dishonest" by only using his sometimes.

Boys.

In any case, I definitely want to have the same last name, for many of the reasons stated above. My feminist sensibilities just keep getting in the way.

It's funny, actually--I don't mind it on the one hand, but there's a little voice in the back of my head that is kind of mad that he doesn't even have to worry about it.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 6/4/2008 9:35:31 AM
Author: anniee19
I will definitly take his name... I just love the tradition like others said! But at the same time it also mades me a wee bit sad, going from a very unusual French last name, to really common last name. Then again- I won't have to spell it out every time somebody asks what my last name is, or correct them when they pronounce it wrong, because everybody always does!

I'm with anniee! My name is a St. Something, and super french, therefore always butchered and/or misspelled. Everyone always says, wow, that's a cool last name. I think so too, but luckily FF's name is also french and butchered often! However his is much easier to spell and enter into computers. Me to salesguys: try StSomething, St-Something, St. Something, St.Something, Saint Something, etc. A pain in my arse sometimes!!

 

[absolut_blonde]

I'm excited to take his name! He's got a short but unique last name, I like it.

When I was younger, before I met SO, I thought I'd hyphenate or perhaps keep my own. I've since decided against that though, hyphenating strikes me as a bit of a pain (just personally). And I'm no longer going to law school, which was one of the factors that had me thinking I might just keep my own as is.

But now, I really look forward to taking SO's name. I like that we'll become our own little family when we get married. Having the same last name as our children is important, too. Basically, I can't wait to be 'Mrs. X'


As for the possibility of him taking MY name, well... wouldn't happen. I might get flamed for this, but I think he'd feel quite emasculated and he would never do it. He's also from a relatively small town, where such a thing is unheard of and frankly, he wouldn't live it down. Since it's not something I am want anyway, he comments/annoyance wouldn't be worth it to us.

Also, we are a little old-fashioned about certain gender roles in our relationship (by choice, of course) -- I want him to propose, he wants me to take his name, and I want to stay home with our kids if money allows. Those are things we've consciously agreed on together and they work for us.


Of course, that is NOT to say there's anything wrong with the man taking the woman's name in principle. I've also heard of couples taking a new last name together so they both change their names, etc. If that's the route a couple chooses and it works for them, that's great. I just wanted to shed some light on why we'll be sticking with the traditional route.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 6/4/2008 11:05:06 AM
Author: Deelight
Pandora I am curious what the connotations of a hyphenated surname are?

I don't think it is silly you don't want your brother's FI to take the family name. Your surname is in someways a reflection of who your family are if someone does something to sully that name all the people who share it get tarred by the same brush to a degree.

I had no problems at all in the UK when I attended a top private school, but when I then went on to a state grammar school, it was assumed that I had a lot of money and was some kind of aristocrat.

I do speak with what would be described as a 'cut-glass' or posh accent, but I was very, very far from rich and although I come from an 'old family' which did have a fair number of titles and public figures, I'm not an aristocrat by any stretch of the imagination - my parents are doctors.

My parents felt I shouldn't have any more money than the minimum and my pocket money at school was $40 a term, so hardly riches. At university I got the same as the grant that people whose parents had no money got and anything extra I wanted I had to earn myself in the holidays.

I hated that people made assumptions about me before they had even met me and assumed that I was a complete snob. I spent years trying to cover my accent up, although I refused to change my surname.

When I moved to Italy, I found it much easier, and when I moved back to the UK I decided that my name, background and accent were what they were and I wasn't going to try and cover them up anymore.

However, we live in a very poor area of London and probably won't be able to afford private schools for our future children unless they get scholarships (a good private school in the UK can cost nearly $60k a year per child). I would hate them to be teased in the way I was so we're opting out of the hyphens.

That said, hyphenated surnames are becoming more common now due to the number of unmarried parents and divorces etc


Thanks for making me feel better re my FSIL.

 

[Erin]

I will take his name. I am nostalgic for traditions.

Wanted to tell you a story about, oh, let''s call them John Lawrence and Jane Erwin. They never got married but had three boys. Sometimes they were committed and other times temporarily broken up. In the end, they decided not to be together. Their children''s names are, depending on their circumstance at the time are:

Timmy Lawrence
Tommy Lawrence-Erwin
Tummy Erwin-Lawrence


All three brothers by the same two parents. Ridic...

 

[Pushin40]

I will PROUDLY take his last name.... and I can''t wait!
I guess Im pretty traditional like that!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Yes, I will definitely take his name mostly based on tradition and I love him so much, Id like to have his name. I would love to call myself Mrs...
Our last names have the same amount of letters in them too. So it wouldn''t be too much of a change anyways.

 

[LuvinMyLife86]

I will absolutely take his last name, I hadn''t even thought twice about it.

Not only do I agree with what others have said about tradition and unity, but my current last name means nothing to me at this point. My mom divorced my father 12 years ago, he was dangerous and had other psychological issues so I haven''t had any contact with him or his family that enabled him. He has recently passed away and my last name just reminds me of all of this. My mom is remarried and took her husbands name so me and my sister are the only ones left with our fathers last name. So yes, I am gladly anticipating the day that I can change my name to FFs.

 

[Bia]

Date: 6/4/2008 9:29:27 AM
Author: fieryred33143
My FF is very laid back. Whatever I say goes...vacations, where we eat, what we watch on TV...he's happy with whatever. But when he does give an opinoin on something, I always go with what he wants because he very seldom complains. Taking his last name is one of those things. I wanted to keep my father's last name because he passed away years ago. As soon as I told my FF this, he snapped back. He told me its my brother's job to carry on my father's last name and he wants me to have his. So if its that important to him, I will take it.

My BF is also extremely laid back when it comes to most things. When I mentioned that I might want to hyphenate or change my middle name to my last name, he was very upset. Although, in my culture it is customary for women to take their husband's name and then hyphenate it with their maiden name--so people will know which family you come from. I wasn't thinking about it in terms of culture but more so the idea of losing my name, a name which is my identity! I would miss having my family surname.

But, you pick and choose which battles are important and this is something that means a lot to him...so I will go with the flow and take his name. Coincidentally, my name goes perfectly with his! I also love the idea of sharing a family name with him and our future babies!

Fieryred: My BF also pulled the "Your-brother-can-carry-on-your-family-name" card!!!...lol little bugger!

 

[musey]

Date: 6/4/2008 6:51:02 AM
Author:bobbin

I know I do not want my father to walk me down the aisle because that implies ownership and that he is 'giving away' that ownership to my partner, thus implying my partner then owns me... However, I love the idea of being a family and having people identify us as a family.

I'm not a LIW, so pardon the intrusion--but I just wanted to point out that not everyone thinks of it this way. Yes, that's where the tradition began, but most don't really think of it that way anymore.

I, for one, think of it in the context of your next sentence. A symbol of where you came from, and where you're going. Your family began with your parents, and now you're moving into a new definition of family... The walk down the aisle can be symbolic of that. In that context, it's sort of a beautiful thing.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that it doesn't necessarily have to be viewed as a transfer of ownership, because I certainly don't think that the majority of brides who choose to follow that tradition view it that way.

 

[Octavia]

I''m not a LIW anymore either, but I do think it''s interesting that almost everyone here plans to change their name. I guess I''m one of the only ones on the other side; I''ve never, ever wanted to change mine and although I''m allowing for the possibility that I''ll feel differently after we''re married, I highly doubt that''ll happen.

It''s funny, I think I tend to de-contextualize and individualize names rather than consider them as family-related. That might sound weird, but it honestly surprises me when people hear my name and ask me if I''m related to myUncle Mylastname or the random people in Pittsburgh with the same name (they might be very distant relatives but I don''t know them). I know that tracking lineage was an important original purpose of last names, but in my mind it just doesn''t work that way and my name is very much "me." I can''t bear the thought of amputating it (I know that sounds awful, but it truly feels like a physical thing to me).

Also, to me, being a "Mrs." =

I strongly dislike that word.

My first name sounds pretty terrible with FI''s last name, too. If I really wanted to change my name, that probably wouldn''t deter me, but since I don''t want to change, I think the sound of them together bothers me that much more. It''s a beautiful name for him, not so much for me.

There are many, many other reasons that play into my decision, and my poor FI is disappointed that I''m not ready, willing, and eager to change. But he won''t be as unhappy if I don''t change as I will be if I do. I''m usually a very "go with the flow" kind of person, but for some reason marriage traditions get me all riled up. I do want to be walked down the aisle, but I think I''m going to have both of my parents walk with me (I think this is common in Jewish weddings but most people I know will think it pretty odd) and I''m going to stop with them at their seats, kiss them, and continue on to my FI at the front on my own. It''s symbolic of my journey with my parents, but also signifies that I''m a grown woman capable of making my own choices and decisions.

And that''s why I say, to each her own. We should all be able to have choices and make decisions based on what''s best for ourselves

 

[kittybean]

I am so torn on this. On one hand, I have always struggled with my long, difficult, unpronounceable Eastern European last name. For years I wanted to change it to something simpler and shorter so people might occasionally say my name right.

Now, with the possibility of a name change to a simple, common Irish name looming on the horizon, I suddenly want to keep my name. I''ve realized I like being unique, un-anonymous, and easily culturally identifiable. Although I was born in the U.S., my family still speaks our native language and is very connected with our cultural heritage. I feel like changing my name is giving up an important piece of that heritage and identity.

My BF has told me he would be disappointed if I didn''t change my name, but that I should make the decision completely for myself. He also said that if it would make me unhappy to change my name, he would rather I didn''t. I have no idea what I''m going to do. I love the idea of a family identity and don''t want to burden my kids with a hyphenated or impossible last name, but I hate the idea of losing such an important part of my identity.

No idea what I''ll end up doing--we''ll see what happens.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 6/4/2008 1:51:17 PM
Author: musey

Date: 6/4/2008 6:51:02 AM

Author:bobbin


I know I do not want my father to walk me down the aisle because that implies ownership and that he is ''giving away'' that ownership to my partner, thus implying my partner then owns me... However, I love the idea of being a family and having people identify us as a family.

I''m not a LIW, so pardon the intrusion--but I just wanted to point out that not everyone thinks of it this way. Yes, that''s where the tradition began, but most don''t really think of it that way anymore.


I, for one, think of it in the context of your next sentence. A symbol of where you came from, and where you''re going. Your family began with your parents, and now you''re moving into a new definition of family... The walk down the aisle can be symbolic of that. In that context, it''s sort of a beautiful thing.


Anyway, I just wanted to point out that it doesn''t necessarily have to be viewed as a transfer of ownership, because I certainly don''t think that the majority of brides who choose to follow that tradition view it that way.

A different perspective on the walking down the aisle tradition: in my culture, the bride and groom walk down the aisle together as a symbol of beginning their married life on equal footing from the outset. It''s a beautiful tradition, and I really hope to incorporate it in my wedding.