Don''t know what you''ve got til it''s gone

[Erin]

So Todd and I had been dating for over a year and I broke it off, again, sort of.

He had only been divorced six months when he asked me out on his first date. His father was sick with cancer and he had two small boys to take care of.
Fast forward a year and I''d never met the children, he hadn''t said I love you, and I felt like his party fun time good mood girl. When he was alone he''d wallow in his own self pity for having lost both parents, for being a failure at marriage, and unwilling to take the next steps in our relationship.

So finally at Easter when once again I was not invited to be part of his life as long as his children were involved, I ended it. Problem is we are truely best friends and are opposite enough to help each other with our weaknesses. Plus he''s my golf coach and Dah Dah Dah - we work together.

So a while back I told him I was going to try the internet dating lifestyle and he had minimum response. So when I went on my first date last weekend he freaked out. I wasn''t answering his texts and his mind went into panic mode. When I finally called him back Sunday he dropped the bomb on me.

I realize I''ve been taking this relationship for granted. I realize now that I love you I love you I love you and I''ll never find a woman like you. It''s true, you don''t know what you have until you''ve lost it and now I am foolishly aware that you are the one I want for life. These are the steps I''m going to take in order for us to move forward. Just say you''re ready to take that leap with me.

Problem is, my date last weekend was fantastic!!! I know every one seems perfect on the first date, but this is a WOW guy! He''s my age never married, no children, highly educated, business owner, wants kids now, kisses very well, and thinks it''s amazing that he could possibly meet a gal like me.

I guess if Todd had come to his senses a while back it might have been exactly what I wanted to hear. But the fact I''m not ''Oh I''ve waited so long to hear you say those words'' he feels like I''m tossing him out like an old pair of shoes.

How do I explain to him that I HAVE to see what the possibilities are with this other guy? Does this mean I never loved Todd enough in the first place? DID I toss him aside like old shoes? Todd''s response feels like a knee jerk reaction and I told him so. But of course he swears it''s not.

 

[gwendolyn]

Ooh, that''s a hard situation, but I think you''ve got your head on straight. He didn''t really care until you went on a date? Maybe it did make him re-evaluate your past relationship, but sometimes it really *is* too late. And if this guy seems great, maybe that''s because you aren''t being taken for granted like it sounds like you have been for the past year and a half. That''s a LONG time to never meet his kids, and for him to never say he loves you. I think you should keep doing what you''re doing, babe, and see where things with this new guy lead.

 

[surfgirl]

Honey, first of all DO NOT LET THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO KNOW THIS NEW MAN SLIP BY YOU! I predict that Todd is panicking and while I''m sure you ARE a catch and that Todd SHOULD have already realized that, he didn''t. Until you went out with another guy. Too little too late, in my book. If I were you, I would tell Todd that his sentiment is wonderful but you waited and waited and only when he saw you were actually moving on, did he finally act. You dont want to be with him because he panicked. YOU have to know that you''re not in it because he panicked, and for that reason, you want to maintain this "break" until you sort out how you really feel. It''s the truth and really, I think that if you went back to him now, at the first sign of things not going well, you''d always go back in your mind, wondering if that new guy couldn''t have really been a better match for you. I say go out with the new dude. Explore the potential there. If Todd really loves you like he claims to, he''ll realize that he''s in this situation because of his own doings and he''ll give you the space to realize if he''s still the one for you or not. HAVE FUN! And good for you for stepping out and realizing that there ARE other fish in the proverbial sea!

 

[Dreamgirl]

That is rough. But from what you say, it sounds to me like he is just telling you this because you went on a date with another guy. Sounds like he was taking advantage of you.

If you like the other guy a lot, I say give it a chance with him. I would tell Todd that you have given him all the time in the world, and he would never devote himself to you. He only frantically tells you now that he loves you? He might just be pulling your chain to keep you around and take advantage of some more. Tell him to give you some time to figure things out. This way you can try things out with this other guy, and maybe then it will all come to you whether you should move on, or go back to him.

Good luck with everything

 

[FrekeChild]

Too little too late, and everything else that surfgirl said.

 

[decodelighted]

Keep dating the new guy for as long as you want to. Maybe he'll be a good fit, maybe he won't. You already *know* what dating Todd is like. Compare. It's your RIGHT! You're SINGLE! You have to have your OWN best interests at heart because BELIEVE ME everyone else is looking out for themselves (Hello TODD!)

I think things will take their course naturally. You'll *know* whether the new guy is right, whether there are things about Todd you miss more, or if you *don't* really miss Todd & want someone else entirely.

Todd's reaction is TYPICAL ... doesn't mean he doesn't really believe it himself ... just that it cannot be counted on as 100% legit or lasting. You KNOW its knee-jerk. You KNOW he's had a year to figure this out. Never said "I love you"??? C'MON! He has kept you waiting & made you uncomfortable -- sadly, its his turn. Not out of revenge ... but out of SELF-PRESERVATION & SELF-RESPECT!!!!!!!! If he really loves you - he'll respect you enough to wait it out. You're not a trained seal who is gonna jump through hoops the minute he calls your name! GEEZ!

On the realz: be glad you've never met those kids. Seriously. For their sake, in case you DO ride off into the sunset with someone else. That's heartbreak spared FOR THEM.



ETA: Oh, and a week ago ... WHO was the neglected, overlooked, hidden in the back of the closet away from the kids "old pair of shoes" then? Yup.

 

[bee*]

I agree with everyone else. Keep dating the new guy, see where it goes. As for Todd, it seems to be a little too late.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I agree - give this new guy a chance. Todd seems like he has way too much baggage and is way too much work

 

[ladypirate]

Just wanted to throw out a ditto--there''s no harm in seeing where this goes with the new guy and even if it doesn''t work out, at least you''ll know what else is out there. Also, it''ll be nice to go out with someone who appreciates what a catch you are!

 

[purrfectpear]

I''d say that since you were comfortable kissing the new guy, that you have moved on in your heart. Nuttin'' wrong with that. See where it goes.

 

[lliang_chi]

Right on with all the ladies here. But also, tell Todd that he needs to respect you and give you space. He might start hanging around and trying to get back with you. It''ll definitely make things weird.

 

[choro72]

You sound like a smart, clear thinking woman (as usual). I think you know what to do...

 

[fluffynurse]

another props to continue seeing the new guy...

 

[Allison D.]

I''d continue to date the new guy.

You already know this in your heart, SP. You acknowledged it yourself: if he''d have said this earlier, it would have been all you hoped to hear, but now, it''s not because you''ve already moved on emotionally. That doesn''t mean you never loved Todd enough to begin with....maybe you did, maybe you didn''t.

What it does mean is this: you''ve been through this before, and you''re smart enough to know that you want to be with someone whose THRILLED to be with you. Not someone undecided, and not someone complacent. You want someone who knows you''re the one he wants.

Gently tell Todd that his timing just isn''t right for you right now. If it''s meant for you two to be together, that''s what will eventually happen, but you need to follow the path you think is right for you right now.

 

[dogmama]

I think he thought you were going to talk the talk but not walk the walk, if you catch my drift. Then he saw that you were really going for it so he freaked. It shouldn''t have to take someone actually doing something to get him to realize you''re special.

Stick with the new guy, enjoy this time and tell Todd that it''s just not the right time. And no, he''s not a dirty sock. He''s just the sock that let his mate get away.

 

[diamondfan]

Your title says it all.

What if you stay with him, marry him, and he thinks maybe the grass is greener elsewhere? Then realizes no, and wants to come back?

I am not saying kill the guy, but he had all the chances in the world. There ARE other viable men out there.

And PS, I think someone absolutely CAN be terrible on the first date. So the fact that you got through it and liked the guy is great. I would not say that you never cared for Todd if you like this guy. But it is nice to know there are other great guys out there.

 

[Sparkalicious]

SP - I''m always impressed by the clarity of your thoughts and logic involved in your thought process. You are fortunate to have the benefit of such rational thought.

Given what you have posted, I hazard a guess to say that you know what is right. It is cruddy that Todd had to pull something like this, however, being human, we''ve all been guilty of such selfishness at one time or another. Try not to hold it against him even though you gave him ample time to get his stuff together and choose you.

The new guy sounds great and that is exciting!!! As everyone else has stated - don''t block your blessings - give the new guy a shot and have fun !! but, in this same vein, don''t burn any bridges.

Sometimes it takes great adversity, such as you moving on, for people, Todd, for example, to embrace change and push past their own fear to become a better version of themselves. If you have dated this new guy for a little bit and notice that he isn''t "it" and that your heart keeps pointing back in Todd''s direction, do what feels right. If the new guy is what you have been waiting for ... it''s not even a question, regardless of whatever epiphany Todd has experienced or not, it is immaterial to you. He had his chance, blew it and now it is your turn to take a chance and to do something that will nourish your soul and make you happy.

I''m excited for you! While it is an uncomfortable or even unpleasant predicament to be in ... there is so much potential for great things to happen because you are not limiting yourself. It''s hard to meet good people and you''ve already had a great first date with one! Woohoo!

 

[TravelingGal]

No! This is cruel! How could you do this to poor Todd? Think of his feelings! He only has his two kids and he NEEDS you for some good ole finger smackin'' lovin! You''re treating him WORSE than an old pair of shoes...you''re treating him like stinky sock lint.

OK, I just wanted to say something different from everyone else just for grins. Seriously...c''mon woman...you have to ask? He''s had a whole year to figure things out...he''s a RE-TODD...ya snooze, ya lose.

Separate "love" from rational thinking...you gotta give this new guy a chance...if only to see if he''s a dud.

 

[Erin]

You gals are awesome.
My IRL friends call me smart in the head - dumb in the heart. I''m usually so giving and accepting of mistakes that I''m willing to accept scraps and show those scraps off to my friends with glee - look what he did for me! All the while failing to see the forest from the trees.

This morning I got a text from the new guy "Good morning to the incredibly wonderful woman that I am so lucky to have met! Have a great day!"

I''m beside myself with anticipation. We live three hours away so it''s gonna be harder to get to know him. But I feel like, even though it was one weekend, I''m being ''first'' in someone''s life. And we have those inexplicable freak similarities that make you go hmmmmm.

I sincerely believe that Todd and I needed each other during a point in our lives. I showed him what strong communication is supposed to be like in a relationship and was there for him during the death of his father. I needed to build my self esteem back up and get active after feeling sorry for myself after my five year breakup. I know I''ll always look back and be thankful that we had each other during those hard times and we both emerged better and stronger for it. Maybe we confused gratitude and care for love.

In any event, I just got off the phone with Todd and we have come to a very happy, agreeable ending. He thinks this is probably the kick in the *ss he''s need in order to move forward in other areas of his life. Hurt as it may, we will strive to remain friends, good friends. I like that.

Sometimes a person, me, needs comments like yours to see the forest from the trees. Although it may have seemed like a clear answer to all of you, I''m thankful that you took the time to think about my situation and share your thoughts.

Here''s to a new chapter!

 

[janinegirly]

Hi starset--sounds like you''ve been very sensible about this and got it all figured out (plus some great feedback from the other ladies).

And do I see a pattern here--break up followed by you finding some new found independence/self discovery, followed by the man you were dating coming back begging for you to return but it''s too late? You''re a real heartbreaker

The only question I would add is if you''d see Todd the same way if this fantastic date didn''t happen. Meaning is this about you and not seeing something compatible long term with Todd (which is very strong of you to realize!) or is it more due to an adrenaline rush from a great first date that''s making him seem not so fabulous. I agree you gotta follow your gut/heart though, and see where it leads!

Keep us posted either way, I can''t wait to hear about date# 2!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Cheers to a new chapter!

I''ve mentioned before that when I walked away from my relatoinship I joined a support group of women who were on the fence about leaving their boyfriends because of lack of commitment. One very prevalent thing I noticed was how much happier the women who decided to truly move on with their lives became. The first few months were hard, but those who were committed to being healthy and positive couldn''t believe how much their lives had changed for the better within 6 months. I really believe that when you have a positive attitude and make things happen for yourself, good things will follow. It doesn''t surprise me that you''ve met a great new guy and that the ex realized that he made a mistake.

I don''t know about remaining good friends with the ex (might still be too fresh?), but if you feel that it can work and you''re both happy with that, then it''s great! And congrats on putting yourself in a position where you could meet New Guy. He sounds like a keeper and better yet, it sounds like he knows YOU are a keeper!

 

[ringless]

An ex boyfriend once told me (and hurt me by saying this) "You cant miss something if it wont go away" and it has stuck with me forever... he misses you and you know, guys always want what they can''t have and vise versa. Don''t let getting to know this new guy pass you up! This guy seems like a good catch and it would be a shame to go back to the other guy and have him pull the same games, and then you''ll regret not getting to know the new guy! Best of luck!

 

[Delster]

Starset you are an inspiration! Here''s to new beginnings and a boundless horizon!

 

[dragonfly411]

I agree with ringless - they want what they can''t have. And he didn''t miss you till you were ready to go. Get to know this new guy, he sounds wonderful! I''m glad that you and the other guy were able to reach a happy resolution, and can maybe save the friendship end of this.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Your situation with this new guy sounds almost identical to mine. I had been seeing this guy on and off who, it turned out, was seeing his ex as well. When she gave up for good on him, he came back to me with the same "I made a mistake". I didn''t go back and instead went online where I met a guy, He lived 3 hours away from each me. The LD was hard but worth it. The first date lasted 12 hours because neither of us wanted it to end. That was almost 5 years ago and in a few months, that lovely man will be my husband.
Even if this doesn''t work out, a guy doesn''t care enough if to figure it out before a year, he doesn''t care enough.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 5/15/2008 9:36:37 AM
Author: Starset Princess
This morning I got a text from the new guy 'Good morning to the incredibly wonderful woman that I am so lucky to have met! Have a great day!'

Oh how sweet is that!

Date: 5/15/2008 9:36:37 AM
Author: Starset Princess
Sometimes a person, me, needs comments like yours to see the forest from the trees. Although it may have seemed like a clear answer to all of you, I'm thankful that you took the time to think about my situation and share your thoughts.

Im like you, sometimes I need to hear things from other people to realize what I already knew. I hope it all works out for you!

 

[Codependent Gal]

I think that what has happened to you is what every person hopes will happen when they break up with someone who had taken them for granted. You met someone better who appreciates you more and the ex is miserable and realizes what a mistake he made. Congratulations, I wish you the best with the this new guy!

 

[pjean]

Date: 5/14/2008 8:08:46 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I'd say that since you were comfortable kissing the new guy, that you have moved on in your heart.

I have to agree.

ETA: Now I've finished the thread, and I'm amazed at your strength and grace in this situation. It sounds as though things are going exactly right, and I'm so glad.

 

[Independent Gal]

New guy! New guy!

Otherwise, you wouldn''t have to think twice about it. even if it DOESN''T work out with the new guy, I think it''s a sign that Todd ain''t the guy for you if you feel this way.

Three cheers for the new guy!

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 5/15/2008 2:00:00 AM
Author: TravelingGal
No! This is cruel! How could you do this to poor Todd? Think of his feelings! He only has his two kids and he NEEDS you for some good ole finger smackin'' lovin! You''re treating him WORSE than an old pair of shoes...you''re treating him like stinky sock lint.

OK, I just wanted to say something different from everyone else just for grins. Seriously...c''mon woman...you have to ask? He''s had a whole year to figure things out...he''s a RE-TODD...ya snooze, ya lose.


Separate ''love'' from rational thinking...you gotta give this new guy a chance...if only to see if he''s a dud.

Ahahaha.