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Todd''s reaction was ''knee-jerk''. Absolutely.

Stick to your decision to explore your options. Find out if the new guy is someone you want to get to know better; Todd has had plenty of time to move this relationship out of ''neutral'' and actually take it somewhere -- anywhere. He chose not to because he was comfortable compartmentalizing you to a little corner of his life.

The fact that he never felt it was necessary or even natural to introduce you to his kids -- after a year and a half -- well, it just says everything you need to know. Doesn''t it? You were never part of the big picture he envisioned for his future. Until you left him.

Stay gone.
 
Starset! New guy. I think this Todd thing sounds a little complicated. Granted I don''t know all the details, but you should never let an opportunity pass you by. You had a great date, go on another. Todd has had a year to step it up and so far, it hasn''t been (from what I understand) everything you expected. You''ve waited a year to work it out. I think you should at least take a few weeks to see how this thing with this guy pans out.

Fingers crossed!
 
Cheers, Starset! I admire your strength. Best wishes to you!
 
I''m leaving this afternoon to see him again. I''m so excited!!!

Todd and I had a kind of final phone call last night and he said ''Regardless of what happens, you know how I feel, that''s all I can do. I may not like what your gut tells you, but you need to do what you need to do and I can respect that.''

It means so much that I can leave things on good terms with him.

Now, back to new guy... I leave in four hours and I can''t wait
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Aw thats great! Im glad Todd is understanding of how you feel.

And yay! Maybe this new guy is "the one"
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I know it may be too soon to tell, but just saying.....He sounds great from what you have told us! I believe in fate.....
 
Update us on your wkend when you can, sounds exciting. Makes me miss those 2nd date butterflies.

Glad Todd is being reasonable about this--wishy washy men everywhere should read this thread :)
He took too long to figure himself out.

It''s gotta be strange at work though...
 
Starset I can''t wait for your update! Have a GREAT time!

You sound like a very smart, stong woman!!
 
**warning** I''m sorry this is so long, but i am really passionate about your situation - enough to come out of hiding and register!



I think you are the only one who knows what is right for you.

Here''s my long story (sorry if it''s boring!): I met my boyfriend in college 6 years ago right before graduation. He was commissioned to the navy and left for Pensacola, so we broke up. We got back together that summer, but he completely ignored me while he was away in flight school and made me feel like crap all the time because I felt like he was happy to call me his girlfriend, but he wasn''t actually being a boyfriend and didn''t really care if he was meeting any needs. He had a take it or leave it attitude. So we broke up. Then we got back together. Then we broke up. Then we got back together. Then he was sent to Japan for three years, so we broke up. Throughout all this, I''ve had three other serious relationships and countless crushes and dates, but I''ve never cut him out of my life. There were "perfect guys" who turned out to be a flash in the pan and "so-so" guys who really grew on me and allowed me to learn more about what I needed in a relationship. Flyboy and I got back together last year (I told him that he was allowed one more break-up EVER, so he had better make this time stick!), he moved back to the states this year, I''m moving to his city (FINALLY living in the same city with the man I love!!!!), and he is the most attentive wonderful MAN. I highlight the word man because while he is the same person that I met six years ago at 22, he is a MAN now and completely different in the way he makes me feel
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My brain has always told me, "If a man really loves a me, then there''s no such thing as ''not ready yet''" or, "I am a prize, and if he can''t appreciate it now, then I will find someone who can."

But my heart has said yes to him every time. I would agonize over it because I do not want to be that dumb girl who gets strung along. Now I know that it was all worth it and part of a bigger plan for my life. I have grown as a person, swithched careers, lived on my own, made lasting friendships that I probably would not have developed otherwise, and grown in my own spiritual and personal path. I love him so much, and I feel like he has grown into the man I deserve. I can''t wait to start this next phase of our relationship!

All this to say - only you can know if it''s a wrong fit permanently or simply the wrong time in that man''s life. My advice to you is to follow your heart, and never make a decision out of fear of lonliness. Be true to yourself and ask the questions that count. Focus on why YOU feel the way you feel and not just on why a boyfriend is feeling the way he is feeling so that you might learn something out of each experience. And if you truly want to move on with a new guy, don''t keep the old one around or else you will end up breaking up with him five times
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Good luck with the new guy! You never know what the future will bring
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Erin- ummmm, this new guy sounds fun, exciting, and best of all promising. Good for you for following you gut and seeing what potential is there, instead of relying on the old sock.

We want updates
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So the new guy is awesome. He's everything I could ask for. Our second date (weekend) went good, but not fireworks good like the first weekend. I can't tell if we really like each other. I mean, we don't know each other, we don't live in the same area, we have dissimilar backgrounds... Sometimes we struggle to have good conversation. When we do it's great but we have few segue ways. I was trying to think about it honestly the whole three hour drive home. Is it because it's new? Because I already knew my past boyfriends before we started dating? Or maybe the chemistry isn't on fire. When I think about what I want and where I want to live and my time lines and goals and attributes I'm looking for - he's spot on. Good job harmony! We want to see each other this weekend but it's holiday and we've both had previous commitments. He didn't bring up seeing me so I didn't bring it up either.

Oh yeah, and Todd proposed to me tonight. I came over to retrieve my luggage which I lent him for an overseas trip. It was an hour and a half... and very convincing. If a girl ever were sure she'd be cared for and loved for life - I know I would be. He has a plan. It starts this Friday night where I spend the whole weekend with his kids. Then immediately afterwards I stay at his house every night. Wake up there every morning. Drive in to work with him. Move in with my dog and clothes but keep my house. Then on or before Sept 1st we will know if I enjoy life with the whole Todd - kids and all. He's had talks all weekend with his family and closest friends. They're all awaiting a phone call from him tomorrow to hear what my answer is. I couldn't say anything. I left him hanging. I could have it all right now, or see what happens with the new guy where it may or may not work out.

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My brain is toast. I'm taking a sleeping pill because I know tonight my mind won't rest without it. Thanks for listening to my Lifetime for Women drama...
 
Whoa. Whoa. Um...wow. Well, I know what I would do, but obviously you are actually in the situation, so of course it''s easier said than done. Here''s what I would do: keep dating the other guy until you see how that pans out. Give it say, 2 or 3 months and see how you feel after that. Tell Todd that you appreciate the grand gesture, but feel that it''s only coming because you''ve been spending time with the new guy.

Honestly, it just doesn''t seem from your posts that you would actually "have it all" with Todd. What you have is a guy who is scared to lose you, but was really only spurred into action (the proposal) because he''s got competition now. Being scared to lose someone and wanting to marry them are two very different things, and it seems like Todd isn''t sure which one he''s feeling. That''s not really a great basis for marriage, in my opinion. Plus if you only dated him on and off for 1 year and haven''t even met his kids yet, getting engaged and moving in Friday is pretty insane.

And again...whoa. You are basically living a movie right now. I hope you can figure stuff out and do what''s best for you, whatever that is.
 
I agree - sounds to good to be true. This Todd guy, based on his past commitment issues, is likely going to have a hard time staying true to his word. Based on my experiences, people who are indecisive and self-centered never change - especially not over night...

I still think this guy has a lot of baggage.. you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don''t settle.
 
May I just say, I have been away for a while but I''ve always liked your posts, Starset. It seems to me you usually know what you want and where you stand and it''s always a quality I have admired.

I think this situation is difficult, but I sort of agree with what Thing2of2 says, if he''s sure about you, maybe he''s sure enough to wait two months. I hope getting a good night''s rest will help you think it through.
 
WOW! Talk about a 180 ....

It''s wonderful that he''s finally realizing how wonderful you are, but the situation is moving really, really quickly. My take? Tell him if this is what he wants, now he needs to take it at your pace. You need to meet his kids before you agree to move in, for starters - if it didn''t work out, for whatever reason, it could be massively traumatic for them. Heck, just having a complete stranger move into their space might be getting off on the wrong foot ... and beyond that, you need to have a little space to figure out what you want, even aside from the other guy: these two aren''t the only ones in the world, after all. I agree with Thing2of2 (too) - if he''s serious, he needs to give you a little room to figure out how you feel about ... everything.
 
I sounds like your heart is with Todd. So whether or not this new guy is "perfect" it is going to be difficult for you to truly open your heart to him. We have all been there. You REALLY want to like him because on paper he is exactly what you want but the "stomach feelings" just aren''t there because you heart belongs to smeone else.

It is easy for us to say go for the new guy. Objectively that looks like the smart move. However, if you truly love him, I wouldn''t right Todd off completely. Sometimes you really don''t realize what you have until it is gone. And that isn''t always a bad thing. It just makes us appreciate something more and if we are fortunate enough to get it back we work even harder to never lose it again. If Todd spoke to his family, including his kids, about you and how he feels then he is serious. People typically don''t involve their families otherwise.

While you were dating, did you make it clear to Todd how much not being included in family events bothered you? Were you open with you feelings? What were his excuses if so?

Proposing may have been extreme, but taking the next steps might not be so bad (again if you are deeply in love with him) and see what happens. Introducing you to his kids is probably huge for him and it sounds like he is finally ready for it. Does it really matter how he got there as long as he wants to be there?

I could be completely off, but it sounds like this other guy is more of a "wish you could like him" rather than a "I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him." Unfortunately, we can''t help who we love. People make mistakes and need to grow and learn. It is just up to you if it is worth growing and learning with them.
 
Date: 5/19/2008 12:11:58 AM
Author: Starset Princess
So the new guy is awesome. He''s everything I could ask for. Our second date (weekend) went good, but not fireworks good like the first weekend. I can''t tell if we really like each other. I mean, we don''t know each other, we don''t live in the same area, we have dissimilar backgrounds... Sometimes we struggle to have good conversation. When we do it''s great but we have few segue ways. I was trying to think about it honestly the whole three hour drive home. Is it because it''s new? Because I already knew my past boyfriends before we started dating? Or maybe the chemistry isn''t on fire. When I think about what I want and where I want to live and my time lines and goals and attributes I''m looking for - he''s spot on. Good job harmony! We want to see each other this weekend but it''s holiday and we''ve both had previous commitments. He didn''t bring up seeing me so I didn''t bring it up either.

Oh yeah, and Todd proposed to me tonight. I came over to retrieve my luggage which I lent him for an overseas trip. It was an hour and a half... and very convincing. If a girl ever were sure she''d be cared for and loved for life - I know I would be. He has a plan. It starts this Friday night where I spend the whole weekend with his kids. Then immediately afterwards I stay at his house every night. Wake up there every morning. Drive in to work with him. Move in with my dog and clothes but keep my house. Then on or before Sept 1st we will know if I enjoy life with the whole Todd - kids and all. He''s had talks all weekend with his family and closest friends. They''re all awaiting a phone call from him tomorrow to hear what my answer is. I couldn''t say anything. I left him hanging. I could have it all right now, or see what happens with the new guy where it may or may not work out.

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My brain is toast. I''m taking a sleeping pill because I know tonight my mind won''t rest without it. Thanks for listening to my Lifetime for Women drama...
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WOW! You are certainly in an interesting situation, Starset! I don''t know if this is of any help, but I could have written that post myself a few years ago. For me, it worked out fairytale perfect, I''m married to the right man and sometimes I wake at night and wonder how come I got such a happy, perfect life with him against all the odds. (I''m having our first baby any day now, ask me again next week if I still like the man LOL). Anyway, my point is that you need to go with your instinct. However confusing things were, I always had a sort of underlying awareness of what it was I really wanted. On paper, what I was doing looked mad. In reality, anything else would have robbed me of the happiness I have now. Oh, and we had a rocky year or so at the start, because there was a lot of stuff to work through and a lot of baggage. It wasn''t impossible, but it wasn''t easy then either.

Good luck, Starset, with whatever you decide - only you know what you need. Thinking about you.

Jen
 
You need to stop and get off the bus!!!

You can''t possibly make a rational decision about your life when everything around you is in chaos. Take a step back and assess the situation, you need some time to get your heart and head sorted out.

On one had you feel rejected and hurt from Todd for his lack of commitment and his failure to make you part of his life and on the other you probably feel hope, love and happiness at his promises for a future together. But you need to ask yourself, is this what you truely want? Do you want the same things, have the same goals and aspirations for the future? Do you want to be part of a ready-made family? Are you willing to take on all the highs and lows of parenthood to be with Todd? Do you want your own children? Does he want more children? This isn''t just a simple, straightforward, ok, lets give it a chance for a couple of months and if it doesn''t work out, oh well, nice knowing you. There''s 2 wee people who are part of the equation and its a package deal, not just Todd. Is this what you want for your life?

or

Do you feel flattered and thankful that he ''now'' loves and appreciates you but thanks, I don''t think I want this for my future. I want to be in a relationship where I know and trust the other person to treat me right from day one and be open and honest and be number 1 in his life.

Trust is the basis of every relationship and without it you can''t communicate effectively, do you trust Todd, do you trust your instincts? Think about both and the solution will present itself. Remember, its better to be alone for the right reasons, than to be with someone for the wrong ones.
 
What?! yeah, date the new guy and take it from there. You have no obligation to the former fi and don''t even let him play a role in your new relationship! Get on out there and DANCE!
 
Wow Starset. What a turn of events.
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I also think you need to step back and take a good long look at the whole picture for a bit, and see what that tells you.

I don''t know that either one is right for the long term, but I guess thats one of those things that we never really know, until the long term is the present.

I wish you luck. Let us know what happens...
 
You aren''t thinking clearly.

Stop dating. Stop talking future with Todd. You are not ready. He''s not ready. He only ''proposed'' to get you to come back. New guy may be amazing, but you don''t sound like you think you have a lot going on there. And you''re not ready for a ''relationship'' with anyone new. You still have Todd on your mind and the whole ''what if'' scenario playing in your head.

Don''t you want a proposal from someone who wants you? Not someone afraid to lose a GF because he''d have to leave his comfort zone; but someone who can''t live without you because you''re you?????
 
I''m with Holly. Stop the maddness. If Todd really wants to marry you, he''ll also give you time off without contact, so that you can figure out what you want. I think it''s fine to date casually, but I dont think you''re mentally in a place where you should be looking for "the one" in an immediate replacement to Todd, you know what I mean? Take some time out for you and decide what YOU want.
 
Yep, that''s what I''ve done. Put two stop signs up and called time out.
This is too much stress and pressure.
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What?? You haven''t *answered* him yet??? Don''t you realize HIS FRIENDS AND FAMILY are waiting on pins & needles!!!! How inconsiderate of you!
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You have to see how ridiculous that sounds. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. It''s not Todd''s plan or nothing. It''s not "the new guy" or no one. YOU get to sit with your thoughts and your heart & your gut FOR AS LONG AS YOU STINKING WELL PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What''s the friggin rush Mr. Indecision???? Honestly it worries me that he''s behaving so erratically all of a sudden -- especially with his kids''s hearts at stake. That doesn''t scream "true love" to me. It screams jealousy. Irrational urgency. Control issues. ONLY TIME WILL TELL. Seriously.

Why can''t you "date" them both for awhile? Explain that your heart closed a bit at Easter and you can''t go back to where you WERE (when you were eager to wed). Your feelings have CHANGED. If it is the right relationship for you than your feelings will grow again -- if he KEEPS treating you the way he seems to 180 degree transitioned to the minute another guy started sniffing around.
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Then you''ll be able to see how he does OVER TIME -- not when he''s scared pootless. And if you want to meet the kids, get introduced as a "friend" -- NOT Daddy''s girlfriend, or GASP fiance!!!!!?????!!!!!! What the frick??? That guy has lost the plot IMHO. Sorry to say that because I know in some ways you were probably HOPING he''d do just that ... that kind of movie craziness ... but, in real life -- it seems more scary and weirdo than romantic. Like I said ... IMHO.
 
Having been a stepmom, you should also consider that you will probably always be #3 in his relationship. Most parents put their kids first, and the stepparent comes in next. Every weekend was planned around the kids. That''s not necessarily a bad thing for the kids, but it was hard on me. I was very young to be a step mom and after 2 years it was hard not to resent the fact that I was in a family, rather than with a lover.

That marriage ended, and many years later I remarried and had my own child. When my husband and I divorced, I found myself doing the exact same thing. My son came first and anyone else in my life came second. I''m not saying it''s that way with every parent, but I do believe most of us will put our own kids before the new spouse.

There is something to be said about having time to enjoy love and marriage before having to be a family. It''s hard enough when they are your kids as a couple. It''s harder when you''re the stepparent.
 
I agree w/the ladies who recommend chilling out for a bit (not dating and deciding who you want to spend the rest of you life with based on whims and events occuring over a few hours). It sounds to me like Todd felt himself losing control over the situation and wanted the control back--giving you a scenario and a deadline to decide. Sounds a bit desperate.
And guy # 2 is someone you just met, you can''t possibly answer all these questions yet.

Take a break from dating and just do some self reflection. If Todd is serious he can wait and wait and so can the other guy.

Sounds like you already are doing this though--keep us posted, the Lifetime Startset Drama is definitely very entertaining :)
 
Starset, I think you should call ABC and tell them they need to film another Bachelorette. In all serious wow, you have a lot on your plate. I''m glad you are taking some time out to figure out what *you* want. While I''m excited that Todd finally came to his senses, I think that he is being selfish in expecting you to immediately make such a big change. Perhaps an outing with the children would be sufficient for now.

Guilty Pleasure, I was wondering how long it was going to take you to finally post on here! I am also excited to read about how your BF has grown into the man you deserve. Y''all need to visit soon!
 
Starset,
Good move with taking the time out. Good luck with getting things sorted.
 
Date: 5/19/2008 1:09:24 PM
Author: decodelighted

Why can''t you ''date'' them both for awhile?
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I know guys have been doing this for centuries... But how does one do this? Alternating kisses every weekend?

If I could figure out how to do this without feeling like a
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I surely would choose ME and date them both at my discretion.
 
Date: 5/19/2008 2:49:57 PM
Author: Starset Princess
Date: 5/19/2008 1:09:24 PM

Author: decodelighted


Why can''t you ''date'' them both for awhile?
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I know guys have been doing this for centuries... But how does one do this? Alternating kisses every weekend?


If I could figure out how to do this without feeling like a
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I surely would choose ME and date them both at my discretion.
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Well, everyone is different, but I''ve found as a woman that it''s easy to date several men at once as long as you put a moratorium on... umm (*clears throat*)... with all of them. If something is truly there with one of them, it''ll become pretty clear in relatively short order. As a woman, genuine desire coupled with genuine affection for one will make the concept of being with the other pretty unappealing if you give your brain time to catch up with the signals your soul is so desperately trying to send you. Once you think you know which (if any!) it''s going to be, wait a week or two to see if your decision is unwaivering. If it''s right, it''ll survive the additional weeks you need. Makes a certain sense, doesn''t it?

In the meantime, can you kiss both? Umm, IMO, *ABSOLUTELY*!!
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You even said it yourself-- yes, you can "choose you" and date them both at your discretion!


f-d-l
 
I''ve dated more than one guy at once before, and it''s totally okay, but I wouldn''t recommend it in your situation. It really only works when both the "contenders" start at relatively equal spots - like your first dates with each are within a few weeks of each other.

In your case, the new guy would be put off by the presence of a long term boyfirend (rightly so) and would be hesitant to get close to you. The old guy would be put off the the presence of the new guy as well. I think it would cause resentment for everyone. If you choose to date the new guy, you probably shouldn''t keep contact with the old guy. I''ve gone down that road before, and it''s not pretty having to hurt someone like that.


If you want to date more than one person, you should probably leave Todd out of it and date a few new guys all at once. And the way you do that is just to put yourself out there and say "yes" when guys ask you out.
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Saying yes to a date is not saying yes to ruling out other potential dates!


appletini - shhhhhh! This web site is my "guilty pleasure", so I''m glad to know I can trust you with my secret
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I didn''t think you posted over here anymore, or I might not have been so forthcoming with my story in order to keep my anonymity!
 
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