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Doubts about fiance?

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catlwade

Rough_Rock
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Sep 9, 2008
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Hi all,

I have been reading a ton of posts on here about doubts before marriage. I recently got engaged about 1 month ago, and have already been feeling very nervous. Our relationship over the last 4 years has def. had its ups and downs. I have never doubted loving him, but I have doubted if he was the right person for me. Our love for each other has always outweighed these thoughts, and that is why we are still together.

We were brought up so different, and disagree a lot, but continue to communicate and work on our relationship. I guess I am wondering from those of you who did have doubt before marriage - how long have you been married now? How is it going?

I keep hearing my mom and sister say "If you even have 1 doubt, don''t do it!" They are both happily married and claim to have never doubted their SI - is that possible?!!! I am def. a person who questions everything, so it is more my personality to do that, but I am just wondering if they are right...
 
Hmmm, I must think like you mom. See my tag line below.
 
Okay, I see your tag line ALL THE TIME on here! Why do you say that - from experience?
 
Well maybe it''s just me, but I think it''s normal to have a few doubts/worries about spending the rest of your life with someone! Even though I''ve known my fiance and I would get married about a year after we started dating, I still got scared (and sometimes still do!) about taking that next step, and we''ve been together for 6 years now. It is a MAJOR decision...and slightly cold feet at one time or another seems to be pretty common for everyone I''ve talked to.

However, if you have a gut feeling that he just isn''t the one for you, of course you should walk away.
 
Also, if communication is your biggest issue, have you considered couples counseling? It could help you learn how to communicate and work through problems better.
 
Date: 5/9/2009 10:46:04 PM
Author: catlwade
Okay, I see your tag line ALL THE TIME on here! Why do you say that - from experience?
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Well, it is actually on here in relation to purchasing rings! People buy on impulse and then change their minds so often. So if you have doubts, you probably haven't found the right one.

However, that is an old saying. When something is really right, I have peace about it. When something is not right, I have doubts or an unsettled feeling. I have found it to be very accurate. That does not mean I think you need to break up, but it does probably mean that you should take the engagement slowly and perhaps get some premarital counseling before you make the marriage commitment.

(haha, I see thing2 posted similar advice!)
 
I actually think we are good at communication - I probably communicate my feelings too much:)
I think the start of our relationship was so rocky that i get nervous it could go back to the way it was. Things have improved so much - it seems like a different relationship the past 2 years, but I have so much trouble letting go of the past! I bring up stuff form the past, and I know it is not fair to him - why do I do that?!
 
Date: 5/9/2009 10:59:23 PM
Author: catlwade
I actually think we are good at communication - I probably communicate my feelings too much:)
I think the start of our relationship was so rocky that i get nervous it could go back to the way it was. Things have improved so much - it seems like a different relationship the past 2 years, but I have so much trouble letting go of the past! I bring up stuff form the past, and I know it is not fair to him - why do I do that?!
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You either tend towards the dramatic or aren''t really satisfied with how things were resolved.

The idea of sharing so much of my life with someone was a tiny bit daunting, but I knew my husband and I were a good fit. I liked boyfriend/girlfriend, I liked fiancee, I just had a hard time transitioning, but it had absolutely nothing to do with him and our relationship, it was about me learning to live so intimately with someone else.
 
i''ve been married for 7+ months and am so-o happily married--marriage is infinitely better than what i had expected.
10.gif

i also never doubted whether dh was the right one since i somehow knew he was the one.

the funny thing is ... until i met dh, i was known to be "the runaway bride" among my friends. i had issues with commitment and broke up with a guy i was almost engaged to (after years and years of dating) because i had my doubts (not to mention all the other relationships i ran away from
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).

in any case, i don''t know what to tell you ... but if your doubts are based on something that happened in the past that you cannot let go of (nor change, since what''s happened has happened), then the issue may be you, not your fiance nor your relationship. however, if your doubts are based on your "compatibility" ... then, maybe you need to re-think everything? i don''t know.
 
I think it''s normal that have some doughts because it''s A LIFE TIME COMMITMENT and that''s a scarry desision to make.

I have had doughts once or twice, just because I''m young and have a very nervous and indesisive personality to begin with. What settles me down is thinking that no couple is perfect and we are bound to have more hard tough times to come but we love and care for each other and would both be willing to work on or fight for this relationship. There are couples from older generations (when divorce wasn''t an option) out there who are still HAPPILY married because they know that marrige is somthing you work on, you don''t give up when it gets hard.

If it''s not right there will be more then a few doughts and missgivings, deep down you''d know it''s wrong.
 
I think that if you are not 100% sure that this person is right for you, then you should really re-evaluate why you are planning on getting married. I think it is very brave of you to even post this question. From personal experience with a couple friends, it is very apparent that some women get married thinking that marriage will solve any relationship troubles. It tends to magnify significant problems.
Are there any conclusions to your disagreements? Or are you disagreeing about the same things over and over again? Are these disagreements ones that you can live with for the rest of your life?
 
Date: 5/10/2009 1:25:48 AM
Author: tigian
I think that if you are not 100% sure that this person is right for you, then you should really re-evaluate why you are planning on getting married.
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I agree. For me, I''d have the odd thought of "woah this is for life!", but no real doubts. I''ve been with D for ten years and we''ve always been a great match. What I''ve always found is that if arguments keep coming up from the past, they weren''t resolved properly. I think that couples counselling would be good-I know you say that you are good communicators but sometimes it''s good to have a third party there asking questions that you mightn''t think of.
 
What are you like in other areas of your life? I know that I tend to question/overthink/doubt a lot of things and that's just my nature. If you are someone who tends to make decisions easily and not second-guess them, I'd be more concerned than if you were a naturally cautious person. You also need to think very carefully about what exactly you have doubts about - marriage in general can be a scary thought for some, and it's not uncommon to feel that way, but if you have specific concerns about his character, that would raise alarm bells for me.

I agree that's it's a sign of maturity that you feel able to ask the question, rather than sweeping concerns under the rug.
 
I think it''s normal to have a few moments of doubt just because it''s such a huge decision, but if the feelings are persistent or centered around specific issues, you might want to deal with those issues before actually getting married. I think finding a premarital counseling program would probably be a great idea to help you identify areas that you might not be on the same page and then provide support for you as you discuss those areas. Good luck!
 
Thanks for all the replies. I just can''t figure out if these are doubts that are beyond normal..I am def. a person who questions everything in life and has trouble making decisions.

I think the hardest thing is how different the relationships around us are. My parents have been happily married for 40 years, do EVERYTHING together, are completely open and honest with each other, etc. So, I am used to seeing this my entire life, and always figured I would have a similar relationship, My FI''s parents have a horrible relationship but are still married for some reason, take vacations apart all the time, do not even sleep in the same bed, value their friendships over one another, sweep EVERYTHING under the rug, etc.

It has been hard trying to come together from these 2 backgrounds. FI is used to choosing friends over his relationships (we have worked this out), going on vacations with his buddies all time (this doesn''t happen anymore), not discussing anything (we talk about everything now)and not really hanging out with his SI that much (this is changed as well - we live together.) Our relationship started out like that, and is now 100% different, but I get so nervous it could go back.I keep thinking "what if he decides he wants to start vacationing with his friends again over me"

I mean, maybe I am being silly - I think it is scary not knowing what the future holds...AHH - I am driving myself insane!
 
Oh, and my FI is way too stubborn to go to counseling - which bothers me. He thinks he knows how to solve everything. My parents are huge fans of counseling, and it has really helped their relationship. I would love to go, but he has stated many times that he can''t imagine going. Did your FI want to go with you? I feel like that would be a big battle between us.
 
Date: 5/10/2009 9:31:50 AM
Author: catlwade
Oh, and my FI is way too stubborn to go to counseling - which bothers me. He thinks he knows how to solve everything. My parents are huge fans of counseling, and it has really helped their relationship. I would love to go, but he has stated many times that he can''t imagine going. Did your FI want to go with you? I feel like that would be a big battle between us.
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Hmm...the fact that he won''t go to counseling is a bit of a red flag for me. I wouldn''t be comfortable marrying someone who was opposed to doing something that would very likely help and strengthen our relationship.
 
Date: 5/10/2009 10:03:24 AM
Author: thing2of2
Date: 5/10/2009 9:31:50 AM

Author: catlwade

Oh, and my FI is way too stubborn to go to counseling - which bothers me. He thinks he knows how to solve everything. My parents are huge fans of counseling, and it has really helped their relationship. I would love to go, but he has stated many times that he can''t imagine going. Did your FI want to go with you? I feel like that would be a big battle between us.
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Hmm...the fact that he won''t go to counseling is a bit of a red flag for me. I wouldn''t be comfortable marrying someone who was opposed to doing something that would very likely help and strengthen our relationship.
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Yeah that would bother me a bit too. D and I had to do pre-marriage counseling to get married in our church and it was brilliant. Even though we''d been together for so long, it''s not often that you really sit down without any distractions and go over all the little things that you know you''re on the same page about, but it''s nice to clarify them.
 
I would read through post I did awhile back https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/interesting.107370/.

Its an article, "10 ways to marry the wrong person" that I found very insightful.
 
I am not sure I would go so far to say if you are doubting, call it off. But, I do think a prolonged engagement would be a good idea. Your relationship has only been what you want it to be for the same amount of time that you weren''t happy in it--perhaps it will just take more time seeing the good will make you feel more comfortable. Counseling, though, would really accelerate this.
 
I'm afraid I never had the slightest doubt whatsoever about marrying my husband - I knew 150% that he was the right person for me.

Whether that was because I was 35 and had dated a lot of frogs (and lived with 3 of them) and so KNEW that this was the real deal I don't know...

When I was with previous boyfriends, I had always had weird dream for many, many years that there was this other person out there who was the man I would marry, only I could never see his face or get any clues - it was always this shadowy figure but nothing frightening about them - more of a happy, secure and calm sensation. I truly believed I was in love with some of my ex's but there were always niggly doubts. Since I met DH I have never in 5 years had that dream again.

My mother always said that if you had doubts then the answer to the question was NO, and since she and my father have been extremely happily married for 38 years - despite getting engaged within 2 weeks of meeting and married within 6 months (she was 21 and he was 32) - I reckoned that her advice was pretty good.

A book that might be useful for you is one called "Are you the One for Me" - it's a bit pop-psychology, but the exercises in it are valuable in my opinion. I was given it by my brother who wanted to see if it would help me discover what was always not quite right in my relationships.

ETA: I'm someone who tends to over-analyse everything. I feel sick before pressing send with important emails and nearly always have to be told that things are 'finished' and to stop tweaking them or I will still be there worrying about it next year. So I'm definitely not someone who finds it easy to do things with no worries about it.
 
Here''s my Mom''s experience

She and my Dad were about to get married and a week or two before the wedding she had serious cold feet and wanted to call it off. My grandmother convinced her to go ahead with it because everything was already paid for (BIG fancy white wedding).

The marriage got off to an ok start, and progressively got worse, growing up the tension in the ouse was so thick you could cut it with a knife! (They were "staying together for the kids" they should have broken up 5 years sooner)

16 years in to the marriage my parents had a horrendous breakup- and are still very bitter about it 10+ years later.


Only marry if you are sure you want to, if you marry and realize he''s the wrong one, divorce asap.

The fact that your relationship has improved over time is encouraging.

Have you both had a good discussion about your parents'' relationships - what works and what doesn''t?

It would probably help if you both laid out your expectations of what constitutes a good marriage; this way you could both be working towartd the same point.

In the core of your being you already know what is best for you- so make it happen.

HD
 
My advice: only marry someone you can''t live without. If you doubt that - then he/she isn''t right for you. It''s normal to have insecurities and doubts at times, but when you know you could never be without that person, then he/she is the one.
 
Hmmm, the differences in background can be a problem. Now I''ve been married 30 years and we certainly don''t do everything together, but we certainly don''t take separate trips and my husband does not hang out with male friends without me, either. I do think you need to talk about how you both see the future. His family situation would not be what I would consider very healthy. So I can see why you might have some doubts. He needs to make clear that he doesn''t see that as what he wants for your future together.
 
This is a tough one. I think the fact that he wont go to counseling is a HUGE problem. I mean, he really really wont go?
What if you said, im concerned about our relationship and its very very important to me that we go? would he still say no?
what is you said, you are having doubts about getting married and you really want you both to go? would he still say no?

If he still says no, after you say that to him , then i think you should seriously think about IF this is the right man to spend every day of the rest of your life with.
I dont mean to sound harsh but- marriage is a big big thing.

At the very least I would have a long long engagement and wait until all doubts are GONE. 100% GONE
before you set a date.

FI and I have been together 3.5 yrs and maybe in the first 6 months I wondered if he was right for me. BUT now, i know 100% he is who i want to spend the rest of my days with.
I have NO doubts, NO NO NO doubts.
 
I can sorta relate.

DH and I had a very rocky relationship throughout our 4 years of dating. After just a few months of dating, I remember DH telling me that I am the girl that he is going to marry. He was right. But it was a rough road in between. We broke up several times and were both stubborn and had a lot of growing up to do. We have both calmed down a lot and have really grown into a wonderful relationship together.

We got engaged last Dec, and graduated from college the following April, and moved into a townhouse together in Maryland. I remember when we first moved in, I felt extrememly distant and angry with him and I considered cancelling our engagement. About a week later it passed (I think stress of moving to new place, studying for boards, working, etc all got to me). Ever since then we were perfect together for the 11 mo''s living together before the wedding. Now, as newlyweds are still extrememly happy and I am glad that I let the "rough times" pass.

Relationships aren''t easy and they take work - but both people need to be willing to work on it. It can not just be one persons responsibility. You really need to get rhough to your FI and ask him to work this out with you.
 
Date: 5/10/2009 9:30:06 AM
Author: catlwade

It has been hard trying to come together from these 2 backgrounds. FI is used to choosing friends over his relationships (we have worked this out), going on vacations with his buddies all time (this doesn't happen anymore), not discussing anything (we talk about everything now)and not really hanging out with his SI that much (this is changed as well - we live together.) Our relationship started out like that, and is now 100% different, but I get so nervous it could go back.I keep thinking 'what if he decides he wants to start vacationing with his friends again over me'

I mean, maybe I am being silly - I think it is scary not knowing what the future holds...AHH - I am driving myself insane!
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I see a big red flag here. Your FI has made all the concessions for your relationship. You didn't mention anything that you have changed. It sounds like you believe your background is the better one and that should be the standard for your marriage.

Personally, I've been married for 27 years and my husband and I DO NOT do everything together. We both have taken vacations without each other (visiting friends and family). I'd love to have separate bedrooms and actually fall asleep to the sound of my own breathing instead of snoring. Never been to counseling. And never doubted my choice of husband or getting married.

I don't think you need to emulate your parents' or his parents' relationships. Yours will be unique.
 
Date: 5/10/2009 10:03:17 PM
Author: swingirl
Date: 5/10/2009 9:30:06 AM

Author: catlwade


It has been hard trying to come together from these 2 backgrounds. FI is used to choosing friends over his relationships (we have worked this out), going on vacations with his buddies all time (this doesn''t happen anymore), not discussing anything (we talk about everything now)and not really hanging out with his SI that much (this is changed as well - we live together.) Our relationship started out like that, and is now 100% different, but I get so nervous it could go back.I keep thinking ''what if he decides he wants to start vacationing with his friends again over me''


I mean, maybe I am being silly - I think it is scary not knowing what the future holds...AHH - I am driving myself insane!
Click to expand...

I see a big red flag here. Your FI has made all the concessions for your relationship. You didn''t mention anything that you have changed. It sounds like you believe your background is the better one and that should be the standard for your marriage.


Personally, I''ve been married for 27 years and my husband and I DO NOT do everything together. We both have taken vacations without each other (visiting friends and family). I''d love to have separate bedrooms and actually fall asleep to the sound of my own breathing instead of snoring. Never been to counseling. And never doubted my choice of husband or getting married.


I don''t think you need to emulate your parents'' or his parents'' relationships. Yours will be unique.
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I really appreciate this response, and being so honest about it. I think I def. do hold my parents relationship high, and put his parents down a lot. I agree that our relationship will be unique, and I need to let go of a standard to hold it to.

At the same time though - I know that separate vacations not is not for me, and he knows this. I am not okay with that - I want to vacation WITH my FI, not apart from him. Everyone is different...

We had a BIG talk tonight about our relationship, and what we see in the future. I always feel better when I can voice my frustration to him, and see how he is feeling. We both talked about what we each need to work on, and what we think the other needs to work on - it was very helpful. I know relationships are hard work, and I love him so much that I want to continue to work on him.

Thank you to everyone for responding - this site is amazing.
 
Date: 5/10/2009 11:34:18 AM
Author: NakedFinger
I would read through post I did awhile back https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/interesting.107370/.


Its an article, ''10 ways to marry the wrong person'' that I found very insightful.
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Oh, I loooved this - thanks.
 
Date: 5/10/2009 8:37:46 PM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
This is a tough one. I think the fact that he wont go to counseling is a HUGE problem. I mean, he really really wont go?

What if you said, im concerned about our relationship and its very very important to me that we go? would he still say no?

what is you said, you are having doubts about getting married and you really want you both to go? would he still say no?


If he still says no, after you say that to him , then i think you should seriously think about IF this is the right man to spend every day of the rest of your life with.

I dont mean to sound harsh but- marriage is a big big thing.


At the very least I would have a long long engagement and wait until all doubts are GONE. 100% GONE

before you set a date.


FI and I have been together 3.5 yrs and maybe in the first 6 months I wondered if he was right for me. BUT now, i know 100% he is who i want to spend the rest of my days with.

I have NO doubts, NO NO NO doubts.
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I never actually asked him to go with me - we have just talked about what we think about counseling before. My parents have even talked to it about him before, and told him how helpful it was for them. He pretty much said he doesn''t believe in it, which IS frustrating. I have to believe he would go if I really wanted him to, but he is also very stubborn.
 
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