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Dream problem?

Autumn - Any time I feel down about myself, or like I am not strong enough I recite parts of that poem to myself. If you think you are like that, then you will be like that.

P.S. If you will look into Therapy options, I will too (though I have no clue how I'd pay for it) and we can be brave together.
 
dragonfly411 said:
Autumn - Any time I feel down about myself, or like I am not strong enough I recite parts of that poem to myself. If you think you are like that, then you will be like that.

P.S. If you will look into Therapy options, I will too (though I have no clue how I'd pay for it) and we can be brave together.
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This just brought tears to my eyes. You (both) can do it!
 
Pecking on my phone to say.....closure comes from within you. Nobody on the outside can completely heal the wounds. The positive people on your life can certainly help. Expect every emotion to come out. And a lot of tears when you least expect them. I think your mind is telling you that now is the time to deal with the past so that you can truly move forward
 
dragonfly411 said:
Autumn - Any time I feel down about myself, or like I am not strong enough I recite parts of that poem to myself. If you think you are like that, then you will be like that.

P.S. If you will look into Therapy options, I will too (though I have no clue how I'd pay for it) and we can be brave together.
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I would really like that DF---is insurance an option?
 
Insurance IS an option, depending on what kind you have. Can you tell me who your insurance carrier is? I hav Blue Cross/Blue shield, and at least 80% of the visits are covered (i think). when i didn't have insurance that covered it, it was around $100 a session out of pocket. worth every penny.

think i misread the comment - were you asking DF if it was an option for her? sorry!
 
violet3 said:
Insurance IS an option, depending on what kind you have. Can you tell me who your insurance carrier is? I hav Blue Cross/Blue shield, and at least 80% of the visits are covered (i think). when i didn't have insurance that covered it, it was around $100 a session out of pocket. worth every penny.
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I have Blue Cross Independence Administrators
 
if it's blue cross, (anything like mine) you should have at least partial coverage through them. Some places take the insurance right there, and other times you have to send in the receipts after and BC will reimburse you ( i think).
 
I have blue cross / Blue Shield, so I assume so, but I'd have to look into it.


I'll pull out my policy info tonight to see if it says anything. If it doesn't then I'll call. Autumn I think it'd be great, and we can support one another. I think our situations are similar enough that we can easily relate and I so wish I had someone to talk to about everything.
 
DF, there should be a "mental health" section in your policy - if not, yes they'll be able to help you over the phone.

You go girls!
 
dragonfly411 said:
I have blue cross / Blue Shield, so I assume so, but I'd have to look into it.


I'll pull out my policy info tonight to see if it says anything. If it doesn't then I'll call. Autumn I think it'd be great, and we can support one another. I think our situations are similar enough that we can easily relate and I so wish I had someone to talk to about everything.
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I completely agree---lets do it. I wish we had a better way to contact each other????

I just read a journal entry I wrote. I wrote it out as if I were going to be sending it to him. I don't mind posting it if you're interested in reading
 
Autumn - only if you feel comfortable posting it. I have never tried journals, do you find it helpful?
 
dragonfly411 said:
Autumn - only if you feel comfortable posting it. I have never tried journals, do you find it helpful?
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Yeah, very. I write when I feel very down about the situation and it really helps me with venting. Down the road, I really like looking back at what I've written. I've kept one ever since him and I started dating and it has been very interesting to read it all up to now. I'm not the same person I was and I feel very very sad for the girl I was when it all happened. I'm still hurting, clearly but not the way I was before.


I posted it and then deleted---I'll post it again for you in a little...I wanna be able to delete it after. I don't mind sharing, just don't want it to stay in the thread forever.
 
autumn,

i have these dreams every single week. i was with someone for 7 years during a very formative time of my life. we have now been apart for over 7 years and i have been married to somone i love very much for 4 years now. neverthleless, the dreams keep coming and they are very real, raw, and emotional.

i will tell you that i have cut off ALL contact with my ex from the time i met my husband, but have felt like there is this closure that never happened that is causing these achingly difficult dreams to reoccur. i feel like the only way that i have been able to remain sane is to make sure that i "lost" his number and email address, avoided his neighborhood, and made sure that we lost all contact. deep in my heart i will always love this person, but there are reasons we did not end up together (you can add serious drug addiction on his part to that list), and i have to remind myself about that when i wake up in a cold sweat, heart racing, with his face fresh in my mind.
 
sphenequeen said:
autumn,

i have these dreams every single week. i was with someone for 7 years during a very formative time of my life. we have now been apart for over 7 years and i have been married to somone i love very much for 4 years now. neverthleless, the dreams keep coming and they are very real, raw, and emotional.

i will tell you that i have cut off ALL contact with my ex from the time i met my husband, but have felt like there is this closure that never happened that is causing these achingly difficult dreams to reoccur. i feel like the only way that i have been able to remain sane is to make sure that i "lost" his number and email address, avoided his neighborhood, and made sure that we lost all contact. deep in my heart i will always love this person, but there are reasons we did not end up together (you can add serious drug addiction on his part to that list), and i have to remind myself about that when i wake up in a cold sweat, heart racing, with his face fresh in my mind.
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You nailed it on the head. While I'm not happy that you too are experiencing this, I don't feel so alone anymore. I don't feel as crazy as I did in the beginning of this thread. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
 
just hang in there and resist the urges to contact him (as others have advised you). time heals all wounds, right? i sure hope so. and remember, you are not alone. i have a few friends who have experienced this as well and sometimes all you need is to have someone to talk to about it. there are feelings of guilt (for even having these dreams) and sadness you feel and it is hard to make sense of it.

can i just tell you i had a dream last night that my ex and i were buying a car and it is my HUSBAND and i that are in the market for a second vehicle. my subconscious mind gets twisted with my waking mind. i am sure you relate.
 
sphenequeen said:
just hang in there and resist the urges to contact him (as others have advised you). time heals all wounds, right? i sure hope so. and remember, you are not alone. i have a few friends who have experienced this as well and sometimes all you need is to have someone to talk to about it. there are feelings of guilt (for even having these dreams) and sadness you feel and it is hard to make sense of it.

can i just tell you i had a dream last night that my ex and i were buying a car and it is my HUSBAND and i that are in the market for a second vehicle. my subconscious mind gets twisted with my waking mind. i am sure you relate.
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I completely agree. Having someone to talk to about it helps in many ways.

How about this one---yesterdays dream consisted of me getting in a huge argument with Mr. Fiance, me leaving our house and then going to visit ex... earlier on in the dream ex called to say he was in town and to call if I wanted to hang out...and I did! :nono:
 
it sounds to me like you are battling the guilty feelings that the dreams are causing you plus you probably still love this person, even if they were hurtful to you. i know i have played the whole "what if so-and-so never got hooked on drug XYZ?" it is the way we torture ourselves.

i have to tell you one thing that made it better - when ex got married, it helped me to move along a bit further.
 
Reading some of the honest, raw posts us really making my heart bleed for you girls. Wish I could lean over and wrap you all in one ginormous hug.
 
x
 
Autumn - I understand you not wanting the journal to stay on here. I used to have similar dreams about going to meet mr. ex, or him coming back. Mostly now it's just nightmares of him trying to find me. I think they are triggered by him trying to get my phone number after the funeral from other people. They of course didn't give it to him, but I'm just afraid of him trying to invade my life again.
 
I have some potential insight - not sure if you'll like it... but from what I have read/heard, forgiveness is something we do to help OURSELVES and it's possible that deep down you want to forgive this person and move forward. They say you can forgive but you cannot forget and you say you want to forget but not forgive. Maybe trying to do it backwards has you stuck?
 
Cehrabehra said:
I have some potential insight - not sure if you'll like it... but from what I have read/heard, forgiveness is something we do to help OURSELVES and it's possible that deep down you want to forgive this person and move forward. They say you can forgive but you cannot forget and you say you want to forget but not forgive. Maybe trying to do it backwards has you stuck?
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Very possible. I'm the type of person that has a very very difficult time forgiving somebody unless they actually ASK me for forgiveness and I think that is probably a huge reason why I'm unable to forgive him. I never felt as though his apologies when he was drunk were sincere.
 
dragonfly411 said:
Autumn - I understand you not wanting the journal to stay on here. I used to have similar dreams about going to meet mr. ex, or him coming back. Mostly now it's just nightmares of him trying to find me. I think they are triggered by him trying to get my phone number after the funeral from other people. They of course didn't give it to him, but I'm just afraid of him trying to invade my life again.
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I thought about it earlier---and I decided I'd post it. Even if it means it is here to stay. Maybe it is something we can both look back on down the road in this thread and see our progression? The only reason I got nervous was in case he stumbled upon this someday.
 
Autumn - I'm sorry I was gone all weekend. I do want to read your entry but again only if you are comfortable. I do understand if you'd rather wait too.

I didn't get to look into my insurance too too much this weekend, was on the run, but I am today. Did you have any more of the dreams this weekend?
 
dragonfly411 said:
Autumn - I'm sorry I was gone all weekend. I do want to read your entry but again only if you are comfortable. I do understand if you'd rather wait too.

I didn't get to look into my insurance too too much this weekend, was on the run, but I am today. Did you have any more of the dreams this weekend?
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:wavey:


I was busy all weekend too, no worries!

I didn't get the chance to look either but I'm going to try to do it before the end of the week.

No dreams since this thread.

Its been a weird week in general...I'm pretty sure I have either Bronchitis or a touch of Pneumonia :blackeye:
 
I've had non related nightmares this week which suck.

It LOOKS like some may be covered, but I'm going to call in to clarify. In the meantime, I am also trying to do reading to help me some. Does it ever invade your daydreams? Or do you randomly find yourself wondering what if he did this? I've been doing this more recently, and I'm not even sure why. He's out of city now, yet I find myself thinking "what if he kidnapped me? what if he found me"

Anyways, I'll keep my eye in here to see how you are doing. I did start the journal, but somehow I don't think me dreaming about zombies or losing a cake baking competition really matter at the moment.
 
Several years ago I was in a similar situation with a relationship which just wouldn't let me forget it and move on with my life. I had alternating dreams of being happy and in love with this ex and trying to hurt him or scream at him or throwing him off a train (yeah, that one was pretty scary, just waking up with the depth of anger I had :errrr: )

I went back and forth trying to avoid him, be his friend, be his almost girlfriend, having no contact, and repeat. There were a couple of things that finally kicked in that helped me heal.

I started dating someone normal who really liked me and had a normal relationship. This showed me just how twisted my former times were with ex.

I had a conversation with ex that opened my eyes about him. I realized I was trying to cope and develop and think about how to improve my life, and he was doing nothing. He was locking all of it in the basement. He had no plan on how to fix his problems and no desire to even think about it. That was when I stopped seeing everything in a fog and opened my eyes. I let him have it right there and told him that he would never treat me badly again, that he would never be a part of my life again.

I did a lot of introspection. Lots of journaling about why I was in that situation, how I felt, and how I wanted to change myself and what I wanted to learn. I can't recommend this book enough : How to be an Adult in Relationships by Kathlyn Hendricks. The title is hokey, but it is a really good book about how we connect with people and what needs we seek to fulfill and have fulfilled by our partner. It's tough love and I really ended up with a journal entry after reading only 5-10 pages. It's there to provoke thought.

I cut off all contact with ex. ALL CONTACT. No Facebook, so Linked In. I deleted emails or stashed them in a hard drive I'd have to purposely pull out of a box. I got rid of his phone number. If he called, I didn't answer. If he tried to see me, I disappeared. If he was somewhere I was, I left. I promised myself a week of no contact. Then I promised another week, then a month. That made it bearable. Think of it as self-preservation.

I personally always find that if something is eating at me, it is because there is some fear or guilt or sadness that is eating at me that I'm not addressing. When I sit down and put those fears on paper and think about what I can do to address them, the nagging, horrible feeling go away. I'm not saying its fun or easy, but it is cleansing. You sound like you're on the right path and you've found a lot of PSers who can help you. Hang in there!
 
Autumnovember and Dragonfly, I'm a little late with this info but I'll share under the "better late than never" theory. My mother is a family therapist (very useful to have around) and she participated in two years of dream leader training a few years back. There is a whole body of therapy, books and workshops on dream interpretation, symbols, etc. The training that she did was based on the work of Carl Jung but I think there are other schools of thought on dreams as well. Forgive my limited knowledge, I'm sure I'm totally oversimplifying, but one of the theories of the Jungian dream analysts is that dreams are a way of our subconscious working out issues about ourselves. So that you dreams might not be so much about him but about some part of your own psyche that you are trying to heal. Armchair therapist here but maybe you're trying to forgive yourself?

Forgive my wild speculation but I did want to let you both know that there are books, therapists and resources out there for dream analysis and it's really some fascinating stuff. I'll ask Mom for some resources and post later.

Hugs to you both.
 
Gayletmom said:
Autumnovember and Dragonfly, I'm a little late with this info but I'll share under the "better late than never" theory. My mother is a family therapist (very useful to have around) and she participated in two years of dream leader training a few years back. There is a whole body of therapy, books and workshops on dream interpretation, symbols, etc. The training that she did was based on the work of Carl Jung but I think there are other schools of thought on dreams as well. Forgive my limited knowledge, I'm sure I'm totally oversimplifying, but one of the theories of the Jungian dream analysts is that dreams are a way of our subconscious working out issues about ourselves. So that you dreams might not be so much about him but about some part of your own psyche that you are trying to heal. Armchair therapist here but maybe you're trying to forgive yourself?

Forgive my wild speculation but I did want to let you both know that there are books, therapists and resources out there for dream analysis and it's really some fascinating stuff. I'll ask Mom for some resources and post later.

Hugs to you both.
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Thank you so much for posting! Not wild at all.

I have thought for a while that it IS my subconscious. I think its more so trying to forgive HIM for what happened not necessarily me.

I look forward to seeing your post!
 
Keeping him at a distance should empower you - it did for me.

Cut off all contact. Forget what he's thinking because you know what, he probably doesn't care (and you know that).

Your dreams do mean something. Whatever you've taken the time to bury in those two years - it's coming back to ask you to really take care of it now.

The healing comes from you and only you. It does not come from his actions or words. Accept that he will never apologize to your liking. Closure comes from you - both in forgiving him enough to allow you to move on, as well as forgiving yourself and the part you played in whatever happened - whether it's the "control" you allowed him to have over you, allowing yourself to feel worthless, disempowered or disconnected, your naive thoughts and foolish actions... forgive yourself for "not being present" for two years while you healed and tried to protect your psyche, forgive yourself for "losing yourself" over this man.

You also need to mourn - mourn the person you thought you might have been, mourn the two years lost, mourn the joy you felt being with him. There must be something positive, even serial physical abusers have positive attributes - but keep an eye on the terrible parts too.

What helped me come to terms as well - thinking about the terrible aspects of the relationship - pre and post - (the jealousy, the anger, the callousness, etc.) - what did I get out of it? Did I secretly liked to torture myself? Was I chasing the negative feelings - wallowing in my own pain? Did I feel like I was alive like never before - moving through those ups and downs? Did I keep seeing him so he can see how far I've moved on - when really, by thinking that at all, probably means I really haven't moved that far along? And again, forgiving myself when I realize that I really haven't moved that far, or was even regressing at some points.

Closure really does come from you - and you alone. That's why it doesn't matter how much time has passed. In some sense, your ex is a fiction - an object of your thoughts. Granted it is one that is based on some reality but what you think he's thinking, what you think he's doing or wanting - that all comes from you.

It's going to be one hell of a ride. I found writing every last thought about him and this journey out of hell to be extremely helpful. Rather than have these thoughts spin around and around in my head - write it down, get it out there and get on with the day... until the next journal entry.
 
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