Dream problem?

[Autumnovember]

Keeping him at a distance should empower you - it did for me.

Cut off all contact. Forget what he's thinking because you know what, he probably doesn't care (and you know that).

Your dreams do mean something. Whatever you've taken the time to bury in those two years - it's coming back to ask you to really take care of it now.

The healing comes from you and only you. It does not come from his actions or words. Accept that he will never apologize to your liking. Closure comes from you - both in forgiving him enough to allow you to move on, as well as forgiving yourself and the part you played in whatever happened - whether it's the "control" you allowed him to have over you, allowing yourself to feel worthless, disempowered or disconnected, your naive thoughts and foolish actions... forgive yourself for "not being present" for two years while you healed and tried to protect your psyche, forgive yourself for "losing yourself" over this man.

You also need to mourn - mourn the person you thought you might have been, mourn the two years lost, mourn the joy you felt being with him. There must be something positive, even serial physical abusers have positive attributes - but keep an eye on the terrible parts too.

What helped me come to terms as well - thinking about the terrible aspects of the relationship - pre and post - (the jealousy, the anger, the callousness, etc.) - what did I get out of it? Did I secretly liked to torture myself? Was I chasing the negative feelings - wallowing in my own pain? Did I feel like I was alive like never before - moving through those ups and downs? Did I keep seeing him so he can see how far I've moved on - when really, by thinking that at all, probably means I really haven't moved that far along? And again, forgiving myself when I realize that I really haven't moved that far, or was even regressing at some points.

Closure really does come from you - and you alone. That's why it doesn't matter how much time has passed. In some sense, your ex is a fiction - an object of your thoughts. Granted it is one that is based on some reality but what you think he's thinking, what you think he's doing or wanting - that all comes from you.

It's going to be one hell of a ride. I found writing every last thought about him and this journey out of hell to be extremely helpful. Rather than have these thoughts spin around and around in my head - write it down, get it out there and get on with the day... until the next journal entry.

If he tries to contact me, I won't respond. I promised myself this last week. My best friend pointed out to me that having his friendship isn't going to enrich my life at all and she really made me understand that.

I think the reason why this has been even more difficult to deal with is because there aren't many negatives that I could think of that happened DURING the relationship. The negatives all stem from what happened after he left. I think it was as devastating as it was because everything was going great in our relationship and he met a new group of friends and then just -disappeared- out of my life. It wasn't gradual. It was an "I want you to go to the same college as me, I love you, you're my best friend" to "Its over" kind of thing. I can't mourn losing him as a boyfriend because I have gotten over that aspect. What kills me to this day is the loss of his friendship. I cherished it more than I think I wanted to admit at the time.

Writing definitely helps and I still do it when I feel the need to vent...

 

[ladypirate]

It's hard to remember negatives from a teenage relationship--everyone idealizes their first loves. Then either you both change together and stick it out or you each grow up, move on and become adults. Holding on to the past doesn't do anything. This guy is crazy bad news--why would you even want to have anything to do with him?

If I had an ex like that, the only reason I'd stay friends with them on facebook is out of pity. It sounds like he doesn't have much going on. Until you stop agonizing over something that happened when you were a teenager, you won't be able to function like an adult.

 

[Autumnovember]

It's hard to remember negatives from a teenage relationship--everyone idealizes their first loves. Then either you both change together and stick it out or you each grow up, move on and become adults. Holding on to the past doesn't do anything. This guy is crazy bad news--why would you even want to have anything to do with him?

If I had an ex like that, the only reason I'd stay friends with them on facebook is out of pity. It sounds like he doesn't have much going on. Until you stop agonizing over something that happened when you were a teenager, you won't be able to function like an adult.

Ouch.

I realize all of that. The problem is figuring out HOW. Also, I just want to point out to you that this issue I have does not define me as a person or an adult. There are many "adult" qualities that I possess that have absolutely nothing to do with this.

 

[elrossperot]

Wow he sounds EXACTLY like my ex who left me emotionally depleted and would do the same exact things to me. Every time I would try to forget about him, I would think about him out of the blue and then then he would call me or e-mail me that same day after months or years of not talking. Terrible. Does his name start with a J by any chance? LOL

 

[dragonfly411]

It's hard to remember negatives from a teenage relationship--everyone idealizes their first loves. Then either you both change together and stick it out or you each grow up, move on and become adults. Holding on to the past doesn't do anything. This guy is crazy bad news--why would you even want to have anything to do with him?

If I had an ex like that, the only reason I'd stay friends with them on facebook is out of pity. It sounds like he doesn't have much going on. Until you stop agonizing over something that happened when you were a teenager, you won't be able to function like an adult.

Lady Pirate - I know your intentions were good, but this was not really constructive. Unfortunately we don't always have control over our minds and how they react to a situation. My personal relationship stretched over six years. SIX. Until I was 20. The last two years were when the abuse, and dangerous behavior occurred. It was controlling behavior, to the point that when I did leave, he would threaten to come to my house, or send me texts saying he knew what I was doing. You don't just let those things go and become whole again magically. Please bear in mind that our situations were not just some high school relationship with a crappy guy. They were/are abusive and manipulative situations that affected our psyches, our security, our feeling of safety, our trust in people, our trust in ourselves, our ability to walk through the world without feeling like someone is going to run up behind us and snatch us away or follow us home at night. You can't just STOP agonizing.

 

[elrohwen]

It's hard to remember negatives from a teenage relationship--everyone idealizes their first loves. Then either you both change together and stick it out or you each grow up, move on and become adults. Holding on to the past doesn't do anything. This guy is crazy bad news--why would you even want to have anything to do with him?

If I had an ex like that, the only reason I'd stay friends with them on facebook is out of pity. It sounds like he doesn't have much going on. Until you stop agonizing over something that happened when you were a teenager, you won't be able to function like an adult.

I totally agree. At some point you just need to tell yourself to move on, or if you can't, find help to move on. You realize he's bad news, yet you keep allowing yourself to have contact with him and think about your relationship as an idealized relationship - you *can* change your thought patterns and you need to do it in order to move on. If you don't move on, I don't think you'll be able to have a full and healthy relationship with your FI because there will always be this other presence in your relationship (even if it's in your head and not a physical person).

 

[dragonfly411]

I do think August that removing yourself from any contact with him will be a positive thing for you. I think that your mind is telling you to forgive the action of what he did and move on. That being said, it doesn't go away easily and I know that. I don't think having any form of contact will help you find the closure you need though which is why I'm pushing for the no contact rule. It wasn't until I cut all contact with my ex that I was able to truly see the damage done and truly see the lasting effects it had on me, and truly start to move forward to regroup and rebuild myself. Unfortunately it does cause long term damage that you have to find a way to get through. I don't know that I'll ever fully get through mine, but sometimes I see little things that tell me that I'm getting there slowly but surely. Trust is the big thing for me, and paranoia.

 

[Autumnovember]

I do think August that removing yourself from any contact with him will be a positive thing for you. I think that your mind is telling you to forgive the action of what he did and move on. That being said, it doesn't go away easily and I know that. I don't think having any form of contact will help you find the closure you need though which is why I'm pushing for the no contact rule. It wasn't until I cut all contact with my ex that I was able to truly see the damage done and truly see the lasting effects it had on me, and truly start to move forward to regroup and rebuild myself. Unfortunately it does cause long term damage that you have to find a way to get through. I don't know that I'll ever fully get through mine, but sometimes I see little things that tell me that I'm getting there slowly but surely. Trust is the big thing for me, and paranoia.

It will definitely benefit me. Since this thread, I haven't had any dreams and I haven't really thought about him. It's not something that bothers me on a daily basis or anything. It's just something that starts to bother me when I have these dreams. I definitely realize that any sort of contact on his part is just going to keep ruining me. I'm not going to respond to any of his attempts in the future and I'm really promising myself that. I know I'll get past it eventually and I still then therapy would be a good idea in general.

 

[dragonfly411]

I do too. I think in any type of situation like this, having a completely outside perspective is extremely helpful, and they can offer insight on how to move past and cope.

 

[Autumnovember]

I do too. I think in any type of situation like this, having a completely outside perspective is extremely helpful, and they can offer insight on how to move past and cope.

Completely agreed. Unbiased listeners can be key in so many situations.

 

[dragonfly411]

Yesterday I found out that my sister is thinking of going to culinary school. One of her options would be in the city where he moved. Instead of thinking of where she could work and live and how much fun she'll have, I worried about that. My aunt lives in the city so I don't know why I even worry. She is now leaning towards another city though that has more baking options. I'm so proud of her, we're little cooks in this family!