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Early pregnancy loss

Date: 2/7/2010 7:57:25 AM
Author: Loves Vintage
HMG - I''m glad to hear that Conell had a good day. Sending good wishes his way.
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Thanks, LV! :) He had another awesome day yesterday...so good, that amazingly, they took him off the vent and put him on nasal CPAP! WOW!! That''s pretty unheard of for such a tiny premie....those steroids must have really done their job! :) I haven''t heard an update yet this morning about whether he was able to stay off the vent or not, but even if he has to go back on at some point, being able to come off this early for any amount of time is still a really good sign with regard to his lungs. :)
 
Wow, I''ve missed so much! You ladies are so wonderful to each other... I heart this thread.

HOU, hope your friend is doing better and of course our prayers are with her little one. How nice that they took him off of the vent! That is huge!!! Wow! Great little lungs in that baby! Hope he gets to go home soon....
 
I am sorry for everyone's loss. hugs
 
Skippy, thank you for asking that this thread be re-opened.

I wanted to come back and talk with my friends here, but without disturbing the joy in the early pregnancy thread, and without creating fear in the TTC thread.

Unfortunately, miscarriage happens. It devastates lives, breaks spirits. But not forever. :)

For us, the news of our baby no longer being alive came at the 8 week ultrasound. Talk about a day of utter joy turning into a night of sobbing tears. Five days later, our sweet Miracle went to heaven. Looking back, while I certainly never wanted our baby to live such a short life, I'm thankful that we knew before it happened. The miscarriage was horrendous; so painful that I broke my strict rule of never taking pain meds and took Tylenol (and that's saying a LOT for me). It started on Sunday; I'm glad Paul was home to be with me. I went back to work on Tuesday, but the bleeding didn't stop completely until Friday. I'm sure the loss would have been much more of a blow to me in the moment if we'd not had the knowledge that it was highly likely based on the ultrasound. Still, it was a blow. One I'm still trying to recover from.

I would be 12 weeks today. Nearly out of the *danger zone.* Instead, we're working on trying again, bringing honor and a tribute to our Miracle baby, and moving forward.

I cried for three weeks straight. My eyes were puffy and disgusting. I stopped wearing my contacts, or makeup. No point. I went to work, but I didn't function well at all. Slowly, and only by the grace of God, a calm came over me (in waves). If we trusted God to bring us a family (and we did), then we certainly couldn't give up that trust and faith while going through this loss. The Bible verse about God giving us beauty for ashes and joy for mourning came to my mind and it's become something I rest in and remind God to deliver to us on a regular basis now. It's from Isaiah 61; they were mourning a big loss, but still pressed on with faith. I didn't want to let it at first, but the blessings of Miracle's sweet, short life came to me and I am thankful for her, for what I'm learning from her life.

I'm thankful that she gave us parenthood, I'm thankful that she left us with a promise that we did conceive her, and we will conceive her siblings. The month we had knowing about her was wonderful; I will forever be thankful and grateful for the memories of mine and Paul's joy in her presence. I want to be a better person because of her (how lame does that sound??? but it's true); I want to honor her and be a good mother to her future siblings. I want to cherish every single moment we had with her and find joy in the moments we'll have down the road, with children who we get to meet, love, and guide in this life. My faith has grown, instead of weakened through this (though at the beginning, I had no idea how that would happen, even if people said it would). I can't trade in my faith, my joy, simply because things didn't go as planned. Miracle is our child; and I'm overwhelmed that we were trusted with her care and she'll forever be in my heart.

I still cry, not every day and not all day long, but at times. I think about how my pants would be getting tight now, when in reality they're loose because I lost weight while dealing with the loss. I think about how next month we would have been ordering the crib and dresser set we picked out the weekend before we found out she'd never need it. And I cry because this little tiny person who made me a mama will never wrap her little finger around mine or cry out for me, just me. It stinks, it hurts, and it's not what we counted on at all.

One of the hardest things for me has been guilt; I feel compelled to apologize to everyone about her loss. "I'm sorry" has become my main response when talking about Miracle. I'm sorry my body couldn't maintain her, I'm sorry you're sad over the loss of our child, too. I'm sorry my husband sometimes goes quiet and says nothing's wrong, but I know he's mourning our child at that moment.

The other hardest thing has been dealing with the knowledge that SO many people we love don't even know she existed. That feels like we're betraying her somehow. I don't want anyone who knows me and cares about me to not know that God did in fact, make me a mother and Paul a father. I want people to know about our sweet Miracle, to know that in 9 weeks she gave us more joy than one could imagine. I think eventually, when it's not such a raw thing for me, we'll tell everyone about her. Not for sympathy, but to honor her as our child. She's not a secret; she's a baby who died very, very early.

We decided to make a stepping stone out of stained glass for Miracle; made it this weekend and we've been looking for a yellow rosebush to add to the flower garden in honor of our dearly loved first baby. I hope that brings some closure for me, for us. I understand now why people have funerals. It's not for the dead (they're not there!); it's for the ones left broken, missing a loved one.

Emotionally, I'm 200 percent better than I was a week ago. Sometimes when I find myself smiling, happy, enjoying life, I feel like I'm betraying our child. If she had been a year old, would I be getting back into the swing of life so quickly? I think about those things, and I'm not sure... but I do know that healing is needed and I'm thankful it's unfolding before us.

We've talked about it and will be trying to conceive again. The risks aren't going away, but they're no higher, either. And statistically, we have a higher chance of conceiving again after having been pregnant before. So, when Miracle's sibling comes along, we'll know Miracle was part of lighting the path for them to come along. And we'll continue to walk in faith with tears in our eyes or not.

I wanted to check in mostly to let you all know how very, very thankful I am for the thoughts, the messages, the prayers. They mean the world to me and have helped more than I can ever express. People say it's cheesy to get attached to members of a forum--- that's just because they've never come across a good one. Seriously, thank you all for helping us walk through this. And I will VERY much be looking forward to sharing better days with you soon. :bigsmile: :bigsmile:
 
((((((Fisher)))))))

All I can do is give you so many hugs. Miracle absolutely knows how much she is loved...she is held in your heart and she will always be your and Paul's precious first child. I love the idea of the memorial stepping stone for her.
 
Huge hugs to you and P!!!
 
Fisher!!!! ;( ;( ;(

Big {{{{hugs}}}}

I had not seen this before now. I am so sorry, sweetie! We know that all things work together for good, but oh how hard that is to grasp in a time like this. My prayer is that you will be given a new baby soon. You'll be such great parents.
 
You and Paul are going to be the most amazing parents, fisher. I've been thinking of you, Paul and Miracle so often, and I really admire your strength and faith, it moves me so much. I wish I had the privilege of knowing you in real life, I'm not sure if you know just how incredible you really are. Big hugs, sweetheart.
 
HI:

Fisher, my heart is with you.

with kindess--Sharon
 
Fisher, it really is terrible that any of us have to go through this. I'm so happy that you're seeing an improvement - however small it may seem. I understand your sadness that some important people in your life don't know about your baby. No one knew I was pregnant when DH and I found out that I would likely miscarry. I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. The sad part is that I found myself being so distant (and obviously so) from friends and family and no one knew why. In hindsight, having their support would have helped me. I'm so glad your support is strong. We all deal with miscarriage differently so please remember that there is no RIGHT way to feel/act.

I'll be thinking of you and hope you and Paul get great news soon.
 
Fisher, I am so sorry you are going through this. I really hope you get pregnant again soon. You will be an amazing Mom. It took us 4 months post MC, and I'm currently 8 weeks along and cautiously optimistic again. Sending hugs to you and Paul.
 
Thanks for sharing fisher. Wishing you lots of continued strength and hope.

Also I wanted to share that the duggars latest episode was about Michelle's miscarriage with jubilee. I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone and that there are indeed so many women who experience the devastating loss of a pregnancy and baby. I found Michelle's story to be cathartic and reassuring, so for others who may also find comfort in other mothers sharing the experience, I'm sure tlc will rerun the episode.
 
DandiAndi said:
Re: Early pregnancy loss
by DandiAndi » 27 Mar 2012 05:27
You and Paul are going to be the most amazing parents, fisher. I've been thinking of you, Paul and Miracle so often, and I really admire your strength and faith, it moves me so much. I wish I had the privilege of knowing you in real life, I'm not sure if you know just how incredible you really are. Big hugs, sweetheart.
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I can't say it any more eloquently than this.

Fisher, you, and Paul, and Miracle have been and are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Fisher - I am so sorry for your loss. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Even though I don't know you, I was so excited to see your news and devastated to hear of your loss. I am so humbled by your faith and your strength through all of this. It is such a devastating experience and I wish you continued healing. Take care of yourself and your DH. Allow yourself to both celebrate and grieve for Miracle in whatever way you need to. And know that being happy again does not mean you will ever forget Miracle. Even now after having my beautiful daughter, I still think about the little ones I lost. Take care and best wishes with your journey.
 
I'm trying to post a picture of the stained glass stepping stone we made for Miracle. It turned out really pretty, though I wish my writing were prettier. Writing in wet cement is difficult!

This weekend we went to this beautiful rose nursery and found a wonderful rose bush to honor our first baby with; it's *vibrant* orange and is called "Vavoom." We both were really drawn to the color and I like how the symbolism of a bright color signifies a lasting impact and our sweet Miracle sure has had and will always have that on her parents.

We also chose another rose bush; this one is a soft lavendar/violet and is called "Angel Face." We got this one to symbolize our hope for and trust that future babies will follow. We planted them near one another and chose ones that had buds but no full blooms yet (I want to watch them grow and blossom right from the start.

When the first buds start to blossom; I will post pictures on fb.

MiracleSS.jpg
 
Fisher, what a wonderful way to commemorate your little one. I hope it brings you and your husband much joy in the coming months.
 
Wow, it's so beautiful Fisher.
 
Fisher - The stepping stone is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us. I am so happy to hear about the roses that you and your DH picked out. I think both are so lovely and meaningful. May you enjoy watching them bloom in the coming season and for many years to come.
 
Fisher, your memorial is beautiful just like you, Paul and Miracle. I hope Miracle grows into a beautiful angel to watch over her future siblings and that God blesses you with another angel very soon.
 
Oh fisher, that is just gorgeous. I love the description you gave of Miracle's rose, what a wonderful way to commemorate your precious little angel.
 
The verse is Isaiah 61:3.... beauty for ashes, joy for mourning. :)

Thank you, friends. It's really helped to have some physical way to honor her.
 
Fisher, I'm so sorry you and Paul are going through this. Huge hugs to you. I love the stained glass stepping stone you made. It's beautiful.
 
I was hoping this thread would still be open.

Yesterday was 3 months since we found out Miracle wasn't going to live. It's hard to imagine it's been that long & at the same time, it's hard to imagine it's only been 3 months. I've changed in a lot of ways, I think anyway. I hope. I hope compassion is always with me now, and I hope my joy & faith is more than it was before we knew of our baby.

Our rose bushes are beautiful & I'm so glad we have them. I smile every time I see one open up b bloom, and Miracle bush bloomed a new bud on Mother's Day. That was pretty awesome.

Since we lost Miracle, I now ovulate on day 15 (4 years ago when we started trying, it was around day 40, then 24, then 20 when we conceived), so I count that as another wonderful gift our baby gave us in the short time she was with us. She's paving the way for her siblings to come along. :)

Thanks for the thoughts & prayers & support & love. I didn't knowhow I was going to make it through the loss, and some days are still hard, but the love of others & the strength of the Lord is ever abiding. :)
 
{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you Fisher, and prayers for a new little one soon!
 
As always Mrs Fisher, you are the picture of optimism and grace. I wish only the best for you and Paul and hope that another little Miracle isn't far off for you. Big hug to you.
 
Fisher, that is a beautiful memorial to Miracle.

Have you read A Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot? I read it in high school and some of your words about your loss reminded me of it.
 
I haven't read it, Phoenix. Sounds like a mighty sad read, but i bet I would like it if hope was threaded throughout it. :)

One of my friends found out in the winter that her son in-utero wasn't doing well. She went on to carr him full-term (plus some!), and gave birth on Thursday. He lived 3 hours. My heart aches for her.I have been praying my heart out for her family for months and I so wish I could do something more for her. She has two little boys & it has been amazing to see how her relationship & involvememnt with them has improved since finding out her 3rd son wasn't likely going to live. I guess it's a reality check that time is precious & each day is to be treasured. I pray that they hold on to that & that each of us who have said goodbye before saying hello can do the same.
 
I haven't read it, Phoenix. Sounds like a mighty sad read, but i bet I would like it if hope was threaded throughout it. :)

One of my friends found out in the winter that her son in-utero wasn't doing well. She went on to carr him full-term (plus some!), and gave birth on Thursday. He lived 3 hours. My heart aches for her.I have been praying my heart out for her family for months and I so wish I could do something more for her. She has two little boys & it has been amazing to see how her relationship & involvememnt with them has improved since finding out her 3rd son wasn't likely going to live. I guess it's a reality check that time is precious & each day is to be treasured. I pray that they hold on to that & that each of us who have said goodbye before saying hello can do the same.
 
Oh, that's so devastating. :blackeye: Do they know what happened? I hope she has lots of support.
 
Hello all,

Just wanted to resurrect an old thread to share my story. We decided to start trying for another baby (our son is 3 now) and though I had to use ovulation sticks to follow my now irregular periods, we managed to get pregnant this month and I was just thrilled. Long story short, though, it seems I am already losing the pregnancy at almost 5 weeks gestation.

I can't imagine the pain that you ladies experienced from your later losses; I don't understand how this could mean so much to me when I have been pregnant for such little time.

I haven't been able to read the thread in its entirety (truthfully was hoping I wouldn't have to find my way here and spent more time lurking on the 'barely pregnant' thread recently) but I intend to do so in the coming days. It is comforting to know I'm not alone in my experience.
 
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